Tag Archives: Jorah Mormont

Game Of Thrones S07E7 – The Dragon And The Wolf

Well, here we are, the seventh-season finale for Game Of Thrones, a season in which people had problems with some things. I guess. I got everything I needed to see from a show about dragons and white walkers and things that don’t exist. Anyway, let’s go, because a lot of shit happened and I gotta go to work.

-The episode opens with Grey Worm and the Unsullied standing in King’s Landing, and I don’t know when or how they got from Casterly Rock, but they’re there and that’s fine. The plot needs to move along and goddammit, we don’t have time. Jaime and Bronn make a couple dick jokes, as they’re wont to do around here, and on the low, Bronn is a solid MVP candidate for this season. He’s not the MVP, even though he might have had the single-best episode of anyone of this season, but still, props to him. He got one-liners AND he can fight. Meanwhile, Tyrion, Jon and company are rollin’ up to King’s Landing, and once they get there, it’s reunion city up in here. Tyrion and Pod, Brienne and the Hound (whom she tells Arya is still alive and I swear that dude caught at least two feelings), Tyrion and Bronn, who saw each other at the Jaime/Tyrion meeting, but they didn’t have time to talk. Tyrion tries to bribe Bronn, offering to double his pay as he did in the past and Bronn says he’s doing fine, but trust, Bronn would DEFINITELY betray anyone for money.

-They get to the Dragonpit, which just looks like somewhere that an ambush could happen, and Bronn tells Pod to come get a drink with him to let the fancy people talk. Cersei rolls up with Jaime, FrankenMountain, Qyburn and the squad, and instantly, the Hound walks to FrankenMountain and is like, fuck happened to you, homie? He also says that it won’t end like this for his brother, that he has always known how it ends for him, or some kinda indirect shit……basically, they gotta fight. I’m happy that it didn’t happen here, though, there is time for that down the line. Right now, we gotta get this round table of kings and queens and lords and shit. Cersei asks Tyrion where Dany is and he’s like, she’ll be here. And here she comes, swooping in on Drogon, who gives no semblance of fucks about the walls on the Dragonpit and if you don’t think that Cersei didn’t have that in mind when she chose this meeting place….it’s literally where the dragons died. But Dany doesn’t care and Drogon cares even less, just chillin’ like, hi guys, I will fuck your whole lives up with one word. But Cersei, being Queen Petty is like, bitch, you’re late, we got a schedule to maintain. She doesn’t move, doesn’t blink, nothing. Can’t be outchea showing fear. Now, EVERYONE is here outside of the Stark sisters and Bran, and that’s pretty damn awesome. Seven seasons deep and this is the first time that the likes of Cersei, Dany, Jon, Tyrion, Jaime, the Hound, Jorah, all these characters that we’ve been watching for so long, are all together.

-Then out of nowhere, Euron starts threatening Theon, talkin’ about I’ma kill your sister and then he goes at Tyrion and Cersei is like, if you don’t sit the fuck down, literally no one cares about this fuck-ass storyline, grown folks are tryna talk. I don’t get the Euron love, but I do know I’ll be mad when Theon kills him (which I’ll get to in a bit) and not Jaime. Jaime deserves it. Anyway, Jon tells Cersei about the Night King and the Army of the Dead and all this, and Cersei is like, man, I don’t care about all that, I still don’t even think you know what you’re talkin’ about. The Hound walks up with a backpack full of wight, lets him out and the chain is just long enough so that it’s right in front of Cersei’s face, and she finally flinches, not as much as a buncha other people, though. They kill it and Jon explains that they can kill it with dragonglass and fire, while Qyburn struggles to manage his hard-on at this biological and mythical, um, miracle, I guess you could call it. Anyway, he’s psyched. Jon finally gets to talk about the Great War and all that shit, and Euron is like, this shit is crazy, y’all can have it, they don’t swim, so I’ma take my ships and I’ll be chillin’ on this island until this is over. He leaves and Cersei is like, aight, we can do this, but Jon has to bend the knee and Jon is like, I’m already down with Dany, so Cersei is like, well, fuck off then and leaves. Brienne tries to talk to Jaime to get him to talk to Cersei, and she’s right, this isn’t about houses or any of that right now. Jaime is like, Jesus Christ, do you even know how crazy my sister is? YOU try and tell her that.

-Everyone is like, we’re happy that you’re down with Dany, Jon, but for the love of God, you can’t lie? Of course Jon can’t, but he’s a Stark……right? Anyway, Tyrion says that he’ll fix it……but he needs to talk to Cersei alone and everyone is like, ehhhhhh, I don’t know if that’s a good idea. There is literally a bounty on his head. So he goes to meet her, stops to talk to Jaime for a minute to both be like, yeah, our sister is fucking nuts, and then, led into her chambers by FrankenMountain. And here, we have, by far, the best scene of the episode because Peter Dinklage and Lena Headey remind you that they’re REALLY FUCKING GOOD at acting. The back-and-forth between them was incredible, with Tyrion admitting to everything he did, Cersei sneering, but not over how she missed her father, but how he left their family open to attack. The one time she showed humanity was over Tommen and Myrcella, which she blamed on Tyrion and it wasn’t his fault, and he’s like, fine, do what you gotta, but I loved those kids and you know it. Tyrion sent Myrella away to keep her safe, and Oberyn was the one who got her kid. Tyrion also knew that Tommen was just not built for this, and that’s on Cersei. Tyrion says to her that he’s thought of killing her more times that he can count, and I’ll never not laugh when he says it. He orders that she tell the Mountain to kill him, and I knew that she wouldn’t. Then, he downs a glass of wine, gets one for her and now they can talk rationally because they love booze. Cersei admits what we all know: that she doesn’t give one-third of an iota of a damn about making the world a better place, just about who is in her circle and Tyrion figures out that she is pregnant. That’ll be important for something that comes up later on. Anyway, neither of these two have really been able to stretch out their acting muscles this season on a regular basis. I don’t give a damn. Emmys for everyone based on this scene. EVERYONE.

-Back at the pit, Dany and Jon talk about how they need Cersei to agree to this plan and voila, here she is with Tyrion, agreeing to the plan. A couple things here: the sexual tension between Dany and Jon, I mean, we all knew what was coming later on, right? They practically got you ready for it. But more importantly, here is where you (and I, and I didn’t) should have been like, hmmmm, I wonder what Tyrion said to Cersei to get her to change her mind? Things are starting to get a little screwy. You think Cersei is just gon’ start being nice to mufuckas? I feel stupid.

-Alright, over in Winterfell, Littlefinger is doing his damndest to persuade Sansa that Arya wants her dead. Sansa also isn’t happy about Jon bending the knee to Dany, and Littlefinger is like, well, how about this…..well, we don’t hear him say it, but we’ll see what happened in a minute.

-Back at the war room for Team Snowgaryen, Jon thinks he and Dany should go to the North together to show that they’re together and Lord Friendzone Jorah tries to step in hard on that interception, saying that she should go up by herself. He’ll never stop trying to get her. I wonder what he’ll try next season. But she says she’ll sail up with Jon, and it’s goin’ down. Jon leaves and Theon catches up to him, and long story short, Jon forgives him on some bullshit, he runs down to his people, says some shit about “FOR YARA” and they’re like, if you don’t run the fuck on somewhere. He then proceeds to get the shit beat out of him by big dude, who says that he’ll kill him if he doesn’t stay down. Oh, NOW he gets some courage and keeps getting up. Big dude knees him in the non-existent nuts and for whatever reason, that hulks Theon up like, I AIN’T EVEN GOT NUTS, and he turns the tables and beats big dude to death, even though it doesn’t look like his punches hurt half as much as big dude. Anyway, the Ironborn get behind him, they’re going to get Yara or something and I wanted to stop watching because fuck Theon, fuck his story, fuck every single person that loves him and I’ll be so mad when he kills Euron. That shit should have better odds than prime Tiger Woods at the Masters. It’s happening, more than any other thing that it is set to happen in this show. I WANT DROGON TO EAT HIS LIFE.

-Alright, I feel a bit better.

-Back to Winterfell, Sansa calls Arya into a room of soldiers and starts talkin’ about murder and treason……but she accuses Littlefinger of it and booooooooooyyyyy, does he ever get to stammering. He starts coppin’ every plea in the book and all I needed was to see Arya take a big ol’ sip of a glass of tea while Sansa is like, you killed my aunt, you wanted to have her husband killed, you started the whole Lannister-Stark beef, you got my father killed and they didn’t get to him tryna kill Bran, which I don’t know if they know, although you’d figure that Ol’ Three Eyed Raven Face over there would know. Bran is like, yo, you held a knife to our father’s throat and said I told you not to trust me and Littlefinger is like HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL OF THESE THINGS, B. Arya also says that he told her mother that the dagger was Tyrion’s and really it was his and that’s when he’s like, yo, Knights, y’all gotta get me outta here and they’re like, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP I DON’T THINK SO, TIM, and anyway, Arya kills him with the dagger like we all hoped she would. The internet partied. Littlefinger had a good run, he really shouldn’t have lasted this long. Someone pointed it out on the internet, I really need to start liking these tweets and remembering, but they said that Littlefinger got cocky and should have gotten the fuck outta dodge when Bran hit him with the “Chaos is a ladder” joint. The ONLY person that would know about that is Varys. Nah, bruh, you gotta get outta there, ASAPtually. Anyway, peace to Littlefinger. It was fun. And shouts to Sansa for catching on. I knew she wasn’t that stupid. She’s smarter than you think. She’s not brilliant or anything, but she does enough to stay alive.

-Cersei and Jaime meet up as he is readying the troops for this Up North Trip (shouts to Mobb Deep, RIP Prodigy) and she tells him nah, in the illustrious words of the South Central Mozambiquean poet, Kendrick Lamar, FUCK YO TRUCE, and all this shit was a set-up. Euron is going to get the Golden Company, she’s gon’ let Dany and Jon think she has their back, something happened to the dragons because there was three and now there is two, so she’s gon’ figure that out with all these mercenaries. Jaime is like, did you NOT just see what the fuck I seen? Between the wight and the dragons and the Dothraki and the Unsullied and the North and all that shit, you STILL wanna do this? But even Jaime, yes, Jaime, underestimated the pettiness and insanity of his sisterbabymama. Cersei is going down fighting, regardless, and would you put it past her to try and become the damn Night Queen if that means staying alive? Shit, at this point, I would put that at like, +800 (which are decent odds). Jaime is like, fuck it, I’m going north and FrankenMountain gets in the way. Here is where I thought it was going down. I was more afraid of Jaime dying than Tyrion, and I don’t mean afraid in that I care about Jaime living or dying, but that she’d actually do it, which she didn’t. Those two dying at the hands of each other has to be like, +400. Jaime leaves by himself, puts a glove on his gold hand like it’s gon’ get cold or something, feels the snow falling like, the fuck is this winter shit (I imagine this is what people in Los Angeles or something would feel like if they saw snow) and headed north.

-Sam gets to Winterfell with Gilly and, um, I think his name is Sam Jr, Lil’ Sam? Tim? Anyway, the baby (I can never remember his name). He meets Bran, who you’d think would know he was coming, but whatever, Sam asks him what happened to him beyond the Wall and Bran is like, I became the Three Eyed Raven. Sam hits that Sansa line and is like, I don’t know what that means. Bran explains that he can see all of the things, past and present, all of the time, but then he asks Sam what he wants and I’d be like, I THOUGHT YOU KNEW EVERYTHING, B. Sam says that Jon is the one to lead the fight against the Army of the Dead, but he can’t do it alone. Bran is like, he’s on his way back with Daenerys Targaryen, and Sam is like, vision? And Bran is like, nah, raven, dogg. Then Bran spills all the tea on Jon, that he is the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark, and Sam is like, yooooooooooooo, I stole this diary and I read that Rhaegar’s first marriage was annulled and he actually married Lyanna, so Jon is actually a trueborn Targaryen, which means he is the heir to the Iron Throne. And I bet Sam will have to be the one to tell Jon because Sam always has to tell Jon some bad news.

-So now, we get to incest time, and they brood, and they look at each other longingly, and they smash. Which sparked an international conversation about how much incest is too much incest, and if they didn’t know it was incest, is it REALLY incest? The answer is, man, this show was built on incest and the entire Targaryen empire was built on incest, so you know wanna know what? Let them cook. Send Jaime back to King’s Landing and let’s have a tag-team incest match between Dany and Jon (or whatever his real name is, I’m calling him Jon for the rest of the show, so whatever), and Jaime and Cersei. And I still think Tyrion is a Targaryen somehow, someway, until they prove that he is not, and then it’s a handicap match. I didn’t even mean that, that actually wrote itself. But I stand behind it.

-So now, we have Tyrion, who sees Jon go inside and he’s like, awwwww man…..this is bad. Now, this could go a couple ways. I initially thought that it was because, it’s just a bad time for all this, incest or not…..gotta stay focus on the task at hand. But then my girl sent me this Huffington Post article (thanks, lovey) because she asked me why Tyrion cared that Cersei was pregnant, because really, he shouldn’t give a damn. I don’t even think that she is, 100%, but since Maury can’t make an appearance, we’ll just have to trust Cersei, which sounds really fucking stupid, but here we are. Did Tyrion get soft and cut a deal with Cersei to betray Dany? And then there is the whole matter of Tyrion mentioning shit to Dany about having an heir to the throne, since she said she can’t have kids. Anyway, it’s a very interesting article. Quite frankly, I don’t really read many articles on Game Of Thrones just because people pick it apart and it’s all too damn much when really, it’s just a television show. But it’s worth a click.

-Arya and Sansa stand on top of a wall and they’re cool now, and they miss their father. Good for them. I think I’d care more if they got all the Theon time. Yes, I definitely would.

-Bran is out by the tree, wargin’ away the time, and he sends the ravens to the Wall, where Tormund and Beric are there, when they notice the Army of the Dead coming out of the trees. And that’s when I’m like, LOOK UP, MUFUCKAS, LOOK UP, YOU KNOW WHAT’S COMING. The Night King rolls up with Viserion and starts wreckin’ shop, shooting some sort of blue flame at the Wall and he brought that mufucka down like it was made of Lego. I’m sure Beric and Tormund survived somehow, but that shit ain’t important because the spectacle of Viserion just flapping there, breathing fire with all of his might until the Wall came down, man, if that didn’t move your soul to a different place, then we ain’t built the same and that’s completely fine. Anyway, they’re coming now, and they got two years to get there, so they should be at Winterfell by then.

-Season 7 MVP (Character) – The Night King. HE HAS A FUCKING ZOMBIE DRAGON. WHAT ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT?

-Season 7 MVP (Actor/Actress) – Lena Headey, for the scene here and the joint where she locked Ellaria and her daughter up. Cersei is a goddamn maniac.

Well, that was fun. And sometimes, that’s all that needs to be had. Mufuckas was outchea making Game Of Thrones The Walking Dead. Nah. Not tryna hear it, especially in a fantasy show. And we wouldn’t even be in this position if homeboy had gotten the books done, maybe. But I don’t even care. It’s still the heavyweight champion of television and dammit, I was entertained. I’ll be shallow, but I’ll be entertained.

Anyway, I could probably add another 1,000 words, but I gotta get to work. Maybe I’ll update or write another post at some point. Shit, we got like, two years until it comes back, so I have plenty of time. They shouldn’t even tell us when it drops, just drop Season 8 in the middle of the night like a Beyonce album and see how many mufuckas call in to work that day, Thanks for rockin’ with me, shouts to Pat for being my editor and yeah……we’ll do this again in 2019 (although I might do something for American Horror Story, depending on work life).

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Game Of Thrones S07E06 – Beyond The Wall

Game Of Thrones heads beyond the wall with this latest episode as Ridiculous Plan #1482 is executed, successfully, I guess. However, the Night King now has his best weapon against the best weapon that Jon and ’em had against him, and next season is about to be so very lit. Let’s go….

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-Not that many places to jump around to this week. Start in Winterfell, where Arya is being super pressed about Sansa and that letter that Littlefinger planted for her to find. She shows Sansa the letter and Sansa tries to explain, but Arya ain’t tryna hear it, saying that Sansa just stood there at Ned’s execution. Sansa was like, OH, so you were also there and ALSO didn’t do anything about it? If you don’t get outta here with that, which is a fair point. Sansa also says that Winterfell would still be under Bolton rule if it wasn’t for the Knights of the Vale coming for her, which again, is fair. But I can’t help but think that this is all a ruse by Arya, who already knows that Sansa is going to run back to Littlefinger, which she eventually does. Sansa thinks the letter will turn the lords of the North against her, and she tells him that she and Arya are beefin’, and Littlefinger is like, oh word, you don’t say? He’s such a dirtbag. No way he survives this. You think Arya went to the Faceless State University just to be taken down by this guy? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP.

-Sansa gets a letter from Cersei, who wants her to come to King’s Landing, but she wants to send Brienne instead based on her relationship with Jaime. Brienne doesn’t want to leave her with Littlefinger, and Sansa won’t listen to her. I believe Sansa is playing Littlefinger as much as he is playing her; I just think he’s better at it. She has gotten better, but she shouldn’t get too deep with this battle, although this is like, two seasons deep now and she doesn’t really have a choice.

-Sansa then breaks into Arya’s room and finds the bag of faces, including Walder Frey, which is pretty good. Arya is like, you like what you see? She asks Sansa to play that stupid game that Jaqen wanted her to play, and Sansa is like, I’m not doing that shit, what’s up with these faces, tho? Arya responds that they both wanted to be other people as she wanted to be a fighter, and Sansa wanted to be a queen. This allows Arya to be someone else, even Sansa, and she creepily pulls out a dagger, which she leaves with Sansa. Sansa is slowly coming to grips with the fact that her little sister is a goddamn lunatic. She needs to use that to her advantage. This doesn’t need to end any other way than with Arya cutting Littlefinger. Quickly, it’s a shame that there weren’t more scenes between Maisie Williams and Sophie Turner. They bring out the best in each other. I’m not a huge fan of either character on their own, but together, yeah, I fucks with that.

-Alright, on to Dragonstone, where Dany and Tyrion are talking about Cersei wanting to meet at King’s Landing. Tyrion thinks it’s a trap, because Cersei, but Dany is like, you see all these Unsullied and Dothraki I still have? She would have even more if she went back and got Grey Worm and ’em, but that’s next week, I think. Tyrion is tryna tell Dany to stay calm, and that Cersei and Joffrey rule with fear, which means people will try to overthrow them. He also brings up a plan for Dany’s succession due to her not being able to have kids, which I forgot about. It has to do with the spell in Season 1 put on her by Mirri Maz Duur, who basically killed Drogo and Dany’s unborn son, who was stillborn. I assume the spell also made her infertile? Oh well, she gave birth to dragons, which are much cooler than children. Dany is like, the fuck is with this succession shit? Why are you talkin’ about this right now? And why should I listen to you when your plans have been, by and large, hot garbage? All fair points. She listened to Tyrion and lost Highgarden, Dorne and the Greyjoy armies. She did what she wanted to do, and destroyed the Lannister forces. Remember, Lady O said stop listening to dudes because they ain’t shit? She was probably right, well, mostly right. I don’t think you can be totally right in Game Of Thrones.

-Jon and the Suicide Squad (I’m not calling them “Snocean’s Seven” or whatever the internet was calling it, that’s stupid) head out on Operation: Get Wight, and the first part of it all is just talking. Gendry is mad because the Brotherhood sold him to Melisandre and the Hound is like, BUT DID YOU DIE, THO? Jon and Jorah talk about their fathers and Jon tries to give Jorah his father’s sword, but Jorah doesn’t think he is worthy of it. Tormund talks about Brienne with the Hound, who is like, yeah, I think I know who you’re talkin’ about, she damn near killed me (which he didn’t say to Tormund). There were a couple zingers, but nothing really memorable. I’m sure people were psyched about Tormund and the Hound going back and forth. It was fine. I’m so impatient at this point in the show. If it doesn’t have to do with the story, I really don’t have time for it.

-Alright, shit gets real when a bear wight comes out of nowhere. So I’ll explain this now: the White Walkers are the things that have blue eyes; the wights are the zombie mufuckas, basically GOT’s version of Foot Soldiers, shouts to Ninja Turtles. The Night King is the first White Walker, and White Walkers have the ability to turn other things into White Walkers. Remember Craster’s baby back in Season 4? Yeah, that. Anyway, the bear fucks a couple people up, no one important, although Thoros gets caught and Beric cures him with the flaming sword of glory. Beric is pretty handy to have around; also, being able to come back to life, that’s a very good skill to have. I’d be reckless as shit with that.

-They’re walking, and they’re walking, and then the party sees a group of wights led by a White Walker. Now, why there is a random offshoot group of them by themselves, I don’t know, but it’s fine. They set a trap for the group and then ambush them, and Jon kills the White Walker, which causes them all to disintegrate but one. They jump it and tie it up, and off they go. Why didn’t this creature get affected, but the rest did? I’m not sure, but they got it and there it goes.

-A massive group of wights (I’m trying SO hard not to get these jokes off about massive groups of wights, but those are too easy) are alerted by the one wight’s screams, so Thoros tells Gendry to leave his hammer and go get ravens to Dany that they need help. Jon and the squad manage to get to the middle of a lake, but they’re surrounded by like, thousands of wights. Gendry eventually makes it to Eastwatch and collapses, and when he comes to, he tells Davos to get these ravens on the go. I have no idea how long Gendry was running for, but again, time doesn’t matter in this show.

-Thoros dies, which is fine, no one really cared about him (by no one, I mean me). They burn his body and Beric suggest to Jon that he just kill the Night King and Jon is like, oh geez, thanks, tips, just as easy as that, huh? Sure, if they kill him, all of the wights might die, but he’s a pretty tough guy to get to, much less kill. Beric says that the Lord of Light didn’t bring Jon back to life for no reason, which is fair, but dammit, that’s a really hard thing to do and you don’t think Jon hasn’t thought of this already? Yeesh. Thanks for nothing, except for a super-cool flaming sword.

-Dany gets the letter and gets ready to ride out, and Tyrion doesn’t want her to go. Again, Dany is like, I’m not listening to your dumb ass anymore and takes all three dragons with her. Meanwhile, the Hound decides that it’s time to fuck around and throws rocks at the wights, which is simply fucking stupid. The wights realize that the ice is now strong enough and they can start moving in on the crew and everyone is like, THANKS, HOUND, ‘PRECIATE IT. They get to fighting, fighting, fighting, fighting, but Jon eventually tells them to fall back. Tormund gets swarmed by the wights, but somehow not only doesn’t get messed up, but the Hound saves him. Another dude falls into a pit of wights and yeah, he got fucked up, b.

-But out of nowhere, Dany flies in on Drogon and the other two, and starts wreckin’ shop. Drogon ran up in there like the 30th man at the Royal Rumble and shit. He settles down and Viserion and Rhaegal keep up the fight, while the group puts the captured wight on Drogon and they load up as well. However, the Night King steps up like Dan Marino and hits Viserion right in the neck. Everyone looks like, well, shit, that’s a game-changer as Viserion falls into the ice, crashes through and sinks. The Night King wants to throw another one, but Jon rushes him and is dragged under the ice by two wights, but he tells Dany to roll out.

-But WAIT, it gets better. Dany and ’em leave, and the Night King and company leave as well, which leaves Jon underwater with the wights, who die, I assume. I don’t know how much longer it is, but Jon pops up because people don’t drown on this show. More wights show up and try to get Jon, but uncle Benjen Stark pops up and gives Jon his horse. The wights eventually swarm him, though. So now we have wight uncle Benjen AND wight Hodor to look forward to.

-The Hound loads up the wight into a boat at Eastwatch and says he never wants to see Tormund and Beric again. Dany sends Drogon and Rhaegal to find Jon, but he rolls up anyway on the horse, all fucked up. Also, let’s give props to Dany’s coat. That joint was smoove. Everyone’s fur game was pretty tight in this episode, actually.

-Jon wakes up to find Dany staring at him, and he says, hey, maybe that was a stupid idea, and you lost a dragon because of it. But now Dany knows that the Army of the Dead is actually a thing, and she’s more down to fight them and leave all this throne shit behind. Dany also says that she doesn’t like being called Dany; the last person to call her that was Viserys and well, he was kind of a piece of shit brother. So Jon is like, fine, I’ll call you my Queen and I’ll bend the knee, but I’m kinda fucked up right now and I’ll do it when I can stand and shit. They hold hands for a minute and dammit, someone gotta get Bran in a room with Jon for just 10 minutes.

-We end with the wights pulling Viserion’s body out of the lake with some big-ass chains that people are kinda pressed about on the internet. The Night King walks up to him and puts his hands on his face, and BOOM, his eyes open and they’re blue. So, for everyone pressed about the chains because it was really weird to see how many people were mad about it:

WHO FUCKING CARES BECAUSE WE HAVE MOTHERFUCKING ICE ZOMBIE DRAGONS!

Say it with me now:

MOTHERFUCKING ICE ZOMBIE DRAGONS, B!

-Now, in theory, this blows the “Tyrion is a dragon rider” theory out of the water, but I still think he is a Targaryen. He’s just not a dragon-rider. That’s fine. So now I’m getting ready for this handicap match between the Night King and Viserion against Dany and Drogon, and Jon and Rhaegal. I’m so here for this dragon on dragon violence. Probably won’t get that until the final season, tho. It’ll be interesting to see what Viserion can shoot out of his mouth, either fire or ice, but that’ll have a hand in how they get through the Wall, I’d bet.

Oh, quick aside: I’m putting GOT above Breaking Bad now, so it’s #2 on the list. Breaking Bad was amazing. Hell, Breaking Bad was the reason that I started doing these recaps, and it’s a wonderful show. Guess what it ain’t have, tho:

MOTHERFUCKING ICE ZOMBIE DRAGONS.

One episode left. Giddy up, y’all.

Game Of Thrones S07E2 – Stormborn

Game Of Thrones rolls on with “Stormborn”, which doesn’t waste any time getting right into the story. They don’t have much time left, and there are no wasted scenes like Dany’s three-day walk up to her long-ass Dragonstone driveway. Let’s go…..

-Dany is in the war room with Tyrion and Varys, and they’re talking about how she was born, hence the title of the episode. Tyrion is tryna talk her out of burning the shit outta Cersei, which would be entertaining and all, but not the smartest of moves, which is why he is the Hand. Dany is like, fine, whatever, so, Varys, what’s good with that assassins you sent for me? But to his credit, Varys doesn’t back down from the Dragon Queen and says that he switched sides with everyone else because they were incompetent, and that he is penis-less and straight out the ‘hood, G. He’s for the people and that she’s the last real one alive, but if she just wants blind loyalty from her, she might as well kill him. Dany’s like, okay, you get a shot and you gotta be real with me, because if you don’t, BBQ bird will be on the menu (no penis intended). Varys says that he would expect nothing less. So, I hope we all know and realize that Dany is crazy, yeah? There is this whole thing surrounding Dany that she is the savior of the show and one of the protagonists along with Jon, and sure, she might be. But I hope we all know and realize that if you sideeye her, she’ll set your family and soul on the reddest of fires.

-Speaking of fires, Melisandre the Catfish shows up to tell Dany that she might be The Prince That Was Promised, which comes from the Lord of Light. At this point, I’m not sure I’d trust Melisandre because she stays being wrong about shit. First, it was Stannis, who I STILL think is alive somehow. Then it was Jon, who she brought back to life, I guess, and now it might be Dany. Melisandre tells Dany that she should talk to Jon because he’s the King in the North now and has the Wildlings as well, and Tyrion is like, cool, Jon and I hung out at the Wall, he’s good people. Dany is like, sure, I’ll holla at him, but he better come in knee bent….or again, surely, fire and tyranny. Which I wouldn’t really be mad at. Dany is on her kiss-the-ring shit and this shit should have been done two seasons ago.

-Next, the war plan is set with Yara and Ellaria wanting to go in on King’s Landing, and Tyrion goes at Ellaria for poisoning Ellaria, while she’s like, bitch, my man died for your punk ass, sit down somewhere. Dany shuts shit down and tells Ellaria to respect her Hand, and we ain’t gotta deal with this now. Lady O steps in to ask Dany sarcastically if she’s gon’ take the throne politely, and that Cersei got it by blowing everyone up, including Margaery. Tyrion then comes up with a plan, which means the Tyrell army and the Dornish army going into King’s Landing because the Unsullied and Dothraki would bring together all the armies of Westeros, because racism (and he’s right). So, while they’re doing that, the Unsullied and ’em would take over Casterly Rock, which means Cersei would have nowhere to retreat to after King’s Landing was invaded. Yara would take Ellaria back to Dorne to get her people, and then head to King’s Landing. Sure, seems like a good plan. The Casterly Rock bit was especially good because I think that might be the last true place that fucks with the Lannisters, and not just because Cersei is crazy.

-Then there is a dope scene with Dany and Lady O, who basically tells her to stop listening to people and that all this peace shit gotta stop. Be a dragon and burn mufuckas. You don’t have time for all this Kumbaya shit, and that’s the only way that this will work. Again, not wrong. She wasn’t down with sacrificing her army at first, but Lady O knows what’s good.

-Grey Worm tells Missandei that she is his weakness, she gets naked, so does he, and we still don’t know what he has. Did they take the whole package or leave something? Anyway, what he does do is, in the words of the great southwestern Unsullied warriors, he shows her what dat mouf do. Good for him.

-Cersei tries to rally the troops because Dany is coming with the brown people that will rape and pillage their women…..does that sound a little familiar to, well, everyone living in this real world right now? Randyll Tarly, Sam’s pops, asks her what she’s gon’ do about these dragons, tho, and Cersei is all, we’re working on something. Randyll and Jaime talk, and Jaime even tries to give him a promotion to general if House Tarly works with them, but Randyll is still loyal to Lady O. Jaime is like, man, I know my sister is fucking crazy, but compared to Dany, this is the move, and Randyll might have bought it, or at least put on that he did.

-Meanwhile, Qyburn takes Cersei underneath the Red Keep and tells her that dragons can be hurt by spears, so he has come up with a super-crossbow that will fuck Drogon’s whole life up. She then tests it out on Balerion, which was the dragon of Aegon Targaryen, the first Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and the starter of all this Targaryen shit, basically. That shit smashes through the skull so smoothly. Cersei is like, I need my wine so I can get this conniving smirk on.

-Jon gets a letter from Tyrion about Dany, but he and Sansa don’t think he should go now; Davos does, tho. Then he gets a letter from Sam about Dany sitting on ALL of the dragonglass, and that changes his mind about going there. A whole buncha people think it’s a terrible idea, but Jon is like, guess what the White Walkers are….ice, and what hurts ice……DRAGONS, B. Anyway, he’s going because he’s the King and fuck what y’all are on, and Sansa is in charge, so don’t try and pull any substitute-teacher shit.

-Littlefinger meets up with Jon and tells him that Tyrion can be trusted, and that he loved Catelyn and Jon is like, if you don’t get the fuck on. Then he tells Jon that he loves Sansa and Jon grabs him up by the throat, which Littlefinger might have liked because I bet he’s into all that shit. Gettin’ high heels in the small of his back and shit. Anyway, Jon and ’em roll out and he waves to Sansa, meanwhile, if Littlefinger had a moustache, he woulda twirled that shit.

-Arya meets up with the homie Hot Pie, who I had to Google because we ain’t seen him since Season 3. He makes good pies now, and he doesn’t even make Arya pay for it. He also tells her that Cersei blew everyone up in King’s Landing, and that Jon is the King of the North now, so she should probably go there. She does, but then she is surrounded by a pack of wolves, led by Nymeria, who is now big as all shit. She recognizes Arya, which is good for her because Nymeria would have fucked her up. But Nymeria doesn’t wanna go to Winterfell with her and lets her go, to which Arya remarks, “that’s not you”. We’ll see Nymeria again. I promise you that. Basically right when Arya is about to meet her end, I bet.

-Sam and the Archmaester check out Jorah’s greyscale, so it’s good that they didn’t waste any time telling us what 95% of us probably knew. The Archmaester says that he can’t be saved, but he’ll give Jorah one more day because he is, or at least was, a knight. Sam instead says that two cases of greyscale have been treated, but here is the thing: this shit is gon’ HURT. Like, death really might have been better than watching Sam tear the skin right off of Lord Friendzone, and then he puts a little ointment on it. Now, does he have to tear off all of the greyscale, or just a little? Because if it’s all of it, man, fuck all that, just kill me, dogg. I’d never make it. But Jorah gotta stay alive for the woman that he’ll never get, so I guess it’s worth it? Anyway, once he’s done torturing him and he’s better, Sam will tell Jorah that Dany is at Dragonstone with Jon, and they’ll become the next Arya/Hound and Brienne/Pod duo.

-The final scene is the battle, and we all saw that: there was a buncha fighting and shit. Also, Yara and Ellaria start making out, which was kinda unnecessary, I guess, although it did make Theon uncomfortable, and I’m all for him not feeling good in any way, shape or form. Anyway, Euron and his people show up and start kicking all sorts of ass. Two of Ellaria’s daughters are killed by Euron, while the third, along with Ellaria, are taken hostage. That’s cool, because the Sand Snakes were kinda wack. I’m sure they were better in the book because as book readers will tell you, everything is better in the book because books have words on paper and shit. Yara and Euron have a go and Euron wins, and Theon is about to step in. Euron wants him to try and save his sister, and Theon thinks about it for a minute, and then…..well, this tweet says it better than anything I could write.

-Seriously, if you still feel bad for Theon, you’re a sucker. I hope everything in life that is bad happens to him. Like, all that shit that Ramsay did to him? I want that to be a playground compared to what eventually happens to him. Dogg, this was your one chance to redeem yourself. They better not give him any more chances. That was it. Next time we see Theon, he better be on a stick. Ol’ ball-less face ass. I hate that dude.

I think that was everything, I think we’ve seen everyone that needs to be seen now. I think next week is the Battle of Casterly Rock, there was a snippet where some mufuckas were invading something, so I’m guessing it was that. Really, all we need to see now is fighting and scheming. No sexy times, we don’t have time for that and you can see nudity literally any time you want on the internet, and in really gross fashion if you’re into that sort of thing. But let’s see if Cersei can pivot if she loses Casterly Rock, or at least can Jaime can persuade her to not be petty for like, 10 minutes (spoiler: he can’t). Oh, Jon meets Dany next week. She needs to greet him with a “what up, nephew” (I know she doesn’t know yet, either). Oh, and check in with the mufuckas on The Wall. Next week is four minutes long than the first two episodes, so we should be able to squeeze in some extra shit.

Game Of Thrones S07E01- Dragonstone

The king is back. It seems like forever that the sixth season of Game Of Thrones had ended, but here we are, kicking off Season 7 with “Dragonstone”. There is no sense bitching about it being a shorter season (the episodes are longer, though); just sit back and enjoy these next seven weeks, because Season 8 ain’t gon’ be out for a long-ass minute. Let’s go……

-Suppose we should talk about the beginning first, yeah? It’s always fun with GOT kicks off right away with a scene, instead of the credits. Here, we have Walder Frey, who is doing something for his people and giving them their second feast within a fortnight. So obviously, you should know something is about to go down. Remember, we last saw Walder getting his throat cut by Arya in the same manner as her mother. And also, why would you think that Walder friggin’ Frey would do anything nice for anyone? As soon as he told his daughter/wife beside him not to drink the wine, I was like, yup, he’s poisoning them. That alone makes Arya the MVP for this episode. She walked out that joint like Antonio Banderas in the bar scene in “Desperado”.

-We’ll finish her off now as Arya stumbles upon some Lannister soldiers in the woods, and they share her rabbit meat and wine with her. Also, Ed Sheeran shows up and he is singing his new song, apparently. Maisie Williams (Arya) is a big fan, and he loves the show, so they hooked her up. It’s not a big deal, everyone. He was on screen for like, 45 seconds. You’ll be fine. Anyway, she tells them that she’s going to kill the Queen, and everyone laughs after a second. Oooooooh, if only y’all knew.

-Who is left on Arya’s kill list? Cersei, FrankenMountain, Melisandre, Beric Dondarrion and Thoros, and Ilyn Payne. You’ll know who they are when you read about ’em.

-Alright, on to Cersei, who is making a giant war map of Westeros to figure out her next plan, which likely involves killing everyone and everything. Jaime tells Cersei that they need allies because everyone is against them, but Cersei isn’t shook, she’s all about creating this dynasty. She also knows that Tyrion is with Dany, who wants the throne back, and Jaime says that they’ll be going to Dragonstone, which is where she was born, and there is deep enough water for her ships to drop anchor. So Cersei is like, you want allies? Cool. She calls up Euron Greyjoy, who is now the king of House Greyjoy and apparently, he got his 1000 ships made, which makes no sense as half of his people left with Yara and Theon, but hey, details, schmetails. Jaime isn’t a fan of this plan as he doesn’t think much of the Greyjoys, both as being loyalty or when it comes to fighting. However, he did want to stab Euron then and there after Euron, following a marriage proposal to Cersei, said that he was there with ships and two good hands. Jaime had to bite his tongue like shit. Euron then says that he’ll be back with a gift, and I assume that gift is Tyrion’s head. He said earlier that Cersei should try killing her brother as he did, and it feels good. Also, Yara and Theon are with Dany and Tyrion, so there is that.

-On to the Citadel, which is where Sam is learning to be a maester, but really, nah. All he does is serve food that looks like actual shit, and then he cleans the actual shit, and plays librarian. He wants to move the process along, but the Archmeister, even though he believes that Sam has seen the White Walkers, tells him to chill and that the Wall will stand as it always has. However, Sam steals a kep and gets a book that tells him there is a bunch of dragonglass underneath Dragonstone. Sam was told this by Stannis, who took over Dragonstone, but he didn’t believe. Sam is collecting bowls of food when he is grabbed by an arm that looks all sorts of fucked up, and the person asks if the Dragon Queen was back yet. That’s gotta be Jorah, right? That arm looked mighty greyscaled. I’m not going back to look at the silhouette, but I’d bet that it’s Jorah.

-Let’s head to the North next, where Jon Snow wants everyone ready for war and that they need dragonglass. Some dude is like, really, the women though? Lyanna Mormont steps up and like, yeah, b, us too, you got a problem with that? She’s so good. I can see her getting some sort of nomination for something if she gets a lot of speaking parts this season. Jon also wants to work with the Umbers and Karstarks, although Sansa is against it as their former leaders fought with Ramsay Bolton, but they’re dead now, as Jon points out. Jon and Sansa have a public tiff which they really should have talked about before they went into this meeting. But Jon is right for the most part because they really need every single person for this war, which is and has always been the overarching story of Game Of Thrones. All this petty shit won’t mean anything when the White Walkers come.

-Oh, before I forget. We see the White Walkers, led by the Night’s King. They’re walking. They’re white. They have mufuckin’ giants, bruh. GIANTS.

-Back to the North, where Jon and Sansa go back and forth about how to rule, and Sansa wants him to watch out for Cersei, which again, is petty and will be the downfall of Cersei and Sansa. Definitely Cersei, who sends a letter telling the North to bow to her. Also, Brienne and Pod are sparring with swords, well, Brienne is actually just kicking his ass until Tormund shows up and starts giving her the “when you gon’ let me get a shot at the title, girl” eyes. Brienne goes to Sansa and says that she doesn’t trust Littlefinger, who showed up earlier, and Sansa doesn’t trust him either, but they need men as they did against Ramsay. Sansa also says she knows what Littlerfinger wants, so her and Brienne have something in common: these men won’t leave us alone, dammit.

-The Hound is riding around with Beric Dondarrion and Thoros, and they find a house to chill in for the night because it’s damn cold. The Hound is like, these people don’t want us here and if you watched the “previously on Game Of Thrones” part, you’ll know that he and Arya ran across this farmer and his daughter way back in Season 4. Anyway, they’re dead now and the guess is that the farmer killed himself and his daughter before they starved to death. The Hound asks Beric why the Lord of Light keeps bringing him back to life because there isn’t anything special about him. Beric is like, dude, I don’t know, I ask myself that shit every day. But then he and Thoros tell the Hound to look into the fire, which is hilarious because we all know how the Hound feels about fire, and he sees the Wall, and the army of the dead marching, which startles the fuck outta him. So now, he’s starting to get it, well, get something, at least. Then, he goes out and buries the farmer and his daughter with Thoros’ help. What a nice guy.

-At the Wall, Meera and Bran show up to Castle Black, and Edd greets them, but is skeptical about who they are. Bran says that he knows that Edd has seen the White Walkers and that he fought with Jon, and Edd is like, seems about right. He lets them in. Bran still can’t walk. Meera gotta be tired as shit draggin’ his big ass around.

-Finally, we get to Dragonstone, where Dany, Tyrion, Grey Worm, Missandei and the crew show up. Not much happens here, although we get that Dany is home. They walk silently throughout the place, and they get to the throne room, where Dany looks at the battle board and says to Tyrion, “shall we begin?”. It’s about to be fuckin’ ON.

And that was the first episode of what is setting up to be a massive, massive season of Game Of Thrones. This episode was 59 minutes, and so will next week, and outside of Episode 4, all of the episodes are of extra length. There are a few characters left to catch up on, such as Lady O (aligned with Dany and Cersei is not happy about it because she has all the food). Melisandre is somewhere catfishing people. Cersei is also lookin’ to get back to Dorne and get at the Sand Snakes, too, because petty lives matter. But really, if it ain’t about the Great War, I’m not tryna hear it.

Welcome back, Game Of Thrones. You’ve been missed.

Game Of Thrones S06E05 – The Door

We’ve reached the halfway point of Season 6 of Game Of Thrones with “The Door”, which I thought was going to involve the moon door because Littlefinger is back and we haven’t seen it for a while. Boy, was I ever wrong. Let’s go……..

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-Let’s start at the Wall, where Sansa gets a letter from Littlefinger, so she heads to Mole’s Town with Brienne to basically give him shit about giving her to Ramsay. She hit Littlefinger with all of the ether, asking if he knew what Ramsay was about (he did) and what he did to her (rape was really the best-case scenario for her, as fucked as that is). Littlefinger was like, yo, I got an army and we’ll protect you and Sansa wasn’t tryna hear it at all. She wants to get Brienne to kill him, but not really, even though he probably deserves it. But Littlefinger does tell her that her great-uncle Brynden Tully, uncle of her mother Catelyn, has taken Riverrun and she should holla at him to to help her. We haven’t seen Brynden since Season 3, and he went to pee outside, which is how he missed out on getting slaughtered at the Red Wedding. Anyway, Sansa says she has her brother’s wildlings and Littlefinger was like, half-brother….which is true, but ballsy when you’re walking past Brienne, who wouldn’t need a sword to fuck my man up.

Then Sansa meets up with Jon, Davos, Melisandre and the crew to figure out what the plan is for this war. They name a buncha smaller houses that they could enlist, then Sansa tells Jon about their great-uncle’s army, but she lies about where she got the information. Brienne calls her out on it later, and Sansa is like, fuck that, you go south and talk to Brynden about it. Also, Brienne was like, I dunno about that Tormund fella. Little does she know….he’s about to get all in that ass. I don’t know why I’m so excited to see this. But one thing that stood out to me: Brienne doesn’t trust Melisandre for obvious reasons and she tells Sansa about the Vagina Shadow Monster that killed Renly. If I’m Sansa, I’m like, sooooooooo can we use this magic or what? The hell with these past beefs, there is no time for that anymore. Deal with that later after we take down this dude that rapes and flays mufuckas. Get Melisandre to put that VSM to work.

-Dany is chillin’, lookin’ quite good for someone that just killed a slew a mufuckas and walked out of some fire. She tells Jorah that she banished him twice and he keeps coming back, and he saved her life, which I’m not sure how much he actually did, but whatever, it’s fine. Then Lord Friend Zone finally tells Dany how he feels, and Daario is chillin’ in the back like, is this old dude really taking my place right now? Jorah shows her the greyscale and Dany orders him to go and find a cure, and come back to her because she can’t rule Westeros without him. Dany and Daario take the Dothraki, I don’t know, I guess back to Meereen, while Jorah goes his own way. Goddamn, Daario didn’t even do anything and just took a big-ass L. He’s lucky with all the shit he talked, Jorah ain’t put the greyscale in his mouth.

-Move to Braavos, where Arya is still gettin’ fucked up by the Waif, who keeps calling her Lady Stark and basically tells her she ain’t about this life. Then ol’ vague-ass Jaqen comes him to tell her about an actress that he wants to give a gift to, from the Many-Faced God, and it’s a vial of poison. I’m getting real sick of this vague-ass mufucka. So she goes to see this play, which is a comic reenactment of the War of the Five Kings, so we see Robert’s death and we also see them make Ned look like a fool, and I thought Arya was gon’ bust someone’s ass right there. But she stays focused on her target, the woman playing Cersei, and she sneaks to the back. We also see a close-up of a warty penis. Well, I assume it was warty. I didn’t look close enough. Was it relevant? Fuck no. But how much irrelevant nudity have we seen in this show? A fuck ton. Gotta take the bad with the good, bruh. And they showed some tittays like, immediately afterwards. We’ll all be fine. Anyway, Arya says she’s gon’ poison ol’ girl and it’ll be blamed on her understudy, and then Jaqen goes on about something about a servant. I don’t know, I went to the bathroom. I fuckin’ hate this dude.

-Tyrion and Varys are in Meereen, concocting a plan to keep Dany’s name in good stead with everyone. But they realize that they need a local face for their plan, so they holla at Kinvara, who rolls with the Lord of Light, so she’s one of Melisandre’s homegirls. Varys is skeptical about Kinvara because of how wrong Melisandre was about Stannis, who was supposed to be the Prince That Was Promised, but Kinvara thinks it is Dany. But Kinvara then goes in on Varys of how he got to be a eunuch and she gets why he is mad because he got jacked by a second-rate sorceror. Even Tyrion was like, ooooooooh bitch, she went there? And we know Varys for always being so calm and cool, but we’ve NEVER seen him this shook before. She seems to be on board, but now Tyrion doesn’t know what to do and Varys, he’s a mess.

Shoutout to the actor that plays Varys, Conleth Hill. There are a lot of great actors on Game Of Thrones, and in bigger roles. But Hill has never looked out of place, especially these last couple seasons with Peter Dinklage. Dude is a beast.

-Now we’re at the Iron Islands, where Yara lays claim to the Salt Throne and Theon backs her up. But they’re interrupted by Euron Greyjoy, fresh off killing his brother and their father, Balon, and he admits that he did it. But Euron actually has a plan when he becomes king: he wants to marry Dany, which pairs him with her army and dragons, then they can wreck shop. While he kinda came outta nowhere and is kind of a dick…..that’s actually not a bad plan if he can execute it. So he gets the crown because the Ironborn aren’t progressive and not about having a woman lead them, even though Yara has proven herself. Euron has to do some bullshit where he is baptized, and then almost dies before they pull him to land and he finally coughs up a buncha water. There has to be a better way to crown a king, right? I wonder how many mufuckas died during that shit.

Anyway, Yara and Theon sneak off and steal the best boatsto go, I don’t know, not there, and Euron orders a thousand ships to be built so he can go after them. I don’t know how long it takes to build a thousand ships, but it seems like Yara and Theon will be long gone by the time they’re done. This storyline is finally starting to pique my interest.

-Alright, so we’re beyond the Wall with Bran and ’em now, and he’s going in and out of his visions, and he sees one of the Children, Leaf, the main one, pushing a dragonglass dagger through a dude’s chest….this dude’s eyes turn White Walker blue. Bran is pissed that the Children actually made the White Walkers, but Leaf says they had to defend themselves from the First Men, the first people to live in Westeros. Then he does his warg thing again and ends up going back to a tree from the first vision, but now it’s winter…..and he’s right up against the army of the dead, which he walks through like mufuckas in The Walking Dead that smear the zombie guts on themselves. He ends up face-to-face with four White Walkers, including the Night’s King, who actually sees Bran and then touches his arm. He wakes up and the Three-Eyed Raven is like, the fuck did I tell you? Well now, he touched you, and they’re coming and you gotta get the fuck outta here, b. In no time, the army of the dead ends up outside of their cave and the Night’s King leads the crew through fire and shit, into the cave, while Meera tries to wake up Bran, who is having another vision, and so is the Three-Eyed Raven, who tells Bran that he has to die and Bran will take his place. Bran asks if he’s ready for that and the Three-Eyed Raven is like, NOAP, but you don’t have a choice in the matter since you wanted to go wargin’ into mufuckas when I told you not to, ol’ can’t-walk ass. So Meera and the Children are doing their best to fight off the White Walkers and they’re holding their own, but Meera is yelling at Bran to wake up. Meanwhile, Bran is watching Ned say goodbye to his father, Rickard, before he goes to the Vale, and Rickard tells Ned to not fight, but if he has to fight, win. Bran eventually wakes up and wargs into present Hodor, as well as past Hodor, or Wylis as he was known. And while all this is happening, Meera kills a White Walker with a dagger…..a dragonglass dagger. So the shit is out there, it’s just a matter of getting enough to kill off, oh, I don’t know, roughly three million wights and White Walkers. No biggie.

Hodor picks up Bran and they start running for the door, but Bran’s direwolf Summer is killed tryna hold off the wights, and they fuck him up good. Leaf also dies as she waits for all of them to surround her, and uses a magic bomb (that’s the technical term, I promise….no, I don’t) to kill them all. The Night’s King gets to where the Three-Eyed Raven is, and kills him, and he dies in Bran’s vision also. Bran, Meera and Hodor get to the back door and trap the wights and White Walkers in the cave, and Meera yells at Hodor to “hold the door” so she and Bran can get away. Flashback to the past, where Wylis has a seizure and falls to the ground, repeating the phrase, “hold the door” until it morphs into “Hodor”. Skip back to Hodor getting his body torn apart by the wights as he is holding the door. Like, his face and chest and shit.

BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH..

There are a lot of times in this show that I’ve heard people say, I’m out, I’m not doing this anymore. It took me six seasons to get there. I’m obviously not going to stop watching, but my heart fucking broke to watch how Hodor got his name, the seizure, and the fact that he was put here for that reason: to help Bran. I haven’t felt this way about Game Of Thrones since the Red Wedding. I might have smoked back-to-back cigarettes after that scene. And now mufuckas are gon’ have to deal with White Walker Hodor, who is surely gon’ be a BEAST. How the hell do you stop that?

And how far does Meera think she can get with Bran? They’re obviously not dying, well, he’s not, but she’s not that strong and those wights seem to be fuckin’ fast. And it’s snowing and cold out. And Bran can’t fuckin’ walk. It’ll be interesting to see how that turns out.

That was emotionally draining. I try not to get too emotionally involved in shows, but goddammit, this one got me. Hodor was just tryna help. But it’s all part of the prophecy and now Bran gotta win, because if Hodor died for nothing, I’ll be livid. Overall, the episode was alright, essential to the plot and whatnot. But the Bran stuff pushed it over the top and as I said last week (I think), a not-great episode of Game Of Thrones is still better than 96% of anything on TV right now. So we’ll probably go back to Cersei, Jaime and Lady O going after the Sparrows next week, we might go to Dorne (but I don’t care if we do or not), and Ramsay will probably be somewhere killin’ people. But we’re on the downhill side of the Game Of Thrones mountain now for Season 6, so prepare to get your heart shat on a few more times.

Game Of Thrones S06E04 – Book Of The Stranger

I bet y’all were pretty excited for this episode of Game Of Thrones. I was initially as well. And as always, it was a great episode. But some of your favorites, one in particular, I’m not really impressed with what they pulled off in “Book Of The Stranger”. Let’s go.

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-Let’s start at the Vale, where we get the return of Littlefinger, and he is greeted by Robin Arryn, who would still be breastfeeding as a teenager if Littlefinger ain’t push his mother out the moon door. Littlefinger accuses Lord Yohn Royce (thank you, GOT Wikia, because I ain’t know this dude’s name at all) of snitching on Sansa’s location to the Boltons, and after giving Robin a pet falcon for his birthday (good luck tryna tame that, homie), he puts Royce’s life on the line. Robin suggests the moon door for Royce, and Littlefinger knows that he can suggest anything and Robin will listen, so instead, he gets Royce to pledge his loyalty to House Arryn in exchange for not dying. Then Littlefinger suggests to Robin that they rally the troops and head to the Wall, where Sansa has probably hollered at Jon, and Robin’s dumb ass is like, sure, bruh. Littlefinger is so underrated. How many major plots has he been behind without anyone knowing? He might be the most ambitious character in Game Of Thrones….and now he has an army. Shoutout to him knowing where Sansa would go, too.

-Up at the Wall, Edd is tryna persuade Jon to stay on as Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, but Jon is like, nah, it said that if I gave my life, my watch has ended…..mufuckas ain’t say shit about coming back to life, and loopholes are a bitch, ain’t they? But just then, the gates open for Sansa, Brienne and Pod, and when Sansa and Jon see each other, it’s pretty dope since they’ve both been through a lot. But, that being said, Sansa admits she was awful to Jon when they were children because he was a bastard. That’s why he is hesitant when Sansa unfurls her plan to take back Winterfell from the Boltons, using the wildlings. Jon is like, well, one, I’ve killed a buncha people and I’m tired, and two, you were really an asshole to me growing up. He didn’t even like Winterfell; he volunteered to go to the Night’s Watch if I remember correctly. So why in the hell should he help Sansa? Because he’s Jon Snow and honorable and all that bullshit. And you know that he will, so don’t be pressed. And it happens later as Ramsay sends a letter to the Wall, telling Jon that he has Rickon in a dungeon and if Sansa isn’t returned to him, he’s killing the wildlings, let his boys run trains on Sansa, and feeding Rickon to the dogs. I wonder if Ramsay has a ghostwriter, because those bars he dropped were fearsome, yet elegant, and he kept hittin’ Jon with that “bastard” like he was Cam’ron, ending each bar with the same word (just trust me on this one, shoutout to Dip Set). So obviously, Sansa convinces Jon to roll out with the wildlings and ask some people around the North as there are about 2,000 of them, and about 5,000 of Ramsay. So your favorite, Jon Snow, will be the one to take down Ramsay. Which is fine. He obviously isn’t going to die again. Special honorable mention in this scene is Tormund, eatin’ chicken and lookin’ at Brienne with fuck-me eyes and Brienne is so uncomfortable that she might fight him….then they’ll end up having all of the sex. And we’ll see it, too. I’ll watch it, too. That shit will be good and gross.

Then there is Davos talking to Melisandre, who says that she’ll listen to only Jon, and she won’t tell him what happened to Shireen because, yeah Davos, Stannis sacrificed ya little buddy. But Brienne rolls up on them to say that she remembers Renly being killed by Melisandre’s vagina shadow monster (you come up with a better name for it), that she doesn’t forgive or forget, and she killed Stannis after he admitted to killing Renly with blood magic. Melisandre better at least let Brienne get some before she brings out the VSM again.

-Quickly, in the Iron Islands, Theon finds his way back to Yara, who is grieving their father, and she goes on him about how she brought men to get him away from Ramsay and they died. Theon says that he was broken into a thousand pieces, and he’s right, and she thinks that he wants to come back and claim the throne. Theon might want it eventually, but not right now, and that he’s willing to help her take the throne. Meh. They’ll probably end up helping Jon against Ramsay. They better or they don’t really serve much of a purpose.

-Speaking of our lovable Ramsay, he calls for Osha, ol’ girl that was riding with Rickon. He’s peeling an apple, and you should just assume that something is happening in his scene. She talks shit about the Starks, and tries to seduce Ramsay by straddling him and putting her hand down his pants, and Ramsay plays along, but he tells her that she pulled this shit with Theon to get Bran and Rickon out of Winterfell. She tries to stab him with a knife and he gets her first, stabbing her in the neck. Point of this scene? If you ain’t know by now, Ramsay Bolton ain’t playin’. Also, if you didn’t know that by now, you should just stop watching Game Of Thrones.

-Let’s hit King’s Landing. That big-ass nun opens Margaery’s cell and takes her to the High Sparrow, and Margaery wants to see Tommen and her family, but he’s like, NAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. He tells her some story about when he used to party and sin, and I bet he was buck wild when he partied, doing lines off strippers and shit. He came to some awakening while this was happening and found the Faith of the Seven, and I blanked out when he was speaking, once again. But he is impressed that she knows the Book of the Stranger, which sounds like a sex move, and takes her to see her brother Loras, who is just a damn mess. Margaery tries to tell him to be strong and he’s like, nah, bruh, we gotta make this stop. That’s all he kept saying. What in the hell are they doing to him?

Then we head over to the Red Keep, where Cersei finds Pycelle with Tommen, and he wants Tommen to give in to the High Sparrow. Cersei ain’t about that at all and gets Pycelle outta here, and he slowly shuffles outta the room, staring at Cersei the whole way. That shuffle was good, bruh. That’s how I figure I’ll be moving when I get that age. Anyway, Tommen says he talked to the High Sparrow and Cersei was like, dammit, they got to him, and she’s like, nah, you’re the King, they humiliated your mother and your wife is next. We gotta go at his head. Then Cersei, with Jaime, heads over to the Small Council, where Uncle Kevan and Lady O are chillin’, and it’s all fun and games partyin’ on Cersei until she tells them that Margaery is next for the walk of atonement, and yo…..if you have it recorded, or you can find it, just pause it when the camera switches to Lady O. I swear to God, she wanted to take her earrings off and be like, not my damn grandbaby, OH HELL NO. So they convince her to get her big-ass army, come in and roll over the Sparrows while the Baratheon/Lannister armies sit back and chill. Cersei also reminds Uncle Kevan that the Sparrows took Lancel, his son, Cersei’s cousin and our introduction to the Sparrows. So now, Cersei has the Tyrell army and FrankenMountain. GODDAMN, A LOTTA PEOPLE ARE ABOUT TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE.

-Meereen is next, and Tyrion is backed up by Grey Worm and Missandei, meeting with the Masters of Yunkai, Astapor and Volantis. Grey Worm wants to fight, but yo, we saw y’all against the Sons of the Harpys last season; for being such great fighters, y’all let a buncha cilivians punk you, bruh. But Tyrion suggests that, maybe, they ease the abolishing of slavery, giving the Masters seven years to get out of the game. Missandei and Grey Worm aren’t really happy about this, they do put on a united front with Tyrion, who also gives women to the Masters to persuade them. I’m not really sure what Tyrion’s plan is here, and it seems like a really bad move. But again, dragons listen to him, so if push comes to shove, he has that. They all just need to get outta there, I’m getting pretty tired of Meereen.

-Finally, we’re in Vaes Dothrak, where Jorah and Daario figure out where Dany is. Daario is tryna make jokes about how Dany picked him, and Jorah is like, man, we ain’t got time for that petty shit right now. I think the old Daario could pull off not being a dickbutt…..this dude, I’m just waiting for him to die. Jorah convinces him to leave his weapons outside because you can’t carry weapons in the city, but just then, Daario sees the Greyscale infection on Jorah’s arm. Jorah says he’s fine and it hasn’t touched Daario, but I bet Daario will stop being petty now. So they sneak into the city at night and two Dothraki see them. Jorah tries to lie and say they’re merchants, but they just end up killing them because Jorah is a terrible liar. They even smash one dude’s head with a rock to make it seem like they didn’t bring it weapons, but I don’t think that really makes a difference. Cover your bases, tho, I guess.

Dany is chillin’ with the rest of the Khal widows, and the High Priestess is tryna talk to Dany, who doesn’t really care and excuses herself to go pee. She gets an escort, a lhazareen (not super important) whose khal died when she was 16. But they’re met by Jorah and Daario, who put a knife to her throat, but Dany is like, nah, calm down, she’s with me, she’s good. They want her to leave, but Dany knows that they probably won’t make it out alive, so she has a plan. Then there is the khalar vezhven, which is basically where all the khals meet to talk about stuff, and they’re tryna figure out what to do with her. A couple of them want to use her as a rape toy because that’s kinda what they do. Some want to make her their khaleesi, and some want to ransom her to the Wise Masters, who have a price on her head. Then Dany pipes up with, what about what I want, and they all look at her like she put an algebraic formula up on a blackboard, like, what do you mean? The Dothraki aren’t really here for the feelings of women; they lock them up in a temple when their khal dies, for fuck sakes. So Dany tells them that she doesn’t think any of them are fit to lead the Dothraki, but she is. They all laugh and the one that found her, Moro, says that she will indeed become a rape toy for not only the khals, but their bloodriders and then, their horses. Dany looks at him like, “O RLY”, and puts her hand in the middle, like, a torch or something (it’s called a brazier, it holds hot coals). She proceeds to burn the entire place down, and the place goes up fast as shit. Rod from The Black Guy Who Tips had the tweet of the night: “What the fuck? Is this place made of gasoline?” (y’all should check out the TBGWT podcast recaps for Game Of Thrones. They come out every Wednesday and they’re the best). She looks Moro dead in his eyes before throwing the last brazier on him, and everyone starts running towards the temple outside. Then, out comes naked Dany (no, I don’t know if it was a body double and I honestly don’t care. It’s the internet. I can see titties any time I want. Stop being pressed), walking out of the temple, and everyone starts bowing. Jorah and Daario are the last ones to bow, and Daario is confused because Jorah was there when she walked out of the pyre in, what, Season 1? He’s never seen anything like this and Dany looks at him like, mufucka, you BETTER get on your knees.

So, here is my thing with this: I’ve been riding with the Stormborn Gang for a long time now, basically since she walked out that pyre. I fucks with Dany, that’s my dogg. And cool, now she has another army. But what is this, army #3? She has had the Dothraki before through Drogo, then she bought the Unsullied, then she has the slaves willing to ride for her (although they’re not really fuckin’ with her right now). It seems like I’m forgetting one, as well. Point is, Dany has had backing before, but she has to make a decision: does she want to be a slave liberator, or does she want her throne back? Being a slave freer is fine and noble and all…..but this is a television show and I don’t care about them. Use all these people, go get your dragons, and stop playing Harriet Tubman. I’m happy she did this and all, but we’ve seen it before. Fucking DO SOMETHING WITH IT.

So next week, we need to get back to Bran, so he can finally confirm who is in the tower and storylines can start coming together. We’ll get back to Arya, I would assume, and probably Jon going around with his hand out, tryna build an army to go after Ramsay, which is also where Littlefinger comes in. I’m also ready to see Lady O get the Sparrows outta here, because I’m about done with them; they’re the only time I kinda zone out and not pay attention. Oh, and Dany and ’em should start making their way back to Meereen, and Tyrion’s deal will get thrown in the bushes, because the Dothraki will just kill everyone who opposes her. That was a nice GOT debut from Daniel Sackheim, who directed the last two episodes. Next up is Mark Mylod, who did “High Sparrow” and “Sons of the Harpy” from last season. He’ll take over the next two episodes. Almost at the halfway point; everyone is on the chess board now.

Game Of Thrones S06E01 – The Red Woman

The King is back. Not one of the many kings that have been killed on Game Of Thrones (three by my count, and it might be two because I don’t think the one from last season is dead….and if I want to find out, I’ll do it myself), but the show itself. It has been the best show on television since Breaking Bad ended, with the exception of maybe Mad Men, because no show mixes brilliant acting and writing with utterly nonsensical things as well as GOT does. Season 6 launches right into it with “The Red Woman”, and this recap will be a little different than most because, well, I’m on a plane and I don’t have the luxury of Wi-Fi. Shoutout to the GOT Wikia for its assistance, so instead of scene-by-scene, it’ll be storyline-by-storyline, and I’ll go back to the normal way next week. Also, if I have to tell you that you shouldn’t watch GOT on a plane, at 7:30 am, I ain’t got nothin’ for ya. Let’s go……..

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-Let’s start with Theon and Sansa, another example of something that GOT does, that might get overlooked because of dragons and rapes and all the brutal shit that happens. They’re really good at pairing together characters that don’t seem like they should go well together, and they do, or characters you don’t like (or care about). Jon and Sam; Arya and the Hound; Brienne and Pod and now, Theon (or Reek or whatever the hell you wanna call him), and Sansa, who were last seen escaping Winterfell after killing Myranda. They’re running and running through snow, and Sansa looks miserable and she wants to stop, but Theon is like, nah, b, trust…..if they catch us, you’ll literally wish you were dead. Shit, Theon has wished he was dead for the last season and a half.

The army and the hounds finally catch up to them, and Theon is like, I’ll lure them away, and does the worst job ever. But just when it looks like they’re going back to Winterfell (which, remember, is where Sansa grew up and Theon was a squire for her father), Brienne rolls up outta nowhere with Pod da Gawd, who can apparently fight now after bumbling through most of last season. Brienne takes a hit, but that ain’t stoppin’ her, and after everyone is dead, she, again, pledges to protect Sansa and I thought it was funny that Sansa couldn’t remember her part of all that “old gods and new” shit. Sansa was raised to be a woman of nobility, but she has been so far removed from that, even though she was almost the damn Queen and is now, technically, the lady of Winterfell. Anyway, the four are now off, and two things: Sansa’s storyline is #2 in terms of what I’m most looking forward to now, and what happen to Littlefinger? Second, does she really want Brienne looking after her? Things don’t usually work out well, shoutout to Renly, Catelyn and I think there is someone else. Not necessarily her fault, but hey, bad luck is bad luck.

-Ramsay looks kinda distraught about Myranda dying, and said that she wasn’t afraid of him when everyone else was. But when it comes time to figure out what to do with the body, he says to feed her to the dogs and honestly, that’s probably as emotional as Ramsey gets. Hell, Myranda was a crazy dog lady, maybe she would have wanted that. Then he hollas at his pops, Roose, who tells him that destroying Stannis and his little army doesn’t mean shit without Sansa, and if he doesn’t get her, hell, maybe Roose’s unborn child will be a boy, and the next heir. Ramsay is only tryna get his father’s love and respect……and I feel awful for that baby, because it’s (and the mother) not making out of this in one piece. Oh, and Stannis was who I was talkin’ about in the intro. We didn’t see it. I don’t believe it.

-Arya is a blind beggar when the Waif rolls up on her with sticks, throws one to Arya, WHO CAN’T FUCKING SEE. The Waif beats the everlovin’ hell outta Arya, and then says they’ll do it again tomorrow. A small piece of me wants to think the Waif is training her, but the larger part thinks she’s just being an asshole and eventually, Arya will get her.

-Varys and Tyrion are walking the streets of Meereen, and Tyrion’s terrible Valryian is the best part of the episode as he tells a poor woman he wants to eat her baby, when he wants to give her money to feed her baby. The people aren’t as happy with Dany as they were, and she’s not even around anymore, so Varys and Tyrion are tryna figure out how they can stop this. From what I’ve heard about Scandal, this is basically that, with dragons and poor people. Then they roll up on a crowd running away from something, and instead of running with them (which is something Y’ALL do…..you know what I’m talkin’ about), they run towards the danger to see burning ships. These Sons of the Harpys are still a problem in these streets.

-Daario and Jorah, yet another odd couple (not really all that odd as they both appear to be shady and they both love Dany), are out searching for Dany, and they find her trail via a burned ram. Then, Jorah looks around at all the hooves and figures out the Dothraki were here….and he finds that ring that Dany dropped, which made me roll my eyes so damn hard. I said to my girl, like, ten seconds before it happened that he was gon’ find that fuckin’ ring. How? WHY? And yes, in a show with dragons and ghosts and White Walkers….that’s the shit that bothers me. It doesn’t do it a lot, but it happens. Oh, and Jorah still got the greyscale, so that’s something to watch. He might just fuck around and put his wrist in Daario’s mouth because fuck it, bruh.

-Then it’s on to Dany, who is the target of some rather unsavory language (and at least one legitimate question) by the Dothraki. They take to the Khal, who is like, my wives don’t even like you, but I’ma have the sex with you, and she was like, I’m Daenerys Targaryen, first of her name blah blah blah and he’s like, I don’t give a damn if you’re the millionth of your name, this is goin’ down. But Dany explains the story of Drogo and he’s like, OH, well shit, you should have said instead of all the other shit. But when she asks to be taken back to Meereen, they’re like, uh, so there is this temple where Khal widows go to hang out for the rest of their lives…..so…..yeeeeeeeeeeah. That backfired. Dany ain’t makin’ it there, tho. Kinda want her to, at least for a little bit, but she won’t. She makes it hard for a fella to still be down with the Stormborn Gang.

-In Dorne, Ellaria looks like she is being a decent person with Doran, reminiscing over Oberyn. But nah, she stabs him in the chest after he gets a note saying what happened to Myrcella, and his giant bodyguard gets cut by one of her daughters. Apparently, the people of Dorne weren’t happy with Doran not doing anything about Oberyn, and his other guards don’t do shit. I think she’s making that shit up, but it don’t matter now and I would hope that the Dornish people realized that it was Oberyn’s own fuckin’ fault. Then the other two Sand Snakes run up on Trystane, who I thought was gone with Jaime and ’em, but I guess not. Anyway, he chooses one to fight, the other kills him and she gets called a greedy bitch. They better do something with these Sand Snakes this season.

-Cersei, which is what I’m looking forward to the most, is chillin’ and surely contemplating revenge on the Sparrows, gets notified that a ship is back, so she’s like, cool, it’s Jaime and Myrcella, so at least I have that. Soooooo……..the slow change of the look on her face when she sees a body covered behind Jaime is so damn good. Cersei seems beaten down by everything, for good reason, but Jaime who is defiant and says that they’ll get everyone for all of the things. Sigh…..if only they weren’t a murderous incestuous couple. Honestly, I’d be good with a two-episode arc on Cersei and Jaime and how much shit they’re about to wreck.

-Almost forgot about Margaery, who is gettin’ that work from the giant nun who simply loves to hit people. The High Sparrow asks if she’s ready to confess and Margaery is like, I’m not perfect, he’s like, well, that’s a start. They could have given this time to Cersei. But fine, we’ll check in on that in a bit. Hell, might even be Cersei that gets her outta there.

-We have the Wall, where we opened the episode with Jon’s dead body. Davos is still there, and he finds it with a “Traitor” sign tacked above it. The dudes that were down with Jon holla at Davos and they try to think of a plan to get back at Alliser, and after a minute, they think of the wildlings. Edd goes at it alone, and then Melisandre enters with her shit about seeing Jon fighting at Winterfell, but they were in her flames and they’re all, if you don’t get the fuck outta here with that shit. Meanwhile, Alliser manages to sway the Night’s Watch on his side, saying that he killed Jon (which is treason) because he brought the wildlings in. They seem to buy it…..kinda. Then Alliser and his crew go to Davos and ’em, where they have Jon’s body, and they say that the other members will be all good to go, while Davos can have some food and be able to go south with Melisandre. However, they have to surrender by sundown and Davos is like, we’ll think about it. They don’t know that there are dudes outside with crossbows, but they have an idea that Alliser can’t be trusted.

-Then we have Melisandre, who slinks off to her room and takes off her clothes, so if you had her in the “GOT Nudity Odds”, where she was likely a decent favorite, you’re good (I’d rank it as such: Melisandre, random woman we don’t know, and pick a Sand Snake). She takes off her necklace, the gem loses its light and then we get an old, naked woman, who crawls into bed, and the episode ends. So obviously, she lost her powers somehow. Maybe because they don’t believe in her? Melisandre could always get people to believe in her, really, everyone but Davos, who has seen enough to be like, well……….maybe? But it sets up Davos to try and give her a pep talk, and then she can bring back Jon because y’all are so pressed for him to come back. Either way, it was slightly disturbing and all the way hilarious, especially reactions. For all the good nudity we’ve seen in Game Of Thrones, gotta take some bad, too. Suck it up.

Overall, it was a pretty good premiere, but pretty good for Game Of Thrones is better than like, 96% of television out there. I’ve learned not to expect too much from these premieres; there are a lot of pieces to get sorted on the chess board. But the game is moving quicker, and more happened in this premiere than most. Get your shit ready, folks.