Tag Archives: Littlefinger

Game Of Thrones S07E05 – Eastwatch

After four episodes of battles and fighting, Game Of Thrones scaled it back a little with “Eastwatch”, but by no means at all was it a slow episode. It needed to reset the board a little after the chaos of the first part of the season, and sets things up for what should be a wild two episodes. Let’s go…..

-Let’s start at the Reach, where Jaime somehow managed to not die thanks to Bronn, who was only here for his gold, which means Jaime can’t die yet, unless Bronn kills him. We’ll overlook the fact that not only should Jaime have died because of his armor, or even Drogon, but his gold hand gotta be heavy. But you overlook a lot of shit in Game Of Thrones because dragons and white walkers and all that good shit. Anyway, Jaime and Bronn both realize that they’re fucked if Dany brings out all three dragons since the scorpion gun absolutely didn’t work. It’s all good when it works on dragons that have been dead for however long…..them shits didn’t move around and breathe fire at you as you’re shooting.

-Let’s go quickly to King’s Landing, where Jaime has to tell Cersei that this shit ain’t work. He’s like, man, that’s a big-ass dragon, and she has two more, and those Dothraki mufuckas are the opposite of what a joke is. Cersei doesn’t care, tho, because she will be petty until the very end, no matter how many innocents die in the midst of it. Jaime then tells her that Lady O told him that she was the one who killed Joffrey, not Tyrion, and Cersei doesn’t believe until Jaime points out that it would have been easier for Margaery to control Tommen over Joffrey, which gave Lady O power. Then Cersei is mad that Lady O didn’t feel any pain for what she did and Jaime is like, we AIN’T got time for that shit right now, fuck are we gon’ do about these dragons and Dothraki? Again, Cersei’s pettiness will be the downfall of her. She’s such a jerk and it freaks me out how much I really love this character. Shouts to Lena Headey. She’s marvelous.

-We’ll get back to King’s Landing in a minute, but we’ll head back to the Reach for a second as Tyrion is looking at all of the dead Lannisters and Tarlys, burned to ashes by Drogon and slaughtered by the Dothraki. Everyone who survived is brought to Dany, who again, is on this “bend the knee” shit, even though she tries to assure them that she isn’t like her father despite what Cersei has been telling them. I dunno how easy it is to believe her when they’ve just seen their boys get flamed the fuck up, but hey, you do you. Most of the soldiers do bend the knee, except for Randyll and Dickon Tarly, and a few others. Dany calls them forward and Tyrion suggests sending them to the Wall, but Randyll calls Tyrion a traitor for even rolling with Dany, and at least Cersei is true Westerosi, which is some ‘cism, but again, it’s whatever. Plus, Randyll says she can’t send him to the Wall because she isn’t his Queen and Dany is like, oh word?  The Dothraki bring Randyll and Dickon (who goes against his father’s word) forth and they lovingly hold hands as Drogon melts them within seconds. Dany should have went down and thrown the ashes in the air like LeBron does with chalk before games. Anyway, that shit is over. Should have just bent the mufuckin’ knee, bruh. And Tyrion is still over here lookin’ all down about shit. But he won’t do anything stupid. I’ll tell you why in a second.

-On to Dragonstone, where Jon is walking around, being all brooding and shit because that’s what he does. Dany rides in on Drogon, who swoops down to Jon and roars in his face. Jon does a decent job of hiding the feces in his pants, I think, and manages to not only stay in front of Drogon, but he pets him and Dany is like, WHO IN THE FUCK IS THIS? Jon then says to Dany that the dragons are beautiful beasts, and Dany is like, mufucka, these are my kids, nobody talks about my bad-ass children but me, and Jon is like, bet, where’d you go tho? Dany says something about Hennessey and enemies and walks off.

-SO……we have Dany, the mother of dragons and all kinds of other shit, she rides the dragons. Jon manages to pet Drogon and not get flamed. Tyrion, back in Season 6, managed to not only get up close to the other two dragons, Viserion and Rhaegal, but he unshackles them and says he wanted a dragon of his own. Y’all aware of the dragon-riders theory? Google it. There are three dragons, and we have three people, all of which likely have Targaryen blood. Why do you think Tywin hated Tyrion so much? That ain’t his son. He was mad as shit having to spend his money and time taking care of a dwarf. There you have it. Cersei might pee a little if she sees Tyrion flying into King’s Landing on a dragon. Not in fear, just because what the fuck?

-Back to Dragonstone, where Dany asks Jon about the whole “knife to the heart” thing and Jon is like, oh, that Davos….what a guy. But they’re interrupted by Lord Friendzone himself, Jorah, who is back, lacking the greyscale, and he’s ready to serve his Queen. Dany is like, awww, my friend…..this is Jon Snow, who tells Jorah that he served under his pops in the Night’s Watch. All Jorah is thinking is, goddammit, another good-looking young dude I gotta try and leapfrog? She gave him a hug and I wonder how much he wanted to try and go in for that kiss?

-Tyrion and Varys are talking about Randyll and Dickon, and Varys tells Tyrion that he tried to distance himself from the Mad King when he killed Rickard Stark (Ned’s father) and Brandon Stark (Ned’s brother). Tyrion is still talkin’ this, she’s not her father, shit. Varys is like, fine, whatever, but she does have a proclivity to burn a mufucka or 8,000, so you need to tame that. They also talk a little about Bran’s raven, which we’ll get to in a bit. Yeah, this shit is all over the place.

-Jon got the raven and tells Dany about Bran’s vision of the white walkers and that he is going home, and he ain’t tellin’ her again. Tyrion says that they should go and get a wight to prove to everyone that this shit is the real threat and Varys says that Cersei won’t believe it…..Tyrion says that he can get to Jaime. Varys is out here making puppets dance. Also, what the hell kinda plan is that? Just go get a wight. That’s why Jon needs your army, Dany, Jesus……but he goes, and Jorah goes with him, because there is no lengths that his thirsty ass won’t go to for Dany. Anyway, Tyrion and Davos go to King’s Landing.

-Tyrion meets with Jaime underneath the Red Keep via Bronn, and I wish Bronn had stuck around because he and Tyrion would have had some nice jokes at the expense of Jaime’s hand. But there are more pressing issues, like, Tyrion killing Tywin, Tywin being a lifelong dick to Tyrion, up to and including ordering his execution, and Tyrion telling Jaime that everyone knows Dany is going to win this thing, so let’s talk about peace. Jaime brings that back to Cersei, who knew about it, of course. Jaime brings up the white walkers and that they’re tryna bring her proof, and Cersei seems like she’s down for a truce….for now, but that they’ll destroy anything in their path. Also, for all the shit that happened in this episode, Cersei’s admission that she is pregnant with another incest baby has flown under the radar in regards to all the recaps. Is she lying? The baby probably won’t make it anyway because she won’t make it. She tells Jaime not to betray her again, and the two of them are going to kill each other so good.

-Davos goes to find Gendry, Robert Baratheon’s bastard son who Davos helped escape Dragonstone a while ago so he wouldn’t die like the rest of his bastards. He is also the last Baratheon, so that has to stand for something. Anyway, he finds him, Gendry brings a war hammer and it’s a good thing. They get ready to leave when they are spotted by two gold cloaks, the Star Trek red shirt mufuckas of this shit. He gives them some story about crabs and impotence, and they buy it until Tyrion shows up and remember, Cersei has a bounty on Tyrion. They go to do something about it, but Gendry smashes their faces in with the hammer. They go on about their business. Good for Gendry. I literally forgot about him until this episode, and didn’t know anything about it until right now, as I’m writing this.

-Head to Winterfell right quick, where Bran has a vision with ravens, which he sends out to find the Army of the Dead. He finds them, being white and STILL walking, and the Night’s King looks at them, and they scatter like shit, which wakes Bran up. He’s like, yo, send out these ravens, b, and the notes likely say something like, AYE, WHITE WALKERS COMING FAST…WELL, NOT FAST, BUT FAST ENOUGH. Meanwhile, Sansa is being told that maybe she should be the leader of Winterfell, and Sansa doesn’t really buy what the lords are talking about. Arya is like, just kill ’em and Sansa is like, the fuck is wrong with you, WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN. Arya is about this killin’ life now and I’m here for it. So of course, she decides to stalk Littlefinger, who is up to shenanigans and all-around shady shit, and she sees him meeting with a buncha people. She breaks into his room after he met with Maester Wolkan, who had a copy of a scroll, and she finds out that the scroll is from when Sansa wrote a letter, at the behest of Cersei, to Robb, telling him to bend the knee of Joffrey. Goddamn, you could make a killing in Westeros selling kneepads. Knee bending EVERYWHERE. Now, Arya doesn’t know that this letter was written with Cersei watching, and Sansa was trying to save her father. However, she rushes off in anger and there is Littlefinger in the shadows, smiling. Shouts to @Mariannoo on Twitter who said that “Littlefinger always looks like he just realized there’s an extra nugget in his 10 piece”.

-ALRIGHT, on to Oldtown, where the maesters don’t buy the letter from Bran and Sam is like, yo, he’s not lying about this shit, he was out there in those streets, bruh, where was you? He also says that they should warn the people, but doesn’t throw in that, you know, he killed one himself. They wouldn’t believe him anyway. I think the main archmaester believes him, but he’s a dick anyway. So of course, Sam goes home to Gilly to talk about how much his job sucks, because that’s what you do in relationships. She asks him about this “Ragger” character that got annulled from a marriage, so he could marry another woman. But Sam is too busy listening to hear that “Ragger” is Rhaegar Targaryen, who was married to Elia Martell, but left her for Lyanna Stark, aka Ned’s sister and Jon’s real mother…..which means Jon is actually trueborn Targaryen and the real heir to the throne. Even though Dany is the daughter of the Mad King, Jon has the claim to the throne because, well, men ain’t shit and that’s what kinda what we do. Take shit over and fuck it up. But this show has always been Jon. If you could have put 2+2 = 4 together, or in this case, R+L=J, you’d know that Game Of Thrones has always been about Jon. He is the encapsulation of a song of ice and fire. I’m not happy about it, but it is what it is and I’ll still enjoy it. Anyway, I really hope at some point, Sam just shut the fuck up and listened to Gilly. Well, they had a long-ass trip in front of them as Sam stole some books and with Gilly and her son, whatever his name is, they left for, I don’t know, Dragonstone, maybe? Did they even know?

-Whew, alright, back to Dragonstone for a minute as Davos and Tyrion get back with Gendry. They meet up with Jon, who is heading to Eastwatch with Jorah and company to find a wight and bring it back, no sweat. Gendry is like, fuck it, I’ll go too. So, the three of them take a boat from Dragonstone to Eastwatch, so, the Wall. Jon hollers at Tormund and the crew about helping out, and Tormund is like, so you gotta convince the incest queen AND the dragon queen that these things exist? That line was pretty good. Then they meet with The Brotherhood Without Banners, so Beric, Thoros and the Hound, and Gendry is like, naaaaaaaaaaaaaah because apparently, the Brotherhood sold him to Melisandre. Which is fair, but they all decide that while they don’t like each other, there are bigger fish to fry. So they walk out past the Wall, lookin’ like a cold-ass Suicide Squad, and I guess they’ll be back with a fuckin’ wight, because why not? They head out into the Land of Always Winter, which sounds and looks unpleasant as fuck.

So, I guess Dany and Cersei are on hold until Jon and ’em come back…….hahahahahaha yeah, right. Cersei might try something stupid, like, chances of that are at least 7/10. I’m very anxious to see what Littlefinger is doing with Sansa and Arya, and how Brienne will fit into this. Also, Varys…..on the low, doing what he always does, intercepting ravens and pulling strings. Euron likely makes an appearance next episode, and I don’t even know if Dany plans on going to Casterly Rock to get Grey Worm and ’em. Missandei might gotta get in her ear about that. I think all that shit gets tied up next week and the finale will be the Suicide Squad against the Army of the Dead.

Next episode, 71 minutes, so this will be even longer next week. And 81 minutes the next week, so yeah…..put your reading glasses on, because shit is about to get so very real on Game Of Thrones.

Game Of Thrones S07E04 – The Spoils Of War

At 50 minutes, “The Spoils Of War” is the shortest episode of this season of Game Of Thrones. So how in the hell did it seem like EVERYTHING HAPPENED? From start to finish, this was an all-time classic. Let’s go…..

-We’ll start at King’s Landing, where it was pretty quiet this week for a change, Cersei is gettin’ her Scrooge McDuck on after the Fall of Highgarden as gold is being transported from there to her. She tells Tycho that she plans to pay off her debt to the Iron Bank, because you know how Lannisters do with debts and all. But of course, Cersei needs more money to keep the war going, and she wants to recruit the Golden Company, a group of mercenaries that we’ve only heard of once, back in Season 4 in a conversation between Davos and Stannis. Apparently, they’re pretty good at fighting. Tycho says that they’ll do it once they get the other money first. Cersei is getting the Golden Company, one way or another, make no bones about that. They better be good. She’s gon’ need ’em.

-On to Winterfell, where Littlefinger tries to suck up to Bran, giving him the Valyrian steel dagger that was meant to kill him back in Season 1. The joint that was the reason that Catelyn kidnapped Tyrion and blamed the hit on him. Anyway, Bran is really not here for any of that shit and hits Littlefinger with the “Chaos is a ladder” line that Littlefinger said to Varys. Oooooooooh, the look on Littlefinger’s face was priceless, how in the fuck did you know about that? It’s rare that you see Littlefinger shook, but “Shook Ones Part 2” started playin’ in the background, shouts to Mobb Deep, RIP Prodigy. Anyway, Littlefinger leaves to get his mind right, and Meera walks in to say goodbye to Bran, who is like, yeah, whatever, peace, dogg. Meera is like, mufuckas died for you, my brother, Hodor, a whole buncha mufuckas and you can’t even muster a smile? But Bran ain’t Bran anymore. He’s the Three-Eyed Raven now. She’ll understand on the long-ass walk back to her family.

-Arya finally gets back to Winterfell, and fuck those guards, b. She names off some names like Maester Luwin and Rodrik, who are both dead, and then she realizes that her sister is in charge. The guards still don’t believe and throw a punch, and they have no idea what in the world they’re getting into. She sneaks away easily and when they finally tell Sansa that they lost her, she knows where Arya is: where their father is buried. They embrace, they have some small talk and Arya tells Sansa about her list because she was mad that she didn’t get to kill Joffrey. The list is still going strong. You’d have to think that she and Ed Sheeran will team up to kill Cersei by the time this is over, right? Right. I’d be here for that. Anyway, Sansa takes Arya to Bran, and shouts to his wheelchair. Bran knows about the list because he thought Arya was going to King’s Landing to get Cersei, and Arya’s like, the fuck do you know about that? Sansa’s like, little brother is weird, b. It wasn’t quite the reunion that we had in mind for the Starks, but things done changed. Just wait until Jon gets back. Oh, and Bran gets Arya the dagger, which they deduce that someone rich wanted him dead because Valyrian steel is the top of the top. Sansa says that Littlefinger probably gave it to Bran because he wants something, and she’s probably right because Littlefinger.

-They head to the courtyard, where Brienne, God love, continues to try and train Pod, who is getting better at fighting. But she’s taking compliments now as Pod called her a lady and she’s like, yeah, sure, thanks. They’re still a top-two duo in this show, along with Arya and the Hound. Arya steps up and is like, lemme try and Brienne is like, aight, I’ll take it easy on you….and then she realizes that Arya, in the words of the great midwestern African poet, Rakim, ain’t no joke. She manages to knock Needle out of Arya’s hand, so Arya switches to the dagger, and Brienne is like, fuck this, and kicks Arya square in the chest. It’s all good, though. Brienne asks her where she learned to fight, and Arya says, “no one”. Clever. That whole storyline is the epitome of GOT: it might be annoying to watch right now, but it’ll come in handy. Littlefinger is worried. Sansa is like, what in the hell has Arya been up to?

-Alright, on to the good stuff: Dragonstone. Missandei is worried about Grey Worm and Dany is like, what did y’all do and Missandei was about to yell “DAT MOUF”, but Jon interrupts. He takes Dany to the dragonglass mine, which is filled with dragonglass, obviously, but there is more. There are all sorts of hieroglyphics down there, left by the Children of the Forest, and there are drawings of the First Men as well. Jon says that they have to come together to fight as the Children and the First Men did when they had to battle the White Walkers and the Night King, of which there are drawings. Dany is like, hmmmm, maybe this dude isn’t crazy? Which reminds me, I was talking to a coworker about this and he brought up a great point: why is this so hard to believe for Dany when SHE HAS DRAGONS? DRAGONS, B. The Targaryen arrogance might be her downfall. So they leave, and they’re greeted by Tyrion and Varys, who tell Dany that she has Casterly Rock now, but then there was Highgarden. So now, Dany is without Highgarden, Dorne and the Iron Islands, and it’s all because, high key, Tyrion isn’t that good at military strategy. He never has been. He’s fine when it comes to political maneuvering, but when it comes to armies and shit, not his strong suit. Dany then goes at Tyrion for possibly punking out because the Lannisters are his people, which may or may not be true, I think mostly not true…..but maybe a little? They still have the Unsullied and Dothraki, but Dany can’t feed them all without the Reach (of which the capital is Highgarden) because Cersei also took all of the foods. Dany is like, fuck y’all, I got dragons, and then asks Jon what she should do. He says that if she uses her dragons, she’s no better than the Mad King or anyone else. Dany is like, that’s not what I want to hear.

-Jon and Davos are walking, and Davos is like, yo, what’s good with you and the Dragon Queen, you tryna smash, and Jon is like, there is no time for that now. Oh Jon, if you only knew how much time there isn’t for that right now. Missandei asks why his last name is Snow when his pops was a Stark, and when he explains the idea of a bastard, she still doesn’t get it because in Naath, marriage isn’t a concept. Davos is like, oh word, what are you sayin’, girl…..but let’s take a step back when they say to Missandei that JON’S PARENTS WEREN’T MARRIED. That’s pretty good. I like the fact that GOT ain’t tryna be subtle with it anymore. Fuck it, we all know who the parents are, and we’re gon’ beat you over the head with it. No time for fuckin’ around.

-Theon the Fuckboy rolls up with his people, and Jon is like, the only reason I’m not killing you right now is because you saved Sansa. I don’t think that should spare his life, but whatever. He then asks Dany to help him get his sister back, but Dany is gone and Jon leaves too, so you’re on your own. Idiot. I’ma be so mad when they try to make him a hero.

-At the Reach, Jaime is getting the boys together to send the gold and stuff back to King’s Landing, and he gives Bronn some gold, but Bronn is like, what about this castle, though? I dunno, how about Highgarden? But Jaime tells him that the war ain’t over yet and they’re not doing shit with Highgarden anyway. Randyll Tarly thinks that they should get a move on so that they don’t get caught out there, and they also run into Dickon, Randyll’s son, to ask him what he thought of war, and he’s like, meh, it’s aight. See, the Tarlys betrayed the Tyrells, and Dickon knew many of the men that he had to kill. Welcome to Game Of Thrones, my man. Dickon also didn’t know that men shit themselves when they die. Bronn be teachin’ out here. Easily the MVP of this episode.

-So they’re going, and then they hear the rumble of galloping horses, like, a lot of them. So they rally the troops and get ready for the incoming swarm of Dothraki, and there are WAY too many for them to handle. Bronn tries to get Jaime to go back to King’s Landing, but Jaime wants to fight with his men. Jaime is like, that’s cool, we can fight these men…..but then in swoops Drogon with Dany on his back and they’re like, oh for fuck sakes, these things still actually exist? It’s easy to break through the enemy lines when a giant dragon blazes a path of charred bodies straight through the middle, and the Dothraki get to kickin’ some Lannister ass. A lot of fighting and stuff, but let’s slow down a little. Not the best battle scene in GOT history, it was just cool because there were dragons. It’s still not “Hardhome”, it might not “Battle of the Bastards” and even though you might not remember it, “Blackwater” was also pretty dope. Let’s just say it was very, very good. Jaime’s men try their best, and they even shoot arrows at Drogon, but apparently he has armor on his stomach and how in the hell do you get armor on the stomach of a dragon?

-Jaime hollers at Bronn to go to the, what the GOT Wikia calls a scorpion-bolt launcher, but I’m calling it the big-ass crossbow. Bronn gets to it, cutting off horses’ legs and shit, and one Dothraki chases Bronn, and meets the big-ass crossbow. Then Bronn reloads, somehow by himself even though this shit looks like it needs a buncha people do it, but hey, no time for reality and details and shit right now. He loads up and aims for Drogon, but misses, and Dany is like, oh word? I’ll come to you. They divebomb Bronn, who manages to hit Drogon in the shoulder, but then a pissed-off Drogon blazes fire at the big-ass crossbow and just misses Bronn, who tucks and rolls like shit. Drogon goes to the ground and Dany tries to remove the arrow, and Drogon proceeds to light up anyone who is dumb enough to get close to her.

-Tyrion is overlooking the damage and one of the Dothraki is like, man, your people are some bitches, b, y’all can’t fight for shit. But then he spots Jaime, who has Dany in his sight and rides towards her, and basically, it’s a suicide mission. But Drogon spots him in time and well, fire…..but here comes the MVP, LeBronn James as Black Twitter dubbed him, and he saves Jaime by tackling him and they both go in the water, although Jaime appears to be drowning. But he’s not dead. He’ll be a good hostage for Dany going forward. He’s used to that shit anyway.

There wasn’t a single wasted moment on Sunday. Even the stuff at King’s Landing, not a battle, but still really important because Cersei’s gon’ need more people now. Can she afford them now that her gold is likely up in flames? Who’s gon’ be the brave soul that tries to take a big-ass arrow out of Drogon’s shoulder? Does Dany have a First Aid certificate? Are there any lifeguards in the house to save Jaime? Can someone PLEASE get Jon and Bran in a fucking room? Will Cersei now have to start drinking boxed wine? Will Littlefinger rebound from having peed himself? And Jesus, the White Walkers gotta be getting close to the Wall by now, yeah? Actually, that’ll be the sixth or seventh episode. Oh, and where is the Hound, Beric and the other guy? A lot of questions await the last three episodes of Game Of Thrones.

Game Of Thrones S06E10 – The Winds Of Winter

Well, after six damn seasons of Game Of Thrones, winter is finally here. But there was a fair amount of heat in the Season 6 finale, “The Winds Of Winter”, unequivocally one of the best episodes in the entire series and the name of the upcoming sixth book. Let’s go………

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-Um, let’s start with Sam and Gilly because this shit will be quick. They show up at Oldtown and walk up to the the maester’s version of the front desk, and much like any front desk you’ve ever been to, the receptionist is not here for any of Sam’s shit. He made Sam’s big ass stretch across that desk to give him the letter from Jon, saying he is supposed to be the new maester, and Mr. Receptionist was like, new Lord Commander? No Maester Aegon? WE DON’T BELIEVE YOU, YOU NEED MORE PEOPLE. But eventually, he lets Sam into the library, but not Gilly and Little Sam because Sam knew women and children weren’t allowed there. Anyway, Sam has to read like, three million books and he’s pretty psyched about it. Good for him. The fuck you gon’ do with Gilly and Little Sam?

-Let’s move up to the Twins, where Walder Frey is being full of himself as usual, partyin’ off their win over the Blackfish and the Tullys, while Bronn is gettin’ pissy with Jaime because all the women want him. Jaime, being the best wingman ever, calls over two women and Bronn is like, fuck it, I’ll take them, but first, he hit Jaime with the “not blond enough for you?” as both women had dark hair. It was obviously a shot at Jaime about Cersei, and really, Bronn is the only one who can get away with that shit. He has done it before, but what can Jaime say? Bronn has done a lot of shit for Jaime over these last six seasons. Then Jaime moves on Walder Frey, and basically says to him that the Lannisters don’t really need him if they have to ride up and save him every time he loses the Riverlands. He’s not wrong. Walder couldn’t have pulled off the Red Wedding without the Lannisters, and now this. That should have been the first sign for Walder to watch his back, ol’ pedo-ass bastard. But then, he’s chillin’ and in walks a girl that we saw in the previous scene, getting Jaime’s attention. Walder slaps her ass and says she’s too pretty to be one of his, and he asks for his sons. She was like, oh, your sons are right there, on ya mufuckin’ plate and that they were hard to carve up…..and bruh, she pulled off that mask…….ARYA. She says her full name again, completely throwing that “No One” shit in the bushes, and proceeds to slit his throat….and smiles at him. Does this make up for all the other shit that hasn’t happened for Arya this season? Not completely, but it damn sure helps. And this means that Arya is at Riverrun, so how did she get…..actually, you know what? Never mind. She’s there and that’s all that matters. Winterfell next? Maybe King’s Landing? She got that kill list to work on.

-Benjen drops Meera and Bran close to the Wall, right beside a weirwood tree, but Benjen can’t go past the Wall, which has magic or some shit that prevents him from going past it because technically, he’s dead. Sooooooooo…….does this mean the White Walkers and ’em can’t go past the Wall, either? How does that work? Anyway, we’ll figure that shit out later. Bran looks at the tree and was like, I ain’t warged in a minute and Meera is like, you better wake the fuck up when I grab you this time. He goes into his flashback, and it’s at the Tower of Joy, where we hear the screams of Lyanna Stark, and Ned goes on to see what’s up with his sister. She is lying in a pool of blood and whispers to Ned that well, she just had a baby and her father would kill her if she knew who the father was, and we can all safely assume that the father is Rhaegar Targaryen and book readers smugly stroked their chin upon this being revealed. To be fair to them, though, this is one of the theories that I’ve run across that wasn’t stupid, and it NEVER sat well with me that Ned had a bastard child when all we heard about was how honorable he was. Like, that was Ned’s THING, right until the end. But he came up with that story because Jon Snow would have been killed if anyone knew his father was Rhaegar was his father. So yes, Jon is part-Targaryen. He’d better learn to ride a dragon (remember, Rhaegar was Dany’s brother and fun fact, he was supposed to marry Cersei, but his father, the Mad King, said Cersei wasn’t good enough for him and that obviously pissed Tywin off. I could probably write another thousand words on how many people the Targaryens pissed off, and how not good that is for Dany……maybe later). That shit will come in handy.

-Speaking of Jon, he’s chillin’ with Melisandre when Davos bursts in the room and throws some shit at Melisandre, which turns out to be Shireen’s little wooden elk, which is some bullshit in the first place, but whatever. He forces her to tell Jon about the burning of Shireen at the stake, but Melisandre puts up a fight, saying that it was the Lord of Light, but also her parents as Stannis and whatever her mother’s name was were in on it, too. Davos is like, where did that get any of them, and Melisandre is like, shit….you’re not wrong. Jon asks is she has anything to say for herself and Melisandre counters with the fact that, well, she brought him back to life, and the great war is on the way and she’ll be useful to him, which is probably right. But Jon was raised by Ned and he does the honorable thing, which is to tell Melisandre to ride south and never come to the North again, or he’ll have her hanged as a murderer, while Davos is like, fuck all that, I’ll kill you my damn self. And I mean, I get it, killing Shireen was kinda fucked up. But she DID bring Jon Snow back and she probably will be able to help in the great war. She’s not done, we’ll see her again. For their sake, they better hope they see her again. But goddamn, Davos was mad as shit, come like they found a text on their significant other’s phone. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT……I don’t think we’ve ever heard him that mad. And now that I think about it….does he need to go to the Iron Bank and pay that debt for Stannis? That literally just popped into my head.

Jon meets with Sansa, who says that he should sleep in their parents’ old room, but Jon wants her to have it. She admits that not telling him about Littlefinger was the wrong thing to do, which is correct, because people were furious about that last week. Jon asks if she trusts Littlefinger, which she says she doesn’t and I think she knows better than that, but she needed him. Jon tells her they have to be honest with each other if they’re gon’ run Winterfell, but they’ll have this problem again. Oh, and they find out that winter is here through a white raven, and it’s just like their father told them as it’s the motto of House Stark and he it’s the name of the first episode of the series. It’s about damn time. Then Sansa meets with Littlefinger, who finally shoots his shot with her. He tried to kiss her and Sansa was like, nah, thanks for the army, tho. That’s some cold shit. He won’t take that lying down.

Later on, all the lords of the North have gathered and mufuckas are mad that the wildlings are there, but Tormund said they were invited. AND, did you not just see us out there fighting for your punk asses? We lost the last giant (#RIPWUNWUN) out here for y’all, which is all a true story. Jon then tells everyone that the great war is yet to be fought, and then there are some that still think Jon shouldn’t be in charge because he’s a bastard. But Lyanna Mormont steps up to the plate and all but started her speech with, “man, y’all some bitches”. She names all the houses that stopped fuckin’ with the Starks after the Red Wedding, and people that wouldn’t fight the Boltons with him. Where has this little girl been this entire series? I feel cheated that we’re just now gettin’ these Lyanna bars. And y’all are some bitches because you’re getting run by a 10-year-old that has just 62 fightin’ mufuckas….well, um, probably not 62 after last week. I wonder how many of them survived? I’d guess not many. Anyway, they all declare Jon the King Of the North and everyone is chanting, but Sansa looks in the back and Littlefinger is NOT happy because he thinks that’s his spot. So keep an eye on that because if there is one thing we know, it is that Littlefinger won’t stop until he gets what he wants. And he has an army that is probably bigger than Jon’s. But it’s nice to see the Starks taking a W or two after six entire seasons of Ls.

-Aight, NOW, on to the good stuff. The episode starts with everyone getting ready for the trials of Cersei and Loras. It is a very slow and deliberate beginning, and and very detailed, starting with the little kid who whispers something Pycelle as he is getting ready to go, and after he doesn’t pay a prostitute, and you can never trust someone who does that. Loras is brought out of his cell and I assume he’s not making it out of this episode, but instead of a trial, Loras confessed to everything, like, a whole buncha shit. I was waiting for buggery, but no buggery, I think he just used a different name for it. Anyway, he says that he’s done with his Tyrell name, he’ll never have kids, yada yada yada, but that’s not enough as the Sparrows carve that star into his head and Margaery is PISSED. The High Sparrow ain’t pressed tho, and he’s like, these things happen. He also said that Loras wouldn’t be released until Cersei’s trial, but she won’t leave the Red Keep, so he sends Lancel to get her. Of course, Cersei is chillin’ with her wine, mentally tellin’ mufuckas what they ain’t gon’ do today, and when Tommen goes to head to the trial, he’s greeted by FrankenMountain, and that’s when you knew it was about to be ON. Then you have Pycelle, who follows that kid under the Sept into a room with Qyburn, who says that he has no ill will towards Pycelle….but apparently this gang of little kids do. They stabbed the shit outta Pycelle, b. That has to be a record for most times one person has been stabbed in this show.

Margaery knows something is going on with Cersei and Tommen not being there, and says there is some sort of trap, but the High Sparrow is arrogant and was like, meh, it’ll be fine. So Margaery is like, fuck this, and tries to leave, but the Sparrows hold her back. Meanwhile, no one is looking for Lancel, who has followed another kid under the Red Keep, and then the kid stabs him in the spine. He gets to crawling, and it seemed like that dude was on the ground for hours, and he’s crawling, and he’s crawling…and then he discovers the wildfire that they’ve mentioned like, three times in the most recent episodes (I called it firewater in my notes, I was close). He sees a candle and does everything he can to get there to put it out, but he doesn’t get there in time and BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM……down goes the Sept, the High Sparrow, Margaery and Loras, the Faith Militant, EVERYONE. We have two points of view here: one is Cersei, who is smirking with what might be her third glass of wine, and then there is Tommen…..who stares out of the window in disbelief, takes his crown off, we hear him sit it down, and then back to the window and doesn’t even hesitate, just walks the fuck out. So there is the prophecy; it was foretold that Cersei’s kids would all die. I don’t know if her having anything to do with it was in there, but they’re gone.

AND THEN, Cersei walks in a room where the big-ass nun is strapped to a table, and she is telling the nun to confess, and pouring wine all over her face. You KNOW Cersei hates you if she’s wasting wine on you. Cersei then confesses to killing her husband and fucking her brother and doing all sorts of shit on the strength of feeling good, and the nun is like fuck it, I’m ready to die, I’m good. But no, no, no, Cersei ain’t ready for that yet….she brings in FrankenMountain, who takes off his mask, and we don’t know what he is doing to her as Cersei leaves, but we hear the blood-curdling screams and it surely can’t be good for ol’ nun, and Cersei walks off repeating “Shame, Shame”, because she’s Queen Petty.

However, a damper is put on the party when Qyburn tells Cersei that Tommen is dead, and she’s like, welp, burn him and put him with his grandfather, brother and sister, and it’s there that hits Cersei, her whole damn family is dead….all she has left is Jaime. No mention of Robert, tho, which isn’t surprising. But Jaime’s reaction is the best as he and Bronn return from Riverrun with King’s Landing burning, and he’s like, fuck, what did she do now. He walks in just in time to see Cersei being crowned Queen of the Seven Kingdoms by Qyburn, and yo…….CERSEI IS ON THE FUCKIN’ THRONE. The season is a success for me because I just wanted Cersei to get revenge and then die, but to put her on the throne? Something that she tried to run with Robert, then killed him, then her sons, and that didn’t work out. But she should be careful because the Iron Throne isn’t really the place to be if you want to live. And besides, Cersei’s plans ALWAYS backfire, so it’s only a matter of time before that shit comes crashing down. However. The Revenge of Cersei is complete and the High Sparrow is dead, so I’m good.

-Quickly, we stopped in Dorne where Ellaria had called Lady O for a meeting, and Lady O is not in the mood for anything. She needs some backup as she blames Cersei for the deaths of Margaery and Loras, and rightly so, oh, and her son, their father, also died at the Sept. Ellaria is all about some Lannister vengeance, but not before Lady O cusses out all three of the Sand Snakes for no reason other than they exist. I love that lady. No one makes some feel small better than Lady O, them bars cut like a knife. But then Varys is revealed, and I’ll tell you what I think that is all about in the next section. So that’s where he was going, but wouldn’t tell Tyrion.

-Finally, we end in Meereen, where Dany breaks up with Daario, which kinda came outta nowhere, but I was okay with it. He is to stay there with the Second Sons and make sure Meereen is smooth, and he’s on some “please baby baby please” shit, but Dany is like, nah, I got shit to do. She tried him as a piece, and it was lowkey hilarious to see the shoe on the other foot, far different from what we’re used to seeing in, well, 90% of television shows outchea. And he’s mad at Tyrion, who is sitting outside and waiting for Dany to see how Daario took the news (meh, he was fine, probably went to a brothel).

Tyrion tries to console her, but Dany is more worried that she doesn’t feel anything about it. The two sit down and talk about what they believe in, and Tyrion didn’t believe in anything, but he believes in her and I’m not going through the shit word for word, but I wouldn’t be surprised if both Emilia Clarke and Peter Dinklage used this as their Emmy scene (even though neither of them should win). Just the way it was shot, with them in the frame and the window behind them….this is the shit we’ve been building towards and what I’ve been waiting for since Tyrion got to Meereen. He even said it: she has ships, an army, some big-ass dragons….only one thing left to do. As I mentioned before, the Targaryens aren’t liked in King’s Landing, but who cares….she has all of the aforementioned things. Anyway, Dany makes Tyrion the Hand of the Queen and he kneels, but hey, he has been the Hand before. We close with Yara and Theon and the Iron Fleet (and I assume Euron is building, what, ship #17 of 1,000 at this point), and then Dany, Missandei, Tyrion and Varys on another ship, with Drogon up above. Dany is FINALLY going to Westeros, and she better not make any damn stops along the way. And yeah, Varys…..he got back in time (don’t worry about how long it took for all this, Dorne is kinda close to Meereen and that shit doesn’t mean anything in this show). So he’s aligning Dany and ’em with Dorne and Highgarden against the Lannisters? Tyrion won’t mind, although he’ll do his best to save Jaime, which isn’t likely considering that, you know, he kinda killed Dany’s father. And yo, whatever happen to Melisandre #2, that knew all about Varys’ past and had him shook?

And that was that. The end to Season 6, which might be just after Season 4 for my favorite season, and this was one of the best episodes of the series, hands down. I’m fine with there being fewer episodes in the season (there are seven slated for next season) if they’re going to be longer, and if they’re all this good. I’m not even gon’ speculate on what will happen next season, I’ma let this season marinate and we’ll deal with all that shit over the next ten months, which seems like a long time, but we’ll get through it.

Season 6 MVP: Lena Headey as Cersei. Honorable mention for Sophie Turner as Sansa. I wanted it to be Maisie Williams as Arya, but that storyline dragged for a while.

Thanks for reading and making this the most fun I’ve had since starting this blog, and I haven’t figured out what’s next yet. But whatever it is, it won’t be as fun as Game Of Thrones, the king of television right now.

Game Of Thrones S06E09 – Battle Of The Bastards

It was the week everyone was waiting for. Game Of Thrones usually gets it poppin’ with Episode 9, up until last year, when that shit was upstaged by the prior episode: the battle at Hardhome. Then the episode title was released and “Battle of the Bastards” was supposed to bring it back. Did it? I’m sure everyone is happy with the result, but I’m not sure on the path they took to get there. Let’s go….

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-Alright, so it’s nice and easy, two locations this week and we’ll obviously start with Meereen, where Dany is lookin’ at Tyrion like a mother who caught her kid having a party while she was out. Dany wants to kill the slavers, but Tyrion suggests some sort of surrender plan, so they set up a meeting with the leaders of Yunkai, Volantis and Astapor. The masters suggest that Dany and Tyrion leave, but they also get the Unsullied and Missandei will go back into slavery and her dragons will be slaughtered. Man, it’s hilarious that all these dudes in this show just think they can roll over Dany, like she ain’t got some big-ass dragons. So she looks at them like, oh that plan just won’t do, this was about your surrender…..and up flies Drogon, big as shit, and Dany rides him off into the sky, and they’re joined by Rhaegal and Viseron. You know Drogon was like, yo, I know moms fucked up by locking you away, and we’ll deal with that later. Right now, we got some thangs to take care of. Meanwhile, Daario and the Dothraki ambush the Sons of the Harpy, who are just killing everything in sight, and the soldiers that were with the masters were like, man, fuck this, and they peaced out with the quickness. So the masters are left, and Grey Worm says that one of them have to die, and two of the masters (Yunkai and Volantis) immediately point to the Astapor homie…..Grey Worm is like, y’all hoes ain’t loyal, and cuts both of their throats. Then Tyrion walks up to Astapor and tells him to go and spread the word that Dany will fuck your whole life up if need be.

Shortly after, Theon and Yara get to Meereen to talk to Dany, and they say that they’ll offer the Iron Fleet if she’ll help them kill Euron, who has to be on, what, ship #17 of 1,000 at this point. They wonder why Theon isn’t leading, and Tyrion makes some cracks from what he knows of what he did at Winterfell, but Theon says that Yara is in charge and Yara tries to lowkey holla at Dany on some “I’m down if you are” type game. I can imagine Tyrion chillin’ with a glass of wine watchin’ and shit. Dany says she will, but the Ironborn can’t rape and pillage anymore and Yara is like, WHAT ELSE ARE WE GON’ DO? But she agrees and Queen Latifah’s “Ladies First” plays in the background. It was a great week for the GOT ladies, which is nice for a change. I’ve always said that women have carried this show, and they dominated this week.

For me, this was the best part of the episode. Why? Dragons, b. Three of ’em. But Dany needs to be gettin’ on the go soon. Get out of Slavers Bay. At least start making your way to the Iron Islands, Westeros in general, really. Just do something. This was very cool and all, but we’ve seen Dany save the day too many times and then not to do anything.

That being said, this was pretty fucking cool.

-Now, to the North, where Jon, Sansa, Tormund and Davos meet up with Ramsay and Smalljon Umber to talk about this battle. Ramsay says he’ll let Jon go for breaking his Night’s Watch vows, which is hilarious because the Night’s Watch is full of criminals and bastards and I don’t know why they follow these vows, but whatever, fine. Oh, and Ramsay wants his wife, Sansa, back. Jon is like, all these people don’t have to die….why don’t we just fight and Ramsay is like, I heard you were good and I’m not about that one-on-one life and my army can beat your half-army. Jon tries to make Ramsay guilty, saying that his men won’t fight for him if Ramsay won’t fight them, and Ramsay really gives no fucks about all that and instead, threatens Rickon, and we’ll get to that fuckboy in a minute. They ask how they can trust that they have him, and Smalljon throws Shaggydog’s head at them. Sansa is like, fuck y’all and you, you’re dying tomorrow, and rides off. So, it’s about to go down. And this was Jon’s first mistake, actin’ like Ramsay has feelings and shit.

Then the crew discuss what they’re up against and their battle plan, and Sansa tells them that they don’t have enough men, but Jon is like, NOAP, this is how we’re doing this. Sansa then gets up in arms because they didn’t ask her what she thought….and she’s right. No one knows Ramsay better than Sansa, for better or for worse, and she could have told Jon that tryna guilt Ramsay wouldn’t work worth a damn. She also points out that he likes to play with people, which we see later on. But Sansa has more on the line than any of these people: if they lose this, she has to go back to Ramsay, and she says she’ll kill herself if that happens. Which is fair; shoutout to Sansa to not killing herself when she was with him.

Next, Davos and Tormund are talking about the wildlings’ battle with Stannis, and they come to the conclusion that they were probably serving the wrong king, but you serve who you serve and that is that. Tormund says he’s going to drink some goat’s milk, while Davos says he’s walking out far enough to take a dump and Tormund tells him, “happy shitting”. Everyone has their pre-battle routines, I guess. Davos gets out to the pyre where Shireen was burned, and he finds the wooden stag that he made for her, because it’s not like it hasn’t snowed a bunch there since then and it hasn’t been windy or whatever, but hey, Davos gotta get pumped up somehow. Then Jon goes to see Melisandre, and he tells her not to bring him back if he dies, and she’s like, bruh, they’re gon’ ask me and I have to try, but it’s up to the Lord of Light. Ain’t that some passin-the-buck shit.

So now, it’s go time. The armies meet up and Ramsay has Rickon tied up, and he tells the youngest Stark that they’re gon’ play a game. The game is for Rickon to run towards Jon, but he has to run, which he does, and Ramsay pulls out his bow. Rickon starts to run towards Jon, and yo……I mean, Rickon, I know you’ve been gone for a while, and you don’t even have to be the next Barry Sanders (NFL running back, shifty as all hell, I know some of y’all won’t get that). But Jesus everlovin’ Christ, can you tuck and roll? Zig-zag just a little? Turn around, see where the arrow is and move? SOMETHING? Dogg, you can’t just run in a straight fuckin’ line and not expect to die. Then on the other side and this was brought up to me by a friend, Jon got off his horse, walked 20 feet, was like, yup, that’s Rickon, then he had to walk all the way back to said horse and then get going…..stay on your fuckin’ horse, bruh. Anyway, they’re running towards each other and Ramsay missed twice, but we all know that he wouldn’t miss a third and it would happen right before he got to Jon. This is where my problems started with this battle, but we’ll keep going. Then Jon gets off his horse and waits for the cavalry to come and again, this was pointed out to me by a friend (thanks, Melissa). It was filmed in such a way that Jon looked like he was lighter than everyone else, and it was like this throughout the battle. Is he the Lord of Light? He’s something. I don’t know what, I assumed it was just because it is Jon Snow and everyone is so pressed for him to be the savior of everything. But there is something to it, for sure. But go back a minute to when the two cavalries meet and it just sounds like a thousand NFL offensive lines colliding. I’ve never understood these battles where mufuckas just rush with their swords pointed straight out, like, I’ma stick this mufucka out and if you get hit, your fault. Meanwhile, they’re doing the same thing, and if you’re on the front line, that’s gotta SUCK.

They get to fightin’ and if there is one thing I’ll always say about Jon Snow, that dude is a helluva swordsman, like Ramsay said earlier. I won’t go through every fight, obviously, but he was mowing mufuckas DOWN left and right, and the filming of this whole thing was reminiscent of Saving Private Ryan, so I’ll never say that wasn’t cool to watch. But then the Bolton army surrounds Jon’s army in a horseshoe formation, and this is a brilliant move by Ramsay. They basically push them in the middle and no one in the Stark army can do anything, really, except Wun Wun, who was ripping people literally in half and that shit was great. Then there are piles of bodies and dead horses and all sorts of shit, and Jon somehow gets tramples by either retreating wildlings or incoming Boltons, hell, probably both, I don’t really care, he was gettin’ trampled by mufuckas, tho. Then, problem #2: Jon is running out of air, but I keep waiting for when he burst out of the feet and people and takes that big gasp of air…….then he did it and I hit the most vicious sideeye of the whole season. And really, this is my biggest issue with this battle and why I don’t think it was better than Hardhome. I never once, ever in life, thought that Jon was in danger of dying. Maybe it’s because he has already died once and they brought him back. But at Hardhome, I thought there was a genuine chance he could die, even though I’m not a Jon Snow fan, I thought he could. This time, I don’t care if he was trampled by a thousand horses and Boltons and Ramsay shoved a spear in his ass, at no point in this episode did I ever think Jon was going to die. And then, of course, just as Jon and ’em are gettin’ worked, a horn sounds and here comes the Knights of the Vale, while Sansa and Littlefinger are chillin’ on a hill and Ramsay is like, what in the fuck…..I didn’t plan for this at all. While this is happening, Smalljon was kickin’ Tormund’s ass, but he looks to see the Vale and Tormund goes full-on Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead and bites that mufucka’s whole throat out. That was the best part of the battle, for me.

Sidenote: some people on Reddit did this thing where they confirmed that Sansa was writing a letter to Littlefinger. We ALL knew that was who she was writing, but some know-it-all mufuckas were pressed to be like, OOOOOOOOOH LOOK, I KNOW  I KNOW. You’re a dickhole if you participate in this. Watch the show like everyone else. Spend that time being a better person so, MAYBE, someone can love you.

Anyway, the Vale is runnin’ shit and Ramsay is like, I’m out, back to Winterfell and close the gates. But he forgets that the Starks have a giant, and Wun Wun busts through the door like a big-ass Kool-Aid Man. However, he also have enough arrows in him that he looks like a human that ran through a field of hitchhikers (don’t front like you don’t know what they are), and is brought down from an arrow to the eye from Ramsay. This was the most upset I was through the whole thing. Wun Wun went out like a fuckin’ G. The G-est of Gs. Pour somethin’ out for him. But Jon and ’em are through, and Ramsay is like, aye dogg, I was just playin’, how about that one-on-one battle you suggested, and started firing arrows at him. But Jon grabs a shield and just keeps going forward until he gets to Ramsay, and sweet Jesus, he starts kicking his ass and it sounds like someone punching raw steaks. But then Sansa shows up and Jon is like, you know what, you deserve this and again, predictable. So they take down the Bolton banners and the Starks are back in Winterfell, and it was nice to see the wolf banner back there after the Starks have taking more Ls than Steph Curry is right now. When was the last time they got a win? Hell, a tie? I’m not sure they’ve taking one. Jon orders that Rickon is buried in the crypts next to Ned, and Sansa is like, where is he, so Jon tells her down in a cell. Ramsay is a mess, but he says that she’ll never be rid of him because he is a part of her…….AYE YO, SANSA PREGNANT, DOGG? SANSA PREGNANT! Man, I’d throw that baby off the highest cliff so fast, it wouldn’t even be funny. Punt that shit like it was a football. But Sansa gets the last laugh (for now) as she releases his hounds on Ramsay, who hasn’t fed them in a week, he said, and he’s like, they won’t eat me. You ain’t fed them in a week, bruh. He tries to tell them to get down, and they did……ON HIS FACE. They start tearing at him as Sansa walks away to the sound of his screams, with a smile.

My take on this battle is that, no matter how they got here, everyone was just happy for Ramsay to be dead. The battle was fantastic, visually stimulating and all that. I just found it to be wildly predictable from start to finish. But hey, Ramsay died, so this is apparently the best battle ever. Here are my GOT Battle Power Rankings:

  1. Hardhome
  2. Blackwater
  3. Battle of Winterfell (this one)
  4. Castle Black (and you might be able to switch these if you wanted to)
  5. Whatever they’re callin’ the Stannis joint from last season.

It was fine. It was very good. It wasn’t the best, tho. I chalk it up to recency bias and the fact that Ramsay died, and fuck him. And fair enough, I guess. But the fact that I can think of two battles that are way better and it’s not even close, shows you the high standard to watch Game Of Thrones is held, and usually delivers.

Now, on to the finale, which is 69 minutes long and supposed to be packed with surprises, but I’m staying away from previews because I just wanna watch it on Sunday night and be done with it. I assume it’ll be largely filled with Cersei, they’d have to touch on Bran, a little bit of….actually, you know what? I’m not making predictions. Shit will be almost 70 minutes, so we might see everyone before going into the offseason. Let’s fuckin’ get it. One more week.

 

 

Game Of Thrones S06E05 – The Door

We’ve reached the halfway point of Season 6 of Game Of Thrones with “The Door”, which I thought was going to involve the moon door because Littlefinger is back and we haven’t seen it for a while. Boy, was I ever wrong. Let’s go……..

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-Let’s start at the Wall, where Sansa gets a letter from Littlefinger, so she heads to Mole’s Town with Brienne to basically give him shit about giving her to Ramsay. She hit Littlefinger with all of the ether, asking if he knew what Ramsay was about (he did) and what he did to her (rape was really the best-case scenario for her, as fucked as that is). Littlefinger was like, yo, I got an army and we’ll protect you and Sansa wasn’t tryna hear it at all. She wants to get Brienne to kill him, but not really, even though he probably deserves it. But Littlefinger does tell her that her great-uncle Brynden Tully, uncle of her mother Catelyn, has taken Riverrun and she should holla at him to to help her. We haven’t seen Brynden since Season 3, and he went to pee outside, which is how he missed out on getting slaughtered at the Red Wedding. Anyway, Sansa says she has her brother’s wildlings and Littlefinger was like, half-brother….which is true, but ballsy when you’re walking past Brienne, who wouldn’t need a sword to fuck my man up.

Then Sansa meets up with Jon, Davos, Melisandre and the crew to figure out what the plan is for this war. They name a buncha smaller houses that they could enlist, then Sansa tells Jon about their great-uncle’s army, but she lies about where she got the information. Brienne calls her out on it later, and Sansa is like, fuck that, you go south and talk to Brynden about it. Also, Brienne was like, I dunno about that Tormund fella. Little does she know….he’s about to get all in that ass. I don’t know why I’m so excited to see this. But one thing that stood out to me: Brienne doesn’t trust Melisandre for obvious reasons and she tells Sansa about the Vagina Shadow Monster that killed Renly. If I’m Sansa, I’m like, sooooooooo can we use this magic or what? The hell with these past beefs, there is no time for that anymore. Deal with that later after we take down this dude that rapes and flays mufuckas. Get Melisandre to put that VSM to work.

-Dany is chillin’, lookin’ quite good for someone that just killed a slew a mufuckas and walked out of some fire. She tells Jorah that she banished him twice and he keeps coming back, and he saved her life, which I’m not sure how much he actually did, but whatever, it’s fine. Then Lord Friend Zone finally tells Dany how he feels, and Daario is chillin’ in the back like, is this old dude really taking my place right now? Jorah shows her the greyscale and Dany orders him to go and find a cure, and come back to her because she can’t rule Westeros without him. Dany and Daario take the Dothraki, I don’t know, I guess back to Meereen, while Jorah goes his own way. Goddamn, Daario didn’t even do anything and just took a big-ass L. He’s lucky with all the shit he talked, Jorah ain’t put the greyscale in his mouth.

-Move to Braavos, where Arya is still gettin’ fucked up by the Waif, who keeps calling her Lady Stark and basically tells her she ain’t about this life. Then ol’ vague-ass Jaqen comes him to tell her about an actress that he wants to give a gift to, from the Many-Faced God, and it’s a vial of poison. I’m getting real sick of this vague-ass mufucka. So she goes to see this play, which is a comic reenactment of the War of the Five Kings, so we see Robert’s death and we also see them make Ned look like a fool, and I thought Arya was gon’ bust someone’s ass right there. But she stays focused on her target, the woman playing Cersei, and she sneaks to the back. We also see a close-up of a warty penis. Well, I assume it was warty. I didn’t look close enough. Was it relevant? Fuck no. But how much irrelevant nudity have we seen in this show? A fuck ton. Gotta take the bad with the good, bruh. And they showed some tittays like, immediately afterwards. We’ll all be fine. Anyway, Arya says she’s gon’ poison ol’ girl and it’ll be blamed on her understudy, and then Jaqen goes on about something about a servant. I don’t know, I went to the bathroom. I fuckin’ hate this dude.

-Tyrion and Varys are in Meereen, concocting a plan to keep Dany’s name in good stead with everyone. But they realize that they need a local face for their plan, so they holla at Kinvara, who rolls with the Lord of Light, so she’s one of Melisandre’s homegirls. Varys is skeptical about Kinvara because of how wrong Melisandre was about Stannis, who was supposed to be the Prince That Was Promised, but Kinvara thinks it is Dany. But Kinvara then goes in on Varys of how he got to be a eunuch and she gets why he is mad because he got jacked by a second-rate sorceror. Even Tyrion was like, ooooooooh bitch, she went there? And we know Varys for always being so calm and cool, but we’ve NEVER seen him this shook before. She seems to be on board, but now Tyrion doesn’t know what to do and Varys, he’s a mess.

Shoutout to the actor that plays Varys, Conleth Hill. There are a lot of great actors on Game Of Thrones, and in bigger roles. But Hill has never looked out of place, especially these last couple seasons with Peter Dinklage. Dude is a beast.

-Now we’re at the Iron Islands, where Yara lays claim to the Salt Throne and Theon backs her up. But they’re interrupted by Euron Greyjoy, fresh off killing his brother and their father, Balon, and he admits that he did it. But Euron actually has a plan when he becomes king: he wants to marry Dany, which pairs him with her army and dragons, then they can wreck shop. While he kinda came outta nowhere and is kind of a dick…..that’s actually not a bad plan if he can execute it. So he gets the crown because the Ironborn aren’t progressive and not about having a woman lead them, even though Yara has proven herself. Euron has to do some bullshit where he is baptized, and then almost dies before they pull him to land and he finally coughs up a buncha water. There has to be a better way to crown a king, right? I wonder how many mufuckas died during that shit.

Anyway, Yara and Theon sneak off and steal the best boatsto go, I don’t know, not there, and Euron orders a thousand ships to be built so he can go after them. I don’t know how long it takes to build a thousand ships, but it seems like Yara and Theon will be long gone by the time they’re done. This storyline is finally starting to pique my interest.

-Alright, so we’re beyond the Wall with Bran and ’em now, and he’s going in and out of his visions, and he sees one of the Children, Leaf, the main one, pushing a dragonglass dagger through a dude’s chest….this dude’s eyes turn White Walker blue. Bran is pissed that the Children actually made the White Walkers, but Leaf says they had to defend themselves from the First Men, the first people to live in Westeros. Then he does his warg thing again and ends up going back to a tree from the first vision, but now it’s winter…..and he’s right up against the army of the dead, which he walks through like mufuckas in The Walking Dead that smear the zombie guts on themselves. He ends up face-to-face with four White Walkers, including the Night’s King, who actually sees Bran and then touches his arm. He wakes up and the Three-Eyed Raven is like, the fuck did I tell you? Well now, he touched you, and they’re coming and you gotta get the fuck outta here, b. In no time, the army of the dead ends up outside of their cave and the Night’s King leads the crew through fire and shit, into the cave, while Meera tries to wake up Bran, who is having another vision, and so is the Three-Eyed Raven, who tells Bran that he has to die and Bran will take his place. Bran asks if he’s ready for that and the Three-Eyed Raven is like, NOAP, but you don’t have a choice in the matter since you wanted to go wargin’ into mufuckas when I told you not to, ol’ can’t-walk ass. So Meera and the Children are doing their best to fight off the White Walkers and they’re holding their own, but Meera is yelling at Bran to wake up. Meanwhile, Bran is watching Ned say goodbye to his father, Rickard, before he goes to the Vale, and Rickard tells Ned to not fight, but if he has to fight, win. Bran eventually wakes up and wargs into present Hodor, as well as past Hodor, or Wylis as he was known. And while all this is happening, Meera kills a White Walker with a dagger…..a dragonglass dagger. So the shit is out there, it’s just a matter of getting enough to kill off, oh, I don’t know, roughly three million wights and White Walkers. No biggie.

Hodor picks up Bran and they start running for the door, but Bran’s direwolf Summer is killed tryna hold off the wights, and they fuck him up good. Leaf also dies as she waits for all of them to surround her, and uses a magic bomb (that’s the technical term, I promise….no, I don’t) to kill them all. The Night’s King gets to where the Three-Eyed Raven is, and kills him, and he dies in Bran’s vision also. Bran, Meera and Hodor get to the back door and trap the wights and White Walkers in the cave, and Meera yells at Hodor to “hold the door” so she and Bran can get away. Flashback to the past, where Wylis has a seizure and falls to the ground, repeating the phrase, “hold the door” until it morphs into “Hodor”. Skip back to Hodor getting his body torn apart by the wights as he is holding the door. Like, his face and chest and shit.

BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH..

There are a lot of times in this show that I’ve heard people say, I’m out, I’m not doing this anymore. It took me six seasons to get there. I’m obviously not going to stop watching, but my heart fucking broke to watch how Hodor got his name, the seizure, and the fact that he was put here for that reason: to help Bran. I haven’t felt this way about Game Of Thrones since the Red Wedding. I might have smoked back-to-back cigarettes after that scene. And now mufuckas are gon’ have to deal with White Walker Hodor, who is surely gon’ be a BEAST. How the hell do you stop that?

And how far does Meera think she can get with Bran? They’re obviously not dying, well, he’s not, but she’s not that strong and those wights seem to be fuckin’ fast. And it’s snowing and cold out. And Bran can’t fuckin’ walk. It’ll be interesting to see how that turns out.

That was emotionally draining. I try not to get too emotionally involved in shows, but goddammit, this one got me. Hodor was just tryna help. But it’s all part of the prophecy and now Bran gotta win, because if Hodor died for nothing, I’ll be livid. Overall, the episode was alright, essential to the plot and whatnot. But the Bran stuff pushed it over the top and as I said last week (I think), a not-great episode of Game Of Thrones is still better than 96% of anything on TV right now. So we’ll probably go back to Cersei, Jaime and Lady O going after the Sparrows next week, we might go to Dorne (but I don’t care if we do or not), and Ramsay will probably be somewhere killin’ people. But we’re on the downhill side of the Game Of Thrones mountain now for Season 6, so prepare to get your heart shat on a few more times.

Game Of Thrones S06E04 – Book Of The Stranger

I bet y’all were pretty excited for this episode of Game Of Thrones. I was initially as well. And as always, it was a great episode. But some of your favorites, one in particular, I’m not really impressed with what they pulled off in “Book Of The Stranger”. Let’s go.

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-Let’s start at the Vale, where we get the return of Littlefinger, and he is greeted by Robin Arryn, who would still be breastfeeding as a teenager if Littlefinger ain’t push his mother out the moon door. Littlefinger accuses Lord Yohn Royce (thank you, GOT Wikia, because I ain’t know this dude’s name at all) of snitching on Sansa’s location to the Boltons, and after giving Robin a pet falcon for his birthday (good luck tryna tame that, homie), he puts Royce’s life on the line. Robin suggests the moon door for Royce, and Littlefinger knows that he can suggest anything and Robin will listen, so instead, he gets Royce to pledge his loyalty to House Arryn in exchange for not dying. Then Littlefinger suggests to Robin that they rally the troops and head to the Wall, where Sansa has probably hollered at Jon, and Robin’s dumb ass is like, sure, bruh. Littlefinger is so underrated. How many major plots has he been behind without anyone knowing? He might be the most ambitious character in Game Of Thrones….and now he has an army. Shoutout to him knowing where Sansa would go, too.

-Up at the Wall, Edd is tryna persuade Jon to stay on as Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, but Jon is like, nah, it said that if I gave my life, my watch has ended…..mufuckas ain’t say shit about coming back to life, and loopholes are a bitch, ain’t they? But just then, the gates open for Sansa, Brienne and Pod, and when Sansa and Jon see each other, it’s pretty dope since they’ve both been through a lot. But, that being said, Sansa admits she was awful to Jon when they were children because he was a bastard. That’s why he is hesitant when Sansa unfurls her plan to take back Winterfell from the Boltons, using the wildlings. Jon is like, well, one, I’ve killed a buncha people and I’m tired, and two, you were really an asshole to me growing up. He didn’t even like Winterfell; he volunteered to go to the Night’s Watch if I remember correctly. So why in the hell should he help Sansa? Because he’s Jon Snow and honorable and all that bullshit. And you know that he will, so don’t be pressed. And it happens later as Ramsay sends a letter to the Wall, telling Jon that he has Rickon in a dungeon and if Sansa isn’t returned to him, he’s killing the wildlings, let his boys run trains on Sansa, and feeding Rickon to the dogs. I wonder if Ramsay has a ghostwriter, because those bars he dropped were fearsome, yet elegant, and he kept hittin’ Jon with that “bastard” like he was Cam’ron, ending each bar with the same word (just trust me on this one, shoutout to Dip Set). So obviously, Sansa convinces Jon to roll out with the wildlings and ask some people around the North as there are about 2,000 of them, and about 5,000 of Ramsay. So your favorite, Jon Snow, will be the one to take down Ramsay. Which is fine. He obviously isn’t going to die again. Special honorable mention in this scene is Tormund, eatin’ chicken and lookin’ at Brienne with fuck-me eyes and Brienne is so uncomfortable that she might fight him….then they’ll end up having all of the sex. And we’ll see it, too. I’ll watch it, too. That shit will be good and gross.

Then there is Davos talking to Melisandre, who says that she’ll listen to only Jon, and she won’t tell him what happened to Shireen because, yeah Davos, Stannis sacrificed ya little buddy. But Brienne rolls up on them to say that she remembers Renly being killed by Melisandre’s vagina shadow monster (you come up with a better name for it), that she doesn’t forgive or forget, and she killed Stannis after he admitted to killing Renly with blood magic. Melisandre better at least let Brienne get some before she brings out the VSM again.

-Quickly, in the Iron Islands, Theon finds his way back to Yara, who is grieving their father, and she goes on him about how she brought men to get him away from Ramsay and they died. Theon says that he was broken into a thousand pieces, and he’s right, and she thinks that he wants to come back and claim the throne. Theon might want it eventually, but not right now, and that he’s willing to help her take the throne. Meh. They’ll probably end up helping Jon against Ramsay. They better or they don’t really serve much of a purpose.

-Speaking of our lovable Ramsay, he calls for Osha, ol’ girl that was riding with Rickon. He’s peeling an apple, and you should just assume that something is happening in his scene. She talks shit about the Starks, and tries to seduce Ramsay by straddling him and putting her hand down his pants, and Ramsay plays along, but he tells her that she pulled this shit with Theon to get Bran and Rickon out of Winterfell. She tries to stab him with a knife and he gets her first, stabbing her in the neck. Point of this scene? If you ain’t know by now, Ramsay Bolton ain’t playin’. Also, if you didn’t know that by now, you should just stop watching Game Of Thrones.

-Let’s hit King’s Landing. That big-ass nun opens Margaery’s cell and takes her to the High Sparrow, and Margaery wants to see Tommen and her family, but he’s like, NAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. He tells her some story about when he used to party and sin, and I bet he was buck wild when he partied, doing lines off strippers and shit. He came to some awakening while this was happening and found the Faith of the Seven, and I blanked out when he was speaking, once again. But he is impressed that she knows the Book of the Stranger, which sounds like a sex move, and takes her to see her brother Loras, who is just a damn mess. Margaery tries to tell him to be strong and he’s like, nah, bruh, we gotta make this stop. That’s all he kept saying. What in the hell are they doing to him?

Then we head over to the Red Keep, where Cersei finds Pycelle with Tommen, and he wants Tommen to give in to the High Sparrow. Cersei ain’t about that at all and gets Pycelle outta here, and he slowly shuffles outta the room, staring at Cersei the whole way. That shuffle was good, bruh. That’s how I figure I’ll be moving when I get that age. Anyway, Tommen says he talked to the High Sparrow and Cersei was like, dammit, they got to him, and she’s like, nah, you’re the King, they humiliated your mother and your wife is next. We gotta go at his head. Then Cersei, with Jaime, heads over to the Small Council, where Uncle Kevan and Lady O are chillin’, and it’s all fun and games partyin’ on Cersei until she tells them that Margaery is next for the walk of atonement, and yo…..if you have it recorded, or you can find it, just pause it when the camera switches to Lady O. I swear to God, she wanted to take her earrings off and be like, not my damn grandbaby, OH HELL NO. So they convince her to get her big-ass army, come in and roll over the Sparrows while the Baratheon/Lannister armies sit back and chill. Cersei also reminds Uncle Kevan that the Sparrows took Lancel, his son, Cersei’s cousin and our introduction to the Sparrows. So now, Cersei has the Tyrell army and FrankenMountain. GODDAMN, A LOTTA PEOPLE ARE ABOUT TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE.

-Meereen is next, and Tyrion is backed up by Grey Worm and Missandei, meeting with the Masters of Yunkai, Astapor and Volantis. Grey Worm wants to fight, but yo, we saw y’all against the Sons of the Harpys last season; for being such great fighters, y’all let a buncha cilivians punk you, bruh. But Tyrion suggests that, maybe, they ease the abolishing of slavery, giving the Masters seven years to get out of the game. Missandei and Grey Worm aren’t really happy about this, they do put on a united front with Tyrion, who also gives women to the Masters to persuade them. I’m not really sure what Tyrion’s plan is here, and it seems like a really bad move. But again, dragons listen to him, so if push comes to shove, he has that. They all just need to get outta there, I’m getting pretty tired of Meereen.

-Finally, we’re in Vaes Dothrak, where Jorah and Daario figure out where Dany is. Daario is tryna make jokes about how Dany picked him, and Jorah is like, man, we ain’t got time for that petty shit right now. I think the old Daario could pull off not being a dickbutt…..this dude, I’m just waiting for him to die. Jorah convinces him to leave his weapons outside because you can’t carry weapons in the city, but just then, Daario sees the Greyscale infection on Jorah’s arm. Jorah says he’s fine and it hasn’t touched Daario, but I bet Daario will stop being petty now. So they sneak into the city at night and two Dothraki see them. Jorah tries to lie and say they’re merchants, but they just end up killing them because Jorah is a terrible liar. They even smash one dude’s head with a rock to make it seem like they didn’t bring it weapons, but I don’t think that really makes a difference. Cover your bases, tho, I guess.

Dany is chillin’ with the rest of the Khal widows, and the High Priestess is tryna talk to Dany, who doesn’t really care and excuses herself to go pee. She gets an escort, a lhazareen (not super important) whose khal died when she was 16. But they’re met by Jorah and Daario, who put a knife to her throat, but Dany is like, nah, calm down, she’s with me, she’s good. They want her to leave, but Dany knows that they probably won’t make it out alive, so she has a plan. Then there is the khalar vezhven, which is basically where all the khals meet to talk about stuff, and they’re tryna figure out what to do with her. A couple of them want to use her as a rape toy because that’s kinda what they do. Some want to make her their khaleesi, and some want to ransom her to the Wise Masters, who have a price on her head. Then Dany pipes up with, what about what I want, and they all look at her like she put an algebraic formula up on a blackboard, like, what do you mean? The Dothraki aren’t really here for the feelings of women; they lock them up in a temple when their khal dies, for fuck sakes. So Dany tells them that she doesn’t think any of them are fit to lead the Dothraki, but she is. They all laugh and the one that found her, Moro, says that she will indeed become a rape toy for not only the khals, but their bloodriders and then, their horses. Dany looks at him like, “O RLY”, and puts her hand in the middle, like, a torch or something (it’s called a brazier, it holds hot coals). She proceeds to burn the entire place down, and the place goes up fast as shit. Rod from The Black Guy Who Tips had the tweet of the night: “What the fuck? Is this place made of gasoline?” (y’all should check out the TBGWT podcast recaps for Game Of Thrones. They come out every Wednesday and they’re the best). She looks Moro dead in his eyes before throwing the last brazier on him, and everyone starts running towards the temple outside. Then, out comes naked Dany (no, I don’t know if it was a body double and I honestly don’t care. It’s the internet. I can see titties any time I want. Stop being pressed), walking out of the temple, and everyone starts bowing. Jorah and Daario are the last ones to bow, and Daario is confused because Jorah was there when she walked out of the pyre in, what, Season 1? He’s never seen anything like this and Dany looks at him like, mufucka, you BETTER get on your knees.

So, here is my thing with this: I’ve been riding with the Stormborn Gang for a long time now, basically since she walked out that pyre. I fucks with Dany, that’s my dogg. And cool, now she has another army. But what is this, army #3? She has had the Dothraki before through Drogo, then she bought the Unsullied, then she has the slaves willing to ride for her (although they’re not really fuckin’ with her right now). It seems like I’m forgetting one, as well. Point is, Dany has had backing before, but she has to make a decision: does she want to be a slave liberator, or does she want her throne back? Being a slave freer is fine and noble and all…..but this is a television show and I don’t care about them. Use all these people, go get your dragons, and stop playing Harriet Tubman. I’m happy she did this and all, but we’ve seen it before. Fucking DO SOMETHING WITH IT.

So next week, we need to get back to Bran, so he can finally confirm who is in the tower and storylines can start coming together. We’ll get back to Arya, I would assume, and probably Jon going around with his hand out, tryna build an army to go after Ramsay, which is also where Littlefinger comes in. I’m also ready to see Lady O get the Sparrows outta here, because I’m about done with them; they’re the only time I kinda zone out and not pay attention. Oh, and Dany and ’em should start making their way back to Meereen, and Tyrion’s deal will get thrown in the bushes, because the Dothraki will just kill everyone who opposes her. That was a nice GOT debut from Daniel Sackheim, who directed the last two episodes. Next up is Mark Mylod, who did “High Sparrow” and “Sons of the Harpy” from last season. He’ll take over the next two episodes. Almost at the halfway point; everyone is on the chess board now.

Game Of Thrones S05E07 – The Gift

Game Of Thrones took a beating with “Unbent, Unbowed, Unbroken“, and a lot of it has managed to cover up what has been an underwhelming couple of weeks. But business starts to pick up with “The Gift”, just in time as there are only three episodes left in the season. Let’s go…..

-Jon Snow is getting ready to head out with Tormund and get more wildlings, and Alliser looks like he can’t wait for Jon to leave so he can assume command of the Night’s Watch, and he also tells Jon that he thinks this is a mistake. Jon is like, oh, I know how you feel, but this is how it’s goin’ down. I think Alliser thinks all is good because Jon won’t make it back alive. He’ll be so mad when that doesn’t happen. Also, Sam gives Jon a dragonglass dagger like the one he used to kill the White Walker. I didn’t think they even had any more lying around.

-Maester Aemon is with Sam and Gilly and her baby, and he isn’t doing very well at all; I’d be surprised if he made it out of this episode. He tells Sam to get south, I think, before it’s too late, so the White Walkers are coming. They gotta be close, it’s been like, two seasons since we saw them last.

-Theon/Reek goes to take Sansa a meal, and she is a mess, bruised arms, crying in bed, possibly listening to a Mary J. Blige record. She begs Theon/Reek to take a candle to the broken tower, and she constantly tries to remind him of who he is, and he’s like, just do what he says and even though you say it can’t get worse, oh, it can. That little speech that Sansa gave him was very much like something like Catelyn would do. Sophie Turner has been really good this season.

-But does Theon/Reek go to the tower, even though he looks at it? No, no he doesn’t. He goes to Ramsey, who should be way bigger than he is, dude is ALWAYS eating when he isn’t terrorizing people. When is Theon/Reek gon’ die? I don’t even care if he’s redeemed anymore.

-Man, Winterfell looks MISERABLE.

-Cut to Brienne looking at the tower, waiting to see the candle, so she can storm the ring and clean house. How long before she says, “fuck a candle” and just rolls out?

-Aemon is talking to himself and he surely has to die soon, which he does, like, less than a minute later, so now there is only one Targaryen left in the Westerosi world that we know for sure. The Night’s Watch lays him to rest, but Alliser sidles up to Sam to say that all his friends are gone now. I’m sure if I did Fuckboy Rankings for this show, Alliser would be top five, easily.

-Sansa meets up with Ramsey, who tells her that he is thankful she isn’t ugly, which is about the biggest compliment you’ll get from Ramsey. He also seems to know that Stannis and ’em are en route, which is interesting because I don’t know they’d know, probably spy ravens or some shit. Then the two engage in a little back-and-forth about his validity to the throne since he is a bastard, even though he was naturalized by Tommen, who Sansa points out is also a bastard. But he throws back at her something about Jon, who she probably hasn’t even thought of in years, and then the knockout: he takes her to see the flayed body of the old woman that told her that the North remembered, and told her to light a candle. It’s also heavily implied that Theon/Reek betrayed her again. Just gotta burn down Winterfell and start over again, nothing good will come outta this place now.

-Davos tries to tell Stannis that it’s cold as shit, horses and people are dying and maybe they should head back to Castle Black to try and wait out the winter, but Stannis is like, nah, we said we would fight and now we gotta fight. Stannis then turns to Melisandre to be like, uh, you sure about all this? She says she has seen the visions of victory at Winterfell, but he might have to sacrifice someone else because they need King’s blood. That someone? Shireen, his daughter. Stannis is PISSED and is like, NOAP, you went too far now, you gotta get the fuck out. It took five seasons, but Stannis finally stands up to ol’ Shadow Vagina, who looks genuinely taken aback by his reaction.

-Two dudes roll up on Gilly and they’re tryna figure out if she’s really pretty, or pretty because she’s the only female around these parts, so you know they’re gon’ be on some bullshit right off the bat. They try to holla at her and she’s like, this is street harassment, and then Sam comes out with a sword…..and promptly gets his ass KICKED. These dudes are smackin’ fire out Sam’s ass, but he still got bars, talkin’ about he has killed a White Walker and a Thenn, he’ll take his chances against these two, who are about to step to him again. However, they’re greeted by Ghost, Jon’s direwolf, and they peace out. Sam passes out, but shoutout to Jon for leaving Ghost there. I think he did that on purpose because he knew people would test Sam and let’s keep it funky, we all know Sam ain’t shit when it comes to fighting.

-Gilly is cleaning up his cuts and telling him not to try that shit again, while Sam is like, I was pulllin’ that rope-a-dope on ’em, I was good. Anyway, I was just saying that she GOTTA give him a handjob at this point, I’ve been saying that since he saved her from the White Walker, but anyway, he gets more than a handjob and I think we can all agree that this “no sex life” rule for the Night’s Watch has been thrown in the bushes. Still, between this and Tommen/Margaery, this has been the season of the awkward sex scene for Game Of Thrones.

-Malko (the judges will also accept Mr. Eko from Lost or Adebisi from Oz because let’s keep it 100, he won’t be on the show long enough to need to know his real name) has Jorah up on the auction block. He sells Jorah to this guy, but Tyrion talks the buyer into taking him as well. Also, Tyrion kicks a dude’s ass for making fun of him and I’m like, how do you let a midget in shackles kick your ass? And where did this side of Tyrion come from? I guess when you’re mad, it just comes out.

-Dany and Daario are in bed talking, and Daario is a little jealous because Loraq is about to marry Dany, but everyone knows it is all political. Daario then suggests they get married and she’s the queen, so she can do whatever he wants, but that hasn’t worked out so far. He also suggests that when she goes to the re-opening of the fighting pits, she kill all the masters. She says she isn’t a butcher, but we’ve watched Dany nail slavers to crosses and feed masters to her dragons, so let’s not get all high and mighty, missus.

-Lady O visits the High Sparrow to try and negotiate a way out for Margaery and Loras, but he isn’t budging, sticking to his “laws of the gods” script. She offers money and then says she’ll stop sending food to King’s Landing, and she also points out that half of the city has been involved in some buggery, which will never not make me laugh. But he is holding strong in his beliefs and it isn’t even him, it’s up to the gods. It’s weird to see Lady O not getting her way, but she does point out that the Sparrows are also lawbreakers and this is kinda hypocritical, and she isn’t wrong. Also, as she leaves, she gets a note from someone.

-Tommen is freaking out that he can’t do anything about Margaery being locked up, or he thinks that he can’t, but he’s the fuckin’ king; he’s just being manipulated by Cersei, who tries to talk him out of starting a war. She says she’ll try to talk to the High Sparrow about this, and that she just wants him to be happy. Tyrion said it best about Cersei: she has two redeeming qualities, her cheekbones and her love for her children. However, the love for her children might take a backseat to the family name right now because this whole situation is about her tryna keep the Lannister name on top in these streets (yeah. Tommen’s last name is Baratheon, but we all know what’s good).

-Meanwhile, Jaime is in Dorne, getting visited by his daughter/niece Myrcella, who says that she has been here for years now and this is her home. This throws the entire timeline of the story off, but meh, Game Of Thrones has much larger things to worry about. Anyway, she’s getting married to Trystane and that’s all there is to it, and ol’ Goldenhand can’t do much about it.

-Bronn is singing ignorant songs about a Dornish wife down in his cell, which is across from the Sand Snakes. Also, shoutout to Jerome Flynn, who plays Bronn and actually has a very good voice that he has showed off in previous roles before this, and it was Bronn who introduced us to the song “The Rains Of Castamere” (the Lannister theme, and the name of the “Red Wedding” episode) prior to the Battle Of The Blackwater in Season 2. Anyway, one of the Sand Snakes asks if he thinks they’re beautiful and he’s like, nah, but then he starts bleeding from the nose, while she starts opening her robe. I had heard this last week on a few podcasts, people were wondering if the dagger Bronn was cut with was poisoned because that was a specialty of Oberyn. They were right as he passes out and the only antidote was in a vial that was held by this Sand Snake, who is now just teasing Bronn and wants him to say she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I didn’t like this at first, but she’s exerting her power over Bronn, who drinks the antidote and like, shit, that was close.

-Lady O meets Littlefinger at his trashed brothel, and she cuts right to the chase, saying that they’re now together because of the Joffrey plot (I think this is the first time they explicitly say it). She wants to know what his objective is, and Littlefinger gives her a little, but not all of it, and that he has a gift for her.

-At the fighting pits, the man who bought them gives a pep talk and introduces them to Dany, who is not here for any of this shit at all and wants to leave early, but Loraq says the people might take offense to it. Jorah sees her, gets his mask and runs into the ring like Hulk Hogan during a battle royal, wreckin’ shop. He kicks everyone’s asses while Tyrion is still in the back in chains, and a huge man cuts his chains so he can be free. Outside, Jorah takes off his mask to show himself to Dany, who is like, GET THIS MUFUCKA OUTTA MY SIGHT and I’m surprised she doesn’t order his death right there. However, he says he brought her a gift and out walks the imp to proclaim that he is the gift, and his name is Tyrion Lannister. I should have apologized to my neighbors, because I may have stood up and started cheering like it was a basketball game. I’ve been waiting for this since I found out it was even an option, and here is my reasoning for them being the leaders for the Iron Throne race (from a conversation with a friend):

“Dany has the army and she has dragons, but she has no idea how to lead and neither do the people around her and they have no idea what to do about King’s Landing, but Tyrion has grown up watching the game, both politically and militarily, and he did a damn good job when he was the King’s Hand”.

I’m not sure if this is how it will turn out, and stubborn-ass Dany has to first listen to what Tyrion has to say, but this scene pretty much made me forget about everything else that has happened this season.

-Cersei visits Margaery in her cell, and it’s so fucking petty. She says she doesn’t look like she has been eating and gives Margaery her leftovers, and that she’s tryna help, but Margaery is like, bitch you lyin’, you did this and throws stew at her, telling her to get out. Cersei walks out with that smirking smile that she has on in 70% of her scenes. Cersei always looks like she’s on the verge of laughing in your face.

-However, that turned into a frown quickly as Cersei visited the High Sparrow, who tells her about a young man who came to him a mess, but he told some stories that lifted the weight off his shoulders, and some of those stories involved her….and of course, it’s her cousin Lancel, who has ALL SORTS of dirt on Cersei, who tries to run away, but is stopped by guards. The High Sparrow is joined by Lancel and has a really creepy look on his face, while Cersei hits that “I’M THE QUEEN” joint that Margaery yelled as she was being taken away, and she tells the female guard to remember her face as it’s the last one that she’ll see before she dies. Man, like Rod from The Black Guy Who Tips always says, people who try to dance before they score the touchdown ALWAYS get burned in Game Of Thrones, and this is what happened to Cersei. The risk of premature partyin’, my friends.

-Littlefinger told Lady O he had a gift for her. Is Lancel the gift, or this entire situation? Either way, he had something to do with this.

Now, all I want next week is more Tyrion/Dany stuff, I assume we’ll get some Arya stuff, Tommen’s gon’ be lookin’ around like, uh, where did my wife and mother go, Melisandre will be plotting on how to get Shireen’s blood (does she need just a little blood or, like, for her to actually die?), someone gotta run up and save Sansa for fuck sakes….oh, and as terrible as Winterfell and Castle Black looked, winter HAS to be here by now, right?

Alright, Game Of Thrones, you have my full and undivided attention again. Let’s go.