Tag Archives: High Sparrow

Game Of Thrones S06E10 – The Winds Of Winter

Well, after six damn seasons of Game Of Thrones, winter is finally here. But there was a fair amount of heat in the Season 6 finale, “The Winds Of Winter”, unequivocally one of the best episodes in the entire series and the name of the upcoming sixth book. Let’s go………

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-Um, let’s start with Sam and Gilly because this shit will be quick. They show up at Oldtown and walk up to the the maester’s version of the front desk, and much like any front desk you’ve ever been to, the receptionist is not here for any of Sam’s shit. He made Sam’s big ass stretch across that desk to give him the letter from Jon, saying he is supposed to be the new maester, and Mr. Receptionist was like, new Lord Commander? No Maester Aegon? WE DON’T BELIEVE YOU, YOU NEED MORE PEOPLE. But eventually, he lets Sam into the library, but not Gilly and Little Sam because Sam knew women and children weren’t allowed there. Anyway, Sam has to read like, three million books and he’s pretty psyched about it. Good for him. The fuck you gon’ do with Gilly and Little Sam?

-Let’s move up to the Twins, where Walder Frey is being full of himself as usual, partyin’ off their win over the Blackfish and the Tullys, while Bronn is gettin’ pissy with Jaime because all the women want him. Jaime, being the best wingman ever, calls over two women and Bronn is like, fuck it, I’ll take them, but first, he hit Jaime with the “not blond enough for you?” as both women had dark hair. It was obviously a shot at Jaime about Cersei, and really, Bronn is the only one who can get away with that shit. He has done it before, but what can Jaime say? Bronn has done a lot of shit for Jaime over these last six seasons. Then Jaime moves on Walder Frey, and basically says to him that the Lannisters don’t really need him if they have to ride up and save him every time he loses the Riverlands. He’s not wrong. Walder couldn’t have pulled off the Red Wedding without the Lannisters, and now this. That should have been the first sign for Walder to watch his back, ol’ pedo-ass bastard. But then, he’s chillin’ and in walks a girl that we saw in the previous scene, getting Jaime’s attention. Walder slaps her ass and says she’s too pretty to be one of his, and he asks for his sons. She was like, oh, your sons are right there, on ya mufuckin’ plate and that they were hard to carve up…..and bruh, she pulled off that mask…….ARYA. She says her full name again, completely throwing that “No One” shit in the bushes, and proceeds to slit his throat….and smiles at him. Does this make up for all the other shit that hasn’t happened for Arya this season? Not completely, but it damn sure helps. And this means that Arya is at Riverrun, so how did she get…..actually, you know what? Never mind. She’s there and that’s all that matters. Winterfell next? Maybe King’s Landing? She got that kill list to work on.

-Benjen drops Meera and Bran close to the Wall, right beside a weirwood tree, but Benjen can’t go past the Wall, which has magic or some shit that prevents him from going past it because technically, he’s dead. Sooooooooo…….does this mean the White Walkers and ’em can’t go past the Wall, either? How does that work? Anyway, we’ll figure that shit out later. Bran looks at the tree and was like, I ain’t warged in a minute and Meera is like, you better wake the fuck up when I grab you this time. He goes into his flashback, and it’s at the Tower of Joy, where we hear the screams of Lyanna Stark, and Ned goes on to see what’s up with his sister. She is lying in a pool of blood and whispers to Ned that well, she just had a baby and her father would kill her if she knew who the father was, and we can all safely assume that the father is Rhaegar Targaryen and book readers smugly stroked their chin upon this being revealed. To be fair to them, though, this is one of the theories that I’ve run across that wasn’t stupid, and it NEVER sat well with me that Ned had a bastard child when all we heard about was how honorable he was. Like, that was Ned’s THING, right until the end. But he came up with that story because Jon Snow would have been killed if anyone knew his father was Rhaegar was his father. So yes, Jon is part-Targaryen. He’d better learn to ride a dragon (remember, Rhaegar was Dany’s brother and fun fact, he was supposed to marry Cersei, but his father, the Mad King, said Cersei wasn’t good enough for him and that obviously pissed Tywin off. I could probably write another thousand words on how many people the Targaryens pissed off, and how not good that is for Dany……maybe later). That shit will come in handy.

-Speaking of Jon, he’s chillin’ with Melisandre when Davos bursts in the room and throws some shit at Melisandre, which turns out to be Shireen’s little wooden elk, which is some bullshit in the first place, but whatever. He forces her to tell Jon about the burning of Shireen at the stake, but Melisandre puts up a fight, saying that it was the Lord of Light, but also her parents as Stannis and whatever her mother’s name was were in on it, too. Davos is like, where did that get any of them, and Melisandre is like, shit….you’re not wrong. Jon asks is she has anything to say for herself and Melisandre counters with the fact that, well, she brought him back to life, and the great war is on the way and she’ll be useful to him, which is probably right. But Jon was raised by Ned and he does the honorable thing, which is to tell Melisandre to ride south and never come to the North again, or he’ll have her hanged as a murderer, while Davos is like, fuck all that, I’ll kill you my damn self. And I mean, I get it, killing Shireen was kinda fucked up. But she DID bring Jon Snow back and she probably will be able to help in the great war. She’s not done, we’ll see her again. For their sake, they better hope they see her again. But goddamn, Davos was mad as shit, come like they found a text on their significant other’s phone. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT……I don’t think we’ve ever heard him that mad. And now that I think about it….does he need to go to the Iron Bank and pay that debt for Stannis? That literally just popped into my head.

Jon meets with Sansa, who says that he should sleep in their parents’ old room, but Jon wants her to have it. She admits that not telling him about Littlefinger was the wrong thing to do, which is correct, because people were furious about that last week. Jon asks if she trusts Littlefinger, which she says she doesn’t and I think she knows better than that, but she needed him. Jon tells her they have to be honest with each other if they’re gon’ run Winterfell, but they’ll have this problem again. Oh, and they find out that winter is here through a white raven, and it’s just like their father told them as it’s the motto of House Stark and he it’s the name of the first episode of the series. It’s about damn time. Then Sansa meets with Littlefinger, who finally shoots his shot with her. He tried to kiss her and Sansa was like, nah, thanks for the army, tho. That’s some cold shit. He won’t take that lying down.

Later on, all the lords of the North have gathered and mufuckas are mad that the wildlings are there, but Tormund said they were invited. AND, did you not just see us out there fighting for your punk asses? We lost the last giant (#RIPWUNWUN) out here for y’all, which is all a true story. Jon then tells everyone that the great war is yet to be fought, and then there are some that still think Jon shouldn’t be in charge because he’s a bastard. But Lyanna Mormont steps up to the plate and all but started her speech with, “man, y’all some bitches”. She names all the houses that stopped fuckin’ with the Starks after the Red Wedding, and people that wouldn’t fight the Boltons with him. Where has this little girl been this entire series? I feel cheated that we’re just now gettin’ these Lyanna bars. And y’all are some bitches because you’re getting run by a 10-year-old that has just 62 fightin’ mufuckas….well, um, probably not 62 after last week. I wonder how many of them survived? I’d guess not many. Anyway, they all declare Jon the King Of the North and everyone is chanting, but Sansa looks in the back and Littlefinger is NOT happy because he thinks that’s his spot. So keep an eye on that because if there is one thing we know, it is that Littlefinger won’t stop until he gets what he wants. And he has an army that is probably bigger than Jon’s. But it’s nice to see the Starks taking a W or two after six entire seasons of Ls.

-Aight, NOW, on to the good stuff. The episode starts with everyone getting ready for the trials of Cersei and Loras. It is a very slow and deliberate beginning, and and very detailed, starting with the little kid who whispers something Pycelle as he is getting ready to go, and after he doesn’t pay a prostitute, and you can never trust someone who does that. Loras is brought out of his cell and I assume he’s not making it out of this episode, but instead of a trial, Loras confessed to everything, like, a whole buncha shit. I was waiting for buggery, but no buggery, I think he just used a different name for it. Anyway, he says that he’s done with his Tyrell name, he’ll never have kids, yada yada yada, but that’s not enough as the Sparrows carve that star into his head and Margaery is PISSED. The High Sparrow ain’t pressed tho, and he’s like, these things happen. He also said that Loras wouldn’t be released until Cersei’s trial, but she won’t leave the Red Keep, so he sends Lancel to get her. Of course, Cersei is chillin’ with her wine, mentally tellin’ mufuckas what they ain’t gon’ do today, and when Tommen goes to head to the trial, he’s greeted by FrankenMountain, and that’s when you knew it was about to be ON. Then you have Pycelle, who follows that kid under the Sept into a room with Qyburn, who says that he has no ill will towards Pycelle….but apparently this gang of little kids do. They stabbed the shit outta Pycelle, b. That has to be a record for most times one person has been stabbed in this show.

Margaery knows something is going on with Cersei and Tommen not being there, and says there is some sort of trap, but the High Sparrow is arrogant and was like, meh, it’ll be fine. So Margaery is like, fuck this, and tries to leave, but the Sparrows hold her back. Meanwhile, no one is looking for Lancel, who has followed another kid under the Red Keep, and then the kid stabs him in the spine. He gets to crawling, and it seemed like that dude was on the ground for hours, and he’s crawling, and he’s crawling…and then he discovers the wildfire that they’ve mentioned like, three times in the most recent episodes (I called it firewater in my notes, I was close). He sees a candle and does everything he can to get there to put it out, but he doesn’t get there in time and BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM……down goes the Sept, the High Sparrow, Margaery and Loras, the Faith Militant, EVERYONE. We have two points of view here: one is Cersei, who is smirking with what might be her third glass of wine, and then there is Tommen…..who stares out of the window in disbelief, takes his crown off, we hear him sit it down, and then back to the window and doesn’t even hesitate, just walks the fuck out. So there is the prophecy; it was foretold that Cersei’s kids would all die. I don’t know if her having anything to do with it was in there, but they’re gone.

AND THEN, Cersei walks in a room where the big-ass nun is strapped to a table, and she is telling the nun to confess, and pouring wine all over her face. You KNOW Cersei hates you if she’s wasting wine on you. Cersei then confesses to killing her husband and fucking her brother and doing all sorts of shit on the strength of feeling good, and the nun is like fuck it, I’m ready to die, I’m good. But no, no, no, Cersei ain’t ready for that yet….she brings in FrankenMountain, who takes off his mask, and we don’t know what he is doing to her as Cersei leaves, but we hear the blood-curdling screams and it surely can’t be good for ol’ nun, and Cersei walks off repeating “Shame, Shame”, because she’s Queen Petty.

However, a damper is put on the party when Qyburn tells Cersei that Tommen is dead, and she’s like, welp, burn him and put him with his grandfather, brother and sister, and it’s there that hits Cersei, her whole damn family is dead….all she has left is Jaime. No mention of Robert, tho, which isn’t surprising. But Jaime’s reaction is the best as he and Bronn return from Riverrun with King’s Landing burning, and he’s like, fuck, what did she do now. He walks in just in time to see Cersei being crowned Queen of the Seven Kingdoms by Qyburn, and yo…….CERSEI IS ON THE FUCKIN’ THRONE. The season is a success for me because I just wanted Cersei to get revenge and then die, but to put her on the throne? Something that she tried to run with Robert, then killed him, then her sons, and that didn’t work out. But she should be careful because the Iron Throne isn’t really the place to be if you want to live. And besides, Cersei’s plans ALWAYS backfire, so it’s only a matter of time before that shit comes crashing down. However. The Revenge of Cersei is complete and the High Sparrow is dead, so I’m good.

-Quickly, we stopped in Dorne where Ellaria had called Lady O for a meeting, and Lady O is not in the mood for anything. She needs some backup as she blames Cersei for the deaths of Margaery and Loras, and rightly so, oh, and her son, their father, also died at the Sept. Ellaria is all about some Lannister vengeance, but not before Lady O cusses out all three of the Sand Snakes for no reason other than they exist. I love that lady. No one makes some feel small better than Lady O, them bars cut like a knife. But then Varys is revealed, and I’ll tell you what I think that is all about in the next section. So that’s where he was going, but wouldn’t tell Tyrion.

-Finally, we end in Meereen, where Dany breaks up with Daario, which kinda came outta nowhere, but I was okay with it. He is to stay there with the Second Sons and make sure Meereen is smooth, and he’s on some “please baby baby please” shit, but Dany is like, nah, I got shit to do. She tried him as a piece, and it was lowkey hilarious to see the shoe on the other foot, far different from what we’re used to seeing in, well, 90% of television shows outchea. And he’s mad at Tyrion, who is sitting outside and waiting for Dany to see how Daario took the news (meh, he was fine, probably went to a brothel).

Tyrion tries to console her, but Dany is more worried that she doesn’t feel anything about it. The two sit down and talk about what they believe in, and Tyrion didn’t believe in anything, but he believes in her and I’m not going through the shit word for word, but I wouldn’t be surprised if both Emilia Clarke and Peter Dinklage used this as their Emmy scene (even though neither of them should win). Just the way it was shot, with them in the frame and the window behind them….this is the shit we’ve been building towards and what I’ve been waiting for since Tyrion got to Meereen. He even said it: she has ships, an army, some big-ass dragons….only one thing left to do. As I mentioned before, the Targaryens aren’t liked in King’s Landing, but who cares….she has all of the aforementioned things. Anyway, Dany makes Tyrion the Hand of the Queen and he kneels, but hey, he has been the Hand before. We close with Yara and Theon and the Iron Fleet (and I assume Euron is building, what, ship #17 of 1,000 at this point), and then Dany, Missandei, Tyrion and Varys on another ship, with Drogon up above. Dany is FINALLY going to Westeros, and she better not make any damn stops along the way. And yeah, Varys…..he got back in time (don’t worry about how long it took for all this, Dorne is kinda close to Meereen and that shit doesn’t mean anything in this show). So he’s aligning Dany and ’em with Dorne and Highgarden against the Lannisters? Tyrion won’t mind, although he’ll do his best to save Jaime, which isn’t likely considering that, you know, he kinda killed Dany’s father. And yo, whatever happen to Melisandre #2, that knew all about Varys’ past and had him shook?

And that was that. The end to Season 6, which might be just after Season 4 for my favorite season, and this was one of the best episodes of the series, hands down. I’m fine with there being fewer episodes in the season (there are seven slated for next season) if they’re going to be longer, and if they’re all this good. I’m not even gon’ speculate on what will happen next season, I’ma let this season marinate and we’ll deal with all that shit over the next ten months, which seems like a long time, but we’ll get through it.

Season 6 MVP: Lena Headey as Cersei. Honorable mention for Sophie Turner as Sansa. I wanted it to be Maisie Williams as Arya, but that storyline dragged for a while.

Thanks for reading and making this the most fun I’ve had since starting this blog, and I haven’t figured out what’s next yet. But whatever it is, it won’t be as fun as Game Of Thrones, the king of television right now.

Game Of Thrones S06E08 – No One

We’re officially in the homestretch of Game Of Thrones‘ sixth season with “No One”, and things are set up for a wild final two episodes. Too bad that I liked everything about this episode, except the storyline that sparked the title. Let’s go…..

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-Let’s start with Riverrun, because there’s a whole buncha shit goin’ on in those streets. Brienne and Pod da Gawd got there to holla at the Blackfish, but they realize that the Lannister army is there as well, and the Freys, but they’ve already proven to not be worth a damn. They’re surrounded quickly by Lannister people, and Brienne tells them that she wants to speak to Jaime, and she has his sword. So she goes to meet him in a tent, while Bronn sees Pod and starts fuckin’ with him, making jokes and he offers to teach him how to fight. I wonder how many times he has pulled that “look at your stance” joint….that shit is the “are your shoes untied” of Westeros, I bet. Jaime and Brienne’s meeting was fine enough. Brienne needs help for Sansa and her battle, but Jaime is like, we’re kinda fighting Blackfish right now, so if you can just take a number. Brienne at least gets Jaime to let her talk to the Blackfish and Jaime was like, cool, I’ll let him leave, but he gotta be out by nightfall and when Brienne tries to give him back his sword, he denies her. Then Brienne pulls some shit about having to fight him if the Blackfish won’t surrender because of her oath to Catelyn Stark, and if I’m Jaime, I’m like, well give me back my sword, then. What kinda shit is this? I suppose the name of the sword is Oathkeeper, but still, gotta let some shit slide, Brienne. And that is why she’ll die at some point. Anyway, she goes to the Blackfish and tries to talk to him, and he’s like naaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Even when she brings up Sansa, Blackfish is like, I’d love to, but I got some thangs goin’ on right now and I can’t spare it. So she sends a raven to tell Sansa it’s a no-go, but Sansa is already on the horn to Littlefinger, because we all think she was writing the letter to him last week, right? Right.

Jaime then goes to Edmure Tully, who is kinda being a dick and Jaime tells him that he has a son with Roslin Frey, and if he can convince the Blackfish to get out, Jaime will let them live out their days at Casterly Rock. Edmure is still kinda being a dick and then Jaime tells him about being Catelyn’s captor, and he came to respect her for her love of her children, which is why he loves Cersei and basically, he’ll kill every Tully in here (word to Riley Cooper, look it up) to get back to her. Bruh, he said he would catapult his son off the castle. So Edmure obviously changes his mind and goes to the Blackfish, who doesn’t want the guards to even open the drawbridge, but they do. Edmure orders that they surrender to the Lannisters because technically, his pops was Hoster Tully (Catelyn’s pops as well), so Edmure is the Lord of Riverrun. He allows the Lannisters and Freys to come in, put their banners up, pictures on the wall, feet all on their couch, spillin’ popcorn on the floor, all that. Then he orders the Blackfish to be in chains, and the Blackfish refused to leave with Brienne instead, instead opting to fight. It is reported that he died, but I ain’t see the fight, so it didn’t happen. The shit ends with Brienne and Pod leaving on a boat, and she and Jaime wave to each other. That was kinda underwhelming…..I want more Jaime and Brienne, but I guess purposes have to be served. And Sansa definitely isn’t getting the help of Riverrun now as Jaime pointed out that she is still a suspect in Joffrey’s death.

-Over at King’s Landing, the Faith Militant want to see Cersei and they’re led by Cousin Lancel, who lowkey started all this shit in the first place. Lancel tells Cersei that the High Sparrow wants to see her and she’s like, nah, tell him to come to me. Lancel tells her that if she doesn’t come nicely, there might be violence and Cersei is like, what, you don’t see FrankenMountain behind me? I choose violence, she says, which seems like something she has said before and even if she didn’t, she has definitely thought it. One of the dudes tries to step to him, but his sword got stuck in FrankenMountain’s armor. FrankenMountain then picks the dude up and throws him, and then rips off his head and Lancel is like, you know what? Maybe we’ll come back later. Then Cersei goes to the Great Hall to find that something is going on and she wasn’t told, but Uncle Kevan tells her she’s not apart of the circle and she can go stand with the regular people. The announcement comes from Tommen that trials by combat are now forbidden, and you knew that was coming after Lancel watched his homeboy get his lid ripped off. He went back to the High Sparrow and was like, nah, we can’t do this, dogg. This puts Cersei at a supreme disadvantage because FrankenMountain is literally all she has. What is she gon’ do now? Qyburn tells Cersei that he had been investigating an old rumor that she had told him about, and the rumor was more than a rumor. I’ve no idea what the hell they’re talking about, but we’ll find out soon enough. All I know is that Cersei is in quite a pickle. What is about to be, a spelling bee? Slam dunk contest? Should be interesting.

-Over to Meereen, where the Red Priestesses are telling everyone that Dany was sent by the Lord of Light to stop slavery (which isn’t really working out for her), while Tyrion and Varys are scheming, as they’re known to do. They’re skeptical on putting these “fanatics” in a position to control the people and well, they should maybe look over to King’s Landing to see how that is working out for them. Anyway, Varys says he’ll go on a secret mission to recruit people to help Dany when she gets to Westeros….but how do they know she’s going there? She should and I hope she does, but I’m not saying shit until she does. Anyway, he leaves and Tyrion goes to hang with Grey Worm and Missandei, and he gets them to have a drink with him, Missandei, at least. He also wants jokes and Missandei tries to tell one and Grey Worm is like, that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard in my life and I’m like, dogg….she wants to fuck with you and you ain’t got no dick….AND NOW YOU’RE SHITTING ON HER JOKES? Apparently, that was him making a joke and Missandei, who is LIT off one sip of wine, starts laughing and he smiles at her. I bet Missandei would destroy a bottle of Boone’s wine. That, or some Palm Bays.

But then, they hear the sound of shooting and they see a buncha ships from Astapor, Yunkai and Volantis, firing flaming arrows and all sorts of other shit. They’re killing Meereen and Tyrion is like, well, diplomacy didn’t work, so how about you handle this, Grey Worm? Then they hear footsteps on the roof of the pyramid and the guards go to investigate, but they bow….it’s Dany, who came back with Drogon and man, she burst in that room like the “All Lives Matter” movement (with their bullshit, but anyway). That shit was hilarious. All she needed was a cape and to put her hands on her hips. So yeah, Dany back and next week, or maybe two weeks from now, Drogon and his brothers will absolutely get it poppin’. If she can swing it, shoot, there are ships there for the taking, but I fear the dragons will burn the shit outta them.

-Next, we’re in the Riverlands, where the Brotherhood Without Banners are crackin’ jokes after their destruction of Ian McShane and ’em.The Hound rolls up behind them with his axe and ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh, heads were rollin’ all over the damn place. Groins were cut, guts were spilled, all that shit, he went to town on mufuckas. Then he keeps going to find more of them, and he finds Beric Dondarrion, who the Hound killed back in Season 3 in a trial by combat, but he keeps coming back to life because of the Lord of Light and Thoros, who is also there with him. They’re going to hang a few more people involved with the massacre of McShane and ’em, and the Hound is like, lemme kill ’em. Thoros is like, cool, but you can’t butcher them and the Hound is like, normally I’d kill all y’all mufuckas and then, them, but fine, we’ll hang ’em. He probably also realized that he already killed Beric and well, here he is, so what’s the point. He also takes one of the men’s boots because, fuck him.

The Hound chills with the Brotherhood, who want him to join up because he’s a damn beast and that “cold winds are blowingin the North”. Basically, the White Walkers are coming and they need his help, and hopefully, he will. The Hound is a beast, but I don’t know how much he can do against them. Can’t hurt to try, tho.

-Sigh…..finally to Braavos, where Lady Crane is playing Cersei, mourning Joffrey, but this script has been edited to add Cersei’s revenge like Arya suggested. She walks offstage and there is Arya, chillin’, hangin’ out, you know, just bleeding out. She helps Arya because apparently she is a damn EMT on the side….problem #1 with this. Lady Crane then tells Arya that she beat up Bianca, who Arya pointed out as wanting her dead, and then she asks Arya to join the play company and go to Pentos. Arya takes some milk of the poppy (heroin, opium, whatever you want to call it) and goes to sleep, and wakes up to a dead Lady Crane, who was killed by the Waif, who disguised herself as a man. Arya is like, fuck this, and jumps out of a window like Omar on The Wire, and not a sprained ankle, a broken toe, nothing……strike #2. They run through the streets like an old-school samurai movie, and Arya falls down some steps….like, barrel rolls down like, 15 or 20 steps. You know what? I won’t give this a strike, but a strong sideeye. She gets to a darkened room that has a candle in it, and the Waif tells her that she can die on her feet, or on her knees, so Arya takes out Needle and cuts out the flame for strike #3. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO……where did Needle come from and more importantly, why didn’t she pull that shit out from the jump? Good on her realizing that maybe she fought better when she was blind, so she cut out the candle…..but seriously, why not pull that shit out? I’m not watching it again, but this all seems stupid and I’m not buying it.It’s fine, though. It’s okay to criticize Game Of Thrones. It does some stupid shit sometimes. Like, how did she not know the Waif would show up at Lady Crane’s? Arya was so damn sloppy, but of course, they were never going to kill her. Like, EVER.

Then, Jaqen gets to the Hall of Faces and finds a trail of blood, which he follows to the wall and he sees the face of the Waif with her eyes gouged out. Arya is behind him and asks him if he sent the Waif to kill her, which he admits and he’s impressed as she has become No One and can roll with the Faceless Men. Arya is like, man, fuck y’all, I am Arya Stark of Winterfell and I’m going the fuck home. Jaqen smiles and is like, cool, but he’s not done with her. I’m done with this storyline, though. It was a solid idea, but it has gone on long enough and if she just goes home to do whatever, what the hell was this all for?

My biggest, biggest, biggest problem with this, though? We didn’t get to see Arya kill the Waif. We’ve watched this monster of a human being fuck Arya’s whole life up for more than a season. She has kicked her ass with weapons, without weapons, with sight, with no sight, while she was awake, while she was asleep…..for all this, we deserve to see her die. I thought that was kinda cheap. But hey, I’ll live. Now, where will Arya go? No point in going back to Winterfell…..or is there?

Next week, my friends…..”Battle of the Bastards”, and it’s directed by Miguel Sapochink, who is also directing next week’s finale (which is like, 70 minutes long or some shit). Sapochink directed last season’s “Hardhome“, aka the White Walker Party, and he also did the preceding episode, “The Gift“. If he’s at the helm, then I’m thinking the next two episodes are going to be just LOADED with killing and gratuitous violence. I’m not sure if the episode will be centered entirely on Winterfell as GOT tends to do with big battles like Hardhome, and Season 2’s Blackwater, but I have a feeling it will be. We’ll see Jon, Sansa, Ramsay, Rickon, Littlefinger will probably be in the house, Davos, all of them will be prominent, and don’t forget Lyanna and the 62 Mormonts. If not, I’m sure Dany will be a thing, we gotta get back to Bran, and hopefully someone would have killed either Tommen, the High Sparrow or Cersei, because we’re not getting out of this season with one of those three dying; possibly all three. I’m so fuckin’ ready for next week.

Game Of Thrones S06E07 -The Broken Man

“The Broken Man” brought back an old friend to Game Of Thrones. And by friend, I meant “character that was a horrible person, but I was a fan”, which could extend to probably 85% of the characters on this show. Let’s go……

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-I guess we’ll start with that as there was a scene before the opening credits, which has happened, I don’t know, maybe two or three times in the past……the only time I can remember off-hand is the premiere of Season 4, when Tywin Lannister was melting down Ned Stark’s sword into two swords (the name of the episode is “Two Swords”, if you’re wondering). Anyway, we follow a man, watching people tryna get a village started up. I was racking my brain tryna think of who the leader was, and it’s Ian McShane, who I guess you would know from Deadwood, which I’ve never seen and probably never will. I’m sure it’s a fine show, and it was one of HBO’s first BIG shows, but I don’t give nary damn about a western, so I’ll take y’all word for it. Anyway, we pan past all his people and we see the Hound, who I would like to think, no one thought he was dead…..right? Anyway, this whole episode was about Ian McShane, whose name was Brother Ray, apparently, telling us how he saved the Hound and that the gods weren’t done with him yet, and that he’d already been punished for the foul shit he did.

Then later on, some men roll up on horses and I had no idea who they were, but they were from the Brotherhood Without Banners. They had their eyes on the Hound, but they left and the Hound told Ian McShane they’d be back. So he left to go and chop wood, but he was so focused on that wood that he missed the slaughter of an entire village. He ain’t have no headphones on or nothing, just didn’t hear all of the death and destruction that was going on, shit, couldn’t have been that far away. At the end of it, Ian McShane had been hung and the Hound grabs an axe like, shit, y’all turned me BACK into a killer. Ian McShane had said that it’s not too late to change your ways, and he obviously had to die because he doesn’t know this world at all. Game Of Thrones isn’t a show where people change for good….eventually, you go back to being what you are. If you don’t, you’ll probably die. Anyway, the Brotherhood have long had beef with the Hound and his brother (they wanted to execute the latter and they took the Hound in Season 3), who is now FrankenMountain and you would think that the beef is over. As Brynden Tully says later, “as long as I’m breathing, the war is never over”. That shit must be EXHAUSTING. Anyway, I’ll be clear: it was the Brotherhood that did this.

Ol’ boy was going to TOWN on that firewood, tho. Good grief.

-On to King’s Landing, where Margaery is a regular church-goer now, reciting passages to the High Sparrow like she has been doing this her whole life. The High Sparrow (who looks like he has at least washed his face now) asks her why she hadn’t slept with Tommen yet and that they need an heir, and if I’m Margaery, I’m like, the fuck is this WE shit? Shit changes tho, when the High Sparrow is like, you need to convert your grandmother or else, her safety would be in trouble….body and soul. Usually, the High Sparrow is a little more clever with his threats, but he obviously feels himself right now and he might as well had just came out and said, we gon’ kill her if she doesn’t fly right. So Margaery gets Lady O to come visit her, with the Septa taking time out of shaming people and whacking them in jail cells to supervise the meeting. Lady O gets some jokes off as she’s known to do, and then tries to figure what was up with Margaery, who does a masterful job of acting like she’s Team Sparrow, but as she convinces Lady O to leave, she slips a note in her hand mad slick-like. Lady O doesn’t say shit, she takes the note and leaves, and the note has a rose on it, which is the sigil of the Tyrells.

But the main event is Cersei, who takes FrankenMountain with her as she goes to see Lady O off, and man……….WOOOOOOOOOOOO. Lady O spent her remaining screen time in this episode just spittin’ those BARS at Cersei, blaming the shit all on her, telling her that she remembers that smile Cersei hit when Loras and Margaery were captured, that Cersei might die outchea in these streets because she’s surrounded by enemies and that Cersei’s defeat is the only good thing to come from all this. Shit was so venomous…..and the best part is that Cersei couldn’t say shit because all of it is true. Like…..ALL of it. I still need Cersei to get this revenge, but she has to die immediately after that. Such is life in the world of Game Of Thrones.

-Move on to Riverrun, where Jaime and Bronn are marching on his orders to take it back from Brynden Tully, better known as the Blackfish. It’s always fun to have Jaime and Bronn together because funny and sarcastic Jaime is the best Jaime. When he gets with Cersei, she brings him down and that works for her, but not him. They get to Riverrun and the Freys are tryna get Blackfish outta the castle, bringing out Edmure Tully, threatening to hang him and then stab him. Blackfish is like, man, g’head, I don’t even like that dude. And they don’t even do anything. Jaime is disgusted and tells them all to kick rocks, and even backhands a mufucka to let ’em know it’s real. He sets up a meeting with Blackfish and tells him that all will be good if he gives up the castle, but Blackfish says he has two years worth of food and is ready to die for this, and he asks Jaime if he has two years before walking away. Goddamn, that’s thorough.

So I guess Jaime will lead the crew to the doors, and then Brienne comes outta nowhere, since Sansa sent her down there in the first place? That reunion is about to be GOOD. And Bronn might get jealous as he thought he was Jaime’s #1 road dog, but he DOES NOT want those problems with Brienne. But that’s my guess.

-Quick stop in with Theon and Yara, who after making their getaway from the Iron Island, they stopped at a brothel, which could be a buffet of Theon dick jokes if you wanted. Shit, Yara made a couple and Theon was like, man, come on, and she was like, fine. But she made him drink ale and basically told him that if he’s going to roll with her, he needs to suck it up and for lack of a better phrase, get some balls about him (although he might still have those….y’all know what the fuck I mean). The title of the episode, I think, is about Theon, who has been broken down as much as anyone in this show (it could also be about the Hound, I guess). And besides, she needs him because Yara’s plan is to holla at Dany and team up because she has the ships, and Dany has everything else. She was one of many that heard Euron’s plan and was like, that’s not half bad. I hope she goes about it better than he is planning on doing.

-Up in the North, Jon, Sansa and Davos are going around, tryna find troops to fight the Boltons. They get the wildlings on board because as Tormund says, yo, he ACTUALLY DIED because the Night’s Watch didn’t want them there. Also, Ramsay will kill them after they kill the Night’s Watch, which is true. They go to House Mormont, which is now led by Lyanna Mormont (named after Sansa’s aunt, Ned’s sister and the center of a thousand theories that I don’t care about), who is 10 years old and a feisty little queen, but I suppose to have to be. She shoots down Jon and Sansa, who try to butter her up, but then Davos steps up with a monster of a speech that basically says, for all of this shit, none of it matters because the White Walkers are coming and we’ll have your back then if you have ours now. Lyanna says cool, and as soon as she was done, I thought to myself, this shit is about to be for 100 fighting men. I was optimistic about that…..they have 62 men. But hey, 62 is better than none, and certainly better than what they received at House Glover, who hit them with that “NOAP” and he only let them in because of Ned’s name. Also, Robb Stark didn’t help them when the Iron rolled through and crushed their buildings, so yeah, fuck ’em. Aye dogg, the game is the game. Sansa wants to hold off on attacking Winterfell and Jon is like, nah, we gotta do it now. So we end with Sansa, writing a letter to someone. My money is on Littlefinger, who did say that he had people to back up Sansa if need be and while Sansa threatened his life last time they spoke, at this point, she doesn’t have much of a choice.

-And finally, we get to Braavos, where Arya is tryna figure out a way to get outta there. She bribes a sailor and the plan is to leave at dawn, and she’s walking away and smiling, and we all got a feeling in the pit of our stomachs, didn’t we? And as soon as that old woman approached her, we all knew how this was going down, right? The old woman turns into the Waif and stabs Arya like, 4 or 5 times in the gut, and Arya shoves her away and falls over a bridge into a river. The Waif walks away, which doesn’t seem like something she would do, and Arya pops up out of the water. She manages to get back to the streets, where she is stumbling around and holding her stomach, and I’m like, yo, can SOMEONE fuckin’ help this little bleeding girl or nah? Braavos is a shitty, shitty place, bruh. At this point, I just want Arya to get outta there, go back and get that revenge later, but right now, you ain’t built for this. And what’s with the Waif carrying a nail file to a fight? That knife was little as shit.

So, we have three episodes left in Season 6 and this was a solid episode, directed by Mark Mylod, who did “The High Sparrow” and “Sons Of The Harpy” from Season 5. He’ll direct next week’s as well, which is called “No One”, so Arya is about to be featured. I’m also waiting on the riot/party/fight in Riverrun with Jaime, Bronn, Brienne and Blackfish, and Cersei’s trial by combat with the FrankenMountain might be up next week. We’ll probably check in with Dany, who I fuckin’ hope gets to Meereen soon, and that means Tyrion, Varys and new Melisandre. And do we even care about Dorne anymore? I’m good if we never see it again. Anyway, three to go, so let’s enjoy these Game Of Thrones joints.

Game Of Thrones S06E06 – Blood Of My Blood

I bet a lot of y’all had to pull the Wiki up for “Blood Of My Blood”, the beginning of the second half of Game Of Thrones. Bringing back characters from five years ago? I can’t remember what I had for dinner two days ago. Let’s go………..

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-Let’s start where we left off last week, with Meera dragging Bran’s vision-havin’ ass through the snow away from all the wights and the White Wakers. Shoutout to Hodor keeping them at bay long enough that they got a decent headstart, because they were surprisingly far enough from the Raven Cave. Meera would be a Crossfit master, I bet. While this is happening, Bran is having all sorts of visions, ones of the Mad King yelling “burn them all!”, the Red Wedding, the battle at Hardhome, the Iron Throne and I think Jaime was in there, maybe Cersei, too. Eventually, she gets tired and collapses as the cold-zombie gang (thanks, Milli) showed up and lo and behold, dude comes outta nowhere on a horse and starts whippin’ ass, and throws Bran and Meera on his horse to escape. When they get a safe place, which I still don’t get because as the man himself says, “the dead don’t stop” (or something along those lines), Meera asks why he helped them as the man is cracking open a rabbit head and pouring the blood out. He says he was sent by the Three-Eyed Raven who lives again, which wakes up Bran out of his trance. Then he takes off his mask and Bran sees its his uncle Benjen, who we haven’t seen since Jon got to the Wall in Season 1. You might not recognize him because, well, it was back in Season 1, and his face is probably more blue than you remember. That’s because, he says, he was stabbed by a White Walker, but the Children of the Forest saved him with their magic, so he’s only part-wight, I would assume the good part, though. He tells Bran that he’s the Three-Eyed Raven now and he has to take on the White Walkers. If Bran is gon’ do this, he has to learn to control this whole vision-havin’ shit. Hodor is gone, bruh, and Meera can’t be carryin’ you around on this sled. Anyway, cool scene and reintroduces Benjen back to the story, although there is probably more to it than he says. And back to Bran’s visions, I think that’s the first time we’ve ever seen the Mad King. There should be a webseries on how mad he is, featuring the Mad Rapper.

-Sam and Gilly are on their way to Horn Hill, where Sam grew up, and Sam says they should tell his family that Little Sam is his son, and that she can’t tell anyone he is a wildling because his pops hates wildlings. Gilly is asking a lot of questions, and I feel like she needs to just fall back and do what needs to be done to get this roof and this food. We meet Sam’s moms and his sister, who tries to tell Sam that she’s supposed to marry someone or other, but her moms tells her to be quiet. Later at dinner, they’re eating and Sam tells his father that the plan is to become a maester and go back to Castle Black. His father proceeds to just destroy him, calling him fat and all sorts of shit, and Gilly steps up, telling him that Sam killed a White Walker, which gives away the fact that Sam met her further north of the Wall. His father, Randyll, continues to berate them and his wife, Melessa, gets up to leave because well, her husband is an asshole. She takes her daughter (Talla) and Gilly, while Randyll tells Sam that Gilly can stay and work in the kitchen, and Little Sam will be a bastard, but Sam gotta go. Sam apologizes to Gilly later and tries to leave, but he turns around and is like, nah, we all goin’. But as they prepare to leave, he takes Heartsbane, a Valyrian sword that belongs to his family. That sword is big as shit, like, Brienne-sized. Sam might need to make a Bran-sled to carry that shit. But I bet it’ll come in handy at some point.

-Over in King’s Landing, Tommen and the High Sparrow are talking about Margaery’s Walk of Atonement, and Tommen goes to see her. Margaery is surprisingly not bitter at the High Sparrow and kinda admitting to all these sins, including not being a good queen to the poor,, and Tommen is like, uh, I didn’t expect that at all….but he kinda fucks with it. That being said, I think something is up because Margaery is her grandmother’s granddaughter. Mace Tyrell is bringing the troops to the city, where they meet up with Jaime. They get to the Great Sept, where Margaery is about to walk the streets, but everyone is there, including Lady O, who is just fanning herself all elegantly, but with the stankest look on her face because well, the streets probably smell awful. Look at all the dirty mufuckas waiting for Margaery to make that walk. Dicks were already out, mufuckas had poop in their hands, ready to throw. But there is Jaime, telling the High Sparrow to let Margaery and Loras go or it’s gon’ be a fight, and the High Sparrow replies that his crew is ready to die like Biggie, and they wanna die, which is kinda fucked, but look at this guy. Then he says that the Walk has been cancelled and the citizens are like, WELL WHY DO I HAVE FECES IN MY HAND? Then Tommen walks out with his guards to join the High Sparrow and Margaery, and tells everyone that the throne and the faith are now a power couple. Jaime doesn’t know what’s going on, and neither does Mace, but Lady O said that they’re beaten. Shit gets worse as Tommen strips Jaime of the Kingsguard, even though Jaime has been doing this since before he was born, and if I were Jaime, I’d just blurt, BITCH, I’M YOUR FATHER. Tommen then tells Jaime that he’ll be moving away from King’s Landing in lieu of not having to go to the dungeons or anything like that. I don’t know why they didn’t just roll through the Sparrows. They have batons; y’all have swords. Although I suppose the Kingsguard is now aligned with them. Man……Tommen might be the worst king of them all, and that’s saying a whole helluva lot for Game Of Thrones. Someone asked me if it’s a good thing that the king and the High Sparrow are joining forces. I haven’t watched five-plus seasons of this shit for the High Sparrow to be runnin’ anything. And shoutout to whoever it was on Twitter that called that dude “Dirty Bernie Sanders” (I tried to find it on Twitter and you’d be surprised at how many tweets contain those three words, but not in this context and that is a conversation for another day). That shit was GREAT.

So Jaime runs to Cersei because he doesn’t wanna go and help Walder Frey take back Riverrun as Tommen has commanded, and he wants to find Bronn to get a crew together and kill the High Sparrow. Cersei tells him that he’ll be dead before that happened and that would ruin everything, so he should go to Riverrun and flex that Lannister muscle. Jaime continues to sulk and says that he wants to be there for her trial, but Cersei say that it’s a trial by combat and she has FrankenMountain, so she’s good……so obviously, he’s gon’ die. How do you kill a monster that is already dead? I have a feeling we’re about to find out. Anyway, they kiss and I keep forgetting about the incest

-Arya is watching the rest of the play, and we get there as fake Tyrion is poisoning fake Joffrey. She is laughing and as I’ve heard from a couple podcasts over the week, this is probably the first that Arya is hearing about any of this. But she does feel some kinda way about fake Cersei, who is quite sad about her son dying, but Arya has a job and that is to kill her, so she goes backstage (security SUCKS at these plays) and gets caught by Lady Crane. She talks to Lady Crane and the two kinda get along, and Arya suggest to her that the real Cersei wouldn’t be sad, she would want revenge, which is absolutely not wrong. Lady Crane takes her suggestion to the writer of the play, who is basically like, fuck your opinion, and as Lady Crane goes to drink the poison Arya put into her rum, Arya knocks it out of her hand and tells her that her understudy, Bianca, wants her dead. This was alluded to last week, and this week as Lady Crane was reciting her line, and you see Bianca offstage, mouthing the same lines. But while all this is going on, the Waif sees everything…..who in the fuck is running security at these plays? Can anyone walk in the back? Anyway, the Waif runs to tell Jaqen and says Arya wasn’t ready and needs to die, and Jaqen says not to allow her to suffer. Meanwhile, Arya goes to get Needle and goes to sleep, although she has to know that there is no sleep and something is about to happen. Good, because this storyline needs to end soon and I can’t WAIT For Arya to fuck ol’ girl up.

-Walder Frey is back in the house as we haven’t seen him since shortly after the Red Wedding. His sons tell him that Brynden has taken Riverrun, and he chastises them for losing him at the Red Wedding in the first place; Brynden was the one that went outside to pee right before the doors closed on Robb and Catelyn. There are also a couple more houses that are going against the Freys, along with the Brotherhood Without Banners, who are basically a rebel army for the people that was kinda created by Ned Stark back in the day. But Walder tells them that he has a plan, and that plan is to bring out Edmure Tully, who Frey has had since the Red Wedding, which was Edmure’s wedding to Roslin Frey. The plan is to trade Edmure for Riverrun, but we all know Walder is a dick and has no intentions of living up to this deal. This is the same dude that killed the Starks after sharing his food and his house with him, so yeah, he gives not a single, solitary fuck about honor. I thought it was Crastor, Gilly’s FatherBabyDaddy, because he slapped that little girl in the ass, but I was corrected that it wasn’t. I can’t keep all the incest and pedophilia straight on this show.

-Finally, Dany, Daario and her new-old-new army of Dothraki are walking through the desert, and Dany is wondering how many ships she’ll need to get everyone back to Westeros. This includes the Dothraki, the Unsullied, the Second Sons, Tyrion, Varys, Melisandre Part 2 and her crew that Dany doesn’t even know she has yet, all of Bad Boy AND Death Row Records, all them mufuckas. Daario is like, about a thousand, so basically however many ships Euron Greyjoy plans on building. Then, Dany tells Daario to chill, she gotta go see something, and she takes a while, and Daario is like, I’m go get her. But he stops when he sees a big-ass shadow, and then you hear the shriek……DRAGON SHRIEK. Dany comes in flying on Drogon’s back, but I’m wondering if Dany fed the horse to Drogon? She left on a white horse and comes back on a mufuckin’ dragon. Anyway, she gives the Dothraki a rousing speech and says that the entire khalasar are her bloodriders, instead of the usual trio. The Dothraki are ready to ride for Dany and roll through the armies of the Seven Kingdoms, and yes, Dany, we’re ready, too. But we’ve heard this before. Stop fuckin’ around and go get this throne.

“Blood Of My Blood” was a fine episode, probably not the strongest of the season, but it sets up for the next four episodes. Benjen probably has to help Bran do more Raven training, while Brynden is about to be brought into a lot of shit with the Freys hollerin’ at him, and the Sansa/Jon army will be coming, too. Dany is about to fall ass backwards into a shitload of ships one way or another. And oh yeah, I won’t say it here, but you can find the remaining episode titles on the internet. Episode 9, bruh…..episode 9.

Four more to go……….

Game Of Thrones S06E04 – Book Of The Stranger

I bet y’all were pretty excited for this episode of Game Of Thrones. I was initially as well. And as always, it was a great episode. But some of your favorites, one in particular, I’m not really impressed with what they pulled off in “Book Of The Stranger”. Let’s go.

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-Let’s start at the Vale, where we get the return of Littlefinger, and he is greeted by Robin Arryn, who would still be breastfeeding as a teenager if Littlefinger ain’t push his mother out the moon door. Littlefinger accuses Lord Yohn Royce (thank you, GOT Wikia, because I ain’t know this dude’s name at all) of snitching on Sansa’s location to the Boltons, and after giving Robin a pet falcon for his birthday (good luck tryna tame that, homie), he puts Royce’s life on the line. Robin suggests the moon door for Royce, and Littlefinger knows that he can suggest anything and Robin will listen, so instead, he gets Royce to pledge his loyalty to House Arryn in exchange for not dying. Then Littlefinger suggests to Robin that they rally the troops and head to the Wall, where Sansa has probably hollered at Jon, and Robin’s dumb ass is like, sure, bruh. Littlefinger is so underrated. How many major plots has he been behind without anyone knowing? He might be the most ambitious character in Game Of Thrones….and now he has an army. Shoutout to him knowing where Sansa would go, too.

-Up at the Wall, Edd is tryna persuade Jon to stay on as Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, but Jon is like, nah, it said that if I gave my life, my watch has ended…..mufuckas ain’t say shit about coming back to life, and loopholes are a bitch, ain’t they? But just then, the gates open for Sansa, Brienne and Pod, and when Sansa and Jon see each other, it’s pretty dope since they’ve both been through a lot. But, that being said, Sansa admits she was awful to Jon when they were children because he was a bastard. That’s why he is hesitant when Sansa unfurls her plan to take back Winterfell from the Boltons, using the wildlings. Jon is like, well, one, I’ve killed a buncha people and I’m tired, and two, you were really an asshole to me growing up. He didn’t even like Winterfell; he volunteered to go to the Night’s Watch if I remember correctly. So why in the hell should he help Sansa? Because he’s Jon Snow and honorable and all that bullshit. And you know that he will, so don’t be pressed. And it happens later as Ramsay sends a letter to the Wall, telling Jon that he has Rickon in a dungeon and if Sansa isn’t returned to him, he’s killing the wildlings, let his boys run trains on Sansa, and feeding Rickon to the dogs. I wonder if Ramsay has a ghostwriter, because those bars he dropped were fearsome, yet elegant, and he kept hittin’ Jon with that “bastard” like he was Cam’ron, ending each bar with the same word (just trust me on this one, shoutout to Dip Set). So obviously, Sansa convinces Jon to roll out with the wildlings and ask some people around the North as there are about 2,000 of them, and about 5,000 of Ramsay. So your favorite, Jon Snow, will be the one to take down Ramsay. Which is fine. He obviously isn’t going to die again. Special honorable mention in this scene is Tormund, eatin’ chicken and lookin’ at Brienne with fuck-me eyes and Brienne is so uncomfortable that she might fight him….then they’ll end up having all of the sex. And we’ll see it, too. I’ll watch it, too. That shit will be good and gross.

Then there is Davos talking to Melisandre, who says that she’ll listen to only Jon, and she won’t tell him what happened to Shireen because, yeah Davos, Stannis sacrificed ya little buddy. But Brienne rolls up on them to say that she remembers Renly being killed by Melisandre’s vagina shadow monster (you come up with a better name for it), that she doesn’t forgive or forget, and she killed Stannis after he admitted to killing Renly with blood magic. Melisandre better at least let Brienne get some before she brings out the VSM again.

-Quickly, in the Iron Islands, Theon finds his way back to Yara, who is grieving their father, and she goes on him about how she brought men to get him away from Ramsay and they died. Theon says that he was broken into a thousand pieces, and he’s right, and she thinks that he wants to come back and claim the throne. Theon might want it eventually, but not right now, and that he’s willing to help her take the throne. Meh. They’ll probably end up helping Jon against Ramsay. They better or they don’t really serve much of a purpose.

-Speaking of our lovable Ramsay, he calls for Osha, ol’ girl that was riding with Rickon. He’s peeling an apple, and you should just assume that something is happening in his scene. She talks shit about the Starks, and tries to seduce Ramsay by straddling him and putting her hand down his pants, and Ramsay plays along, but he tells her that she pulled this shit with Theon to get Bran and Rickon out of Winterfell. She tries to stab him with a knife and he gets her first, stabbing her in the neck. Point of this scene? If you ain’t know by now, Ramsay Bolton ain’t playin’. Also, if you didn’t know that by now, you should just stop watching Game Of Thrones.

-Let’s hit King’s Landing. That big-ass nun opens Margaery’s cell and takes her to the High Sparrow, and Margaery wants to see Tommen and her family, but he’s like, NAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. He tells her some story about when he used to party and sin, and I bet he was buck wild when he partied, doing lines off strippers and shit. He came to some awakening while this was happening and found the Faith of the Seven, and I blanked out when he was speaking, once again. But he is impressed that she knows the Book of the Stranger, which sounds like a sex move, and takes her to see her brother Loras, who is just a damn mess. Margaery tries to tell him to be strong and he’s like, nah, bruh, we gotta make this stop. That’s all he kept saying. What in the hell are they doing to him?

Then we head over to the Red Keep, where Cersei finds Pycelle with Tommen, and he wants Tommen to give in to the High Sparrow. Cersei ain’t about that at all and gets Pycelle outta here, and he slowly shuffles outta the room, staring at Cersei the whole way. That shuffle was good, bruh. That’s how I figure I’ll be moving when I get that age. Anyway, Tommen says he talked to the High Sparrow and Cersei was like, dammit, they got to him, and she’s like, nah, you’re the King, they humiliated your mother and your wife is next. We gotta go at his head. Then Cersei, with Jaime, heads over to the Small Council, where Uncle Kevan and Lady O are chillin’, and it’s all fun and games partyin’ on Cersei until she tells them that Margaery is next for the walk of atonement, and yo…..if you have it recorded, or you can find it, just pause it when the camera switches to Lady O. I swear to God, she wanted to take her earrings off and be like, not my damn grandbaby, OH HELL NO. So they convince her to get her big-ass army, come in and roll over the Sparrows while the Baratheon/Lannister armies sit back and chill. Cersei also reminds Uncle Kevan that the Sparrows took Lancel, his son, Cersei’s cousin and our introduction to the Sparrows. So now, Cersei has the Tyrell army and FrankenMountain. GODDAMN, A LOTTA PEOPLE ARE ABOUT TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE.

-Meereen is next, and Tyrion is backed up by Grey Worm and Missandei, meeting with the Masters of Yunkai, Astapor and Volantis. Grey Worm wants to fight, but yo, we saw y’all against the Sons of the Harpys last season; for being such great fighters, y’all let a buncha cilivians punk you, bruh. But Tyrion suggests that, maybe, they ease the abolishing of slavery, giving the Masters seven years to get out of the game. Missandei and Grey Worm aren’t really happy about this, they do put on a united front with Tyrion, who also gives women to the Masters to persuade them. I’m not really sure what Tyrion’s plan is here, and it seems like a really bad move. But again, dragons listen to him, so if push comes to shove, he has that. They all just need to get outta there, I’m getting pretty tired of Meereen.

-Finally, we’re in Vaes Dothrak, where Jorah and Daario figure out where Dany is. Daario is tryna make jokes about how Dany picked him, and Jorah is like, man, we ain’t got time for that petty shit right now. I think the old Daario could pull off not being a dickbutt…..this dude, I’m just waiting for him to die. Jorah convinces him to leave his weapons outside because you can’t carry weapons in the city, but just then, Daario sees the Greyscale infection on Jorah’s arm. Jorah says he’s fine and it hasn’t touched Daario, but I bet Daario will stop being petty now. So they sneak into the city at night and two Dothraki see them. Jorah tries to lie and say they’re merchants, but they just end up killing them because Jorah is a terrible liar. They even smash one dude’s head with a rock to make it seem like they didn’t bring it weapons, but I don’t think that really makes a difference. Cover your bases, tho, I guess.

Dany is chillin’ with the rest of the Khal widows, and the High Priestess is tryna talk to Dany, who doesn’t really care and excuses herself to go pee. She gets an escort, a lhazareen (not super important) whose khal died when she was 16. But they’re met by Jorah and Daario, who put a knife to her throat, but Dany is like, nah, calm down, she’s with me, she’s good. They want her to leave, but Dany knows that they probably won’t make it out alive, so she has a plan. Then there is the khalar vezhven, which is basically where all the khals meet to talk about stuff, and they’re tryna figure out what to do with her. A couple of them want to use her as a rape toy because that’s kinda what they do. Some want to make her their khaleesi, and some want to ransom her to the Wise Masters, who have a price on her head. Then Dany pipes up with, what about what I want, and they all look at her like she put an algebraic formula up on a blackboard, like, what do you mean? The Dothraki aren’t really here for the feelings of women; they lock them up in a temple when their khal dies, for fuck sakes. So Dany tells them that she doesn’t think any of them are fit to lead the Dothraki, but she is. They all laugh and the one that found her, Moro, says that she will indeed become a rape toy for not only the khals, but their bloodriders and then, their horses. Dany looks at him like, “O RLY”, and puts her hand in the middle, like, a torch or something (it’s called a brazier, it holds hot coals). She proceeds to burn the entire place down, and the place goes up fast as shit. Rod from The Black Guy Who Tips had the tweet of the night: “What the fuck? Is this place made of gasoline?” (y’all should check out the TBGWT podcast recaps for Game Of Thrones. They come out every Wednesday and they’re the best). She looks Moro dead in his eyes before throwing the last brazier on him, and everyone starts running towards the temple outside. Then, out comes naked Dany (no, I don’t know if it was a body double and I honestly don’t care. It’s the internet. I can see titties any time I want. Stop being pressed), walking out of the temple, and everyone starts bowing. Jorah and Daario are the last ones to bow, and Daario is confused because Jorah was there when she walked out of the pyre in, what, Season 1? He’s never seen anything like this and Dany looks at him like, mufucka, you BETTER get on your knees.

So, here is my thing with this: I’ve been riding with the Stormborn Gang for a long time now, basically since she walked out that pyre. I fucks with Dany, that’s my dogg. And cool, now she has another army. But what is this, army #3? She has had the Dothraki before through Drogo, then she bought the Unsullied, then she has the slaves willing to ride for her (although they’re not really fuckin’ with her right now). It seems like I’m forgetting one, as well. Point is, Dany has had backing before, but she has to make a decision: does she want to be a slave liberator, or does she want her throne back? Being a slave freer is fine and noble and all…..but this is a television show and I don’t care about them. Use all these people, go get your dragons, and stop playing Harriet Tubman. I’m happy she did this and all, but we’ve seen it before. Fucking DO SOMETHING WITH IT.

So next week, we need to get back to Bran, so he can finally confirm who is in the tower and storylines can start coming together. We’ll get back to Arya, I would assume, and probably Jon going around with his hand out, tryna build an army to go after Ramsay, which is also where Littlefinger comes in. I’m also ready to see Lady O get the Sparrows outta here, because I’m about done with them; they’re the only time I kinda zone out and not pay attention. Oh, and Dany and ’em should start making their way back to Meereen, and Tyrion’s deal will get thrown in the bushes, because the Dothraki will just kill everyone who opposes her. That was a nice GOT debut from Daniel Sackheim, who directed the last two episodes. Next up is Mark Mylod, who did “High Sparrow” and “Sons of the Harpy” from last season. He’ll take over the next two episodes. Almost at the halfway point; everyone is on the chess board now.

Game Of Thrones S06E03 – Oathbreaker

Game Of Thrones had a lot to live up to after last week’s “Home“, which got a lot of people excited. They had to take their foot off the gas a little after that, but “Oathbreaker” was still a beast of an episode and put a few more pieces on the chess board, including one HUGE piece (or a prelude to the piece). Let’s go……….

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-I think I’ma continue the storyline-by-storyline format instead of scene-by-scene. I think it’s easier to follow and it’s easier for me to write. Again, shoutout to the GOT Wikia.

-Let’s start with Dany, who is being led by the Dothraki to Vaes Dothrak, or the House of 1000 Widows. She gets to the temple and the dosh khaleen, who is the queen of the widows, apparently, gets her naked and gives her another robe. Dany comes with her gang of nicknames, AKA Mother of Dragons, AKA Daenerys Stormborn blah blah blah and the dosh khaleen ain’t tryna hear that shit at all. The dosh khaleen tells Dany that she was in her position, and here she is. Now she has to wait until the khalasars figure out what to do with Dany because she bailed on the Dothraki after Drogo died. Meh. It’ll be all fun and games until the dragons come….and the dragons will come. One thing GOT is good at, is not stretching shit out too long and getting down to business, so that should be soon.

-Meanwhile in Meereen, Varys has a little chat with Vala, the prostitute that helped the Sons of the Harpy come in and wreck shop last season. He basically tells her to snitch on who is funding them, or she’ll die, which leaves her son as an orphan. In return, he’ll hook her up with silver and a boat to a new life, so the deal that he tried to give Shae, Tyrion’s (and Tywin) old squeeze. Then he goes to meet Tyrion, who has been tryna engage Grey Worm and Missandei in conversation, but it ain’t workin’. All Grey Worm wants to do is talk about work (we all know someone like that), and Missandei isn’t about that small-talk life, either, nor do they play drinking games, which is what Tyrion really wants to do because he’s a Lannister, although to be fair, we’ve only seen Tyrion and Cersei have a love for the wine.

Varys returns to tell them that the Sons of the Harpy are being funded by Yunkai, Astapor and Volantis; the first two are cities that Dany “freed” (Yunkai is the place where they passed Dany around like she was crowd-surfing and calling her “Mhysa”; Astopor is the place with the slaves nailed to crosses), and Volantis is where Jorah kidnapped Tyrion and took him to Dany. Anyway, they’re all coming together to fight Dany, who isn’t even there anymore, and Grey Worm wants to fight, obviously, but Missandei is against it because Meereen would be vulnerable. Tyrion says they have to think about it, but he asks Varys to send his little birds to send a message to those three cities. Solid scene, especially Tyrion tryna get Grey Worm and Missandei to be normal. They’re so dedicated to the way of life they’re in, it’s not like they’re tryna be assholes to Tyrion; they just don’t know how to shoot the shit, which is basically Tyrion’s life. But yeah, again, like above, it’ll be all fun and games until the dragons come out.

-The aforementioned little birds are actually children, and Qyburn is tryna get him on his side by giving them candy plums in exchange for “whispers”, or information. Cersei walks in with Jaime and FrankenMountain, and she tells Qyburn to get info on everyone who wants to take the Lannisters down, so basically everyone. She wants to know where the mufuckas were that were shaking their dicks at her, and throwing shit at her, the mufuckas that killed her daughter, people in the North that probably weren’t even thinking about her, but they’re gon’ get it, too. This is what I’m here for: the revenge of Cersei. Then they go to the Small Council meeting, and people aren’t happy about the FrankenMountain thing, partly because it’s kinda weird, and partly because they’re all afraid. So of course, Cersei and ’em walk in, and Lady Olenna Tyrell is back in the house, dropping some BARS on Cersei about how she might not know what it means to be the queen because she isn’t married to the king and quite frankly, the Lannisters are about that incest life. I had to pause it after she dropped that because of laughing…..Lady O is the fuckin’ best. Anyway, Lady O wants Margaery and Loras out, while Cersei and Jaime want revenge on the Sparrows, the Sand Snakes, anyone. But the Council, led by Uncle Kevan Lannister, decide to get up and leave. This is not gon’ make Cersei any happier, I’ll tell you that. At least she went in with a little respect before she just starts fuckin’ shit up. Because she WILL fuck shit up.

Then you have Tommen, who tries to bully the High Sparrow into letting Cersei see Myrcella’s final resting place. The High Sparrow says no, she hasn’t atoned fully yet and then proceeds to talk Tommen in circles about some shit that I don’t really care about. All I was thinking was, yo, KILL THIS DUDE. I’ve said this before, but one thing about Joffrey is that all this Sparrow shit would have been over a long time ago. What is this negotiation shit? But I guess it’s to make a distinction between the throne and the faith. I know Cersei won’t be happy when Tommen returns. He is so not built for this. This whole scene was the worst part of the episode. He really needs to go to Varys for some negotiation training, if this is how he’s gon’ go about it.

-Let’s go to Braavos, where Arya is continuing her training, and she’s gettin’ all kinds of fucked up by the Waif, who is asking her questions about her former life, which includes her family, the Hound, her death list, all that. But in true montage fashion (she is also mixing potions blindly), Arya finally gets better and can defend herself, and by the end of it, she even gets to hit the Waif. Jaqen comes in and the Waif goes away, and if I’m Arya, I’m now plotting to fuck her up in her sleep. Like, the worst shit I can think of. Anyway, Jaqen says she’ll have her sight back if she tells him her name and Arya says a girl has no name, which is getting old. Then he tells her to drink a bowl of water, the same shit that Arya has watched kill people, but Jaqen says that if she is no one, she has nothing to fear. She drinks it, the camera zooms in on her face and I’m like, BOOM, eyes…..and her eyes come back. Sure, it was predictable, but I’m down with Arya the Assassin, so it’s all good. So now, the question is, who is he training her to kill? The people on her list? Someone who has done him wrong in the past? Who would that even be? I guess we’ll see, but I’ll follow Arya fuckin’ people up.

-Next is Winterfell, where Ramsay is met by a fella named Smalljon Umber, who we have never met before. He doesn’t like the Boltons, he calls the late Roose a cunt, not once, but twice and accuses Ramsay of killing Roose, which is damn perceptive. He also says that he would have killed his own father if he had the chance. But he tells Ramsay that the Night’s Watch has let the wildlings past the Wall, and that the North is next, so they should come together. Ramsay says that he should bow to the Boltons and Smalljon is like, fuck all that noise, but I have a gift: he brings in Osha and Rickon, who we haven’t seen since Season 3 before the Red Wedding. Ramsey doesn’t believe that it is Rickon until Smalljon throws down the head of Shaggydog, Rickon’s direwolf. So now Ramsey is sitting pretty because he has the actual Lord of Winterfell in his position, and Rickon doesn’t know what the hell is going on. This might be better than marrying Sansa for Ramsay, and for all Rickon knows, his entire family is dead, so he doesn’t have much of a choice.

-But then we have Bran, who is watching a fight that he has heard about: Ned against the Targaryens at the end of Robert’s Rebellion. Ned is with Howland Reed, the father of Meera, who just in the last episode, said that she didn’t know what Bran needed her for. Long story short, Ned and ’em try to get to this Tower of Joy, and the Targaryen Kingsguard, led by Ser Arthur Dayne and Lord Commander Gerold Hightower. So basically, they gotta fight and the fight is on, eventually down to Ned and Arthur, and Arthur gets the better of Ned, but Howland stabs Arthur in the back of the neck. Ned, being honorable ol’ Ned, doesn’t really like that the dying Howland stepped in, but it is what it is, and he kills Ser Arthur. But then, we hear a woman scream from the tower and Ned goes to see who it is, and Bran (who yells at his father, who turns around as though he heard something) wants to follow him to see who it is, but the three-eyed raven stops the vision. Bran is mad, but the raven says that Bran has to learn everything before he leaves the cave. Sooooooooooooooo……..this is where we get the lowdown on Lyanna Stark, who was present in last week’s flashback with Ned and HodorWylis and such. That has to be her in the tower, and Ned goes to find her…..but I bet she has a baby with her, and I’ve got a pretty good idea on who that baby is. This is some other shit I’ve been waiting to find out, but I wanna let it unfold. Just think about it and I bet we all know who it is.

-Before the main event, I forgot about Sam and Gilly, who are on a boat going to Oldtown, which won’t allow women, so they have to figure that out. But first, Sam has to stop being seasick, because it’s Sam and it’s fitting. Also, Sam steppin’ up to the plate as the “father” of Young Sam or Little Sam or whatever the hell he’s called. Anyway, he’s gon’ take him to his home, Horn Hill, where his mom and sister are nice, but his father, not so much. I honestly forgot about this whole thing, but it’s on the backburner.

-We get to the Wall, where Davos is looking at a breathing and naked Jon like, what in the fuck is going on….she actually did it. Melisandre walks in like, YO I DID IT I FUCKIN TOLD YOU (not really, but you know she wanted to party). She asks him what he saw after he died and he was like, nothing, and she said the Lord of Light brought him back for a reason and he’s like, I have no idea what is going on. She leaves and Davos talks to Jon about all this, about him being dead and not being dead, and it doesn’t matter because he is here now. So Jon puts his gear on and walks out through the people, who all look like they’ve seen a ghost, and Tormund makes a dick joke before giving Jon a hug and Jon is like, yo, I just got stabbed, b, watch yourself. Then he hugs Edd, who went and got the wildlings.

Then the episode ends with Alliser, Olly’s little fuckass, and Alliser’s two homies that were behind the mutiny, and they’re chillin’ in some nooses, about to be hanged. Alliser says he’d make the same choice again because it was either betray the Night’s Watch or betray Jon…..the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. I get what he means, but he needs a speechwriter. Well, he did, before Jon swung that sword and cut the rope to hang the four. He tried to look at Olly and make Olly feel guilty, but Olly is the fucking devil and didn’t care. He was mad at Jon until the second he died, and hey, I guess I give it up to Olly and Alliser dying for what they believed in, no matter how wrong it was. Anyway, Jon takes off his cloak, gives it to Edd, which makes him the Lord Commander, and he says that his watch has ended as Jon walks away. I don’t know where the hell he thinks he’s going. It’s cold as a mufucka up there. But Melisandre and Davos won’t be far behind. Maybe he’ll bump into Sansa along the way because now, the Starks gotta get the band back together and save Rickon from becoming Ramsay’s puppet.

While “Oathbreaker” wasn’t as action-packed as “Home”, it was still pretty damn good, from the Ned fight scene to the hanging, which we all cheered about. But it was a game-changer in the fact that, well, just wait until you see who is in the tower. This is really the only theory I’ve subscribed to in terms of GOT, and they took a huge step in confirming that last night. But I figure next week they’ll get back to Sansa and Brienne, and we gotta figure out where Jon is going. Dorne will probably make an appearance (although I’d be cool with it being skipped), and let’s push along Operation: Get the Sparrows The Fuck Outta here, shall we? Oh, and dragons. Did they get out of the basement yet? Have they eaten? When will they hook up with Drogon and find Dany? Where the hell are Daario and Jorah, even? Still ain’t seen Littlefinger yet. Things are ratcheting up on Game Of Thrones.

Game Of Thrones S06E02 – Home

Normally, I work on Sunday nights, so I just stay off social media for the most part until Monday morning, which is when I’d watch Game Of Thrones. I usually don’t even check my phone, but Raptors Game 7 was on, so I had to and the first message rolled in, like, one minute after the Atlantic time viewing aired. Then, within three minutes of the Mountain time viewing, I got two text messages, one from my roommate, who knows I usually come home, play some FIFA on the PS4 and then go to bed. He texted me a slew of cuss words, a buncha “WOWs” and finished off with “Fuck FIFA, b”. So I broke tradition and watched it when I got home. And yeah……they were all right. “Home” is up there with the very best episodes of Game Of Thrones. Let’s go…..

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-We open with Bran’s big ass, we ain’t seen him in a minute. He is dreaming, watching a scene between his pops, his uncle Benjen, his Aunt Lyanna and Hodor, whose name used to be Wyllis, apparently, and he used to talk. Lyanna is Ned’s sister, and Bran acknowledges that Ned didn’t talk much about her. All we know about her is that she was kidnapped by Rhaegar Targaryen prior to marrying Robert Baratheon, who started a war to find her. She was killed before that, but we don’t know how; I assume we’ll see that through Bran and that would endear the storyline more to me. There is a lot that we don’t know about what happened before GOT started, well, we know what happened, but we didn’t see it….and a lot of stuff we didn’t see will play into what happens in the future. Anyway, the Three-Eyed Raven stops that dream like a mufucka and Bran is carried outside to see Meera, who is told by Leaf, one of the Children of the Forest, that Bran will need her when they get out in these streets. The Raven gotta sort out Bran’s legs, b. Hodor’s back gotta be all fucked up. Anyway, this storyline looks like it’s going to move quickly. I’m really tryna care about it because I know it’ll be important.

-Let’s move to Braavos, where Arya keeps gettin’ fucked up by the Waif, who is not messin’ around. That shit looks like it hurts, and the Waif keeps asking Arya what her name is, and she keeps replying, “no one”. Then Jaqen shows up and he tries to bribe her with things if she says her name: he’ll give her somewhere to sleep, get her some food, even give her sight back, but Arya keeps on with the “no name” shit. So Jaqen is like, come on, and tells Arya to leave her money dish because she isn’t a beggar anymore. So, is he gon’ lead her or what? SHE CAN’T SEE. At least hold her arm or something, give her a walking stick, a dog, something.

-Next, we’ll go to the Iron Islands, where Balon Greyjoy and Yara are tryna figure out their next move as they lost a lot of people at Deepwood Motte, which is close to Winterfell. I don’t know this exactly, but that is what the GOT Wikia is for (if you ever have any questions at all about GOT, just go there). They’re bickering because Balon thinks they would have been fine had Yara not taken men to find Theon, and basically tells her that it doesn’t matter what she thinks, he is the king and she’ll listen, or he’ll make another heir. I don’t know how old he is, but I don’t know how much more time Balon has for heir-making. That being said, old-ass men have gotten women pregnant in this show before. He leaves and starts walking along this messed-up suspension bridge, in the middle of a storm, mind you, and Balon is stopped by a man, who turns out to be his younger brother’s Euron. This is our first time meeting Euron, and we haven’t even heard of him since Season 1, and long story short, he was a pirate who ripped out the tongues of his crew. He calls himself the Drowned God, and I know there is a Based God joke in here somewhere, but I’ll let him cook. He tells Balon that he is too old for this shit now and someone else needs to step up, so when Balon tries to cut him, he tosses his old ass over the bridge. Then they had the funeral, and Balon looked pretty damn good for someone who fells a long way down to some jagged rocks; that’s some good body preservation. Yara thinks she is taking the throne, but Aeron Greyjoy, the youngest Greyjoy brother, says that the Kingsmoot will decide who the next king is, not what Yara thinks Balon would have wanted. She’s right, but the law is the law, and this would be made easier if Balon had a son. If he only had a son…..

-So we move to the North, where Brienne tells Sansa about meeting Arya and Sansa says she should have went with Brienne earlier, but hindsight is 20/20. Then Theon tells Sansa that he is leaving, and he is going home…..where there is an opening for the throne, so keep an eye on that. He tearfully tells her that Brienne and Pod can look after her now, and if he can take a horse to get home. He better hope he gets there without Ramsey and ’em seeing him. So, speaking of Ramsey, Roose is talking to him and Harald Karstark about the Sansa situation, and Ramsey just wants to wild the fuck out and kill everyone, and Roose tells him, if he acts like a wild dog, he will be treated as such by the people. Then a maester comes in to tell Roose that he now has a son from Walda Frey, which puts Ramsey’s spot as the heir on shaky ground. As Ramsey goes to hug his father in congratulations, he stabs him in the stomach, although we all thought, or at least hoped, that it was the other way around. He tells the shocked maester to send out a raven saying that his father was poisoned, while Harald Karstark is in the background like, YUP. He was ready to back Ramsey’s “kill ’em all, sort it out later” plan, so now that shit is in full effect. But wait…….it gets better. Ramsey sends for Walda and his new half-brother, and he says he is taking them to see Roose, but leads them down to where the dogs are, the rabid, hungry, snarling dogs. Walda was like, sooooooooooo, where is your father and quickly realizes, oh shit….yo, I’ll leave and you’ll never hear from us again, while Ramsey is walking around, opening the cages. How many times did you say, “nah, he ain’t gon’ do this…..right? NAH”. We all knew this was coming, that Ramsey was killin’ Walda and the baby if it was a boy, but yo…..he sicced the dogs on ’em, bruh. Too much of a fuckboy to even do it himself. Goddammit, I hate this dude. Joffrey ain’t got SHIT on Ramsey, who owns the top two spots in the “Most Disturbing Shit to Ever Happen on GOT” list. For me, #1 was the Sansa rape, #2 is this, and #3 is Joffrey fuckin’ up Ros with the crossbow in Season 3. The craziest part about Ramsey to me is that we didn’t even see what happened in either of those things, but we know him and possibly worst, we just hear it. Man…..he gotta get fed to those dogs.

-Next, let’s do….ummmmmmm…….let’s do Meereen, where Tyrion is holding court with Varys, Missandei and Grey Worm, who is apparently all sorted out after last season, standing with Barrister Selmy when the Sons of the Harpy attacked. They tell Tyrion that Rhaegal and Viserion haven’t eating since Dany left, so Tyrion is like, well, let’s take them off their chains and get them some food. He asks Missandei if she spent a lot of time with the dragons, who are intelligent and remember who their friends are. So Tyrion and Varys go down where they’re being kept (I thought they’d send Missandei), and Tyrion walks down towards the dragons, who start to move around. Tyrion quietly talks to the dragons, telling them a story of how he wanted one when he was little, and how he cried when his father told him the last dragon had been killed. Then he walks up and unchains both dragons, who are a little edgy and roar a couple times, but overall, they seem to be pretty cool about everything. Tyrion tells Varys as they’re walking away, if he ever has a plan like this again, punch him in the face. Peter Dinklage is the best, man. For all of the great actors and actresses on GOT, he is at the top, he and Lena Headey as Cersei. So, this is lending credence to the theory that Tyrion is a dragonrider, and you can find this theory on the internet somewhere, but basically, Tyrion is half-Targaryen. I could see it. I’m not sure if they’ve ever even seen him before, but they listened to him, so something has to be up with that.

-On to King’s Landing, where this dude is telling a story about showing his junk to Cersei during her walk of shame. He goes out to take a leak, and turns around, and looks up at the person behind him…WAY up, and “person” is debatable. It’s FrankenMountain, who smashes his head up against a wall and that shit bursts like a grapefruit. Cersei and FrankenMountain go to head to Myrcella’s funeral, but they’re stopped by guards who say King Tommen wants her to stay in the Red Keep, which is some cold shit. But it was pretty damn hilarious how the guards all flinched when FrankenMountain reached for his sword. He would have fucked ALL of them up if Cersei wanted it, but she decides to give it up. At the sept, Tommen tells Jaime what we all knew: that he isn’t really about that life and he got scared when the High Sparrow came through with his people. No matter how much you hate him, at least we know that Joffrey wouldn’t have stood for that shit at all. Jaime tells Tommen to go see Cersei when the High Sparrow enters, telling Tommen that he still can’t see Margaery until she confesses. Jaime wants to pull the sword out on the High Sparrow, but then all the Sparrows appear behind Jaime and the High Sparrow explains that they’re nothing on their own, but together, they can overthrow an empire. Lowkey, the Sparrow is a fuckin’ G. He needs to die, but you gotta respect his gangsta. We also got a rundown of all the foul shit Jaime has done, like killing his king, for example. You forget how much shit he has done over the last six-plus seasons. Then we switch to Tommen and Cersei and he apologizes for keeping her holed up. He says he should be strong and he wants to be strong, and hugs Cersei. You can see her wheels are turning because now she has FrankenMountain AND the Kingsguard to take on the Sparrows. Let’s fuckin’ GO. That’s the shit I’m waiting for.

-We end at the Wall, where Alliser tells Davos and ’em that they’ve reached their surrender deadline, and they start knocking the door down. But the wildlings emerge with Edd, led by the giant, who looks at a mufucka that shoots him with an arrow. He takes that dude, smacks him up against a wall and throws him on the ground and the Night’s Watch is all FUCK THIS, and they lay down their weapons. They take Alliser and Olly (fuck that little treacherous bastard, I forgot to say that last week) to the cells. Then Tormund, the red-headed wildling, sees that Jon is dead and starts to get wood for body-burning, while Davos goes to Melisandre, who is down in the dumps, but looking like her regular self. As I said, Davos gives Melisandre that pep talk and is like, I know you can bring a mufucka back, can you at least try? Melisandre isn’t feelin’ it as everything she said about Stannis didn’t come true (he’s coming back, mark my words). But she tries, and chants some ol’ bullshit to Jon’s body, but he doesn’t revive and everyone leaves…..slooooooooooowly. I just kept watching the screen because you knew what was coming after everyone left, and as soon as Ghost started to stir, you knew it was coming. Y’all happy now? Ya man is back. He took that big-ass breath and shit. I’ll give them one thing, they didn’t waste any time. I said he’d be back, maybe, at the end of the season, definitely next season. Two episodes and he was back. Now, all we need to do is find Dany and we have the dragonriders outchea.

Everything about this episode was damn near perfect, the way it was shot, the writing (not written by David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, but Dave Hill, who wrote “Sons of the Harpy” from last season) and directing (directed by Jeremy Podeswa, who directed last week, along with “Kill The Boy” and “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken“, aka the Sansa rape, from last season), everything. Things are starting to pick up as we get closer to the finish line, and I’m ready for that. Next week, I assume we’ll see some Dany stuff, we still haven’t seen Littlefinger in a while and I’m anxious to see if Sansa goes to him (or if Ramsey pays him a visit, wherever he is) and mufuckas gotta start heading to Dorne. Oh, and Jon Snow, I guess. I’d laugh really hard if we ain’t see him for like, two episodes. Y’all would be so mad.

It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if this episode was nominated for an Emmy for something….and this is Episode 2. Buckle the fuck up.

Game Of Thrones S05E10 – Mother’s Mercy

Game Of Thrones had large shoes to fill for the Season 5 finale as they not only had to follow Season 4’s beast of a final episode but they’ve been on a stunning run over the last few weeks after a subpar first half. Did “Mother’s Mercy” satisfy? I’d go so far as to say it was the best finale in the history of the series. Let’s go (shoutout to Mel for the picture, we all know it’s true, too)…..

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-Melisandre is so happy because the ice is melting, which means Stannis and his army can continue to march towards Winterfell, so that makes burning Shireen last week all good, right? Not so much. Stannis ain’t tryna hear anything she has to say, then he learns that half of the army he’d amassed bailed because of the Shireen thing, then he gets called out to the woods because Selyse hung herself over her newfound maternal guilt. Good. I ain’t like her anyway. But Stannis decides they’re still going to march, because dammit, all these people didn’t die for nothing….or did they? Stannis is so damn stubborn, b.

-Jon is describing what he saw at Hardhome to Sam, who asks Jon if he can go study to be a maester at Oldtown with Gilly and her baby, which you get the feeling is why he really wants to leave. Jon says to Sam that the Citadel is another place where he won’t be allowed to be with women and Sam was like, too late for that, playboy and hits this smirk that might have been the most humorous moment of the episode. They both broke that fuckass “no sex” rule, and both were with wildlings. That’s why everyone is so mad up at Castle Black. Ain’t no one fuckin’.

-Stannis and his sorry army are slothing towards Winterfell with their tattered flags and like, 45 people, then we cut to Sansa picking the lock to get of her room with the corkscrew she stole a couple episodes ago while she was walking with Ramsey, then of course SHE DROPS THE CORKSCREW. Much like Sam and the dragonglass, Sansa must have figured, hey, I don’t need that anymore. Anyway, she rushes through the courtyard to the tower in which she was to light the candle. Meanwhile, Pod Da Gawd sess Stannis and ’em rolling towards Winterfell and drops his rabbits and firewood, even though he was like, 20 steps from Brienne, who is waiting to see the candle. So of course, she obviously leaves like, 14 seconds before Sansa lights the candle. Sansa might have the worst luck of anyone that is still alive on Game Of Thrones. But shoutout to her, I never thought she’d even make it up the tower.

-Stannis is formulating a plan with his army, when they see in the distance that the Boltons aren’t waiting for them; they’re taking the fight to Stannis, who is like, you GOTTA be fuckin’ kidding me. Sansa is also looking out of the tower window at this like, it’s about to go down. Now, it was said that Dany was resigning herself to death and not summoning Drogon in “Dance With Dragons“? Nah, Stannis’ look is the look of someone resigning himself to death because it’s like, 1,000 against 12 people and they’re not going to win. At all. Ever. But Stannis being Stannis, he pulls out his sword and gets to fighting.

-We see half a man crawling on the ground as the fight doesn’t last very long, I assume. Stannis is wounded, but pressing on and he takes down two Bolton soldiers, but he suffers another wound and basically lays against a tree to die. Up walks Brienne, who tells Stannis who she is and that she saw Melisandre’s vagina shadow kill Renly, but the shadow was bearing Stannis’ face, which I didn’t know. Stannis tells her to do her duty and she draws her sword and swings it, but it cuts to Ramsey killing someone before we see Stannis die….which leads me to believe he isn’t dead. After last week’s fuckery with Shireen, I just think they’d want us to see him die, dammit, we saw Ned’s head rolling on the ground, and a million other deaths in this show. Didn’t see it, didn’t happen.

-Cut to a scene of Ramsey not showing mercy on a dude, just in case you forgot he was an asshole.

-Sansa is walking back to her room, tryna sneak when she was greeted by Myranda, who has a bow and arrow, Theon/Reek is also there, being a punk and Myranda is threatening to take her apart piece by piece because she knows that Ramsey still needs an heir. I’m not even sure what she was thinking was going to happen when Ramsey came back, but she decides to shoot at Sansa, but Theon/Reek throws her up against a wall and then down into the courtyard, and I’m pretty sure she bounced. There goes Ramsey’s chance for the weirdest threesome in TV history.

-Then Theon/Reek sees the Boltons returning, and the decision is made to jump down into some snow. I’m not sure how much snow they jumped into, just how far it went up the wall, but they did it and someone had to have rolled an ankle at the very least. I watched Omar jump off the fourth floor in The Wire and he broke that shit. I can’t tell me someone doesn’t have a broken foot, at least.

-Meryn Trant is again being a scumbag with three little girls lined up, and he starts whipping them, because Game Of Thrones always has to go the extra mile to make you hate someone, and I respect that. He whips two of the girls and they start crying and one of them gets punched in the stomach, but the third doesn’t budge and you had to know what it was Arya, which I called last week. But the kicker is that she had someone else’s face, so I assume she now has unlimited access to the face pantry at the House of Black and White. So she pulls off her face and starts stabbing Meryn in the eyes and reminds him that he made the kill list, and why she is doing this.

-So she goes back to the House, where Jaqen and the Waif are waiting and he tells Arya that Meryn’s life wasn’t hers to take. Then he drinks the poison and collapses, and Arya freaks out, crying and saying he was her friend, which he absolutely wasn’t at all, but behind her, the Waif then changes into Jaqen’s face and says he is no one, while the person laying on the ground has multiple faces, which Arya keeps ripping off until she gets to her own face, then her eyes turn white and she’s now blind. Why do I get the feeling we’ll come back next season to Arya in full-fledged “Jackie Chan in The Drunken Master” mode? We better. This is getting frustrating.

-Jaime and crew are leaving Dorne and Ellaria gives Myrcella a kiss, which is strange, but okay, sure. Bronn is still tryna keep the doors open for a Sand Snake orgy, and the boat leaves. Then Myrcella and Jaime are talking, and Jaime figures this is the best time to tell Myrcella about he and Cersei, and she’s like, dude, I already know, which brought up two things in my head: one, who DOESN’T know about this already and two, she’s gon’ die. They hug, but Myrcella starts bleeding from the nose and collapses, then it cuts to Ellaria, who is also bleeding, but she takes the antidote that Bronn used. I love how the boat was like, 100 feet from the shore. And this doesn’t bode well for Trystane at all. He might not make it back to King’s Landing now. At best, he’ll be tortured.

-Tyrion, Daario and Jorah are chillin’ at Dany’s house, and it’s agreed upon that Daario and Jorah both love Dany, and Jorah betrayed her, and Grey Worm walks in to say that he shouldn’t be there, but what is he gon’ do about it? Tyrion makes a terrible attempt at speaking Valeryian, then the three argue about how to move forward. The plan that comes about is that Tyrion will stay back to run Meereen, while Grey Worm and Missandei also stay to work with the Unsullied, AKA the worst army in Game Of Thrones, while Jorah and Daario go out looking for Dany. One of those two aren’t coming back. My guess is Daario, but Jorah still has to deal with dat ‘scale. Maybe they both die? I’d be okay with that.

-But perhaps the best thing to come out of this episode happens as Varys walks up on Tyrion to be like, the fuck did you go? But the two get back on the saddle, and it looks like Varys is playing Joe Biden to Tyrion’s Obama. They’re both kinda creepy (Varys and Uncle Joe), so it works. That should be good stuff until they find Dany.

-Meanwhile, Dany is tryna get Drogon up and running so they get back to Meereen, but he took a lot of spears to the body and he’s like, Moms, I need to chill for just a little while, my shit hurts. So Dany decides it’s a good idea to go for a walk and I get that you’re hungry, but I’m not walking anywhere by myself out in these streets. So of course, she gets surrounded by a group of Dothraki and if I’m not mistaken, it’s the same group that left her at the end of Season 1 or beginning of Season 2. They didn’t part on good terms, but the game has changed now because she has dragons; it’ll be pretty interesting to see if they know this, but dammit, they’ll find out soon enough.

-Also, she dropped her ring on the ground and I’m guessing that was for someone to at least know she was there, but she dropped a ring in some grass on a hill out in the woods. I can’t wait to roll my eyes next season when they show Jorah and Daario finding that.

-Cersei has not acclimatized to jail life at all, and the Nun comes in to tell her to confess because that is the only word she knows. Cersei is like, fine, take me to the High Sparrow and while she confesses about the stuff with Lancel, she denies the Jaime/birthing two bastard kings business as well, but hey, it’s a start. Cersei thinks that all is good, she confessed, we can keep it moving, yeah? NOAP. The High Sparrow says she still has to stand trial, which entails getting stripped naked and getting her hair cut by the nun with a straight razor, which is more or less just pulling it out. Then she has to do the worst walk of shame in the history of walks of shame, and man, I don’t care, I’m now riding with Cersei all the way. Mufuckas were throwin’ cabbage at her, shaking their dicks and titties at her, one dude literally came from like, 15 feet back to yell “FUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK OFFFFFFFFFF” right in her face (not gon’ lie, this actually made me laugh, REAL hard, harder on the second watch), all the while, she has the nun behind her shaking a bell and repeating “Shame”, so she knows two words now. But she finally falls to the ground and it’s hard to watch Cersei break down like this, and yes, I get it. She did all this shit to herself, she isn’t as smart as her father and she has no one to blame and it’s kinda irrational that I fucks with her now….but I fucks with her now.

-I don’t know what the High Sparrow’s definition of a trial is, but that wasn’t a trial. Someone spit the largest loogie in Game Of Thrones history right on her cheek. How is that a trial?

-Anyway, she finally gets to the Red Keep where her uncle Kevan (the King’s Hand) there, along with Grand Maester Pycelle and Qyburn, who puts a cloak on her. But then he points at the stairs and there is the reanimated Mountain in a suit of armor, lookin’ dead as shit with a blue face and I bet he smells just awful. He picks Cersei and the last look we see from her is one of, “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH”. Once she gets cleaned up and gets a couple bottles of wine up in her, and gives Qyburn to input instructions into FrankenMountain? My God. The Sparrows are so fucked. Not even the Sparrows, too. Petty as Cersei is, you know she remembers every face that threw shit on her, every dick and titty she saw, everyone who laughed. Is it wrong? Yeah. Is it stupid? Probably. But that doesn’t mean Cersei can’t and won’t get her revenge. And I’m ready for it.

-So, I thought it was over after that, but we return to Castle Black, where Davos tries to get Jon to convince the wildlings to fight for Stannis, and he obviously doesn’t know what happened. But Melisandre, who had left, came back and she doesn’t even have to say anything, and Davos looks crushed when he asks about Shireen, although he doesn’t know how that happened (and when he does, Good Lord). Later on, Jon gets a visit from Ollie, who says that there is someone downstairs who knows about his missing uncle Benjen Stark, who I’d forgot about a long time ago. They rush down, but then he is greeted with a sign that said “TRAITOR”, and you know how this is going to go. Alliser makes the first cut, followed by like, five or six more fuckboys saying, “For The Watch”, which is some bullshit by the way; they’re awfully concerned about honor and not having sex for a bunch of criminals and thieves. Anyway, Ollie has tears in his eyes as he makes the final stab, and I want a giant to have his way with him. Nope, fuck the fact that he is a kid and the wildlings killed his parents. They just killed their very best chance of surviving the White Walkers and now, I just want the wildlings to murder every last member of the Night’s Watch. Brutally. With blood and against their wills. Fuck ’em.

-But I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Jon Snow, not until we see his body burn and even then…..I know you’ve seen various theories about this over the last couple of days, but my favorite is the warg theory, the joint that allows Bran to get into his direwolf, as well as into Hodor (and we’ll see them next season, I’m pretty sure). His direwolf’s name is Ghost, too, so there is that, and Melisandre can bring people back to life. Either way, we’ll see next season and if this is the last we’ve seen of Jon Snow, damn, I did not see that coming. I’ve never been the biggest Jon Snow fan, so I don’t care that much, but I was just shocked because that came outta nowhere. But at the same time, I shouldn’t have been because this is Game Of Thrones and this is what they do. At this point, Tommen’s cats might end up on the Iron Throne when it is all said and done because there are no humans left in the world.

Game Of Thrones finales used to be more about cleaning up the mess left after Episode 9, but last season we got the Tyrion/Tywin incident, then they stepped it up with this season, leaving a ton of questions to be answered. Is Stannis alive and if so, why not show him die? Will Dany be a Dothraki rape toy or will Drogon wake up pissed to find Moms gone? Will the people of Meereen even listen to Tyrion and why should they? Will Jorah and Daario fight? Can Arya see? Will Jaime start a war with Dorne (he pretty much has to, right?)? How good will Cersei’s revenge be? Where the hell are Littlefinger and Lady O with their plotting and scheming? How pissed will Ramsey be with Theon/Reek and Sansa MIA, and how quickly will he send out the search party? If they get caught, how much will Theon/Reek wish he was actually dead? And yo, will Sam gather the wildlings and go after the Night’s Watch? They packed a ton of stuff into this episode to keep us wondering until next season.

Until then, folks. Thanks for reading as always, I have no idea what I’ma do next, but something will be coming this summer. I appreciate it. In the meantime, I’ll be catching up on the books because I’m pretty sure we’re all at the same place in the story now (I think the show may have spoiled some of the sixth book, which I find HILARIOUS).

Game Of Thrones S05E07 – The Gift

Game Of Thrones took a beating with “Unbent, Unbowed, Unbroken“, and a lot of it has managed to cover up what has been an underwhelming couple of weeks. But business starts to pick up with “The Gift”, just in time as there are only three episodes left in the season. Let’s go…..

-Jon Snow is getting ready to head out with Tormund and get more wildlings, and Alliser looks like he can’t wait for Jon to leave so he can assume command of the Night’s Watch, and he also tells Jon that he thinks this is a mistake. Jon is like, oh, I know how you feel, but this is how it’s goin’ down. I think Alliser thinks all is good because Jon won’t make it back alive. He’ll be so mad when that doesn’t happen. Also, Sam gives Jon a dragonglass dagger like the one he used to kill the White Walker. I didn’t think they even had any more lying around.

-Maester Aemon is with Sam and Gilly and her baby, and he isn’t doing very well at all; I’d be surprised if he made it out of this episode. He tells Sam to get south, I think, before it’s too late, so the White Walkers are coming. They gotta be close, it’s been like, two seasons since we saw them last.

-Theon/Reek goes to take Sansa a meal, and she is a mess, bruised arms, crying in bed, possibly listening to a Mary J. Blige record. She begs Theon/Reek to take a candle to the broken tower, and she constantly tries to remind him of who he is, and he’s like, just do what he says and even though you say it can’t get worse, oh, it can. That little speech that Sansa gave him was very much like something like Catelyn would do. Sophie Turner has been really good this season.

-But does Theon/Reek go to the tower, even though he looks at it? No, no he doesn’t. He goes to Ramsey, who should be way bigger than he is, dude is ALWAYS eating when he isn’t terrorizing people. When is Theon/Reek gon’ die? I don’t even care if he’s redeemed anymore.

-Man, Winterfell looks MISERABLE.

-Cut to Brienne looking at the tower, waiting to see the candle, so she can storm the ring and clean house. How long before she says, “fuck a candle” and just rolls out?

-Aemon is talking to himself and he surely has to die soon, which he does, like, less than a minute later, so now there is only one Targaryen left in the Westerosi world that we know for sure. The Night’s Watch lays him to rest, but Alliser sidles up to Sam to say that all his friends are gone now. I’m sure if I did Fuckboy Rankings for this show, Alliser would be top five, easily.

-Sansa meets up with Ramsey, who tells her that he is thankful she isn’t ugly, which is about the biggest compliment you’ll get from Ramsey. He also seems to know that Stannis and ’em are en route, which is interesting because I don’t know they’d know, probably spy ravens or some shit. Then the two engage in a little back-and-forth about his validity to the throne since he is a bastard, even though he was naturalized by Tommen, who Sansa points out is also a bastard. But he throws back at her something about Jon, who she probably hasn’t even thought of in years, and then the knockout: he takes her to see the flayed body of the old woman that told her that the North remembered, and told her to light a candle. It’s also heavily implied that Theon/Reek betrayed her again. Just gotta burn down Winterfell and start over again, nothing good will come outta this place now.

-Davos tries to tell Stannis that it’s cold as shit, horses and people are dying and maybe they should head back to Castle Black to try and wait out the winter, but Stannis is like, nah, we said we would fight and now we gotta fight. Stannis then turns to Melisandre to be like, uh, you sure about all this? She says she has seen the visions of victory at Winterfell, but he might have to sacrifice someone else because they need King’s blood. That someone? Shireen, his daughter. Stannis is PISSED and is like, NOAP, you went too far now, you gotta get the fuck out. It took five seasons, but Stannis finally stands up to ol’ Shadow Vagina, who looks genuinely taken aback by his reaction.

-Two dudes roll up on Gilly and they’re tryna figure out if she’s really pretty, or pretty because she’s the only female around these parts, so you know they’re gon’ be on some bullshit right off the bat. They try to holla at her and she’s like, this is street harassment, and then Sam comes out with a sword…..and promptly gets his ass KICKED. These dudes are smackin’ fire out Sam’s ass, but he still got bars, talkin’ about he has killed a White Walker and a Thenn, he’ll take his chances against these two, who are about to step to him again. However, they’re greeted by Ghost, Jon’s direwolf, and they peace out. Sam passes out, but shoutout to Jon for leaving Ghost there. I think he did that on purpose because he knew people would test Sam and let’s keep it funky, we all know Sam ain’t shit when it comes to fighting.

-Gilly is cleaning up his cuts and telling him not to try that shit again, while Sam is like, I was pulllin’ that rope-a-dope on ’em, I was good. Anyway, I was just saying that she GOTTA give him a handjob at this point, I’ve been saying that since he saved her from the White Walker, but anyway, he gets more than a handjob and I think we can all agree that this “no sex life” rule for the Night’s Watch has been thrown in the bushes. Still, between this and Tommen/Margaery, this has been the season of the awkward sex scene for Game Of Thrones.

-Malko (the judges will also accept Mr. Eko from Lost or Adebisi from Oz because let’s keep it 100, he won’t be on the show long enough to need to know his real name) has Jorah up on the auction block. He sells Jorah to this guy, but Tyrion talks the buyer into taking him as well. Also, Tyrion kicks a dude’s ass for making fun of him and I’m like, how do you let a midget in shackles kick your ass? And where did this side of Tyrion come from? I guess when you’re mad, it just comes out.

-Dany and Daario are in bed talking, and Daario is a little jealous because Loraq is about to marry Dany, but everyone knows it is all political. Daario then suggests they get married and she’s the queen, so she can do whatever he wants, but that hasn’t worked out so far. He also suggests that when she goes to the re-opening of the fighting pits, she kill all the masters. She says she isn’t a butcher, but we’ve watched Dany nail slavers to crosses and feed masters to her dragons, so let’s not get all high and mighty, missus.

-Lady O visits the High Sparrow to try and negotiate a way out for Margaery and Loras, but he isn’t budging, sticking to his “laws of the gods” script. She offers money and then says she’ll stop sending food to King’s Landing, and she also points out that half of the city has been involved in some buggery, which will never not make me laugh. But he is holding strong in his beliefs and it isn’t even him, it’s up to the gods. It’s weird to see Lady O not getting her way, but she does point out that the Sparrows are also lawbreakers and this is kinda hypocritical, and she isn’t wrong. Also, as she leaves, she gets a note from someone.

-Tommen is freaking out that he can’t do anything about Margaery being locked up, or he thinks that he can’t, but he’s the fuckin’ king; he’s just being manipulated by Cersei, who tries to talk him out of starting a war. She says she’ll try to talk to the High Sparrow about this, and that she just wants him to be happy. Tyrion said it best about Cersei: she has two redeeming qualities, her cheekbones and her love for her children. However, the love for her children might take a backseat to the family name right now because this whole situation is about her tryna keep the Lannister name on top in these streets (yeah. Tommen’s last name is Baratheon, but we all know what’s good).

-Meanwhile, Jaime is in Dorne, getting visited by his daughter/niece Myrcella, who says that she has been here for years now and this is her home. This throws the entire timeline of the story off, but meh, Game Of Thrones has much larger things to worry about. Anyway, she’s getting married to Trystane and that’s all there is to it, and ol’ Goldenhand can’t do much about it.

-Bronn is singing ignorant songs about a Dornish wife down in his cell, which is across from the Sand Snakes. Also, shoutout to Jerome Flynn, who plays Bronn and actually has a very good voice that he has showed off in previous roles before this, and it was Bronn who introduced us to the song “The Rains Of Castamere” (the Lannister theme, and the name of the “Red Wedding” episode) prior to the Battle Of The Blackwater in Season 2. Anyway, one of the Sand Snakes asks if he thinks they’re beautiful and he’s like, nah, but then he starts bleeding from the nose, while she starts opening her robe. I had heard this last week on a few podcasts, people were wondering if the dagger Bronn was cut with was poisoned because that was a specialty of Oberyn. They were right as he passes out and the only antidote was in a vial that was held by this Sand Snake, who is now just teasing Bronn and wants him to say she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I didn’t like this at first, but she’s exerting her power over Bronn, who drinks the antidote and like, shit, that was close.

-Lady O meets Littlefinger at his trashed brothel, and she cuts right to the chase, saying that they’re now together because of the Joffrey plot (I think this is the first time they explicitly say it). She wants to know what his objective is, and Littlefinger gives her a little, but not all of it, and that he has a gift for her.

-At the fighting pits, the man who bought them gives a pep talk and introduces them to Dany, who is not here for any of this shit at all and wants to leave early, but Loraq says the people might take offense to it. Jorah sees her, gets his mask and runs into the ring like Hulk Hogan during a battle royal, wreckin’ shop. He kicks everyone’s asses while Tyrion is still in the back in chains, and a huge man cuts his chains so he can be free. Outside, Jorah takes off his mask to show himself to Dany, who is like, GET THIS MUFUCKA OUTTA MY SIGHT and I’m surprised she doesn’t order his death right there. However, he says he brought her a gift and out walks the imp to proclaim that he is the gift, and his name is Tyrion Lannister. I should have apologized to my neighbors, because I may have stood up and started cheering like it was a basketball game. I’ve been waiting for this since I found out it was even an option, and here is my reasoning for them being the leaders for the Iron Throne race (from a conversation with a friend):

“Dany has the army and she has dragons, but she has no idea how to lead and neither do the people around her and they have no idea what to do about King’s Landing, but Tyrion has grown up watching the game, both politically and militarily, and he did a damn good job when he was the King’s Hand”.

I’m not sure if this is how it will turn out, and stubborn-ass Dany has to first listen to what Tyrion has to say, but this scene pretty much made me forget about everything else that has happened this season.

-Cersei visits Margaery in her cell, and it’s so fucking petty. She says she doesn’t look like she has been eating and gives Margaery her leftovers, and that she’s tryna help, but Margaery is like, bitch you lyin’, you did this and throws stew at her, telling her to get out. Cersei walks out with that smirking smile that she has on in 70% of her scenes. Cersei always looks like she’s on the verge of laughing in your face.

-However, that turned into a frown quickly as Cersei visited the High Sparrow, who tells her about a young man who came to him a mess, but he told some stories that lifted the weight off his shoulders, and some of those stories involved her….and of course, it’s her cousin Lancel, who has ALL SORTS of dirt on Cersei, who tries to run away, but is stopped by guards. The High Sparrow is joined by Lancel and has a really creepy look on his face, while Cersei hits that “I’M THE QUEEN” joint that Margaery yelled as she was being taken away, and she tells the female guard to remember her face as it’s the last one that she’ll see before she dies. Man, like Rod from The Black Guy Who Tips always says, people who try to dance before they score the touchdown ALWAYS get burned in Game Of Thrones, and this is what happened to Cersei. The risk of premature partyin’, my friends.

-Littlefinger told Lady O he had a gift for her. Is Lancel the gift, or this entire situation? Either way, he had something to do with this.

Now, all I want next week is more Tyrion/Dany stuff, I assume we’ll get some Arya stuff, Tommen’s gon’ be lookin’ around like, uh, where did my wife and mother go, Melisandre will be plotting on how to get Shireen’s blood (does she need just a little blood or, like, for her to actually die?), someone gotta run up and save Sansa for fuck sakes….oh, and as terrible as Winterfell and Castle Black looked, winter HAS to be here by now, right?

Alright, Game Of Thrones, you have my full and undivided attention again. Let’s go.

Game Of Thrones S05E03 – High Sparrow

When it comes to Game Of Thrones, it’s all about aligning yourself with the best chance to get closer to the Iron Throne, or even just to stay alive. We saw a couple examples of that in “High Sparrow”, along with an ending that makes me mad just thinking about it again. Let’s go….

-We open at the House Of Black And White, where Arya is sweeping the floor because all men must serve, as Jaqen H’ghar said. He gives a man a drink of water, while Arya tells Jaqen what she ain’t about to do, and that is sweep floors. Patience has never been Arya’s strong suit. Then she says the water-drinking man dead on the floor, and two more put him on a stretcher to carry him out. Don’t drink the water at the Dojo of the Dead, folks. Also, we see The Waif for the first time, ol’ “The Ring” ass lookin’ girl.

-Cersei is ridin’ through the city streets and she is vexed about hearing Margaery being called Queen, which means that her and Tommen are about to be married. Then they consummated the marriage and Tommen was doin’ some internal partyin’, as we all did the first time we had sex, while Margaery started plotting right away. She suggests that Tommen think about sending Cersei somewhere away from them as she’ll be meddling in his affairs and treating him like a child. Tommen relays this suggestion to Cersei, and you can see her muttering, “THIS bitch” in her head as he wants her go to Casterly Rock.

-The we get the meeting of the minds as Cersei goes to talk to Margaery, who got all these jokes for days, talkin’ about how much she and Tommen were fuckin’ the night before and then she apologizes to Cersei as they have no wine out, it’s a bit early for them, but not for her. Remember those cartoons where you could see smoke coming out of the characters’ ears? That would be Cersei, who took all the punches Margaery threw, and walked way on some, “I’m get this bitch SO GOOD”. Margaery definitely won that battle, but she doesn’t know who she is playin’ with. Again, if she was smart, she would learn to work with Cersei and the two could run shit, but teamwork doesn’t always fly in Game Of Thrones.

-We finally get to see Winterfell, where Theon/Reek sees two flayed bodies hanging and it probably takes him back to the burning of the children, which is why no one should feel sorry for him. The flaying was of course done by Ramsey, and father Roose is tryna talk him down, saying that his actions will have future consequences which they don’t need to deal with because they don’t have Lannister backing anymore. He tells Ramsey that he should have a suitable wife as he is a lord now, That wife will be…….

-Cut to Sansa and Littlefinger and their crew riding along and Sansa sees her former home, and she knows what time it is. Sansa obviously isn’t with it, but Littlefinger persuades her that this is the best chance for her to avenge her family and it will keep her safe. She thinks about it for a minute and she still doesn’t like it, but she rides on and I’m starting to like Sansa far more than I ever have. She’s getting better at playing the game every week.

-Then we get Brienne’s backstory as she was the daughter of a lord who tried to marry her off, but her group of suitors were making fun of her behind her back because of her appearance, and Renly Baratheon was the only one to more or less treat her as a human, which is why she pledged her allegiance to him, even though Renly was obviously gay and didn’t mess with women. So her plan is to avenge Renly by killing Stannis, although she’ll probably have to go through Melisandre and the Vagina Shadow as well. She also tells Pod da Gawd that she will teach him how to fight with a sword and she seems to be coming around on Pod, at least enough to be civil with him.

-Stannis tries to get Jon to take his offer once again, but Jon is steadfast in being the leader of the Night’s Watch and asks Stannis how long he’s gon’ be staying on the couch for. The Night’s Watch can’t continue to feed his army, along with the wildling prisoners, and shit is getting real with winter coming and all. Stannis says he’ll be out before the snow starts, and that Jon should consider sending Alliser away, but Jon wants to keep his enemies close and all that. Stannis leaves, but Davos sticks around and asks Jon to reconsider once again because Stannis likes him for some reason and Stannis doesn’t like anyone. To be fair, he’s kinda right. Even though Stannis isn’t the most interesting character and he’s being run by Melisandre, he seems to be in a good position to make a run at the Iron Throne. Jon Snow tryna be honorable, though, and we all saw where that got his father.

-The Waif confronts Arya and starts whipping her when Arya won’t tell her who she is. I see where she is coming from as Arya just waltzes in here demanding a spot in the Dojo of the Dead, and she has probably been there for a decade now, still sweeping floors. Jaqen steps in to defend her, but he does say that Arya can’t be “no one” as she said as she has Arya Stark’s clothes and was about to wreck shop with Arya Stark’s sword. Basically, you have to give up your entire identity to be down with the Faceless Men. So Arya throws away her shit, but she can’t bear to throw away Needle, which was given to her by Jon a long, long time ago and is the only tie she has left to her family, so she buries it in some rocks. Maisie Williams is a beast, bruh. i just wanted to hug her throughout the entire scene.

-She goes back to the Dojo and is ordered to help The Waif clean another dead body, so maybe she should be happy that she isn’t dying. The Waif ain’t about to answer any of her questions though, so Arya grabs a cloth and gets to washing.

-Sansa and Littlefinger roll up in Winterfell and Theon/Reek sees her, but says nothing. Sansa bites her tongue when greeting the Boltons, which is smart because well, living is fun. Then she greets Ramsey, but then it flashes to some girl lookin’ mad, and her name is Myranda, whom you might remember from helping Ramsey castrate Theon, then helping him chase some girl through the woods and feeding her to dogs, and then fucking him as Theon’s sister tried to rescue him. Keep an eye on that, because she’s about to be so damn mad.

-Sansa is shown to her old room, but it’s like she has never seen it before. Then an older woman welcomes her home and says, “The North Remembers”, which is a quote that the northerners follow and you gotta believe that will come back again. Game Of Thrones is too smart to drop something like that out there and then not do anything with it. It probably won’t be for a while, though. My theory is that Sansa and Ramsey’s wedding might be a shitshow because well, weddings and Game Of Thrones equals shitshow.

-Jon tells Sam that he decided not to take Stannis’ offer and then instead of being petty, he gives Alliser a good job as the First Ranger, which means he is better than I because I would have had dude digging the new latrine. Then he tells Janos Slynt to oversee Greyguard and Janos all but tells him to go fuck himself, so Jon is like, NAH, and they take him outside. Janos is taken aback by Alliser letting them take him outside because Alliser is like, yo, we gotta follow the leader now, I got a good job and I’m not tryna get beheaded. Janos quickly realizes the error of his ways and starts pleading for his life and it looks like Jon is about to give him mercy, but instead cuts his head off because like his father said in what I believe was the first episode, he said if you pass down the sentence, you must swing the sword. Jon can’t be lookin’ soft out here in these Night’s Watch streets. Stannis approves of this message.

-The High Septon is in Littlefinger’s brothel, tryna relax, but he gets rolled up on by Lancel and the Sparrows, who make him walk naked through the streets and assault him. He demands that the King or Cersei or whomever is in charge arrest the Sparrows, so Cersei goes to the hood to talk to the High Sparrow, who is serving food barefooted to a slew of poor people. He thinks she’s about to be on some bullshit, but Cersei instead tells him that he’s fine and the High Septon has been jailed and it seems like she’s tryna broker some sort of deal between the Harpys For God and the throne. See? Sober Cersei be plannin’, while Drunk Cersei be schemin’. Those are two very different things.

-Then Cersei goes to Qybush’s dungeon and orders him to write a letter to Littlefinger immediately, then she leaves and under the sheet, The Mountain gives a little shake and Qybush is like, it’s okay, just relax. The fuck is going on in Frankenstein’s dungeon?

-Sansa walks through Winterfell and Theon/Reek looks like he’s about to call to her, but doesn’t, so that’ll be a thing for the next couple of episodes. Littlefinger tells Ramsey not to hurt Sansa, which I still don’t think he will, but now she has to worry about that Myranda girl being jealous. Then Littlefinger and Roose meet and Littlefinger gets his letter from Cersei, but it has been opened by Roose and the two go back and forth on questioning each other’s loyalty. Hey bruh, that’s what you get when you’re a snake that deals with snakes. Gotta take the good with the bad. Anyway, they come to some sort of conclusion, but Roose says he wants to read the reply and Littlefinger agrees, although you can see the wheels turning on how he’ll get his real message to Cersei.

-Tyrion finally persuades Varys to make a stop in Volantis and the head-shaking starts. They hear a speech from a woman that says she used to be a slave, but now she preaches for the Dragon Queen, which means Dany. However, she makes eye contact with Tyrion and stares into his soul, which scares him and they leave, but would you think that would be enough to make them leave? NOAP. Tyrion wants to go to a brothel because that is where all the good people go in Game Of Thrones. Two episodes in Season 5 have featured brothels, and nothing good has come from either episode. They see a prostitute dressed like Dany on some Lisa Ann/Sarah Palin shit (Google it), but Tyrion sees another girl that he likes. However, he can’t get up the gumption to fuck with her, which I read as guilt over killing Shea, and instead goes out to take a piss and I just cursed at the television. Someone walks up behind him and puts a rope on him: it is Jorah, who we saw earlier as Tyrion was entering the brothel. He wraps up Tyrion and says he is taking him to the Queen, which I figured was Cersei so he could get this ransom. However, I was talking to my homegirl Jamie (who also reminded me that Jon Snow gave Needle to Arya and the ties to the family and all) and she put forth Dany, which I never considered, but it makes sense. That girl was talkin’ about the Dragon Queen earlier and Jorah doesn’t really fuck with Cersei and ’em like that, and he could bring Tyrion to Dany to use as some sort of leverage against the Lannisters, which means he obviously hasn’t been paying attention to what has been going on. But it’s definitely plausible.

So there wasn’t a lot of action in “High Sparrow”, but all of the pieces on the chessboard seem to be in place now to move forward with the rest of the season. Where is Jorah taking Tyrion and for the love of God, where is Varys? Cersei about to make the Sparrows her assassination squad? Did Jaime ever make his way to Dorne with Bronn? Will someone, anyone, tell Arya what the hell is going on? Game Of Thrones has a lot on the table these days.