Tag Archives: Lily Rabe

American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare – Chapter 10

The sixth season of American Horror Story came to an end last night with arguably the best finale of the bunch. Was it enough to launch it to the top of the AHS pantheon? Let’s go….

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-Let’s start with the Crack’d series that was a look back at the whole story, starting with the My Roanoke Nightmare cast at Paleyfest, signing autographs, answering questions, all that, taking place before everyone went back to the house. A girl even flew over to the States from England to go to this place, which shows how big My Roanoke Nightmare really was, and this whole season has been about our fascination with reality television. Hell, we put….actually, I’m not gon’ get into politics right now, just know that this fascination is fucked. It was good to see everyone in the cast one final time before everyone had their shit rocked.

-Then it moved on to Lee’s murder trial, and she still manages to get off despite the tapes, people seeing the tapes, and Flora being put on the stand because the jury boiled all this down to “ghost stories”. A statement on how fucked the justice system is? Probably. But you gotta remember that Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk were also behind American Crime Story: The People Vs. OJ Simpson, which got all the acclaim and I still need to see it. But, it makes sense it would look back at the trial and how the hell Lee got off, but she didn’t really, because she lost Flora, who admitted that she saw Lee kill her ex-husband. But it was Lee that told her lawyer to bring up the ghost stories, because Lee ain’t shit. But she got off, so I guess that’s a win.

-Next, it’s a look at The Lana Winters Show, bringing back one of the main characters from Season 2’s Asylum. It also gives me a chance to heap more praise on Sarah Paulson, because the Fake Shelby character was hot garbage. She brings Lee on the show to tell her side, and Lee fires back that Lana killed her son, Bloody Face, or Bloody Face 2, I don’t know, it was a long time ago and I actually hate Asylum, but that’s for another day. But they’re interrupted by gunfire as Lot Polk, who made a YouTube video earlier in the episode threatening Lee. He’s mad because she killed his mother and brother, I believe, and he appears at the show with a machine gun. Lana tries to reason with him, saying the world needs to hear his story, and gets greeted with a gunbutt to the face for her troubles because as Lot says, she talks too much. He is about to kill Lee, but he is shot by the cops. Lee runs out because before this, Lana confronted her with the news that Flora had disappeared. So Lee runs out, and I’m wondering where the hell the cops were through all this. But the cops ain’t been shit this season on AHS at all, so it’s not surprising.

-Moving on to the next show, Spirit Chasers, which is basically three people chasing ghosts. So of course, they go to the Roanoke house, during the blood, and they’re trespassing because they’re badass. It’ll be so good when they die at the hands of the Butcher, her people and YOOOOOO……DID THE MOON SHOOT ARROWS AT PEOPLE? HAHAHAHAHA WHAT WAS THAT? They also got Ashley/Cricket, the spirit guy from earlier in the season, and they all go through the house, where they run into Lee, who still isn’t being followed by the cops. Lee kinda goes into a trance, but she doesn’t even kill anyone, instead she warns them to get out. But them, being badass frat boys, they think they is cool, until Ashley/Cricket gets cut in the chest by Piggy Man. That’s what it took for them to realize that shit ain’t a game, and one by one, they all die. Good for them. Those shows are such hot garbage.

-Lee eventually finds Flora, who has been runnin’ around with her little ghost friend, Priscilla, for two weeks in the woods. Lee wants Flora to come with her and she’s like, NOAP, I’ma stay here and protect Priscilla from the Butcher, because that’s a great plan. However, Lee comes up with a solution, she’ll kill herself and stay with Priscilla to protect her because her relationship with Flora is essentially done, so she might as well try to salvage something. Flora asks Priscilla if it’s okay and she agrees because why the hell not. By this time, the cops and the news have arrived and it’s a big to-do, because nothing happens in the world without TV cameras now (MESSAGE). There is an explosion and Flora walks out the house like nothing happened, and Lee lets Priscilla shoot her in the chest. Flora waves to them as she is driven away, and that’s the end of that.

HAHAHAHAHA DAMMIT I WAS RIGHT, Y’ALL. I said Flora would be the last person standing and while I totally wavered a bit, I was right because if you make enough guesses, you gotta be right at some point. But from start to finish, this might be my favorite season of AHS, definitely the best sine Season 1’s Murder House. Coven was always up there until that fuckery of a finale, and every other series had its moments. But this was consistent, full of garbage and trash, it was campy, it was kinda sweet…..it was pretty good. MVP of the season was…..hmmmm, I dunno, probably Lily Rabe as Real Shelby. She was deadass messed up from killing Real Matt, and that scene was excellent. Second was probably Kathy Bates, shitty accent and all, and I’m on board now….she gotta have an accent every season. A shitty one, too.

I think there is a trailer out for Season 7, or a picture or something, but I’m not dealing with that yet, there is all kinds of time to go over that. But you can tell that the next few seasons of AHS will be even more intertwined going forward, so I might need to do some rewatches of past seasons, particularly Asylum, which I’ve been saying months and probably still won’t do. But that was a fun season of American Horror Story, and I’ll leave you with the AHS Pantheon Power Rankings.

  1. Murder House
  2. My Roanoke Nightmare
  3. Coven
  4. Freak Show
  5. Hotel
  6. Asylum

 

American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare – Chapter 7

Chapter 7 of American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare was the best episode of the season, and for me, it’s a top-five episode in the annals of AHS history. I’m not gon’ go back and give you my top five, because I’m lazy, but rest assured, it’s in there. Let’s go….

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-It opens with Sidney and his crew, sitting inside their production trailer and when one is like, yo, where is Diana, Sidney is like, pssssh, we don’t need her…..there is no way in hell she is hacked up somewhere. One goes outside and doesn’t come back, so Sidney goes outside and finds her with her insides hanging out, so what does he do? Not call for an ambulance, he yells at ya man inside to bring the camera. This dude is a Grade-AAAAA1111 asshole, b. But he gets his as Agnes’ crazy ass pops up behind him with a cleaver and guts him, and then chases down the cameraman and gets him, too. I know Sidney has you trained to hold the camera, dogg, but when you see him sprawled out lookin’ like an extra from Alien, sometimes you gotta cut ya losses, throw the camera at Agnes and run faster than her. Then, the best part, where Agnes goes back to her lair with her own camera, because fuck y’all, I’ma make my own show, and she felt bad for the slightest of minutes because the girl she killed was nice to her on set. But then she starts laughing and ranting again, and yeah, this might be Kathy Bates’ best AHS yet. This whole episode is an Emmy scene for her. She is legitimately insane. This is basically a cosplay gone terribly, terribly wrong. Oh, and how could I forget that the power went out, came back on and she was surrounded by those creepy doll figures?

-Back at the house, Fake Lee comes downstairs with her flask and Real Lee is like, yo, it’s 6 AM, dogg, you’re drinking already? Listen, Real Lee, I get it, alcoholism is bad, m’kay. But you have WAY bigger fish to fry right now, like tryna figure out what happened to Rory. Everyone thinks that the blood found in the closet where Rory/Fake Edward Mott was killed by the Killing Sisters is a prank by Sidney, which to be fair, it very well coud have been, but Audrey thinks it’s a cover-up so Rory could go to his screen test with Brad Pitt he was talkin’ about in the last episode. Meanwhile, the Real Shelby/Real Matt/Fake Matt triangle is heating up as Real Matt walks in on the two of them and is like, I don’t even care if you fuck her, just stay outta my way……and you hear a faint “JERRY! JERRY!” chant from the background. Then Fake Matt finds himself to the confessional area and tells us what we all know: that he is there to ruin everyone’s life at Sidney’s behest. Because, ratings. Wonder what the rating system is in hell?

-Shelby is in the bedroom, staring at the camera and notices there is blood on it, and there is Agnes, behind her with a cleaver, and she gets her in the shoulder/neck area. She’s about to deliver the death blow as Fake Matt comes outta nowhere to save Real Shelby, and it takes a bit longer to overpower Agnes, but he does and tends to Real Shelby. But then they notice that Agnes’ body has disappeared. So, everyone meets in the bedroom and Fake Shelby is treating Real Shelby’s wounds because she did play a nurse once. Meanwhile, all the phone lines have been cut and Fake Matt yells into the camera for Sidney to send help, but that ain’t happening and to be real, Sidney wouldn’t send the help anyway. So they split up, with Real and Fake Lee going to get help with Fake Shelby, while Real Shelby stakes with Real and Fake Matt. I think I would have split up the two Matts, but I mean, it REALLY doesn’t matter because everyone is dying. The three women head down to the secret passage to get out, but they run into the Real ghost of Edward Mott, who doesn’t go down from the shots he takes from Real Lee’s gun. Everyone else looked at her sideways when she pulled it out, and I’m like, she’s the realest one here, I don’t care if she is accused of killing her ex-husband. If I’m going back to a house like that, I want her on my side. Anyway, Real Edward Mott screams at ’em and they run back.

-The house crew are inside, talkin’ about their feelings and shit, and I don’t care. Let’s stay with the women, who are outside wandering around in the woods when they’re surrounded by people with torches, which is never good, and they do a terrible job at hiding, like three of ’em behind one tree. Fake Shelby goes through this terrible confession to Fake Edward for when he finds it, but they find him instead as Rory is hanging up in the tree over them, iron-cross style, and like, the blood is dripping on Fake Shelby’s head. I laughed. Way harder than I should have, too. Meanwhile, in the house, more feelings, and Agnes is in her cave, pulling out bullets out of her shoulder with a pair of cauterized pliers. Where did the bullet come from? Well, before they found Fake Edward, the women found the trailer, where Sidney and his crew were laid the fuck out and Agnes rolled up on ’em, so Real Lee shot her. She might be the new favorite for the lone survivor. Maybe.

-Back at the house, shit picks up as Real Matt wakes up in a trance and heads to the basement, and Fake Matt follows him, sees some shit and then goes to wake up Real Shelby. They wander in to find Real Matt givin’ the business to the Witch, aka Scathach, aka Lady Gaga, and Real Shelby starts goin’ HAM, and she ends up beating Real Matt to death after he says that he didn’t come back to the house for her, but for the Witch. So that is, what, three head-bashings we’ve seen this week? But this didn’t shock me, because this is kinda what AHS does. Shouldn’t have shocked people in The Walking Dead, either, but that’s a whole ‘nother thing. AHS watches TWD while eating french fries like, pass the most blood-reddest of ketchup, please. Amateurs. And yo…..where did the Witch go? She didn’t die, did she? Shit was moving pretty quickly at this point.

-Then we get to the real as the trio of women were caught by the torch people, who we find out to be the Real Polk family, which I realized because it wasn’t Frances Conroy. But, one of the Real Polk sons was Finn Wittrock, or so the internet says because I didn’t recognize him. Or maybe I did, but I was so enthralled that this mufuckin’ group of hillbillies have tasers, cigarettes and cocaine…..who…….what? They do mention that the cops don’t even fuck with ’em, which we figured when Fake Lee got dropped off by the cops and they left, but what kinda Charlie Sheen shit is this? They have the women tied up, and they decide that they’re gon’ cut pieces out of Real Lee’s leg, and then feed it to the other women, and they eat it or they’ll die. And they do, and they cry, and it’s kinda hilarious.

-Back at the house, Lily Rabe puts down her Emmy scene as she has no idea what to do after killing Real Matt, and she is damn near hysterical, not being able to breath, tryna figure out how to get outta this until Fake Matt reminds her that there are cameras everywhere. This is easily her best AHS run since Asylum (she was the only reason to watch that season), and she hasn’t been used correctly since then. And y’all know I love me some Sarah Paulson, but yeah, Lily got her this season, I think, just because I really don’t like Fake Shelby as a character. Yellin’ at Real Lee for having a gun…..where the fuck do you think we are? Although her line about not being American and used to this violence was pretty good. Anyway, Lily was beastin’. And shoutout to Cuba Gooding Jr., playing the asshole role to a tee.

-We end with Real Shelby and Fake Matt going to the window and seeing more people with torches, and Agnes….and the Real Butcher, who is none too happy about Agnes runnin’ with her name in these streets. So, Agnes gets the cleaver straight down Forehead Street. So that ends that.

That was a lot of killin’, but my Flora pick is still on the table for the lone survivor, although Real Lee is up there now. I doubt Fake Audrey and Fake Lee get outta this, and if I had to put money on it, Real Shelby and Fake Matt are gettin’ it, too. Again, best episode of the season and I doubt it’ll get any better, but with three episodes left, American Horror Story is right on track to get me excited for the finale, only to be let down…….again.

 

American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare – Chapter 6

Aye….so the recaps are back, stuff has been kinda hectic around these parts with moving across the country, and getting used to Atlantic time again. American Horror Story airs at like, 11 PM, so needless to say, I’ll be watching it on Thursday morning. Anyway, Chapter 6 was billed as this big twist that would shake up this season, and it did, giving us the worst fight in the history of AHS. Let’s go…….

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-Oh, before I start, I assume if you’re reading this, you’ve seen all the episodes. Two things: it took me at least two episodes to figure out that it was Lady Gaga playing ol’ girl that Matt was having sex with (but not remembering), and I wonder when she’ll be back. Then, the worst part of the first five episodes was when Incest Mom banged Shelby’s ankle with, like, a crowbar or some blunt object. That shit looked like it HURT.

-We learn right off the bat that My Roanoke Nightmare beat out Sunday Night Football, The Walking Dead and Empire in terms of viewers. First, SNF ratings are down this year and this still wouldn’t beat it. It’s definitely not beating The Walking Dead and Empire, maybe, but it’s not even on Sunday night. It comes on Wednesdays, same night as AHS, and y’all ain’t that good, so don’t throw stones. For whatever reason, for all the fuckery that this episode contained, that bothered me the most.

-That was a boost to Sidney, the producer who is played by Cheyenne Jackson, who was Will Drake last year in Hotel. He rolled up on the execs and pitched a new series: take everyone back to the Roanoke house, the real people AND the re-enactment actors, and film them over the blood-moon period, which is when shit was supposed to go crazy there. Sidney even bought the house from Matt and Shelby for cheap, so they have that, and the execs give ’em 13 episodes. But then Sidney’s assistant, Diana tells him that Shelby won’t participate. Geez, I wonder why? I wonder which part she picked to tell Diana that shit wasn’t going down?

-Turns out that the reason is because Shelby and Matt are now separated, and she had a thing with Dominic, Cuba Gooding Jr., who played Fake Matt. Shelby said that she’ll only do it if Dominic isn’t involved because she wants to get back with Matt and Sidney agrees, but yeah, we all know Dominic is gon’ be there. Within five minutes of meeting him, we know that Sidney is a piece of actual feces.

-The crew goes to the house, where Sidney has rigged up a buncha props to scare everyone and Diana is skeptical, to say the least. I’m a Diana fan right off the bat, which means something is gon’ happen to her. Sidney tries to tell her that the plan for all this is to find out who really killed Mason, Lee’s (Matt’s sister) ex-husband, but Diana knows he doesn’t care. Then the crew finds baby pig fetuses in a circle behind a tree and Sidney says that it is the Polks, the incest family, but they haven’t been seen in weeks apparently. That’s when Diana is like, “yo, we need to get the fuck outta here, b” and Sidney is all, “NAH, it’ll be fine”. It sure will be. Baby pig fetuses (fetusi?) in a perfect circle are completely normal. Goddamn, I want him to die so bad.

-Sidney goes to interview Agnes, aka Fake Butcher, played by Kathy Bates. Apparently, she went crazy and was caught swinging machetes at people and was admitted into a hospital, and Sidney serves her with a restraining order, to which she says, “how can I be on the show if I can’t go near anyone?”. Shit was heartbreaking. Sidney is like, “You’re not ON the show”, and Diana is like, “You know that little restraining order ain’t gon’ stop her, right?”. This is as Agnes is yelling at them like the Butcher. Yeah, we’ll see her again, yelling in terrible accents. Just let Ms. Bates talk in her own voice, bruh.

-Next up is Lee, Real Lee, played by Adina Porter. She wants people to know that she didn’t kill Mason as everyone thinks, so they have her back. However, the issue is more with Fake Lee, whose name is Monet and played by Angela Bassett (who also directed this episode). Monet is an actual alcoholic and the production is legally liable if she does anything, but I’m pretty sure Sidney doesn’t really care about rules. If I’m not mistaken, he might have even smiled as he gave the restraining order to Agnes knowing she’s gon’ wild out. That’s good for ratings because….well, that’s a whole societal thing that I could spend 5,000 words on. Anyway, I’ve never seen UnREAL and I’ve heard it’s great, but from what I’ve gathered, it’s about a reality-tv producer drumming up drama. Yeah dogg, that’s Sidney. He is also the girl from the original Blair Witch joint, who keeps wanting to get more footage and more footage and more footage until everyone is dead. Mmmmmmhhhhmmmmmmm.

-At the house, Sidney and Diana are shown a video of a cast member who has a chainsaw, and it looks like he is being forced to cut his own head off by something. Diana is like, “man, we gotta shut shit down”, and Sidney is like, “nah, we’re good”. Diana finally blows up and gets the hell outta dodge (shoutout to Sidney turning to the cameraman and saying, “did you get that?”), and then films her testimony in a dash cam, and that’s when I knew it was about to go down. She sees what looks like a colonist in the middle of the road, which the camera picks up, but when she turns it around, the Piggy Man is behind her and he promptly kills her. It is then revealed that the police found the footage three months later and her body was never found. Oh yeah, we’ll see that again.

-Next up is Audrey, aka Fake Shelby, played by Sarah Paulson and of course, she has a British accent, which is all the rage in television. There are at least two British (or part-British) people on TWD, Andrew Lincoln (Rick) and Lauren Cohen (Maggie). Firing more shots? Ryan Murphy gettin’ bold as shit, although I might have made that last part up. Anyway, she gets interviewed and is interrupted by Rory, who played Edward, the original owner of the house and played by Evan Peters….again, British. I have a love-hate relationship with Evan Peters in this show, but I fucked with him in Hotel and he’s kinda hilarious here. Rory and Audrey are married now, so that’s out, but then he has to go back to Los Angeles for work. Before he leaves, he sees Agnes, dressed as The Butcher, and she Agnes has apparently been stalking Audrey and yells about a Saturn Award, which Audrey got, but Anges felt she deserved. This is what Sarah Paulson should do for all the Emmys she had stolen for her for AHS, but shoutout to her for finally winning for The People Vs. OJ. She’s basically my acting version of Kanye West: she could do literally anything and I’ma stan for that shit with all my might. Hence, the picture on this recap. It has nothing to do with anything. She’s just great. So don’t even bother coming at me. AND NOW SHE’S DOING AN ACCENT, BRUH.

-Audrey wants to leave, but Shelby gets her to stay and then Lee and Matt, the real ones, show up. Matt and Shelby argue, which means Sidney is happy, and he gives them all phones that just have cameras, so they feel isolated and they can film whatever weird shit he sees in there. Audrey, Rory and Monet all think the real Millers are crazy, but Matt tells them that the blood moon is coming up, so get ready to see some shit. Then we learn, and I assume this is what we’ll see over the next few episodes, that everyone died over the next three days that the moon was out, except for one. We don’t know who that one person is yet, and the show that Sidney planned never made it to the air, we’re just seeing the found footage because if you’re gon’ go full-on Blair Witch (which scared the shit outta me when it came out), might as well, right? All I know is that I hope the one person is Sidney, but right now, my money is on Flora, Lee’s kid. She ain’t in this episode, but we’ll see her….unless AHS just throws characters in the bushes, which they’ve been known to do.

-Oh, I think I forgot to mention earlier that Lee was walking through the house, and she felt something, but didn’t see anything: it was a burned-up man, who is Mason, apparently, so that has to be dealt with.

-Finally, Shelby tries to get back with Matt, who is sleeping in the basement and fuck everything about that. Dominic shows up, Matt attacks him and the two proceed to have, hands down, the worst fight in the history of AHS. At one point, one of them rolls on the other and there is a sleeperhold being attempted, and I had to pause it, I was laughing so hard. They’re broken up, Rory comes running out of the hot tub in his drawls as he was tryna get it in with Audrey, who decides it’s time for a shower. Monet argues with Lee that her method acting for her Lee portrayal turned her into an alcoholic, which is a bit of a stretch. Audrey gets outta the shower and she starts to wipe steam off the mirror, and she sees the Piggy Man, of course. She screams, runs downstairs, Rory goes up to investigate and starts cussing out Sidney, but he is stabbed to death by the Jane sisters, the ones who killed their patients to spell out “MURDER” on the wall. Matt finds the “MURDER” and captures it. And that is that.

The first thing I thought after Chapter 5 was like, that shit ended WAY too happily, so everything is about to go south for these people. Turns out everyone dies anyway, so my theory of everyone being ghosts is still kinda on the table. Yeah, this shit should have never left that boardroom where the execs gave Sidney 13 episodes, but money talks as Sidney broke down how much they’d get from ad revenue. And besides, most television shows are based on terrible decision-making. AHS is going for the gusto now and Wiki only has four more episodes listed (shoutout to the AHS Wikia), so try and keep up because it’s about to get wild.

 

 

 

American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare – Chapter 1

Yoooooooooooo……welcome back, folks. It has been a while since the last recap, which I completely skipped for Hotel because let’s all be honest: that shit petered off near the end. I still haven’t watched the finale, but I read about it and it didn’t sound great. Anyway, we’re on to Season 6 of American Horror Story, which they’ve kept under wraps. All the teasers they’ve thrown out there, apparently some were real, and some were decoys because why the hell not? But we got the premiere last night, and the season will involve the lost colony of Roanoke, in North Carolina. The Googles were on FIRE with people tryna figure out what the hell it was after the episode. Let’s gooooooooooooooo…

-Had to do shit different for this recap because my PVR didn’t record the episode, so I couldn’t watch it again, so I’m going off the EW recap and a little bit of Wikipedia)

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-So, here, I’ma jack something from the EW recap that absolutely blew my mind. Here goes:

It’s difficult to banish a spirit, but not impossible. The most successful attempt that I know of happened when America was known as the New World In 1590, on the coast of what we now know as North Carolina, the entire colony of Roanoke — all 117 men, women, and children — died inexplicably. It became known as the Ghost Colony because the spirits remained. They haunted the native tribes living in the surrounding area, killing indiscriminately. The elder knew he had to act. He cast a banishment curse. First, he collected the personal belongings of all the dead colonists. Then he burned them. The ghosts appeared, summoned by their talismans. But before the spirits could cause them any more harm, the elder completed the curse that would banish the ghosts forever. By uttering a single world the same word found carved on a post at the abandoned colony: Croatoan.”

This, my friends, was from Season 1, which was Murder House, and it was spoken by Billie Dean Howard, a medium played by Sarah Paulson, who also came back at the end of Hotel. So they teased this shit all the way back in Season 1…..well done, Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk, well done.

-This story starts as a true-crime documentary of sorts, called “My Roanoke Nightmare”, with a couple named Shelby and Matt telling their story of a move from Los Angeles to Roanoke, which was caused by Matt being attacked via a game of knockout, where a dude ran up on him and hit him with that one-hitter quitter as part of a gang initiation. It put Matt in the hospital and he was unconscious until Shelby held his hand, and that brought him around, but she ended up losing their unborn child. The story goes between the actual couple, played by my homegirl, Lily Rabe and Andre Holland, who is new to the AHS universe, but apparently he is in The Knick as well (I got through, literally, five minutes of The Knick and was like, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP. If you’ve watched it, you know what scene I’m talkin’ about). For the reenactment part of the story, those characters are played by Paulson and Cuba Gooding Jr., who is also new to AHS, but he and Paulson were both in American Crime Story, which was about the OJ Simpson trial…..Murphy and Falchuk are also involved in that, so FX is keeping it all in the family, which will likely be some sort of theme in this series as well.

-Anyway, they move to North Carolina and aim to buy this house in the country, but they’re up against three of the most hillbilliest-ass dudes you’ve ever seen. They compete in this auction, in which the bid goes from $27,000 to $40,000 and the hillbillies bow up, but you gotta know that these dudes aren’t taking this shit lightly. Throw in the fact that Shelby and Matt are an interracial couple and yeah…..you should know how this is about to go. And yo……where were these hillbillies getting $25,000 to start with? I doubt they have jobs. I’m surprised they have teeth. We know one of ’em does. Mufucka’s teeth juttin’ out the side of his mouth.

-So then, we have various things going on as the couple is renovating their house. There are screams from what sound like a pig, and Matt gets a trash can thrown at him when he goes out to investigate. Then he goes somewhere and a mysterious storm starts, and while it looks like hail, Shelby tries to tell him that they were teeth and he’s like, ehhhh, you might be crazy. Around this time, Shelby reveals that she doesn’t want to stay there, but she doesn’t want to tell Matt and I’m all, yo, fuck his feelings. If the raining teeth weren’t enough…..who can sleep while it sounds like pigs are getting violated? Then, Matt goes away on a business trip, and Miss Yoga Teacher is all like, I’ll be fine….until she sees two random women in one of the many hallways that it seems this house has, but of course, she can’t find them. So, she tries to shake it off, and goes outside to their hot tub, and I could have sworn it was just storming outside, but hey, it’s whatever. Shelby looks all calm and cozy in the hot tub, when a hand covers her face and pushes her underwater. She gets free and calls the cops, who don’t believe her and they tell Matt that they can’t find anything in terms of hand or footprints, which makes her look even more crazy.

-You’d think that everything would come to a halt when Matt finds a dead pig at their door. But nah, he doesn’t tell Shelby about it, he just buries it away. What he does decide to do, is put up his own security system so he can watch the house while he is gone (STOP GOING AWAY), and he brings in his sister to watch over Shelby, even though the two don’t get along. His sister’s name is Lee, and in “real life”, or the Lily Rabe/Andre Holland timeline, she is played by Adina Porter, who was in True Blood (you were right, Mel), The 100 and The Newsroom. In “reenactment life”, or the Sarah Paulson/Cuba Gooding timeline, Lee is played  by Angela Bassett, and her story is that she was a cop who was shot, and she turned to booze and pills, which were found by another cop. She was fired from the squad, so she has some free time, but she thinks Shelby is a fake yoga-doing, rosee-drinking phony who doesn’t deserve her brother. She thinks Shelby is making this shit up until she sleeps there for a night, and hears the pig screaming. But Ms. Bassett is back, and the world is all good again.

-Shelby finds a knife moved in the kitchen, which freaks her out, while the sober Lee is in her room, and a bottle of wine is rolled in, which she blames on Shelby. However, they realize that they’re not alone in the house, which Matt can see on his security video. He tries to call the women and tell them that they’re being surrounded by people with torches and pitchforks, which is what Shelby described to the police when she was attacked in the hot tub, but they don’t answer the phone. Instead, they investigate in the basement…..the dark-as-shit basement, I might add…..and the door is closed on them. There is a video playing, and while it is grainy, they can make it a man with a pig’s head on his head, and there is a fight of some sort. Then, they go back upstairs and there are a buncha straw dolls hung up, very similar to some shit you’d see in the Blair Witch Project. These hillbillies are on some arts-and-craft shit…..they were very well done and they did that shit quickly.

-Shelby is fed the fuck up and is like, yo, we gotta go, while Matt and Lee are like, this is our home, they can’t scare us, let the cops do their work…..so lemme get this straight: the white woman wants to leave the scary house and the black people wanna stay? AND we’re trusting the police to do their jobs now? THE FUCK KINDA BIZZARO WORLD IS THIS? AHS is aiming to turn your shit upside this season, bruh.

-Anyway, she peaces out, like, runs outta the house and drives away in the car because fuck y’all, y’all can have this. Shelby is driving down the road, and in her rush, she hits what turns out to be an old lady, flipping her over the hood and shit. She goes out to see how the lady is, but yo…..ol’ girl just gets up and walks away, while Shelby is yelling about having her to take her to a hospital or some shit. But if you get up and walk away, I’m thinking it’s all good and I can go about my business. NOAP. Shelby wanders into the woods and again, on some Blair Witch shit, she gets lost because this place is fucking crazy. She gets lost and ends up in a clearing, where there are more of the straw dolls hung up and that’s when Shelby is like, oh for fuck sakes, you GOTTA be kidding me. Then, to top it all off, she is surrounded by the torch-havin’ mufuckas, and we see a dude that has been scalped (seriously, in the credits, he is the “Scalped Man”). Also, go back to the old woman, she had a bloody knife in her hand, AND we see that it’s Kathy Bates. AND one of the torch people turns out to be Wes Bentley, or John, the detective from Hotel. Shoutout to screen grabs, because all this shit happens really fast, and I’m still stuck on how Shelby ran into the woods in the first damn place.

And that was the premiere, possibly the best of the bunch so far. My biggest question about this is, so…….are real-life Shelby and Matt, are they going to end up dead when it is all said and done? AHS isn’t cut-and-dry, and it doesn’t seem like them to let us think that they’re going to live through this story. Also, if the Roanoke theme is the thing, are the torch people the remaining descendants from there? Also, why would you buy a house like this for $40,000 and battling these Deliverance-ass dudes? This was all a bad idea from the jump, but hell, without bad ideas, American Horror Story would have ended after Murder House. Anyway, I’m in, and there are still a whole gang of people we gotta see: Gaga will be back for something, Evan Peters, Denis O’Hare…..welcome back to the AHS fuckery, y’all.

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E4 – Devil’s Night

What would American Horror Story be without their annual Halloween madness? Hotel continues the trend with “Devil’s Night”, which is straightforward and to the point. But before we go further, let’s rank the past four Halloween AHS joints

  1. Asylum –  Asylum was still ascending when they hit “Nor’Easter”, which was the third episode of the season. Lily Rabe starts to become her crazed-nun character, while Sarah Paulson and Evan Peters run into some shit in the woods and Chloe Sevigny gets her legs cut off. I REALLY need to re-watch Asylum. Those last 4-5 episodes were trash, tho.

2.  Murder House – A two-part episode called “Halloween”, because fuck tryna think of a name.        A dead doctor tries to sew animal parts on his dismembered child, while “pretty girl” Jamie          Brewer gets hit by a car and dies. Dylan McDermott’s side piece (Kate Mara) comes back to          life, and Jessica Lange reveals that Evan Peters was really her dead son, to the surprise of            Taissa Farmiga. It’s here where you were like, “Oh. So this is what AHS is all about. Fuckery.”

3. Freak Show – The Edward Mordrake joints, dude who killed people because a face on the back     of his head told him to. But really, the best parts were the backstories for Kathy Bates and           Twisty The Clown.

4.  Coven – Another two-parter, Evan Peters kills his molestful mother, we get Gaby Sidibe vs. the     Minotaur, Lily Rabe shows up to bring Frances Conroy back to life, the witches vs. voodoo war     kicks off, there is a zombie party and Sarah Paulson goes blind. Minotaurs are in last place.         Welcome to American Horror Story.

Let’s go………..

-We open with a dude bursting through the front door of the Hotel Cortez, and we learn that it is Richard Ramirez, who has a standing invitation for Devil’s Night, and he wishes that Charlie could join them…..yep, Charles Manson, who is somehow still alive. I learned, via our weekly viewing crew, that Richard Ramirez was a serial killer known as the Night Stalker, and he did his work in Los Angeles and San Francisco. If nothing else, Ryan Murphy and crew love to take historical shit and build their series around it. Liz takes him to his room, and he has a gift waiting for him: it is a sleeping couple, who he, of course, brutally kills. Well, he kills the man, but the woman gets away and runs into James March, and she thought he was gon’ save her. NOAP. So March is hosting serial-killer parties on Halloween. Sounds about right.

-John gets a call from Scarlett, who is at her grandmother’s and she doesn’t really wanna go trick-or-treating, which is fair. John is like, yeah, that’s cool, I should probably go though because there is blood pouring from the ceiling. Well, he doesn’t tell her that, but there is blood pouring from the ceiling, all over his diagrams of the Ten Commandments Killer, who really isn’t even a storyline, but we came up with some theories about that, which I’ll get to at the end.

-John goes upstairs and knocks on a door to a room, where Miss Evers is tryna get out stains, because that is what she does….however, this stain keeps reappearing, which makes the job pretty damn difficult. She lets John in and proceeds to go into her backstory, which also involves her losing her child, Albert, who I bet we’ll see again at some point. He was literally right behind her when he got snatched up by some perv and taken to a farm, where he is presumably killed. She tells him all this, and John is like, so someone else gets it, and she gets all worked up about the night’s party before leaving. But John, being a good cop, doesn’t ask her about the blood, which he even sees in the bathroom, and he’s just like, well, chalk it up to the game. Our viewing party isn’t feeling John. He’s kinda the worst. Just MEH.

-Alex has taken Holden home and she takes his temperature, which is at 75, but nah, he’s not cold. The dog is frightened, so Alex puts it in the bathroom and then Holden says he is thirsty, so she goes into the kitchen to pour them some juice. She starts to cry in the kitchen, but shit only gets worse when she returns to the living room, and as soon as I saw the dog, I was like, Holden’s gon’ eat that mufucka. Guess what? Holden ATE that mufucka and has the nerve to say he isn’t feeling well. Between this and Fear The Walking Dead, it hasn’t been a good TV year for dogs. He also says that he wants his other mommy, which is a kick in the junk for Alex.

-John does a little bit of research to find that the murders that Miss Evers were talking about are the Wineville murders, which happened 85 years ago and they had to change the name of the town. YOOOOOO……85 YEARS, DOGG. WHY ARE YOU STILL STAYING THERE? This also happened in real life. There is a lot of background research this season.

-Alex takes Holden back to the hotel, where he decides that he needs to nap in his coffin, and Alex is like, the fuck is going on? There, she runs into Elizabeth, looking elgantly ghoulish as Lady Gaga tends to do in real life anyway. Elizabeth says she saves children from neglect and Alex says that Holden wasn’t neglected, but Elizabeth might have been talking about John, who went to answer Alex’s call and she probably kept him on the line over some bullshit, which is when Elizabeth snatched him up. Elizabeth explains that Holden has a virus and if Alex has it, she can spend eternity with Holden, and then Alex pulls out a gun, but Elizabeth looks at her like she ain’t shook. Then Tristan walks in and punches the absolute shit outta Alex, who gets up like she has taken a punch before, and Elizabeth tells him to let her go, and she leaves. Tristan then wonders if Elizabeth is banging Alex, too. Oh, that’s coming, my friend.

-John goes to the bar and is like, you know what, give me a double martini, dammit,. Of course, on the night John decides to start drinking again, in walks Aileen Wournos, played by Lily Rabe, and if you don’t know, I fucking love her. She was the best part of Asylum as Sister Mary Eunice, and of course, as Misty the Stevie Nicks impersonator in Coven. Anyway, you might know Aileen Wournos from Monster, which earned Charlize Theron an Oscar for Best Actreess, and she is probably the best-known female serial killer in history. They did some good makeup work to make this happen, and Lily Rabe is fucking awesome; that hair flip is everything. Anyway, John thinks it’s a costume, while Liz is lookin’ at all this like, you dumb mufucka, and he takes Aileen up to his room. He gets knocked out and tied to a chair, but he manages to punch and subdue her, and I don’t know how it happened because he’s not very bright. He handcuffs her in the bathroom and looks at her license, which says her name, and heads down to the lobby, where he reads the names of the killers in the guest book. Liz even tells him what’s going on, and he thinks that he is gon’ arrest Aileen, but Liz is like, nah, she won’t be there. She isn’t, and he finds a bag with a suit in it on his bed as he has been invited to the party by March himself. Hmmmmmmmmm…….

-He gets to Room 78 for the party, where he finds Aileen, who apologizes and wants to sit with him, but March is a stickler and wants everyone to sit where he has them. Introductions are made, and we have Aileen, of course. There is the Zodiac Killer, who has a mask on and Richard razzes him for wearing it. John Wayne Gacy is there, played by John Carroll Lynch, who played Twisty in Freak Show, and Jeffrey Dahmer. Dahmer and Ramirez are played by actors outside of the AHS franchise, but they both do excellent jobs in their short time on screen. They were all brought together by March, who gave them tips on how to kill, but they usually went astray and that is how they got caught. Then they drink absinthe, but it only affects Lowe, because well, he is human, and he gets handcuffed to a chair. At some point, he pointed to his gun, and we all laughed. Silly mufucka, you.

-Miss Evers serves dinner and Richard starts dancing with Aileen, and it’s trippy as hell, but it works. Dahmer starts doing work on a drugged out dude because that was his thing in real life, and John goes to shoot him, but yo……they’re fuckin’ ghosts, b. Meanwhile, Dahmer has perked up after they brought him out a salad, and he obviously doesn’t eat that shit, and March pats him on the head. Man, I can’t stress how good Evan Peters is this season. By far his best performance in AHS and it isn’t even close.

-While this is going on, Sally is outside with a guy she just met, and he wants to party, so she takes him and gets him all jacked on the heroin. Little does he know, he is dessert for the killer party, in return for March letting Sally live here for another year. Also, Dahmer has drilled a hole into his victim’s head and put acid in there to make him, like a zombie and I don’t know, is this so he tastes better later? Dahmer was about that cannibal life, and I read more about him when I was younger than I care to admit. Serial killers fascinate me. I’m always curious as to what makes a mufucka just SNAP. Anyway, Miss Evers brings out all of the knives and the killers pounce on the heroin man, stabbing and stabbing and stabbing. John is freaking out, but Sally appears and convinces him it was all a hallucination because of the absinthe. She takes him away so March and ’em can finish what they’re doing, and March gives a look like he doesn’t trust John at all, which he probably shouldn’t.

-We go to Elizabeth, getting all prettied up, and then she walks int a bedroom with Alex, who has apparently decided to become a vampire. They kiss, and then Elizabeth runs her nail down her breast, and Alex takes her first drink, then re-opens her eyes. So is she a vampire now? What happened between pulling a gun out and now? I want to see her “pros and cons” list. Also, that is hopefully the last time we see Alex in a beret. Our viewing crew was quite happy to see it go, one in particular.

Ehhhhh, I’d probably put this above the Coven Halloween episode, and maybe above Freak Show, too. All those serial killers, man, that shit was like a murderers’ row, literally. So, the John theory is this: he is actually the Ten Commandments Killer, and he has done all this shit, but he blacks out for whatever reason, possibly booze, and he just hasn’t realized it yet. Why else would he be at that party? Either that, or he is going to be in training. And now, what about Scarlett? Her mother and brother are vampires, her father is either gon’ be a vampire or a serial killer, and they’re all staying at this creepy hotel? Just gon’ leave her with Grandma? I guess.

Next week, I assume we get back to the Ramona Royale revenge plot with Donovan and Iris, but fuck, it’s American Horror Story. They’ll probably had three more storylines, because American Horror Story.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E10 – Orphans

The 10th episode of American Horror Story: Freak Show, “Orphans”, packed a lot into an extended episode. We got a few backstories, confirmation that the creators, Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk, are indeed calling back to the past editions of the show, a few old faces return and it was actually well written. Let’s go……..

-I never knew his name, but Salty has died in his sleep and Pepper is a mess, which is fair enough as the two were basically inseparable. Elsa says he dies of a stroke, but I don’t believe and just then, Stanley approaches her, so I definitely don’t believe her. He tells her he received a telegram from the TV network saying that Elsa has to go to Hollywood in three weeks, so she needs her rest, but Elsa wants to take care of Pepper, which also means Salty’s body. Stanley says he’ll take care of it, which means cutting his head off and sending it to the morbidity museum. So, that is two weeks in a row that a head is cut off before we get to the opening credits of Freak Show, and I wanna say it’s the third beheading of the season along with Ethel and Gloria Mott.

-Desiree reads Pepper a story and then tries to leave to prepare for her show, but Pepper throws a fit and starts breaking stuff. Desiree asks her if she is done yet and orders her to clean everything up, because Angela Bassett is not here for your shit. Ms. Bassett has been underused after wreckin’ shop on Coven. She looks like she’s about to give Pepper some sympathy until Pepper throws shit in HER direction and she’s like, nah, bruh, not here. Dell tries to interrupt during this exchange and beg for Desiree back, but again, she’s not here for your shit. She all but says, dude, you like penis, go do that.

-She goes to Elsa’s trailer to tell her about Pepper, which sparks Elsa to tell Desiree about Pepper’s story. Elsa wanted to start her own freak show and needed to find freaks, so she went to the place where people throw away what they don’t want: an orphanage. She finds Pepper and starts playing with her, and takes her to the show (just walking her out of the orphanage because the adoption process wasn’t shit back then, apparently), where Pepper starts dancin’ around, partyin’ like shit. I’m not sure what was entertaining about this to people, but I’ll let it rock because Pepper is one of the few genuinely good and pure things left on Freak Show, which scares me that she’ll die. She was also left at the orphanage by her sister, but more on that later.

-We also learn the story of Ma Petite, who came with a Maharaja that came to see the show, and Elsa wanted her, but the leader was like, nah. So, she offers him a Dr. Pepper…..and he loves it so much that he trades Ma Petite for three cases of the shit. Now, if I’m following this great leader, I’m like, dude, your negotiation skills are terrible. But Elsa gets what she wants and Pepper has to look after her, which gives her a purpose. Then Salty comes from a boys home in Cincinnati, and Elsa marries the two eerily similar people. This story in a nutshell is why you love American Horror Story. Desiree tells Elsa that she has to take Pepper to her sister since she has lost Salty, Ma Petite and Elsa will be off to Hollywood soon, and Elsa reluctantly agrees.

-Desiree comes through Maggie’s tent with her new man, Angus (THEO HUXTABLE), and we learn that Angus is a travelling salesman. Now, I have written down, “does Theo know about the triple-tittay action?” and literally, two seconds later, Desiree saunters on stage just shakin’ and swingin’ them shits, so I wrote, “well, there goes that”. Then Maggie goes on a rant about everything is going to go downhill for Angus and Desiree, and the two storm out of the tent, but Angus says something about being a Christian and not believing in future-telling. I wonder if there is anything in the Bible about messin’ with three-tittied ladies with crazy genitalia, but hey, believe what you wanna, bruh.

-Desiree finds Maggie, drunk, on the carousel to find out what the hell that was all about, and Maggie decides to spill that she and Stanley are working together, not to kill freaks and sell them, but to pickpocket the freak show customers. Then she tells the story of how they met as she was selling newspapers, but would steal shit as well. She gets picked up by a cop, who is played by Brandon Stacy, who myself and my homegirl Lindsay SWORE we saw before as Bloody Face from Asylum, but I looked through his credits and it wasn’t him; he was played by Zachary Quinto, who hasn’t been in AHS since. But Quinto played Spock in the new Star Wars movies; Stacy played Spock in something called Star Trek New Voyages: Phase II. This is JUST getting started.

-Back to Maggie, she rolls with Stanley because he saves her from being arrested, and the two form their team. Desiree puts two and two together that freaks have been dying since they arrived and even though Maggie denies it, Desiree doesn’t trust her at all. Maggie bails to her tent, but finds Bette and Dot, who give her money to get Jimmy out of jail since people won’t take too kindly to them. Seems like they have a plan of some sort; I just want them to kick Maggie’s ass.

-Stanley visits Jimmy in jail and gives him some story about being an orphan as well, and asks Jimmy if he killed those women. Jimmy says he doesn’t remember as he was quite drunk, but can you kill nine women at once and not remember? Anyway, Stanley says he can get a lawyer, but he needs money and Jimmy doesn’t have any. He then leaves, but comes back and says he has an idea of how to raise the money, and looks at Jimmy’s lobster hands. Them shits probably go for a pretty penny.

-Maggie finds Desiree the next day and begs her to come to the morbidity museum because she is done with the lies, and Desiree doesn’t believe her at first, until she sees Ma Petite’s body, followed by Salty’s head. But the kicker is seeing Jimmy’s hands, and Maggie is like, nah, this has gone too far now. There are a ton of questions going on via text, namely if Jimmy would bleed out and how the hands got there that fast, but now I conclude that it’s American Horror Story and logic is for suckers. Also, Angela Bassett vs. Emma Roberts in an acting match is like me against Mike Tyson in his prime. And the thing is, Roberts was probably at her very best in this episode.

-Elsa takes Pepper to her sister in Massachusetts, and her sister, Rita, is played by Mare Winningham, who isn’t even listed in the IMDB for this episode. But she was in Coven for a couple episodes (she was Evan Peters’ mother who molested him) and she has been in a ton on TV and movies, so it continues. She’s a wicked bitch, but also, something doesn’t sit well with me. She messes up the “clogged pipes” line when telling Elsa why she couldn’t have children, and she walks away talking to herself. Something is amiss.

-Elsa then says goodbye to Pepper, and a brotha got all in his feelings. This is the first time this season that Elsa has been worth a damn and she is genuinely sad to be doing this, and even though it is selfish because she has to do what is best for her, Elsa still has ties to Pepper, who was her first freak. It’s pretty heartbreaking, especially when you know that Rita doesn’t give nary damn about Pepper.

-We come back from commercial and Rita is speaking to someone about her troubles with Pepper, and how she had a child that had something wrong with it, but it never says what and we never find out. But we do find out that someone is Sister Mary Eunice……who is played by Lily Rabe, and I start partyin’. She is one of a few that has been in all four seasons of AHS, along with Sarah Paulson, Jessica Lange, Evan Peters and Frances Conroy. Rabe played the Sister Mary role in Asylum, and she was Nora in Murder House and Misty in Coven (although the Stevie Nicks thing got real weird, real fast). So obviously, the two are speaking at Briarcliff, which is the setting for Asylum.

-A little aside: I heard that all of the AHS seasons were connected somehow, but I never knew that Ryan Murphy purposely did it, and this smacked me in the face. Again, my homegirl called it earlier in the episode with the orphanage, but a lot happened in this hour and I never thought much of it until we saw Sister Mary, and for as nonsensical and ridiculous as American Horror Story is, to make all these connections between four stand-alone seasons takes a lot of skill. Well done, Murphy (Falchuk too, I guess, but I’ve read Murphy is the driving force. Maybe he’s the one who does all the interviews and such, but Falchuk has written and directed his share of AHS episodes).

-Anyway, Rita tells about her home life, which she makes seem is hell for her, but really, she is lying in bed, making Pepper take care of her deformed baby while fixing her martinis, and she accuses Pepper of trying to seduce her husband, who is a dick in his own right and comes up with a plan to kill either Pepper or the baby, or both, it isn’t clear at first. So what he does, is drown the baby after kicking Pepper out of the nursery, and the couple frame Pepper for the murder, which is how Rita comes to bring her to Briarcliff. We see Pepper in a strait jacket, banging her head in sadness against a wall, when Sister Mary comes into her room and after a conversation about the baby, she sees remorse in Pepper. Sister Mary wants to make Pepper her redemption project and takes Pepper to the messy library, where she teaches her to pile up magazines such as Readers’ Digest, National Geographic and Time. Pepper is Rain Man with that shit, but as the episode ends, we see her picking up an issue of Time…..that has Elsa on the cover, and Elsa is now a huge TV star.

I’m putting “Orphans” up in the all-time pantheon episodes of American Horror Story, and while there have been a couple episodes this season that have been very good, they’re not topping this, and if you would have told me that an episode about Pepper would steal the season, I would have called you a liar. Pepper gave Elsa humanity after a season of being just awful, and she really tied together all of the AHS seasons with old faces coming back, and hell, she made me want to go back and watch Asylum; not to mention, they gave Angela Bassett some burn after I said she was underused this season. If you bailed on Freak Show before this episodes, I really don’t blame you, but I recommend “Orphans” highly. The only problems are that we now have to wait until January 7th for a new episode due to the holidays (because nothing says Merry Christmas like American Horror Story), and the sinking feeling that this could be the peak before a disaster of a finale.