Tag Archives: Kathy Bates

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E03 – Mommy

The thing about American Horror Story is that you don’t usually know who all the major players are, and what the main storyline will be, until a few episodes into the season. The third episode of Hotel, “Mommy”, sheds a little light on John’s wife Alex, but also on the Donovan/Iris relationship and of course, we get introduced to a new character played by an old (not, like, age….she won’t track me down, dammit) favorite. Let’s go……..

-We open with Tristan, who seems like he has settled into this vampire thing, and he’s looking for March, his new homeboy. He has studied up on March, who pops up and isn’t impressed about all his information being out in these Google streets. And then Tristan tries to hit him with a high-five, and March looks at him like he’s nuts, and says, “GOOD”. You really have to see it to get the full effect. I had to hit pause, I was laughing so hard. March tells Tristan that the hotel has a bunch of hidden rooms, including the “Black Closet”, which is a dark room with a spike in it that impales a mufucka as soon as they run into the place. I’d be fine if March was the focus of the storyline and not the vampires, and maybe he will be eventually. I hope so.

-Will Drake is with Claudia and his son, taking a tour of the place when they run into Tristan. I now think that Will Drake is a descendant of Edward Mordrake from Freak Show, if they’re gon’ continue to tie seasons together. He tells Tristan that he has to leave the hotel, but he notices that the cut on his face is gone, the one Tristan made upon his retirement from the modelling business. Plans are made to tear the floor out, and Miss Evers is pressed about where she’ll clean the linens. On the low, she might be my favorite so far. She just wants a clean hotel, bruh. But Tristan said he got it, so someone gotta die.

-The kid who has the measles has gotten worse, which leads Alex to go back into her memories on being a mother. Also, I think that kid will end up at the hotel. She didn’t have the best childhood, but everything changed when Holden was born, and she admits to not even loving Scarlett that way. I was confused when she said that it was like a drug, but she kept smelling him, which I’ve heard of before. She didn’t love John as much, so when he lost Holden, whatever love she had evaporated and she gave up hope of ever finding him. She also went to a therapist and attempted to commit suicide in a tub, but John found her. The family has their own group meeting with a therapist and Alex accuses Scarlett of trying to hurt them and she’s like, dude, for real, I SEEN IT. If only John would pipe up and tell mufuckas that he saw it, but that’ll come later. Alex perks up a little when Scarlett says that he smelled like lavender, so that must have been the addictive smell.

-Claudia is in her room, tryna talk on the phone when the service cuts out, but she doesn’t think anything of it. Then she goes in the bathroom, looks in the mirror and sees a flash of Rapey McDrillbit, so what does she do? Lies on the bed and tries to go to sleep. That doesn’t work out for as Gabriel pops up from the mattress, strangles her and then stabs her to death. I’m not going anywhere I can’t use my phone, bruh. That’s a hint that something isn’t right.

-John and Malik Yoba (his name is Adam, fine, I’ll use that) are investigating a new set of murders where two writers for a gossip site have had their tongues nailed to their desks, which in biblical terms, is “Thou shall not bear false witness”. As he returns to the hotel, Gabriel pops up outta nowhere, covered in blood, and asks John to help him. Like, out of thin air. Nah, fuck yo help. I don’t care that I am a cop.

-Tristan gets into Will’s room and apologizes for the whole ordeal at the fashion show and the face-cutting thing, and says that he is clean and sober. Dogg, you’ve been hangin’ with Elizabeth, no way in shit you’re sober. Will is tryna go over the blueprints for the hotel, but Tristan is tryna eat and he seduces him to the point that he goes to bite his neck, and up pops Elizabeth with the NOAP throat-slash, telling Tristan not to do it. Tristan is like, awwwww man, and Will is like, the fuck just happened?

-John takes Gabriel to the hospital, and Gabriel basically blames everything on Sally before overdosing, then he goes to Claudia’s room, but he only finds Miss Evers,and I mean….come on, bruh. How bad of a cop are you? All of these signs, shit, Iris told you all about the place, and nothing? Then, oh AND THEN, she drops a line about the Ten Commandments and then when John handcuff and takes her to the elevator, she tries to seduce him, the lights keep flickering on and off, Rapey keeps popping up and then they both disappear. BRUH. GET THE FUCK OUT, B.

-Iris tells Donovan that she has been looking up places to live, but he’s like, nah, that ain’t happening and proceeds to tear into her, saying that everything was her fault and he hates her and he may have wished death upon her as well; he said a lot of hateful shit in there. We also learn that there was a bad breakup between Iris and Donovan’s father, and it seems like she was, well, let’s just say overbearing. Iris starts to cry, and at least once per season, you remember that, oh shit, this is Kathy fuckin’ Bates actin’ on y’all punk asses. She is good at what she does.

-Donovan feeds on a junkie to get both of his fixes at the same damn time, and then he finds someone who is having car trouble, so he’s like, cool, another meal. But then he gets tasered and guess who it is? MS BASSETT BACK! She throws him in the trunk and drives off, and I get to partyin’. I love Angela Bassett. Just everything about her; she is elegant, but reeks of “I’ll fuck your whole life up if you mess with me”.

-Alex finds John at the hotel, because why not bring your whole fucking family there. She wants him to have a drink and he’s like, nah, I’m good. She’s like, oh, you should have one because here are these divorce papers, bruh. She’s done with it all, for Scarlett’s sake, and he gets his Keith Sweat on to beg her, but she seems set in her decision. Then he drops that he is seeing weird shit and is sobbing, which of course, makes her stay. Tears can change a whole ball game, yo.

-Then it is Elizabeth’s turn to put the moves on Will Drake as she rolls into his room and he’s like, you know I’m gay, right? Elizabeth can’t be bothered with that, though….she wants that neck and says something about him dying. But even though he is gay, he tries to get it poppin’ with her before Tristan walks in and is like, yo, you JUST stopped me from doing the EXACT SAME THING. But Elizabeth’s motive is money: she got trapped in the Bernie Madoff scandal, which is, to make a long story short, a Ponzi scheme that got him convicted in sent to jail in 2009. Elizabeth lost almost all of her money and wants to get it back, which means getting Will to marry her, so she can take his money. Will Drake is in the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s a bitch to get your money taken and then killed, but then he would turn into a vampire? I guess we’ll see.

-Alex takes John to his room and finds his work on the Ten Commandments Killer, but somehow he ends up getting her back into bed, where he almost gets it in before suggesting that they have another baby and Alex is like, oh for fuck sakes. He killed that mood with the quickness and she hits him with those papers again. Cold world, dogg.

-Then she leaves the room, and runs into a bloody Claudia, who insults her clothing choices, and then she sees Holden, who calls her “Mommy”. I’m just happy for Scarlett that mufuckas might not think she is crazy anymore. But Holden is the key to John getting her back, and I don’t know how feasible that is because, well, he’s a vampire. Maybe a vampire family is in order?

-Sally gets a needle ready to give to Iris, who wants to die after what Donovan said to her, and Sally is like, I’ll do this, but dogg, you gotta leave me alone in these halls. Iris says yes, but she’ll go back on that shit in a second.

-To get rid of the heroin, Donovan is receiving dialysis from Ms. Bassett, whose name is Ramona Royale, and she explains that she was a Blaxploitation actress from the 70s; think Pam Grier (and if you don’t know who she is, for the love of God, Google her). She wanted more roles in that era, but of course, CISM. But then she meets Elizabeth and is turned into a vampire as well, and she ends up turning a rapper named Prophet Moses, which is just about the worst rap name you could ever think of. Ryan Murphy, just stay away from rap music, let Empire handle that, bruh. Anyway, Elizabeth got mad and ate all of the rapper’s entourage and then blew his head clean off, so Ramona wants revenge and thought she could use Donovan to get it, but he tells her that Elizabeth cut him off. She lets him go, but it is in the cards: Ramona and Donovan vs. Elizabeth and Tristan. Sure, I’m in for that.

-Also, this is extremely shallow, but thumbs up to Gaga and Ms. Bassett kissing. Because I’m 12 and I don’t care.

-And yes, I’ll always call her Ms. Bassett.

-Donovan goes back to the hotel and runs into Liz, who proceeds to give him shit for how he treated Iris because no matter what she did, she is his mother and no one will love him like she does, even though she did some messed-up things to try and keep him safe. Donovan realizes that he is right and goes to see her, but Sally had to put a bag over her head because apparently, Iris has a high tolerance for heroin and won’t die. Donovan slits his wrist and holds it to Iris to try and bring her back and Sally is like, well, ain’t that some poetic-justice ass shit.

I’m quite surprised on what they did with Alex’s character, because I was fully ready to not care about her, but I’m interested to see what she does now that she knows Holden is actually, well, not alive, but he is a thing. Now Donovan is dealing with Iris, then you have the vampire battle royal that is about to pop off, then March is hangin’ out with Miss Evers, Rapey McDrillbit, the Ten Commandments Killer, Scarlett…..and I bet there will be more shit added to the mix next week. If nothing else, you can’t ever say that American Horror Story is boring.

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E02 – Chutes And Ladders

After reminding you what life they’re about in the Season 5 premiere for American Horror Story, Hotel doesn’t take its foot off the gas with “Chutes And Ladders”, with an emphasis on “chutes” and the introduction of some old favorites. Well, one old favorite and one that might actually be good this season. Maybe. Let’s go…….

American-Horror-Story-Hotel-Chutes-and-Ladders

-We open with Sally smoking and sewing the hotel’s latest victim, Gabriel, into a mattress. I knew I recognized him from somewhere, but Gabriel is played by Max Greenfield, who plays Schmidt on New Girl, which I’m a big fan of and that’s quite the change in scenery and mood for an actor. He wakes up and tries to guilt her about lying, while she responds that he shouldn’t have tried to cheat death. There has to be more to Sally’s story and I’m ready for it. But then she hears someone yelling for help…..

-It’s Agnetha, who is getting buffeted by two of the children feeding on her wrists and when Sally goes to complain, Iris is like, it’s fine, she’ll stop eventually. She does, but then the kids say she tastes gross and Iris is like, welp, she’s dead now. So Liz, the housekeeper (Miss Evers) and Iris start the elimination process, I’ll call it, which is Miss Evers tryna clean the sheets and then dumping the body into a laundry chute, where she joins her dead friend and the thing that popped out of their mattress. Miss Evers, her story is gon’ be something else, as well. So pressed to clean the damn sheets.

-The kids are chillin’, watching TV like normal vampire children, and they’re getting blood taken, which Iris uses to fill a decanter to give to Elizabeth, and she asks about Donovan, to which Elizabeth slams the door in her face. Of course she feeds on the blood of children. Shit looks like red Kool-Aid. Anyway, she wants to go out to an art show and hunt for new blood, while he wants to stay in and watch House Of Cards. Does he not know that the third season is terrible? I might actually prefer to drink blood than watch that shit again. And shoutout to that red dress Elizabeth is wearing. That has “I’ll suck your blood written all over it”.

-Side note: I just realized I never finished recapping House Of Cards and I never will because that shit was TURRIBLE, KENNY)

-Alex, John’s wife, is at work, taking blood from a child and she tells his mother that he has the measles because she didn’t have him vaccinated. Nice way to slip that in there, I guess. It’s important, but I’m not here for American Horror Story to teach me about some shit. Leave that shit for the interviews.

-John wakes up in Room 64 at Hotel Cortez, of course at 2:25 in what looks to be the morning, and Miss Evers walks in his room talkin’ about some turndown service. If you don’t get the entire fuck outta my room at this time of night, ma’am. If you’re comin’ in here that late, you better be ready to get it. Then a couple of weird things happen very quickly. He closes his eyes and sees what Wikia calls the Addiction Demon, which is what we call Rapey McDrillbit, so that wakes him up. Then he goes to the bathroom to wash his face, but he hears something in the shower and it looks to be two dead people having sex and they invite him in for a threesome before he wakes up again. How in the hell are you going back to sleep? WHY ARE YOU STILL IN THE HOTEL? Then of course, he sees Holden again and chases him, but to no avail, but Sally, Liz and a bar just kinda pops up out of nowhere. When this dude gets raped, I won’t be upset. You brought in on yourself, bruh.

-Over a ginger ale while Sally drinks Johnnie Walker straight from the bottle, we learn that John used to be an alcoholic. On the day of his last drink, he was investigating a case where a man was mistakenly accused of killing his wife and children, but he was actually trying to keep them warm and poisoned them with carbon monoxide by accident, so he killed himself. Then he went on vacation because of stress, and that’s when he lost Holden; now he stays sober because he doesn’t want to get lost again. This dude is so tortured….but I don’t buy it yet. Certainly not enough to believe he’s just gon’ chill in this hotel. But it’s American Horror Story and I’ll get over it by next week.

-John’s partner (Malik Yoba, I don’t know if he has a name) tells him that the Bel Air couple, those of the super-glued genitals, had texts go to their phone that made it seem like they were from each other, much like the text from Alex’s phone that sent John and Scarlett to that house. But John already knew this; the killer told him that, I think. Then he gets a package from what he thinks is a bomb, but it turns out to be an Oscar, which you should remember from last week, but you’ll be reminded of where it was from later on.

-Will Drake, your man tryna buy the hotel, is apparently setting up for a fashion show where we see Liz doing the “Vogue” and throwing all sorts of shade at Claudia Bankson, who is played by Naomi Campbell, who like Malik Yoba, was on Empire. This joint is starting to be like The Walking Dead and The Wire. She says she is spending the week at the hotel, so now the countdown is on to her death, and she sees John and gives him those eyes, while he is tryna find Scarlett, who is with a cop. He is tryna take her to his room, but Will and Claudia won’t let him go and pair her off with Lachlan, Will’s son who saw Rapey McDrillbit. While this is going on, Sally is being denied entrance to the show because, I mean, LOOK AT HER, and she makes a scene. But before she leaves, she gives Scarlett a creepy look and John better keep her away from his daughter. Scarlett will have a needle in her arm by age ten. Shoot, she might anyway, but I digress.

-The fashion show is starting and Elizabeth makes a grand entrance with Donovan, and the models start to come out while Donovan inquires about John and Elizabeth kinda fawns over him. Claudia says to John that “they need some excitement and they just might get”, and just then, we get introduced to Tristan, who is played by Finn Wittrock, crushing up some sort of pill of snort. Those were some big-ass pills, b. Anyway, we all know Finn Dogg, who stole the show as Dandy in Freak Show, and he is a fucking MESS. On his little walk, he drinks someone else’s champagne and throws that shit on the ground, sneers at a buncha mufuckas, kisses someone’s woman and then slaps her dude in the face and gets pushed to the ground. He goes to pick up some glass to stab dude with, but he looks at Elizabeth in the eyes and she can smell his rage, while Donovan is like, are you fuckin’ serious? In the back, Will tries to chastise Tristan for his actions, but Tristan cuts his own face to signify the end of his modelling career. So yeah, Finn Dogg back!

-Lachlan is taking Scarlett to where the children are sleeping in their caskets, and she recognizes Holden, who opens his eyes. This might be the most intriguing storyline of Hotel right now. After the commercial break, Scarlett is watching a home video on a laptop to confirm that was her brother.

-Meanwhile, Tristan is raging around the hotel, tryna find some coke, which he can smell in Elizabeth’s room and well, he has a point. Like I said in the Fear The Walking Dead recaps, junkies be knowin’, bruh. Donovan interrupts him and when Tristan starts being an asshole, he almost gets his shit eaten, but Elizabeth stops him. Tristan peaces out, but doesn’t seem to be bothered and gets in the elevator, which takes him to a dark floor where he keeps hearing random shit. He eats someone’s sandwich and realizes there are maggots in the shit and backs into someone’s room, where of course, he starts looking for stuff, coke, pills, anything.

-Here, he meets James March, who is played by Evan Peters, who is the only person besides Sarah Paulson and Lily Rabe (yep, she’ll be in Hotel at some point) to be in all five AHS series. However, I’d wager to say that he was only good in Murder House and he might good in this joint as well. He is a proper old-school wealthy dude who has a hankering for killing people as Miss Evers brings in a tied-up prostitute, and March tries to goad Tristan into shooting her, which he can’t. But March can and does, and when he takes off his scarf, you notice that he has been cut across the throat. Miss Evers complains about the stain. She ain’t never gon’ keep this hotel clean. Anyway, Tristan runs out, but gets caught by Elizabeth in the elevator and you can only imagine what happens next.

-Scarlett is on a city bus, apparently, looking at a picture of she and Holden, and she has gone back to the hotel to find him, but his casket is empty; the other three as well. She finds him eventually and he asks what took her so long, and he says he remembers her after she asks him. She shows pictures of the family and wonders why he hasn’t aged like she has, and she wants to take him home, but he is already home, he says, and yeah, this little mufucka is dead, yo. She tries to take a selfie with him, and Holden gets hungry, so she jumps away and he’s lookin’ at her like, what’d I do? This is how we get down. She leaves to find Sally in the hallway, whose mouth is bloody and her teeth fall out. This entire sequence, but especially the scene with Holden and Scarlett, was by far my favorite of the episode.

-Scarlett goes back home as John has the police looking for her, but she evaded them once again and she isn’t having good luck at being protected by them at all. She tells John and Alex about Holden being at the hotel and John freaks out, and she tries to show them the picture, but Holden is a blur because he’s a damn vampire. But you can surely make out that it is something.

-Speaking of vampires, Tristan is getting the vampire rules from Elizabeth, while poppin’ that thang from the back as the old Roman poets used to say, and here they are: they can’t age, don’t drink diseased blood, don’t get caught and don’t fall in love. We learn that she was born in 1904 and that she loved the 70s, where I assume she picked up the coke habit, but can we just revel in the fact that she rode into the club on a mufuckin’ horse? That might be the illest entrance you could make. Mufuckas holdin’ her Rapunzel-ass hair, too. I ain’t even mad at the fact that she was eatin’ a mufucka like, two seconds later. Hatin’-ass Donovan comes in to express his disappointment, but barely gets it out before Elizabeth tells him to pack his shit and go because there is a new sheriff in town. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooh! He was tryna make her feel guilty, too. That shit ain’t work at all.

-John rolls up on Iris angrily and slaps handcuffs on her as an accessory to murder, and he’s mad because she “let” Scarlett roam around the hotel, but yo, why don’t you watch your child and not let her on city buses? Don’t blame Iris for you being a fuckass parent, dogg. Anyway, Iris is fed up with the whole thing and is like, I’ll tell you everything. She tells him the story of James March, who was one of the new rich, but needed somewhere to do his dirt, so he built this hotel. She says he was killing people at a rate of three a week at times, and that there is no escape from the place, which should make sense to John as he basically ran in circles tryna find Holden. Miss Evers was his faithful servant, right up until the time they met their death as the cops found bodies with his monogrammed handkerchief beside it. Miss Evers was about to kill herself, but she would be honored if she were March’s last kill, so he shot her and slit his own throat, which explains the wound on his neck. Of course, John doesn’t believe her, but then Iris tells him that his office was Room 64, which explains so much about the fuckery that goes on in this place. But he has to be skeptical at first to push the plot along and really, I believe that he doesn’t believe her, after everything that has happened to him, because he’s fucking stupid.

-Malik Yoba tells John that the blood on the Oscar belongs to the man in the pictures in the premiere, who got, ummmmm, well, as we discussed as we watched it, homeboy got “butt-effed by an Oscar”. We laughed for a good few minutes over that. Like, probably longer than we should have. I’m laughing about it right now. Anyway, John puts together that this new killer is murdering people based on the Ten Commandments, and March wasn’t a fan of religion, so this person is continuing March’s work. Malik Yoba clues in that John is staying in March’s old hotel. The cops on this show are buffoons, bruh.

-Tristan is on Grindr, which I didn’t know was a thing until this episode, and he lures a victim to the hotel, where they start making out and Elizabeth enters. The dude is like, I’m not really down for this, but it doesn’t matter because Tristan stabs him in the neck before he and Elizabeth have sex on the corpse. Good for them. Fuck him, his man bun, his beard and his suspenders. I bet he was wearing shoes with no socks, too. He deserved it.

I wasn’t quite sure what I thought of this episode, mainly because the Blue Jays game was on that day and I might have had a few drinks. But after watching it again, it was typically good stuff from AHS. The introductions of Tristan and March were extremely well done, if not bloodier than a mufucka, and that scene with Scarlett and Holden was chilling. I was like, nah, they won’t kill a child in this show, then I remembered that they killed a baby and framed Pepper for it on Freak Show, which sent her to Asylum, so that is now on the table. Donovan is mad, so he’s about to try something stupid, and Naomi Campbell gotta die as well (I also felt that way about her Empire character). Still waiting on Ms. Bassett, too. And of course, the next time we see Rapey McDrillbit, the shit won’t be a dream sequence. Just another episode in the life of American Horror Story.

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E01 – Checking In

The first series in the post-Jessica Lange era for American Horror Story, Hotel, kicked off on Wednesday night with the aptly-titled “Checking In”. FX has been generally pretty liberal with the show, as well as Sons Of Anarchy and even The League, in terms of what they let them get away with. Hotel takes that up a notch within 30 minutes. Let’s go…….

-We open with these two blond tourists getting out of a cab, and they don’t speak English and the countdown is on to some shit happening to them. They walk into the Hotel Cortez, and man, is this set ever beautiful. It’s really old-school, but classy, and I’m looking forward to seeing some flashbacks of what is like before mufuckas started dying there.

-Oh, did you not know that mufuckas was gon’ die in this hotel? This must be your first AHS series. Welcome. Mufuckas gon’ die in this hotel.

-They get to the check-in counter, although they do note that there is NO ONE in this giant lobby. After ringing a bell twice, they’re greeted by Iris, who is played by Kathy Bates, and in true Kathy Bates form, she is not here for their shit. They’re not getting refunds, they ain’t got no wi-fi and Iris says this place is a cell-phone dead zone, which is clue #2 to get your ass outta there.

-She takes them to their room, which is dark and shady in the first place, and when the girls ask for ice, Iris tells them it’s down the hall. They have like, two small mickeys. Fuck do you need ice for? Anyway, one of them (Vendela is her name) goes to find the ice, where she walks by a laundress who is steamcleaning some bloody sheets from Room 51; clue #3, we’re at now. Then she sees kids at either end of the hall, but when she goes to find them, they’re gone. I’m not counting clues anymore. They deserve what they get.

-As Vendela is scooping the ice, a metallic glove creeps up on her and seems to touch her hair, but again, she turns around and there is nothing there. She gets back to the room and her friend, who is named Agnetha, says that the room smells like a dead animal. They demand to get another room, like Iris gives a damn about what they are demanding. Agnetha looks at the bed and notices something weird about the mattress; it’s like it has been stitched up through the middle. Vendela is the bold one who cuts the mattress open, instead of, you know, getting the fuck outta there. And out pops a….I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s naked, whatever it is, and it has messed-up teeth. A demon? A ghoul? How about some shit that lives in a mattress? That should be enough.

-I’m not sure how AHS hasn’t even been nominated for an opening-credits Emmy, but anyway, the shit is outstanding like it is every season. There is plenty of shit with mattresses, and kids with gas masks and a whole boatload of blood. It’s about to get real.

-After the first of 27 commercial breaks, we return with the girls walking with Iris, who acts like nothing just happened and tells them they’ll be arrested for evasion if they leave. I don’t even know how that works. But they don’t question it, they just go to another room to wait for the police instead of, you know, trying to get the fuck outta there. She takes ’em to room 64, which the camera lingers on and the homegirl Lindsay was like, mmmmmmhmmmm, that’s the killin’ room. Extra emphasis on that when Iris says that they never rent it out. After an hour, there are still no cops, and instead of tryna leave, they’re going to leave a bad review on Yelp for the hotel; if only they could get service. After more hours of waiting, Vendela had fallen asleep and Agnetha is nowhere to be found. She searches around the room and finds her friend in the bathroom, being eaten by the children she saw in the hallway. You wanna know what? At this point, fuck it, b. I’m out.

-The paramedics are rushing into another hotel, where a woman and a man were having sex, but she has been impaled with a pole, both of their hands have been nailed to the headboard, and his eyes and tongue have been cut out, but he is still alive. He is tryna ask them to speed up the process, and that he is still inside her, but that shit has been super-glued. Turns out that these two were married, but not to each other. Some anti-Tiger Woods fan is going after the cheaters, apparently. The main detective is John Lowe, played by Wes Bentley, who was Edward Mordrake in Freak Show. Good to see him in a bigger role. Also, his partner is Malik Yoba, who you may not from Empire going all the way back to New York Undercover, which was fucking AWESOME.

-John goes to his office to work on the case, which includes looking at other cases. This also includes one where a dude was anally raped with something that left traces of gold paint chips. The pictures were graphic as shit. And that’s not the last butthole reference in this episode. But he stops to talk to his young daughter, Scarlett, so they can read “Little Women” before her bedtime. He refuses to take a call related to the case, and then when he leaves the office, that person (with a disguised voice, of course) tells him to go to the Hotel Cortez, where he is in room 64, and he also killed that woman and left the man alive. He also says he’ll kill again, so John obviously has to go.

-At the hotel, some douchebag is waiting at the counter and asks for a room, and not only does Iris give him room 64, she charges him $150 instead of the $30 it says on the sign. He is obviously there to do drugs, so now we get to meet Sally, a strung-out junkie played by Sarah Paulson, and if you have ever read these and/or spoken to me about AHS, you know that I ride HARD for Ms. Paulson. Personally, I think she’s the best part of the entire series, and now we get to see her as a “bad” person (because good and bad are so relative in AHS)? I’m in. She calls dibs on douchebag, so that can’t be good for him.

-He gets to the room and breaks out the drug stuff, and soon he is in his own world. He sees a shadow, then he sees the laundress from earlier and before he realizes what is going on, he gets jacked by, um…..so this thing has no face, like it’s in a body-length suit, but the suit is made of skin. Then the thing (it’s different from the thing that came out of the mattress earlier) proceeds to flip the dude over and rapes him with what we think is a drill-bit or something. It’s metal and spiky and jagged, and it doesn’t look very fun.

-John walks into the hotel and Iris immediately guesses him for a cop, and he wants to go to room 64. Iris sends him up with Liz Taylor, played by Denis O’Hare, who was Stanley in Freak Show and the creepy butler in Coven. Liz is a man, but dressed in drag, and could be transgender, but he might have both sets of genitals, or none at all. Because, AMERICAN HORROR STORY.

-Dude is still gettin’ his rape on upstairs and Sally wants the victim to tell her he loves her, and it’ll all be over. He does, and then he dies, and the rapist is gone before Lowe gets to the room. But yeah bruh, we saw that rape. Like, all of it in a mirror. Honestly, I was more bothered by the heroin use. I HATE NEEDLES. Yay for desensitization!

-Anyway, John gets to the room and no one is there, but he does a half-ass job of checking shit out. Doesn’t even look under the bed, instead, he lies down on it and decides, hey, this would be a good time for a nap. Good grief. Had he looked under the bed, he probably would have found the victim, whose name is Gabriel, who wakes up, but John doesn’t hear him gasp.

-Remember the time, 2:25, dunno if it’s AM or PM. Lots of bad shit seems to happen at that time. That’s when Vendela woke up to find her friend getting buffeted. John wakes up and sees one of the children from earlier and he says, “Holden”, who you can assume is his son. He chases the child, who disappears, as they’re known to do.

-And here we go. We hear some music, which is “Tear You Apart” by She Wants Revenge, and there is a woman getting ready to go out, and a man in a bath. She does one of the largest bumps of cocaine in recent TV history, joins her man and the two, dressed to the nines, head out. Her name is Elizabeth, and it’s the first appearance for Lady Gaga, and when this part was cast, a lot of people were skeptical, especially with Lange gone. But I think she’ll do alright because she’s just off enough (her persona, anyway) that she should fit into AHS nicely and she is very talented, whether you like her music or not. Anyway, they’re off to see “Nosferatu” at an outdoor cinema, where they flirt with another couple there, and eventually, they take them back to the hotel for an orgy that seems to go on forever. FX is really not giving any fucks about nudity or violence this year, because Gaga’s tits are basically out except that her nipples are covered, but I mean, we know what they’re about. Anyway, Elizabeth and her companion, Donovan, use their metallic gloves (like the one that crept up on Vendela) and slash their throats, so they can drink their blood. Of course…..”Nosferatu” is a silent movie about vampires. BAM. Gaga will be just fine on Hotel. She’s the least of my worries.

-John goes home after sitting outside in his car being creepy, and you get the idea that he and his wife don’t really get along. She’s mad because he is late, which made her late for some house calls as a doctor, and after she leaves, John takes Scarlett for sushi because fuck the dinner you made, apparently.

-Iris takes dinner to the two tourists, although we saw one of them being eaten, but it’s AHS, so whatever. She has a feeding tube for their food and Sally wants Iris to show them some compassion as she yells at them, calling them “Swedish meatballs”. But it seems like she is feeding them to fatten them up, or help their wounds, so they might actually be dead at this point. Sally says something about Iris being here for 20 years, and Iris blames her for everything. Iris says Sally can do her job, but warns her about having to explain to “her” why they tastes like shit. “Her” seems to Elizabeth, also known as the Countess, so yeah, Iris traps people and feeds them to the vampires.

-Then Sally goes off the rails after Iris leaves to feed something else, and screams at Vendela to run after letting her out of her cage. Vendela runs while her friends cries not to be left alone, but you know Vendela is fucked. She is running and running and gets to the front door, where Elizabeth is waiting, and slashes her throat. She then tells Iris that this can never happen again. So Elizabeth is the leader of all this weird shit.

-Over sushi, Scarlett tells John that she has been having dreams of her brother, the Holden that he referred to earlier, but they leave dinner when he gets a text from his wife asking for help at some random address. They go there and there is a cop waiting, and John asks the cop to watch his kid, but of course, he gets drawn away by something. The voice he spoke to earlier calls him again, and John finds a shadowy figure in the house, while Scarlett wanders in to find two men strung up with their guys hanging out. She screams, so the man gets away as John runs to her. Shoutout to that cop for leaving a little girl in a car by herself. Well done.

-Through a flashback, we learn that John was with his son, but he turned his back for a second and Holden was gone. This is a point of contention between he and his wife Alex, who is scared out of her mind as she didn’t text that message to John, so the voice had hacked into her phone. John says that he’ll leave, but there will be cops there to watch them. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. They do such a great job as is.

-Back at the hotel, we meet Will Drake, his son Lachlan and Marcy, a realtor who is negotiating Drake buying the hotel. You might also remember Marcy from Murder House, as she sold the house to the Harmon family. There is your first intra-season connection and after the end of Freak Show, you can expect to see a few more in Hotel (there was one nod to Asylum that I can’t remember right now). Anyway, they meet Iris, who doesn’t know anything about a sale, and they find a naked Donovan, who also doesn’t know about it and when he finds out, he isn’t happy. Lachlan sees the thing with no face, but decides not to tell anyone about it because why would you do that?

-They also meet Elizabeth, who is quite charming when she isn’t killing people, and as Marcy continues her tour with Will, Elizabeth takes Lachlan to a secret room, where all of the other children are, including Holden. Shit has video games and unlimited candy. You know what? Hotel Cortez might not be all that bad.

-Iris and Donovan are discussing the hotel sale, and the dots are connected. In 1994, Iris followed Sally and Donovan (who is Iris’ son, we learn) here as he was scoring drugs from her, and Donovan dies from either a dirty needle or an OD. Iris is pissed and pushes Sally out of a window to her death, and then returns to the room to find Elizabeth, stroking Donovan’s face and telling Iris that her son has a jawline for days. Gaga looks an awful lot like Alexandra Breckenridge, who played the young nanny in Murder House and she was in a couple episodes of Coven as well. This show fucks with your head like that.

-John leaves his house and heads straight to Hotel Cortez, because why not and if you’re gon’ go back, might as well stay in room 64, right? “Hotel California” by the Eagles plays us out and ends the episode on a fitting note, “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave”.

There was a lot packed into this 90-minute (including those 27 commercial breaks) episode, but the synopsis of Hotel so far is that people die there and their ghosts feed off anyone who comes in. The only one who isn’t a ghost is Iris, who is there because of her son, although we still don’t know what’s up with Liz Taylor. American Horror Story went for the gusto with the Hotel premiere, and there were a few stories wondering whether or not Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk went too far. Those people haven’t watched this before. In a couple episodes, we’ll be asking, “remember how tame the premiere was?”. Welcome to the wonderful, insane world of American Horror Story.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E13 – Curtain Call

I’ve written ad nauseam about my disappointment with the finales of the American Horror Story series, so when it came time to watch “Curtain Call”, the finale for Freak Show, I expected the worst, but hoped for the best. That seemed to work, because in my opinion, we got, by far, the best AHS finale yet. Let’s go……….

-The freaks are preparing for the Dandy Show to kick off and while none of them are high on working with him, he has money and people gotta eat. But Dandy is pissed that no one is buying tickets to the show, and well, let’s just say he doesn’t take advice too well. Paul tries to tell him that this happens in the beginning, and gets called a stupid freak; Eve tries to say they’re only giving advice and gets called an ugly cow. Dandy says they’re boring and mediocre, and threatens to put horns on Penny, but Paul gets on his chivalry tip, which Dandy obviously isn’t having and pushes him. Eve says, enough of this, and punches him in the face before the freaks tell him that they’re quitting. Paul also spits in his pretentious face and they walk off. Nothing good is gon’ come outta this. Dandy doesn’t exactly take to being told “no”.

-Elsa is in Hollywood and she walks into the WBN offices, tryna get an appointment with the head of the network, but the secretary kinda shrugs her off and tells her to have a seat. She smokes cigarette after cigarette after cigarette before the secretary gets ready to leave for the day, so it’s obvious that Elsa has been given the run-around for the third day in a row. You gotta feel a little bad for Elsa, who feels foolish because her appointment apparently went out the back to avoid her, and she learns quickly that this is Hollywood, and mufuckas don’t care about your feelings. Then the secretary says that Marlene Dietrich did Elsa’s act better, to which Elsa was like, oh hell naw, and slaps fire out ol’ girl’s face. The security guard grabs her before a man comes out and breaks everything up, and Elsa is lying on the ground, crying and looking as pathetic as we’ve seen her all series. But we learn that the man that broke everything up is Michael Beck, the junior VP of casting at the network, and his real last name is Beckenbauer, so they have that German connection. He jokes that he had to change to avoid being labelled a communist, not being a Nazi. It looks like she has an in.

-Dandy is putting make-up on his face, and you just know shit is about to get crazy because he has that good and insane look in his eyes. He starts walking through the freak show, humming a tune, and when he closes his eyes to get in that zone, you know it’s about to be some shit. Paul walks up and says something about back pay, and gets a bullet in the head for his trouble, but I mean, he spat in his face, so that had to happen. Penny hears the shot and I’ve no idea how she was planning to hide behind a sheet because it’s not like Dandy can’t see her behind a white sheet, and she gets shot in the head as well. Toulouse (the midget that was feeling up on the twins a few weeks ago) gets on, as well as little legless Suzi, and he chased her all around the tent, what an asshole. He did stub his toe while chasing her, though, that was pretty good.

-Desiree hears all this and knows what’s up as Dandy shoots a couple more random freaks. Eve hears the shots and runs out to Paul, who is long past dead and shoutout to the makeup people on AHS as that bullet hole in the back of his head looks damn real. Eve grabs a hatchet while Ima (the big girl) tries to hide, but that obviously doesn’t work. Dandy finds Desiree’s trailer and searches it, but she hides in a closet and does everything in her power not to make a sound. Dandy then gets tackled by Eve and the two fight, and she is kickin’ his ass all over the place, but Dandy gets free, shoots her in the leg and then the head. He continues the search for Desiree, but eventually gives up and returns to a tent where the twins are tied to a post. In my head, I’m saying to myself that I’ll stop watching this shit if he kills the twins, shit, even one of them, but instead, he asks them to join him. That is probably worse for them.

-I do like Dandy’s fancy golden revolver, but they didn’t even try to show him reloading that shit while going on his rampage. God love American Horror Story, a show that gives almost as few fucks as The Walking Dead when it comes to the little things.

-Jimmy’s fuck ass returns to the show to see what’s up after getting his wooden claws, and we’re not gon’ talk about how the cops apparently aren’t looking for him anymore after the truck he was in was jumped by Dell and Eve, and there were cops killed; that’s old shit. He calls for Elsa, but she’s long gone. Then he is slowly realizing, because that’s how Jimmy does things, that something is amiss. He walks into the big top, and it’s just a trail of dead bodies all the way up to the stage. Jimmy closes Eve’s eyes and I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to feel bad for him, but between the wooden claws and well, Jimmy, we all start laughing. Desiree puts her hand on his shoulder and Jimmy gets freaked out before he realizes it’s her, and she starts sobbing to end the most bloody and intense 20 minutes of the season.

-We return after commercial to the wedding of the twins (well, Bette) to Dandy, which takes place in his play/bed/killing room, and they’re joined by a kid playing the flute, homegirl on the harp and a fake-ass horse, along with some other stuffed animals. Dot tells them that she’ll just leave her body while they’re consummating the marriage, but Dandy basically tells that she’ll be joining them and threatening her if she disrespects his manhood, whatever the hell that means. They’re having a toast during dinner, and Dandy starts talking excitedly about the future, but the way it’s shot, it looks like everything around Dandy is moving, and Bette is talking him up, but Dot has this “mufucka you need to die” look on her face, so the wheels start turning. He drops the glass on the floor and we’re like, “AW SHIT THEY DRUGGED HIS ASS” as his vision gets blurry, and the maid that the twins hired is Desiree, who shows off the triple breasts one final time so he’ll recognize her. He goes to attack her, but Bette shoots Dandy with a tear in her eye and his Goldeneye gun, and all he says afterwards is, “THAT’S MINE”, referring to the gun because Dandy sees everything as his….EVERYTHING. Desiree calls for the butler and we all know Jimmy is coming out, which he does as we learn the twins snuck him earlier. They tell Dandy that he is finally gon’ be the star of the show as he passes out.

-They showed a few commercials for that A Most Violent Year movie, which I didn’t even know was a thing until last week. I’m intrigued, might gotta watch that.

-Dandy wakes up in a tank, so you know this won’t end well for him. He is in the Houdini escape tank, and he still thinks he can order people around because he’s delusional. Desiree just wants to cut his balls off, but Jimmy says they’re showmen, so it has to be theatrical. He says all the killing was what God wanted him to do, and he was just fulfilling his purpose, and even better, he forgives the twins for setting him up like this. Goddamn, Dandy Mott just might be the greatest character in AHS history, no less than top three. Bette tells Dandy that she hates him as he killed all her friends, and Desiree gives a speech about how he is a bigger freak than all of them as they turn on the water. He tries to bribe them with money, then says some shit about being immortal, but Jimmy replies with some speech about freaks inheriting the earth and I don’t care about anything he says anyway. The twins, Jimmy and Desiree sit around with some popcorn as Dandy eventually drowns, while we eat popcorn and watch them on some AHS/Inception shit.

-That Jennifer Lopez movie, The Boy Next Door, dammit that looks terrible, b.

-We go to Hollywood in 1960 and we learn that Elsa has become a star in both TV and music, and she is getting a start on the Walk of Fame, and she married Michael Beck eventually. But of course, she ends up being an asshole and shits all over the product of a coffee commercial she is filming, saying “shite” three times and the coffee tastes like piss. Michael and a network executive try to talk her into doing a promotional spread on Halloween, but freaks don’t work on Halloween, word to Edward Mordrake…..so the wheels get to turning again. Then Elsa calls Michael a pussy for some reason, and again says that she doesn’t work on Halloween. We learn that Elsa regrets marrying Michael and has returned to her dominatrix roots with him, and she is going home for another engagement.

-That engagement is Axeman Massimo, who flashes back to a time when Elsa was learning to walk with her new legs. Elsa hates her new life as she is surrounded by yes men, her and Michael cheat on each other constantly, and she feels cursed. She goes back to the birthday cake that Ethel made her in 1952, when she wished to be loved, and now she wants to run away with Massimo, but he has lung cancer and is due to die in a month. Jessica Lange and Danny Huston be actin’, bruh. Everything that they’ve done from Coven to Freak Show, there is never a wasted second.

-Elsa is hammered as Michael and the head of the network (who looks startlingly like John McCain) show up to tell her that the snuff film has popped up, and Michael is pissed because Elsa lied about how she lost her legs, so he says he’s packing his things. An article is coming out about the snuff film, and not only that, a private investigator has connected Elsa to the freak show in Jupiter, where everyone is dead. Basically, her entire past has violated a morality clause in her contract, so Elsa is getting the boot. She says fuck it all, and she’ll work on Halloween because she knows what’s gon’ happen.

-Elsa steps out to do her final performance, which is “Heroes” by David Bowie, so we can assume that Ryan Murphy loves some Bowie. She is doing her thing, and we see Desiree walking by a TV on the street, and she is now married to whatever the hell Theo Huxtable’s name is, with children. Jimmy is watching it at home….with the twins, who are pregnant and all I’m wondering is, does she feed him? I mean, he has wooden claws for hands. Then Mordrake and his crew show up, along with Twisty The Clown, who looks really weird with a full mouth. Elsa stops singing and everyone in real life is looking around like, uh, what’s wrong with her, while Elsa and Mordrake hammer out the details of her death as she brought him here under a suicide mission. So he does kill her (although it looks to everyone else like she just had a heart attack), but Mordrake says she doesn’t belong with his crew.

-Instead, Elsa ends up with her freaks, including Ethel, which means we get one last chance to hear Kathy Bates’ terrible Baltimore accent, and she says the freak show always have a full house in the afterlife, so apparently, Elsa ends up winning.

And that, my friends, wraps up Freak Show, which I’m not going to put above Coven yet, but it’s coming. That was easily the best and most coherent of all the AHS finales, and the only thing that bothers me is that Elsa kinda wins, but she was still miserable enough that she wasn’t happy, so that’s okay. We all thought that she would survive and end up reuniting with Pepper in the asylum, which isn’t completely off the table just yet, depending on what they plan for Season 5 (and if Lange decides to come back). That they managed to pull everything back together throughout this deliberate mess of a season was pretty incredible, especially after watching them foul it up for three season (definitely the last two, I’ll give Murder House a pass, though).

Sure, there were some strange times here and there, but overall, Freak Show was a fun hour of TV every week because you never knew what was coming, and you knew you were getting top-tier acting from 95% of the cast (we all know who I’m talkin’ about). Shoutout to Finn Wittrock for coming out of nowhere and dominating the season, with honorable mentions to Sarah Paulson, Angela Bassett, and Ms. Lange for the final three episodes; like a true veteran, she stepped up and carried this shit in the fourth quarter. Word to Neil Patrick Harris and Malcolm Jamal-Warner for coming through and doing their thing in their cameos as well. If you’re looking to start someone out on American Horror Story, give them Freak Show, and go from there.

Super special shout to the AHS crew, Jody, Lindsay and Mel, as I told y’all, the show was only eclipsed by the company. Can’t wait for the next one!

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E03 – Edward Mordrake, Part 1

Halloween is on the horizon, so you know American Horror Story is about to cook up something special. Freak Show hit us with the first part of a doubleheader, which has a couple different meanings this season, and “Edward Mordrake, Part 1” just introduces more fuckery into our AHS lives. Let’s go…

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-We open at a scientific museum, and by scientific museum, I mean the House Of Thousand Corpses Of All Kinds. But we learn that the place isn’t doing too well because people are watching Ed Sullivan, so they are looking for new specimens. This is where “Dr. Mansfield” and “Ms. Rothschild” come into play as we get the first glimpse of Denis O’Hare and Emma Roberts, who were last seen as Spalding the creepy butler/doll aficionado and Madison the prissy bitch/dead boyfriend stealer in Coven. But the museum curators aren’t buying their stories as they figure out the doctor doesn’t have a Harvard degree like he says, and the specimen they try to pass off as a baby Sasquatch is really just a baby goat with a cat’s jaw attached. E for effort, though. Still, one of the curators whispers that, while this is some bullshit, they would pay top dollar for some real freaky shit. I wonder where they could find that sort of thing? OH, FLORIDA.

-Meanwhile, it is Halloween and the kids are out trick or treating at 4 pm because of the curfew, and this kid on a clown suit is trying to scare his little sister, who is afraid of clowns. So who does she see behind a bush? Ol’ Scalpy McTootherson, Twisty, and she tries to tell her mom, who reminds me of a third-rate Betty Draper from Mad Men. Her mom doesn’t believe her, but more on that in a bit as the scene ends with Twisty chillin’ across the street and WHY IS NO ONE NOTICING HIS FACE? I know it is Halloween, but shit.

-Ethel takes her beard to the doctor, where she learns she got that cirrhosis, and about six months to a year to live. But more importantly, I read an article in which a linguist said that her accent is supposed to be from Baltimore, so now all I hear is a poor version of Snoop from The Wire. Kathy Bates is better than this, right? Anyway, she gon’ die.

-So of course, she ends her sobriety by joining the “RIP Meep” party on the freak show’s day off because YOLO, and we also learn why the freak show doesn’t work or even rehearse on Halloween. Ethel tells the story of Edward Mordrake, who looks like a homeless man’s Jack White, but he has a face on the back of his head that talks to him and makes him go crazy. He gets sent to an asylum (shoutout to the shitty second season of American Horror Story), but kills a man to escape and ends up at a freak show, where he ends up killing everyone in the show as well as himself. So if the freaks work on Halloween, his ghost comes back and kills everyone. This might be the most logical story AHS has ever told.

-Dot doesn’t believe the story and thinks they should work anyway, and she is really starting to become a pain in the ass. The diva is starting to come out and she is being even worse to Bette, who always looks sad as shit and I just wanna hug her neck. Sarah Paulson, bruh.

-Speaking of diva, Miss Patti Labelle is back as Dora, and she gets to watch Dandy flip the fuck out as his mom gets him a Howdy Doody costume for Halloween. Dora gives him a look like, “you spoiled sonofabitch”. She also wears a Woody Woodypecker costume, so I can cross “seeing Patti Labelle in a Woody Woodypecker costume” off my bucket list.

-Somewhere in there, Desiree tries to get Dell to give her the business, but he can’t get it up, which I assume has been happening quite a bit, hence her bangin’ the dude in Chicago that Dell kills and they end up here. He grabs her by the throat, but the look that Angela Bassett gives him like, “if you don’t get your impotent hands off me…”, and he stomps off. But all sorts of questions arise about the sheer physics and biology of Desiree having sex. She is working with a lot of stuff.

-Dell ends up outside with Ethel, who tells him that she is dying and she wants him to watch over Jimmy McLobsterhands, but not to tell him he is his father. She also asks him if he ever loved her and he says no. I can’t wait for him to die.

-Emma Roberts, whose real name is Maggie Esmeralda (her character, obviously), rolls up to the freak show in a cab and tells Jimmy she is a fortune teller. He takes her to Elsa, who is wacked out on opium because Jessica Lange stays playing women addicted to something or everything. Maggie tells her fortune, which seems like some bullshit, but she does a good job at getting clues from around Elsa’s room on some Keyser Soze in “The Usual Suspects” shit. She also says she sees a refined man that will help Elsa, but she passes out. Was it Mordrake? Things that make you go hmmmm.

-Dot has a dream in which the twins are getting separated and that disturbs Bette, and Dot doesn’t care that one of them will die. Good grief, Dot gets a little attention and loses her mind. Bette might gotta kill her.

-Jimmy and Maggie are out on his bike and she calls Denis O’Hare, whose name is Stanley. She says the freaks are weird and she wants to pull out, but he convinces her to stick with the plan. We also learn that Stanley gets freaky himself with a dude in a Viking helmet and that he has, well, we have a few options. Either he has an extremely large penis, a small one, none at all, multiple penises or one with a face on it. Hell, we see an arm-penis with a boot on it in the opening credits. Tell me you would be surprised by any of this and if you are, this is obviously your first AHS season.

-Dandy turned his Howdy Doody costume into a clown, of course, and he goes downstairs to attempt to kill Dora, who all but calls him a bitch and tells him that she knows about the cat killings, but he is too pussy (DUALITY!!!!!) to kill a person. She’s not wrong……yet.

-Elsa gets into an argument with Dot about rehearsing and Dot is awful ungrateful to someone without whom she would be in jail. That Fiona Apple cover gassed her up. But Elsa wins because it is her show, and she is confident because Maggie said she saw a crowd cheering for her. So Elsa does her own cover of a Lana Del Rey song, called “Gods and Monsters” apparently because I don’t fuck with LDR like that. This summons Mordrake with some green smoke, but he then disappears and Elsa is like, “damn, that opium is good shit”.

-He shows up in Ethel’s trailer and he forces her to tell her deepest pain, which is Dell not only rejected her, but he charged people to watch her give birth to Jimmy. Who the hell would pay to see a bearded lady give birth? Mufuckas was bored back in the day. Anyway, he doesn’t kill her, strangely because the dude with a face on the back of his head also has a heart.

-Dandy is at Twisty’s trailer, tryna get up the heart to stab the little boy and the girl. Twisty enters and what has he been up to? He was at the house of the little trick or treater from earlier and AHS fakes us out because it is shot from the viewpoint of someone sneaking around while the mother is talking to her friend in the living. We think that it is Twisty, but it is the little girl’s brother. Then, Twisty sneaks up behind dude and takes him out through the window, so which the daughter is like, “see, I fucking TOLD you about the clown” to the mother. So now, the Twisty and Dandy Daycare has one more client.

Part 2 of the Halloween special is shaping up to be a good one. We are getting Twisty’s backstory, which we have all been waiting for. Mordrake gotta kill someone, you would think. And something isn’t sitting right about Dora with me; I think she has, or will, kill something. Because in American Horror Story, all bets are off.

American Horror Story: FreakShow S04E02 – Massacres And Matinees

The best part of the American Horror Story series, in my not-so-humble opinion, is that nothing is off the table. I would love to sit in the writer’s room and listen to them brainstorm, because I bet no idea is shot down, and instead they work to fit in whatever insanity out there. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but it is never boring and it continues with the second episode of FreakShow, “Massacres and Matinees”. Let’s go….

-The people of Jupiter are obviously freaked out by everything that happened in the first episode, all the killings and such, but now that a cop is dead, shit is ON now and the Elsa Mars freak show is obviously going to be targeted. Jimmy Lobsterhands can’t lead this crew, they’ll all be dead by the sixth episode. But, more on that later.

-Meanwhile, we see a kid in a toy store looking like the milkman from the premiere, and he is just as stupid. He is looking for his boss, but he sees a toy in the middle of the floor, which would have sent me out the door in no time flat. But nah, son needs to investigate and out of nowhere, a robot comes across the floor…..with a trail of blood. At that point, myself and the people I was watching with are like, “GET THE FUCK OUT”, but nah, this Hardy Boys-ass mufucka continues to follow the blood trail, head down, completely oblivious to Twisty the Clown just chillin’ between two other fake clowns. Would you not smell him, with all the blood and dirt? Anyway, the kid follow the trail to the severed head of his boss, and promptly gets the Twisty scissors through the neck. Dude deserved it. Keep your head up, dammit (word to Eric Lindros, Google his name with Scott Stevens).

-The freak show is partyin’ because they are making a little money despite a curfew that has been put down, but Jimmy isn’t having it. He just wants the townspeople to see them as normal, but yeah dogg, you killed a cop, so you won’t get any sympathy from them.

-We head to the house of Gloria and Dandy Mott, and they are eating snails cooked up by Miss Patti Labelle! Seriously, if we have to sit through all the musical numbers this season (more on that in a bit), and Miss Patti doesn’t get a chance to rock the mic before she dies (oh, she WILL die), Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk gotta be questioned. He storms out of the dining room complaining of boredom and we get a slight view of how tapped he is (shoutout to Dandy drinking liquor out of a glass baby bottle), which he gets from mama Gloria. Miss Patti (yeah, fuck what her character name is) tells Gloria that she thinks Dandy has been going around killing stuff, which means she is definitely gon’ die.

-We go back to the freak show, which might be getting a new act: Angela Bassett makes her FreakShow debut as Desiree Dupree, along with her husband, Dell Toledo, who is played by Michael Chilkis, whom you might remember from The Shield and the Thing in the Fantastic Four joints. Desiree heads over to tell Elsa her story, and shows off her attributes in the form of three breasts and apparently a penis as she is a hermaphrodite. We see a flashback to Chicago, where she and Dell had to flee from as he killed a man for having sex with Desiree, which brings up a whole slew of other questions. Anyway, Dell begs Elsa for a deal as she says they are full with acts, which is strange considering his later behaviour.

-Dandy (who is played by Finn Wittrock, which is absolutely fitting) goes to the freak show and finds Jimmy, and he also wants to join, and Jimmy is like, are you serious, bruh? He can’t understand why Dandy would want to leave his comfy home in society, but he doesn’t realize just how fucked this dude is. Moral of the story: it is quite the struggle to be comfortable in your own skin, no matter who you are.

-Ironically, Jimmy tells Dandy he is not welcome at the freak show, so Dandy returns home and Gloria has gotten him a new friend. The scene with Gloria picking up Twisty on the side of the road is just fantastic and a microcosm of why I love American Horror Story. She doesn’t ask why a clown is randomly walking down the street, and doesn’t flinch when he turns to her with his facemask (like for real, a mask of a face, b). Just simply asks him if he wants a job while explaining her son is in a mood. She is on some good drugs, I tell ya. They go up to a room where Twisty is standing among what seems to be a croquet set, and Dandy orders him to amuse. Twisty starts pulling shit out of a trunk, while Dandy looks through his bag and never questions why he has a pair of bloody scissors in there. He gets bopped on the head and Twisty is like, fuck this, I’m out, this dude is crazy. That should tell you something about Dandy.

-While this is my favorite part of the show so far, we should go back to the freak show, where we learn that Dell is Jimmy’s father via a conversation with Ethel (Kathy Bates), who recognized Dell’s strongman car pulling in. We also find out that Bette can’t sing worth a damn, but miss uptight Dot can, so the sisters will be the headliners, although Elsa still thinks she is the star. Bruh, we watched that David Bowie joint you did last week. You ain’t it.

-Dell decides they should do matinees with the curfew in fact, and this raises my biggest question of the episode: how do you go from begging for a job to tryna run shit? And how do you say that no woman is the boss of you and you’re fuckin’ a hermaphrodite? This dude gotta die.

-Meanwhile, Jimmy takes his crew into town so the locals get to know them, but that backfires like shit. One lady asks them to leave because they are scaring her daughter, they can’t get service, all kinds of shit. I saw it as a comparison to segregation in the 50s, if you wanna go that route. Dell walks in and orders the group out because they are basically giving the people a free show, so why would they pay? Then he and Jimmy go outside and he proceeds to beat the dogshit out of him because, well, why wouldn’t you want to punch the son you abandoned? He goes to Elsa and tells her that Della gotta go, but she doesn’t listen until she notices that her name is at the bottom of the poster for the matinee.

-Who is the headliner of the show? Bette and Dot, and the latter rolls out Fiona Apple’s “Criminal”, and let me tell you, the party was ON for me. First, this is 1952, so what, 40-plus years before “Criminal” came out? And why were they moshing and crowdsurfing? “Criminal” isn’t a song for either of those things. Just when you think American Horror Story can’t get any more ridiculous, it pulls some left field shit and all you can do is party.

-Obviously, Elsa is jealous of the reception the twins get and sneaks into their room to talk to Bette, and gives her knife to stab her sister. Now, Dot stabbed her before, so I guess she is fair game. But if she does, does Bette have to carry around her sister’s dead head? I don’t know how the biology of all this works, but I am sure we will get a bullshit explanation. And I will buy it for $1000, Alex.

-The cops make an appearance and end up taking Lil Meep in as Jimmy tried to plant evidence of the detective murder on Dell, who appears to be smarter than that and found out. Meep gets taken to jail with a slew of other criminals and I am sure there was some raping in the mix.

-Dandy follows Twisty to his bus of horrors, and Twisty is tryna amuse the kid and the girl, who has found a way to get out. Long story short, she hits him over the head and they run, and she runs right into Dandy, who is like, oh, so this is what you’re about, Clowny? So they take them back into the bus, where I am sure nothing goes well for the kid and the girl.

-Oh yeah, we see why Twisty needs to cover his mouth. Good Jesus. I’m not sure what was in there. Could be maggots, could be pieces of human flesh, but whatever it was, shit was NASTY. Y’all are lucky I couldn’t find a picture of it because NOW, the internet has standards, apparently.

-We close on the cops throwing Meep’s beaten and dead body at Jimmy’s feet, and he gets pretty choked about it. Jimmy gon’ go to war with the cops now? It would appear so.

So, two episodes into FreakShow and it is already living up to the AHS formula. The more ridiculous, the better and I here for ALL of it. Good luck guessing what will go on next week; I stopped doing that last season.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E01 – Monsters Among Us

The fourth volume of the American Horror Story anthology was rolled out on Wednesday as Freak Show began with “Monsters Among Us”, and it was 90 minutes long, which was a nice little bonus. It did everything that a good premiere was supposed to do, setting the table for what should be a creepy season. Let’s go….

-I wanted that milkman to die so bad in the opening scene. You walk in the house because you see some spoiled milk, then you find the body in the kitchen. Instead of going to the cops, you go upstairs with a rolling pin. What did you think you were gon’ do with that? Lucky for him, he only found a pair of conjoined twins hiding in an upstairs closet. Only in American Horror Story would that be considered lucky.

-Sarah Paulson is about to ball out this season. You could argue that she has been the best part of the last two seasons, Asylum and Coven, but she gets hidden behind the likes of Jessica Lange, and now Angela Bassett and Kathy Bates. She has been nominated for Emmys in each of the last two seasons, but this could top both of those roles. She is playing twins, but both have their own traits and really, they couldn’t be more different. Paulson should absolutely dominate Freak Show. She is just lovely.

-But it isn’t like the rest of the cast is hot garbage or anything. Lange does her thing as always, and revealing that she had fake legs at the end of the episode was pretty good, I had been trying to figure out what her hook was as Elsa, the leader and de facto star of this traveling circus and of course, she had to do a musical number because, well, Ryan Murphy does Glee and he wrote (along with co-creator Brad Falchuk) this episode, which he also directed. That better be it for the season. I basically threw Asylum in the bushes because of that “Name Game” bullshit.

-Evan Peters spent most of Coven being a braindead plaything for the witches, but he figured to be more prominent as Jimmy, who has lobster claw-type things for hands, he spends his time giving women orgasms with them and ends up rounding up the crew to carve up a cop who tries to arrest Bette and Dot (the Paulson twins) for the murder of the woman in the opening scene. We find out that was their mother and she kinda deserved it. Anyway, we will get more of Peters this season and I am not sure how I feel about that. He was good in Murder House, not so much in Asylum (but I didn’t like much from Asylum outside of Paulson and Lily Rabe, who better show up on Freak Show) and he didn’t have much to do in Coven outside of getting touched by his mother.

-Bates plays his mom in Freak Show and while she might not touch him (and that is a big “might”), she can definitely grow a better beard. Bates plays Ethel, who is all about Elsa and thinks she is doing the best for these characters, but Jimmy wants to leave, so that will be a running conflict throughout the series.

-What’s up with the rich mother played by Frances Conroy and her son? It has been suggested (shoutout to Lindsay) that there is something wrong with him as well, and that isn’t a bad suggestion. But there is definitely something up with them.

-Man, did they ever mess up that nurse that Elsa drugged when she first went to visit the twins. Just an opium-fuelled mess of hands and organs and flexible bodies and she walked out that bitch lookin’ like Courtney Love in her heyday. Good grief.

-And finally, the star of the show. We saw and heard all sorts of things about Twisty the Clown, and I thought we would only get a glimpse of him in one of the final scenes. NOAP. We see him first run up on this couple trying to have a romantic picnic, and he stabs the shit outta the dude, then his girl starts to run and I gotta say, fuck her. She didn’t even have heels on, yet trips over a blade of grass. Ol’ girl fell over easier than a Spanish soccer player. But he doesn’t kill her, he just locks her in a cage in his creepy trailer-van. She is later joined by a little boy that Twisty takes after he kills his parents, and the sight of him in the shadows as his victim goes to the bathroom was the scariest part of the episode. So he has these people in the cage and tries to do some tricks, but he looks like he has a face over his face (for real, look at those teeth, tho), so they’re kinda upset and he starts freaking out. He finds the travelling circus and has this look of, like….it’s either that he finds some like-minded strange people (he does see them cutting up the cop), or he has found a bunch of new and potential victims. That will be another storyline for the first part of the series.

I had been waiting for American Horror Story to kick off again, and “Monsters Among Us” was satisfying. I assume Angela Bassett will show up next week, so I am looking forward to that. It should be another fun season.