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American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare – Chapter 9

What’s up, y’all. It has been a helluva week, and the only way I know how to get shit out is by writing about it. I’m not gon’ talk about the fuckery of Tuesday, and sorry about missing last week’s recap, but you know, new job steez (YAY). So, here we are, Chapter 9, the penultimate episode of American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare. A whole buncha people died last week: Fake Shelby, Fake Matt, and a couple of the real Polks, and Real Lee threw out the “I wanna touch it” line, which might be the best of the season. Let’s go….

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-We have the return of Taissa Farmiga, who hasn’t been on AHS since Coven, and she is Sophie, who rolls in with Todd and Milo. While this season has been basically a play on the original Blair Witch Project, these three are essentially the characters from that movie. They’re fanatics of the original My Roanoke Nightmare, and they come to the woods, tryna get pictures and videos that will get them likes and whatnot on Instagram and Facebook, because this is the era we’re in now. They find the tree where Flora’s coat was hung from, and then a bloodied woman stumbles outta the woods, mumbling about her car. They find the car, which is upside down and inside…..is the woman’s body. Then she vanishes, and they go to the cops, who don’t believe their story because there is nothing on the tapes that they found, no dead body in the car, nothing. That probably should have been a hint and a half for their asses that they should just walk away and be done with it, but they got those likes, and another 20,000 followers, so you know they’re going back into the woods. All in the name of going “viral”, which is a massive statement on how the world works now. Hell, I can’t even fault them, I wouldn’t mind these recaps going viral. I’m just not willing to risk my life to do it.

-Back at the house, Fake Shelby and Real Lee are joined by Dylan, who played Fake Ambrose, also known as the helper, then killer of, Fake Thomasin, or Kathy Bates. Good Lord, this is all very confusing. He showed up at the end of Chapter 8 wearing the pig’s head, and almost got killed for it. Fake Shelby and Real Lee try to explain to him what happened with all the dead bodies and he’s like, nah….until he sees the carnage. He was told by Sidney to actually show up with the pig’s head, so he thought this was all still a game, until it wasn’t. Also, he took an Uber to the house, and that’s the second or third reference to Uber; I wonder if they paid for all this. So, the plan is now to get Fake Lee from the Polks, where she still is, and Dylan wants to go alone, but decides to take the women with him since they know where they’re going. Fake Shelby says to Real Lee, who wants to get the tapes of the Polks’ murders, that she’ll leave Real Lee there in a heartbeat as they’re gon’ steal the Polks’ truck. I guess they just assumed that someone knew how to hotwire a truck, or maybe the keys were in it….details are shaky, at best, but they’re rollin’ with what they got.

-They get to the Polks, and the women look for Fake Lee, while Dylan works on the truck. Fake Shelby finds Fake Lee and try to escape, but they’re stopped by a Polk, this one’s name is Lot, and he wants revenge for what they did to his mother (killed her), but Fake Shelby has a gun and shoots him. Meanwhile, Dylan is stabbed a buncha times by Ishmael Polk, who then chases Real Lee (who doesn’t have the tapes) into the woods. The women try to intervene, but everything stops because Real Thomasin and her crew rolls up with their torches, and everyone scatters. Real Thomasin, even moreso than Fake Thomasin, is not here for playing games, and we all know that Fake Thomasin was ’bout that life.

-The women get back to the house, and I missed something because they have the tape that Real Lee made, in which she says that she killed her ex-husband. Meanwhile, Real Lee is found in the woods by Scathach (the witch), who possesses her because remember, it is the last night of the blood moon and shit is about to get really real, word to Method Man’s “Bring The Pain”. Oh, and never forget Real Lee eating a boar’s heart. I think it was the heart. It was definitely an internal organ.

-Mean-mean-meanwhile, the Blair Witch Biters head back to the woods and of course, Sophie is the ringleader because GOTTA GET THESE LIKES UP, FAM, which is basically what the girl was tryna do in the Blair Witch joint. Anyway, they find where Mason was killed, and they find Real Lee close, but she kills Todd because she’s possessed. Sophie and Milo run away, into a web of the wooden figurines, and they stumble upon the production trailer, where they find a wounded Real Ambrose, who I can’t even place because this season has been so very confusing. They run inside the trailer and see all the monitors of what is going on, and they see Fake Shelby and Fake Lee, and they have no idea what is real, and what is not. Man, I don’t even care at this point, I’m out. Or do you just stay in there until daylight? Does even matter anymore? I think I’d run for it, personally. I wouldn’t gone back in the first damn place, though, so there is that.

-They see Real Lee heading for the house, and they call the cops, who have been on some bullshit all season and are obviously on the Polks’ payroll. Real Lee goes into the house to meet Fake Lee and Fake Shelby, who confront her about the Mason murder, but they realize quickly that she’s not right. It was probably right around the time that she started talking about cleansing the property of vile shit, and they definitely figured it out when Real Lee pushed Fake Lee through a bannister, impaling her on a piece of wood. Fake Shelby tries to get away, but Real Lee catches her going into a cellar, stabs her and pushes her down said cellar. Real Lee is moving awfully swift for someone missing big pieces of her thigh (shoutout to Dylan tryna say that Fake Lee’s missing ear was makeup and she was like, BITCH WHAT), but being possessed will do that to you. And hey, maybe Fake Shelby deserved it. She fell like, 18 times runnin’ away from Real Lee. I’m not sure if she was wearing heels or not, but good grief, stay on your feet, ma’am. She fell down some steps, on a piece of hair on the floor, a blade of grass. It was pret-tay, pret-tay good.

-Sophie and Milo go to the house and they think they’re gon’ stop Real Lee from doing any more harm, but they find Thomasin and her people disemboweling Dylan, pulling them shits out like a loose piece of string. They go to run, but Real Lee catches them, and they’re put on stakes to be burned alive. However, this was all filmed and uploaded to a Cloud account in Todd’s name, which finally gets the cops to go out and see what’s up.

-We see the end of the episode from the cops’ bodycams, where they go in the house and find a whole buncha dead bodies. They find Real Lee, who is outta control and doesn’t remember all of the killing and murdering. They go to put her in a car, but they also find Fake Shelby, who managed to get out of the cellar and when she sees Real Lee, she freaks out and grabs the cop’s gun, tryna shoot her, but the cops all kill her instead. Or it might have been her gun that she had. There was a gun, that’s all I got for ya. But if I’m not mistaken, this is the first time Sarah Paulson has died on AHS. I’m okay with it…..Fake Shelby was damn annoying.  She “died” at the end of Hotel, but did she come back? I didn’t finish it.

Well, the body count over the last two episodes must be the highest it has ever been in the history of AHS, so who do we got left? We got Real Lee out of the cast of characters, real and fake, of My Roanoke Nightmare. Thomasin and her people are still around, as is Scathach, maybe Real Ambrose, he’s still around (I think he’s still around?), but I’m focusing on the cast, so we got Real Lee. Next week, I assume that we’ll see the aftermath, and whatever is on the tapes, but as we learned earlier, there might not even be anything of use on the tapes. My Flora guess is still in play as well, although I’m not as confident as I once was. Might just be Real Lee, who will somehow avoid jail. There are a couple of hints as to what will happen next week, but I’ll keep that to myself and besides, y’all will probably run across it before next week’s finale, which will hopefully be longer than an hour. See ya next week, and keep y’all head up.

 

American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare – Chapter 7

Chapter 7 of American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare was the best episode of the season, and for me, it’s a top-five episode in the annals of AHS history. I’m not gon’ go back and give you my top five, because I’m lazy, but rest assured, it’s in there. Let’s go….

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-It opens with Sidney and his crew, sitting inside their production trailer and when one is like, yo, where is Diana, Sidney is like, pssssh, we don’t need her…..there is no way in hell she is hacked up somewhere. One goes outside and doesn’t come back, so Sidney goes outside and finds her with her insides hanging out, so what does he do? Not call for an ambulance, he yells at ya man inside to bring the camera. This dude is a Grade-AAAAA1111 asshole, b. But he gets his as Agnes’ crazy ass pops up behind him with a cleaver and guts him, and then chases down the cameraman and gets him, too. I know Sidney has you trained to hold the camera, dogg, but when you see him sprawled out lookin’ like an extra from Alien, sometimes you gotta cut ya losses, throw the camera at Agnes and run faster than her. Then, the best part, where Agnes goes back to her lair with her own camera, because fuck y’all, I’ma make my own show, and she felt bad for the slightest of minutes because the girl she killed was nice to her on set. But then she starts laughing and ranting again, and yeah, this might be Kathy Bates’ best AHS yet. This whole episode is an Emmy scene for her. She is legitimately insane. This is basically a cosplay gone terribly, terribly wrong. Oh, and how could I forget that the power went out, came back on and she was surrounded by those creepy doll figures?

-Back at the house, Fake Lee comes downstairs with her flask and Real Lee is like, yo, it’s 6 AM, dogg, you’re drinking already? Listen, Real Lee, I get it, alcoholism is bad, m’kay. But you have WAY bigger fish to fry right now, like tryna figure out what happened to Rory. Everyone thinks that the blood found in the closet where Rory/Fake Edward Mott was killed by the Killing Sisters is a prank by Sidney, which to be fair, it very well coud have been, but Audrey thinks it’s a cover-up so Rory could go to his screen test with Brad Pitt he was talkin’ about in the last episode. Meanwhile, the Real Shelby/Real Matt/Fake Matt triangle is heating up as Real Matt walks in on the two of them and is like, I don’t even care if you fuck her, just stay outta my way……and you hear a faint “JERRY! JERRY!” chant from the background. Then Fake Matt finds himself to the confessional area and tells us what we all know: that he is there to ruin everyone’s life at Sidney’s behest. Because, ratings. Wonder what the rating system is in hell?

-Shelby is in the bedroom, staring at the camera and notices there is blood on it, and there is Agnes, behind her with a cleaver, and she gets her in the shoulder/neck area. She’s about to deliver the death blow as Fake Matt comes outta nowhere to save Real Shelby, and it takes a bit longer to overpower Agnes, but he does and tends to Real Shelby. But then they notice that Agnes’ body has disappeared. So, everyone meets in the bedroom and Fake Shelby is treating Real Shelby’s wounds because she did play a nurse once. Meanwhile, all the phone lines have been cut and Fake Matt yells into the camera for Sidney to send help, but that ain’t happening and to be real, Sidney wouldn’t send the help anyway. So they split up, with Real and Fake Lee going to get help with Fake Shelby, while Real Shelby stakes with Real and Fake Matt. I think I would have split up the two Matts, but I mean, it REALLY doesn’t matter because everyone is dying. The three women head down to the secret passage to get out, but they run into the Real ghost of Edward Mott, who doesn’t go down from the shots he takes from Real Lee’s gun. Everyone else looked at her sideways when she pulled it out, and I’m like, she’s the realest one here, I don’t care if she is accused of killing her ex-husband. If I’m going back to a house like that, I want her on my side. Anyway, Real Edward Mott screams at ’em and they run back.

-The house crew are inside, talkin’ about their feelings and shit, and I don’t care. Let’s stay with the women, who are outside wandering around in the woods when they’re surrounded by people with torches, which is never good, and they do a terrible job at hiding, like three of ’em behind one tree. Fake Shelby goes through this terrible confession to Fake Edward for when he finds it, but they find him instead as Rory is hanging up in the tree over them, iron-cross style, and like, the blood is dripping on Fake Shelby’s head. I laughed. Way harder than I should have, too. Meanwhile, in the house, more feelings, and Agnes is in her cave, pulling out bullets out of her shoulder with a pair of cauterized pliers. Where did the bullet come from? Well, before they found Fake Edward, the women found the trailer, where Sidney and his crew were laid the fuck out and Agnes rolled up on ’em, so Real Lee shot her. She might be the new favorite for the lone survivor. Maybe.

-Back at the house, shit picks up as Real Matt wakes up in a trance and heads to the basement, and Fake Matt follows him, sees some shit and then goes to wake up Real Shelby. They wander in to find Real Matt givin’ the business to the Witch, aka Scathach, aka Lady Gaga, and Real Shelby starts goin’ HAM, and she ends up beating Real Matt to death after he says that he didn’t come back to the house for her, but for the Witch. So that is, what, three head-bashings we’ve seen this week? But this didn’t shock me, because this is kinda what AHS does. Shouldn’t have shocked people in The Walking Dead, either, but that’s a whole ‘nother thing. AHS watches TWD while eating french fries like, pass the most blood-reddest of ketchup, please. Amateurs. And yo…..where did the Witch go? She didn’t die, did she? Shit was moving pretty quickly at this point.

-Then we get to the real as the trio of women were caught by the torch people, who we find out to be the Real Polk family, which I realized because it wasn’t Frances Conroy. But, one of the Real Polk sons was Finn Wittrock, or so the internet says because I didn’t recognize him. Or maybe I did, but I was so enthralled that this mufuckin’ group of hillbillies have tasers, cigarettes and cocaine…..who…….what? They do mention that the cops don’t even fuck with ’em, which we figured when Fake Lee got dropped off by the cops and they left, but what kinda Charlie Sheen shit is this? They have the women tied up, and they decide that they’re gon’ cut pieces out of Real Lee’s leg, and then feed it to the other women, and they eat it or they’ll die. And they do, and they cry, and it’s kinda hilarious.

-Back at the house, Lily Rabe puts down her Emmy scene as she has no idea what to do after killing Real Matt, and she is damn near hysterical, not being able to breath, tryna figure out how to get outta this until Fake Matt reminds her that there are cameras everywhere. This is easily her best AHS run since Asylum (she was the only reason to watch that season), and she hasn’t been used correctly since then. And y’all know I love me some Sarah Paulson, but yeah, Lily got her this season, I think, just because I really don’t like Fake Shelby as a character. Yellin’ at Real Lee for having a gun…..where the fuck do you think we are? Although her line about not being American and used to this violence was pretty good. Anyway, Lily was beastin’. And shoutout to Cuba Gooding Jr., playing the asshole role to a tee.

-We end with Real Shelby and Fake Matt going to the window and seeing more people with torches, and Agnes….and the Real Butcher, who is none too happy about Agnes runnin’ with her name in these streets. So, Agnes gets the cleaver straight down Forehead Street. So that ends that.

That was a lot of killin’, but my Flora pick is still on the table for the lone survivor, although Real Lee is up there now. I doubt Fake Audrey and Fake Lee get outta this, and if I had to put money on it, Real Shelby and Fake Matt are gettin’ it, too. Again, best episode of the season and I doubt it’ll get any better, but with three episodes left, American Horror Story is right on track to get me excited for the finale, only to be let down…….again.

 

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E09 – She Wants Revenge

The usual downhill spiral continues on American Horror Story: Hotel with “She Wants Revenge”, which is maddening because the promise is there. Everything was going so well. There is no way they’re sorting this all out in four episodes. Let’s go….

-We open with the Countess talking about how she is a century old now, and she is staring into the hallway where she knows Rudy and Natasha have been hidden, but they’re not there anymore. There should been another episode about this story, or at least split that with the “Ten Commandments Killer” episode. I’m still pissed about that. It didn’t need to be a whole damn episode.

-Oh, shoutout to Gaga for getting a Golden Globe nomination for her role in Hotel. I think she has been great in spite of some bad storytelling. She is up against some stiff competition and shouldn’t win, but I bet she has shocked some people.

-In the present, Will Drake is telling the Countess that he wants a big wedding, but she wants something more intimate. Hell, I forgot they were even getting married because there are 47 storylines, but aight, cool. She just wants him to design her dress and she’ll handle the rest, and then Elizabeth asks Liz to order her some flowers. To which Liz hits her with a “bitch, what?” and tells her to buy her own flowers. He is obviously still salty about what she did to Tristan, which is fair, and all that was missing from this was a finger snap and a neck roll. Elizabeth is still playing the victim and says she did it because Tristan could have never loved Liz because he didn’t know how. Liz don’t care, bruh.

-Elizabeth and Alex are watching the news, and by that, I mean Alex is Elizabeth’s servant and getting her a nice glass of blood, while Elizabeth is chillin’. They see that a man has his blood drained on the news, and witnesses saw children at the scene. I thought they meant the little blond children from the hotel; I forgot all about the kid who had the measles that Alex saved when she had her little buffet at the hospital. Who knew that a show could have multiple crews of child vampires?

-Elizabeth then gets a call from an investigator who says that he found her man, and she goes to a cheap hotel, where she finds Rudy, who escaped the hotel with Natasha. He greets her with a kiss, and Natasha won’t be happy about this.

-But quickly, because the Countess doesn’t like to go too long without a penis, we flash to her at the hotel, riding Donovan. He, of course, catches the feelings and wants her to only be with him and she’s like, cool, I’m getting married on Wednesday, but I should be good to go by Thursday. They’re making a list of people that they’re going to kill, but all we noticed was that Gaga has great boobs, which we can clearly see because FX made them slap some stars over the nipples. Really, what is the point? Just put the titty out there. We can seriously see the whole thing. Stop making us work for nudity.

-After the credits, a trio of people are waiting to check into the hotel, last name: Stormcock. They’re so obviously a porn shoot, but Iris has some zingers. She hits them with that “douchebag convention is over at the Hilton”, how she’ll bring ’em extra towels and shit. This ain’t her first rodeo. Also, we learn that the female porn star doesn’t like getting rimmed, which means a tongue in the ol’ poop chute. I had a completely different definition of rimming, so AHS be outchea educating the people. Iris goes on a speech about how she doesn’t mind porn when it’s done right, but she doesn’t want to enable it anymore since she was turned, and goes up to the room, where she slits Mr. Stormcock’s throat and stabs ol’ girl while the dude runs into the bathroom. Donovan finds her draining the girl of her blood and is impressed with her work, but she tells him that it isn’t safe for him at the hotel, and the Countess would find out they are working together with Ramona. Mmmmmhmmmm……Donovan is about to rat you out. That Countess vagina is a helluva thing. Before he leaves, he kills the dude in the bathroom; we don’t see it, but it’s easy to make that assumption. –

-Also, she told Donovan that Elizabeth confronted her about Bartholomew The Gerber Baby going missing, and she ratted Ramona out to Elizabeth, but didn’t say that she and Donovan were involved. Not your best work, Iris.

-Will is getting Lachlan ready for the wedding, and Lachlan still can’t believe that his dad is marrying a woman, and Will explains the idea of bisexuality to his son. You can see “The More You Know” flashing on the screen, but like a true child, Lachlan isn’t really caring about what his father is saying because kids ain’t shit. Out of nowhere comes Miss Evers, who warns Will against marrying the Countess and tells him that it is basically like committing suicide. Will tells her to get out and she leaves, but not before she says that she can’t wait to clean the shit out of his clothes after Elizabeth kills him. Yo, has Will ALWAYS been that orange? That’s some Jersey Shore spray tanning. Also, Miss Evers says that Elizabeth will bleed him dry and Will is like, I got this prenup and she’s like, uhhhh……that’s not what I mean at all.

-Elizabeth talks to a contractor to install a new door, to fill the hole that is hiding the hallway where Rudy and Natasha was. He tells her that it’ll be impossible to do it in 24 hours, and March pops up to play foreman, telling him what he needs to do and how to do it because he has had experience with these kinds of rooms. She slaps him when the contractor leaves and she is pissed that he locked up Rudy and Natasha, and never wants to see him again. He just wants his monthly dinners, and she wants the door done by the morning, so that appears to be the trade-off, because Countess vagina gets what she wants.

-Donovan heads to Ramona’s with a gift, and it’s the male porn star, so he didn’t kill him….not yet anyway. Ramona calls Donovan a pussy for getting back with the Countess, and he says it’s all a part of the plan as he is getting married and will be distracted. Meanwhile, Angela Bassett dominates the screen and they could be talking about ice cream for all I know.

-Then we get into the best part of the episode: Ramona tells the story of her parents, which is where she went after Elizabeth broke her heart. They were both sick, but her mother passed away and her father got worse with Alzheimer’s. Then the house got broken into and two robbers almost beat him to death, and Ramona fed him her blood to try and keep him alive, and hopefully slow down the Alzheimer’s. It kept him alive, but didn’t help the disease and Ramona had to kill more to feed him blood to keep him going until one night, she came home and he had killed two more intruders. He didn’t understand what was going on, so Ramona fed him Xanax, I believe, one of those drugs, and drowned him in a tub. Over the years, she has fumed over what Elizabeth has taken from her, while being mad that people are now watching her movies for free on the internet, and Ryan Murphy is dropping all kinds of messages in these streets this season. She wants revenge on Elizabeth, and plans to get it. This really could have been the plot of the entire season and I would have been fine. Give me all the Angela Bassett, please.

-Alex goes to a house where a pizza is being delivered, and the house is Max’s, the measles kid. He and his friends are chowing down on the pizza delivery guy, and Alex tells them that they’ll be found out soon because the pizza place will wonder where he is. The kids’ plan is basically to eat everyone in their way, and they’ve already eaten their parents, and now one of them wants to eat the kids that don’t want to eat people. Is this cannibalism or vampirism? Can it be both? Anyway, these kids are assholes and they leave Alex to talk to the cops. Kids make stupid plans, I think is the moral of this story.

-Donovan had told Ramona that he drugged Elizabeth to put her out, which of course was a lie, and she wakes up, and Donovan tases Ramona. He takes her to the dungeon to put her in the same contraption that housed the two blond girls from earlier in the season and Iris is confused about the plan, to which Donovan is like, “Bitch, there is no plans, I lied and am under the spell of Countess vagina”, or something similar to that. Donovan thinks he is the only one for Elizabeth, and Iris scoffs, and Ramona wakes up in time to second that scoff. Dogg…..how many times has she done this? Why do you think you’re special? Her vagina is the truth, bruh.

-Meanwhile, Elizabeth is back at the hotel with Rudy, and Finn Dogg is trying to sound Italian, but it is coming off super Russian. Like, Putin Russian. There is no Italian in this at all. Dude sounds like a villain from GoldenEye. Anyway, they’re about to kiss and Natasha struts in from a shopping trip as Elizabeth gave her a credit card, and we realize that it is Alexandra Daddario, whom you may remember from the first season of True Detective. I think Woody Harrelson was having sex with her? Anyway, she was naked and it set the internet on fire for like, 24 hours. Elizabeth invites her to a night at the hotel and Natasha is afraid of March being there, but Elizabeth tells her that he is dead and she’ll be fine….which means she’s obviously about to kill her so she can be with Rudy. Natasha knows something is up with Elizabeth and Rudy, while Elizabeth leaves and is seen by Donovan, who I keep forgetting, is a heroin addict and I’ve been giving him too much credit.

-Elizabeth and Will get married in the hotel lobby, and Elizabeth’s dress is pretty awful. Liz objects to the whole proceedings on the grounds that Elizabeth is a bitch, but no one seems to care because they just need a witness. Lachlan just wants to go upstairs after the wedding because kids don’t care, and Elizabeth wants to change into travelling clothes because they’re going to Paris. Before that, she walks up to Liz threateningly, but only gives him a bouquet and wishes that he finds true love….oh yeah, Liz will die before this is all over.

-At the bar, Will is joined by March for a congratulatory drink, and March says something about blended families, to which Will is like, yeah, she loves my son. March is like, ummmmm, nah bruh, you ain’t met her son yet? So he walks him up to Gerber Baby’s room and Will is obviously horrified, when Elizabeth walks in and knocks his ass out for saying all sorts of ignorant shit about her child in true motherly fashion.

-He wakes up in the same room as Ramona, who persuades him to let her out, but while he is running around and screaming for help, we realize that he is in the sealed chamber, so I guess Elizabeth got her door done. Will is like, we gon’ starve and Ramona is like, um, I won’t….and then proceeds to buffet his face and life. Elizabeth is watching this on a screen from her room, while Miss Evers laughs at Will because she’s petty and was right.

It isn’t that I hated this episode, or even how AHS does this every season, because this show is always entertaining and the fuckery is right around the corner. But at the end of every episode, I have an arm’s length of questions that need answering and I get frustrated because I know they won’t be. They made John a huge part of the story and he wasn’t even in this episode. Shoot, is anyone gon’ notice that he killed the black cop? Still no sign of Scarlett, the blond kids from the hotel and now they have to figure out what to do with the measles army. Did Alex have to talk to the cops to cover for them? What is gon’ happen to Lachlan? He’ll notice his father is missing at some point, right? Will he be the Darth Vader of the vampire children, or avenge his father’s death? Shit, what about Sally? And I assume Rapey Drillbit is done?

I hope I’m wrong about all this. But it’s American Horror Story and I’m probably not.

 

 

 

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E08 – The Ten Commandments Killer

American Horror Story: Hotel returned after a week off with “The Ten Commandments Killer”, which follows what I thought was the best episode of the season, “Flicker”. Of course, that was the wee I decided to take off, but the Countess’ backstory continues to be the best part of Hotel, and it should get more play, but it’s AHS, which means there are 14 other things they need to focus on. Let’s go….

-We open with Wren’s suicide from the last episode, and he flashes back to seeing her in a coffin, while people standing around the scene are like, should we call the cops on this mufucka? Seems pretty suspicious since he just kinda runs away. Anyway, he runs back to the hotel, where Liz is putting on makeup and seems to be over the Tristan death, and John runs up on Liz demanding answers. Liz is like, you better watch your tone, bruh, and says that Wren was full of lies. He grabs Liz, who I think would kick his ass, but Sally steps in and says she has the answers he wants. Liz also gives him a gun in case he finds what he is looking for. Here is a hint: if I need a gun, I don’t need to look for it. But I would have left the hotel a long time ago.

-They go to Room 64, and Sally tells John that this was March’s office, where he died on a February 25th, and it was 2:25 am when he died, so that explains that. Behind a wall, John finds a hidden room, where he finds a number of body parts, ranging from murders in 1926 to the recent killings that he was investigating. Through a series a quick flashbacks, it is revealed that, viola, John is the Ten Commandments Killer, just like I said like four episodes ago. That was some bootleg Usual Suspects shit. Why else would he have been invited to the serial-killer party?

-John’s partner, whose name is Hahn apparently, is looking over Wren’s corpse and asks another cop to go and check on John’s family; when that cop leaves, John shows up out of nowhere and tries to confess that he is the Killer. He says that he first went to the hotel in 2010, where he met the likes of Liz, Sally and Donovan and he was still drinking at the time. They interrupt the monthly dinner of March and the Countess, and March was PISSED because he doesn’t get much time with her. He starts yelling, I don’t know what he is even saying and combined with the 1920s accent, I’m in tears. Evan Peters is just destroying this season. Good for him. Anyway, March sees something in John and kicks everyone out, even the Countess.

-These mufuckas talked and drank absinthe for two days, which I’m not sure is even possible. John passes out and talks to Elizabeth about bringing John into the fold, and she’s like, aight cool, I’ll kidnap his son and we’ll get this poppin’. Then John wakes up in a car outside of his house, not knowing what is going on, and walks in his house, where Alex is like, dogg, I don’t care where you’ve been. Holden cares and runs up on John, who says he’ll take him to the carnival, which is where he gets jacked by Elizabeth. Things are moving quickly in this episode, and they’re saying a lot…..but not saying a lot, you know?

-John continues telling Hahn his story of a double life, which takes place at the hotel as well as at home, where they’re still tryna find Holden. March thinks that he should get justice for his son, and shows him his accountant’s head, a trophy from someone who tried to wrong him. John returns to the hotel on Holden’s tenth birthday in 2015 and March shows him pictures of a man, Martin Gamboa, who was allegedly molesting a 10-year-old at the hotel, trying to get John to go after him. John offers to meet Gamboa via Craigslist, where he offered to buy his Oscar from him, and after showing Gamboa the pictures, he beats him to death with the Oscar. Then he tries to hang himself and pass over to the ghost world, like Sally, but March reminds Sally of their deal: he will protect her from the Addiction Demon, if he keeps bringing people to him. Hahn does confirm that Sally is indeed a person that killed herself at the hotel, but he is still skeptical of the story itself. A lot of us are, Hahn.

-John barely remembers any of this happening, but Sally tells him that the hotel suppresses his memories, and March tells him that he needs to finish the legacy of the original Ten Commandments Killer. I’m not sure if it’s Wes Bentley or the writing, or something, but something just isn’t jiving well with all this. I’m happy I was right about John being the Killer, but the way that they got here, I don’t know if it’s too complex or too easy.

-Whatever Krampus is, it looks like it sucks, b.

-So, John goes about assigning himself to the Ten Commandments Killer case, which he uses to visit crime scenes and cover up evidence. While he is in bed with Sally, John realizes that Alex has been having an affair with Hahn, who he then stabs repeatedly and Hahn says that he doesn’t deserve Alex. Shoot, he might be right, and Alex ain’t shit. He says to Hahn that he shouldn’t covet his neighbor’s wife, because commandments. He goes back to the hotel, where Iris is happy because she never knew which John she was getting from visit to visit. She tries to get him to never come back, but John is like, NOAP, and wants to go see March in Room 64. He also has a bloody paper bag….which apparently has Hahn’s penis and testicles in it to add to the Ten Commandments Killer trophies.

I have so many problems with this episode and John’s story that I don’t know where to start. Do we know who the OG Ten Commandments Killer is? Why didn’t he just stay away from the hotel in the first place?  If he drank absinthe for two days with March, why did he pass out like a little bitch during the serial-killer party? How is he gon’ be mad at Alex for sleeping with Hahn when he was sleeping with a fucking ghost Sally? When is Wren gon’ come back? Do we even know where Alex and Holden are? AND WHERE THE FUCK IS SCARLETT? As I said, I don’t know what it is, but they’re spending a ton of time on the least interesting character of the season and I don’t know who is at fault for it, but I couldn’t care less about John Lowe or anything he is going through.

That’s not even counting the stuff with Ramona, and the next two episodes have the word “revenge” in the title, so she’ll be back at some point. Don’t forget about Bartholomew the Gerber baby, Will Drake and his son are still around somewhere, and Donovan made a brief appearance here, but I assume he is still aligned with Ramona?

Sigh. This is where it all starts to go downhill for Hotel. They better start wrapping up these loose ends soon before there is another mess of a finale. My expectations are mad low for AHS right now

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E05 – Room Service

American Horror Story has always had a problem with starting up too many storylines, because it all feels rushed when they’re tryna wrap it up. Hotel is starting to fall to the same problem, and a couple more get added in “Room Service”, which was all over the damn place. Let’s go…

-We open with Alex wandering through the hospital, looking like someone who, well, just turned into a vampire. She checks her temperature, which is at a solid 75.5 F, which isn’t normal….well, it is if you’re a vampire. She heads into the room of the little boy who has the measles, but now he has a staph infection and is on the verge of dying. All Alex wants is a damn meal, and she looks at the kid and his mom like they’re lunch, but she tells the mother that she’ll keep trying. If I were the mother, I’d be like, ummmmm…..you sure you’re OK? Because you kinda look like actual death.

-Next thing you know, Alex is in a room, going to town on bags of blood and one of our viewing party called the hospital, “a McDonalds for vampires”, which was pretty good. Sucks for everyone that needed blood transplants, but these things happen. Then she comes up with a plan: Alex takes her blood and injects it into the kid’s (Max is his name) IV, and he starts to have a seizure before opening his eyes…..and credits. Great. Inject the kid with vampire blood. Nothing could go wrong…….right?

-Donovan shows up at Ramona’s house with a strung-out Iris, who if you remember, was also turned by her son. Ramona isn’t happy about him showing up with her, but Donovan has a plan: Iris will be the mole on the inside at the hotel, Ramona is a little hesitant, but eventually agrees, and that’s fine. But the star of this scene? The posters on Ramona’s wall of her movies, Slaughter Sister and Bride Of Blackenstein. Slaughter Sister isn’t a real movie (but I REALLY want it to happen, someone send that shit to Tarantino) and neither is Bride Of Blackenstein, but Blackenstein is an actual movie that I saw a long time ago. I really recommend you watch it. It’s a hot piece of shit, dogg. Like, hot steaming garbage in the middle of the summer. But it’s worth it for the hilarity.

-Alex returns to Max’s room and he is gone, and she’s like, oh shit, but he brought back by a nurse and his mother, and he looks as good as new. Everyone is shocked by his quick recovery and they start the paperwork for his release, but at the end of the scene, his mom looks at Alex like, something ain’t right with this woman. But she’s not looking a gifthorse in the mouth because her son is okay. I can respect that.

-Iris shows up at the hotel, looking like stir-fried shit, and Liz knows what is good right away. He takes her to the bar and gives her a blood/Triple Sec martini to take the edge off, but he reminds Iris that she has to start feeding regularly to keep this under control. She starts going on about how invisible women are as they get older, and I really don’t know what she is talking about because AHS has never been a show with great writing, but Kathy Bates be actin’, bruh.

-Max is dressed like a pirate, so I assume it is still Halloween in these streets, but before he catches the school bus, he has a light breakfast: his mom. So does that mean she is a vampire now, too? Anyway, he goes to school and there is a party, and he takes his little friend into a closet to explain to her that he had the measles. But they go in to kiss, and it’s a little uncomfortable because, well, these mufuckas look like they’re in elementary school. I have no qualms with him biting her lip so he can taste her blood, but it’s all a little weird; it’s very sexualized for young children. You have to keep moving your moral goalposts for AHS, because they’re always gon’ do something to shock you. Anyway, the teacher wanders into the closet and is like, the fuck y’all doing, and Max slices her shit up. Meanwhile, the rest of the class gets sick because Max has been tainting their food, and then a principal or something walks in and he gets fucked up, too. The SWAT team is called into the school and the kids escape, but Max concocts a story about getting attacked and everyone sticks to it. It’s a very strange scene all around, and now I’m like, am I supposed to care about the child-vampire army? Is this another thing? Isn’t there enough going on already?

-Meanwhile, John is telling his boss what happened to him with the serial-killer party and all that, and dude is looking at him like he is absolutely insane. He knows it sounds crazy, but he stakes his reputation on it and his boss is like, your reputation ain’t shit, bruh. He fires John, who hands in his gun, and I don’t care. Honestly, if they got rid of John and started the child-vampire thing, I’d be okay with that.

-Iris is at the hotel, tryna get back to life, when in walk a man and a woman looking for a room. The man is named Justin and played by Darren Criss, who I learned was on Glee, so that makes sense with the whole Ryan Murphy thing. He and his lady are apparently in the social-media business and they want a room because Will Drake owns the hotel, and their job is basically to be a pair of hipster assholes, which they play quite well. They’re very demanding and driving Iris crazy, but meanwhile, she’s trying to put Elizabeth and Tristan off her scent as they walk through the lobby, looking all fancy, and they notice that Iris is nervous. Tristan is actually smelling her and they know something is up, but Iris chalks it up to Halloween nervousness, which, sure, I guess that could be a thing. I don’t how you get nervous about anything after working in this hotel, but who am I to ask questions? Even Liz is looking like, they gotta know, b.

-Then Justin calls downstairs to try and get room service, and he wants some grilled romaine lettuce and other bullshit that this place obviously wouldn’t have, so he orders Iris to call and get it delivered. Didn’t take long, but I can’t wait until these mufuckas get their faces eaten. Oh, and they wanted pate, so Liz puts some cat food on a silver platter because fuck them, that’s why. Anyway, Liz and Iris start talking and Iris says something about not being homophobic, to which Liz states that he’s not gay and Iris is confused…..so we get Liz’s backstory FINALLY.

-Liz was a married man from Topeka, and he only married this woman because of her dress size. He would go away on business trips and when his colleagues would go out to strip clubs, he would stay in his room and dress like a woman. He got champagne ordered to his room and someone leaves it outside, but we never see who it is and I’m interested to see who it was. But he turns around and Elizabeth is behind him, telling him that his blood smells like a woman. He starts to cry and says that he is ugly, so Elizabeth offers him a life as a goddess and does his makeup for him so they can go out on the town. He’s not ready for all that yet, so Elizabeth tells him to go get some ice and of course, he runs into his coworkers, who start calling him a fag and wondering if they got AIDS from sharing a Sprite because yo, it was the 80s and mufuckas didn’t know any better. Actually, mufuckas still don’t know any better, but that’s a whole ‘nother conversation. Anyway, Elizabeth pops up and slices their throats, and Liz Taylor, as he is now know, stays at the hotel. He sent his family money until his kids turned 18. So…..his wife never came looking for him ever again? I have a feeling we’ll see her by the end of Hotel and oh yeah, Denis O’Hare is getting nominated for something for this sequence. Remember where you heard it first.

-He also tells Iris that she should teach the hipsters a lesson, and she takes the cat food and a bottle of wine upstairs. They continue to complain, although they say that the “pate” is decent, and they bitch and they bitch, until Iris snaps and stabs ol’ girl in the neck with a corkscrew, and then gets Justin with a knife, all the while yelling about how they don’t know anything outside of their sheltered lives. Then she drinks their blood because, well, why not? Can’t let that shit go to waste. They got what was coming to them.

-John wakes up in bed with Sally, and he doesn’t remember any of it, so Sally tells him what happened and he was like, nah, you gotta go, so of course, she flips because women aren’t fans of that. But while we get a flashback of the sex, we see Rapey McDrillbit behind him for a flash of a second and he’s like, WHOA…..but goes back to the sex, because SEX. Anyway, she says some shit about this being real and it’s destiny that they should be together. He’s a killer, dogg. He has to be. She knows that shit when she sees it.

-Iris feels better as she and Liz push the dead hipsters down the hall and then they toss them down the chute where the bodies go. They also drink the wine that they didn’t finish. Again, can’t let shit go to waste.

-Elizabeth tells Holden to give Alex a kiss, and that it is past his bedtime, and Alex is like, huh? She wants to spend more time with him, so Elizabeth has a special gift for them: a two-person coffin where they can do whatever it is that vampires do in coffins. Alex rightly asks about what about seeing John in the hotel, but that shit is gone when she sees the coffin. They’ll figure that shit out later, I guess.

So, it’s not that I didn’t enjoy this episode of Hotel, but it’s just…..man, there is a lot of shit going on right now. Now we have the child-vampire army, to go with John’s relationship with Sally, his wife and son are vampires, we didn’t even see or hear about Scarlett in this episode, Ramona’s revenge plot with Donovan and Iris, who is now enjoying that vampire life, and they barely touched on that. Oh, and the Ten Commandments Killer thing. Oh, and Will Drake. And March. And will we see the serial-killer crew again? Don’t do this to yourself, American Horror Story. In a series known for a lack of focus, this might be the most unfocused joint yet. I’ll still watch, tho because if nothing else, it’s entertaining.

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E4 – Devil’s Night

What would American Horror Story be without their annual Halloween madness? Hotel continues the trend with “Devil’s Night”, which is straightforward and to the point. But before we go further, let’s rank the past four Halloween AHS joints

  1. Asylum –  Asylum was still ascending when they hit “Nor’Easter”, which was the third episode of the season. Lily Rabe starts to become her crazed-nun character, while Sarah Paulson and Evan Peters run into some shit in the woods and Chloe Sevigny gets her legs cut off. I REALLY need to re-watch Asylum. Those last 4-5 episodes were trash, tho.

2.  Murder House – A two-part episode called “Halloween”, because fuck tryna think of a name.        A dead doctor tries to sew animal parts on his dismembered child, while “pretty girl” Jamie          Brewer gets hit by a car and dies. Dylan McDermott’s side piece (Kate Mara) comes back to          life, and Jessica Lange reveals that Evan Peters was really her dead son, to the surprise of            Taissa Farmiga. It’s here where you were like, “Oh. So this is what AHS is all about. Fuckery.”

3. Freak Show – The Edward Mordrake joints, dude who killed people because a face on the back     of his head told him to. But really, the best parts were the backstories for Kathy Bates and           Twisty The Clown.

4.  Coven – Another two-parter, Evan Peters kills his molestful mother, we get Gaby Sidibe vs. the     Minotaur, Lily Rabe shows up to bring Frances Conroy back to life, the witches vs. voodoo war     kicks off, there is a zombie party and Sarah Paulson goes blind. Minotaurs are in last place.         Welcome to American Horror Story.

Let’s go………..

-We open with a dude bursting through the front door of the Hotel Cortez, and we learn that it is Richard Ramirez, who has a standing invitation for Devil’s Night, and he wishes that Charlie could join them…..yep, Charles Manson, who is somehow still alive. I learned, via our weekly viewing crew, that Richard Ramirez was a serial killer known as the Night Stalker, and he did his work in Los Angeles and San Francisco. If nothing else, Ryan Murphy and crew love to take historical shit and build their series around it. Liz takes him to his room, and he has a gift waiting for him: it is a sleeping couple, who he, of course, brutally kills. Well, he kills the man, but the woman gets away and runs into James March, and she thought he was gon’ save her. NOAP. So March is hosting serial-killer parties on Halloween. Sounds about right.

-John gets a call from Scarlett, who is at her grandmother’s and she doesn’t really wanna go trick-or-treating, which is fair. John is like, yeah, that’s cool, I should probably go though because there is blood pouring from the ceiling. Well, he doesn’t tell her that, but there is blood pouring from the ceiling, all over his diagrams of the Ten Commandments Killer, who really isn’t even a storyline, but we came up with some theories about that, which I’ll get to at the end.

-John goes upstairs and knocks on a door to a room, where Miss Evers is tryna get out stains, because that is what she does….however, this stain keeps reappearing, which makes the job pretty damn difficult. She lets John in and proceeds to go into her backstory, which also involves her losing her child, Albert, who I bet we’ll see again at some point. He was literally right behind her when he got snatched up by some perv and taken to a farm, where he is presumably killed. She tells him all this, and John is like, so someone else gets it, and she gets all worked up about the night’s party before leaving. But John, being a good cop, doesn’t ask her about the blood, which he even sees in the bathroom, and he’s just like, well, chalk it up to the game. Our viewing party isn’t feeling John. He’s kinda the worst. Just MEH.

-Alex has taken Holden home and she takes his temperature, which is at 75, but nah, he’s not cold. The dog is frightened, so Alex puts it in the bathroom and then Holden says he is thirsty, so she goes into the kitchen to pour them some juice. She starts to cry in the kitchen, but shit only gets worse when she returns to the living room, and as soon as I saw the dog, I was like, Holden’s gon’ eat that mufucka. Guess what? Holden ATE that mufucka and has the nerve to say he isn’t feeling well. Between this and Fear The Walking Dead, it hasn’t been a good TV year for dogs. He also says that he wants his other mommy, which is a kick in the junk for Alex.

-John does a little bit of research to find that the murders that Miss Evers were talking about are the Wineville murders, which happened 85 years ago and they had to change the name of the town. YOOOOOO……85 YEARS, DOGG. WHY ARE YOU STILL STAYING THERE? This also happened in real life. There is a lot of background research this season.

-Alex takes Holden back to the hotel, where he decides that he needs to nap in his coffin, and Alex is like, the fuck is going on? There, she runs into Elizabeth, looking elgantly ghoulish as Lady Gaga tends to do in real life anyway. Elizabeth says she saves children from neglect and Alex says that Holden wasn’t neglected, but Elizabeth might have been talking about John, who went to answer Alex’s call and she probably kept him on the line over some bullshit, which is when Elizabeth snatched him up. Elizabeth explains that Holden has a virus and if Alex has it, she can spend eternity with Holden, and then Alex pulls out a gun, but Elizabeth looks at her like she ain’t shook. Then Tristan walks in and punches the absolute shit outta Alex, who gets up like she has taken a punch before, and Elizabeth tells him to let her go, and she leaves. Tristan then wonders if Elizabeth is banging Alex, too. Oh, that’s coming, my friend.

-John goes to the bar and is like, you know what, give me a double martini, dammit,. Of course, on the night John decides to start drinking again, in walks Aileen Wournos, played by Lily Rabe, and if you don’t know, I fucking love her. She was the best part of Asylum as Sister Mary Eunice, and of course, as Misty the Stevie Nicks impersonator in Coven. Anyway, you might know Aileen Wournos from Monster, which earned Charlize Theron an Oscar for Best Actreess, and she is probably the best-known female serial killer in history. They did some good makeup work to make this happen, and Lily Rabe is fucking awesome; that hair flip is everything. Anyway, John thinks it’s a costume, while Liz is lookin’ at all this like, you dumb mufucka, and he takes Aileen up to his room. He gets knocked out and tied to a chair, but he manages to punch and subdue her, and I don’t know how it happened because he’s not very bright. He handcuffs her in the bathroom and looks at her license, which says her name, and heads down to the lobby, where he reads the names of the killers in the guest book. Liz even tells him what’s going on, and he thinks that he is gon’ arrest Aileen, but Liz is like, nah, she won’t be there. She isn’t, and he finds a bag with a suit in it on his bed as he has been invited to the party by March himself. Hmmmmmmmmm…….

-He gets to Room 78 for the party, where he finds Aileen, who apologizes and wants to sit with him, but March is a stickler and wants everyone to sit where he has them. Introductions are made, and we have Aileen, of course. There is the Zodiac Killer, who has a mask on and Richard razzes him for wearing it. John Wayne Gacy is there, played by John Carroll Lynch, who played Twisty in Freak Show, and Jeffrey Dahmer. Dahmer and Ramirez are played by actors outside of the AHS franchise, but they both do excellent jobs in their short time on screen. They were all brought together by March, who gave them tips on how to kill, but they usually went astray and that is how they got caught. Then they drink absinthe, but it only affects Lowe, because well, he is human, and he gets handcuffed to a chair. At some point, he pointed to his gun, and we all laughed. Silly mufucka, you.

-Miss Evers serves dinner and Richard starts dancing with Aileen, and it’s trippy as hell, but it works. Dahmer starts doing work on a drugged out dude because that was his thing in real life, and John goes to shoot him, but yo……they’re fuckin’ ghosts, b. Meanwhile, Dahmer has perked up after they brought him out a salad, and he obviously doesn’t eat that shit, and March pats him on the head. Man, I can’t stress how good Evan Peters is this season. By far his best performance in AHS and it isn’t even close.

-While this is going on, Sally is outside with a guy she just met, and he wants to party, so she takes him and gets him all jacked on the heroin. Little does he know, he is dessert for the killer party, in return for March letting Sally live here for another year. Also, Dahmer has drilled a hole into his victim’s head and put acid in there to make him, like a zombie and I don’t know, is this so he tastes better later? Dahmer was about that cannibal life, and I read more about him when I was younger than I care to admit. Serial killers fascinate me. I’m always curious as to what makes a mufucka just SNAP. Anyway, Miss Evers brings out all of the knives and the killers pounce on the heroin man, stabbing and stabbing and stabbing. John is freaking out, but Sally appears and convinces him it was all a hallucination because of the absinthe. She takes him away so March and ’em can finish what they’re doing, and March gives a look like he doesn’t trust John at all, which he probably shouldn’t.

-We go to Elizabeth, getting all prettied up, and then she walks int a bedroom with Alex, who has apparently decided to become a vampire. They kiss, and then Elizabeth runs her nail down her breast, and Alex takes her first drink, then re-opens her eyes. So is she a vampire now? What happened between pulling a gun out and now? I want to see her “pros and cons” list. Also, that is hopefully the last time we see Alex in a beret. Our viewing crew was quite happy to see it go, one in particular.

Ehhhhh, I’d probably put this above the Coven Halloween episode, and maybe above Freak Show, too. All those serial killers, man, that shit was like a murderers’ row, literally. So, the John theory is this: he is actually the Ten Commandments Killer, and he has done all this shit, but he blacks out for whatever reason, possibly booze, and he just hasn’t realized it yet. Why else would he be at that party? Either that, or he is going to be in training. And now, what about Scarlett? Her mother and brother are vampires, her father is either gon’ be a vampire or a serial killer, and they’re all staying at this creepy hotel? Just gon’ leave her with Grandma? I guess.

Next week, I assume we get back to the Ramona Royale revenge plot with Donovan and Iris, but fuck, it’s American Horror Story. They’ll probably had three more storylines, because American Horror Story.

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E03 – Mommy

The thing about American Horror Story is that you don’t usually know who all the major players are, and what the main storyline will be, until a few episodes into the season. The third episode of Hotel, “Mommy”, sheds a little light on John’s wife Alex, but also on the Donovan/Iris relationship and of course, we get introduced to a new character played by an old (not, like, age….she won’t track me down, dammit) favorite. Let’s go……..

-We open with Tristan, who seems like he has settled into this vampire thing, and he’s looking for March, his new homeboy. He has studied up on March, who pops up and isn’t impressed about all his information being out in these Google streets. And then Tristan tries to hit him with a high-five, and March looks at him like he’s nuts, and says, “GOOD”. You really have to see it to get the full effect. I had to hit pause, I was laughing so hard. March tells Tristan that the hotel has a bunch of hidden rooms, including the “Black Closet”, which is a dark room with a spike in it that impales a mufucka as soon as they run into the place. I’d be fine if March was the focus of the storyline and not the vampires, and maybe he will be eventually. I hope so.

-Will Drake is with Claudia and his son, taking a tour of the place when they run into Tristan. I now think that Will Drake is a descendant of Edward Mordrake from Freak Show, if they’re gon’ continue to tie seasons together. He tells Tristan that he has to leave the hotel, but he notices that the cut on his face is gone, the one Tristan made upon his retirement from the modelling business. Plans are made to tear the floor out, and Miss Evers is pressed about where she’ll clean the linens. On the low, she might be my favorite so far. She just wants a clean hotel, bruh. But Tristan said he got it, so someone gotta die.

-The kid who has the measles has gotten worse, which leads Alex to go back into her memories on being a mother. Also, I think that kid will end up at the hotel. She didn’t have the best childhood, but everything changed when Holden was born, and she admits to not even loving Scarlett that way. I was confused when she said that it was like a drug, but she kept smelling him, which I’ve heard of before. She didn’t love John as much, so when he lost Holden, whatever love she had evaporated and she gave up hope of ever finding him. She also went to a therapist and attempted to commit suicide in a tub, but John found her. The family has their own group meeting with a therapist and Alex accuses Scarlett of trying to hurt them and she’s like, dude, for real, I SEEN IT. If only John would pipe up and tell mufuckas that he saw it, but that’ll come later. Alex perks up a little when Scarlett says that he smelled like lavender, so that must have been the addictive smell.

-Claudia is in her room, tryna talk on the phone when the service cuts out, but she doesn’t think anything of it. Then she goes in the bathroom, looks in the mirror and sees a flash of Rapey McDrillbit, so what does she do? Lies on the bed and tries to go to sleep. That doesn’t work out for as Gabriel pops up from the mattress, strangles her and then stabs her to death. I’m not going anywhere I can’t use my phone, bruh. That’s a hint that something isn’t right.

-John and Malik Yoba (his name is Adam, fine, I’ll use that) are investigating a new set of murders where two writers for a gossip site have had their tongues nailed to their desks, which in biblical terms, is “Thou shall not bear false witness”. As he returns to the hotel, Gabriel pops up outta nowhere, covered in blood, and asks John to help him. Like, out of thin air. Nah, fuck yo help. I don’t care that I am a cop.

-Tristan gets into Will’s room and apologizes for the whole ordeal at the fashion show and the face-cutting thing, and says that he is clean and sober. Dogg, you’ve been hangin’ with Elizabeth, no way in shit you’re sober. Will is tryna go over the blueprints for the hotel, but Tristan is tryna eat and he seduces him to the point that he goes to bite his neck, and up pops Elizabeth with the NOAP throat-slash, telling Tristan not to do it. Tristan is like, awwwww man, and Will is like, the fuck just happened?

-John takes Gabriel to the hospital, and Gabriel basically blames everything on Sally before overdosing, then he goes to Claudia’s room, but he only finds Miss Evers,and I mean….come on, bruh. How bad of a cop are you? All of these signs, shit, Iris told you all about the place, and nothing? Then, oh AND THEN, she drops a line about the Ten Commandments and then when John handcuff and takes her to the elevator, she tries to seduce him, the lights keep flickering on and off, Rapey keeps popping up and then they both disappear. BRUH. GET THE FUCK OUT, B.

-Iris tells Donovan that she has been looking up places to live, but he’s like, nah, that ain’t happening and proceeds to tear into her, saying that everything was her fault and he hates her and he may have wished death upon her as well; he said a lot of hateful shit in there. We also learn that there was a bad breakup between Iris and Donovan’s father, and it seems like she was, well, let’s just say overbearing. Iris starts to cry, and at least once per season, you remember that, oh shit, this is Kathy fuckin’ Bates actin’ on y’all punk asses. She is good at what she does.

-Donovan feeds on a junkie to get both of his fixes at the same damn time, and then he finds someone who is having car trouble, so he’s like, cool, another meal. But then he gets tasered and guess who it is? MS BASSETT BACK! She throws him in the trunk and drives off, and I get to partyin’. I love Angela Bassett. Just everything about her; she is elegant, but reeks of “I’ll fuck your whole life up if you mess with me”.

-Alex finds John at the hotel, because why not bring your whole fucking family there. She wants him to have a drink and he’s like, nah, I’m good. She’s like, oh, you should have one because here are these divorce papers, bruh. She’s done with it all, for Scarlett’s sake, and he gets his Keith Sweat on to beg her, but she seems set in her decision. Then he drops that he is seeing weird shit and is sobbing, which of course, makes her stay. Tears can change a whole ball game, yo.

-Then it is Elizabeth’s turn to put the moves on Will Drake as she rolls into his room and he’s like, you know I’m gay, right? Elizabeth can’t be bothered with that, though….she wants that neck and says something about him dying. But even though he is gay, he tries to get it poppin’ with her before Tristan walks in and is like, yo, you JUST stopped me from doing the EXACT SAME THING. But Elizabeth’s motive is money: she got trapped in the Bernie Madoff scandal, which is, to make a long story short, a Ponzi scheme that got him convicted in sent to jail in 2009. Elizabeth lost almost all of her money and wants to get it back, which means getting Will to marry her, so she can take his money. Will Drake is in the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s a bitch to get your money taken and then killed, but then he would turn into a vampire? I guess we’ll see.

-Alex takes John to his room and finds his work on the Ten Commandments Killer, but somehow he ends up getting her back into bed, where he almost gets it in before suggesting that they have another baby and Alex is like, oh for fuck sakes. He killed that mood with the quickness and she hits him with those papers again. Cold world, dogg.

-Then she leaves the room, and runs into a bloody Claudia, who insults her clothing choices, and then she sees Holden, who calls her “Mommy”. I’m just happy for Scarlett that mufuckas might not think she is crazy anymore. But Holden is the key to John getting her back, and I don’t know how feasible that is because, well, he’s a vampire. Maybe a vampire family is in order?

-Sally gets a needle ready to give to Iris, who wants to die after what Donovan said to her, and Sally is like, I’ll do this, but dogg, you gotta leave me alone in these halls. Iris says yes, but she’ll go back on that shit in a second.

-To get rid of the heroin, Donovan is receiving dialysis from Ms. Bassett, whose name is Ramona Royale, and she explains that she was a Blaxploitation actress from the 70s; think Pam Grier (and if you don’t know who she is, for the love of God, Google her). She wanted more roles in that era, but of course, CISM. But then she meets Elizabeth and is turned into a vampire as well, and she ends up turning a rapper named Prophet Moses, which is just about the worst rap name you could ever think of. Ryan Murphy, just stay away from rap music, let Empire handle that, bruh. Anyway, Elizabeth got mad and ate all of the rapper’s entourage and then blew his head clean off, so Ramona wants revenge and thought she could use Donovan to get it, but he tells her that Elizabeth cut him off. She lets him go, but it is in the cards: Ramona and Donovan vs. Elizabeth and Tristan. Sure, I’m in for that.

-Also, this is extremely shallow, but thumbs up to Gaga and Ms. Bassett kissing. Because I’m 12 and I don’t care.

-And yes, I’ll always call her Ms. Bassett.

-Donovan goes back to the hotel and runs into Liz, who proceeds to give him shit for how he treated Iris because no matter what she did, she is his mother and no one will love him like she does, even though she did some messed-up things to try and keep him safe. Donovan realizes that he is right and goes to see her, but Sally had to put a bag over her head because apparently, Iris has a high tolerance for heroin and won’t die. Donovan slits his wrist and holds it to Iris to try and bring her back and Sally is like, well, ain’t that some poetic-justice ass shit.

I’m quite surprised on what they did with Alex’s character, because I was fully ready to not care about her, but I’m interested to see what she does now that she knows Holden is actually, well, not alive, but he is a thing. Now Donovan is dealing with Iris, then you have the vampire battle royal that is about to pop off, then March is hangin’ out with Miss Evers, Rapey McDrillbit, the Ten Commandments Killer, Scarlett…..and I bet there will be more shit added to the mix next week. If nothing else, you can’t ever say that American Horror Story is boring.