Tag Archives: Grey Worm

Game Of Thrones S08E06 – The Iron Throne

Well, that’s it. 73 episodes of Game Of Thrones down the hatch. Y’all were never going to be happy with how it ended. That sounds exhausting. I wish it was as bad as the Dexter finale, so y’all would know how good y’all had it.

Let’s go, for the last time……

-We begin with Tyrion walking through King’s Landing, surveying the wreckage after Dany and Drogon mowed the lawn…….OF PEOPLE. Then, he walks by a zombie from The Walking Dead, who looks like he needs a Powerade. Jon and Davos are with him, and Jon is like, it’s not safe, take some people with you. Bruh, the damage is done, I think you’re good now. Anyway, Tyrion wants to go and find Cersei and Jaime. And everyone is still surprised that Dany did what she did, even though she said, I dunno, a long time ago, that she was taking what is hers in fire and blood. And she has burnt up a whole buncha people, places and things in the past. But fine, don’t listen. Y’all would wild out if your best friends died and Cersei’s smug face was being all Cersei and smugly, too. Or maybe you’d just sign a petition about it.

-Grey Worm is about this vengeance life, and Jon and Davos wants to stop him, and Grey Worm is like, bitch, are y’all the queens? Jon tries to grab Grey Worm and the Unsullied are like, yeah, not a good idea. Davos gets him to go and talk to Dany, and Grey Worm is like, I’ma do this killin’. You didn’t see that video of us dancing? Nope, EVERYONE GOTTA DIE. His killin’ arm must have been tired as shit after that.

-Tyrion gets to the Red Keep, and manages to find Jaime and Cersei. Strangely, I think the tears were also for Cersei, because again, Tyrion is fiercely loyal to his family, even though they were all such raging douches to him. I bet Cersei had some wine on her, too. Hide that shit in Jaime’s hand.

-Arya watches the DothSullied crew celebrate, while Jon walks all the way up like, 14,000 steps, and there is Grey Worm, who is not only not tired from all the killin’, but he has to be terribly efficient as well. That was a lot of killin’ to do, then beat Jon up there. Just then, Drogon rolls in and appears behind Dany in the best shot of the season, and one of the very best of the series. She makes some speech about liberating the other places around Westeros, which is really the only sequel I’d watch, just Dany and Drogon, setting fire to the entire, I dunno, what is it, a continent? A country? I dunno. I’ve heard something about her being compared to Hitler for this speech, and I think people read a little too much into a show with dragons and ice zombies. It’s really not that deep. You think Hitler would have that many black people around him? But if you wanna waste valuable brain space on that, have at ‘er. Grey Worm is now in charge of killin’ and fightin’, which might be the best move she has made in eight seasons.

-Arya looks like she wants to do something. After what she did to the Night King, I’d LOVE to see that.

-Tyrion rolls up on Dany like, the fuck was all that about and Dany is like, if you don’t sit your treasonous ass down somewhere. Tyrion is like, fuck it, here is my two weeks’ notice and you can have this Walmart-ass brooch back, too. The DothSullied are waiting for Dany to tell ’em to Hulk Smash, but she just orders him to be taken away. And here, I knew Tyrion wouldn’t die, because he would have died right then and there. But they ain’t killin’ Dinklage at this point, if he hadn’t already. Jon looks at Dany in disappointment and she gives -47 fucks about his feelings.

-Arya sidles up to Jon, and he tries to tell her to go wait for him outside the gates. At this point, all this big brother shit is cool, but Arya can take care of herself. I needed her to say, “did YOU kill the Night King?”. That should be her response to literally everything. Anyway, Arya tries to warn him again because Dany knows who he is, which means he is a threat and he needs to be careful.

-Jon visits Tyrion, wine-less, which isn’t fitting of a good friend. Tyrion accepts his fate and lists all the bad shit he has done in his life, although his mother, not really his fault, but throw it on the list anyway. Jon then tries to pin Dany’s shit on Tyrion, saying that he was the one that guided her, and again, Tyrion owned up to it and said he thought he could, but he couldn’t, and King’s Landing paid for it. Jon says that the war is over, and Tyrion is like, did you not JUST hear her? Dany has been on her Harriet Tubman tour for friggin’ eight seasons, burnin’ people up, but it’s going to stop now? Okay, bud. But he also says to Jon that he, too, has been on a dragon and he wouldn’t have done what she did, which is true. Because Dany has killed way more people than anyone. But it was usually for good, and the more she kills, the more she thinks she is right, tryna build a better world for everyone (again, NOT something that Hitler would do). Jon has a confused look on his face. The same one we’ve seen for eight seasons.

-Whew, this scene is long. Great (well, on Dinklage’s part, anyway), but long.

-Tyrion hits Jon with the “you love her, and love is more powerful than reason”. Wooooo buddy, you ain’t never lied. We’ve all been there at one point or another. He also points out that Jon has always protected the people. But who is the biggest threat to the people now? Tyrone outchea makin’ too much sense. He tells Jon all the same shit Arya said to him, that he isn’t going to be the last man she executes, and Jon is the biggest threat of all, and Jon is like, that’s fine, she is the Queen, I’m not going to kill her. Tyrion then repeats what Arya said, that Sansa would never bend the knee, and Jon still won’t kill Dany. He knows what he has to do, but that Ned Stark shit has Jon being all noble and shit.

-Jon is walking through the Red Keep and walks up on a sleeping Drogon, who gives him a sniff and goes back to sleep. Drogon is like, I SHOULD kill you, but I’ll see what Moms has to say. What a good boy. Better than Ghost. In fact, Ghostface Killah is better than Ghost.

-Dany finally sees the Iron Throne, which she has been waiting to see for quite a while, I’d say. But she doesn’t get to sit down on what looks to be a terribly uncomfortable throne before Jon rolled in. Can they get her one of those joints that you use in your computer chairs? Not one single ruler has thought of that. Good grief. Anyway, Jon tries to appeal mercy to Dany, who isn’t having it, and this is Cersei’s fault, which, I mean, she’s not entirely wrong. Anyway, blah blah, mercy and NOAP, and she wants Jon to come with her and they’ll break the wheel. And Jon was like, nah, catch this dagger to the chest, b. In the words of the illustrious X-Files, “trust no one”.

-Drogon comes around, like he hears his moms calling from the other room to turn the television, even though the remote is right in front of her. He swoops down and starts tryna move her dead body, lookin’ like the mother from “Boyz N The Hood”. He is PISSED, and it looks like he is going to kill Jon, but instead he burns the Iron Throne. I did actually think that he was going to burn Jon, who deserved it. I think it was because Drogon was like, man, fuck this throne, it looks mad uncomfortable, it probably gives you hemorrhoids, and it makes people do fucked-up things, for better or for worse.

-I’ve seen some people say, oh, a dragon couldn’t know all that. But guess what, I’ma let you in on a secret: DRAGONS AREN’T REAL. So I’ma keep thinking that Drogon made sense of it all, said this is stupid, took Dany somewhere, probably ate her because, I mean, come on, why not, and then he went to DeVry and got a diploma or something. Maybe he went and got a trade as a welder. It might take a minute to figure out how much fire he needs for a pipe (I know nothing about welding, so if this sounds wrong…..I don’t care), but he’ll figure. Drogon is a strong and independent dragon, who lost his moms and his two brothers, and he can do what he wants.

-Fast forward, I dunno, could be two months, could be a few days, whatever. Tyrion is taken by Grey Worm to the pit. The Stars are there, Brienne, Davos, a whole buncha people. Sansa asks Grey Worm where Jon is and he’s like, we got it, this is our city now. Sansa is like, we got people and Grey Worm is like, we got people, too. Yara pipes up and says she swore to follow Dany, who Sansa says was a tyrant and Yara is like, well, so was Cersei, so six of one and half dozen of the other. Yara then makes the mistake of threatening Jon and Arya was like, man, I will slit your throat so damn fast, and Davos was like, y’all, CHILL, B. He tells Grey Worm that he can have the Reach, which is actually a good come-up. But Grey Worm is like, nah, we just want a head for Dany’s death and Tyrion is like, you can’t decide that, only the new king or queen can do that. Tyrion says, well, y’all need to figure this out, don’t you?

-Edmure Tully pipes up after not being around for a season-and-a-half, and tries to make this speech. Sansa is like, MAN, SIT CHO ASS DOWN. It was a simple “please sit”, but with everyone looking at him like, YO SHE TOLD YOU, BRUH, then he couldn’t even sit his ass down in the first place, it was definitely a MAN, SIT CHO ASS DOWN. Edmure Tully……FOH.

-Sam offers democracy. Everyone laughs. It seems like a good idea, but this band of idiots couldn’t make it work. FORESHADOWING.

-They ask Tyrion his opinion, which I thought wasn’t a thing anymore, but even though he has been slipping, he is still smarter than everyone there, outside of maybe Sansa, Sam and Bran, I guess. Tyrion goes on a speech about stories uniting people, and ends up on Bran the Broken, as we’re calling him now, apparently. Sansa is like, Bran can’t have a son and Tyrion is like, cool, men are idiots, the smartest thing he has said in 12 episodes. Tyrion is like, you don’t want it, you don’t care about power, but will you take it and Bran is like, WHY YOU THINK I’M HERE, BRUH……I FOOOOOOOOOLED YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU. Bran pulled that okey-doke on mufuckas. Zigged when everyone thought he was gonna zag, unlike his younger brother, Rickon (who doesn’t get a RIP, he deserved every ounce of that shit). Anyway, everyone agrees, and Sansa is like, I’m taking the North as an independent and Bran is like, whatever. Bran then makes Tyrion his Hand because he has been so good at it in the past, and Grey Worm is like, so I don’t get to kill anyone? This is BULLSHIT. How does this dude keep failing up, or at least not failing down? Welcome to life, Grey Worm. Welcome to life.

-Tyrion tells Jon that he is going back to the Night’s Watch, who I thought were all dead and is there any need for them anymore? Jon is still asking if it was right what he did, and Tyrion was like, first, WE did that shit and second, ask me in ten years. Jon says he won’t see Tyrion again, but he will. Tyrion knows his way around, he’ll pop up for a vat of wine and chicken, or whatever Tormund and ’em got up there. Tormund is a big dude. He’s eating SOMETHING up there.

-Jon walks through King’s Landing, and sees Grey Worm, who has a look that says, “I’ma get you someday”. But instead, he says that they’re going to Naath, Missandei’s home, to protect them and if I had to wager a guess, kill more mufuckas. They say their emotional goodbyes or whatever, for some people, I was never a Stark guy, I like two of them and the other three can go fly a kite. But Sansa ends up as Queen of the North, which is great for her and well-deserved after all the garbage and bullshit she has been through. Jon asks Arya to come visit him in the Norf Norf (shouts to Vince Staples), but Arya is like, I’m going as far west as I can. I don’t know what is west, if anything, but cool. She could have also been a lady, but Arya is about that travelin’ life. And then Jon says something to Bran about not being there when he was needed, and Bran was all, you were exactly where you needed to be. Whatever, Bran. Weirdo.

-Brienne rewrites Jaime’s section in the scrolls, not scrolls, the books, whatever they are. That book you write your condolences in at a funeral home. Anyway, she writes, “dies protecting his Queen”, which he absolutely did. And she did that because she is honorable and not petty like the rest of us. This little part here basically sums up Game Of Thrones: mad because it didn’t end the way you wanted it to. She wrote for a RACK of time, too. How much ink did she go through?

-Tyrion is back in the Hand’s chair, with Bronn, and starts straightening chairs, when he is joined by Bronn and Davos. Bronn might have had the best come-up of them all. Kept threatening peoples’ lives until he was the Lord of Highgarden. He is at least top five in the MVP conversation. Sam also enters and says they wrote a book called “A Song of Ice and Fire”, about the wars after Robert’s Rebellion. Tyrion wants to know what they said about him and Sam was like, we didn’t mention you, which, as a writer, is terrible journalism. Like, even just to say he was a jerk who made awful decisions, you gotta mention Tyrone at some point. Anyway, Sam is trash and I hope Drogon eats his family. Bran rolls in with Brienne, finally with a new chair, and he wants new Masters of Whispers (was Varys), Wars (was Grey Worm) and Law (man, I have no idea and nor do I care). Bronn, who is in charge of the money, is enlisted to send supplies from Highgarden and Tyrion wants sewers because I bet King’s Landing smells AWFUL right now, and Bronn is like, so what about these brothels, though? And we’re all back to square. Because like The Wire…..NOAP, can’t say that. I really should just rewatch it and do recaps for it. I mean, I won’t, but I should.

-Jon gets back to Castle Black, where they have apparently started to rebuild the wall because what else are you gon’ do? Tormund sees him like, man, I knew you’d be up there, you’re not build for that royalty life. Arya takes Needle, gets on her ship and goes out west, to Cali, I assume. Sansa gets bowed down to as the Queen of the North. Jon is like, FINALLY, a place where people don’t want me to be responsible and do anything! He sees Ghost, who is missing an ear and I laughed. All the Starks are where they’re supposed to be. Except for Bran.

-Oh, wait, did Jon, Tormund and squad go even further north? Well, whatever, settle down and find you a good wildling girl, or guy, just do something with no responsibility. Although responsibility finds Jon and he is probably the King of the Wildings now, but they seem pretty easygoing.

And that was that. There was some stuff that I wasn’t a fan of (strangely, not really this season, some old shit), but overall, I was always entertained for eight seasons of Game Of Thrones. I have it behind The Wire, Breaking Bad (which I thought I had on here, but it was the old blog) and maybe Mad Men for GOAT of all time, but it just ended, so there is plenty of time for that. But it was fun, I was entertained and in the end, that’s all I really care about.

Thanks for letting me ramble for the last four seasons/five years. This is probably the end of the recaps, but you never know. I still need some sort of outlet to write, so it’ll probably be random stuff, with no warning, and that will be that.

And now, our watch has ended.

Game Of Thrones S08E05 – The Bells

One episode left in Game Of Thrones, and it’s not gon’ end the way you think it’s gon’ end. There will be a few people that will be fine with the ending, but Game Of Thrones has gotten so big that people just want it to be the way they want it to be.

It’s not that. Just enjoy it.

Let’s go….

-Watching the “Previously On Game Of Thrones” part, and that last look Dany gave the camera…if you didn’t know what it was about to be, that’s on you.

-We open with Varys straight snitchin’ on Jon’s real back story, and one of his little spies is like, she won’t eat because of Missandei’s death, but she also thinks the Unsullied is on to her. Varys about to send this little girl to die. Then he tries and convince Jon to take the Iron Throne because of lineage and all that, and Jon is like, nah, that’s my queen, yo. Also, Jon ain’t about that responsibility life, even though he is probably the best person for the job. That being said, that is a low-ass bar.

-Tyrion sees all this and is like, how can I avoid death by one more day because I keep fuckin’ up? He runs on Dany on some more snitchin’ shit, and she says Jon, but Tyrion is like, actually, it’s Varys and Dany went through the whole snitchin’ tree until she got to Jon. Dany is about to go on tilt, b. You had to have seen this coming.

-Dany looks a mess. You can’t tell me Missandei wasn’t doing her hair.

-Varys is tryna get these letters off when Grey Worm and the squad come down, and he knows what time it is. They lead Varys into a cave, he looks at Tyrion like, you raggedy bitch, and accepts his fate. Tyrion even admitted it and Varys is like, BITCH, I KNOW, GET YOUR HAND OFF ME. No point in even tryna reason with Dany at this point. They burn Varys up, then she has a moment where she gives Grey Worm something of Missandei’s, and he throws that shit in the fire. So, Dany knows she got a real one watching her back. No time for this sentimental shit.

-Dany tells Jon that he shouldn’t have told Sansa shit, and the North don’t love her like that, shouts to Draymond Green and Paul Pierce. She tries to get some secks poppin’, but Jon is like, we probably shouldn’t do this for a number of reasons. Dany is like, welp, alright then, I see where we are, then. Yup, everyone is gettin’ got.

-Tyrion still tries to appeal to Dany, saying something about a bell, which means the city surrenders and mercy and all that. Dany don’t care, though. She is her father’s daughter, Ain’t no mercy. She tried to be nice before. And then she hits Tyrion with, I know you tried to sneak Jaime out, too, and I’ll kill you if you try that shit again. Tyrion just wants to die at this point.

-Jon and Tyrion meet Davos in, I dunno, Dragonstone? I have no idea where he is. Is that still Dragonstone? I don’t care. Jon is like, you need to get everything ready now, we ridin’. Tyrion more or less asks Davos to smuggle Jaime out of wherever he is, which is bold of him. Tyrion also tries to speak to the Unsullied, and they’re like, nah, bitch, we speak English. It’s like me in Montreal when I try to do a little bit of French, and I know the other person speaks English, but they just wanna fuck with me a little. Shoot, if I knew another language, I would, too. Tyrion and Jaime have a great scene, Tyrion tells him where to go to not die, and for the love of God, talk some sense into Cersei. If nothing else, Tyrion is a Lannister: fiercely loyal to his family, even though they definitely don’t deserve it. Jaime, to a lesser extent as well. Cersei, NOAP. If that is the last scene that Peter Dinklage and  Nikolaj Coster-Waldau have together, it was fantastic. The heartstrings were pulled. Jaime was all Tyrion had, and Jaime did genuinely love him, as no one else would. And he knows that Dany is gon’ kill him for this when she finds out.

-Zoom in on that bell, because the episode is called “The Bells”. We have Euron and their giant crossbows, ready to go, waiting for Dany, and everyone is piling into the Red Keep. Arya and the Hound are in the crowd, along with Jaime, and that’s not a good start for the Lannister army. Jaime just walkin’ around with a big-ass gold hand and shit. Armies are marching. Cersei finally appears at her perch, sans wine, so you know it is an occasion. They close the gates on people, and that damn near starts a riot, so obviously, Jaime dips off.

-Dany swoops in from the back and starts roasting the Iron Fleet or whatever they’re called, and this shit wouldn’t even be a fair fight if she still had even two dragons. They can’t seem to hit Drogon at all, and he is just BBQin’ mufuckas at will, mans was Steph Curry in Game 6. Grey Worm, Jon and Davos got their squad, but Drogon is like, nah, fire for EVERYONE. So their army rushes in and gets to choppin’. Grey Worm is on a MISSION, bruh. I have no idea where these Dothraki came from, because I thought they all died at Winterfell, but whatever, man. Truth be told, though, they aren’t needed. Dany and Drogon are having their way with the capital, just indiscriminate burning of shit.

-We have spent seven seasons yelling for Dany to use the dragons. She even did it once a season, someone was gettin’ burnt up. But now, she uses the dragons and people are like, innocent people, blah blah blah. Man, y’all don’t care about those people in King’s Landing. Get outta here with that. This is absolutely her character. Everyone kept saying she wasn’t her father, but she has shown enough to me in seven-plus seasons that yes, yes she is.

-Cersei hears Drogon, sees the city burning and is like, hmmmm, this is not how I planned it. She’s adamant though, even though Qyburn is like, we are getting are ASSES KICKED right now. Jon, Grey Worm, Davos and company roll up on some Lannisters as Tyrion surveys the damage. Jaime is still headed for Cersei. Drogon is mad. The Lannisters lay down their swords. Everyone surrenders, people start yelling to ring the damn bell and Cersei is like, for real? Y’all some bums. Everyone is looking at the bell for like, two minutes, and then it sounds. And you think that’s it.

-Dany is like, NOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. This is where my father died, this is where I almost died, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAP, FIRE FOR EVERYONE AND WHERE IS CERSEI AT? Jon is confused, and Grey Worm is like, well, their swords are on the ground anyway, let’s get it. And yo…..Drogon is literally zig-zagging and burning untold numbers of mufuckas, man. It was FANTASTIC. Tyrion, Jon, all y’all, stop being surprised. This was always on the table.

-Jon goes into slo-mo mode, kids are laying on the ground and shit, he stays killin’ people though. It’s literally the only thing Jon is good at. Drogon continues to fuck shit up. Euron and Jaime fight in a weird, I dunno, I didn’t really expect it, but anyway, they do that, Drogon is puttin’ up 48 points per game on King’s Landing on some “LeBron in Boston in Game 6 in 2012” shit. Easily the MVP of this episode. Jaime and Euron are still fighting, Jaime wins, even though he got stabbed at least twice. That’s fine. Did we really care about Euron? If you do, you’re a bad person.

-Qyburn tries to take Cersei somewhere safe, and then we get back to Jaime and Euron, and I told you how it ends, but damn, this is still going. Euron also says that he is the man who killed Jaime Lannister, and I mean….just hold on to that for a minute.

-Arya and the Hound finally get to the Red Keep, and the Hound wants Arya to leave and not worry about revenge on Cersei, as he waits for the Mountain. He makes a good point. The Hound has been powered by revenge, and he doesn’t want Arya to end up like him. Which is wonderful, given their history. She even thanks him with his government name.

-The Red Keep is falling. Oh, in the last scene, we saw that green dragonfire that we last saw when Cersei burnt up Religious Bernie Sanders. Apparently, Cersei didn’t use it all. Anyway, the Hound runs into his brother, Cersei and everyone, and he kills the Kingsguard like it was nothing. Cersei orders the Mountain to stay with her, and Qyburn tries to intervene, and he gets thrown into some rocks. Cersei is like, I can see this is a family thing, so if you don’t mind, (and this is some real Scotian shit), I’ma just sneak right by ya and go about my business. Also, the judges will accept, “skootch”. Anyway, people get CleganeBowl, so there, y’all got something, good grief.

-Cersei is wandering around, hearing dragons and wanting wine, and of course, Jaime finds her. They have their little moment as the Red Keep is falling down on them, while CleganeBowl is going on, and the Hound quickly realizes that, I can stab him hundreds of times, but it doesn’t matter, because he is practically a zombie. Mans walks down the steps like Thanos and shit, and proceeds to start messin’ up the Hound, and Arya probably hears it because she’s special like that. Arya runs through King’s Landing like an obstacle course, as the Hound is meeting his end, the Mountain is just wildin’ on him.

-Drogon is STILL fuckin’ shit up.

-The Mountain starts to dig out the Hound’s eyes, until the Hound stabs him in the eye with a knife, which is just a minor inconvenience. But the Hound sacrifices himself to take the Mountain down into the fire that is ALL of King’s Landing. That was always gon’ end in a draw.

-Jon and Davos tries to get everyone to fall back because Drogon, well, let me rephrase (and I’m not going back to change past references), Dany is outchea wildin’ out. Arya wakes up a hot mess, but she ain’t dead. She tries to lead some woman and her child to safety, but that ends in some Drogon hot fiya for ya face. Seriously, this Drogon performance is incredible. Jaime and Cersei get to, I believe where Tyrion told Jaime to go, and Cersei is like, I want our baby to live. Yeah, missus, I think it’s a little late for all that. The Red Keep collapses and it is presumed that they’re dead now. I mean, Game Of Thrones has done this before, with Stannis and not showing us his death. Truth be told, this is probably my biggest issue with this season, is that I didn’t see Cersei die. I’m black and white with Cersei: I either wanted her to win, or to die viciously and bloodily. Jaime, meh, I’m fine with that.

-And that being said, I’m not 100% they’re dead. I don’t know why, I’m probably wrong. But I don’t.

-Arya looks around at the carnage, and is like, maybe I should try this whole lady shit that Gendry was talkin’ about. But nah, she got bigger fish to fry now. And then she finds a horse and rides the fuck off like a G.

I had a big conclusion written, but it didn’t save before I published. So, I’ll try to remember everything I wrote (which obviously isn’t happening). Sansa is gon’ be back at Winterfell like, I TOLD Y’ALL SHE CAN’T BE TRUSTED. Someone has to take to Dany out before she turns on Jon and the Starks, and my money is probably on Arya, but I wouldn’t bet against Bran gettin’ his Raven on. Tyrion probably doesn’t make it out alive. If I had a guess, Sansa is left standing. I really don’t care at this point, though. I literally don’t care about opinions and “facts” and theories or any of that. 80 minutes to go, and I’m going to enjoy it. I suggest you do, too, or else, what are we doing this for?

Game Of Thrones S08E04 – Last Of The Starks

After the carnage of “The Long Night”, “Last Of The Starks” was a much-needed respite for Game Of Thrones, although it seems like I’m the only one who liked the episode. I really only need to know a couple things about how this is going to end, but I won’t be pressed if I don’t find out. Life will go on.

And with the biggest cup of Starbucks I can muster, let’s go…….

-There is a long-ass funeral that I feel could have been shorter. Dany cries over Jorah, aight, cool. Sansa cries over Theon, fuck that. She also gives him what seems to be a letter opener, but it is still pointy enough that she might regret that later. Then again, she doesn’t seem to know how knives work anyway. Ghost is alive, bloody, but alive, and I feel like people would have just watched 80 minutes of him running around, rather than what actually happened. The only thing I can gather from this is that, man, Winterfell must have smelled like ass after burning all those bodies. And what do wights smell like when they die? Lavender? Feet? A large pile of Taylor Swift albums? I’ll let you be the judge. Anyway, this was long.

-And now, the party starts as Dany, Jon and Sansa sit rather awkwardly at the head of the hall. Gendry is looking for Arya, and he asks the Hound if he has seen her, and the Hound is like, all this death and you tryna smash again? Come on, bruh. He gets called out by Dany, who says he knows who he is, and who his father is, you know, the one that stole the throne from the Targaryens and tried to kill baby Dany Stormborn. She wonders who is the lord of Storm’s End, and everyone is like, what the hell is Storm’s End. Turns out it’s Baratheon property and Dany makes Gendry the lord of that joint, which is a helluva promotion from weapon-maker for Mr. Arya Stark. But it earns her a little bit of goodwill which is surely going to go up in flames (pun intended). Still, all this was, was a flex from Dany to be like, yup, this that Queen shit right here, dogg. I can do this, if y’all act right. Sansa is not buying it, tho. Not even a little bit. If these two could get on the same page, we wouldn’t even need Episode 6. Shit would be a wrap next week. But we’ll get to that.

-So I’m watching it again and I still didn’t notice the Starbucks cup. Didn’t even know it was a thing until the next day. So y’all can’t see during a battle, but you can see a Starbucks cup. Did you figure out that there was a brightness setting on your television? People are hilarious.

-Jaime and Brienne’s little flirting starts, everyone is happy, but the Hound, who ain’t been happy since ’76. Tyrion and Bran have an exchange and Bran says he doesn’t want to be the Lord of Winterfell because he is lives in the past, and Tyrion is like, why can’t you just be NORMAL? Bran is the Kyrie Irving of this shit, always speaking in tongues and not making any sense. Jaime, Tyrion and Brienne start playing Never Have I Ever, which is some real Grade 6 shit if I ever heard it, and Brienne stays smiling at Jaime and God, just get it over with. Tormund is drunkenly extolling Jon’s courage and all that, and Dany is in the back like, bitch, I brought dragons and a rack of people and boats, and I can’t get a little love? Dany about to get up like Nino Brown in New Jack City on some “I BUILT THIS SHIT”. And that Mad Targaryen starts to creep in, which has been coming for like, I dunno, eight seasons? And Varys is in the back like, yup, I’ve seen this before. Because all Dany wants is her corners (another Wire reference), and everyone else will burn in hellfire if she doesn’t.

-Tyrion guesses that Brienne is a virgin and she’s like, fuck this game, yo, I’ll cut you. Tormund wanders over and if nothing else, he is determined. But Jaime follows Brienne and Tormund is like, dammit, I’ve been beaten, how did that happen. He really should take lessons from Pod, who gets a smile from a lady and we know how he gets down. Tormund is venting to the Hound, and I can’t think of anyone in Westeros who gives less of a fuck about Tormund’s love life than the Hound. He don’t even want to get up with these girls who sit with him and Tormund, who is like, welp, move on to the next one, or two, whatever. Sansa sits down with him and is like, fuck is your problem, b? The Hound alludes to her rapes and Sansa is like, yup and I fed that bitch to the hounds, who actually kinda smiled and it was really weird. He says that if he had left Winterfell with her, she wouldn’t have run into all those problems and Sansa is like, I’d be a little bird all my life without those lessons. Her character arc might be the most impressive in the show. She still makes some dumb moves, but that could be the tagline of Game Of Thrones. GoT: We All Do Dumb Shit, But Here We Are. Shit sounds like an Earl Sweatshirt album.

-Gendry finds Arya and is like, I got this promotion, yo, we movin’ on up to the east side, shouts to The Jeffersons. Arya is like, yeah, NAH. She’s not a lady, she never wanted to be a lady, and that’s just not her jam. And that is fine. Arya would be bored as hell, and would start picking off random people. Also, it’s awesome that Arya just did what she did, and how does she celebrate? By shooting arrows. Arya is Kobe Bryant out here, gettin’ shots up in the gym after a game. Meanwhile, Jaime and Brienne have sex. Cool.

-Dany and Jon seem like they’re gon’ get it poppin’, but then they decide that they should talk about some stuff. She does come out and say that she is jealous at the way everyone looks at Jon at Winterfell, and he doesn’t want the place, but Dany is like, damn what you want, they want you as King, you’ll be King and then what about me? Dany tries to tell him to do the smart thing and not tell anyone, but Jon’s honorable raised-by-Ned-Stark headass is like, nah, I gotta tell Sansa, Arya and Bran, who already knows, but I’ll give Bran this: he ain’t a snitch. Not like I would have done. Soon as I found out, I would have had the dragons do a flyover saying, JON IS A TARGARYEN just above Winterfell.

-Jon, Dany and the squad are in the war room playing RISK, and they realize that they got pretty messed up by the Night King and his crew. Dany wants to roll up on King’s Landing and wreck shop, but Tyrion stays tryna keep Cersei alive, which is so very dumb. He used to be the most clever person in Westeros, as Sansa said, but my man Tyrone, he’s slippin’. Might gotta die. Sansa is like, man, can we at least rest before we go and do this? It’s a good plan, the people they have left are likely bruised up and might be missing a toe. It’s probably the smart move. But we’ve been watching people do dumb shit for eight seasons, so of course, Dany is like, nah, we ridin’ now. Sansa and Arya don’t agree, and I don’t even know if Bran was there in the mental, and he don’t care anyway.

-The Starks meet out by the Face Tree, and Sansa is like, yo, we can’t trust her. Arya is like, we can’t trust her, but we did need that army, so you had to do what you had to do. She says they are the last of the Starks and they’re all they got, and Jon is like, I’ve never been Stark and Bran snaps out of it finally, like that girl floating across the gif of Migos and Joe Budden about to fight, like what y’all talkin’ about, anything good? He says to Jon, it’s your choice and he makes them swear not to tell anyone. They swear, but Sansa probably had her fingers crossed behind her back. Jon can’t even do it, he gets Bran to tell them. Jon is so stupid.

-Tyrion says that he is happy that Jaime is happy, and makes a tall joke, which isn’t his best. Again, Tyrone is slippin’. And they both are, because Bronn rolls in the spot with the crossbow and makes it very clear that he is there to kill them. He also hits Tyrion in the nose, but this was a damn good scene between the three of them. This is a spin-off I’d be down with, just watching those three talkin’ shit. Anyway, Bronn’s whole plan is like, Cersei offered me Riverrun, what can y’all offer, and Tyrion says that he’ll give Bronn Highgarden, the Tyrells’ old crib (shouts to Lady O). See, Bronn is always looking for a deal, if he really wanted to kill them, he would have. And it isn’t because they’re friends, it’s because he likes money and stuff. Which will be the end of him, of course.

-The Hound and Arya decide that they’re going to King’s Landing, him to fight his brother, her to kill Cersei. It would probably be best if they told someone. But I guess not. But I’m okay with that. They can handle themselves.

-The squad make their way to Dragonstone, Dany’s family crib, while Tyrion and Sansa have a chat. Tyrion is like, what’s your beef with her, and Sansa is like, the army is gone, Jon is gone, you’re afraid of her because she’ll burn your ass up, and all my family has died up in the capital. Tyrion is like, Jon told me that he isn’t a Stark and Sansa is like, OOOOOOOOOOOH BOY DO I GOT SOME TEA FOR YOU. Someone on Twitter said Sansa started a group chat within seconds of finding out. She damn near popped a vein tryna keep that secret in.

-Tormund and Jon say their goodbyes, peace, God. I think we have seen the last of him. Sam and Gilly come to say goodbye as well, she is pregnant, so they’re like, yeah, all this fighting shit is for the birds. But we’ll see Sam again, maybe not Gilly and the baby, who is hopefully a girl named Jon. Definitely 15/10 will see Sam again. Oh, and Jon sends Ghost off with Tormund, and Ghost is like, fuck is this shit? I ain’t did nothing to no one! People were MAD. I laughed.

-Of course, Tyrion tells Varys, and he wants to marry the two of them since Varys is still skeptical of Dany. Varys is like, yeah, they don’t play that incest stuff in the North. Varys is all about the realm, so I guess, the people, which he has said for years. Anyway, they get to Dragonstone and everything is going so swell, Dany is smiling, the dragons are happy, and then BOOM, Jon’s dragon catches a giant arrow to the chest and looks down like, fuck is this? And then BOOM, another one to the neck. Euron and his crew are chillin’ behind a big-ass rock, which no one managed to catch. I’m okay with it. Again, Dany has never been a tactical genius, she just had a big army and three dragons. It’s like the Warriors and Kevin Durant: ain’t no plays, just give it to him and get out of the way. That’s a lot of sports references in this joint. But it is playoff time. Dany is PISSED and aims to divebomb the boats, but thinks better of it and somehow manages to not lose her dragon. Even Euron is like, so I hit one dragon with two, but we can’t hit one dragon with like, 20 arrows? But he refocuses on her fleet, and well, it doesn’t go well for Team Stormborn. Tyrion almost dies like fiftyeleven times, and ends up in the water with everyone else, and they make it to shore. Grey Worm is looking for Missandei. This is ABSOLUTELY not gon’ end well.

-Finally, the homie Cersei is chillin’, lying to Euron about it being his baby because there is no Maury in Westeros (Is there? Could it be Varys?). Cersei is betting that Dany won’t kill thousands of innocent people, so leave the door open for her and oh yeah, we got Missandei, so that’s a bird in the hand. What a dumb saying that is. Something about hands and bushes and people just made shit up back in the…..actually, we still make up dumb shit. It is smart of Cersei to keep the people in the Red Keep, as to ward off Dany. Hahahahahaha…..if only Dany cared about the kids. In the words of the great Michael Jordan (he didn’t really say this….or did he? He didn’t, but I wouldn’t be shocked at all if he did)…..

-Grey Worm is like, I’m killin’ EVERYONE. Varys tries to tell Dany that this is a mistake and she isn’t having it whatsoever. She said that she was there to free the people of tyrants, but she’ll kill anyone that stands in her way. That’s some good hypocrisy. Tyrion is still tryna keep Dany to kill Cersei, and man, Tyrone, it just has to be this way. Cersei is every bad thing that everyone says about her, and oh my goodness, so much more. Varys is like, this is not a good move, bruh, and I’m going to do something about it, something that has to do with Jon getting on the throne. Varys, The People’s Champ, really outchea tryna get everyone killed. Everyone wants Jon to do a job that he does not want. Tyrion is like, DON’T. Varys is like, well, we’ll see.

-Brienne and Sansa tells Jaime that Dany’s squad got jacked by Cersei and ’em, so obviously, Jaime sneaks in Brienne’s room to do some thinking, and then sneaks out when she wakes up. She goes outside and begs him to stay, but Jaime gotta go and kill his sisterwife. Wifesister? Mother of his children, at the very least. He kinda owes it to everyone. Jaime let a LOT of fuckery go where Cersei is concerned. Shit, he has participated in a solid 40-50% of it. Actually, an extra 10% for kickin’ Bran out the window. Actually, let’s go with a solid 94% of Cersei fuckery has involved Jaime in some sort of way. The extra 6% is attributed to wine. That sucks for Brienne, tho. Gendry, too. Oh well. Big person pants on. No time for shook ones now.

-Dany, Varys, Grey Worm, Tyrion, the dragon and like 40 Unsullied walk up to King’s Landing like they’re selling Girl Guide cookies. Cersei has Missandei on the edge of the wall, and that’s gon’ be a long drop. Dammit, I love Lena Headey. I have no business wanting Cersei to win and I know that she won’t, but Lena has been a beast over the last seven-plus seasons. She should have at least one Emmy. Anyway, they stare at each other for a few minutes before Tyrion walks up to the door, where he is greeted by Qyburn. He tries to talk sense into Qyburn, who ain’t tryna hear it, so Tyrion walks past him to Cersei, who is known for her great listening skills.

-Her shooters point at Tyrion, she tells them to fall back because if Cersei gets to kill Tyrion, it’s going to be way more gross and evil than just a buncha arrows. Think of what she did to the Shame Nun and then multiply that by the number of glasses of wine Cersei has drank in seven-plus seasons. And add spears and knives. And definitely the Mountain.

-For what seems like the 98th time in this show, Tyrion asks Cersei to not be trash for two seconds, and think about her kid. Cersei is like, I might not even be pregnant, so whatever. She asks Missandei what her last words are, and Missandei is like, DRACARYS, aka, y’all better burn this bitch to the GROUND. Cersei is like, I admire that, but the Mountain gotta behead ya. And with that, there goes the best hair in Westeros. If I’m Dany, I’m killing Tyrion right then and there. Enough of all this talking and tryna be nice with Cersei. She is the WORST. She doesn’t deal with negotiations and talking. And Grey Worm is gon’ run up in the Red Keep like the last wrestler in the Royal Rumble. He is catchin’ so many bodies next week. He’ll probably die along the way, but he is taking a buncha people with him. He might have to fight the Hound to get to the Mountain.

Pssssssh, I have no idea what is going to happen over the next two episodes. I saw the next week joint, but I forget it already and I’m okay with that. I’m just soaking all this up. It’s pretty hilarious how the audience has turned on Game Of Thrones, but that says more about us than it does about them. But I’m here for all of the fuckery that is coming our way, and I want the most ridiculous ending possible. I want Cersei riding a dragon into a Six Flags, and I want a scene where Dany walks into a Starbucks and the barista has to say all 46 of her names. Oh, and next week is directed by the battle director from last week, so for the love of God, figure out where your brightness setting is if a nighttime battle. Google it if you have to.

Until the next one…..

Game Of Thrones

Game Of Thrones S08E03 – The Long Night

So, we got here. After seven-plus seasons, “The Long Night” came to Westeros. It was dark, it was gritty, it was confusing, it was emotional, and it was my favorite episode of Game Of Thrones to date. At least top-three.

Let’s just get this out of the way: I don’t care that it was dark. Apparently, something technical happened on HBO, but turn ya brightness up. It was fine on my TV. And I like the chaotic, unsettling feeling that it gave me. Because, from what I understand, that is war. And why do you want to see the face of Dothraki #9620? You could see all the faces that you needed to see. Anyway, that sucks for you if it took away your enjoyment of the episode. I was good.

-There was no “Previously on Game Of Thrones” or nothing. Just straight into the credits. LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO………….

-It starts with the montage of everyone walking around Winterfell, getting ready for the Night King and his squad. Sam being a punk ALREADY. Lyanna yellin’ at people. Tyrion and Bran have a look. What did Bran tell him when they were having storytime, that likely got cut short by this? Tyrion even says…..I’ll get to that later. The dragons make their appearance, while the Unsullied and the Dothraki are waiting, and it’s funny that THEY were the ones that had to go in the front, but we know what it is about. Edd knows damn well that Sam shouldn’t be out here, he ain’t built for this. Jon and Dany, Arya and Sansa, everyone is just waiting for something to happen. A horse comes out of nowhere, and Davos knew exactly who it was. Melisandre returns, as she said she would, does her little spell magic shit and BOOM, FIRE SWORDS. Melisandre would be great at housewarming parties. Shows up with flaming weapons. And she speaks to Grey Worm in his language, because of course, she is bilingual.

-She meets up with Davos and tells him that she’ll be dead before dawn, and she shoots Arya a look. They haven’t talked since Season 3 and wouldn’t you know, that shit comes back to be important. So much stuff has happened in this show that I’ve forgotten like 85% of it. Now, armed with their flaming swords, Jorah leads the Dothraki into the forest, and Ghost rides with them, I forgot he was still around. Anyway, they finally meet the wights and well, that didn’t go well for them at all. All the fire was extinguished, and Jorah rode back with a few dudes like, uhhhhhhhhhh, we’re in trouble, y’all. This shit is ominous, man. You can hear them coming, and after what just happened, I have no idea how half of them haven’t fainted yet. I’d be in that castle so damn fast, you’d have to kill me anyway. Oh, one dude did run away. That would be me. Anyway, they’re gettin’ rolled by the wights, but Dany, Jon and the dragons swoop into action and hit that Dracarys on ’em. Now, I feel like that should have happened a little earlier, but dramatic license and all. Also, Dany has never been a tactical genius and really, neither has Jon. But they got dragons, and that helps, at least for now. Anyway, it’s on and poppin’ now. A snowstorm blows through the place and that means the Night King gotta be around somewhere.

-Arya tells Sansa, if you get your ass on down to the crypts and take this knife, which Sansa doesn’t even know how to use. Meanwhile, Bran, Theon and the Ironborn are at the Tree of the Faces, and then it’s back to Sam, who I think manages to stab a wight, but then almost died and then Edd died tryna save him. Yep, that’s on you, buddy. Just take your ass down to the crypts, b. We won’t fault you. You were fine to go down there. We all know this ain’t you.

-Jon, still with his dragon’s beginner’s license, can’t stop flying the dragon into trees and runs into Dany, which makes sense because you’re not supposed to be able to see. On the battlefield, Lyanna yells to fall back and mufuckas is like, FINALLY, THIS SUCKS. They open the gates, and Grey Worm tells his boys to protect the retreat, which is noble of him, because the hell with that. These people don’t love us, bruh.

-Arya saves the Hound with an arrow to a wight that was chasing him, so they’re even now, for everything. And then the command is given to light the pointy trenches, which again, probably should have been lit a little earlier, but hey, what are ya gon’ do? But Melisandre, the real MVP, finally gets the trenches to light with her little spells and magic, and man, y’all should have never kicked her out of the fold. Or did she leave? I dunno, but dammit, she would have been good to have around. Dany looks down like, fuck is goin’ on down there, and does another flyby with the dragon, and they get to chill for a minute, go get some Powerade, have a cigarette, whatever you need. The Hound is like, you know what, this is bullshit and I’m out. He is NOT a fan of fire.

-Tyrion and Varys are down in the crypts and Tyrion says, hey, maybe we should be up there, we might see something everyone else is missing, and as I was getting to earlier…..what did Bran tell him about all this? Tyrion, while he has made some mistakes, is still arguably the smartest person on this show. You would think that Bran would have told him something that makes a difference. Maybe he told him about Jon and Dany? I dunno, and really, Tyrion needs to keep his ass in the crypts. But I do get what he is saying. And he did get down at the Battle of the Blackwater, but he did need to get saved by Pod. Anyway, Tyrion and Sansa talk, the first of many “are they gon’ hook up” moments in this episode. Sansa did say that Tyrion was the best of her husbands, which is like, the LOWEST of bars that anyone has to get over. Joffrey? Ramsay? Not a husband, but Littlefinger? Basically, Tyrion simply needs to not be a psychopath and he is good. But Sansa is like, the Dragon Queen wouldn’t be a fan of that and Missandei pipes up like, why you talkin’ about my girl like that, without her, y’all would have been DEAD DEAD. And Sansa is like, shit, she is gon’ run and tell Dany that.

-At the Face Tree (I’ll alternate between the two), Theon tries to apologize for being a fuckboy, and Bran basically says it’s all good and he’s home, but NAH. And then he’s like, I’m going to go now and Theon is like, huh, and BOOM, Raven Bran is in the house, squawkin’ and shit. They fly up on the Night King, who instructs the wights to basically lay on the fire and smother hit, and build a wight bridge to get through because why not, he can bring you back to life (or whatever it is) anytime he wants. Davos is like, you gotta be kiddin’ me. He just needs that on a cloak. He perpetually has that look on his face.  Jon is like, OH SHIT, HE GOT A DRAGON, TOO.

-So now, we have a dragon handicap match going on in the air, while the wights are storming the walls after smothering fire. And we are only 40 minutes in. I’ve already smoked half a pack of cigarettes in my head so far.

-Finally, the Unsullied come inside. Good grief.

-Gendry looks like he is going to have a panic attack, but he gets to fightin’. Sam even gets one. Jesus, there are SO FRIGGIN’ MANY OF THESE THINGS. At least four times during this battle, I thought it was over for the living. Sam gets saved AGAIN, and he oscillates between survival mode and punk mode. Bruh, just pick one. You’re pissing me off. Meanwhile, The Hound is actually having a panic attack and Arya comes through SWINGIN’, just rollin’ through these wights like nothing. Beric is like, yo, Hound, you gotta sac up.

-Lyanna meets Wight Wun-Wun, the big-ass giant from the wildlings, although there is no confirmation that it is him. He died in “The Battle of the Bastards“, but I’ma just assume that he got picked up the Night King and if he didn’t, meh, it’s Wight Wun-Wun. He comes through and crushes everything, while The Hound continues to be a Negative Nancy about the whole situation. Then Beric is like, look at Arya then, and switch back to Lyanna, who gets her soul crushed by Wight Wun-Wun, but not before she sticks him in his blue eye. Right now, pour somethin’ out for Lyanna. She did that so you ain’t have to go through that, shouts to Hov.

-The Night King comes out of nowhere to get the dragon handicap match started, and does just enough to be like, yeah, I got a dragon, bitch, what y’all wanna do?

-Then, for me, the best part of the episode. Arya is somewhere in the castle, sneaking around, using her degree, and I was a mess during this part. The suspense damn near gave me a conniption. Maisie Williams needs ALL of these awards for this episode.

-The people in the crypts know that some not-good shit is goin’ down upstairs and that it might not be long before it comes to them. Sansa keeps a straight face, which is probably the best thing she can do right now. But she’s seen ’em. Ain’t gon’ be good.

-Beric and The Hound, who finally snapped out of it because Arya is involved, saves her and they run away. Beric gets stabbed no less than 47 times, but sacrifices himself so that they can get away. I have no idea what the rules are in terms of how many times you can come back, I don’t even know how many times he has been brought back. But he did die like a G. But yo, could you leave us the flaming sword? That would be handy.

-Arya and the Hound make their way into a room and barricade it, and fuckin’ Melisandre creeps out of the shadows out of nowhere. Arya says that Melisandre said they would meet again, and that she would shut many eyes….brown eyes, green eyes, and blue eyes. Then she hits Arya with that “and what do we say to the God of Death”, and Arya responds with, “not today”, and just runs the fuck off, Hound be damned. So, again, I forgot about this, but Arya’s former teacher, Syrio Forel, used to say that to her back in the day, like Season 1. Turns out we don’t even know if Syrio Forel was actually killed by Meryn Trant. Arya just believed that he did it, so she killed him. I mean, I doubt they bring him back, but at this point, I’m never leaving anything off the table. In fact, I think it would make people mad, so I want it to happen.

-The wights reach the Tree of Faces and get to fightin’ Theon and his people, while the Night King and his dragon get to the castle and start messin’ that up. But Jon and Dany and the Night King is knocked off his dragon, which should have been the first clue that the Night King wasn’t shit. Jon gets knocked off his dragon, too, and both of them go down, but Dany still has hers, which should give her a huge advantage, right? So she flies over to the Night King to Dracarys his ass, and he’s on some “Dirt Off Your Shoulders” shit like, did you REALLY think that would work? Walked out that fire like the Terminator, and SMILED at Dany. But then, he missed that shot at her dragon, which he has done before. For whatever reason, he can’t seem to hit Drogon, going back to last season when she went to rescue Jon and they lost Viserion.

-The Night King started raising the dead and Jon is right in the middle of it, which is hilarious, because Jon KNOWS he can do this. But the people in the castle don’t, and Jaime, Sam, Grey Worm and everyone is like, OH COME ON THIS IS NOT FAIR. Wight Lyanna is about to be a PROBLEM. The Night King is kind of a punk, it’s like he is scared to shoot the fair one with Jon. But I mean, those who can do, right? This is war. And then Morris Day and the Time roll up to Winterfell to join the Night King, while the crypts start to break open with the dead. Now, I know that putting them in the crypts probably was stupid, but that being said, where else were they going to go? It’s not like you could put them on a Greyhound and send ’em, shoot, where would you even send them? I’m open to suggestions.

-Dany saves Jon by burning the wights surrounding him, so he can go into the castle. But then she does the most annoying thing in the episode. Why would you put the dragon on the ground, where the wights would get on him? So now, you might be down two dragons because Jon’s is fucked up, and yours looks like it is covered in fire ants. She gets thrown off and is about to get killed, but LORD FRIENDZONE TO THE RESCUE. I shit on Jorah a lot, but I respect him as a fighter and he gets busy. It doesn’t look good for Jaime, Brienne and company as they’re outnumbered so very bad, and Jon is runnin’ through the fight, killin’ things and he sees Sam almost die, but looks at him like, why the hell aren’t you down in the crypts anyway, and I don’t have time to save you.

-Theon runs out of arrows and goes on a killing spree at the Faces Tree, and it’s still middle fingers up to Theon Alouitious Greyjoy and everyone that loves him and he loves.

-Sansa and Tyrion have another moment as they hide and he kisses her hand, and I’m like, are y’all REALLY about to kiss NOW? It looks bleak for the crew as Jon almost gets burned by the Night Dragon, Jaime and Brienne are still gettin’ fucked it, Grey Worm is fightin’, Jorah and Dany get to swingin’ and I didn’t know Dany got down like that, and she is tryna help, but Jorah is gettin’ fucked up. The little girl from last week with the soup is downstairs and I guess she wasn’t Melisandre. Sansa is hiding. There is a lot going on right now.

-And the music starts. This might be the best musical piece of the series, from basically now to the very end. The way it goes with the action, again, more awards for everyone.

-Raven Bran is still hangin’ out, waiting for the Night King. Brienne, one-hand-ass Jaime and Pod manage to hold off two provinces full of wights against a wall. The Night King makes his slow walk up to Bran with his security detail, and I get excited because Theon’s about to get folded like a Rubik’s Cube. Bran snaps out of it and lies to Theon, telling him he is a good man, and no, the fuck he is not. But bruh, he didn’t even try, he more or less just ran into the Night King’s spear. Good. He deserved worse. So much worse. I wish the Night King brought Wight Ramsay back just to mess with Theon for a little bit more. BYE, BITCH.

-Jon, in the funniest part of the episode, tries to sneak up on the Night Dragon, which turns around and sees him and Jon is like, NOAP. He hides behind something and somehow avoids getting torched. Jorah is still fighting somehow, and he has been stabbed at least 14 times at this point. The Night King has been walking to Raven Bran for like, two hours now, but he finally gets there. Jon pulls off the second-funniest part of the episode as he gets fed all the way up, stands up, turns around, and YELLS IN THE DRAGON’S FACE. Is Jon the original “I wanna speak to your manager”? But he has done this before. Stood in front in Ramsay’s army. I’m sure he did some dumb shit like this in the Night’s Watch. He stays standing in front of danger doing dumb shit.

-The Night King slooooooooooooooooooowly reaches for his sword, while his Secret Service is like, aye, do y’all feel something? Arya comes flying out of nowhere, wearing what I can only assume are the most ninja of ninja shoes, but the Night King catches her with one hand by the neck. But she does the MJ switch-hands-in-mid-air joint (shouts to Blake Griffin’s tweet) and hits homeboy in the stomach with a dagger, and not only a dagger, a dagger that Raven Bran gave Arya. The dagger that his would-be assassin carried in Season 1. It went through some other hands, ended up with Littlefinger, who gave it back to Bran, who gave it to Arya. Did he know that she would need it to save his life? Shoot, probably. He’s Raven Bran. Dude knows everything. He doesn’t wanna tell anybody anything, but he knows, I guess. I dunno. Bran gets a solid C over. I feel like he could have done more. Now that this is all done, sit around a campfire that is basically burning bodies at this point, and just tell everyone everything.

-Anyway, Arya kills the Night King, and all the White Walkers and the wights and the Night Dragon and all ’em, everyone gone on some Avengers shit (I’m talking about Infinity War, relax). Everyone is standing around where they are, in a state of both WHAT HAPPENED AND WHY DID THEY STOP and THANK WHATEVER GOD YOU WANT, I’M SO TIRED. Jorah dies in Dany’s arms, and again, I respect it. He died serving her. That’s what he wanted, and that’s what he did. And her dragon lies down beside them like, WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME ON THE GROUND, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

-The Night King? I think Raven Bran will tell us what his deal is next week, I think it’s going to be a lot tamer. And I had a whole thing ready to go on how it relates to another death, a character on The Wire, which y’all know I think is still the best show ever (and it is). I won’t say who it is, because I still think everyone should watch it. But those who have, his death is reminiscent of a character there, who lasted most of the season and was taken out in the most unexpected way possible. Which is why it was good, because for the most part, these fools had no idea what to do with the Night King. He was on his way to a 100-point game, then his ACL exploded.

-Finally, Davos and the Hound watch Melisandre wander out in the slow, she sheds her clothes, turns into her old self and dies before dawn, just like she said she would. Yup, MVP. And don’t get it twisted, Arya was dope, but Melisandre was the push. Also, flaming swords and trenches. Had she not lit the trenches, shit would have been over way sooner.

I still don’t think I’ve done this episode justice. I don’t remember if or when I’ve ever been so gripped by an episode of television. My guesses are that we will see Cersei and her people next week, and the fifth episode will be another battle as Miguel Sapochnik, who directed this and all the other battles except for “Blackwater”. It’s either gon’ be Winterfell, King’s Landing, or somewhere between. Cersei and the Golden Company, and Euron and whoever, against Dany, Jon, whatever is left of Winterfell, 12 Unsullied, one fucked-up dragon, we don’t even know if the other dragon is alive, and you know that Theon’s sister is going to come out of nowhere and help them. Or she’ll take on Euron’s fleet, so water battle? Whatever, man. I’m here for it. All of it.

And special shouts to Black Twitter, because it was a PARTY on there on Sunday night.

And you can complain about it being dark or you can’t hear or smell or whatever, but savor it, because it’s going to be gone and you’re going to be sad.

Game Of Thrones S08E02 – A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms

“A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms” was a fine episode. It was pretty uplifting and everyone seemed to be fine with the impending doom that was coming. That is, until they go there. I think I liked it…..but I’m getting anxious. Let’s go….

Game Of Thrones A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms

-We open with Jaime standing in front of Dany, Sansa and Jon, and Dany tells him that her brother had plenty of stories about the Kingslayer, and what they would do to him when they found him. Man, Viserys wasn’t about to do anything to Jaime. Even if he was still alive and Jaime had one hand, I’m still giving a big advantage to Jaime, who says that he was also lied to by Cersei, and she got the Golden Company on the way to clean up any survivors remaining from the battle with the Night King and his squad. Tyrion tries to jump and Dany is like, nah, bruh, you were wrong the last time, go sit down somewhere. Sansa piles on Jaime, too, and I mean, for good reason. Jaime has been trash for most of the series, but I’m buying his redemption story WAY more than Reeky Theon.

-That being said, Jaime will screw them at some point. And it’ll be great.

-Anyway, keeping on, Jaime doesn’t regret any of what he did and at war, he would do it again. And Bran hit him with that, “the things we do for love”, and that shit was so good. I mean, it’s basically an open secret that Jaime and Cersei were getting down. And last week, I made a couple jokes about it that I stand by. But incest is like, eighth on the list of shit that these people need to worry about right now. Whatever, man, y’all can figure this out later, if you survive, which you probably won’t.

-Brienne jumps to Jaime’s defense, stating that Jaime did lose his hand tryna help her avoid rape, which I had forgotten about. And for the most part, Jaime did right by Brienne along their travels. Sansa trusts Brienne, so Jaime gets a vote. Jon is like, sure, we do need people to fight, one hand, one arm, whatever. So somehow, Dany gets out-voted, instead of just burning everyone up, which I feel was definitely on the table. But she isn’t happy and tells Tyrion to get his shit together or she’ll find a new Hand. I feel like, if I had to bet money, I’d bey on Tyrion to outlast Dany.

-Arya and Gendry meet as she asks about the weapon he is making her, but he is also busy with a buncha arrow/spear/knife things. She starts asking about the dead and what they smell like, and how they act, and Gendry is like, ehhhhh, I don’t know if you want those problems. He tries to persuade her to go down in the crypt, where it is safer, which I’m not exactly sure is true. Because really, where is safe from a walking army numbering like, I don’t know, thousands at this point? Oh, wait, and did we mention they were zombies? Not bitch-ass Walking Dead zombies, either. Zombies that can do stuff. Anyway, Arya says she is fighting, and throws three daggers with stunning accuracy, and she tells Gendry that she has also seen death. If you were paying attention, you know what was going to go down later between these two. Arya walked in and they might as well just blew a fan in Gendry’s face with “Halo” playing in the background.

-Bran was at the Tree with the Faces, and Jaime tries to apologize, but Bran was like, you weren’t then…..thanks, tips, of course he wasn’t sorry then. I think Jaime is sorry now, but he would 100% do it again. But Bran is also like, had you not done that, I’d still be Brandon Stark and Jaime is like, fuck is you talking about, who are you then? He sees just how weird Bran is now. I’ve kinda had it with this kid. Just tell me what the hell you see, what you want and what you want us to do.

-Jaime and Tyrion meet up and get spat at by some Northeners, which is fair because the Lannisters, well, the Lannisters. We did get confirmation from Jaime that Cersei is pregnant, which I believe a little bit more, because she has to give something to the Night King to keep him from killing her, unless she becomes Mrs. Night King, and that is a spinoff I’d watch. Also, I’m here for any scenes with Peter Dinklage and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. They are way up there on the list of acting duos I love watching in this show. Jaime walks about Brienne and Podrick, who can fight now, enough to teach other people. Sure. Jaime tells Brienne that he would be honored to fight under her, and goddammit, I can’t shake the feeling that Jaime is going to revert back to form and screw her over.

-Dany welcomes Jorah Friendzone into her chambers, and he actually rides for Tyrion staying on as the Hand. He is pulling out ALL the stops at this point now. Even Dany is like, that’s the job you should have, and you’re STILL advising me to keep him? Maybe he is just a really good guy who wants the best for Dany, and wants to see her flourish.

-Or maybe not, and he is gon’ get these jokes for the next, however long he lives, which won’t be long.

-Dany visits Sansa, and the two have a hashing-out of their issues. Sansa is like, you love my brother and you’re gon’ manipulate him. Dany is like, yeah, I roll with him, but I’m the one here bringing dragons to fight wars that I don’t have to, so who is being manipulated, which is so manipulative of Dany, I actually respect it. So they come to some sort of agreement on that, but Sansa is like, so hey, say we beat the dead and then manage to beat Cersei, then what? What about the North? WHAT ABOUT THE NORF NORF, DANY? Dany is like, well, I’ma be on the Iron Throne, and that’s basically all I got so far. Neither of them are amused. I’m lowkey having a ball because I would have never expected this from Sansa in Season 1, shoot, Season 2, hell, Season 5. She has come so far, to be so meek after everything that has happened to her (and make no mistake, no one in this show has suffered more than Sansa). She looked Dany in her eyes and mouth and was like, so you gon’ do right by us or what? But Dany gets saved by Reeky Theon and his bitch ass, bending the knee, wanting to fight, he gets a hug from Sansa and Dany is looking around like, am I going crazy or did this just happen?

-Fuck Theon Greyjoy, his family, his house and everyone that loves him.

-Davos is giving out soup and life advice, telling people that say they can’t fight, that they’re gon’ fight. Gilly shows up, or at least, makes an appearance because she has been at Winterfell since Sam got there, I think. A little girl wants to fight, and I think she has greyscale or she was burned, but Gilly is like, yeah, why don’t you go down to the crypts, little mama. It was cute. And again, if you can lift a weapon, shit, let’s go. Edd and Tormund and the squad return from the Last Hearth, and I don’t know if they have Uber VIP or what, but they got around the White Walkers QUICK. And you know what? I’m here for it. I haven’t given a damn about how much time has passed from episode to episode and I’ll be damned if I start caring now. Oh, and Tormund asks if the big woman was still here, which set up his objective for this episode.

-There is a big war meeting party with like, EVERYONE, tryna figure out what to do about the Night King. Bran says that he’ll come for him, and he’ll wait for him out by the Tree with the Faces. Theon says he’ll protect him and I hope the Night King tosses that mufucka up in the air like pizza dough and goes into a backbreaker. Also, Bran doesn’t even know if dragonfire stops the Night King because no one has ever tried, which is encouraging. Imagine if they trot the two dragons out and, providing they get past their dead brother, the Night King Mutumbos their fire the fuck outta here. Then they roll through Winterfell, through to King’s Landing and the last episode is just the Night King doing his taxes. I’m here for that.

-Man……I tried to like it. But it was by this point where I was done with the whole Tormund-Brienne thing. When he said, we’re all going to die, but then looks at Brienne and is like, at least we’re together, I rolled my eyes down the mufuckin’ street. Like, at least let’s be witty about this. No? Okay then. Also, because of this, I learned what “shipping” is in regards to television shows and that’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard this decade.

-Finally, Tyrion says to Bran, what is your deal? We ain’t got nothing but time and I need to hear this because dude, you’re weird. But the more information Tyrion gathers, the more he can use to figure out some sort of plan for the war. Smart.

-Missandei and Grey Worm make an appearance, and Grey Worm is like, yo, we’re going to fight this war, and then we’re getting the hell outta here because frankly, these white people don’t fuck with us like that. That little girl looked at Missandei like she wasn’t the poor one with dirt on her face. Fuck them kids, b. Grey Worm is like, we’ll protect your peaceful people, we can go where it’s warm, it’ll be great. But I’m not surprised by the racism. The writers for this show want to do a show on “what if the South had won the Civil War?”. So yeah, I’ll finish watching this show and then throw Weiss and Benioff in the bushes for eternity. Idiots.

-There is a theory that Missandei isn’t who she says she is. I’m not going to explain it, but it’s not that far off at all. I don’t wanna believe it, but I’m also here for chaos. Maybe I’ll explain next week, or ask me about it, because I know me and I’ll absolutely forget.

-ANYWAY, the fellas have a Night’s Watch reunion and Sam is like, I’ll fight, I was the first to kill a wight. If I’m not mistaken, he was the first one to even see one, hiding behind that rock while the White Walkers just walked past him. But he’ll be needed in the crypt or wherever people are going to be safe.

-More Tyrion and Jaime, and Jaime, if I’m not mistaken, says out loud for the first time that he was sleeping with his sister. And he said it to his brother, which I find even more funny. Brienne and Pod join them, followed by Tormund and Davos. And then Tormund tells a story about killing a giant when he was 10, then climbed into bed with the giant’s wife, and ended up breastfeeding for three months. I’m not going to devote too much time to this, I don’t feel like they have executed the plot well. But it was a fun scene, showed everyone having a bit of fun before everyone dies in the next 2-3 episodes. I’m not pressed about it, though. Gotta kill time somewhere.

-Arya meets up with the Hound and I feel like, if they survive the war, they’re going to end up killing each other. Beric Dondarrion shows up and Arya is like, I’m out. She has better things to do, like get her weapon from Gendry, which is like, a shorter version of Donatello’s staff with a blade on the end. Then Arya is like, have you had the secks before and how many times and you wanna know what, I wanna do it, let’s do it. And they did it. I do respect that she did it on her own terms, which is very different from most of the female characters in this show. I gloss over the sex parts in this show because one, there has been a lot of it, two, I just wanna see mufuckas get to fighting, and three, the internet is a thing and we can see all of these, literally, whenever we want. Also, people don’t know how to act when it comes to sex and end up saying some fuck shit, and I don’t have time for that.

-This was the best part of the episode. Tyrion points out that everyone in the room has fought the Starks and here they are, fighting for Winterfell. Brienne says some shit about fighting with honor, and Tormund is perplexed that Brienne isn’t a knight yet, and that if he were king, he would knight her 10 times over because apparently the writers are 12 years old. But he does bring up a good point: why shouldn’t Brienne be a knight? Because she is a woman? In his words, fuck traditions. Brienne is probably one of the top 3-5 warriors outchea in these Westeros streets. So Jaime, who is a knight, although you’d think that they would have taken it away for any number of reasons, knights her. She cries, and I might have a little. She deserves that shit. But also, she is going to die.

-Jorah is talking to Lyanna Mormont, saying that she should go down to the crypts, but forgive him, Lord Friendzone is new and does NOT know how Lyanna gets down. After she kyboshed the shit out of that plan, Sam gives Jorah his family sword, Heartsbane, because his father, Jeor, helped out Sam a lot in the Night’s Watch. Also, Jorah needs to fight and I’m pretty sure Sam was like, I can’t lift this thing.

-Pod sings a song for the crew, it’s called “Jenny and the Oldstones”, which they mentioned in the books. We get a montage of everyone getting ready, Grey Worm and Missandei, Sansa and Theon, a buncha people. Stuff and things. And then Dany goes down to the crypts, where Jon is standing by Lyanna Stark’s statue or tomb or whatever you want to call it. Dany is like, hey, I’ve heard about her and Jon is like, oh, you don’t know the truth truth? Your brother didn’t rape her, they loved each other, Lyanna gave their bastard child to Ned, oh, and that bastard child is me. SURPRISE!

-It is telling that Dany’s first reaction was like, so, if this shit is true, it is actually you who has the claim to the Iron Throne, and you can see the fury in her eyes. And she should be mad. She has worked so hard to get to this point, just to think that it could all be for naught? That being said, Jon doesn’t even want the Iron Throne. He didn’t even want to be the King of the North. He didn’t want to be the leader of the Night’s Watch. Jon is like, what can I do that has the least amount of responsibility and where y’all will stop promoting me in these jobs? But I feel like the Mad King side of Dany is going to come out and she’s gon’ do something stupid. We’ve seen her angry side many times before. Just harness that shit until after this war thing is over, and then y’all can come out with a plan. I don’t even know why Jon told her, like, right now. I mean, tell her eventually, but right now, minds need to be focused.

-Oh, and finally, the Night King and his well-coiffed crew of soldiers roll up to Winterfell. Them mufuckas got fresh perms to destroy and absorb souls with. All of ’em look like they could be in a DJ Quik video from the mid-to-late ’90s.

-No Cersei or Euron this week, I feel like we’ll start with them, or Cersei, at least. Just a quick check-in. And I’m still waiting for Melisandre, since Gendry told Arya about the leeches and the royal blood and such.

And that was that. I do get that they had to make this a lighter episode with all of the destruction that is on the horizon. And it was fine. I think the Brienne/Tormund shit was really heavy-handed, but people like it, I guess. Which is funny because I didn’t mind it in real time. But on the rewatch, yeah, NOT GREAT, BOB (I had to use it again, I misused it last week. Shouts to Mad Men).

Anyway, the good stuff kicks off next week. The next four episodes are between 78 and 82 minutes, and I’m prepared to be mentally exhausted by the end of it. Miguel Sapochink will be directing this and the fifth episode. If you didn’t know, he also directed “Hardhome“, aka the White Walker Massacre, and “The Battle of The Bastards“. He also did “The Winds Of Winter“, where Cersei was outchea blowing up churches. So needless to say, he does violence very well.

Game Of Thrones S07E7 – The Dragon And The Wolf

Well, here we are, the seventh-season finale for Game Of Thrones, a season in which people had problems with some things. I guess. I got everything I needed to see from a show about dragons and white walkers and things that don’t exist. Anyway, let’s go, because a lot of shit happened and I gotta go to work.

-The episode opens with Grey Worm and the Unsullied standing in King’s Landing, and I don’t know when or how they got from Casterly Rock, but they’re there and that’s fine. The plot needs to move along and goddammit, we don’t have time. Jaime and Bronn make a couple dick jokes, as they’re wont to do around here, and on the low, Bronn is a solid MVP candidate for this season. He’s not the MVP, even though he might have had the single-best episode of anyone of this season, but still, props to him. He got one-liners AND he can fight. Meanwhile, Tyrion, Jon and company are rollin’ up to King’s Landing, and once they get there, it’s reunion city up in here. Tyrion and Pod, Brienne and the Hound (whom she tells Arya is still alive and I swear that dude caught at least two feelings), Tyrion and Bronn, who saw each other at the Jaime/Tyrion meeting, but they didn’t have time to talk. Tyrion tries to bribe Bronn, offering to double his pay as he did in the past and Bronn says he’s doing fine, but trust, Bronn would DEFINITELY betray anyone for money.

-They get to the Dragonpit, which just looks like somewhere that an ambush could happen, and Bronn tells Pod to come get a drink with him to let the fancy people talk. Cersei rolls up with Jaime, FrankenMountain, Qyburn and the squad, and instantly, the Hound walks to FrankenMountain and is like, fuck happened to you, homie? He also says that it won’t end like this for his brother, that he has always known how it ends for him, or some kinda indirect shit……basically, they gotta fight. I’m happy that it didn’t happen here, though, there is time for that down the line. Right now, we gotta get this round table of kings and queens and lords and shit. Cersei asks Tyrion where Dany is and he’s like, she’ll be here. And here she comes, swooping in on Drogon, who gives no semblance of fucks about the walls on the Dragonpit and if you don’t think that Cersei didn’t have that in mind when she chose this meeting place….it’s literally where the dragons died. But Dany doesn’t care and Drogon cares even less, just chillin’ like, hi guys, I will fuck your whole lives up with one word. But Cersei, being Queen Petty is like, bitch, you’re late, we got a schedule to maintain. She doesn’t move, doesn’t blink, nothing. Can’t be outchea showing fear. Now, EVERYONE is here outside of the Stark sisters and Bran, and that’s pretty damn awesome. Seven seasons deep and this is the first time that the likes of Cersei, Dany, Jon, Tyrion, Jaime, the Hound, Jorah, all these characters that we’ve been watching for so long, are all together.

-Then out of nowhere, Euron starts threatening Theon, talkin’ about I’ma kill your sister and then he goes at Tyrion and Cersei is like, if you don’t sit the fuck down, literally no one cares about this fuck-ass storyline, grown folks are tryna talk. I don’t get the Euron love, but I do know I’ll be mad when Theon kills him (which I’ll get to in a bit) and not Jaime. Jaime deserves it. Anyway, Jon tells Cersei about the Night King and the Army of the Dead and all this, and Cersei is like, man, I don’t care about all that, I still don’t even think you know what you’re talkin’ about. The Hound walks up with a backpack full of wight, lets him out and the chain is just long enough so that it’s right in front of Cersei’s face, and she finally flinches, not as much as a buncha other people, though. They kill it and Jon explains that they can kill it with dragonglass and fire, while Qyburn struggles to manage his hard-on at this biological and mythical, um, miracle, I guess you could call it. Anyway, he’s psyched. Jon finally gets to talk about the Great War and all that shit, and Euron is like, this shit is crazy, y’all can have it, they don’t swim, so I’ma take my ships and I’ll be chillin’ on this island until this is over. He leaves and Cersei is like, aight, we can do this, but Jon has to bend the knee and Jon is like, I’m already down with Dany, so Cersei is like, well, fuck off then and leaves. Brienne tries to talk to Jaime to get him to talk to Cersei, and she’s right, this isn’t about houses or any of that right now. Jaime is like, Jesus Christ, do you even know how crazy my sister is? YOU try and tell her that.

-Everyone is like, we’re happy that you’re down with Dany, Jon, but for the love of God, you can’t lie? Of course Jon can’t, but he’s a Stark……right? Anyway, Tyrion says that he’ll fix it……but he needs to talk to Cersei alone and everyone is like, ehhhhhh, I don’t know if that’s a good idea. There is literally a bounty on his head. So he goes to meet her, stops to talk to Jaime for a minute to both be like, yeah, our sister is fucking nuts, and then, led into her chambers by FrankenMountain. And here, we have, by far, the best scene of the episode because Peter Dinklage and Lena Headey remind you that they’re REALLY FUCKING GOOD at acting. The back-and-forth between them was incredible, with Tyrion admitting to everything he did, Cersei sneering, but not over how she missed her father, but how he left their family open to attack. The one time she showed humanity was over Tommen and Myrcella, which she blamed on Tyrion and it wasn’t his fault, and he’s like, fine, do what you gotta, but I loved those kids and you know it. Tyrion sent Myrella away to keep her safe, and Oberyn was the one who got her kid. Tyrion also knew that Tommen was just not built for this, and that’s on Cersei. Tyrion says to her that he’s thought of killing her more times that he can count, and I’ll never not laugh when he says it. He orders that she tell the Mountain to kill him, and I knew that she wouldn’t. Then, he downs a glass of wine, gets one for her and now they can talk rationally because they love booze. Cersei admits what we all know: that she doesn’t give one-third of an iota of a damn about making the world a better place, just about who is in her circle and Tyrion figures out that she is pregnant. That’ll be important for something that comes up later on. Anyway, neither of these two have really been able to stretch out their acting muscles this season on a regular basis. I don’t give a damn. Emmys for everyone based on this scene. EVERYONE.

-Back at the pit, Dany and Jon talk about how they need Cersei to agree to this plan and voila, here she is with Tyrion, agreeing to the plan. A couple things here: the sexual tension between Dany and Jon, I mean, we all knew what was coming later on, right? They practically got you ready for it. But more importantly, here is where you (and I, and I didn’t) should have been like, hmmmm, I wonder what Tyrion said to Cersei to get her to change her mind? Things are starting to get a little screwy. You think Cersei is just gon’ start being nice to mufuckas? I feel stupid.

-Alright, over in Winterfell, Littlefinger is doing his damndest to persuade Sansa that Arya wants her dead. Sansa also isn’t happy about Jon bending the knee to Dany, and Littlefinger is like, well, how about this…..well, we don’t hear him say it, but we’ll see what happened in a minute.

-Back at the war room for Team Snowgaryen, Jon thinks he and Dany should go to the North together to show that they’re together and Lord Friendzone Jorah tries to step in hard on that interception, saying that she should go up by herself. He’ll never stop trying to get her. I wonder what he’ll try next season. But she says she’ll sail up with Jon, and it’s goin’ down. Jon leaves and Theon catches up to him, and long story short, Jon forgives him on some bullshit, he runs down to his people, says some shit about “FOR YARA” and they’re like, if you don’t run the fuck on somewhere. He then proceeds to get the shit beat out of him by big dude, who says that he’ll kill him if he doesn’t stay down. Oh, NOW he gets some courage and keeps getting up. Big dude knees him in the non-existent nuts and for whatever reason, that hulks Theon up like, I AIN’T EVEN GOT NUTS, and he turns the tables and beats big dude to death, even though it doesn’t look like his punches hurt half as much as big dude. Anyway, the Ironborn get behind him, they’re going to get Yara or something and I wanted to stop watching because fuck Theon, fuck his story, fuck every single person that loves him and I’ll be so mad when he kills Euron. That shit should have better odds than prime Tiger Woods at the Masters. It’s happening, more than any other thing that it is set to happen in this show. I WANT DROGON TO EAT HIS LIFE.

-Alright, I feel a bit better.

-Back to Winterfell, Sansa calls Arya into a room of soldiers and starts talkin’ about murder and treason……but she accuses Littlefinger of it and booooooooooyyyyy, does he ever get to stammering. He starts coppin’ every plea in the book and all I needed was to see Arya take a big ol’ sip of a glass of tea while Sansa is like, you killed my aunt, you wanted to have her husband killed, you started the whole Lannister-Stark beef, you got my father killed and they didn’t get to him tryna kill Bran, which I don’t know if they know, although you’d figure that Ol’ Three Eyed Raven Face over there would know. Bran is like, yo, you held a knife to our father’s throat and said I told you not to trust me and Littlefinger is like HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL OF THESE THINGS, B. Arya also says that he told her mother that the dagger was Tyrion’s and really it was his and that’s when he’s like, yo, Knights, y’all gotta get me outta here and they’re like, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP I DON’T THINK SO, TIM, and anyway, Arya kills him with the dagger like we all hoped she would. The internet partied. Littlefinger had a good run, he really shouldn’t have lasted this long. Someone pointed it out on the internet, I really need to start liking these tweets and remembering, but they said that Littlefinger got cocky and should have gotten the fuck outta dodge when Bran hit him with the “Chaos is a ladder” joint. The ONLY person that would know about that is Varys. Nah, bruh, you gotta get outta there, ASAPtually. Anyway, peace to Littlefinger. It was fun. And shouts to Sansa for catching on. I knew she wasn’t that stupid. She’s smarter than you think. She’s not brilliant or anything, but she does enough to stay alive.

-Cersei and Jaime meet up as he is readying the troops for this Up North Trip (shouts to Mobb Deep, RIP Prodigy) and she tells him nah, in the illustrious words of the South Central Mozambiquean poet, Kendrick Lamar, FUCK YO TRUCE, and all this shit was a set-up. Euron is going to get the Golden Company, she’s gon’ let Dany and Jon think she has their back, something happened to the dragons because there was three and now there is two, so she’s gon’ figure that out with all these mercenaries. Jaime is like, did you NOT just see what the fuck I seen? Between the wight and the dragons and the Dothraki and the Unsullied and the North and all that shit, you STILL wanna do this? But even Jaime, yes, Jaime, underestimated the pettiness and insanity of his sisterbabymama. Cersei is going down fighting, regardless, and would you put it past her to try and become the damn Night Queen if that means staying alive? Shit, at this point, I would put that at like, +800 (which are decent odds). Jaime is like, fuck it, I’m going north and FrankenMountain gets in the way. Here is where I thought it was going down. I was more afraid of Jaime dying than Tyrion, and I don’t mean afraid in that I care about Jaime living or dying, but that she’d actually do it, which she didn’t. Those two dying at the hands of each other has to be like, +400. Jaime leaves by himself, puts a glove on his gold hand like it’s gon’ get cold or something, feels the snow falling like, the fuck is this winter shit (I imagine this is what people in Los Angeles or something would feel like if they saw snow) and headed north.

-Sam gets to Winterfell with Gilly and, um, I think his name is Sam Jr, Lil’ Sam? Tim? Anyway, the baby (I can never remember his name). He meets Bran, who you’d think would know he was coming, but whatever, Sam asks him what happened to him beyond the Wall and Bran is like, I became the Three Eyed Raven. Sam hits that Sansa line and is like, I don’t know what that means. Bran explains that he can see all of the things, past and present, all of the time, but then he asks Sam what he wants and I’d be like, I THOUGHT YOU KNEW EVERYTHING, B. Sam says that Jon is the one to lead the fight against the Army of the Dead, but he can’t do it alone. Bran is like, he’s on his way back with Daenerys Targaryen, and Sam is like, vision? And Bran is like, nah, raven, dogg. Then Bran spills all the tea on Jon, that he is the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark, and Sam is like, yooooooooooooo, I stole this diary and I read that Rhaegar’s first marriage was annulled and he actually married Lyanna, so Jon is actually a trueborn Targaryen, which means he is the heir to the Iron Throne. And I bet Sam will have to be the one to tell Jon because Sam always has to tell Jon some bad news.

-So now, we get to incest time, and they brood, and they look at each other longingly, and they smash. Which sparked an international conversation about how much incest is too much incest, and if they didn’t know it was incest, is it REALLY incest? The answer is, man, this show was built on incest and the entire Targaryen empire was built on incest, so you know wanna know what? Let them cook. Send Jaime back to King’s Landing and let’s have a tag-team incest match between Dany and Jon (or whatever his real name is, I’m calling him Jon for the rest of the show, so whatever), and Jaime and Cersei. And I still think Tyrion is a Targaryen somehow, someway, until they prove that he is not, and then it’s a handicap match. I didn’t even mean that, that actually wrote itself. But I stand behind it.

-So now, we have Tyrion, who sees Jon go inside and he’s like, awwwww man…..this is bad. Now, this could go a couple ways. I initially thought that it was because, it’s just a bad time for all this, incest or not…..gotta stay focus on the task at hand. But then my girl sent me this Huffington Post article (thanks, lovey) because she asked me why Tyrion cared that Cersei was pregnant, because really, he shouldn’t give a damn. I don’t even think that she is, 100%, but since Maury can’t make an appearance, we’ll just have to trust Cersei, which sounds really fucking stupid, but here we are. Did Tyrion get soft and cut a deal with Cersei to betray Dany? And then there is the whole matter of Tyrion mentioning shit to Dany about having an heir to the throne, since she said she can’t have kids. Anyway, it’s a very interesting article. Quite frankly, I don’t really read many articles on Game Of Thrones just because people pick it apart and it’s all too damn much when really, it’s just a television show. But it’s worth a click.

-Arya and Sansa stand on top of a wall and they’re cool now, and they miss their father. Good for them. I think I’d care more if they got all the Theon time. Yes, I definitely would.

-Bran is out by the tree, wargin’ away the time, and he sends the ravens to the Wall, where Tormund and Beric are there, when they notice the Army of the Dead coming out of the trees. And that’s when I’m like, LOOK UP, MUFUCKAS, LOOK UP, YOU KNOW WHAT’S COMING. The Night King rolls up with Viserion and starts wreckin’ shop, shooting some sort of blue flame at the Wall and he brought that mufucka down like it was made of Lego. I’m sure Beric and Tormund survived somehow, but that shit ain’t important because the spectacle of Viserion just flapping there, breathing fire with all of his might until the Wall came down, man, if that didn’t move your soul to a different place, then we ain’t built the same and that’s completely fine. Anyway, they’re coming now, and they got two years to get there, so they should be at Winterfell by then.

-Season 7 MVP (Character) – The Night King. HE HAS A FUCKING ZOMBIE DRAGON. WHAT ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT?

-Season 7 MVP (Actor/Actress) – Lena Headey, for the scene here and the joint where she locked Ellaria and her daughter up. Cersei is a goddamn maniac.

Well, that was fun. And sometimes, that’s all that needs to be had. Mufuckas was outchea making Game Of Thrones The Walking Dead. Nah. Not tryna hear it, especially in a fantasy show. And we wouldn’t even be in this position if homeboy had gotten the books done, maybe. But I don’t even care. It’s still the heavyweight champion of television and dammit, I was entertained. I’ll be shallow, but I’ll be entertained.

Anyway, I could probably add another 1,000 words, but I gotta get to work. Maybe I’ll update or write another post at some point. Shit, we got like, two years until it comes back, so I have plenty of time. They shouldn’t even tell us when it drops, just drop Season 8 in the middle of the night like a Beyonce album and see how many mufuckas call in to work that day, Thanks for rockin’ with me, shouts to Pat for being my editor and yeah……we’ll do this again in 2019 (although I might do something for American Horror Story, depending on work life).

Game Of Thrones S07E03 – The Queen’s Justice

After “The Queen’s Justice”, I’m already getting ready to be mad at Game Of Thrones. There will be no justice for the one that deserves it the most, which goes against everything this show is about. Also, kinda upset about the lack of torture, and I think that makes me a terrible person. Let’s go…..

-Dragonstone is the obvious place to start. Dany and Jon meet, Missandei goes through all 83 of Dany’s names and Davos is like, aye, this is Jon, King of the North….yeah, that’s it. Jon won’t bend the knee, Dany tells him not to think of her like her father, yet a little bit of the Mad King comes out with each word and I wish she would just embrace the insanity. Jon tries to tell them about the Army of the Dead and everyone thinks he’s crazy, except Tyrion because he knows Jon a little and knows he wouldn’t lie about something as crazy as this. Davos tries to pipe up and tell Dany that Jon united the wildlings and the the Wall to fight the White Walkers, and almost tells them about the whole “knife to the heart and coming back to life” and Jon is like, YO, CHILL, THEY AIN’T NEED TO KNOW THAT RIGHT NOW. Long story short is that all this shit is moot when the Walkers come, but since they’re both being stubborn, Dany sends Jon and Davos to their quarters and says that they’re not her prisoners…..not yet. She also gets word from Varys that Euron jacked Yara and company, so they’ll figure out the Jon shit later.

-Jon and Tyrion meet up and again, Tyrion says he believes Jon, along with Jeor Mormont (Jorah’s father, ex-Commander of the Night’s Watch) as they’ve both claimed to have seen the White Walkers. Tyrion also wants Jon to know that he wants to help, but he needs to know what he can actually do because Dany ain’t tryna hear about this White Walker thing right now. He then goes to Dany and is like, yo, you give him the dragonglass underneath Dragonstone because seriously, you’re not using it, so it’s useless to you. Jon, in turn, is an ally in this Cersei/Euron thing that is about to go down. Everyone is happy. Dany said it best early in the episode when Jon said that Tyrion likes to talk, and she says that everyone likes what they’re good at. No one on the show is better at talking than Tyrion…..one person comes close, but we’ll sadly get to her in a bit.

-Jon meets Dany and the two come to an agreement that she’ll let him mine the dragonglass, with men and equipment. Jon doesn’t say that he’ll help against Cersei, but he doesn’t say that he doesn’t, so I guess that’s an agreement? Jon asks Dany if she believes him about the White Walkers and shit, and Dany’s like, sure, fine, get to work, we’ll talk about ya little ghosts and shit later.

-Theon’s fuck ass gets rescued by a boat. They could have let him drown. They should have let him drown. They ask him what happened to Yara, and ask why he is still alive if he tried to help her, WHICH HE DIDN’T. He’s trash. Pure and utter trash. Fuck his PTSD. Fuck his castration. Fuck him. And they’re setting him up for this big, stupid redemption that he doesn’t deserve one little bit. He might be my most hated character in the history of the show, and that’s more than Joffrey and Ramsay. He’s the worst.

-We’ll go back to Dragonstone in a bit, but next, it’s off to the Citadel, where the Archmaester figures out that Sam treated Lord Friendzone and he’s all good to go now. Jorah thanks Sam and says that he hopes their paths cross again, which they obviously will, likely in Dragonstone. But Sam gets no love from the Archmaester, who orders him to make copies of these dirty-ass manuscripts, and he’s lucky he ain’t get fired. But Sam is smart and he’ll find something in those manuscripts. Something other than AIDS or the ‘scale. You could smell the stank comin’ off ’em through the screen.

-On to Winterfell, where Sansa realizes that they don’t have enough food for the winter. Littlefinger then goes on this little rant about fighting everyone and everything, not just Cersei. Jon gotta get back there or Winterfell will be ashes in Littlefinger’s pocket by the time he is done. However, they’re interrupted by someone telling Sansa that Bran is there. Bran is stone-faced as Sansa cries, and they head out to the Godswood Tree (I had no idea it had a name, I always called it the Face Tree). Anyway, Bran is all, “I’m The Three-Eyed Raven” and Sansa is all, I’ve no clue what the hell that means, and she wants him to explain it, but rightfully, Bran says it’s complicated and he doesn’t have time to be a Lord of anything. Then he says that he’s sorry about what happened to her, which is what happened on her wedding night with Ramsay, and Sansa is like, the fuck did you know about that, and runs off. Bran is a very strange little boy/young man/I’ve no idea how old he is anymore. Somewhere between 14 and 72. I can’t wait for him to drop the Jon/Dany bomb, that shit’s about to be SO GOOD.

-At King’s Landing, Euron leads Yara, Ellaria and Tyene through the streets, where they get the treament Cersei did on her Walk of Atonement. He takes his gift to Cersei, who in return makes him the Commander of the navy, while Jaime is the Commander of the army. Euron gets a couple bars off about needing tips from Jaime about how to have sex with Cersei, and Jaime says he should get his head out on a spike, but Euron says they’ll deal with each other later, which will be fun.

-Cersei is in a cell with Qyburn, FrankenMountain, Ellaria and Tyene, and Cersei goes on about Oberyn’s death, which she rightfully says would have been a win for him if he wasn’t tryna prematurely party. Then she goes on about Ellaria murdering Myrcella, and tries to figure out how she’s going to kill them. She could have FrankenMountain crush their skulls, but that would be too quick and easy. So instead, she kisses Tyene with the same poison that Ellaria killed Myrcella with, and she has to watch her daughter turn to bone and dust. She also says that they’ll force food down her throat so she doesn’t try to starve herself to death. That’s pretty awful…..but I was waiting for torture because Game Of Thrones has conditioned me to be an awful person. But hey, life goes on. Either way, it’s still pretty bad.

-Cersei and Jaime have the sex, because that’s what they do, dirtyin’ sheets and shit. Then Cersei meets up with Tycho, someone from the Iron Bank. Long story short, Cersei gets the Iron Bank (to whom the Lannisters already owe a grip to) to back her over Dany, who has killed the slave trade, which is one of their biggest revenue streams. Very Tywin-esque of Cersei and Tycho says as much. Cersei is becoming a little too smart. She’s gon’ die soon.

-OH, almost forgot about Varys and Melisandre, who tells Varys that she and Jon didn’t exactly leave on good terms. Varys says that he doesn’t think that she should come back to Westeros, but Melisandre says she’ll be back, she has to die there, as does Varys. Ominous and all, but a lot happened in this episode and I don’t have time to unpack all that.

-Quickly, back to Dragonstone, where Tyrion is plotting out how they’re gon’ take Casterly Rock. The place will be well-guarded, but the best way to go through is via the sewers, where Tyrion had to sneak in prostitutes past his father. And the plan works as the Unsullied go in and wreck shop, led by Grey Worm……but he’s like, where are the rest of the Lannisters? There should be many more…..

-…..Jaime wound up taking the squad to Highgarden, where they rolled over the Tyrells easily enough. Meanwhile, Euron and his people were firing all sorts of arrows and fire at the Targaryen ships that brought Grey Worm and ’em. Sucks about Grey Worm. Life got too good for my man with Missandei. He gotta die now.

-Jaime walks in on Lady O, who knows the end is coming. He learned from his loss to Robb Stark at the Whispering Wood, and that Casterly Rock doesn’t really mean that much anymore, outside of childhood memories. Lady O does get a couple bars off tho, managing to call Joffrey a cunt and a coward all at once, and she tells Jaime that Cersei is a monster, but she also realizes that he actually does love her, incest and all. She says that Cersei will be the end of him, and Jaime is like, fuck all this, I got this poison for you to drink so Cersei doesn’t torture you. She drinks it, but before he leaves, Lady O tells Jaime that it was her that killed Joffrey, that she had never seen the poison work before, and that it wasn’t Tyrion’s fault at all. She hit him with the, “and I want Cersei to know that it was me”…….OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH. I stood and clapped up in that mufucka. The Queen of Thorns stays with those quips. I’ma miss Lady O. Pound-for-pound, one of the best characters in the show.

Well, here we are. The next episode will be the halfway point, and Dany now needs to make a move because she’s getting worked. I think she realizes that, she’s been listening to everyone else and now, she’s doing what she want because motherfucker, she has dragons. We’ll probably check in on Arya, who should be close to Winterfell now, but she could also run into The Hound. Bran will probably say something creepy again. Cersei will be drinking wine and being nefarious. And Grey Worm gotta get his people outta Casterly Rock. I read somewhere that Game Of Thrones officially hit the gas with this episode. They were right. Let’s do this.

Game Of Thrones S07E2 – Stormborn

Game Of Thrones rolls on with “Stormborn”, which doesn’t waste any time getting right into the story. They don’t have much time left, and there are no wasted scenes like Dany’s three-day walk up to her long-ass Dragonstone driveway. Let’s go…..

-Dany is in the war room with Tyrion and Varys, and they’re talking about how she was born, hence the title of the episode. Tyrion is tryna talk her out of burning the shit outta Cersei, which would be entertaining and all, but not the smartest of moves, which is why he is the Hand. Dany is like, fine, whatever, so, Varys, what’s good with that assassins you sent for me? But to his credit, Varys doesn’t back down from the Dragon Queen and says that he switched sides with everyone else because they were incompetent, and that he is penis-less and straight out the ‘hood, G. He’s for the people and that she’s the last real one alive, but if she just wants blind loyalty from her, she might as well kill him. Dany’s like, okay, you get a shot and you gotta be real with me, because if you don’t, BBQ bird will be on the menu (no penis intended). Varys says that he would expect nothing less. So, I hope we all know and realize that Dany is crazy, yeah? There is this whole thing surrounding Dany that she is the savior of the show and one of the protagonists along with Jon, and sure, she might be. But I hope we all know and realize that if you sideeye her, she’ll set your family and soul on the reddest of fires.

-Speaking of fires, Melisandre the Catfish shows up to tell Dany that she might be The Prince That Was Promised, which comes from the Lord of Light. At this point, I’m not sure I’d trust Melisandre because she stays being wrong about shit. First, it was Stannis, who I STILL think is alive somehow. Then it was Jon, who she brought back to life, I guess, and now it might be Dany. Melisandre tells Dany that she should talk to Jon because he’s the King in the North now and has the Wildlings as well, and Tyrion is like, cool, Jon and I hung out at the Wall, he’s good people. Dany is like, sure, I’ll holla at him, but he better come in knee bent….or again, surely, fire and tyranny. Which I wouldn’t really be mad at. Dany is on her kiss-the-ring shit and this shit should have been done two seasons ago.

-Next, the war plan is set with Yara and Ellaria wanting to go in on King’s Landing, and Tyrion goes at Ellaria for poisoning Ellaria, while she’s like, bitch, my man died for your punk ass, sit down somewhere. Dany shuts shit down and tells Ellaria to respect her Hand, and we ain’t gotta deal with this now. Lady O steps in to ask Dany sarcastically if she’s gon’ take the throne politely, and that Cersei got it by blowing everyone up, including Margaery. Tyrion then comes up with a plan, which means the Tyrell army and the Dornish army going into King’s Landing because the Unsullied and Dothraki would bring together all the armies of Westeros, because racism (and he’s right). So, while they’re doing that, the Unsullied and ’em would take over Casterly Rock, which means Cersei would have nowhere to retreat to after King’s Landing was invaded. Yara would take Ellaria back to Dorne to get her people, and then head to King’s Landing. Sure, seems like a good plan. The Casterly Rock bit was especially good because I think that might be the last true place that fucks with the Lannisters, and not just because Cersei is crazy.

-Then there is a dope scene with Dany and Lady O, who basically tells her to stop listening to people and that all this peace shit gotta stop. Be a dragon and burn mufuckas. You don’t have time for all this Kumbaya shit, and that’s the only way that this will work. Again, not wrong. She wasn’t down with sacrificing her army at first, but Lady O knows what’s good.

-Grey Worm tells Missandei that she is his weakness, she gets naked, so does he, and we still don’t know what he has. Did they take the whole package or leave something? Anyway, what he does do is, in the words of the great southwestern Unsullied warriors, he shows her what dat mouf do. Good for him.

-Cersei tries to rally the troops because Dany is coming with the brown people that will rape and pillage their women…..does that sound a little familiar to, well, everyone living in this real world right now? Randyll Tarly, Sam’s pops, asks her what she’s gon’ do about these dragons, tho, and Cersei is all, we’re working on something. Randyll and Jaime talk, and Jaime even tries to give him a promotion to general if House Tarly works with them, but Randyll is still loyal to Lady O. Jaime is like, man, I know my sister is fucking crazy, but compared to Dany, this is the move, and Randyll might have bought it, or at least put on that he did.

-Meanwhile, Qyburn takes Cersei underneath the Red Keep and tells her that dragons can be hurt by spears, so he has come up with a super-crossbow that will fuck Drogon’s whole life up. She then tests it out on Balerion, which was the dragon of Aegon Targaryen, the first Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and the starter of all this Targaryen shit, basically. That shit smashes through the skull so smoothly. Cersei is like, I need my wine so I can get this conniving smirk on.

-Jon gets a letter from Tyrion about Dany, but he and Sansa don’t think he should go now; Davos does, tho. Then he gets a letter from Sam about Dany sitting on ALL of the dragonglass, and that changes his mind about going there. A whole buncha people think it’s a terrible idea, but Jon is like, guess what the White Walkers are….ice, and what hurts ice……DRAGONS, B. Anyway, he’s going because he’s the King and fuck what y’all are on, and Sansa is in charge, so don’t try and pull any substitute-teacher shit.

-Littlefinger meets up with Jon and tells him that Tyrion can be trusted, and that he loved Catelyn and Jon is like, if you don’t get the fuck on. Then he tells Jon that he loves Sansa and Jon grabs him up by the throat, which Littlefinger might have liked because I bet he’s into all that shit. Gettin’ high heels in the small of his back and shit. Anyway, Jon and ’em roll out and he waves to Sansa, meanwhile, if Littlefinger had a moustache, he woulda twirled that shit.

-Arya meets up with the homie Hot Pie, who I had to Google because we ain’t seen him since Season 3. He makes good pies now, and he doesn’t even make Arya pay for it. He also tells her that Cersei blew everyone up in King’s Landing, and that Jon is the King of the North now, so she should probably go there. She does, but then she is surrounded by a pack of wolves, led by Nymeria, who is now big as all shit. She recognizes Arya, which is good for her because Nymeria would have fucked her up. But Nymeria doesn’t wanna go to Winterfell with her and lets her go, to which Arya remarks, “that’s not you”. We’ll see Nymeria again. I promise you that. Basically right when Arya is about to meet her end, I bet.

-Sam and the Archmaester check out Jorah’s greyscale, so it’s good that they didn’t waste any time telling us what 95% of us probably knew. The Archmaester says that he can’t be saved, but he’ll give Jorah one more day because he is, or at least was, a knight. Sam instead says that two cases of greyscale have been treated, but here is the thing: this shit is gon’ HURT. Like, death really might have been better than watching Sam tear the skin right off of Lord Friendzone, and then he puts a little ointment on it. Now, does he have to tear off all of the greyscale, or just a little? Because if it’s all of it, man, fuck all that, just kill me, dogg. I’d never make it. But Jorah gotta stay alive for the woman that he’ll never get, so I guess it’s worth it? Anyway, once he’s done torturing him and he’s better, Sam will tell Jorah that Dany is at Dragonstone with Jon, and they’ll become the next Arya/Hound and Brienne/Pod duo.

-The final scene is the battle, and we all saw that: there was a buncha fighting and shit. Also, Yara and Ellaria start making out, which was kinda unnecessary, I guess, although it did make Theon uncomfortable, and I’m all for him not feeling good in any way, shape or form. Anyway, Euron and his people show up and start kicking all sorts of ass. Two of Ellaria’s daughters are killed by Euron, while the third, along with Ellaria, are taken hostage. That’s cool, because the Sand Snakes were kinda wack. I’m sure they were better in the book because as book readers will tell you, everything is better in the book because books have words on paper and shit. Yara and Euron have a go and Euron wins, and Theon is about to step in. Euron wants him to try and save his sister, and Theon thinks about it for a minute, and then…..well, this tweet says it better than anything I could write.

-Seriously, if you still feel bad for Theon, you’re a sucker. I hope everything in life that is bad happens to him. Like, all that shit that Ramsay did to him? I want that to be a playground compared to what eventually happens to him. Dogg, this was your one chance to redeem yourself. They better not give him any more chances. That was it. Next time we see Theon, he better be on a stick. Ol’ ball-less face ass. I hate that dude.

I think that was everything, I think we’ve seen everyone that needs to be seen now. I think next week is the Battle of Casterly Rock, there was a snippet where some mufuckas were invading something, so I’m guessing it was that. Really, all we need to see now is fighting and scheming. No sexy times, we don’t have time for that and you can see nudity literally any time you want on the internet, and in really gross fashion if you’re into that sort of thing. But let’s see if Cersei can pivot if she loses Casterly Rock, or at least can Jaime can persuade her to not be petty for like, 10 minutes (spoiler: he can’t). Oh, Jon meets Dany next week. She needs to greet him with a “what up, nephew” (I know she doesn’t know yet, either). Oh, and check in with the mufuckas on The Wall. Next week is four minutes long than the first two episodes, so we should be able to squeeze in some extra shit.

Game Of Thrones S06E09 – Battle Of The Bastards

It was the week everyone was waiting for. Game Of Thrones usually gets it poppin’ with Episode 9, up until last year, when that shit was upstaged by the prior episode: the battle at Hardhome. Then the episode title was released and “Battle of the Bastards” was supposed to bring it back. Did it? I’m sure everyone is happy with the result, but I’m not sure on the path they took to get there. Let’s go….

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-Alright, so it’s nice and easy, two locations this week and we’ll obviously start with Meereen, where Dany is lookin’ at Tyrion like a mother who caught her kid having a party while she was out. Dany wants to kill the slavers, but Tyrion suggests some sort of surrender plan, so they set up a meeting with the leaders of Yunkai, Volantis and Astapor. The masters suggest that Dany and Tyrion leave, but they also get the Unsullied and Missandei will go back into slavery and her dragons will be slaughtered. Man, it’s hilarious that all these dudes in this show just think they can roll over Dany, like she ain’t got some big-ass dragons. So she looks at them like, oh that plan just won’t do, this was about your surrender…..and up flies Drogon, big as shit, and Dany rides him off into the sky, and they’re joined by Rhaegal and Viseron. You know Drogon was like, yo, I know moms fucked up by locking you away, and we’ll deal with that later. Right now, we got some thangs to take care of. Meanwhile, Daario and the Dothraki ambush the Sons of the Harpy, who are just killing everything in sight, and the soldiers that were with the masters were like, man, fuck this, and they peaced out with the quickness. So the masters are left, and Grey Worm says that one of them have to die, and two of the masters (Yunkai and Volantis) immediately point to the Astapor homie…..Grey Worm is like, y’all hoes ain’t loyal, and cuts both of their throats. Then Tyrion walks up to Astapor and tells him to go and spread the word that Dany will fuck your whole life up if need be.

Shortly after, Theon and Yara get to Meereen to talk to Dany, and they say that they’ll offer the Iron Fleet if she’ll help them kill Euron, who has to be on, what, ship #17 of 1,000 at this point. They wonder why Theon isn’t leading, and Tyrion makes some cracks from what he knows of what he did at Winterfell, but Theon says that Yara is in charge and Yara tries to lowkey holla at Dany on some “I’m down if you are” type game. I can imagine Tyrion chillin’ with a glass of wine watchin’ and shit. Dany says she will, but the Ironborn can’t rape and pillage anymore and Yara is like, WHAT ELSE ARE WE GON’ DO? But she agrees and Queen Latifah’s “Ladies First” plays in the background. It was a great week for the GOT ladies, which is nice for a change. I’ve always said that women have carried this show, and they dominated this week.

For me, this was the best part of the episode. Why? Dragons, b. Three of ’em. But Dany needs to be gettin’ on the go soon. Get out of Slavers Bay. At least start making your way to the Iron Islands, Westeros in general, really. Just do something. This was very cool and all, but we’ve seen Dany save the day too many times and then not to do anything.

That being said, this was pretty fucking cool.

-Now, to the North, where Jon, Sansa, Tormund and Davos meet up with Ramsay and Smalljon Umber to talk about this battle. Ramsay says he’ll let Jon go for breaking his Night’s Watch vows, which is hilarious because the Night’s Watch is full of criminals and bastards and I don’t know why they follow these vows, but whatever, fine. Oh, and Ramsay wants his wife, Sansa, back. Jon is like, all these people don’t have to die….why don’t we just fight and Ramsay is like, I heard you were good and I’m not about that one-on-one life and my army can beat your half-army. Jon tries to make Ramsay guilty, saying that his men won’t fight for him if Ramsay won’t fight them, and Ramsay really gives no fucks about all that and instead, threatens Rickon, and we’ll get to that fuckboy in a minute. They ask how they can trust that they have him, and Smalljon throws Shaggydog’s head at them. Sansa is like, fuck y’all and you, you’re dying tomorrow, and rides off. So, it’s about to go down. And this was Jon’s first mistake, actin’ like Ramsay has feelings and shit.

Then the crew discuss what they’re up against and their battle plan, and Sansa tells them that they don’t have enough men, but Jon is like, NOAP, this is how we’re doing this. Sansa then gets up in arms because they didn’t ask her what she thought….and she’s right. No one knows Ramsay better than Sansa, for better or for worse, and she could have told Jon that tryna guilt Ramsay wouldn’t work worth a damn. She also points out that he likes to play with people, which we see later on. But Sansa has more on the line than any of these people: if they lose this, she has to go back to Ramsay, and she says she’ll kill herself if that happens. Which is fair; shoutout to Sansa to not killing herself when she was with him.

Next, Davos and Tormund are talking about the wildlings’ battle with Stannis, and they come to the conclusion that they were probably serving the wrong king, but you serve who you serve and that is that. Tormund says he’s going to drink some goat’s milk, while Davos says he’s walking out far enough to take a dump and Tormund tells him, “happy shitting”. Everyone has their pre-battle routines, I guess. Davos gets out to the pyre where Shireen was burned, and he finds the wooden stag that he made for her, because it’s not like it hasn’t snowed a bunch there since then and it hasn’t been windy or whatever, but hey, Davos gotta get pumped up somehow. Then Jon goes to see Melisandre, and he tells her not to bring him back if he dies, and she’s like, bruh, they’re gon’ ask me and I have to try, but it’s up to the Lord of Light. Ain’t that some passin-the-buck shit.

So now, it’s go time. The armies meet up and Ramsay has Rickon tied up, and he tells the youngest Stark that they’re gon’ play a game. The game is for Rickon to run towards Jon, but he has to run, which he does, and Ramsay pulls out his bow. Rickon starts to run towards Jon, and yo……I mean, Rickon, I know you’ve been gone for a while, and you don’t even have to be the next Barry Sanders (NFL running back, shifty as all hell, I know some of y’all won’t get that). But Jesus everlovin’ Christ, can you tuck and roll? Zig-zag just a little? Turn around, see where the arrow is and move? SOMETHING? Dogg, you can’t just run in a straight fuckin’ line and not expect to die. Then on the other side and this was brought up to me by a friend, Jon got off his horse, walked 20 feet, was like, yup, that’s Rickon, then he had to walk all the way back to said horse and then get going…..stay on your fuckin’ horse, bruh. Anyway, they’re running towards each other and Ramsay missed twice, but we all know that he wouldn’t miss a third and it would happen right before he got to Jon. This is where my problems started with this battle, but we’ll keep going. Then Jon gets off his horse and waits for the cavalry to come and again, this was pointed out to me by a friend (thanks, Melissa). It was filmed in such a way that Jon looked like he was lighter than everyone else, and it was like this throughout the battle. Is he the Lord of Light? He’s something. I don’t know what, I assumed it was just because it is Jon Snow and everyone is so pressed for him to be the savior of everything. But there is something to it, for sure. But go back a minute to when the two cavalries meet and it just sounds like a thousand NFL offensive lines colliding. I’ve never understood these battles where mufuckas just rush with their swords pointed straight out, like, I’ma stick this mufucka out and if you get hit, your fault. Meanwhile, they’re doing the same thing, and if you’re on the front line, that’s gotta SUCK.

They get to fightin’ and if there is one thing I’ll always say about Jon Snow, that dude is a helluva swordsman, like Ramsay said earlier. I won’t go through every fight, obviously, but he was mowing mufuckas DOWN left and right, and the filming of this whole thing was reminiscent of Saving Private Ryan, so I’ll never say that wasn’t cool to watch. But then the Bolton army surrounds Jon’s army in a horseshoe formation, and this is a brilliant move by Ramsay. They basically push them in the middle and no one in the Stark army can do anything, really, except Wun Wun, who was ripping people literally in half and that shit was great. Then there are piles of bodies and dead horses and all sorts of shit, and Jon somehow gets tramples by either retreating wildlings or incoming Boltons, hell, probably both, I don’t really care, he was gettin’ trampled by mufuckas, tho. Then, problem #2: Jon is running out of air, but I keep waiting for when he burst out of the feet and people and takes that big gasp of air…….then he did it and I hit the most vicious sideeye of the whole season. And really, this is my biggest issue with this battle and why I don’t think it was better than Hardhome. I never once, ever in life, thought that Jon was in danger of dying. Maybe it’s because he has already died once and they brought him back. But at Hardhome, I thought there was a genuine chance he could die, even though I’m not a Jon Snow fan, I thought he could. This time, I don’t care if he was trampled by a thousand horses and Boltons and Ramsay shoved a spear in his ass, at no point in this episode did I ever think Jon was going to die. And then, of course, just as Jon and ’em are gettin’ worked, a horn sounds and here comes the Knights of the Vale, while Sansa and Littlefinger are chillin’ on a hill and Ramsay is like, what in the fuck…..I didn’t plan for this at all. While this is happening, Smalljon was kickin’ Tormund’s ass, but he looks to see the Vale and Tormund goes full-on Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead and bites that mufucka’s whole throat out. That was the best part of the battle, for me.

Sidenote: some people on Reddit did this thing where they confirmed that Sansa was writing a letter to Littlefinger. We ALL knew that was who she was writing, but some know-it-all mufuckas were pressed to be like, OOOOOOOOOH LOOK, I KNOW  I KNOW. You’re a dickhole if you participate in this. Watch the show like everyone else. Spend that time being a better person so, MAYBE, someone can love you.

Anyway, the Vale is runnin’ shit and Ramsay is like, I’m out, back to Winterfell and close the gates. But he forgets that the Starks have a giant, and Wun Wun busts through the door like a big-ass Kool-Aid Man. However, he also have enough arrows in him that he looks like a human that ran through a field of hitchhikers (don’t front like you don’t know what they are), and is brought down from an arrow to the eye from Ramsay. This was the most upset I was through the whole thing. Wun Wun went out like a fuckin’ G. The G-est of Gs. Pour somethin’ out for him. But Jon and ’em are through, and Ramsay is like, aye dogg, I was just playin’, how about that one-on-one battle you suggested, and started firing arrows at him. But Jon grabs a shield and just keeps going forward until he gets to Ramsay, and sweet Jesus, he starts kicking his ass and it sounds like someone punching raw steaks. But then Sansa shows up and Jon is like, you know what, you deserve this and again, predictable. So they take down the Bolton banners and the Starks are back in Winterfell, and it was nice to see the wolf banner back there after the Starks have taking more Ls than Steph Curry is right now. When was the last time they got a win? Hell, a tie? I’m not sure they’ve taking one. Jon orders that Rickon is buried in the crypts next to Ned, and Sansa is like, where is he, so Jon tells her down in a cell. Ramsay is a mess, but he says that she’ll never be rid of him because he is a part of her…….AYE YO, SANSA PREGNANT, DOGG? SANSA PREGNANT! Man, I’d throw that baby off the highest cliff so fast, it wouldn’t even be funny. Punt that shit like it was a football. But Sansa gets the last laugh (for now) as she releases his hounds on Ramsay, who hasn’t fed them in a week, he said, and he’s like, they won’t eat me. You ain’t fed them in a week, bruh. He tries to tell them to get down, and they did……ON HIS FACE. They start tearing at him as Sansa walks away to the sound of his screams, with a smile.

My take on this battle is that, no matter how they got here, everyone was just happy for Ramsay to be dead. The battle was fantastic, visually stimulating and all that. I just found it to be wildly predictable from start to finish. But hey, Ramsay died, so this is apparently the best battle ever. Here are my GOT Battle Power Rankings:

  1. Hardhome
  2. Blackwater
  3. Battle of Winterfell (this one)
  4. Castle Black (and you might be able to switch these if you wanted to)
  5. Whatever they’re callin’ the Stannis joint from last season.

It was fine. It was very good. It wasn’t the best, tho. I chalk it up to recency bias and the fact that Ramsay died, and fuck him. And fair enough, I guess. But the fact that I can think of two battles that are way better and it’s not even close, shows you the high standard to watch Game Of Thrones is held, and usually delivers.

Now, on to the finale, which is 69 minutes long and supposed to be packed with surprises, but I’m staying away from previews because I just wanna watch it on Sunday night and be done with it. I assume it’ll be largely filled with Cersei, they’d have to touch on Bran, a little bit of….actually, you know what? I’m not making predictions. Shit will be almost 70 minutes, so we might see everyone before going into the offseason. Let’s fuckin’ get it. One more week.

 

 

Game Of Thrones S06E08 – No One

We’re officially in the homestretch of Game Of Thrones‘ sixth season with “No One”, and things are set up for a wild final two episodes. Too bad that I liked everything about this episode, except the storyline that sparked the title. Let’s go…..

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-Let’s start with Riverrun, because there’s a whole buncha shit goin’ on in those streets. Brienne and Pod da Gawd got there to holla at the Blackfish, but they realize that the Lannister army is there as well, and the Freys, but they’ve already proven to not be worth a damn. They’re surrounded quickly by Lannister people, and Brienne tells them that she wants to speak to Jaime, and she has his sword. So she goes to meet him in a tent, while Bronn sees Pod and starts fuckin’ with him, making jokes and he offers to teach him how to fight. I wonder how many times he has pulled that “look at your stance” joint….that shit is the “are your shoes untied” of Westeros, I bet. Jaime and Brienne’s meeting was fine enough. Brienne needs help for Sansa and her battle, but Jaime is like, we’re kinda fighting Blackfish right now, so if you can just take a number. Brienne at least gets Jaime to let her talk to the Blackfish and Jaime was like, cool, I’ll let him leave, but he gotta be out by nightfall and when Brienne tries to give him back his sword, he denies her. Then Brienne pulls some shit about having to fight him if the Blackfish won’t surrender because of her oath to Catelyn Stark, and if I’m Jaime, I’m like, well give me back my sword, then. What kinda shit is this? I suppose the name of the sword is Oathkeeper, but still, gotta let some shit slide, Brienne. And that is why she’ll die at some point. Anyway, she goes to the Blackfish and tries to talk to him, and he’s like naaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Even when she brings up Sansa, Blackfish is like, I’d love to, but I got some thangs goin’ on right now and I can’t spare it. So she sends a raven to tell Sansa it’s a no-go, but Sansa is already on the horn to Littlefinger, because we all think she was writing the letter to him last week, right? Right.

Jaime then goes to Edmure Tully, who is kinda being a dick and Jaime tells him that he has a son with Roslin Frey, and if he can convince the Blackfish to get out, Jaime will let them live out their days at Casterly Rock. Edmure is still kinda being a dick and then Jaime tells him about being Catelyn’s captor, and he came to respect her for her love of her children, which is why he loves Cersei and basically, he’ll kill every Tully in here (word to Riley Cooper, look it up) to get back to her. Bruh, he said he would catapult his son off the castle. So Edmure obviously changes his mind and goes to the Blackfish, who doesn’t want the guards to even open the drawbridge, but they do. Edmure orders that they surrender to the Lannisters because technically, his pops was Hoster Tully (Catelyn’s pops as well), so Edmure is the Lord of Riverrun. He allows the Lannisters and Freys to come in, put their banners up, pictures on the wall, feet all on their couch, spillin’ popcorn on the floor, all that. Then he orders the Blackfish to be in chains, and the Blackfish refused to leave with Brienne instead, instead opting to fight. It is reported that he died, but I ain’t see the fight, so it didn’t happen. The shit ends with Brienne and Pod leaving on a boat, and she and Jaime wave to each other. That was kinda underwhelming…..I want more Jaime and Brienne, but I guess purposes have to be served. And Sansa definitely isn’t getting the help of Riverrun now as Jaime pointed out that she is still a suspect in Joffrey’s death.

-Over at King’s Landing, the Faith Militant want to see Cersei and they’re led by Cousin Lancel, who lowkey started all this shit in the first place. Lancel tells Cersei that the High Sparrow wants to see her and she’s like, nah, tell him to come to me. Lancel tells her that if she doesn’t come nicely, there might be violence and Cersei is like, what, you don’t see FrankenMountain behind me? I choose violence, she says, which seems like something she has said before and even if she didn’t, she has definitely thought it. One of the dudes tries to step to him, but his sword got stuck in FrankenMountain’s armor. FrankenMountain then picks the dude up and throws him, and then rips off his head and Lancel is like, you know what? Maybe we’ll come back later. Then Cersei goes to the Great Hall to find that something is going on and she wasn’t told, but Uncle Kevan tells her she’s not apart of the circle and she can go stand with the regular people. The announcement comes from Tommen that trials by combat are now forbidden, and you knew that was coming after Lancel watched his homeboy get his lid ripped off. He went back to the High Sparrow and was like, nah, we can’t do this, dogg. This puts Cersei at a supreme disadvantage because FrankenMountain is literally all she has. What is she gon’ do now? Qyburn tells Cersei that he had been investigating an old rumor that she had told him about, and the rumor was more than a rumor. I’ve no idea what the hell they’re talking about, but we’ll find out soon enough. All I know is that Cersei is in quite a pickle. What is about to be, a spelling bee? Slam dunk contest? Should be interesting.

-Over to Meereen, where the Red Priestesses are telling everyone that Dany was sent by the Lord of Light to stop slavery (which isn’t really working out for her), while Tyrion and Varys are scheming, as they’re known to do. They’re skeptical on putting these “fanatics” in a position to control the people and well, they should maybe look over to King’s Landing to see how that is working out for them. Anyway, Varys says he’ll go on a secret mission to recruit people to help Dany when she gets to Westeros….but how do they know she’s going there? She should and I hope she does, but I’m not saying shit until she does. Anyway, he leaves and Tyrion goes to hang with Grey Worm and Missandei, and he gets them to have a drink with him, Missandei, at least. He also wants jokes and Missandei tries to tell one and Grey Worm is like, that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard in my life and I’m like, dogg….she wants to fuck with you and you ain’t got no dick….AND NOW YOU’RE SHITTING ON HER JOKES? Apparently, that was him making a joke and Missandei, who is LIT off one sip of wine, starts laughing and he smiles at her. I bet Missandei would destroy a bottle of Boone’s wine. That, or some Palm Bays.

But then, they hear the sound of shooting and they see a buncha ships from Astapor, Yunkai and Volantis, firing flaming arrows and all sorts of other shit. They’re killing Meereen and Tyrion is like, well, diplomacy didn’t work, so how about you handle this, Grey Worm? Then they hear footsteps on the roof of the pyramid and the guards go to investigate, but they bow….it’s Dany, who came back with Drogon and man, she burst in that room like the “All Lives Matter” movement (with their bullshit, but anyway). That shit was hilarious. All she needed was a cape and to put her hands on her hips. So yeah, Dany back and next week, or maybe two weeks from now, Drogon and his brothers will absolutely get it poppin’. If she can swing it, shoot, there are ships there for the taking, but I fear the dragons will burn the shit outta them.

-Next, we’re in the Riverlands, where the Brotherhood Without Banners are crackin’ jokes after their destruction of Ian McShane and ’em.The Hound rolls up behind them with his axe and ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh, heads were rollin’ all over the damn place. Groins were cut, guts were spilled, all that shit, he went to town on mufuckas. Then he keeps going to find more of them, and he finds Beric Dondarrion, who the Hound killed back in Season 3 in a trial by combat, but he keeps coming back to life because of the Lord of Light and Thoros, who is also there with him. They’re going to hang a few more people involved with the massacre of McShane and ’em, and the Hound is like, lemme kill ’em. Thoros is like, cool, but you can’t butcher them and the Hound is like, normally I’d kill all y’all mufuckas and then, them, but fine, we’ll hang ’em. He probably also realized that he already killed Beric and well, here he is, so what’s the point. He also takes one of the men’s boots because, fuck him.

The Hound chills with the Brotherhood, who want him to join up because he’s a damn beast and that “cold winds are blowingin the North”. Basically, the White Walkers are coming and they need his help, and hopefully, he will. The Hound is a beast, but I don’t know how much he can do against them. Can’t hurt to try, tho.

-Sigh…..finally to Braavos, where Lady Crane is playing Cersei, mourning Joffrey, but this script has been edited to add Cersei’s revenge like Arya suggested. She walks offstage and there is Arya, chillin’, hangin’ out, you know, just bleeding out. She helps Arya because apparently she is a damn EMT on the side….problem #1 with this. Lady Crane then tells Arya that she beat up Bianca, who Arya pointed out as wanting her dead, and then she asks Arya to join the play company and go to Pentos. Arya takes some milk of the poppy (heroin, opium, whatever you want to call it) and goes to sleep, and wakes up to a dead Lady Crane, who was killed by the Waif, who disguised herself as a man. Arya is like, fuck this, and jumps out of a window like Omar on The Wire, and not a sprained ankle, a broken toe, nothing……strike #2. They run through the streets like an old-school samurai movie, and Arya falls down some steps….like, barrel rolls down like, 15 or 20 steps. You know what? I won’t give this a strike, but a strong sideeye. She gets to a darkened room that has a candle in it, and the Waif tells her that she can die on her feet, or on her knees, so Arya takes out Needle and cuts out the flame for strike #3. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO……where did Needle come from and more importantly, why didn’t she pull that shit out from the jump? Good on her realizing that maybe she fought better when she was blind, so she cut out the candle…..but seriously, why not pull that shit out? I’m not watching it again, but this all seems stupid and I’m not buying it.It’s fine, though. It’s okay to criticize Game Of Thrones. It does some stupid shit sometimes. Like, how did she not know the Waif would show up at Lady Crane’s? Arya was so damn sloppy, but of course, they were never going to kill her. Like, EVER.

Then, Jaqen gets to the Hall of Faces and finds a trail of blood, which he follows to the wall and he sees the face of the Waif with her eyes gouged out. Arya is behind him and asks him if he sent the Waif to kill her, which he admits and he’s impressed as she has become No One and can roll with the Faceless Men. Arya is like, man, fuck y’all, I am Arya Stark of Winterfell and I’m going the fuck home. Jaqen smiles and is like, cool, but he’s not done with her. I’m done with this storyline, though. It was a solid idea, but it has gone on long enough and if she just goes home to do whatever, what the hell was this all for?

My biggest, biggest, biggest problem with this, though? We didn’t get to see Arya kill the Waif. We’ve watched this monster of a human being fuck Arya’s whole life up for more than a season. She has kicked her ass with weapons, without weapons, with sight, with no sight, while she was awake, while she was asleep…..for all this, we deserve to see her die. I thought that was kinda cheap. But hey, I’ll live. Now, where will Arya go? No point in going back to Winterfell…..or is there?

Next week, my friends…..”Battle of the Bastards”, and it’s directed by Miguel Sapochink, who is also directing next week’s finale (which is like, 70 minutes long or some shit). Sapochink directed last season’s “Hardhome“, aka the White Walker Party, and he also did the preceding episode, “The Gift“. If he’s at the helm, then I’m thinking the next two episodes are going to be just LOADED with killing and gratuitous violence. I’m not sure if the episode will be centered entirely on Winterfell as GOT tends to do with big battles like Hardhome, and Season 2’s Blackwater, but I have a feeling it will be. We’ll see Jon, Sansa, Ramsay, Rickon, Littlefinger will probably be in the house, Davos, all of them will be prominent, and don’t forget Lyanna and the 62 Mormonts. If not, I’m sure Dany will be a thing, we gotta get back to Bran, and hopefully someone would have killed either Tommen, the High Sparrow or Cersei, because we’re not getting out of this season with one of those three dying; possibly all three. I’m so fuckin’ ready for next week.