Tag Archives: Lannister

Game Of Thrones S05E01 – The Wars To Come

It seems like every break between seasons of Game Of Thrones is far too long, or the seasons are too short. But here we are and the best show on television returned triumphantly to the small screen, although a ton of people (like, damn near half the internet) got up on those leaks early. Good on ya, but I’m not doing it. I’m tryna make this season last as long as possible. Let’s go….

-We open with two little girls walking through a forest that obviously looks creepy, and come up on a hut that they just walk into like they own the place. The lead little girl is in search of a witch and she has a nasty attitude, which she punctuates with a threat to the witch as this is her father’s land, which means it’s her land. She asks the witch, who can see the future, if she’ll be queen, and if she’ll have children and the witch says she will be queen and she’ll have three children, but her husband, the king will have 20; which makes me laugh that Robb tried to marry for love and well, “The Red Wedding” happened. Anyway, we realize by the end of this scene that it is a young Cersei before jumping to the present and shoutout to Nell Williams, the young lady who played young Cersei, because she channeled Lena Headey’s cold entitlement extremely well. And also, I see that her friend’s name is Melara Heatherspoon. I wonder if we ever see her again?

-Cersei rolls up to her father’s funeral and gets a moment alone with Jaime, who is guarding Tywin’s body, and Cersei goes off on him for letting Tyrion free, which ended up getting Tywin killed. Now, she says, the Lannisters’ enemies are going to have a field day and what’s worse, Tywin loved Jaime more than anyone. And Jaime just stood there and took it because while it was mean (because Cersei doesn’t know any other way), it was all true. Cersei stays treating Jaime like dogshit, but much of it, he brought on himself because incest doesn’t pay, kids.

-Next, we’re inside of a box that is being carried, so we know we’re with Tyrion now and he spills out of the box in front of Varys, looking like he smells like actual feces (which he says he had to push out through small holes on the side of the box). Varys says that they’re in Pentos, where they are hiding out as the plan to get the Targaryens (via Daenerys) back in power completely backfired. Tyrion isn’t really tryna hear anything that Varys is saying right now, and drinks until he throws up. Yet, he keeps going. I have friends like that, I’m not a puke-and-rally guy, I puke and go straight to bed.

-Next, we’re in Meereen where the giant statue is being pulled off the Great Pyramid by the Unsullied. The soldier overseeing this, named White Rat, then goes to a brothel and it’s about 13 minutes before the first sign of nudity, which is a sign of maturity for Game Of Thrones. Then you wonder, hey, why does a guy with no private parts need to go to a brothel? Sometimes, a fella just wants his head (the one on the shoulders) stroked as you’re hummed to sleep….but sometimes, that ends in you getting your throat slit, which is what happens to White Rat. The person was masked and he was a part of the Sons of the Harpy, a group who isn’t happy with the way Dany has been doing things in Slaver’s Bay (getting rid of the slaves is probably a big part of it). She orders a public burial for White Rat, which will piss the Sons off and draw them out, and Dany is still tryna figure out how to rule, which is what she said she would do at the end of last season. Everything is so black and white with her.

-Grey Worm and Missandei have a brief chat about why an Unsullied would be at a brothel, and Grey Worm looks ashamed and scurries away. Their little relationship is cute and all, but let’s keep this way, like, one minute per episode.

-Jon Snow is at the Wall, training people that have no business fighting, while Sam and Gilly are there as well. Melisandre summons Jon to go to the top of the Wall to see Stannis, taking that same rickety-ass elevator that looks like a death trap waiting to happen. Anyway, Stannis tells him that he has to persuade Mance Rayder, leader of the Wildlings and self-professed King of the North, to bow to him and have the Wildlings join his army, or be burned at the stake. Stannis is the worst out of all the kings because he isn’t going to bully Mance into doing what he wants, and he won’t listen to anyone but Melisandre, the most dangerous sidechick in the history of television.

-Sansa and Littlefinger are watching Robin spar with another boy, who almost looks ashamed be kicking Robin’s ass so thoroughly as Robin, says Lord Yohn Royce, swings his sword like a girl with palsy. DAMN. Royce says he’ll take Robin as his ward, hence the training, but he isn’t promising anything, while Littlefinger gets a note that he hides from Sansa, who looks sadder than usual and wondering what the hell she has gotten herself into.

-At the same time, Brienne and Pod da Gawd are still wandering around, and Brienne is feeling sorry for herself because Arya didn’t wanna roll with her and when Pod tries to encourage her, she snaps at him. She gotta go easier on the Gawd. He’s just tryna help and Brienne tells him he is free to go, but where in the fuck is he going to go? Anyway, they notice a caravan of carriages roll by that just happen to have Sansa and Littlefinger inside, and he tells her he is taking her to a place where the Lannisters will never find her. Remember, Cersei thinks she was in on the plot to kill Joffrey, so Sansa ain’t safe in these streets.

-Cersei is at the after-funeral party, getting drunk of course, so you know this will end well. People are tryna offer their condolences and she can’t be bothered to even fake like she cares, just wandering through the crowd, grabbing glasses of whatever it is they drink in King’s Landing, might be Stark Blood for all we know. Anyway, she is approached by her cousin Lancel, who we haven’t seen for a couple of seasons now, and his father (Kevan) says he is a part of the Sparrows, which is basically a religious cult. She sneaks away and Lancel finds her to apologize as he was a squire for Robert Baratheon, Cersei’s late husband and even though Robert was kind of a dick to him, he kept feeding him wine, which slowed Robert down enough to be killed by a boar (Varys thinks this was on purpose). Also, he and Cersei had a mini-affair because why the hell not? Keep it in the family, I guess. But he has found God now, so he’s all good. Cersei is like, whatever, gimme another glass of the good stuff. Something tells me we’ll see him again.

-Loras Tyrell is in bed with another guy as he has been known to do, even though he was supposed to be married to Cersei at some point. Margaery walks in because fuck knocking, and tries to hurry him up as they’re supposed to meet Tommen, Cersei’s son and the new king. She also warns him to be discreet about his sexuality, but he’s like, everyone is talking anyway, what’s the point? And he doesn’t think he has to even marry Cersei anymore because Tywin isn’t around, while Margaery is stuck with Cersei as her mother-in-law if she marries Tommen. However, Margaery says, “perhaps” and nothing else. Is she plotting to kill Cersei? She’s plotting to do something, her and her grandmother, Lady Olenna, who I’m waiting to see. She’s great.

-Back to Tyrion and Varys, and Tyrion is still drinking. Varys gives Tyrion an option: either drink himself here in Pentos, or go with him to continue his mission to give Westeros their best chance of survival, which is a new ruler. That ruler? Daenerys Stormborn. Can you imagine Dany and Tyrion on the same team? He can talk to people reasonably and be rather witty when he wants to be, and if mufuckas don’t get in line, they can talk to her giant army and, oh yeah, the dragons…..well, if she can get them in line (more on that in a minute). Anyway, he says he’ll go, but only if he can drink along the way. All these Lannisters need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous.

-In Meereen, this guy is tryna explain to Dany that the people of Yunkai have at least agreed to have a council of sorts to run the city so she doesn’t have to keep going back there, but they want the fighting pits to be re-opened. The fighting pits are where slaves used to fight each other to the death, so Dany obviously isn’t ready to do that. But she gets persuaded by Daario as the two are now lovers in the worst-kept secret in Meereen, if it’s even a secret. He says that the pits are where he learned to fight, which led him to the Second Sons, which led him to her, and it would respect their traditions. He also says to her that she has to get those dragons in line because if she is the mother of dragons, but has no dragons, people will run right over her and he’s right.

-So Dany goes down into the basement where she locked up the two dragons she can even find while the other one is still out wildin’ out in the streets. She goes down into the dark with no torch or nothing, but she eventually hears the clinking of the chain and then these dragons appear, and they’re PISSED. This was the equivalent of a kid throwing a tantrum, only these kids can breathe fire and fuck up your entire life; you could see the words “FUCK YOU MOM” in the fire (which would never happen if Dany was a Black mother, but that’s another post altogether). Dany is like, NOAP, and runs out of the basement. They’re setting this up well. We’ve had three-plus seasons of hearing that Dany is the Mother of Dragons, I have confidence that she’ll sort it out. I think if she finds Drogon, the biggest one, and gets him in line, the other two will. But like Jorah said before he was exiled, they ARE dragons and listening isn’t their strong suit.

-Back at the Wall, Jon Snow goes to talk to Mance, who is still be stubborn, but he won’t kneel to Stannis, even if it means burning to death. There are a couple of times during the speech where Mance is seriously thinking about it, but he’s like, nah, I’m good. Jon is like, what about your people and Mance is like, I’m doing this for them because they respect me. Jon answers back with, what about when the White Walkers come and kill everyone that respected you, and Mance won’t back down. So what are ya gon’ do?

-Mance is led out to the pyre, where he is given one final chance by Stannis to bend his knee, but he reneges and wishes him good luck. Melisandre gives some speech about Mance being the king of lies, and she can’t wait to burn a mufucka. They tie Mance to the stake and we see Stannis’ wife and daughter watching from a balcony like it is the opera, and the burning starts. Sam and Gilly turn away, even the Wildlings are like, DAMN and you can kinda see Mance thinking, do I REALLY wanna do this? But it’s too late and shit is starting to get hot, but before it gets too much and his people see him in agony, Jon shoots him through the heart with an arrow to put him out of his misery, which will surely piss off Stannis and friends. However, Jon is one of the best fighters they have, so he’ll be fine.

That was a fantastic way to return to the Game Of Thrones world. We still need to catch up with Arya, who I think was the only major character we didn’t see. We need a little more from Jaime as he struggles with Tywin’s death and Cersei hating him. I wanna see Cersei drunkenly cuss someone out, and see what Margaery is up to. And of course, we’re just killin’ time until the incredible tag team of Dany and Tyrion get it poppin’. I’m sure there is stuff that I’m forgetting like the Theon/Ramsey stuff, too. Dem Thrones back, y’all.

Game Of Thrones S04E10 – The Children

So, here we are, the season finale of Game Of Thrones. I’ve been waiting for this all season, and they gave us like, 10 extra minutes? No introduction needed. Let’s go…..

-Jon Snow has a lot of trust in Mance’s people. Just walking up with no sword, no knives, no wolves, like shit is sweet in these Northern snowy streets, but he gets his sitdown with Don Rayder.

-They drink to Ygritte because apparently Mance has some sort of heart under there, but Jon can’t handle what Mance is drinking on. At least Mance says straight up he wouldn’t poison him, and he gives Jon’s man props for killing the last giant. There is some respect among warriors.

-Mance just wants to hide behind the Wall, and dammit, winter is coming….Mance knows all about these white walkers. Just then, a sound is made and the calvary is coming. Who is it?

-Stannis comes through with a whole bunch of mufuckas from both sides, and they are not playing games. Looks like he got the money for his army from the Iron Bank. The aerial view of them rushing Mance’s spot is amazing. I wonder what that looked like on the big screens at the movie theatres this was airing at?

-Stannis and Davos roll up on some gangsta shit like, what up Mance? And what the fuck was that one dude thinking rollin’ up on Stannis like he was gon’ do something?

-Mance doesn’t kneel for anyone, we discover. Tough guy.

-Jon introduces himself to Stannis…..he gets some mercy for Mance, who gets taken away and tells Stannis to burn all the bodies of the dead before winter comes.

-The Mountain is being kept alive by some new maester as Cersei watches, and the old maester, Pycelle, is seemingly gettin’ thrown in the bushes. Is the Mountain even worth saving? Cersei seems to think so because I’m sure she has some evil doing for him to do when he gets better. He says the process may change him; it won’t weaken him. Are we getting Robo-Mountain?

-Cersei goes to holla at Tywin about marrying Loras and she isn’t having it, but Tywin gives no fucks about what she wants. Cersei has some balls about her though. She has already lost Joffrey, her daughter has long been gone (I forgot she was even a thing) and she is getting shipped off while Tywin and Margaery fight over Tommen. Then she threatens him with the shit between her and Jaime. He has always had to know, hasn’t he? It is almost like he wants her to say it, but she does and he still denies it. This is the first time we’ve ever seen Tywin shook, that I can remember anyway.

-Cersei goes to find Jaime, who gets pissed because of the whole Tyrion thing because trying to kill your brother for causing your mother’s death isn’t a big deal, even though it wasn’t really his fault. She kisses him, so we’re about to get some incest lovin’. Hopefully it isn’t rape this time. Alex Graves directed the first rapey episode, the third joint of the season (“Breaker Of Chains“) and he gets this one as well (the fourth of the season for Mr. Graves), so maybe this is him making up for that fuckery. Damn, this is creepy.

-She tells Jaime that he told Tywin about them and Jaime is like, “the fuck?”. Her love for Jaime would be so much less disturbing if they weren’t brother and sister and he wasn’t railing her on a table.

-Dany is still getting through the list of 200-something people who want to talk to her. Some old man rolls up on her like, “Um, can I be a slave again?”. Turns out being free isn’t all it is cracked up to be for the older people. Dany is much better at conquering a city than actually ruling it. She does eventually agree to it. Then another dude rolls up with his dead baby, which was burned by one of the dragons. Dany has been so busy trying to figure out how to be a ruler that the dragons have gotten out of hand. That dragon burned the holy shit outta that three-year-old baby. She doesn’t even know where one of the dragons is. Child services about to roll up on Dany, jeez.

-She goes down to the catacombs where the other two dragons are and puts them in chains, ironically for someone who calls herself the “Breaker of Chains”. But Jorah’s bitch ass called it earlier: you can’t tame a dragon, much less three dragons. When they realize what is going on, those dragons are PISSED. Can you put dragons on timeout? How does that even work?

-They do end up burning the bodies of the Night’s Watch like Jon suggested, and we see a few faces from the battle. While the flames are burning, Jon looks through them to see Melisandre, who has some sort of sinister plans on the go, obviously. She does love her some fire.

-Jon goes to visit Thormund, who is locked up on some Akon shit. Thormund asks Jon if he loved Ygritte, who loved her because all she talked about was killing him. That’s some mufuckin’ true love right there. He also says she belongs in the north, so Jon takes Ygritte’s body there to burn her. RIP Ygritte….I’ll miss your redheaded crazy ass.

-Bran and company are walking through the snow, and Jojen looks like he is about to pass out. He eventually falls, but they make it to that damn tree they keep seeing. But that tree has some protection in the form of crazy skeleton-ass mufuckas coming up out of the ground as they approach said tree. I have no idea if this happens in the book, but I don’t care because this is fucking cool. Bran gets saved by his wolf, then goes into Hodor’s body and Hodor goes into Hodor mode, straight stylin’ on mufuckas. Meera (who I kept wanting to call Osha, who is somewhere with Rickon) is holding her own as well. One of the skeleton dudes stabs the shit outta Jojen, while two skeletons are running after Bran, but some little girl starts throwing some firebombs at mufuckas and tells them to follow her. I think we have seen her before. Meera slits Jojen’s throat so he doesn’t feel any pain and the crew follow the little girl into some cave where the skeleton things can’t pass through.

-The little girl says she is part of the Children; simple enough, right? She tells Bran that some “he” waits for him, and it turns out that he is the three-eyed raven Bran has been looking for this entire time. Jojen knew everything that was going to happen, including his death. Bran asks if he will walk again and dude is like, “Yeah, nah, but you will fly”. That seems like it’ll be something to look forward to next season. Hodor will be happy that he doesn’t have to drag around this giant kid anymore.

-Brienne wakes Pod da Gawd up to find their horses gone, and Pod just can’t get this squire thing down pat. She wanders around to find Arya practicing her sword skills, and Arya tells the Hound to stop shitting (nah, he was actually poopin’ tho) and see what is up. The Hound is like, “This better be important, I was busy”, and Brienne figures out who Arya is. She tells her the story of how she swore to Catelyn that she would bring Arya home, and the Hound thinks she is there for the bounty on him. He knows right away that the sword she has was given to her by a Lannister.

-The Hound is actually trying to protect her, which is endearing considering that they both hate each other on the low. The fight is on and I know one of my favorite characters is going to die either way because the way these two get down, someone gotta die. I’m pretty sure this doesn’t happen in the book, but again, no fucks are given. This fight ends up being a top-ten moment in Game of Thrones history to date. They fuck each other up, the Hound fights dirty, and squeezes her sword to show he is insane. He kicks her in the ass and headbutts her, and she bites his ear off. This is one of the most brutal TV fights ever, but Brienne eventually gets the upper hand and throws him off a cliff.

-Meanwhile, no one knows where Arya is, Pod has lost her because well, Pod is a terrible squire, but she hides and eventually goes to the Hound, who is asking her in a roundabout way to kill him because he is going to die anyway. He does everything he can to goad her into killing him, but Arya won’t, which is more heartless than if she had done it. He does tell her to go find Brienne because she can protect Arya’s stubborn ass. Arya says, “Nah, I’ma just rob you and be out”, but she does like she feels just a little bad for him. The stone-cold look on her face is pretty good; Arya about to be on some Kill Bill shit and I’m okay with that. I’m very conflicted about this. She should have shown him some mercy. He saved her more than a few times. But she’s well on her way to being a badass.

-Am I wrong for having the smallest inkling that the Hound survives? We don’t see him actually die, and I’ve watched enough TV to know that no one is dead until you see them die. Look at his friggin’ brother who is about to be turned into Franken-Mountain. I mean, he probably is, but I don’t think I am being crazy.

-Finally, we arrive at Tyrion’s cell, where Jaime is breaking him out with Varys’ help. The two say some quick farewells and share a hug, and Tyrion looks up the stairs, but he decides he has something to do first. He sneaks into where he thinks Tywin is, and we see his bed, but who is in it? Oh, that would be Shea. Apparently she is going to become the first hoe in history to become a housewife, by hook or by crook (that needs to be a thesis or a study of some sort). The two wrestle over a knife, which eventually gets thrown and he ends up strangling the shit outta her through his tears, and he manages to say, “I’m sorry” a couple times. Yeah, I had a good little chuckle about that. Tyrion, ever so polite…..until he sees the crossbow anyway.

-He finds Tywin in the bathroom (which seems to be a theme of this episode: if you shit, you die). Tywin tries to talk Tyrion down and guesses that it was Jaime that released him. Tywin admits he wanted Tyrion dead, but he admires that he wouldn’t die and says he wasn’t gon’ let them execute him, which is some of the biggest bullshit we’ve heard on Game of Thrones to date. Tyrion tells him that he loved Shea, but he just killed her and Tywin is like, “whatever, she was a whore”, which is the wrong thing to say to someone with a crossbow.  You gotta admire Tywin’s arrogance, he absolutely thinks that Tyrion wouldn’t kill him and all he had to do was NOT call ol’ girl a whore. But Tywin calls Shea a whore again and catches an arrow to the chest, and now he is like, “Oh shit, this is real now”. Tyrion hits him with another arrow and walks away. He gets to Varys, who is like, “The fuck did you do?”. He puts Tyrion on a box which is going on a ship to God knows where, as long as it isn’t King’s Landing, I guess. Varys hears bells ringing, which seems to be some sort of alarm because people have probably found Tywin and Shea’s bodies. He’s like, “yeah, fuck going back there, I’ma just stay on this ship, b”.

-Arya is walking along with her horse, chillin’, and she sees a ship going somewhere, but it isn’t the same shit Tyrion is on. She talks her way onto the ship finds out the ship is going to Braavos. So she is on her way again, this time by herself. Let’s see what you got, girl.

And thus wraps up the best season to date of Game Of Thrones, by a wide, wide margin. People we loved and hated (often, at the same damn time) died viciously, we got some incredible acting performances from basically the entire cast (I honestly can’t decide on an MVP, but I’m leaning towards Peter Dinklage for that speech at the trial and the finale), we still have enough to leaving asking questions about next season and many things to speculate on. I stopped reading after the third book, so I’m back to not knowing what is going on like the rest of y’all (or most of y’all). All I know is that there are some new people coming and we’ll be missing a few old faces, but they left out Sansa and Littlefinger over the last two episodes, so I figure they’ll play a major role in season 5. I assume Cersei won’t be happy about Tyrion being released by Jaime, but with Tywin out of the picture, she can do what she wants now, in theory.

Man, that was fun. I’ma miss doing this every week. Until next season, folks. Thank you so much for reading my rambles, and I’ll try to do better for season 5 of Game Of Thrones.

Before I go, I wanted to shout out the four Game Of Thrones recaps I listened to on a weekly basis: Fiyastarter, The Black Guy Who Tips, A Cast Of Kings and The Bald Move Game Of Thrones Podcast (they do have a site, I need to remember to update this link). They all do other non-GoT stuff as well and you would make your life better by checking them out.

Game Of Thrones S04E07 – Mockingbird

After a string of incredible episodes, Game Of Thrones manages to dial it back a bit with “Mockingbird”, although that isn’t to say that is a bad episode; it is just that we have been spoiled this season with at least two candidates for “Best GoT episode ever”. A ton of stuff still happens, too. Let’s go….

-We begin with Tyrion and Jaime, who is chastising his little brother for his tirade at the end of his trial as Jaime had a deal with Tywin to keep him alive. But Tyrion knew that was what Tywin wanted: Tyrion out of sight at Castle Black and Jaime at Casterly Rock continuing the Lannister name, which is why Tywin agreed to it so quickly. We also see how jealous Tyrion is of Jaime, who “could kill a king, lose a hand, fuck your sister…” and Jaime is like, “hold up now, I’m the only mufucka that still likes you, watch ya mouth”. The show is being very explicit in letting us know that people know about Jaime and Cersei, much moreso than the books, I think. It was also good when Jaime hit Tyrion with that “BRILLIANT speech…they’ll be talking about it for days”. I’m sure it felt great for Tyrion to get that off his chest and it made for a helluva speech, but the people won’t remember it for long and it would have been all for naught.

-Tyrion was really angling for Jaime to fight for him, but ol’ One-Hand McRapecest isn’t about that life anymore and after all the jokes, Tyrion realizes that. Especially as he knows who Cersei is looking at to fight for her.

-Man, The Mountain is fucking HUGE. Son kills for fun. That one dude tried to bow for mercy, and The Mountain killed him for no damn reason. The last two blows with the sword didn’t even make any sense. He doesn’t care who he fights at all. I’m not a big fan of the word, but could you be any more of a cunt, Cersei?

-The Hound and Arya roll up on a burned-down farmhouse, and they find a man who is dying of a wound to the stomach. He doesn’t seem to know the people who burned his hut down, and the Hound wonders why he hasn’t killed himself yet to end the pain; at this point, you know Hound is gon’ kill him, this old man doesn’t have the heart to do it himself. It also turns out to be a lesson for Arya as the Hound stabs the old man through the heart, so she knows where it is now.

-This comes in handy as the Hound is attacked by a man who gets his neck snapped for his troubles, although he did manage to bite Hound’s neck. The second attacker tells him the Lannisters have a price on his head for his whole “Fuck The King” steez, and all the killing, of course. He also tells them of Joffrey’s death. Arya recognizes the second attacker from when she was getting taken to the Wall, and he apparently said that he would fuck Arya bloody with a stick, so this won’t end well for him. He tells Hound his name, which gets him on Arya’s little list of death, then he gets Needle in his heart. Cold-blooded Arya reminds me of Natalie Portman in “Leon: The Professional”, which is an excellent movie if you haven’t seen it.

-Jon Snow returns to Castle Black, greeted well by his boys, but not by Allister Thorne, who continues to be a bitchass. Jon tells him and the council that he recommends sealing the tunnel at the Wall to stop the wildlings, and it is probably a good idea, but Thorne isn’t having it. All these dudes are gon’ die because Thorne is a spiteful prick. Nice. I can’t wait for Jon to kill him. That has to happen.

-Bronn is sent to Tyrion, who asks him to fight for him as he did once before, but Bronn is in a good place now. He has some new clothes, and he got hooked up with a girl who will inherit a castle when her sister dies, which Bronn says might happen by accident, because he is shady like that. This is all courtesy of Cersei, who knew Tyrion would ask Bronn, who really wants to help him, but what is in it for him? He’ll probably die fighting the Mountain, and if he somehow beats him, he’ll be fucked up OR Cersei will have him killed anyway. And really, would Tyrion risk his life for Bronn? He has already done it once; twice is asking too much. It was sad to see Bronn leave and say he wants to hear a song one day about Tyrion beating the Mountain. Bronn is a sellsword; he is in this for himself, and Tyrion has to respect that.

-Dany goes to her private quarters, where Daario is waiting with some flowers. Uh…….do you see how big that pyramid is? This mufucka is Spiderman. Basically, he tells her that he is only good at fighting and fucking, and he hasn’t done either. So Dany is like, “pull it out”, and while we don’t see it, we can be pretty sure that she gets the D. It’s good to see a woman in the place of power when it comes to sex in Game Of Thrones, which is usually getting roasted for objectifying women and being mad rapey. And I’m sure the female viewers were happy to see some Daario ass.

-Then we switch to Melisandre in the bath, because you gotta have balance and I am not arguing with this. Stannis’ wife, Selyse, comes in to have a chat and Melisandre basically admits that her magic shit is all an illusion to make people believe, but we’ve seen her birth a demon out of her vagina, so there has to be some truth to the shit. Selyse also wants to leave her daughter, Shireen, behind when they go to King’s Landing, but Melisandre says she is needed. Will Stannis be down with sacrificing his daughter? It doesn’t seem likely, but she does have a certain hold over him.

-Dario is leaving Dany’s room when Jorah walks by, and Dario is like, “gimme a pound, playa” and Jorah is like, “this mufucka….”. He obviously tells Dany that Dario can’t be trusted because he is a cockblocker (I submit “Lord Cockblocker” as a new Jorah nickname), and Dany reveals that she told Dario to take the Second Sons and go back to Yunkai to wreck shop, but Jorah recommends against this and Dany tells him to take the credit for it. She loves Jorah, but he still won’t get in those draws, no matter how good of an advisor he is.

-The Hound and Arya are chillin’, and Arya wants to burn where he was bitten so it won’t get infected, but we know how he feels about fire. He then proceeds to go off on her for getting him in trouble, even though this all could have been avoided if he had, you know, NOT KIDNAPPED HER. But he does have a soft spot for her or he would have killed her long ago, and he tells her the story of how his brother, the Mountain, burned his face for playing with one of his toys, but it hurt more because his brother did it and his father lied for him. Hound has been betrayed by the people he loves his entire life, so that is why it is hard for him to let Arya in, but he does let Arya dress his wound, which is a start.

-Brienne and POD DA GAWD continue their journey and they end up at an inn, where we see….so, when first saw dude, I knew he was familiar and I wanted to say his name was something to do with him being fat, like Fat Boy or Fatty or something. Turns out it is Hot Pie, who was last seen giving Arya a big-ass piece of bread as they parted ways, and while he goes on about his pies, Brienne tells him that they’re looking for Sansa Stark, which makes Hot Pie go, “Um, yeah, no Starks outchea in these streets”. Pod recommends that they shouldn’t be going around telling people they’re looking for someone who is accused of killing the former king and the daughter of a traitor, but then Hot Pie comes out as they’re leaving to tell them that Arya is still alive (Brienne thought she was dead) and that she is with the Hound, possibly en route to the Eryie, where crazy-ass Lysa lives. Hot Pie also wants them to give Arya a wolf-shaped bread, which I’m pretty sure was what he gave her the last time he saw her. Has he been holding on to this bread? He just keeps wolf-shaped loaves on deck? But it was nice to see Brienne trusting Pod a bit when he tells her what he knows of the Lysa situation, and it was always going to happen that they would get their buddy-cop on.

-Oberyn visits Tyrion, who has no options left, and he tells him of a story about when he visited King’s Landing as a boy and Tyrion was a baby. Cersei always hated Tyrion for killing their mother as he was born, and made him out to be some sort of freak show, and Oberyn says she pinched his penis so hard, he thought it would rip off. Tyrion knew that Cersei has always wished ill upon him, but not this much and not for this long, and he is genuinely hurt for the second episode in a row. But as he continues to tell Tyrion how badly Cersei wants him dead, Oberyn says he wants justice for his sister and her children, and the wheels are turning….who is Cersei getting to fight for her? Who does Oberyn hate the most in this world outside of the Lannisters? Yep, he’ll volunteer to fight the Mountain. Tyrion is like, “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD”….you know he did a little dance when Oberyn left.

-Sansa is hangin’ out, building a replica of Winterfell in the snow, when Robin joins her. He just wants to hurt people, like a little breastfeeding 14-year-old Joffrey-in-training. He stomps on her snowcastle and she slaps him, causing him to run off and tell his mother, which is never good, but at least Sansa stood up for herself for once. You can’t have anything around this weird little bastard. Littlefinger sees this and says he deserves it, and then when she asks him why he killed Joffrey, Littlefinger goes on some spiel about how much he loved her mother and he could have been her father, but since he isn’t, he’ll try to put the moves on her since she is hotter than Catelyn ever was. Littlefinger is taking the creep factor to a whole new level, and that is saying something in Game Of Thrones. So, he kisses her, but guess who sees it?

-Lysa calls Sansa to her chambers, and Sansa tries to apologize for slapping Robin, but Lysa gives no fucks about that. All she knows is that young hussy is outchea tryna steal her man, and she flips the fuck out, grabbing Sansa and threatening to throw her down the moon door. But Littlefinger steps in to stop it, and soothingly gets Lysa to step back from the ledge; he’ll send Sansa away and everything. That gets Lysa to drop her guard, and then you see it coming from a mile away: Littlefinger says that he has only loved one woman and Lysa thought he was gon’ say her. NOAP….it was Catelyn, and then out the moon door Lysa goes.

Overall, “Mockingbird” was a solid episode, but it was a little too obvious for me, and not because I’ve read the book: I have an awful memory and don’t remember 97% of it. But you saw the whole Oberyn thing coming, as well as the Lysa thing. It is only because all of it was so well-acted that it gets a pass, especially Pedro Pascal, who has balled out as Oberyn this season. He has stolen almost every scene he has been in and has more than held his own with the likes of Peter Dinklage, Lena Headley and Charles Dance. Hell, a subpar episode of this season still gets like, an 8.4 outta 10 or something, so calm down.

No Game Of Thrones next week because of a holiday, so I’ll be back in a couple weeks with the beginning of the three-episode homestretch, and you should get ready, because shit is about to go down.


Game Of Thrones S04E01 – Two Swords

Game Of Thrones is back in the house. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, food tastes better. TV’s best show came back with a vengeance with “Two Swords”, and it was just wonderful. But before we get on it, I just gotta say, shoutout to the Entertainment Weekly recap, along with the Instant Cast done by the boys at Bald Move. I needed a little help with names and stuff. They’re great.

Oh, and one more thing: I’ve read the first three books of the series, which go up to the end of this season. But I won’t be talking bout the books at all because I have a horrible memory, so I will never pull out some spoiler fuckery. That isn’t how I roll.

Let’s gooooooooooooooooooooooooooo………….

-“Two Swords” opens with Tywin Lannister being insanely menacing, and he enlists a blacksmith to melt down a sword into two smaller swords. I thought I recognized this giant sword from somewhere, and yep, it was Ned Stark’s, who obviously wouldn’t be needing it anymore. He also throws a fur on the fire, and I’m going to guess that is Robb’s after what happened at the Red Wedding, but I’m not sure. Anyway, the sword, named “Ice”, is being made into two, one for the returned Kingslayer, Jaime, and one for King Joffrey.

-Tywin tries to give Jamie the sword, but there is a catch: Jaime has to go to Casterly Rock and run that. Jaime is like, “Nah, that’s not for me”. He thinks two things: one, he still belongs in the Kingsguard and two, Tywin was giving him an option, when it really was an order. Tywin was like, “Word? Well, looks like you’re not a Lannister anymore”. No one has ever stood up to Tywin like that; Cersei tried and got turned into an alcoholic mess (along with other reasons).

-Next, Tyrion Lannister is chillin’ with the homie Podrick (remember him from last season? It seems like he messed with those prostitutes so good they gave Tyrion his money back? POD DA GAWD). Bronn, Tyrion’s bodyguard, is also there and the trio are waiting for Prince Doran to show up, but instead they get Prince Oberyn Martell as Doran has the gout. Oberyn is a hothead in some sort of relationship with Ellaria Sand, and the two head to a brothel for some entertainment. We get our first gratuitous nudity of the season. Everyone cheers.

-Then the script gets flipped with the quickness as Oberyn hears a Lannister man singing the “Rains Of Castamere”, which is the Lannister anthem of sorts, and you also heard it at the Red Wedding as well as the beginning of this episode. When you hear it, usually something is about to happen. Anyway, after a quick confrontation, the Lannister man ends up with a knife through his hand. Tyrion walks in on this and asks Oberyn to walk with him and explain why he is in King’s Landing. The EW recap does an excellent job of dumbing it out, so here is the even quicker version: Oberyn’s sister was married to the son of the Mad King, Aerys Targaryen, who was overthrown by Tywin, Ned and Robert Baratheon (dude who was married to Cersei, Joffrey’s “father”), and killed by Jaime. Oberyn’s sister was raped and killed during the siege, along with her children. So yeah, he’s pissed and he tells Tyrion to tell Tywin he is there. Dude has a set on him, that is for sure.

-Next, we switch to the homegirl Daenerys Targaryen (STORMBORN GANG, WHAT UP), who is watching two of her dragons play in the sky while the other has its head on her lap. The two are playing with a carcass, which drops in front of the one on Dany’s lap (Drogon), and she tries to touch him while he is eating. He shrieks at her and then flies away. Simpin’ ass Jorah watches this go down and tells Dany that they can’t be tamed, even by their mother. But I mean, who likes to be touched while eating?

-Dany heads back to her Unsullied army and she wants to roll out, but she is missing Grey Worm and Daario Naharis, who are competing to see who can hold their arms out the longest, because they’re really fucking bored at this point I would think. But I was confused because last year, Daario was this Fabio-looking dude with a blond ponytail. Now he’s just some regular-looking white dude. Fabio was good for these jokes. This guy? Ehhhhhhh. I’m sure he’ll be fine, though. As long as he does some good killin’.

-Back at King’s Landing, Sansa is red-eyed as shit. Hearing that your brother and mother have been slaughtered will do that to you. It sucks because I always shit on Sansa, but this time, she deserves to be sad. Oh yeah, the hit was ordered by her father-in-law, Tywin, since she is married to Tyrion. So, she obviously wants no part of him. Tyrion goes back to his room, where Shae is waiting. Shae tries to get Tyrion to have sex, but he just isn’t in the mood; dude has a lot of his mind. Shae is breaking all sorts of “side chick” rules, especially since she is working for Sansa.

-Cersei and Jaime meet up, and Jaime is getting a golden hand. I want one, but without having to get my real hand cut off. Cersei chides Jaime for being gone too long and she feels like he can’t protect her anymore, which is some ignorant-ass shit. HE LOST HIS FUCKING HAND. Cersei is just awful. And now she drinks entirely too much, which is saying something on Game Of Thrones. But I could do without them having sex anymore since, you know, they’re twins.

-Head to The Wall, where Ygritte is chillin’ with her arrows, of which she is down a few after pumping them into Jon Snow. They run into the Thenns, who are apparently cannibals. These guys are new, and they’re down with the Wildlings’ plan to attack Castle Black, but they will fuck around and eat them if need be. The leader, Styr, is intimidating as hell.

-Meanwhile, at Castle Black, Jon has been nursed back to health by his homies in the Night’s Watch, including Samwell Tarly’s big, goofy ass. He finds out about the Red Wedding and tells Sam he was jealous of Robb, and Sam tells Jon he was jealous of him, so it’s all good. Jon has to tell a panel of three (they’re older characters, kind of important, but not crazy important) why he went to the Wildlings’ side, and why he had to kill Qhorin Halfhand, who actually told Jon to do it. Jon also tells them the Wildlings are coming to get them, so the panel (well, one of them anyway) lets Jon live because they have much bigger issues to deal with.

-Back at King’s Landing, we get our first real look at Joffrey, who is giving Jaime the business for not being there. It’s funny to think that Jaime is his pops and Joffrey is all incested up, which explains why he is the way he is. We also see Brienne for the first time, and she wants Jaime to keep his promise to protect the Stark girls, but he says Arya is dead and Sansa is Tyrion’s to worry about. There is the old Jaime we know. Meanwhile, Sansa is moping, but she runs into a dude that she saved from Joffrey in season 2, and he is hammered. He gives her a family necklace, and you can kind of see Sansa coming around, as much as she can anyway.

-Prior to this, Sansa and Tyrion have, what I think, is the best scene of the episode outside of the final scene. Tyrion basically apologizes for the Red Wedding, but that Sansa has to snap out of it; that is what her mother, Catelyn, would have wanted. Sansa says that she just wants to go to a place where no one talks to her. I can respect the hell out of that. She has been through a lot.

-Daario gives Dany a blue flower from Meereen, which is her next target. I really have no idea how this Daario is gon’ work out. But they roll up on Meereen, and are greeted with a dead slave hung on a cross. There is one for every kilometer left to Meereen, and Dany says she wants to see every one of them en route to the city. That’s right, piss off the girl with the big-ass dragons. That’ll work out well.

-Finally, we get to Arya and the Hound, and Arya is obviously none too pleased about the Red Wedding, but at least she is alive. The Hound is trying to take Arya to her aunt Lysa, the one who had Tyrion locked up and has the breastfeeding 10-year-old. They roll up on a tavern and Arya recognizes a man as one who killed her friend and stole her sword, Needle, which Jon had given to her. Dude’s name is Polliver, and he doesn’t recognize Arya, but he recognizes the Hound. Polliver and his people are down with Joffrey, but the Hound says “fuck the King”, and tells Polliver that he is taking a chicken (which gets bumped up to two chickens) from the tavern. Then he drinks Polliver’s beer while Polliver is talking shit, so you know it’s about to go down. The Hound starts fuckin’ these dudes up as he does, while Arya grabs Needle. Polliver is on the ground, and Arya stands over him. She repeats what he said before he killed her friend, and then pushes her sword through his throat. Finally, a Stark wins something! Not only did she kill someone who wronged her, but Arya also got her own horse now and she has Needle back. She has to be doing some internal partyin’.

A solid start to season 4 of Game Of Thrones. It basically was a reminder of what happened at the end of last season and where we are headed for this season. We didn’t get to see Theon being tortured, or Stannis, Melisandre and the killing shadow thing, or Bran, either, so they’ll probably be in the house next week. I also missed a conversation between Joffrey’s bride-to-be and Brienne. My bad. A LOT happened in this episode.

Man, did I ever miss Game Of Thrones. I forgot how much I did until the opening credits. Holla.