After the carnage of “The Long Night”, “Last Of The Starks” was a much-needed respite for Game Of Thrones, although it seems like I’m the only one who liked the episode. I really only need to know a couple things about how this is going to end, but I won’t be pressed if I don’t find out. Life will go on.
And with the biggest cup of Starbucks I can muster, let’s go…….
-There is a long-ass funeral that I feel could have been shorter. Dany cries over Jorah, aight, cool. Sansa cries over Theon, fuck that. She also gives him what seems to be a letter opener, but it is still pointy enough that she might regret that later. Then again, she doesn’t seem to know how knives work anyway. Ghost is alive, bloody, but alive, and I feel like people would have just watched 80 minutes of him running around, rather than what actually happened. The only thing I can gather from this is that, man, Winterfell must have smelled like ass after burning all those bodies. And what do wights smell like when they die? Lavender? Feet? A large pile of Taylor Swift albums? I’ll let you be the judge. Anyway, this was long.
-And now, the party starts as Dany, Jon and Sansa sit rather awkwardly at the head of the hall. Gendry is looking for Arya, and he asks the Hound if he has seen her, and the Hound is like, all this death and you tryna smash again? Come on, bruh. He gets called out by Dany, who says he knows who he is, and who his father is, you know, the one that stole the throne from the Targaryens and tried to kill baby Dany Stormborn. She wonders who is the lord of Storm’s End, and everyone is like, what the hell is Storm’s End. Turns out it’s Baratheon property and Dany makes Gendry the lord of that joint, which is a helluva promotion from weapon-maker for Mr. Arya Stark. But it earns her a little bit of goodwill which is surely going to go up in flames (pun intended). Still, all this was, was a flex from Dany to be like, yup, this that Queen shit right here, dogg. I can do this, if y’all act right. Sansa is not buying it, tho. Not even a little bit. If these two could get on the same page, we wouldn’t even need Episode 6. Shit would be a wrap next week. But we’ll get to that.
-So I’m watching it again and I still didn’t notice the Starbucks cup. Didn’t even know it was a thing until the next day. So y’all can’t see during a battle, but you can see a Starbucks cup. Did you figure out that there was a brightness setting on your television? People are hilarious.
-Jaime and Brienne’s little flirting starts, everyone is happy, but the Hound, who ain’t been happy since ’76. Tyrion and Bran have an exchange and Bran says he doesn’t want to be the Lord of Winterfell because he is lives in the past, and Tyrion is like, why can’t you just be NORMAL? Bran is the Kyrie Irving of this shit, always speaking in tongues and not making any sense. Jaime, Tyrion and Brienne start playing Never Have I Ever, which is some real Grade 6 shit if I ever heard it, and Brienne stays smiling at Jaime and God, just get it over with. Tormund is drunkenly extolling Jon’s courage and all that, and Dany is in the back like, bitch, I brought dragons and a rack of people and boats, and I can’t get a little love? Dany about to get up like Nino Brown in New Jack City on some “I BUILT THIS SHIT”. And that Mad Targaryen starts to creep in, which has been coming for like, I dunno, eight seasons? And Varys is in the back like, yup, I’ve seen this before. Because all Dany wants is her corners (another Wire reference), and everyone else will burn in hellfire if she doesn’t.
-Tyrion guesses that Brienne is a virgin and she’s like, fuck this game, yo, I’ll cut you. Tormund wanders over and if nothing else, he is determined. But Jaime follows Brienne and Tormund is like, dammit, I’ve been beaten, how did that happen. He really should take lessons from Pod, who gets a smile from a lady and we know how he gets down. Tormund is venting to the Hound, and I can’t think of anyone in Westeros who gives less of a fuck about Tormund’s love life than the Hound. He don’t even want to get up with these girls who sit with him and Tormund, who is like, welp, move on to the next one, or two, whatever. Sansa sits down with him and is like, fuck is your problem, b? The Hound alludes to her rapes and Sansa is like, yup and I fed that bitch to the hounds, who actually kinda smiled and it was really weird. He says that if he had left Winterfell with her, she wouldn’t have run into all those problems and Sansa is like, I’d be a little bird all my life without those lessons. Her character arc might be the most impressive in the show. She still makes some dumb moves, but that could be the tagline of Game Of Thrones. GoT: We All Do Dumb Shit, But Here We Are. Shit sounds like an Earl Sweatshirt album.
-Gendry finds Arya and is like, I got this promotion, yo, we movin’ on up to the east side, shouts to The Jeffersons. Arya is like, yeah, NAH. She’s not a lady, she never wanted to be a lady, and that’s just not her jam. And that is fine. Arya would be bored as hell, and would start picking off random people. Also, it’s awesome that Arya just did what she did, and how does she celebrate? By shooting arrows. Arya is Kobe Bryant out here, gettin’ shots up in the gym after a game. Meanwhile, Jaime and Brienne have sex. Cool.
-Dany and Jon seem like they’re gon’ get it poppin’, but then they decide that they should talk about some stuff. She does come out and say that she is jealous at the way everyone looks at Jon at Winterfell, and he doesn’t want the place, but Dany is like, damn what you want, they want you as King, you’ll be King and then what about me? Dany tries to tell him to do the smart thing and not tell anyone, but Jon’s honorable raised-by-Ned-Stark headass is like, nah, I gotta tell Sansa, Arya and Bran, who already knows, but I’ll give Bran this: he ain’t a snitch. Not like I would have done. Soon as I found out, I would have had the dragons do a flyover saying, JON IS A TARGARYEN just above Winterfell.
-Jon, Dany and the squad are in the war room playing RISK, and they realize that they got pretty messed up by the Night King and his crew. Dany wants to roll up on King’s Landing and wreck shop, but Tyrion stays tryna keep Cersei alive, which is so very dumb. He used to be the most clever person in Westeros, as Sansa said, but my man Tyrone, he’s slippin’. Might gotta die. Sansa is like, man, can we at least rest before we go and do this? It’s a good plan, the people they have left are likely bruised up and might be missing a toe. It’s probably the smart move. But we’ve been watching people do dumb shit for eight seasons, so of course, Dany is like, nah, we ridin’ now. Sansa and Arya don’t agree, and I don’t even know if Bran was there in the mental, and he don’t care anyway.
-The Starks meet out by the Face Tree, and Sansa is like, yo, we can’t trust her. Arya is like, we can’t trust her, but we did need that army, so you had to do what you had to do. She says they are the last of the Starks and they’re all they got, and Jon is like, I’ve never been Stark and Bran snaps out of it finally, like that girl floating across the gif of Migos and Joe Budden about to fight, like what y’all talkin’ about, anything good? He says to Jon, it’s your choice and he makes them swear not to tell anyone. They swear, but Sansa probably had her fingers crossed behind her back. Jon can’t even do it, he gets Bran to tell them. Jon is so stupid.
-Tyrion says that he is happy that Jaime is happy, and makes a tall joke, which isn’t his best. Again, Tyrone is slippin’. And they both are, because Bronn rolls in the spot with the crossbow and makes it very clear that he is there to kill them. He also hits Tyrion in the nose, but this was a damn good scene between the three of them. This is a spin-off I’d be down with, just watching those three talkin’ shit. Anyway, Bronn’s whole plan is like, Cersei offered me Riverrun, what can y’all offer, and Tyrion says that he’ll give Bronn Highgarden, the Tyrells’ old crib (shouts to Lady O). See, Bronn is always looking for a deal, if he really wanted to kill them, he would have. And it isn’t because they’re friends, it’s because he likes money and stuff. Which will be the end of him, of course.
-The Hound and Arya decide that they’re going to King’s Landing, him to fight his brother, her to kill Cersei. It would probably be best if they told someone. But I guess not. But I’m okay with that. They can handle themselves.
-The squad make their way to Dragonstone, Dany’s family crib, while Tyrion and Sansa have a chat. Tyrion is like, what’s your beef with her, and Sansa is like, the army is gone, Jon is gone, you’re afraid of her because she’ll burn your ass up, and all my family has died up in the capital. Tyrion is like, Jon told me that he isn’t a Stark and Sansa is like, OOOOOOOOOOOH BOY DO I GOT SOME TEA FOR YOU. Someone on Twitter said Sansa started a group chat within seconds of finding out. She damn near popped a vein tryna keep that secret in.
-Tormund and Jon say their goodbyes, peace, God. I think we have seen the last of him. Sam and Gilly come to say goodbye as well, she is pregnant, so they’re like, yeah, all this fighting shit is for the birds. But we’ll see Sam again, maybe not Gilly and the baby, who is hopefully a girl named Jon. Definitely 15/10 will see Sam again. Oh, and Jon sends Ghost off with Tormund, and Ghost is like, fuck is this shit? I ain’t did nothing to no one! People were MAD. I laughed.
-Of course, Tyrion tells Varys, and he wants to marry the two of them since Varys is still skeptical of Dany. Varys is like, yeah, they don’t play that incest stuff in the North. Varys is all about the realm, so I guess, the people, which he has said for years. Anyway, they get to Dragonstone and everything is going so swell, Dany is smiling, the dragons are happy, and then BOOM, Jon’s dragon catches a giant arrow to the chest and looks down like, fuck is this? And then BOOM, another one to the neck. Euron and his crew are chillin’ behind a big-ass rock, which no one managed to catch. I’m okay with it. Again, Dany has never been a tactical genius, she just had a big army and three dragons. It’s like the Warriors and Kevin Durant: ain’t no plays, just give it to him and get out of the way. That’s a lot of sports references in this joint. But it is playoff time. Dany is PISSED and aims to divebomb the boats, but thinks better of it and somehow manages to not lose her dragon. Even Euron is like, so I hit one dragon with two, but we can’t hit one dragon with like, 20 arrows? But he refocuses on her fleet, and well, it doesn’t go well for Team Stormborn. Tyrion almost dies like fiftyeleven times, and ends up in the water with everyone else, and they make it to shore. Grey Worm is looking for Missandei. This is ABSOLUTELY not gon’ end well.
-Finally, the homie Cersei is chillin’, lying to Euron about it being his baby because there is no Maury in Westeros (Is there? Could it be Varys?). Cersei is betting that Dany won’t kill thousands of innocent people, so leave the door open for her and oh yeah, we got Missandei, so that’s a bird in the hand. What a dumb saying that is. Something about hands and bushes and people just made shit up back in the…..actually, we still make up dumb shit. It is smart of Cersei to keep the people in the Red Keep, as to ward off Dany. Hahahahahaha…..if only Dany cared about the kids. In the words of the great Michael Jordan (he didn’t really say this….or did he? He didn’t, but I wouldn’t be shocked at all if he did)…..
-Grey Worm is like, I’m killin’ EVERYONE. Varys tries to tell Dany that this is a mistake and she isn’t having it whatsoever. She said that she was there to free the people of tyrants, but she’ll kill anyone that stands in her way. That’s some good hypocrisy. Tyrion is still tryna keep Dany to kill Cersei, and man, Tyrone, it just has to be this way. Cersei is every bad thing that everyone says about her, and oh my goodness, so much more. Varys is like, this is not a good move, bruh, and I’m going to do something about it, something that has to do with Jon getting on the throne. Varys, The People’s Champ, really outchea tryna get everyone killed. Everyone wants Jon to do a job that he does not want. Tyrion is like, DON’T. Varys is like, well, we’ll see.
-Brienne and Sansa tells Jaime that Dany’s squad got jacked by Cersei and ’em, so obviously, Jaime sneaks in Brienne’s room to do some thinking, and then sneaks out when she wakes up. She goes outside and begs him to stay, but Jaime gotta go and kill his sisterwife. Wifesister? Mother of his children, at the very least. He kinda owes it to everyone. Jaime let a LOT of fuckery go where Cersei is concerned. Shit, he has participated in a solid 40-50% of it. Actually, an extra 10% for kickin’ Bran out the window. Actually, let’s go with a solid 94% of Cersei fuckery has involved Jaime in some sort of way. The extra 6% is attributed to wine. That sucks for Brienne, tho. Gendry, too. Oh well. Big person pants on. No time for shook ones now.
-Dany, Varys, Grey Worm, Tyrion, the dragon and like 40 Unsullied walk up to King’s Landing like they’re selling Girl Guide cookies. Cersei has Missandei on the edge of the wall, and that’s gon’ be a long drop. Dammit, I love Lena Headey. I have no business wanting Cersei to win and I know that she won’t, but Lena has been a beast over the last seven-plus seasons. She should have at least one Emmy. Anyway, they stare at each other for a few minutes before Tyrion walks up to the door, where he is greeted by Qyburn. He tries to talk sense into Qyburn, who ain’t tryna hear it, so Tyrion walks past him to Cersei, who is known for her great listening skills.
-Her shooters point at Tyrion, she tells them to fall back because if Cersei gets to kill Tyrion, it’s going to be way more gross and evil than just a buncha arrows. Think of what she did to the Shame Nun and then multiply that by the number of glasses of wine Cersei has drank in seven-plus seasons. And add spears and knives. And definitely the Mountain.
-For what seems like the 98th time in this show, Tyrion asks Cersei to not be trash for two seconds, and think about her kid. Cersei is like, I might not even be pregnant, so whatever. She asks Missandei what her last words are, and Missandei is like, DRACARYS, aka, y’all better burn this bitch to the GROUND. Cersei is like, I admire that, but the Mountain gotta behead ya. And with that, there goes the best hair in Westeros. If I’m Dany, I’m killing Tyrion right then and there. Enough of all this talking and tryna be nice with Cersei. She is the WORST. She doesn’t deal with negotiations and talking. And Grey Worm is gon’ run up in the Red Keep like the last wrestler in the Royal Rumble. He is catchin’ so many bodies next week. He’ll probably die along the way, but he is taking a buncha people with him. He might have to fight the Hound to get to the Mountain.
Pssssssh, I have no idea what is going to happen over the next two episodes. I saw the next week joint, but I forget it already and I’m okay with that. I’m just soaking all this up. It’s pretty hilarious how the audience has turned on Game Of Thrones, but that says more about us than it does about them. But I’m here for all of the fuckery that is coming our way, and I want the most ridiculous ending possible. I want Cersei riding a dragon into a Six Flags, and I want a scene where Dany walks into a Starbucks and the barista has to say all 46 of her names. Oh, and next week is directed by the battle director from last week, so for the love of God, figure out where your brightness setting is if a nighttime battle. Google it if you have to.
Until the next one…..