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American Horror Story: Hotel S05E09 – She Wants Revenge

The usual downhill spiral continues on American Horror Story: Hotel with “She Wants Revenge”, which is maddening because the promise is there. Everything was going so well. There is no way they’re sorting this all out in four episodes. Let’s go….

-We open with the Countess talking about how she is a century old now, and she is staring into the hallway where she knows Rudy and Natasha have been hidden, but they’re not there anymore. There should been another episode about this story, or at least split that with the “Ten Commandments Killer” episode. I’m still pissed about that. It didn’t need to be a whole damn episode.

-Oh, shoutout to Gaga for getting a Golden Globe nomination for her role in Hotel. I think she has been great in spite of some bad storytelling. She is up against some stiff competition and shouldn’t win, but I bet she has shocked some people.

-In the present, Will Drake is telling the Countess that he wants a big wedding, but she wants something more intimate. Hell, I forgot they were even getting married because there are 47 storylines, but aight, cool. She just wants him to design her dress and she’ll handle the rest, and then Elizabeth asks Liz to order her some flowers. To which Liz hits her with a “bitch, what?” and tells her to buy her own flowers. He is obviously still salty about what she did to Tristan, which is fair, and all that was missing from this was a finger snap and a neck roll. Elizabeth is still playing the victim and says she did it because Tristan could have never loved Liz because he didn’t know how. Liz don’t care, bruh.

-Elizabeth and Alex are watching the news, and by that, I mean Alex is Elizabeth’s servant and getting her a nice glass of blood, while Elizabeth is chillin’. They see that a man has his blood drained on the news, and witnesses saw children at the scene. I thought they meant the little blond children from the hotel; I forgot all about the kid who had the measles that Alex saved when she had her little buffet at the hospital. Who knew that a show could have multiple crews of child vampires?

-Elizabeth then gets a call from an investigator who says that he found her man, and she goes to a cheap hotel, where she finds Rudy, who escaped the hotel with Natasha. He greets her with a kiss, and Natasha won’t be happy about this.

-But quickly, because the Countess doesn’t like to go too long without a penis, we flash to her at the hotel, riding Donovan. He, of course, catches the feelings and wants her to only be with him and she’s like, cool, I’m getting married on Wednesday, but I should be good to go by Thursday. They’re making a list of people that they’re going to kill, but all we noticed was that Gaga has great boobs, which we can clearly see because FX made them slap some stars over the nipples. Really, what is the point? Just put the titty out there. We can seriously see the whole thing. Stop making us work for nudity.

-After the credits, a trio of people are waiting to check into the hotel, last name: Stormcock. They’re so obviously a porn shoot, but Iris has some zingers. She hits them with that “douchebag convention is over at the Hilton”, how she’ll bring ’em extra towels and shit. This ain’t her first rodeo. Also, we learn that the female porn star doesn’t like getting rimmed, which means a tongue in the ol’ poop chute. I had a completely different definition of rimming, so AHS be outchea educating the people. Iris goes on a speech about how she doesn’t mind porn when it’s done right, but she doesn’t want to enable it anymore since she was turned, and goes up to the room, where she slits Mr. Stormcock’s throat and stabs ol’ girl while the dude runs into the bathroom. Donovan finds her draining the girl of her blood and is impressed with her work, but she tells him that it isn’t safe for him at the hotel, and the Countess would find out they are working together with Ramona. Mmmmmhmmmm……Donovan is about to rat you out. That Countess vagina is a helluva thing. Before he leaves, he kills the dude in the bathroom; we don’t see it, but it’s easy to make that assumption. –

-Also, she told Donovan that Elizabeth confronted her about Bartholomew The Gerber Baby going missing, and she ratted Ramona out to Elizabeth, but didn’t say that she and Donovan were involved. Not your best work, Iris.

-Will is getting Lachlan ready for the wedding, and Lachlan still can’t believe that his dad is marrying a woman, and Will explains the idea of bisexuality to his son. You can see “The More You Know” flashing on the screen, but like a true child, Lachlan isn’t really caring about what his father is saying because kids ain’t shit. Out of nowhere comes Miss Evers, who warns Will¬†against marrying the Countess and tells him that it is basically like committing suicide. Will tells her to get out and she leaves, but not before she says that she can’t wait to clean the shit out of his clothes after Elizabeth kills him. Yo, has Will ALWAYS been that orange? That’s some Jersey Shore spray tanning. Also, Miss Evers says that Elizabeth will bleed him dry and Will is like, I got this prenup and she’s like, uhhhh……that’s not what I mean at all.

-Elizabeth talks to a contractor to install a new door, to fill the hole that is hiding the hallway where Rudy and Natasha was. He tells her that it’ll be impossible to do it in 24 hours, and March pops up to play foreman, telling him what he needs to do and how to do it because he has had experience with these kinds of rooms. She slaps him when the contractor leaves and she is pissed that he locked up Rudy and Natasha, and never wants to see him again. He just wants his monthly dinners, and she wants the door done by the morning, so that appears to be the trade-off, because Countess vagina gets what she wants.

-Donovan heads to Ramona’s with a gift, and it’s the male porn star, so he didn’t kill him….not yet anyway. Ramona calls Donovan a pussy for getting back with the Countess, and he says it’s all a part of the plan as he is getting married and will be distracted. Meanwhile, Angela Bassett dominates the screen and they could be talking about ice cream for all I know.

-Then we get into the best part of the episode: Ramona tells the story of her parents, which is where she went after Elizabeth broke her heart. They were both sick, but her mother passed away and her father got worse with Alzheimer’s. Then the house got broken into and two robbers almost beat him to death, and Ramona fed him her blood to try and keep him alive, and hopefully slow down the Alzheimer’s. It kept him alive, but didn’t help the disease and Ramona had to kill more to feed him blood to keep him going until one night, she came home and he had killed two more intruders. He didn’t understand what was going on, so Ramona fed him Xanax, I believe, one of those drugs, and drowned him in a tub.¬†Over the years, she has fumed over what Elizabeth has taken from her, while being mad that people are now watching her movies for free on the internet, and Ryan Murphy is dropping all kinds of messages in these streets this season. She wants revenge on Elizabeth, and plans to get it. This really could have been the plot of the entire season and I would have been fine. Give me all the Angela Bassett, please.

-Alex goes to a house where a pizza is being delivered, and the house is Max’s, the measles kid. He and his friends are chowing down on the pizza delivery guy, and Alex tells them that they’ll be found out soon because the pizza place will wonder where he is. The kids’ plan is basically to eat everyone in their way, and they’ve already eaten their parents, and now one of them wants to eat the kids that don’t want to eat people. Is this cannibalism or vampirism? Can it be both? Anyway, these kids are assholes and they leave Alex to talk to the cops. Kids make stupid plans, I think is the moral of this story.

-Donovan had told Ramona that he drugged Elizabeth to put her out, which of course was a lie, and she wakes up, and Donovan tases Ramona. He takes her to the dungeon to put her in the same contraption that housed the two blond girls from earlier in the season and Iris is confused about the plan, to which Donovan is like, “Bitch, there is no plans, I lied and am under the spell of Countess vagina”, or something similar to that. Donovan thinks he is the only one for Elizabeth, and Iris scoffs, and Ramona wakes up in time to second that scoff. Dogg…..how many times has she done this? Why do you think you’re special? Her vagina is the truth, bruh.

-Meanwhile, Elizabeth is back at the hotel with Rudy, and Finn Dogg is trying to sound Italian, but it is coming off super Russian. Like, Putin Russian. There is no Italian in this at all. Dude sounds like a villain from GoldenEye. Anyway, they’re about to kiss and Natasha struts in from a shopping trip as Elizabeth gave her a credit card, and we realize that it is Alexandra Daddario, whom you may remember from the first season of True Detective. I think Woody Harrelson was having sex with her? Anyway, she was naked and it set the internet on fire for like, 24 hours. Elizabeth invites her to a night at the hotel and Natasha is afraid of March being there, but Elizabeth tells her that he is dead and she’ll be fine….which means she’s obviously about to kill her so she can be with Rudy. Natasha knows something is up with Elizabeth and Rudy, while Elizabeth leaves and is seen by Donovan, who I keep forgetting, is a heroin addict and I’ve been giving him too much credit.

-Elizabeth and Will get married in the hotel lobby, and Elizabeth’s dress is pretty awful. Liz objects to the whole proceedings on the grounds that Elizabeth is a bitch, but no one seems to care because they just need a witness. Lachlan just wants to go upstairs after the wedding because kids don’t care, and Elizabeth wants to change into travelling clothes because they’re going to Paris. Before that, she walks up to Liz threateningly, but only gives him a bouquet and wishes that he finds true love….oh yeah, Liz will die before this is all over.

-At the bar, Will is joined by March for a congratulatory drink, and March says something about blended families, to which Will is like, yeah, she loves my son. March is like, ummmmm, nah bruh, you ain’t met her son yet? So he walks him up to Gerber Baby’s room and Will is obviously horrified, when Elizabeth walks in and knocks his ass out for saying all sorts of ignorant shit about her child in true motherly fashion.

-He wakes up in the same room as Ramona, who persuades him to let her out, but while he is running around and screaming for help, we realize that he is in the sealed chamber, so I guess Elizabeth got her door done. Will is like, we gon’ starve and Ramona is like, um, I won’t….and then proceeds to buffet his face and life. Elizabeth is watching this on a screen from her room, while Miss Evers laughs at Will because she’s petty and was right.

It isn’t that I hated this episode, or even how AHS does this every season, because this show is always entertaining and the fuckery is right around the corner. But at the end of every episode, I have an arm’s length of questions that need answering and I get frustrated because I know they won’t be. They made John a huge part of the story and he wasn’t even in this episode. Shoot, is anyone gon’ notice that he killed the black cop? Still no sign of Scarlett, the blond kids from the hotel and now they have to figure out what to do with the measles army. Did Alex have to talk to the cops to cover for them? What is gon’ happen to Lachlan? He’ll notice his father is missing at some point, right? Will he be the Darth Vader of the vampire children, or avenge his father’s death? Shit, what about Sally? And I assume Rapey Drillbit is done?

I hope I’m wrong about all this. But it’s American Horror Story and I’m probably not.

 

 

 

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