Tag Archives: Jorah Mormont

Game Of Thrones S08E04 – Last Of The Starks

After the carnage of “The Long Night”, “Last Of The Starks” was a much-needed respite for Game Of Thrones, although it seems like I’m the only one who liked the episode. I really only need to know a couple things about how this is going to end, but I won’t be pressed if I don’t find out. Life will go on.

And with the biggest cup of Starbucks I can muster, let’s go…….

-There is a long-ass funeral that I feel could have been shorter. Dany cries over Jorah, aight, cool. Sansa cries over Theon, fuck that. She also gives him what seems to be a letter opener, but it is still pointy enough that she might regret that later. Then again, she doesn’t seem to know how knives work anyway. Ghost is alive, bloody, but alive, and I feel like people would have just watched 80 minutes of him running around, rather than what actually happened. The only thing I can gather from this is that, man, Winterfell must have smelled like ass after burning all those bodies. And what do wights smell like when they die? Lavender? Feet? A large pile of Taylor Swift albums? I’ll let you be the judge. Anyway, this was long.

-And now, the party starts as Dany, Jon and Sansa sit rather awkwardly at the head of the hall. Gendry is looking for Arya, and he asks the Hound if he has seen her, and the Hound is like, all this death and you tryna smash again? Come on, bruh. He gets called out by Dany, who says he knows who he is, and who his father is, you know, the one that stole the throne from the Targaryens and tried to kill baby Dany Stormborn. She wonders who is the lord of Storm’s End, and everyone is like, what the hell is Storm’s End. Turns out it’s Baratheon property and Dany makes Gendry the lord of that joint, which is a helluva promotion from weapon-maker for Mr. Arya Stark. But it earns her a little bit of goodwill which is surely going to go up in flames (pun intended). Still, all this was, was a flex from Dany to be like, yup, this that Queen shit right here, dogg. I can do this, if y’all act right. Sansa is not buying it, tho. Not even a little bit. If these two could get on the same page, we wouldn’t even need Episode 6. Shit would be a wrap next week. But we’ll get to that.

-So I’m watching it again and I still didn’t notice the Starbucks cup. Didn’t even know it was a thing until the next day. So y’all can’t see during a battle, but you can see a Starbucks cup. Did you figure out that there was a brightness setting on your television? People are hilarious.

-Jaime and Brienne’s little flirting starts, everyone is happy, but the Hound, who ain’t been happy since ’76. Tyrion and Bran have an exchange and Bran says he doesn’t want to be the Lord of Winterfell because he is lives in the past, and Tyrion is like, why can’t you just be NORMAL? Bran is the Kyrie Irving of this shit, always speaking in tongues and not making any sense. Jaime, Tyrion and Brienne start playing Never Have I Ever, which is some real Grade 6 shit if I ever heard it, and Brienne stays smiling at Jaime and God, just get it over with. Tormund is drunkenly extolling Jon’s courage and all that, and Dany is in the back like, bitch, I brought dragons and a rack of people and boats, and I can’t get a little love? Dany about to get up like Nino Brown in New Jack City on some “I BUILT THIS SHIT”. And that Mad Targaryen starts to creep in, which has been coming for like, I dunno, eight seasons? And Varys is in the back like, yup, I’ve seen this before. Because all Dany wants is her corners (another Wire reference), and everyone else will burn in hellfire if she doesn’t.

-Tyrion guesses that Brienne is a virgin and she’s like, fuck this game, yo, I’ll cut you. Tormund wanders over and if nothing else, he is determined. But Jaime follows Brienne and Tormund is like, dammit, I’ve been beaten, how did that happen. He really should take lessons from Pod, who gets a smile from a lady and we know how he gets down. Tormund is venting to the Hound, and I can’t think of anyone in Westeros who gives less of a fuck about Tormund’s love life than the Hound. He don’t even want to get up with these girls who sit with him and Tormund, who is like, welp, move on to the next one, or two, whatever. Sansa sits down with him and is like, fuck is your problem, b? The Hound alludes to her rapes and Sansa is like, yup and I fed that bitch to the hounds, who actually kinda smiled and it was really weird. He says that if he had left Winterfell with her, she wouldn’t have run into all those problems and Sansa is like, I’d be a little bird all my life without those lessons. Her character arc might be the most impressive in the show. She still makes some dumb moves, but that could be the tagline of Game Of Thrones. GoT: We All Do Dumb Shit, But Here We Are. Shit sounds like an Earl Sweatshirt album.

-Gendry finds Arya and is like, I got this promotion, yo, we movin’ on up to the east side, shouts to The Jeffersons. Arya is like, yeah, NAH. She’s not a lady, she never wanted to be a lady, and that’s just not her jam. And that is fine. Arya would be bored as hell, and would start picking off random people. Also, it’s awesome that Arya just did what she did, and how does she celebrate? By shooting arrows. Arya is Kobe Bryant out here, gettin’ shots up in the gym after a game. Meanwhile, Jaime and Brienne have sex. Cool.

-Dany and Jon seem like they’re gon’ get it poppin’, but then they decide that they should talk about some stuff. She does come out and say that she is jealous at the way everyone looks at Jon at Winterfell, and he doesn’t want the place, but Dany is like, damn what you want, they want you as King, you’ll be King and then what about me? Dany tries to tell him to do the smart thing and not tell anyone, but Jon’s honorable raised-by-Ned-Stark headass is like, nah, I gotta tell Sansa, Arya and Bran, who already knows, but I’ll give Bran this: he ain’t a snitch. Not like I would have done. Soon as I found out, I would have had the dragons do a flyover saying, JON IS A TARGARYEN just above Winterfell.

-Jon, Dany and the squad are in the war room playing RISK, and they realize that they got pretty messed up by the Night King and his crew. Dany wants to roll up on King’s Landing and wreck shop, but Tyrion stays tryna keep Cersei alive, which is so very dumb. He used to be the most clever person in Westeros, as Sansa said, but my man Tyrone, he’s slippin’. Might gotta die. Sansa is like, man, can we at least rest before we go and do this? It’s a good plan, the people they have left are likely bruised up and might be missing a toe. It’s probably the smart move. But we’ve been watching people do dumb shit for eight seasons, so of course, Dany is like, nah, we ridin’ now. Sansa and Arya don’t agree, and I don’t even know if Bran was there in the mental, and he don’t care anyway.

-The Starks meet out by the Face Tree, and Sansa is like, yo, we can’t trust her. Arya is like, we can’t trust her, but we did need that army, so you had to do what you had to do. She says they are the last of the Starks and they’re all they got, and Jon is like, I’ve never been Stark and Bran snaps out of it finally, like that girl floating across the gif of Migos and Joe Budden about to fight, like what y’all talkin’ about, anything good? He says to Jon, it’s your choice and he makes them swear not to tell anyone. They swear, but Sansa probably had her fingers crossed behind her back. Jon can’t even do it, he gets Bran to tell them. Jon is so stupid.

-Tyrion says that he is happy that Jaime is happy, and makes a tall joke, which isn’t his best. Again, Tyrone is slippin’. And they both are, because Bronn rolls in the spot with the crossbow and makes it very clear that he is there to kill them. He also hits Tyrion in the nose, but this was a damn good scene between the three of them. This is a spin-off I’d be down with, just watching those three talkin’ shit. Anyway, Bronn’s whole plan is like, Cersei offered me Riverrun, what can y’all offer, and Tyrion says that he’ll give Bronn Highgarden, the Tyrells’ old crib (shouts to Lady O). See, Bronn is always looking for a deal, if he really wanted to kill them, he would have. And it isn’t because they’re friends, it’s because he likes money and stuff. Which will be the end of him, of course.

-The Hound and Arya decide that they’re going to King’s Landing, him to fight his brother, her to kill Cersei. It would probably be best if they told someone. But I guess not. But I’m okay with that. They can handle themselves.

-The squad make their way to Dragonstone, Dany’s family crib, while Tyrion and Sansa have a chat. Tyrion is like, what’s your beef with her, and Sansa is like, the army is gone, Jon is gone, you’re afraid of her because she’ll burn your ass up, and all my family has died up in the capital. Tyrion is like, Jon told me that he isn’t a Stark and Sansa is like, OOOOOOOOOOOH BOY DO I GOT SOME TEA FOR YOU. Someone on Twitter said Sansa started a group chat within seconds of finding out. She damn near popped a vein tryna keep that secret in.

-Tormund and Jon say their goodbyes, peace, God. I think we have seen the last of him. Sam and Gilly come to say goodbye as well, she is pregnant, so they’re like, yeah, all this fighting shit is for the birds. But we’ll see Sam again, maybe not Gilly and the baby, who is hopefully a girl named Jon. Definitely 15/10 will see Sam again. Oh, and Jon sends Ghost off with Tormund, and Ghost is like, fuck is this shit? I ain’t did nothing to no one! People were MAD. I laughed.

-Of course, Tyrion tells Varys, and he wants to marry the two of them since Varys is still skeptical of Dany. Varys is like, yeah, they don’t play that incest stuff in the North. Varys is all about the realm, so I guess, the people, which he has said for years. Anyway, they get to Dragonstone and everything is going so swell, Dany is smiling, the dragons are happy, and then BOOM, Jon’s dragon catches a giant arrow to the chest and looks down like, fuck is this? And then BOOM, another one to the neck. Euron and his crew are chillin’ behind a big-ass rock, which no one managed to catch. I’m okay with it. Again, Dany has never been a tactical genius, she just had a big army and three dragons. It’s like the Warriors and Kevin Durant: ain’t no plays, just give it to him and get out of the way. That’s a lot of sports references in this joint. But it is playoff time. Dany is PISSED and aims to divebomb the boats, but thinks better of it and somehow manages to not lose her dragon. Even Euron is like, so I hit one dragon with two, but we can’t hit one dragon with like, 20 arrows? But he refocuses on her fleet, and well, it doesn’t go well for Team Stormborn. Tyrion almost dies like fiftyeleven times, and ends up in the water with everyone else, and they make it to shore. Grey Worm is looking for Missandei. This is ABSOLUTELY not gon’ end well.

-Finally, the homie Cersei is chillin’, lying to Euron about it being his baby because there is no Maury in Westeros (Is there? Could it be Varys?). Cersei is betting that Dany won’t kill thousands of innocent people, so leave the door open for her and oh yeah, we got Missandei, so that’s a bird in the hand. What a dumb saying that is. Something about hands and bushes and people just made shit up back in the…..actually, we still make up dumb shit. It is smart of Cersei to keep the people in the Red Keep, as to ward off Dany. Hahahahahaha…..if only Dany cared about the kids. In the words of the great Michael Jordan (he didn’t really say this….or did he? He didn’t, but I wouldn’t be shocked at all if he did)…..

-Grey Worm is like, I’m killin’ EVERYONE. Varys tries to tell Dany that this is a mistake and she isn’t having it whatsoever. She said that she was there to free the people of tyrants, but she’ll kill anyone that stands in her way. That’s some good hypocrisy. Tyrion is still tryna keep Dany to kill Cersei, and man, Tyrone, it just has to be this way. Cersei is every bad thing that everyone says about her, and oh my goodness, so much more. Varys is like, this is not a good move, bruh, and I’m going to do something about it, something that has to do with Jon getting on the throne. Varys, The People’s Champ, really outchea tryna get everyone killed. Everyone wants Jon to do a job that he does not want. Tyrion is like, DON’T. Varys is like, well, we’ll see.

-Brienne and Sansa tells Jaime that Dany’s squad got jacked by Cersei and ’em, so obviously, Jaime sneaks in Brienne’s room to do some thinking, and then sneaks out when she wakes up. She goes outside and begs him to stay, but Jaime gotta go and kill his sisterwife. Wifesister? Mother of his children, at the very least. He kinda owes it to everyone. Jaime let a LOT of fuckery go where Cersei is concerned. Shit, he has participated in a solid 40-50% of it. Actually, an extra 10% for kickin’ Bran out the window. Actually, let’s go with a solid 94% of Cersei fuckery has involved Jaime in some sort of way. The extra 6% is attributed to wine. That sucks for Brienne, tho. Gendry, too. Oh well. Big person pants on. No time for shook ones now.

-Dany, Varys, Grey Worm, Tyrion, the dragon and like 40 Unsullied walk up to King’s Landing like they’re selling Girl Guide cookies. Cersei has Missandei on the edge of the wall, and that’s gon’ be a long drop. Dammit, I love Lena Headey. I have no business wanting Cersei to win and I know that she won’t, but Lena has been a beast over the last seven-plus seasons. She should have at least one Emmy. Anyway, they stare at each other for a few minutes before Tyrion walks up to the door, where he is greeted by Qyburn. He tries to talk sense into Qyburn, who ain’t tryna hear it, so Tyrion walks past him to Cersei, who is known for her great listening skills.

-Her shooters point at Tyrion, she tells them to fall back because if Cersei gets to kill Tyrion, it’s going to be way more gross and evil than just a buncha arrows. Think of what she did to the Shame Nun and then multiply that by the number of glasses of wine Cersei has drank in seven-plus seasons. And add spears and knives. And definitely the Mountain.

-For what seems like the 98th time in this show, Tyrion asks Cersei to not be trash for two seconds, and think about her kid. Cersei is like, I might not even be pregnant, so whatever. She asks Missandei what her last words are, and Missandei is like, DRACARYS, aka, y’all better burn this bitch to the GROUND. Cersei is like, I admire that, but the Mountain gotta behead ya. And with that, there goes the best hair in Westeros. If I’m Dany, I’m killing Tyrion right then and there. Enough of all this talking and tryna be nice with Cersei. She is the WORST. She doesn’t deal with negotiations and talking. And Grey Worm is gon’ run up in the Red Keep like the last wrestler in the Royal Rumble. He is catchin’ so many bodies next week. He’ll probably die along the way, but he is taking a buncha people with him. He might have to fight the Hound to get to the Mountain.

Pssssssh, I have no idea what is going to happen over the next two episodes. I saw the next week joint, but I forget it already and I’m okay with that. I’m just soaking all this up. It’s pretty hilarious how the audience has turned on Game Of Thrones, but that says more about us than it does about them. But I’m here for all of the fuckery that is coming our way, and I want the most ridiculous ending possible. I want Cersei riding a dragon into a Six Flags, and I want a scene where Dany walks into a Starbucks and the barista has to say all 46 of her names. Oh, and next week is directed by the battle director from last week, so for the love of God, figure out where your brightness setting is if a nighttime battle. Google it if you have to.

Until the next one…..

Game Of Thrones

Game Of Thrones S08E03 – The Long Night

So, we got here. After seven-plus seasons, “The Long Night” came to Westeros. It was dark, it was gritty, it was confusing, it was emotional, and it was my favorite episode of Game Of Thrones to date. At least top-three.

Let’s just get this out of the way: I don’t care that it was dark. Apparently, something technical happened on HBO, but turn ya brightness up. It was fine on my TV. And I like the chaotic, unsettling feeling that it gave me. Because, from what I understand, that is war. And why do you want to see the face of Dothraki #9620? You could see all the faces that you needed to see. Anyway, that sucks for you if it took away your enjoyment of the episode. I was good.

-There was no “Previously on Game Of Thrones” or nothing. Just straight into the credits. LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO………….

-It starts with the montage of everyone walking around Winterfell, getting ready for the Night King and his squad. Sam being a punk ALREADY. Lyanna yellin’ at people. Tyrion and Bran have a look. What did Bran tell him when they were having storytime, that likely got cut short by this? Tyrion even says…..I’ll get to that later. The dragons make their appearance, while the Unsullied and the Dothraki are waiting, and it’s funny that THEY were the ones that had to go in the front, but we know what it is about. Edd knows damn well that Sam shouldn’t be out here, he ain’t built for this. Jon and Dany, Arya and Sansa, everyone is just waiting for something to happen. A horse comes out of nowhere, and Davos knew exactly who it was. Melisandre returns, as she said she would, does her little spell magic shit and BOOM, FIRE SWORDS. Melisandre would be great at housewarming parties. Shows up with flaming weapons. And she speaks to Grey Worm in his language, because of course, she is bilingual.

-She meets up with Davos and tells him that she’ll be dead before dawn, and she shoots Arya a look. They haven’t talked since Season 3 and wouldn’t you know, that shit comes back to be important. So much stuff has happened in this show that I’ve forgotten like 85% of it. Now, armed with their flaming swords, Jorah leads the Dothraki into the forest, and Ghost rides with them, I forgot he was still around. Anyway, they finally meet the wights and well, that didn’t go well for them at all. All the fire was extinguished, and Jorah rode back with a few dudes like, uhhhhhhhhhh, we’re in trouble, y’all. This shit is ominous, man. You can hear them coming, and after what just happened, I have no idea how half of them haven’t fainted yet. I’d be in that castle so damn fast, you’d have to kill me anyway. Oh, one dude did run away. That would be me. Anyway, they’re gettin’ rolled by the wights, but Dany, Jon and the dragons swoop into action and hit that Dracarys on ’em. Now, I feel like that should have happened a little earlier, but dramatic license and all. Also, Dany has never been a tactical genius and really, neither has Jon. But they got dragons, and that helps, at least for now. Anyway, it’s on and poppin’ now. A snowstorm blows through the place and that means the Night King gotta be around somewhere.

-Arya tells Sansa, if you get your ass on down to the crypts and take this knife, which Sansa doesn’t even know how to use. Meanwhile, Bran, Theon and the Ironborn are at the Tree of the Faces, and then it’s back to Sam, who I think manages to stab a wight, but then almost died and then Edd died tryna save him. Yep, that’s on you, buddy. Just take your ass down to the crypts, b. We won’t fault you. You were fine to go down there. We all know this ain’t you.

-Jon, still with his dragon’s beginner’s license, can’t stop flying the dragon into trees and runs into Dany, which makes sense because you’re not supposed to be able to see. On the battlefield, Lyanna yells to fall back and mufuckas is like, FINALLY, THIS SUCKS. They open the gates, and Grey Worm tells his boys to protect the retreat, which is noble of him, because the hell with that. These people don’t love us, bruh.

-Arya saves the Hound with an arrow to a wight that was chasing him, so they’re even now, for everything. And then the command is given to light the pointy trenches, which again, probably should have been lit a little earlier, but hey, what are ya gon’ do? But Melisandre, the real MVP, finally gets the trenches to light with her little spells and magic, and man, y’all should have never kicked her out of the fold. Or did she leave? I dunno, but dammit, she would have been good to have around. Dany looks down like, fuck is goin’ on down there, and does another flyby with the dragon, and they get to chill for a minute, go get some Powerade, have a cigarette, whatever you need. The Hound is like, you know what, this is bullshit and I’m out. He is NOT a fan of fire.

-Tyrion and Varys are down in the crypts and Tyrion says, hey, maybe we should be up there, we might see something everyone else is missing, and as I was getting to earlier…..what did Bran tell him about all this? Tyrion, while he has made some mistakes, is still arguably the smartest person on this show. You would think that Bran would have told him something that makes a difference. Maybe he told him about Jon and Dany? I dunno, and really, Tyrion needs to keep his ass in the crypts. But I do get what he is saying. And he did get down at the Battle of the Blackwater, but he did need to get saved by Pod. Anyway, Tyrion and Sansa talk, the first of many “are they gon’ hook up” moments in this episode. Sansa did say that Tyrion was the best of her husbands, which is like, the LOWEST of bars that anyone has to get over. Joffrey? Ramsay? Not a husband, but Littlefinger? Basically, Tyrion simply needs to not be a psychopath and he is good. But Sansa is like, the Dragon Queen wouldn’t be a fan of that and Missandei pipes up like, why you talkin’ about my girl like that, without her, y’all would have been DEAD DEAD. And Sansa is like, shit, she is gon’ run and tell Dany that.

-At the Face Tree (I’ll alternate between the two), Theon tries to apologize for being a fuckboy, and Bran basically says it’s all good and he’s home, but NAH. And then he’s like, I’m going to go now and Theon is like, huh, and BOOM, Raven Bran is in the house, squawkin’ and shit. They fly up on the Night King, who instructs the wights to basically lay on the fire and smother hit, and build a wight bridge to get through because why not, he can bring you back to life (or whatever it is) anytime he wants. Davos is like, you gotta be kiddin’ me. He just needs that on a cloak. He perpetually has that look on his face.  Jon is like, OH SHIT, HE GOT A DRAGON, TOO.

-So now, we have a dragon handicap match going on in the air, while the wights are storming the walls after smothering fire. And we are only 40 minutes in. I’ve already smoked half a pack of cigarettes in my head so far.

-Finally, the Unsullied come inside. Good grief.

-Gendry looks like he is going to have a panic attack, but he gets to fightin’. Sam even gets one. Jesus, there are SO FRIGGIN’ MANY OF THESE THINGS. At least four times during this battle, I thought it was over for the living. Sam gets saved AGAIN, and he oscillates between survival mode and punk mode. Bruh, just pick one. You’re pissing me off. Meanwhile, The Hound is actually having a panic attack and Arya comes through SWINGIN’, just rollin’ through these wights like nothing. Beric is like, yo, Hound, you gotta sac up.

-Lyanna meets Wight Wun-Wun, the big-ass giant from the wildlings, although there is no confirmation that it is him. He died in “The Battle of the Bastards“, but I’ma just assume that he got picked up the Night King and if he didn’t, meh, it’s Wight Wun-Wun. He comes through and crushes everything, while The Hound continues to be a Negative Nancy about the whole situation. Then Beric is like, look at Arya then, and switch back to Lyanna, who gets her soul crushed by Wight Wun-Wun, but not before she sticks him in his blue eye. Right now, pour somethin’ out for Lyanna. She did that so you ain’t have to go through that, shouts to Hov.

-The Night King comes out of nowhere to get the dragon handicap match started, and does just enough to be like, yeah, I got a dragon, bitch, what y’all wanna do?

-Then, for me, the best part of the episode. Arya is somewhere in the castle, sneaking around, using her degree, and I was a mess during this part. The suspense damn near gave me a conniption. Maisie Williams needs ALL of these awards for this episode.

-The people in the crypts know that some not-good shit is goin’ down upstairs and that it might not be long before it comes to them. Sansa keeps a straight face, which is probably the best thing she can do right now. But she’s seen ’em. Ain’t gon’ be good.

-Beric and The Hound, who finally snapped out of it because Arya is involved, saves her and they run away. Beric gets stabbed no less than 47 times, but sacrifices himself so that they can get away. I have no idea what the rules are in terms of how many times you can come back, I don’t even know how many times he has been brought back. But he did die like a G. But yo, could you leave us the flaming sword? That would be handy.

-Arya and the Hound make their way into a room and barricade it, and fuckin’ Melisandre creeps out of the shadows out of nowhere. Arya says that Melisandre said they would meet again, and that she would shut many eyes….brown eyes, green eyes, and blue eyes. Then she hits Arya with that “and what do we say to the God of Death”, and Arya responds with, “not today”, and just runs the fuck off, Hound be damned. So, again, I forgot about this, but Arya’s former teacher, Syrio Forel, used to say that to her back in the day, like Season 1. Turns out we don’t even know if Syrio Forel was actually killed by Meryn Trant. Arya just believed that he did it, so she killed him. I mean, I doubt they bring him back, but at this point, I’m never leaving anything off the table. In fact, I think it would make people mad, so I want it to happen.

-The wights reach the Tree of Faces and get to fightin’ Theon and his people, while the Night King and his dragon get to the castle and start messin’ that up. But Jon and Dany and the Night King is knocked off his dragon, which should have been the first clue that the Night King wasn’t shit. Jon gets knocked off his dragon, too, and both of them go down, but Dany still has hers, which should give her a huge advantage, right? So she flies over to the Night King to Dracarys his ass, and he’s on some “Dirt Off Your Shoulders” shit like, did you REALLY think that would work? Walked out that fire like the Terminator, and SMILED at Dany. But then, he missed that shot at her dragon, which he has done before. For whatever reason, he can’t seem to hit Drogon, going back to last season when she went to rescue Jon and they lost Viserion.

-The Night King started raising the dead and Jon is right in the middle of it, which is hilarious, because Jon KNOWS he can do this. But the people in the castle don’t, and Jaime, Sam, Grey Worm and everyone is like, OH COME ON THIS IS NOT FAIR. Wight Lyanna is about to be a PROBLEM. The Night King is kind of a punk, it’s like he is scared to shoot the fair one with Jon. But I mean, those who can do, right? This is war. And then Morris Day and the Time roll up to Winterfell to join the Night King, while the crypts start to break open with the dead. Now, I know that putting them in the crypts probably was stupid, but that being said, where else were they going to go? It’s not like you could put them on a Greyhound and send ’em, shoot, where would you even send them? I’m open to suggestions.

-Dany saves Jon by burning the wights surrounding him, so he can go into the castle. But then she does the most annoying thing in the episode. Why would you put the dragon on the ground, where the wights would get on him? So now, you might be down two dragons because Jon’s is fucked up, and yours looks like it is covered in fire ants. She gets thrown off and is about to get killed, but LORD FRIENDZONE TO THE RESCUE. I shit on Jorah a lot, but I respect him as a fighter and he gets busy. It doesn’t look good for Jaime, Brienne and company as they’re outnumbered so very bad, and Jon is runnin’ through the fight, killin’ things and he sees Sam almost die, but looks at him like, why the hell aren’t you down in the crypts anyway, and I don’t have time to save you.

-Theon runs out of arrows and goes on a killing spree at the Faces Tree, and it’s still middle fingers up to Theon Alouitious Greyjoy and everyone that loves him and he loves.

-Sansa and Tyrion have another moment as they hide and he kisses her hand, and I’m like, are y’all REALLY about to kiss NOW? It looks bleak for the crew as Jon almost gets burned by the Night Dragon, Jaime and Brienne are still gettin’ fucked it, Grey Worm is fightin’, Jorah and Dany get to swingin’ and I didn’t know Dany got down like that, and she is tryna help, but Jorah is gettin’ fucked up. The little girl from last week with the soup is downstairs and I guess she wasn’t Melisandre. Sansa is hiding. There is a lot going on right now.

-And the music starts. This might be the best musical piece of the series, from basically now to the very end. The way it goes with the action, again, more awards for everyone.

-Raven Bran is still hangin’ out, waiting for the Night King. Brienne, one-hand-ass Jaime and Pod manage to hold off two provinces full of wights against a wall. The Night King makes his slow walk up to Bran with his security detail, and I get excited because Theon’s about to get folded like a Rubik’s Cube. Bran snaps out of it and lies to Theon, telling him he is a good man, and no, the fuck he is not. But bruh, he didn’t even try, he more or less just ran into the Night King’s spear. Good. He deserved worse. So much worse. I wish the Night King brought Wight Ramsay back just to mess with Theon for a little bit more. BYE, BITCH.

-Jon, in the funniest part of the episode, tries to sneak up on the Night Dragon, which turns around and sees him and Jon is like, NOAP. He hides behind something and somehow avoids getting torched. Jorah is still fighting somehow, and he has been stabbed at least 14 times at this point. The Night King has been walking to Raven Bran for like, two hours now, but he finally gets there. Jon pulls off the second-funniest part of the episode as he gets fed all the way up, stands up, turns around, and YELLS IN THE DRAGON’S FACE. Is Jon the original “I wanna speak to your manager”? But he has done this before. Stood in front in Ramsay’s army. I’m sure he did some dumb shit like this in the Night’s Watch. He stays standing in front of danger doing dumb shit.

-The Night King slooooooooooooooooooowly reaches for his sword, while his Secret Service is like, aye, do y’all feel something? Arya comes flying out of nowhere, wearing what I can only assume are the most ninja of ninja shoes, but the Night King catches her with one hand by the neck. But she does the MJ switch-hands-in-mid-air joint (shouts to Blake Griffin’s tweet) and hits homeboy in the stomach with a dagger, and not only a dagger, a dagger that Raven Bran gave Arya. The dagger that his would-be assassin carried in Season 1. It went through some other hands, ended up with Littlefinger, who gave it back to Bran, who gave it to Arya. Did he know that she would need it to save his life? Shoot, probably. He’s Raven Bran. Dude knows everything. He doesn’t wanna tell anybody anything, but he knows, I guess. I dunno. Bran gets a solid C over. I feel like he could have done more. Now that this is all done, sit around a campfire that is basically burning bodies at this point, and just tell everyone everything.

-Anyway, Arya kills the Night King, and all the White Walkers and the wights and the Night Dragon and all ’em, everyone gone on some Avengers shit (I’m talking about Infinity War, relax). Everyone is standing around where they are, in a state of both WHAT HAPPENED AND WHY DID THEY STOP and THANK WHATEVER GOD YOU WANT, I’M SO TIRED. Jorah dies in Dany’s arms, and again, I respect it. He died serving her. That’s what he wanted, and that’s what he did. And her dragon lies down beside them like, WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME ON THE GROUND, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

-The Night King? I think Raven Bran will tell us what his deal is next week, I think it’s going to be a lot tamer. And I had a whole thing ready to go on how it relates to another death, a character on The Wire, which y’all know I think is still the best show ever (and it is). I won’t say who it is, because I still think everyone should watch it. But those who have, his death is reminiscent of a character there, who lasted most of the season and was taken out in the most unexpected way possible. Which is why it was good, because for the most part, these fools had no idea what to do with the Night King. He was on his way to a 100-point game, then his ACL exploded.

-Finally, Davos and the Hound watch Melisandre wander out in the slow, she sheds her clothes, turns into her old self and dies before dawn, just like she said she would. Yup, MVP. And don’t get it twisted, Arya was dope, but Melisandre was the push. Also, flaming swords and trenches. Had she not lit the trenches, shit would have been over way sooner.

I still don’t think I’ve done this episode justice. I don’t remember if or when I’ve ever been so gripped by an episode of television. My guesses are that we will see Cersei and her people next week, and the fifth episode will be another battle as Miguel Sapochnik, who directed this and all the other battles except for “Blackwater”. It’s either gon’ be Winterfell, King’s Landing, or somewhere between. Cersei and the Golden Company, and Euron and whoever, against Dany, Jon, whatever is left of Winterfell, 12 Unsullied, one fucked-up dragon, we don’t even know if the other dragon is alive, and you know that Theon’s sister is going to come out of nowhere and help them. Or she’ll take on Euron’s fleet, so water battle? Whatever, man. I’m here for it. All of it.

And special shouts to Black Twitter, because it was a PARTY on there on Sunday night.

And you can complain about it being dark or you can’t hear or smell or whatever, but savor it, because it’s going to be gone and you’re going to be sad.

Game Of Thrones S08E02 – A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms

“A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms” was a fine episode. It was pretty uplifting and everyone seemed to be fine with the impending doom that was coming. That is, until they go there. I think I liked it…..but I’m getting anxious. Let’s go….

Game Of Thrones A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms

-We open with Jaime standing in front of Dany, Sansa and Jon, and Dany tells him that her brother had plenty of stories about the Kingslayer, and what they would do to him when they found him. Man, Viserys wasn’t about to do anything to Jaime. Even if he was still alive and Jaime had one hand, I’m still giving a big advantage to Jaime, who says that he was also lied to by Cersei, and she got the Golden Company on the way to clean up any survivors remaining from the battle with the Night King and his squad. Tyrion tries to jump and Dany is like, nah, bruh, you were wrong the last time, go sit down somewhere. Sansa piles on Jaime, too, and I mean, for good reason. Jaime has been trash for most of the series, but I’m buying his redemption story WAY more than Reeky Theon.

-That being said, Jaime will screw them at some point. And it’ll be great.

-Anyway, keeping on, Jaime doesn’t regret any of what he did and at war, he would do it again. And Bran hit him with that, “the things we do for love”, and that shit was so good. I mean, it’s basically an open secret that Jaime and Cersei were getting down. And last week, I made a couple jokes about it that I stand by. But incest is like, eighth on the list of shit that these people need to worry about right now. Whatever, man, y’all can figure this out later, if you survive, which you probably won’t.

-Brienne jumps to Jaime’s defense, stating that Jaime did lose his hand tryna help her avoid rape, which I had forgotten about. And for the most part, Jaime did right by Brienne along their travels. Sansa trusts Brienne, so Jaime gets a vote. Jon is like, sure, we do need people to fight, one hand, one arm, whatever. So somehow, Dany gets out-voted, instead of just burning everyone up, which I feel was definitely on the table. But she isn’t happy and tells Tyrion to get his shit together or she’ll find a new Hand. I feel like, if I had to bet money, I’d bey on Tyrion to outlast Dany.

-Arya and Gendry meet as she asks about the weapon he is making her, but he is also busy with a buncha arrow/spear/knife things. She starts asking about the dead and what they smell like, and how they act, and Gendry is like, ehhhhh, I don’t know if you want those problems. He tries to persuade her to go down in the crypt, where it is safer, which I’m not exactly sure is true. Because really, where is safe from a walking army numbering like, I don’t know, thousands at this point? Oh, wait, and did we mention they were zombies? Not bitch-ass Walking Dead zombies, either. Zombies that can do stuff. Anyway, Arya says she is fighting, and throws three daggers with stunning accuracy, and she tells Gendry that she has also seen death. If you were paying attention, you know what was going to go down later between these two. Arya walked in and they might as well just blew a fan in Gendry’s face with “Halo” playing in the background.

-Bran was at the Tree with the Faces, and Jaime tries to apologize, but Bran was like, you weren’t then…..thanks, tips, of course he wasn’t sorry then. I think Jaime is sorry now, but he would 100% do it again. But Bran is also like, had you not done that, I’d still be Brandon Stark and Jaime is like, fuck is you talking about, who are you then? He sees just how weird Bran is now. I’ve kinda had it with this kid. Just tell me what the hell you see, what you want and what you want us to do.

-Jaime and Tyrion meet up and get spat at by some Northeners, which is fair because the Lannisters, well, the Lannisters. We did get confirmation from Jaime that Cersei is pregnant, which I believe a little bit more, because she has to give something to the Night King to keep him from killing her, unless she becomes Mrs. Night King, and that is a spinoff I’d watch. Also, I’m here for any scenes with Peter Dinklage and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. They are way up there on the list of acting duos I love watching in this show. Jaime walks about Brienne and Podrick, who can fight now, enough to teach other people. Sure. Jaime tells Brienne that he would be honored to fight under her, and goddammit, I can’t shake the feeling that Jaime is going to revert back to form and screw her over.

-Dany welcomes Jorah Friendzone into her chambers, and he actually rides for Tyrion staying on as the Hand. He is pulling out ALL the stops at this point now. Even Dany is like, that’s the job you should have, and you’re STILL advising me to keep him? Maybe he is just a really good guy who wants the best for Dany, and wants to see her flourish.

-Or maybe not, and he is gon’ get these jokes for the next, however long he lives, which won’t be long.

-Dany visits Sansa, and the two have a hashing-out of their issues. Sansa is like, you love my brother and you’re gon’ manipulate him. Dany is like, yeah, I roll with him, but I’m the one here bringing dragons to fight wars that I don’t have to, so who is being manipulated, which is so manipulative of Dany, I actually respect it. So they come to some sort of agreement on that, but Sansa is like, so hey, say we beat the dead and then manage to beat Cersei, then what? What about the North? WHAT ABOUT THE NORF NORF, DANY? Dany is like, well, I’ma be on the Iron Throne, and that’s basically all I got so far. Neither of them are amused. I’m lowkey having a ball because I would have never expected this from Sansa in Season 1, shoot, Season 2, hell, Season 5. She has come so far, to be so meek after everything that has happened to her (and make no mistake, no one in this show has suffered more than Sansa). She looked Dany in her eyes and mouth and was like, so you gon’ do right by us or what? But Dany gets saved by Reeky Theon and his bitch ass, bending the knee, wanting to fight, he gets a hug from Sansa and Dany is looking around like, am I going crazy or did this just happen?

-Fuck Theon Greyjoy, his family, his house and everyone that loves him.

-Davos is giving out soup and life advice, telling people that say they can’t fight, that they’re gon’ fight. Gilly shows up, or at least, makes an appearance because she has been at Winterfell since Sam got there, I think. A little girl wants to fight, and I think she has greyscale or she was burned, but Gilly is like, yeah, why don’t you go down to the crypts, little mama. It was cute. And again, if you can lift a weapon, shit, let’s go. Edd and Tormund and the squad return from the Last Hearth, and I don’t know if they have Uber VIP or what, but they got around the White Walkers QUICK. And you know what? I’m here for it. I haven’t given a damn about how much time has passed from episode to episode and I’ll be damned if I start caring now. Oh, and Tormund asks if the big woman was still here, which set up his objective for this episode.

-There is a big war meeting party with like, EVERYONE, tryna figure out what to do about the Night King. Bran says that he’ll come for him, and he’ll wait for him out by the Tree with the Faces. Theon says he’ll protect him and I hope the Night King tosses that mufucka up in the air like pizza dough and goes into a backbreaker. Also, Bran doesn’t even know if dragonfire stops the Night King because no one has ever tried, which is encouraging. Imagine if they trot the two dragons out and, providing they get past their dead brother, the Night King Mutumbos their fire the fuck outta here. Then they roll through Winterfell, through to King’s Landing and the last episode is just the Night King doing his taxes. I’m here for that.

-Man……I tried to like it. But it was by this point where I was done with the whole Tormund-Brienne thing. When he said, we’re all going to die, but then looks at Brienne and is like, at least we’re together, I rolled my eyes down the mufuckin’ street. Like, at least let’s be witty about this. No? Okay then. Also, because of this, I learned what “shipping” is in regards to television shows and that’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard this decade.

-Finally, Tyrion says to Bran, what is your deal? We ain’t got nothing but time and I need to hear this because dude, you’re weird. But the more information Tyrion gathers, the more he can use to figure out some sort of plan for the war. Smart.

-Missandei and Grey Worm make an appearance, and Grey Worm is like, yo, we’re going to fight this war, and then we’re getting the hell outta here because frankly, these white people don’t fuck with us like that. That little girl looked at Missandei like she wasn’t the poor one with dirt on her face. Fuck them kids, b. Grey Worm is like, we’ll protect your peaceful people, we can go where it’s warm, it’ll be great. But I’m not surprised by the racism. The writers for this show want to do a show on “what if the South had won the Civil War?”. So yeah, I’ll finish watching this show and then throw Weiss and Benioff in the bushes for eternity. Idiots.

-There is a theory that Missandei isn’t who she says she is. I’m not going to explain it, but it’s not that far off at all. I don’t wanna believe it, but I’m also here for chaos. Maybe I’ll explain next week, or ask me about it, because I know me and I’ll absolutely forget.

-ANYWAY, the fellas have a Night’s Watch reunion and Sam is like, I’ll fight, I was the first to kill a wight. If I’m not mistaken, he was the first one to even see one, hiding behind that rock while the White Walkers just walked past him. But he’ll be needed in the crypt or wherever people are going to be safe.

-More Tyrion and Jaime, and Jaime, if I’m not mistaken, says out loud for the first time that he was sleeping with his sister. And he said it to his brother, which I find even more funny. Brienne and Pod join them, followed by Tormund and Davos. And then Tormund tells a story about killing a giant when he was 10, then climbed into bed with the giant’s wife, and ended up breastfeeding for three months. I’m not going to devote too much time to this, I don’t feel like they have executed the plot well. But it was a fun scene, showed everyone having a bit of fun before everyone dies in the next 2-3 episodes. I’m not pressed about it, though. Gotta kill time somewhere.

-Arya meets up with the Hound and I feel like, if they survive the war, they’re going to end up killing each other. Beric Dondarrion shows up and Arya is like, I’m out. She has better things to do, like get her weapon from Gendry, which is like, a shorter version of Donatello’s staff with a blade on the end. Then Arya is like, have you had the secks before and how many times and you wanna know what, I wanna do it, let’s do it. And they did it. I do respect that she did it on her own terms, which is very different from most of the female characters in this show. I gloss over the sex parts in this show because one, there has been a lot of it, two, I just wanna see mufuckas get to fighting, and three, the internet is a thing and we can see all of these, literally, whenever we want. Also, people don’t know how to act when it comes to sex and end up saying some fuck shit, and I don’t have time for that.

-This was the best part of the episode. Tyrion points out that everyone in the room has fought the Starks and here they are, fighting for Winterfell. Brienne says some shit about fighting with honor, and Tormund is perplexed that Brienne isn’t a knight yet, and that if he were king, he would knight her 10 times over because apparently the writers are 12 years old. But he does bring up a good point: why shouldn’t Brienne be a knight? Because she is a woman? In his words, fuck traditions. Brienne is probably one of the top 3-5 warriors outchea in these Westeros streets. So Jaime, who is a knight, although you’d think that they would have taken it away for any number of reasons, knights her. She cries, and I might have a little. She deserves that shit. But also, she is going to die.

-Jorah is talking to Lyanna Mormont, saying that she should go down to the crypts, but forgive him, Lord Friendzone is new and does NOT know how Lyanna gets down. After she kyboshed the shit out of that plan, Sam gives Jorah his family sword, Heartsbane, because his father, Jeor, helped out Sam a lot in the Night’s Watch. Also, Jorah needs to fight and I’m pretty sure Sam was like, I can’t lift this thing.

-Pod sings a song for the crew, it’s called “Jenny and the Oldstones”, which they mentioned in the books. We get a montage of everyone getting ready, Grey Worm and Missandei, Sansa and Theon, a buncha people. Stuff and things. And then Dany goes down to the crypts, where Jon is standing by Lyanna Stark’s statue or tomb or whatever you want to call it. Dany is like, hey, I’ve heard about her and Jon is like, oh, you don’t know the truth truth? Your brother didn’t rape her, they loved each other, Lyanna gave their bastard child to Ned, oh, and that bastard child is me. SURPRISE!

-It is telling that Dany’s first reaction was like, so, if this shit is true, it is actually you who has the claim to the Iron Throne, and you can see the fury in her eyes. And she should be mad. She has worked so hard to get to this point, just to think that it could all be for naught? That being said, Jon doesn’t even want the Iron Throne. He didn’t even want to be the King of the North. He didn’t want to be the leader of the Night’s Watch. Jon is like, what can I do that has the least amount of responsibility and where y’all will stop promoting me in these jobs? But I feel like the Mad King side of Dany is going to come out and she’s gon’ do something stupid. We’ve seen her angry side many times before. Just harness that shit until after this war thing is over, and then y’all can come out with a plan. I don’t even know why Jon told her, like, right now. I mean, tell her eventually, but right now, minds need to be focused.

-Oh, and finally, the Night King and his well-coiffed crew of soldiers roll up to Winterfell. Them mufuckas got fresh perms to destroy and absorb souls with. All of ’em look like they could be in a DJ Quik video from the mid-to-late ’90s.

-No Cersei or Euron this week, I feel like we’ll start with them, or Cersei, at least. Just a quick check-in. And I’m still waiting for Melisandre, since Gendry told Arya about the leeches and the royal blood and such.

And that was that. I do get that they had to make this a lighter episode with all of the destruction that is on the horizon. And it was fine. I think the Brienne/Tormund shit was really heavy-handed, but people like it, I guess. Which is funny because I didn’t mind it in real time. But on the rewatch, yeah, NOT GREAT, BOB (I had to use it again, I misused it last week. Shouts to Mad Men).

Anyway, the good stuff kicks off next week. The next four episodes are between 78 and 82 minutes, and I’m prepared to be mentally exhausted by the end of it. Miguel Sapochink will be directing this and the fifth episode. If you didn’t know, he also directed “Hardhome“, aka the White Walker Massacre, and “The Battle of The Bastards“. He also did “The Winds Of Winter“, where Cersei was outchea blowing up churches. So needless to say, he does violence very well.

Game Of Thrones S8E01 – Winterfell

Hi there. It has been a minute since we last got together for these recaps. The site will probably be retired after this, as Game Of Thrones seems like the last show that is event television: you simply have to watch it in real time with the rest of us. Season 8 kicks off with “Winterfell”, an episode of reunions, and one massive revelation that has been waiting in the wings since August 2017. Let’s go…..

-First of all, the new title sequence was fantastic. Showing the path south through Westeros from the point of view of the oncoming White Walkers is a huge hint about what this season is going to be: death and destruction at the hands of the Night King, Zombie Viserion and the rest of the squad. Had no idea what the Last Hearth was, had to look it up. Obviously, Winterfell is there, complete with the crypts. Then it is off to King’s Landing, and apparently for the first time ever, we see the Iron Throne in the credits. It’s also kinda funny that the sigil above the Throne belongs to the Lannisters, as Cersei is Queen for now. However, Tyrion probably has a better shot and if you listen to the theories, he might not even……you wanna know what? We’ll get to that at some point this season.

-Also, take a closer look at the gold carvings during the title sequence. Viserion fuckin’ up the Wall is there. A lion (Lannister) looking at a person, who is holding a wolf’s head; shouts to the Red Wedding. But the best one is the last one: I think there are four dragons flying through the sky? And also, before the credits finish, you see the lion (Lannister), wolf (Stark) and dragon (Targaryen) surrounding the Thrones title. However, what about the deer or elk or whatever the shit that is? It’s the Baratheon sigil. Technically, Cersei is still a Baratheon. However, Gendry came back late last season to help steal a wight to bring back to Cersei (which is still one of the greatest, yet absolutely fucking ridiculous, things to happen on this show). So, that house will still have something to say.

-Squad up, as Dany, Jon, Tyrion, Varys and the Targaryen army roll through Winterfell. Arya spots Jon, so that’s about to go down. The kid running to get a better look at the army reminds you of Arya trying to get a better view of her father’s execution in Season 1. There are going to be a whole gang of callbacks to earlier seasons, so get to rewatching. Or, be like me and let other people on the internet figure it out for you. Shouts to Tyrion for making a testicles joke to Varys like, within his first 10 lines. Jon says something to Dany like, the North doesn’t trust outsiders, but then the other two dragons swoop in and really, the North doesn’t have to trust Dany. But they will obey for three reasons: Jon fucks with her (LITERALLY), and two big-ass dragons. Ask the Tarly fellas how that worked out for them. And of course, we will get to that later. Arya is PSYCHED by the dragons, like, yo, I’ma need to get on one of those.

-Family reunion time! Jon sees Bran and tries to be sweet, and Bran is like, we ain’t got time for this shit, b. I could have sworn that Dany and Sansa have met before, but I guess not. Bran is like, y’all are not fuckin’ listening to me, Night King comin’, and he got one of your dragons, doesn’t he? STOP MESSIN’ AROUND. While Bran is super awkward, I’m really here for him tryna expedite the process. Sansa sends Lord Umber up to Last Hearth to get his peoples, because they need all of the help. Lyanna goes at Jon for leaving Winterfell, and as much as I like her, this whole scene was kinda meh. We all know the North is going to ride with Dany, Jon and her dragons. And if not, she’ll just, I dunno, DRAGONS. Although it was pretty good when Sansa asked Dany what they eat, and Dany was like, whatever they want. Keep being smart, Sansa, and get your horses flambeed.

-Tyrion talks to Sansa, because I forgot they were married, or were due to be married, or something of that nature. But neither of them should be even alive, and have gone through a lot to be there. They respect each other, and like Sansa said, they both survived. But Sansa also calls Tyrion out for believing that Cersei will send the Lannister army to help them, and she has every right to think that. Bran creepily looks at Tyrion, but Bran does that to everyone.

-Jon and Arya meet at the Tree with the Faces. Four Stark kids for the first time since Season 1, Episode 2, I think. Well, three Stark kids. Well, two Stark kids? You wanna know what, Sansa is the only one I’m confident is still a Stark. Arya calls Sansa the smartest person that she has ever known and Jon is like, ehhhhhhhh, that doesn’t sound right. Sansa has been very smart to survive all the shit she has been through. However, I feel like she is going to make a terrible mistake and I hope that I’m wrong.

-Qyburn tells Cersei that the dead has broken through the Wall and she’s like, cool. She got her squad as Euron Greyjoy returns with the Golden Company, which consists of 20,000 soldiers and 2,000 horses. However, there are no elephants and Cersei isn’t pleased. I feel like that could come into play…..but ultimately, Cersei just really likes elephants. Which is fine. Elephants are great. Shit might come in handy against the dead. But hilariously, Cersei still ain’t shook by the dead. Also, Euron has captured Yara, setting up some wild, wild fuckery that makes me angry I have to even write about.

-Euron is like, yo, I brought your army, no elephants, though……when you gon’ let me smash? And actually, that is still better than what Euron says. What a trashbag. And Theon is going to get to kill him, too. Good friggin’ grief.

-Bronn is in a brothel, as Bronn tends to do. But Qyburn interrupts, first to say that the pox is going to take one of his ladies within a year and Bronn is like, which one, likely to put her last on the sex list (he’ll still do it though). She wants Bronn to kill Tyrion and Jaime with the crossbow Tyrion used to kill her father. Literally, the only people that don’t want to kill Bronn? Honestly, I don’t think he does it. I think he has a look, I think he gets a chance, but I don’t think he does it, no matter how loyal Bronn is to this money.

-Cersei and Euron apparently do the thing, and I see people on the internet talkin’ about, oh my goodness, Cersei is drinking while she is pregnant!!!!! First, I bet she isn’t pregnant. Second, You go ahead and tell Cersei that she can’t drink wine. What in the world is her hangover cure? They could pay off the Iron Bank just from those sales. And finally, listen……the incest, yo. The IN to the CEST. The wine might actually help ward that off.

-Alright, here we go. Theon turns into the new James Bond, kills a bunch of people on a boat and rescues Yara, who headbutts him and they’re all good. Word? WORD? Are you kidding me? Nah, b. Not doing this. He is going to go to Winterfell and help the Starks, and I’m going to be so mad when they try and make Theon not a piece of garbage. NOAP. Not here for it. I want the worst death in the show to be his.

-Davos suggests to Tyrion and Varys that Jon and Dany get married if they survive the Night King. I’m in. All incest, all the time. I’ll only watch the GoT prequels if they are solely about incest. Meanwhile, Dany wonders how much Sansa respects her, but then turns her attention to the dragons, who aren’t eating. They’re in this cold, they miss their brother, life is hard for dragons, bruh. But hey, let’s teach Jon how to ride one.

-Also, shouts to people complaining that the CGI didn’t look right. I hate people so much. We’re the worst.

-INCEST KISS WITH DRAGONS WATCHING? GIVE ME FIVE MORE EPISODES OF THIS, PLEASE.

-The Hound and Arya reconvene, and Arya clarifies that she didn’t just leave him to die, she also robbed him. Details, folks. Details. Also, Gendry and Arya are going to hook up and we don’t have time for that.

-Sansa and Jon are getting rejections for more help, and Sansa is all hung up on this King In The North shit, and Jon is like, YO WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS RIGHT NOW, WE NEED THESE DRAGONS! But Sansa does ask Jon if he bent the knee to Dany because he loves her, or because of the North. Of course, we don’t get the answer, but we all know what the deal is.

-Dany visits Samwell Tarly, who helped Ser Jorah Friendzone get rid of the greyscale on his arm. Dany gives him props, but casually mentions that she may have, you know, ABSOLUTELY DID, kill his father and his brother for not bowing down. Sam leaves, and he’s pretty broken up about it, but if I remember correctly, his family didn’t even like him. His father definitely didn’t, I can’t remember about his brother. He runs out, sees Bran, who is just sitting there, being friggin’ weird. He tells Sam that he needs to tell Jon the truth about his parentage and Sam is like, ehhhhh, you’re his brother. But Sam is actually closer to Jon, and he finds him down in the crypts of Winterfell, standing in front of Ned’s statue. Here we go…….

-Sam starts wildin’, asking Jon if he knew that Dany killed his pops and brother. Sam obviously isn’t happy, and blurts out that Jon is actually Aegon Targaryen, son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark, the true King and all that jazz. It’s a lot to take in for Jon, and I mean, Sam definitely could have told him a little more gently. But I think once the shock wears off for Jon, they can deal with this. Preferably, in the next episode. But a whole bunch of problems could come from this. Like, the incest isn’t even in the top seven or eight things they have to deal with from the fallout of this.

-Tormund and Beric Dondarrion are at Last Hearth, and they run into Edd, who was one of Jon’s boys from the Night’s Watch. They then find Ned Umber, who was sent to evacuate the spot, but it didn’t work out for him. He is nailed to a wall, surrounded by severed limbs, which are patterned like something we saw……ummmmm, it was back a few seasons, before we even really see the White Walkers or any of ’em. Back then, the pattern was made by the legs of horses. This time, it’s human arms. Then, Ned reanimates into a wight and Beric stabs him with the flaming sword. It was pretty good. Some good screaming went down. Now, the mission is to get to Winterfell before the Night King does. That’s going to take some moving by the boys.

-And then, Jaime shows up at Winterfell, and BOOM! He sees Bran for the first time since he threw him out of the window in the series premiere, or the second episode, whatever episode Jaime and Cersei were caught engaging in, um, familial relations? I’m running out of ways to say “incest” already. Not good, Bob. Now THAT is going to be an interesting conversation.

-That was a great episode to return to. I know people wanted them to get right back to it, but next week’s episode is five minutes longer and then the final four episodes will be around 80 minutes each. Don’t worry, they have enough time to answer the important questions. If I had to guess, I would say that the Battle of Winterfell will be episode 3, but hell, I could absolutely be wrong. We still have a couple people to catch up to. Melisandre is still kickin’ around somewhere, giving birth to shadows and not explaining ANY of it.

All I know is that I’m so ready for these next five weeks. Let’s get it.

Tiger Tiger Woods Y’all.

Game Of Thrones S07E7 – The Dragon And The Wolf

Well, here we are, the seventh-season finale for Game Of Thrones, a season in which people had problems with some things. I guess. I got everything I needed to see from a show about dragons and white walkers and things that don’t exist. Anyway, let’s go, because a lot of shit happened and I gotta go to work.

-The episode opens with Grey Worm and the Unsullied standing in King’s Landing, and I don’t know when or how they got from Casterly Rock, but they’re there and that’s fine. The plot needs to move along and goddammit, we don’t have time. Jaime and Bronn make a couple dick jokes, as they’re wont to do around here, and on the low, Bronn is a solid MVP candidate for this season. He’s not the MVP, even though he might have had the single-best episode of anyone of this season, but still, props to him. He got one-liners AND he can fight. Meanwhile, Tyrion, Jon and company are rollin’ up to King’s Landing, and once they get there, it’s reunion city up in here. Tyrion and Pod, Brienne and the Hound (whom she tells Arya is still alive and I swear that dude caught at least two feelings), Tyrion and Bronn, who saw each other at the Jaime/Tyrion meeting, but they didn’t have time to talk. Tyrion tries to bribe Bronn, offering to double his pay as he did in the past and Bronn says he’s doing fine, but trust, Bronn would DEFINITELY betray anyone for money.

-They get to the Dragonpit, which just looks like somewhere that an ambush could happen, and Bronn tells Pod to come get a drink with him to let the fancy people talk. Cersei rolls up with Jaime, FrankenMountain, Qyburn and the squad, and instantly, the Hound walks to FrankenMountain and is like, fuck happened to you, homie? He also says that it won’t end like this for his brother, that he has always known how it ends for him, or some kinda indirect shit……basically, they gotta fight. I’m happy that it didn’t happen here, though, there is time for that down the line. Right now, we gotta get this round table of kings and queens and lords and shit. Cersei asks Tyrion where Dany is and he’s like, she’ll be here. And here she comes, swooping in on Drogon, who gives no semblance of fucks about the walls on the Dragonpit and if you don’t think that Cersei didn’t have that in mind when she chose this meeting place….it’s literally where the dragons died. But Dany doesn’t care and Drogon cares even less, just chillin’ like, hi guys, I will fuck your whole lives up with one word. But Cersei, being Queen Petty is like, bitch, you’re late, we got a schedule to maintain. She doesn’t move, doesn’t blink, nothing. Can’t be outchea showing fear. Now, EVERYONE is here outside of the Stark sisters and Bran, and that’s pretty damn awesome. Seven seasons deep and this is the first time that the likes of Cersei, Dany, Jon, Tyrion, Jaime, the Hound, Jorah, all these characters that we’ve been watching for so long, are all together.

-Then out of nowhere, Euron starts threatening Theon, talkin’ about I’ma kill your sister and then he goes at Tyrion and Cersei is like, if you don’t sit the fuck down, literally no one cares about this fuck-ass storyline, grown folks are tryna talk. I don’t get the Euron love, but I do know I’ll be mad when Theon kills him (which I’ll get to in a bit) and not Jaime. Jaime deserves it. Anyway, Jon tells Cersei about the Night King and the Army of the Dead and all this, and Cersei is like, man, I don’t care about all that, I still don’t even think you know what you’re talkin’ about. The Hound walks up with a backpack full of wight, lets him out and the chain is just long enough so that it’s right in front of Cersei’s face, and she finally flinches, not as much as a buncha other people, though. They kill it and Jon explains that they can kill it with dragonglass and fire, while Qyburn struggles to manage his hard-on at this biological and mythical, um, miracle, I guess you could call it. Anyway, he’s psyched. Jon finally gets to talk about the Great War and all that shit, and Euron is like, this shit is crazy, y’all can have it, they don’t swim, so I’ma take my ships and I’ll be chillin’ on this island until this is over. He leaves and Cersei is like, aight, we can do this, but Jon has to bend the knee and Jon is like, I’m already down with Dany, so Cersei is like, well, fuck off then and leaves. Brienne tries to talk to Jaime to get him to talk to Cersei, and she’s right, this isn’t about houses or any of that right now. Jaime is like, Jesus Christ, do you even know how crazy my sister is? YOU try and tell her that.

-Everyone is like, we’re happy that you’re down with Dany, Jon, but for the love of God, you can’t lie? Of course Jon can’t, but he’s a Stark……right? Anyway, Tyrion says that he’ll fix it……but he needs to talk to Cersei alone and everyone is like, ehhhhhh, I don’t know if that’s a good idea. There is literally a bounty on his head. So he goes to meet her, stops to talk to Jaime for a minute to both be like, yeah, our sister is fucking nuts, and then, led into her chambers by FrankenMountain. And here, we have, by far, the best scene of the episode because Peter Dinklage and Lena Headey remind you that they’re REALLY FUCKING GOOD at acting. The back-and-forth between them was incredible, with Tyrion admitting to everything he did, Cersei sneering, but not over how she missed her father, but how he left their family open to attack. The one time she showed humanity was over Tommen and Myrcella, which she blamed on Tyrion and it wasn’t his fault, and he’s like, fine, do what you gotta, but I loved those kids and you know it. Tyrion sent Myrella away to keep her safe, and Oberyn was the one who got her kid. Tyrion also knew that Tommen was just not built for this, and that’s on Cersei. Tyrion says to her that he’s thought of killing her more times that he can count, and I’ll never not laugh when he says it. He orders that she tell the Mountain to kill him, and I knew that she wouldn’t. Then, he downs a glass of wine, gets one for her and now they can talk rationally because they love booze. Cersei admits what we all know: that she doesn’t give one-third of an iota of a damn about making the world a better place, just about who is in her circle and Tyrion figures out that she is pregnant. That’ll be important for something that comes up later on. Anyway, neither of these two have really been able to stretch out their acting muscles this season on a regular basis. I don’t give a damn. Emmys for everyone based on this scene. EVERYONE.

-Back at the pit, Dany and Jon talk about how they need Cersei to agree to this plan and voila, here she is with Tyrion, agreeing to the plan. A couple things here: the sexual tension between Dany and Jon, I mean, we all knew what was coming later on, right? They practically got you ready for it. But more importantly, here is where you (and I, and I didn’t) should have been like, hmmmm, I wonder what Tyrion said to Cersei to get her to change her mind? Things are starting to get a little screwy. You think Cersei is just gon’ start being nice to mufuckas? I feel stupid.

-Alright, over in Winterfell, Littlefinger is doing his damndest to persuade Sansa that Arya wants her dead. Sansa also isn’t happy about Jon bending the knee to Dany, and Littlefinger is like, well, how about this…..well, we don’t hear him say it, but we’ll see what happened in a minute.

-Back at the war room for Team Snowgaryen, Jon thinks he and Dany should go to the North together to show that they’re together and Lord Friendzone Jorah tries to step in hard on that interception, saying that she should go up by herself. He’ll never stop trying to get her. I wonder what he’ll try next season. But she says she’ll sail up with Jon, and it’s goin’ down. Jon leaves and Theon catches up to him, and long story short, Jon forgives him on some bullshit, he runs down to his people, says some shit about “FOR YARA” and they’re like, if you don’t run the fuck on somewhere. He then proceeds to get the shit beat out of him by big dude, who says that he’ll kill him if he doesn’t stay down. Oh, NOW he gets some courage and keeps getting up. Big dude knees him in the non-existent nuts and for whatever reason, that hulks Theon up like, I AIN’T EVEN GOT NUTS, and he turns the tables and beats big dude to death, even though it doesn’t look like his punches hurt half as much as big dude. Anyway, the Ironborn get behind him, they’re going to get Yara or something and I wanted to stop watching because fuck Theon, fuck his story, fuck every single person that loves him and I’ll be so mad when he kills Euron. That shit should have better odds than prime Tiger Woods at the Masters. It’s happening, more than any other thing that it is set to happen in this show. I WANT DROGON TO EAT HIS LIFE.

-Alright, I feel a bit better.

-Back to Winterfell, Sansa calls Arya into a room of soldiers and starts talkin’ about murder and treason……but she accuses Littlefinger of it and booooooooooyyyyy, does he ever get to stammering. He starts coppin’ every plea in the book and all I needed was to see Arya take a big ol’ sip of a glass of tea while Sansa is like, you killed my aunt, you wanted to have her husband killed, you started the whole Lannister-Stark beef, you got my father killed and they didn’t get to him tryna kill Bran, which I don’t know if they know, although you’d figure that Ol’ Three Eyed Raven Face over there would know. Bran is like, yo, you held a knife to our father’s throat and said I told you not to trust me and Littlefinger is like HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL OF THESE THINGS, B. Arya also says that he told her mother that the dagger was Tyrion’s and really it was his and that’s when he’s like, yo, Knights, y’all gotta get me outta here and they’re like, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP I DON’T THINK SO, TIM, and anyway, Arya kills him with the dagger like we all hoped she would. The internet partied. Littlefinger had a good run, he really shouldn’t have lasted this long. Someone pointed it out on the internet, I really need to start liking these tweets and remembering, but they said that Littlefinger got cocky and should have gotten the fuck outta dodge when Bran hit him with the “Chaos is a ladder” joint. The ONLY person that would know about that is Varys. Nah, bruh, you gotta get outta there, ASAPtually. Anyway, peace to Littlefinger. It was fun. And shouts to Sansa for catching on. I knew she wasn’t that stupid. She’s smarter than you think. She’s not brilliant or anything, but she does enough to stay alive.

-Cersei and Jaime meet up as he is readying the troops for this Up North Trip (shouts to Mobb Deep, RIP Prodigy) and she tells him nah, in the illustrious words of the South Central Mozambiquean poet, Kendrick Lamar, FUCK YO TRUCE, and all this shit was a set-up. Euron is going to get the Golden Company, she’s gon’ let Dany and Jon think she has their back, something happened to the dragons because there was three and now there is two, so she’s gon’ figure that out with all these mercenaries. Jaime is like, did you NOT just see what the fuck I seen? Between the wight and the dragons and the Dothraki and the Unsullied and the North and all that shit, you STILL wanna do this? But even Jaime, yes, Jaime, underestimated the pettiness and insanity of his sisterbabymama. Cersei is going down fighting, regardless, and would you put it past her to try and become the damn Night Queen if that means staying alive? Shit, at this point, I would put that at like, +800 (which are decent odds). Jaime is like, fuck it, I’m going north and FrankenMountain gets in the way. Here is where I thought it was going down. I was more afraid of Jaime dying than Tyrion, and I don’t mean afraid in that I care about Jaime living or dying, but that she’d actually do it, which she didn’t. Those two dying at the hands of each other has to be like, +400. Jaime leaves by himself, puts a glove on his gold hand like it’s gon’ get cold or something, feels the snow falling like, the fuck is this winter shit (I imagine this is what people in Los Angeles or something would feel like if they saw snow) and headed north.

-Sam gets to Winterfell with Gilly and, um, I think his name is Sam Jr, Lil’ Sam? Tim? Anyway, the baby (I can never remember his name). He meets Bran, who you’d think would know he was coming, but whatever, Sam asks him what happened to him beyond the Wall and Bran is like, I became the Three Eyed Raven. Sam hits that Sansa line and is like, I don’t know what that means. Bran explains that he can see all of the things, past and present, all of the time, but then he asks Sam what he wants and I’d be like, I THOUGHT YOU KNEW EVERYTHING, B. Sam says that Jon is the one to lead the fight against the Army of the Dead, but he can’t do it alone. Bran is like, he’s on his way back with Daenerys Targaryen, and Sam is like, vision? And Bran is like, nah, raven, dogg. Then Bran spills all the tea on Jon, that he is the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark, and Sam is like, yooooooooooooo, I stole this diary and I read that Rhaegar’s first marriage was annulled and he actually married Lyanna, so Jon is actually a trueborn Targaryen, which means he is the heir to the Iron Throne. And I bet Sam will have to be the one to tell Jon because Sam always has to tell Jon some bad news.

-So now, we get to incest time, and they brood, and they look at each other longingly, and they smash. Which sparked an international conversation about how much incest is too much incest, and if they didn’t know it was incest, is it REALLY incest? The answer is, man, this show was built on incest and the entire Targaryen empire was built on incest, so you know wanna know what? Let them cook. Send Jaime back to King’s Landing and let’s have a tag-team incest match between Dany and Jon (or whatever his real name is, I’m calling him Jon for the rest of the show, so whatever), and Jaime and Cersei. And I still think Tyrion is a Targaryen somehow, someway, until they prove that he is not, and then it’s a handicap match. I didn’t even mean that, that actually wrote itself. But I stand behind it.

-So now, we have Tyrion, who sees Jon go inside and he’s like, awwwww man…..this is bad. Now, this could go a couple ways. I initially thought that it was because, it’s just a bad time for all this, incest or not…..gotta stay focus on the task at hand. But then my girl sent me this Huffington Post article (thanks, lovey) because she asked me why Tyrion cared that Cersei was pregnant, because really, he shouldn’t give a damn. I don’t even think that she is, 100%, but since Maury can’t make an appearance, we’ll just have to trust Cersei, which sounds really fucking stupid, but here we are. Did Tyrion get soft and cut a deal with Cersei to betray Dany? And then there is the whole matter of Tyrion mentioning shit to Dany about having an heir to the throne, since she said she can’t have kids. Anyway, it’s a very interesting article. Quite frankly, I don’t really read many articles on Game Of Thrones just because people pick it apart and it’s all too damn much when really, it’s just a television show. But it’s worth a click.

-Arya and Sansa stand on top of a wall and they’re cool now, and they miss their father. Good for them. I think I’d care more if they got all the Theon time. Yes, I definitely would.

-Bran is out by the tree, wargin’ away the time, and he sends the ravens to the Wall, where Tormund and Beric are there, when they notice the Army of the Dead coming out of the trees. And that’s when I’m like, LOOK UP, MUFUCKAS, LOOK UP, YOU KNOW WHAT’S COMING. The Night King rolls up with Viserion and starts wreckin’ shop, shooting some sort of blue flame at the Wall and he brought that mufucka down like it was made of Lego. I’m sure Beric and Tormund survived somehow, but that shit ain’t important because the spectacle of Viserion just flapping there, breathing fire with all of his might until the Wall came down, man, if that didn’t move your soul to a different place, then we ain’t built the same and that’s completely fine. Anyway, they’re coming now, and they got two years to get there, so they should be at Winterfell by then.

-Season 7 MVP (Character) – The Night King. HE HAS A FUCKING ZOMBIE DRAGON. WHAT ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT?

-Season 7 MVP (Actor/Actress) – Lena Headey, for the scene here and the joint where she locked Ellaria and her daughter up. Cersei is a goddamn maniac.

Well, that was fun. And sometimes, that’s all that needs to be had. Mufuckas was outchea making Game Of Thrones The Walking Dead. Nah. Not tryna hear it, especially in a fantasy show. And we wouldn’t even be in this position if homeboy had gotten the books done, maybe. But I don’t even care. It’s still the heavyweight champion of television and dammit, I was entertained. I’ll be shallow, but I’ll be entertained.

Anyway, I could probably add another 1,000 words, but I gotta get to work. Maybe I’ll update or write another post at some point. Shit, we got like, two years until it comes back, so I have plenty of time. They shouldn’t even tell us when it drops, just drop Season 8 in the middle of the night like a Beyonce album and see how many mufuckas call in to work that day, Thanks for rockin’ with me, shouts to Pat for being my editor and yeah……we’ll do this again in 2019 (although I might do something for American Horror Story, depending on work life).

Game Of Thrones S07E06 – Beyond The Wall

Game Of Thrones heads beyond the wall with this latest episode as Ridiculous Plan #1482 is executed, successfully, I guess. However, the Night King now has his best weapon against the best weapon that Jon and ’em had against him, and next season is about to be so very lit. Let’s go….

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-Not that many places to jump around to this week. Start in Winterfell, where Arya is being super pressed about Sansa and that letter that Littlefinger planted for her to find. She shows Sansa the letter and Sansa tries to explain, but Arya ain’t tryna hear it, saying that Sansa just stood there at Ned’s execution. Sansa was like, OH, so you were also there and ALSO didn’t do anything about it? If you don’t get outta here with that, which is a fair point. Sansa also says that Winterfell would still be under Bolton rule if it wasn’t for the Knights of the Vale coming for her, which again, is fair. But I can’t help but think that this is all a ruse by Arya, who already knows that Sansa is going to run back to Littlefinger, which she eventually does. Sansa thinks the letter will turn the lords of the North against her, and she tells him that she and Arya are beefin’, and Littlefinger is like, oh word, you don’t say? He’s such a dirtbag. No way he survives this. You think Arya went to the Faceless State University just to be taken down by this guy? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP.

-Sansa gets a letter from Cersei, who wants her to come to King’s Landing, but she wants to send Brienne instead based on her relationship with Jaime. Brienne doesn’t want to leave her with Littlefinger, and Sansa won’t listen to her. I believe Sansa is playing Littlefinger as much as he is playing her; I just think he’s better at it. She has gotten better, but she shouldn’t get too deep with this battle, although this is like, two seasons deep now and she doesn’t really have a choice.

-Sansa then breaks into Arya’s room and finds the bag of faces, including Walder Frey, which is pretty good. Arya is like, you like what you see? She asks Sansa to play that stupid game that Jaqen wanted her to play, and Sansa is like, I’m not doing that shit, what’s up with these faces, tho? Arya responds that they both wanted to be other people as she wanted to be a fighter, and Sansa wanted to be a queen. This allows Arya to be someone else, even Sansa, and she creepily pulls out a dagger, which she leaves with Sansa. Sansa is slowly coming to grips with the fact that her little sister is a goddamn lunatic. She needs to use that to her advantage. This doesn’t need to end any other way than with Arya cutting Littlefinger. Quickly, it’s a shame that there weren’t more scenes between Maisie Williams and Sophie Turner. They bring out the best in each other. I’m not a huge fan of either character on their own, but together, yeah, I fucks with that.

-Alright, on to Dragonstone, where Dany and Tyrion are talking about Cersei wanting to meet at King’s Landing. Tyrion thinks it’s a trap, because Cersei, but Dany is like, you see all these Unsullied and Dothraki I still have? She would have even more if she went back and got Grey Worm and ’em, but that’s next week, I think. Tyrion is tryna tell Dany to stay calm, and that Cersei and Joffrey rule with fear, which means people will try to overthrow them. He also brings up a plan for Dany’s succession due to her not being able to have kids, which I forgot about. It has to do with the spell in Season 1 put on her by Mirri Maz Duur, who basically killed Drogo and Dany’s unborn son, who was stillborn. I assume the spell also made her infertile? Oh well, she gave birth to dragons, which are much cooler than children. Dany is like, the fuck is with this succession shit? Why are you talkin’ about this right now? And why should I listen to you when your plans have been, by and large, hot garbage? All fair points. She listened to Tyrion and lost Highgarden, Dorne and the Greyjoy armies. She did what she wanted to do, and destroyed the Lannister forces. Remember, Lady O said stop listening to dudes because they ain’t shit? She was probably right, well, mostly right. I don’t think you can be totally right in Game Of Thrones.

-Jon and the Suicide Squad (I’m not calling them “Snocean’s Seven” or whatever the internet was calling it, that’s stupid) head out on Operation: Get Wight, and the first part of it all is just talking. Gendry is mad because the Brotherhood sold him to Melisandre and the Hound is like, BUT DID YOU DIE, THO? Jon and Jorah talk about their fathers and Jon tries to give Jorah his father’s sword, but Jorah doesn’t think he is worthy of it. Tormund talks about Brienne with the Hound, who is like, yeah, I think I know who you’re talkin’ about, she damn near killed me (which he didn’t say to Tormund). There were a couple zingers, but nothing really memorable. I’m sure people were psyched about Tormund and the Hound going back and forth. It was fine. I’m so impatient at this point in the show. If it doesn’t have to do with the story, I really don’t have time for it.

-Alright, shit gets real when a bear wight comes out of nowhere. So I’ll explain this now: the White Walkers are the things that have blue eyes; the wights are the zombie mufuckas, basically GOT’s version of Foot Soldiers, shouts to Ninja Turtles. The Night King is the first White Walker, and White Walkers have the ability to turn other things into White Walkers. Remember Craster’s baby back in Season 4? Yeah, that. Anyway, the bear fucks a couple people up, no one important, although Thoros gets caught and Beric cures him with the flaming sword of glory. Beric is pretty handy to have around; also, being able to come back to life, that’s a very good skill to have. I’d be reckless as shit with that.

-They’re walking, and they’re walking, and then the party sees a group of wights led by a White Walker. Now, why there is a random offshoot group of them by themselves, I don’t know, but it’s fine. They set a trap for the group and then ambush them, and Jon kills the White Walker, which causes them all to disintegrate but one. They jump it and tie it up, and off they go. Why didn’t this creature get affected, but the rest did? I’m not sure, but they got it and there it goes.

-A massive group of wights (I’m trying SO hard not to get these jokes off about massive groups of wights, but those are too easy) are alerted by the one wight’s screams, so Thoros tells Gendry to leave his hammer and go get ravens to Dany that they need help. Jon and the squad manage to get to the middle of a lake, but they’re surrounded by like, thousands of wights. Gendry eventually makes it to Eastwatch and collapses, and when he comes to, he tells Davos to get these ravens on the go. I have no idea how long Gendry was running for, but again, time doesn’t matter in this show.

-Thoros dies, which is fine, no one really cared about him (by no one, I mean me). They burn his body and Beric suggest to Jon that he just kill the Night King and Jon is like, oh geez, thanks, tips, just as easy as that, huh? Sure, if they kill him, all of the wights might die, but he’s a pretty tough guy to get to, much less kill. Beric says that the Lord of Light didn’t bring Jon back to life for no reason, which is fair, but dammit, that’s a really hard thing to do and you don’t think Jon hasn’t thought of this already? Yeesh. Thanks for nothing, except for a super-cool flaming sword.

-Dany gets the letter and gets ready to ride out, and Tyrion doesn’t want her to go. Again, Dany is like, I’m not listening to your dumb ass anymore and takes all three dragons with her. Meanwhile, the Hound decides that it’s time to fuck around and throws rocks at the wights, which is simply fucking stupid. The wights realize that the ice is now strong enough and they can start moving in on the crew and everyone is like, THANKS, HOUND, ‘PRECIATE IT. They get to fighting, fighting, fighting, fighting, but Jon eventually tells them to fall back. Tormund gets swarmed by the wights, but somehow not only doesn’t get messed up, but the Hound saves him. Another dude falls into a pit of wights and yeah, he got fucked up, b.

-But out of nowhere, Dany flies in on Drogon and the other two, and starts wreckin’ shop. Drogon ran up in there like the 30th man at the Royal Rumble and shit. He settles down and Viserion and Rhaegal keep up the fight, while the group puts the captured wight on Drogon and they load up as well. However, the Night King steps up like Dan Marino and hits Viserion right in the neck. Everyone looks like, well, shit, that’s a game-changer as Viserion falls into the ice, crashes through and sinks. The Night King wants to throw another one, but Jon rushes him and is dragged under the ice by two wights, but he tells Dany to roll out.

-But WAIT, it gets better. Dany and ’em leave, and the Night King and company leave as well, which leaves Jon underwater with the wights, who die, I assume. I don’t know how much longer it is, but Jon pops up because people don’t drown on this show. More wights show up and try to get Jon, but uncle Benjen Stark pops up and gives Jon his horse. The wights eventually swarm him, though. So now we have wight uncle Benjen AND wight Hodor to look forward to.

-The Hound loads up the wight into a boat at Eastwatch and says he never wants to see Tormund and Beric again. Dany sends Drogon and Rhaegal to find Jon, but he rolls up anyway on the horse, all fucked up. Also, let’s give props to Dany’s coat. That joint was smoove. Everyone’s fur game was pretty tight in this episode, actually.

-Jon wakes up to find Dany staring at him, and he says, hey, maybe that was a stupid idea, and you lost a dragon because of it. But now Dany knows that the Army of the Dead is actually a thing, and she’s more down to fight them and leave all this throne shit behind. Dany also says that she doesn’t like being called Dany; the last person to call her that was Viserys and well, he was kind of a piece of shit brother. So Jon is like, fine, I’ll call you my Queen and I’ll bend the knee, but I’m kinda fucked up right now and I’ll do it when I can stand and shit. They hold hands for a minute and dammit, someone gotta get Bran in a room with Jon for just 10 minutes.

-We end with the wights pulling Viserion’s body out of the lake with some big-ass chains that people are kinda pressed about on the internet. The Night King walks up to him and puts his hands on his face, and BOOM, his eyes open and they’re blue. So, for everyone pressed about the chains because it was really weird to see how many people were mad about it:

WHO FUCKING CARES BECAUSE WE HAVE MOTHERFUCKING ICE ZOMBIE DRAGONS!

Say it with me now:

MOTHERFUCKING ICE ZOMBIE DRAGONS, B!

-Now, in theory, this blows the “Tyrion is a dragon rider” theory out of the water, but I still think he is a Targaryen. He’s just not a dragon-rider. That’s fine. So now I’m getting ready for this handicap match between the Night King and Viserion against Dany and Drogon, and Jon and Rhaegal. I’m so here for this dragon on dragon violence. Probably won’t get that until the final season, tho. It’ll be interesting to see what Viserion can shoot out of his mouth, either fire or ice, but that’ll have a hand in how they get through the Wall, I’d bet.

Oh, quick aside: I’m putting GOT above Breaking Bad now, so it’s #2 on the list. Breaking Bad was amazing. Hell, Breaking Bad was the reason that I started doing these recaps, and it’s a wonderful show. Guess what it ain’t have, tho:

MOTHERFUCKING ICE ZOMBIE DRAGONS.

One episode left. Giddy up, y’all.

Game Of Thrones S07E2 – Stormborn

Game Of Thrones rolls on with “Stormborn”, which doesn’t waste any time getting right into the story. They don’t have much time left, and there are no wasted scenes like Dany’s three-day walk up to her long-ass Dragonstone driveway. Let’s go…..

-Dany is in the war room with Tyrion and Varys, and they’re talking about how she was born, hence the title of the episode. Tyrion is tryna talk her out of burning the shit outta Cersei, which would be entertaining and all, but not the smartest of moves, which is why he is the Hand. Dany is like, fine, whatever, so, Varys, what’s good with that assassins you sent for me? But to his credit, Varys doesn’t back down from the Dragon Queen and says that he switched sides with everyone else because they were incompetent, and that he is penis-less and straight out the ‘hood, G. He’s for the people and that she’s the last real one alive, but if she just wants blind loyalty from her, she might as well kill him. Dany’s like, okay, you get a shot and you gotta be real with me, because if you don’t, BBQ bird will be on the menu (no penis intended). Varys says that he would expect nothing less. So, I hope we all know and realize that Dany is crazy, yeah? There is this whole thing surrounding Dany that she is the savior of the show and one of the protagonists along with Jon, and sure, she might be. But I hope we all know and realize that if you sideeye her, she’ll set your family and soul on the reddest of fires.

-Speaking of fires, Melisandre the Catfish shows up to tell Dany that she might be The Prince That Was Promised, which comes from the Lord of Light. At this point, I’m not sure I’d trust Melisandre because she stays being wrong about shit. First, it was Stannis, who I STILL think is alive somehow. Then it was Jon, who she brought back to life, I guess, and now it might be Dany. Melisandre tells Dany that she should talk to Jon because he’s the King in the North now and has the Wildlings as well, and Tyrion is like, cool, Jon and I hung out at the Wall, he’s good people. Dany is like, sure, I’ll holla at him, but he better come in knee bent….or again, surely, fire and tyranny. Which I wouldn’t really be mad at. Dany is on her kiss-the-ring shit and this shit should have been done two seasons ago.

-Next, the war plan is set with Yara and Ellaria wanting to go in on King’s Landing, and Tyrion goes at Ellaria for poisoning Ellaria, while she’s like, bitch, my man died for your punk ass, sit down somewhere. Dany shuts shit down and tells Ellaria to respect her Hand, and we ain’t gotta deal with this now. Lady O steps in to ask Dany sarcastically if she’s gon’ take the throne politely, and that Cersei got it by blowing everyone up, including Margaery. Tyrion then comes up with a plan, which means the Tyrell army and the Dornish army going into King’s Landing because the Unsullied and Dothraki would bring together all the armies of Westeros, because racism (and he’s right). So, while they’re doing that, the Unsullied and ’em would take over Casterly Rock, which means Cersei would have nowhere to retreat to after King’s Landing was invaded. Yara would take Ellaria back to Dorne to get her people, and then head to King’s Landing. Sure, seems like a good plan. The Casterly Rock bit was especially good because I think that might be the last true place that fucks with the Lannisters, and not just because Cersei is crazy.

-Then there is a dope scene with Dany and Lady O, who basically tells her to stop listening to people and that all this peace shit gotta stop. Be a dragon and burn mufuckas. You don’t have time for all this Kumbaya shit, and that’s the only way that this will work. Again, not wrong. She wasn’t down with sacrificing her army at first, but Lady O knows what’s good.

-Grey Worm tells Missandei that she is his weakness, she gets naked, so does he, and we still don’t know what he has. Did they take the whole package or leave something? Anyway, what he does do is, in the words of the great southwestern Unsullied warriors, he shows her what dat mouf do. Good for him.

-Cersei tries to rally the troops because Dany is coming with the brown people that will rape and pillage their women…..does that sound a little familiar to, well, everyone living in this real world right now? Randyll Tarly, Sam’s pops, asks her what she’s gon’ do about these dragons, tho, and Cersei is all, we’re working on something. Randyll and Jaime talk, and Jaime even tries to give him a promotion to general if House Tarly works with them, but Randyll is still loyal to Lady O. Jaime is like, man, I know my sister is fucking crazy, but compared to Dany, this is the move, and Randyll might have bought it, or at least put on that he did.

-Meanwhile, Qyburn takes Cersei underneath the Red Keep and tells her that dragons can be hurt by spears, so he has come up with a super-crossbow that will fuck Drogon’s whole life up. She then tests it out on Balerion, which was the dragon of Aegon Targaryen, the first Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and the starter of all this Targaryen shit, basically. That shit smashes through the skull so smoothly. Cersei is like, I need my wine so I can get this conniving smirk on.

-Jon gets a letter from Tyrion about Dany, but he and Sansa don’t think he should go now; Davos does, tho. Then he gets a letter from Sam about Dany sitting on ALL of the dragonglass, and that changes his mind about going there. A whole buncha people think it’s a terrible idea, but Jon is like, guess what the White Walkers are….ice, and what hurts ice……DRAGONS, B. Anyway, he’s going because he’s the King and fuck what y’all are on, and Sansa is in charge, so don’t try and pull any substitute-teacher shit.

-Littlefinger meets up with Jon and tells him that Tyrion can be trusted, and that he loved Catelyn and Jon is like, if you don’t get the fuck on. Then he tells Jon that he loves Sansa and Jon grabs him up by the throat, which Littlefinger might have liked because I bet he’s into all that shit. Gettin’ high heels in the small of his back and shit. Anyway, Jon and ’em roll out and he waves to Sansa, meanwhile, if Littlefinger had a moustache, he woulda twirled that shit.

-Arya meets up with the homie Hot Pie, who I had to Google because we ain’t seen him since Season 3. He makes good pies now, and he doesn’t even make Arya pay for it. He also tells her that Cersei blew everyone up in King’s Landing, and that Jon is the King of the North now, so she should probably go there. She does, but then she is surrounded by a pack of wolves, led by Nymeria, who is now big as all shit. She recognizes Arya, which is good for her because Nymeria would have fucked her up. But Nymeria doesn’t wanna go to Winterfell with her and lets her go, to which Arya remarks, “that’s not you”. We’ll see Nymeria again. I promise you that. Basically right when Arya is about to meet her end, I bet.

-Sam and the Archmaester check out Jorah’s greyscale, so it’s good that they didn’t waste any time telling us what 95% of us probably knew. The Archmaester says that he can’t be saved, but he’ll give Jorah one more day because he is, or at least was, a knight. Sam instead says that two cases of greyscale have been treated, but here is the thing: this shit is gon’ HURT. Like, death really might have been better than watching Sam tear the skin right off of Lord Friendzone, and then he puts a little ointment on it. Now, does he have to tear off all of the greyscale, or just a little? Because if it’s all of it, man, fuck all that, just kill me, dogg. I’d never make it. But Jorah gotta stay alive for the woman that he’ll never get, so I guess it’s worth it? Anyway, once he’s done torturing him and he’s better, Sam will tell Jorah that Dany is at Dragonstone with Jon, and they’ll become the next Arya/Hound and Brienne/Pod duo.

-The final scene is the battle, and we all saw that: there was a buncha fighting and shit. Also, Yara and Ellaria start making out, which was kinda unnecessary, I guess, although it did make Theon uncomfortable, and I’m all for him not feeling good in any way, shape or form. Anyway, Euron and his people show up and start kicking all sorts of ass. Two of Ellaria’s daughters are killed by Euron, while the third, along with Ellaria, are taken hostage. That’s cool, because the Sand Snakes were kinda wack. I’m sure they were better in the book because as book readers will tell you, everything is better in the book because books have words on paper and shit. Yara and Euron have a go and Euron wins, and Theon is about to step in. Euron wants him to try and save his sister, and Theon thinks about it for a minute, and then…..well, this tweet says it better than anything I could write.

-Seriously, if you still feel bad for Theon, you’re a sucker. I hope everything in life that is bad happens to him. Like, all that shit that Ramsay did to him? I want that to be a playground compared to what eventually happens to him. Dogg, this was your one chance to redeem yourself. They better not give him any more chances. That was it. Next time we see Theon, he better be on a stick. Ol’ ball-less face ass. I hate that dude.

I think that was everything, I think we’ve seen everyone that needs to be seen now. I think next week is the Battle of Casterly Rock, there was a snippet where some mufuckas were invading something, so I’m guessing it was that. Really, all we need to see now is fighting and scheming. No sexy times, we don’t have time for that and you can see nudity literally any time you want on the internet, and in really gross fashion if you’re into that sort of thing. But let’s see if Cersei can pivot if she loses Casterly Rock, or at least can Jaime can persuade her to not be petty for like, 10 minutes (spoiler: he can’t). Oh, Jon meets Dany next week. She needs to greet him with a “what up, nephew” (I know she doesn’t know yet, either). Oh, and check in with the mufuckas on The Wall. Next week is four minutes long than the first two episodes, so we should be able to squeeze in some extra shit.