Tag Archives: Maggie

The Walking Dead S07E08 – Hearts Still Beating

The Walking Dead powered into its midseason break with “Hearts Still Beating”, and while the grammatical error in the title really bothers me (I’ll explain that later), it was everything that is great about TWD: it was cheesy, over the top, still had a little bit of heart, and it was a buncha Negan being a dick. Let’s go……..

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-We open with Maggie at Glenn’s grave, which I assume she does daily, and then she goes to the top of the gate at the Hilltop. Gregory has an apple and is almost like, do you want this, and Eduardo, who is also up there, is like, dude, she’s pregnant, so Gregory thinks he’s being a nice guy by giving her the apple. One, she’s pregnant, stop being a dick, and two, most importantly, pregnant or not, Maggie would stomp the muddiest of holes in Gregory’s ass. Did he spend an entire episode getting punked by everyone like, two weeks ago? If you don’t go sit your fake Herschel ass down somewhere.

-Daryl gets out of his cell because of that note that told him to go. Yay. Fuck.

-More importantly, Negan is at Rick’s house, taking a shave and telling One-Eyed Carl how to shave as well, cooking pasta in his house, lookin’ like that scene from “Goodfellas“, but without the cocaine. Olivia gets some lemonade from Tara, who says she’ll go inside and take over for Olivia, who told Rick she would watch Judith, and neither of them would be able to do anything, so that’s pointless.

-Then we have Rick and Aaron, who decide to go out to the houseboat in the canoe full of bulletholes, and I was like, OOOOOOOOOOH WHAT LEVEL OF FUCKERY IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN……well, the scene is stretched out, but basically, the canoe sinks because bulletholes, they have to fight off water walkers (which I figured would like, disintegrate in the water, but whatever man), Aaron sees one in the other canoe, falls the fuck over and is taken under, Rick freaks out, Aaron pops up, and I let out a good, hearty laugh. The best thing about The Walking Dead is when you can see the fuckery down the road, and you know it’s about to be some bullshit, but it’s just a matter of how they get to, and through, the bullshit. It was great. Anyway, they get to the canoe, while Negan is back at the house, tucking napkins in his shirt and shit, getting ready to chow down on a trough of spaghetti because that seems to be all they have at Alexandria (remember Aaron, Daryl and, um….Eric? I think that’s his boyfriend’s name).

-Spencer is tryna be nice to the Saviors, where some girl wants to holla at him and show him the compound later, aka her walls (not walls in a house, use your imagination). She also takes a moment to punk Eugene, who watches this flirtation go down because he’s a creep like that and he does like to watch.

-Meanwhile, Carol is tryna chill and read her book by a fire like a civilized human, and mufuckas won’t leave her alone, Morgan, King Zeke (who we don’t see in this episode and that’s some bullshit), and now Richard, apparently that is his name. He comes in and tries to persuade them to convince King Zeke to strike first against the Saviors, and Carol is like, I just wanna read my fuckin’ book and eat my produce, and we all know Morgan ain’t about that life. So, Richard goes to a shittily-hidden camper in the woods, throws a milk bottle and starts crying. So, here is my thing: why should I care about Richard? The Kingdom, even, for that matter? Spend a little more time on it and maybe, just maybe we would care. They could have honestly split up the Kingdom episode with the Tara episode at Ladyland, as my girl calls it. Because….anyway, more about the latter a bit later on because I have a guess about that. Richard does bring up a good point, though: the Saviors don’t really need a reason to go back on their deal. They run shit.

-Rick and Aaron are on the houseboat getting supplies, and they’re talking about this deal with the Saviors, which Michonne doesn’t think is living, but Aaron disagrees and says, “either your heart is beating or it isn’t”…..meanwhile, Michonne is still driving with this hostage Savior, and tries to talk to her because Michonne is losing her mind, and this woman just isn’t having it at all. OH, and back to Rick and Aaron, someone in mismatched boots is watching them through binoculars. Spooky.

-Oh, I almost forgot about Daryl and his great escape. He sneaks around, being all sneaky, then gets to Dwight’s room and eats ALL of the peanut butter with his dirty-ass finger. How does one eat that much peanut butter, that quickly, with one finger, and then not go to the bathroom right afterwards? And as he leaves, he smashes Dwight’s figurines, and they seemed to focus on one in particular, and I don’t know what the significance is. Maybe to show that Daryl is a badass? I bet he listens to Kid Rock. Goddammit, I hate this dude.

-At Hilltop, Maggie can smell apple pies through doors, but that’s believable because pregnancy hormones are no joke. Maggie wants to ask Jesus to get stuff, but Sasha says he left this morning. Maggie leaves and Enid is like, WHY YOU ALWAYS LYIN’. It’s because Sasha has a plan to go after Negan, because who doesn’t? I’d love to sit down and rank all of the plans because there are some real shitburgers in this pile.

-Father Bitchass and Rosita are at the church….and you know what…..GABRIEL tries to talk Rosita out of her shitty plan to kill Negan, maybe wait so everyone can work together. He has earned the right to finally be called by his real name. Lowkey, Young Gabe might be the MVP of the half-season (non-Negan division). Can’t wait for that to backfire in my face.

-Spencer is in the mirror, practicing how to say “Hi” and he looks like he’s on some Jack Handy shit (old SNL skit, do ya Googles). He tells Rosita that the plan is to get close to Negan and then strike, and Rosita says she used him before, but she’ll do dinner with him later because yo, people gotta bang, b. Meanwhile, Daryl finishes his great escape by bashing Fat Joey’s head in with a pipe, and Jesus walks in on it, so they steal a motorbike and leave. Negan gon’ kill everyone at that compound, b. He leaves and everyone stops giving all of the fucks. Everyone gon’ have irons on their faces.

-Michonne and the lady Savior drive to within distance of a gang of Saviors, like, hundreds of mufuckas and is basically like, bruh, you can’t win this fight, he is everywhere…..but I’m done with this shit, so you need to kill me and set this truck on fire. Which Michonne apparently does.

-Rick and Aaron get back to Alexandria to find Negan and ’em, and Aaron takes a massive ass-whipping because of some fuckass note they found on the houseboat that says “congrats for winning, but you still lose”. Thanks to Holly for this, but why did they even take the note back with them? How would they not know that would be some shit? Anyway, Aaron says that his heart is still beating, which is why the title bothers me. “heart’s” = “heart is”, not “hearts”. I don’t know why I would expect a show like this to care about that, but anyway.

-Spencer introduces himself to Negan, who wants to play pool, so they move a pool table out in the middle of the street. Spencer throws Rick under the bus, more or less implying that Rick got his mother killed and that he always fucks shit up (which isn’t all the way wrong), and that Spencer can be the new leader. Here is where you realized that he gotta die, because Negan says that Rick is swallowing his pride and his hate of Negan to get shit done, and that if Spencer wants Rick’s spot, go take it….but he won’t, because he doesn’t have the guts….and then he disembowels Spencer right on the street. In front of everyone, because everyone decided to come out and watch this game of pool. Shit looked like a Michael Jackson video.

-Rosita gets mad and pulls out the heat, but instead of shooting Negan, she shoots Lucille and Negan starts randomly cursing, sounding like Sterling Archer. One of the Saviors throws Rosita to the ground and cuts her face, while Negan wants to know who made this magic bullet. A couple people say they did it, but Negan knows they’re lying, so the female Savior, Arat is her name, she shoots Olivia. Tara then says she did it, but Eugene confesses and Negan is like, yeah, you look like a bullet-makin’ mufucka. So he takes Eugene with him when he leaves, and Rick stabs a reanimating Spencer in the head because fuck that guy.

-Michonne and Rick meet in the cells, and Michonne tells him that there are more Saviors than they thought, but they still have to fight. So they go to the Hilltop to see Maggie, and Jesus and Daryl are there, and it’s one big-ass Avengers reunion as they walk up to the house to discuss a plan. Daryl even gives Rick back his gun, which was on Fat Joey because that’s way too easy. Maggie better have kicked Daryl in the nuts at least three times, since he got back.

-I missed this, but after the credits, Young Gabe is being watched at the Alexandria gate by the person with the mismatched boots. I’m gon’ guess it’s someone from Ladyland? It better be. We don’t need any more new people.

-The one thing that I do like that they are rationing us with Negan, because I think if he were in every episode, it would be too much. Jeffrey Dean Morgan is the MVP of this half-season and it isn’t even close because of how he straddles that line of being a cartoon and a downright fucking lunatic. But every episode and I think it would be too much. They just have to figure out to handle shit when he isn’t in the episode.

-Also, AMC: get your shit together and just make all the episode 90 minutes long. What else do you have to show? And if you’re gon’ have this many characters, you just might as well. I don’t wanna make any more Game Of Thrones comparisons, but let’s just say, you’re not Game Of Thrones. Take that extra advertising money and highstep down the sideline.

That was a solid ending to a typical half-season of The Walking Dead, which will return in February and likely do the same thing: be great for the first couple episodes, then be garbage, then end strong. Morgan and Carol will eventually come around and reach out to Rick because someone will hear something about Alexandria, which means King Zeke and Battlecat will be involved, Tara will holla at Ladyland, and yeah…..man, it is what it is by now with The Walking Dead. If they could just be consistent, the world would be a better place. The ratings are dropping, but they’re just now very good down from astronomical. It’ll be interesting to see if they try to improve in the second half of Season 7, I wouldn’t bet on it, but crazier things have happened and I’ma watch anyway. See y’all in February.

 

The Walking Dead S07E04 – Service

Now that we’re all caught up with everyone, and we know where everyone is, The Walking Dead continues with “Service”, also known as the Negan-comin-for-all-your-shit tour. Some stuff that happened in the premiere served to help this episode not be terrible, and there could have been a hint for the future here as well, so let’s go.

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-We open with Rick and Michonne in bed, which I kinda forgot about, and she sneaks out, well, she thinks she does. But Rick saw her the whole time, and I’m pretty sure he saw the rifle that she took out of the fireplace of their house. She takes her weapons and goes to an abandoned car, sitting on the roof, waiting for something it seems, while Rick picks up Judith from her crib. It is a very ominous feeling, this beginning, like Michonne is about to wild out, which might not be in her best interests.

-Meanwhile, Rosita and Spencer are going on a supply run so that they’ll have something to give the Saviors, but Eugene is gon’ build a portable audio system for them, because surely the Saviors need something to play their music on. I wonder what Negan listens to? He seems like he would listen to ’70s rock, with no use for anything modern. Watch, he’ll bring out a Katy Perry playlist and dare anyone to laugh.

-Negan shows up at the Alexandria gate with his crew, including Daryl, and he reminds me of Eddie Murphy doing his James Brown impersonation. He tells Rick to hold Lucille, knowing full and damn well that he ain’t gon’ do anything, and no one can talk to Daryl, either, but Daryl is basically beaten down at this point, just gearing up for his inevitable redemption. They start searching the houses, while Dwight fucks with Rosita, taking her hat and her water, and ordering her to go get Daryl’s motorcycle, so he can make his transformation complete. Damn, he’s gon’ be so mad when Daryl takes it back. He’ll probably die, too. Also in this sequence, when Negan rolled up to the gate, Spencer had no idea who he was and tried to backtalk Negan, and Rick was like, man, if you don’t open this damn gate before batting practice starts.

-Michonne sees a walker and tries to shoot it, but keeps missing, so she takes out her trusty katana and cuts his head in half. You would think that Michonne would be a better shooter than she is at this point, but hell, she has the katana, so just roll with that. Unless the opposition has guns. Then, you should probably work on that.

-Negan asks about Maggie, and Rick lies, saying she is dead. He takes Negan to her “grave”, where he says that he wanted to add her to his harem of wives. Yeah, good luck with that. Maggie would kill herself first, especially for him. I know she has a baby and all, but nah, that ain’t the life that she wants her kid to lead. But then they hear a gunshot and Rick looks at Negan like, YO IT WASN’T ME.

-They find Carl with a Savior at gunpoint because dude tried to take their medicine. While Negan is impressed with Carl’s, um, let’s say, testicular fortitude, he basically tells him to back off or more people die. Shoutout to Carl for having a bigger pair than his father, and the intelligence to know that Negan ain’t playin’. He also gets the guns taken away by Negan, who wants ALL of the guns and Rick said they’re all there, but apparently two are not counted for, so Negan threatens to kill Olivia if they’re not found. She works at the pantry and the armoury, so Rick can’t lose her. Might gotta put a job ad on Kijiji or some shit.

-Rosita and Spencer are out in the woods, and Spencer questions whether Rick should lead Alexandria. Well, if not him, Spencer, who? You? YOU? Better not be. Because if he was leading Alexandria after his mother died, there is a good chance there wouldn’t be an Alexandria at this point.

-Rick calls a meeting to see where these guns are, and tells everyone that Negan is running the show now. So, I assume he hasn’t told anyone about Negan until, like, just now. You should probably give your citizens a heads up before people come in and take your shit. That could have ended much worse for everyone, meaning Alexandria. Eugene noticed that there were a couple people not at the meeting, which will come up later, I’m sure.

-Rosita spends her time killing the undead Saviors that were there when Denise got her arrow in the eye, and kills them, while looking for guns on the correct assumption that Negan is taking theirs. So, where does she think she will hide these guns? She does hide one in the wheel-well of the car they were driving, but you can only put so many guns in wheel-wells.

-HEY, look, Father Bitchass makes his first appearance of the season and it was him who led Negan to Maggie’s “grave”. He says that faith will get them through this whole thing, and Rick needs to believe and all types of other shit. Unless faith carries a bazooka (which Negan took), they’ll need more than that. Rick does manage to find the guns, stashed in Spencer’s house, along with some booze and food, ol’ hoardin’-ass mufucka.

-Rick takes the guns to Negan, who continues to crack jokes while threatening lives, but Rick sees Michonne and asks to be excused. I have no idea how Negan doesn’t see her, and I don’t buy that Negan wouldn’t send someone over with Rick, most likely, himself. Rick goes over to her, while holding Lucille, and says that people will die if Negan doesn’t get the guns, so they make up some story about her hunting and she brings back a deer to make the story even better. I might have messed that last part up, because I spent most of the time rolling my eyes. He then asks if Daryl can stay and Negan is all NOAP. Negan even asks Daryl if he wants to stay, and Daryl says nothing. No matter what he said, he wouldn’t have been happy, knowing Negan. Dwight then rolls up on Daryl’s bike and says he can have it back if he just pleads his allegiance to Negan, but we all know that ain’t happening.

-Rick goes at Spencer for stealing the guns, and Spencer goes back at him, blaming him for the deaths of Glenn and Abe. Rick is like, I know I’m gettin’ punked out here, but it won’t be by you, I promise, and threatens to break Spencer’s jaw if he says some shit again. Everyone has a line, I suppose. Then, Rosita goes at Spencer, who tells her he doesn’t trust Rick, and this is where she sneaks out the wheel-well gun. I wouldn’t be super upset if Spencer died. I know he’s Deanna’s son and all, but you can only push people that do more than you for so long.

-Rick and Michonne are back at the house, spreading blankets on the floor because Negan even took their mattresses. Michonne is struggling to understand this new way of life, but then Rick tells her about Shane, and how he knows Judith probably isn’t his child, but this is life now and you roll with it. This is the first time he acknowledged that Judith probably wasn’t his, I believe, and that has gotta knaw at him. He also says that they don’t even have the numbers with the people at the Hilltop, who I forgot all about, and I think Rick even killed their best fighters, so that won’t help. I thought the Hilltop and the Kingdom were the same. But this is how I see this playing out: the Saviors will mention something about Alexandria at their next meeting with King Zeke and Morgan, who will then rally the troops to help save Rick and ’em. Yeah, that’s pretty much how that will go.

-Now, I didn’t see this part because my copy must have cut off, but Michonne sees the Saviors burning the mattresses and seethes, while Rosita takes a shell casing to Eugene and tells him to make her a bullet. Just one. Some magic-bullet shit that will take out all the Saviors. But I’m concerned about Michonne. She is on the verge of wildin’ the fuck out, and that scares me.

-Seriously, though: where the hell is Maggie? Did she end up at the Hilltop? Isn’t there a doctor there? Why the hell didn’t she go there in the first place? I know there is a story, I’m just not going back to look, but I do think there is a story.

So, this episode was all about Negan runnin’ Alexandria’s pockets, Rick getting down on himself like he did at the prison before he became a damn farmer, Michonne and Rosita should really get together and start coming up with a cohesive plan before they get everyone killed, and Judith might be an orphan. Hell, she might be a double orphan soon if Rick keeps giving Negan sideeyes (prediction: she won’t). I haven’t seen a preview for next week, but I would think the Kingdom would get a mention, and hell, maybe even the Hilltop, too. Because Lord knows, Rick is gon’ need a LOT of help to get past Negan and ’em.

The Walking Dead S07E03 – The Cell

The Walking Dead “Hey, what’s happenin’ over here” tour continues with “The Cell” as we head to the Sanctuary, also known as Negan’s place. But of course, the focus is Daryl, which is awesome. It’s not. Let’s go…….

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-Again, I missed the beginning up to the credits, which will likely be a theme throughout the season. But from what I gathered (again, shoutout to The Walking Dead Wikia), Dwight is the center of attention as Negan’s right-hand man, cuttin’ in line and taking way more bread than everyone else, while some guy gets beaten to death by a bunch of Saviors as he was short on payment for whatever he wanted to eat, then took his shirt off and threw it down. They obviously took that as disrespect; seems like something they would do.

-Speaking of being an asshole, Dwight goes through the dead man’s place and takes his stuff, with the man’s pregnant wife and kid watching because fuck it, why not, they don’t need pickles or mustard anyway. Also in this sequence, we see Dwight with some other Saviors and when Negan passes them, they kneel to him. Negan has a bit of a God complex, it seems, and that becomes ever so evident throughout the episode. I can’t wait to see how this all came about, although they hint at it a little bit in this episode. Dwight then puts some dog food on some bread and takes it to a cell, where naked Daryl is chillin’, They basically do this a couple more times, where Dwight brings shitty sandwiches and Daryl has to eat them, then he locks the cell. All the while, this song is playing to torture Daryl and it’s called “Easy Street” by the Collapsible Hearts Club. I can see why it would be used for torture. It began to hurt every time they played it, so I guess it worked for the show. Between shitty sandwiches and that song, I wouldn’t last a week in there.

-Next, Dwight takes a clothed Daryl to see this doctor, Dr. Carson, apparently, because he has a messed-up shoulder, which is probably the least of his worries right now. Sherry is in there, and who is Sherry, you ask? Well, so did I. She was in the episode where we met Dwight, “Always Accountable”, which I’d love to link you to, but I didn’t do a recap on it, apparently. I vaguely remember it, it was Sherry, Dwight and some other girl, and they jacked Daryl for his supplies…..I remember it more for Abe tryna shoot his shot with Sasha for the first time, and smoking a cigar on top of a Hummer or a tank or something. So hey, I guess Abe wasn’t useless. Anyway, Sherry is in the office and tells Daryl to do what he is told, and Dwight doesn’t want her talking to him. She also has a pregnancy test, which she says is negative, and Dwight is all, “better luck next time”. What is this, pregnancy roulette? And who is tryna get pregnant in the zombie apocalypse? I don’t think it’s her idea, if I had to guess, but it seems like a really bad one, to say the least. There are all sorts of methods…..you know what, I’ll stop there. But y’all know where I was going with that.

-Dwight stops to talk to Negan while he is guarded by this Savior named Fat Joey, not the rapper, who doesn’t go by Joey and apparently, he is also not fat anymore. Dwight then takes Daryl out to show him the walker fence, which has a new addition as the man from the food line is being secured to said fence, which is the first line of defense against intruders and let’s be real, it’s there because Negan is an asshole. Dwight tells Daryl that he can either work for Negan or work in the yard, securing walkers, and Daryl is being Daryl, saying that he would never kneel to Negan. Dwight says that he said that as well, and then takes Daryl back to his cell. Daryl proceeds to try and pick the lock and relentessly kick the door, and that’s the best part of the episode for me. He was tryna get out and he couldn’t. That was good. I had a little bit of hope for a minute that he wouldn’t make it outta there. Damn, I’ma be SO MAD when he gets out.

-Negan and Dwight are talkin’ again, with Negan asking Dwight how the breaking of Daryl is going and he says, it’s fine, slow, but fine. Negan wants to reward with a night with one of his wives, because Negan has multiple wives, because of course he does. It would be a waste to be a dictator without multiple wives, I assume, although I would think that would take away from his dictator time….it’s a complicated setup. Anyway, Dwight says no and Negan starts to get mad, making jokes about Dwight’s dick because, and this I remember, Eugene bit it in “Twice As Far“, the 14th episode of last season. The same joint where Denise caught the arrow in the eye and Eugene was like, NOAP, not doing that, so he bit Dwight in the penis because you gotta do what you gotta do. Anyway, Negan acted like he cared about Dwight’s well-being, but he doesn’t and Dwight knew that, but he’s like, nah, I’m good, and besides, I wanna torture Daryl because Negan wants him to pass it off to someone else, say, Fat Joey, because he’s fat and needs exercise, says Negan. I’m not sure if they know about Daryl, but hand to hand, I’ll give him that, he would give Fat Joey that work. Dwight also leaves because there was a radio call about a runaway worker, which now makes sense because I couldn’t make out what they were saying.

-Shoutout to @Starr_Rocque on Twitter who said, “The ironic thing about Negan is as sociopathic as he is, he’s anti-rape”. He did say to Dwight that he could have whichever wife he wanted, as long as they said yes. Again, Negan is a complicated man.

-Doesn’t even matter because this probably won’t get to that point. Fat Joey is watching the cell and gives Daryl a sandwich, but doesn’t lock the cell, which is why they were so intent on making you hear that door lock. Daryl sneaks out and creeps around the hallways, while Dwight is out looking for the runaway worker on Daryl’s motorcycle, and I kinda wanna call him “Bootleg Daryl” now. He also reminds me of Rat from Sons Of Anarchy to the point that I had to see if it was the same dude (it’s not). He has to get off the bike to navigate his way through a walker obstacle course, which should be on the next season of Survivor, and then a walker falls from an overpass, apparently, because that shit came outta nowhere. There is a struggle and Dwight wins, obviously. Another thing I can’t wait for? The episode this season where the zombies win and feast. There are usually 1-2 per season, because we all know major/quasi-major characters aren’t dying when this shit happens. Dwight is major enough now that he ain’t dying via zombie.

-Meanwhile, Daryl is creepin’ along, tryna find a way out and Sherry catches up to him, and tells him to go back because when he gets caught, it’ll be worse. I think Negan needs to give her a job at tracking and finding people, and not being a human incubator. Daryl being Daryl is like, NAH, and sneaks outside where he sees a buncha motorcycles and is like, hey, I’m free….and then he is surrounded by Saviors. Negan walks up with Lucille and and says, “are we pissing our pants yet?”. He tells Daryl his options: working for Negan and basically living the life, working for points, which means out in the yard, or dying. He doesn’t say anything, which I would take for picking death, but Negan is cool about it, swinging Lucille at him, but stopping short of hitting him, which amuses Negan because Daryl doesn’t flinch. See, everyone knows that ain’t happening. Anyway, Negan walks away and the Saviors jump Daryl, which I wanted to see more of.

-In his cell, Sherry tells Daryl that she is sorry for jumping him in the woods and taking his shit. Daryl’s like, man, unless you’re tryna help, go play somewhere. She was tryna maybe make him feel better. It didn’t work.

-Dwight saves the runaway worker, named Gordon, from a walker, and Gordon was one of the Saviors that kneeled to Negan at the beginning of the episode. Dwight points a gun at Gordon and tries to walk him back to the Sanctuary, and Gordon is like, man, fuck it, kill me, why do we let one guy with a bat walk in and run our lives, which is a fair question. I wonder if Negan just showed up with Lucille and a couple homies and was like, this is my shit now….that’s what it sounds like. Dwight counters that he’ll put everyone he loves on the wall, which gets Gordon going, and while it seems like Dwight is catchin’ what Gordon is saying, he shoots him anyway. He gets back to the Sanctuary, where Sherry meets him for a smoke, and Dwight asks, “is he good to you”, meaning Negan, and then when she says yes, Dwight says that they did the right thing and it is better than being dead. So that’s it…..Sherry was Dwight’s wife and Negan snatched that. Oh yeah, Dwight will have a hand in Negan’s downfall, or he’ll die trying, which is more likely.

-Dwight goes to give Daryl food, but he doesn’t want it, so Dwight puts a picture on the wall of the cell, and I don’t even have to guess what it is….it’s a picture of dead Glenn and while Daryl a long time to cry, he gets it out eventually. I have a feeling this has happened before, I wanna say last season, and he was leaning against a tree or something. He cries. I smiled. It was good.

-Oh, this week on Fear The Walking Dead: Passage, the two women decide that they’re going to Mexico via tunnel and in this election season, I’m not even gon’ touch that one.

-Dwight takes Daryl to an apartment, and Negan tells the story of how Dwight became his main man: Dwight, Sherry and her sister, Tina, worked for points, which she used for diabetic medication, but she came up short, so Negan was like, marry me, because romance isn’t dead in TWD’s world. The three of them stole some medicine and ran, which is when they first met Daryl, but Tina ended up getting eating by zombies and they had to go back. Dwight asked for forgiveness and Negan did it, but he took Sherry (she offered) and burned Dwight’s face with an iron. His idea of forgiveness kinda sucks. Anyway, the plan is for Daryl to live here because Negan likes him, but he asks who Daryl is and after a long pause and Negan asking one more time, he says his own name and not Negan. Good for him.

-Back to the cell for him, and Dwight is yelling at him for not wanting to get better at life, and Daryl says some shit about understanding why Dwight did it, it was for someone else, which is why Daryl can’t do it, or some other fake-deep shit. So who is it? Is it Glenn? Is it Beth? Is it Maggie? Because she owes him a fucking BEATDOWN when they see each other again. Like, a good year’s worth of kicking his ass every single day. The episode ends with Dwight looking at the fence and there is a new walker….it’s Gordon.

I knew that going into this episode, it would be a Daryl episode, and forgive me for not liking it…I just don’t like that dude and I’m not here for feeling sympathetic towards him. The Dwight stuff, I did like because he was just doing what he had to do, and yeah, he gotta try and get at Negan at some point before he dies, which will be how he dies, I take it. But we also need to find out more about how Negan got to the Sanctuary, which I think we will (no comic stuff, please). Next week, we’re back at Alexandria as Negan goes to pick up an order, and I saw Michonne with a machine gun, so that’s promising. Don’t do anything stupid, missus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Walking Dead S07E02 – The Well

After the insanity of the seventh-season premiere, The Walking Dead returns with “The Well”, which allows everyone to take a breather and we’re introduced to the newest community, the Kingdom, and now, we can all move on last week, right? Right.

Although I feel kinda bad for Abe…..no one cared about him hahaha….still tho, no more Glenn jokes for me. I’m so good with those.

Let’s go….

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-So, I missed pretty much everything up to the opening credits because I was watching soccer (shoutout to Toronto FC, we’re halfway there, boys). But from what I gathered, we go back to Carol, who was shot by the Saviors at the end of last season, but is rescued by Morgan and some guys on horses. Carol, obviously a mess, goes back to sleep, wakes up, hallucinates and walks into a buncha walkers and has to be rescued again, then she sleeps for two days. Does that about cover it? This will probably happen again next week because soccer trumps The Walking Dead in these streets.

-Anyway, she wakes up and Morgan is pushing her around the Kingdom in a wheelchair, which seems like a dream because children are playing and people are laughing, basically, any community we’re introduced to this show. He says they can go back to Alexandria in a week when she is better, but he wants her to meet King Ezekiel, and yooooo……this dude is chillin’ on a throne with a big-ass tiger named Shiva. He welcomes Carol with this kingly accent, offers her some fruit because it’s fruit day and behind him is a wise-cracking Asian guard named, um, I’m not sure, but dude is pretty good. Carol, looking up in the air to find the jig, goes into Casserole Carol mode with this look on her face like, come on, dogg, this can’t be real, and refuses the pomegranate, which I don’t think I’ve ever had, but shoot, I wanted to take one. They leave and Carol is like, this place is crazy, they’re crazy and I’m out, but Morgan won’t allow it, even though he knows that if Carol wants to leave, she’ll leave.

-Ezekiel leaves with Morgan, this kid Ben, this girl (I don’t know if we got her name) and this cat named Richard, and they’re corralling pigs into a room where they eat a walker because as Richard says, they want their pigs to be filled with rot, which sounds disgusting. They run into more walkers and Ben is instructed to kill one with a machete, but he struggles and Ezekiel saves him, but he wants Morgan to keep the pig hunt a secret for whatever reason, which we’ll learn later. He also wants Morgan to train Ben with the staff because he needs to keep Ben alive. Ezekiel has taken a liking to Ben, and I have my theory about why. All I’m saying is, I run into another brotha and he got a tiger, I’m rollin’ with him. But that’s too many of us on the show now, so someone gotta go.

-I think it was also here that Morgan tells Ezekiel that he could have saved the Savior that he shot to save Carol, and I’m not really here for another season of Morgan tryna save everyone. You saved Carol, that’s important. These Saviors ain’t shit, bruh. They’re too far gone. This dude will really try to have a non-violent sitdown with Negan, and I’d love to see how that would go down.

-Anyway, this awful choir sings through this montage of Morgan training Ben, Ezekiel watching, and Carol wheelin’ around, stealing clothes and knives, both of which were amazing. The knife was sitting on a table and she rolled by it, and then you see this hand just yoink that shit off the table, but we just see the hand and I actually laughed out loud. Then the clothes, she basically told this man to look over there, and put the clothes under her blanket. I think she might have sighed when she did it too, like, y’all mufuckas are stupid.

-Ben wants to read Morgan’s “Art Of Peace” book, then Ezekiel tells them to come on this run and Richard tells Morgan to bring his gun, which I didn’t think he had. They go to meet a group of Saviors and it turns out the pigs were for them because the Kingdom is also on this pay-as-you-go-or-you-die plan with the Saviors, who are just runnin’ everyone’s pockets outchea in these streets. One of the Saviors picks a fight with Richard, who could easily destroy this guy, but Ezekiel tells him to stand down and Richard just takes two shots from the Savior until their leader, Gavin, who I’m pretty sure we met last season, tells him to stop. Anyway, this is meat week and next is produce week, and Gavin warns Ezekiel that if he gets less than what is on his list, Richard is the first to die. Jokes on y’all, tho…..you’re eating walker bacon…..walker pork chops…..all that shit. And that CAN’T be good for the digestive tract. Oh, and the girl that went with them earlier, her name is Dianne, apparently.

-They get back to the Kingdom and over dinner, we learn that Ben has a younger brother and their father was here, but he died while clearing out a building with walkers, and I bet that is absolutely not what happened, but what Ezekiel told him. Ben also says that Ezekiel is hiding this deal from the Saviors because if he told the Kingdom, they’d wanna fight and well, I don’t think they know this yet, but they’re definitely not built for that shit in the slightest. Then he asks Morgan if he is against killing and Morgan is like, sometimes, we change our minds…..word, Morgan? See, and this is just it…you gotta kill in the zombie apocalypse. You just gotta. You don’t have to like it, in fact, it’s kinda weird if you do. But you gotta kill. You’re not saving the Saviors. They all gotta die. But he knows them and now he has the Kingdom, and they’re all gon’ team up with Rick and ’em and bring down Negan, so it’s just a matter of how they get there.

-Shoutout to the Fear The Walking Dead commercial snippets that are back. This series is called Passage and so far, some girl is following another girl towards, well, I’m not sure yet. It’s all very vague and they seem to be hiding in some sort of test compound, and they’ll flesh it out. Flight 462 from last season was so much better than the actual Fear TWD, and I expect this to be good as well, and then we’ll get to Fear and it’ll be terrible.

-Morgan goes to bring Carol some food, but she’s long gone. She is out in the garden, stealing fruit and she is caught by Ezekiel and that guard, who chucks up the deuces as he leaves and man, he’s pretty damn good. But we learn that Ezekiel knows Carol is faking her act because as he says, you can’t bullshit a bullshitter. Ezekiel drops the accent and sounds like he might have ad-libs on a Southern rap record, and he used to be a zookeeper before everything went down. Basically he rolled up on this community with a tiger and they had no leader, so Ezekiel (which is actually his name) threw on this accent because he did a little acting, and he assumed the role because people want to feel safe…..and I bet it was largely because he had a tiger that didn’t want to eat him (he saved Shiva from bleeding to death, so the tiger is down with him). And you know, he is right. Same shit happened in Alexandria, same shit happened with the Woodbury and the Governor, and I bet the same shit happened with Negan and the Saviors. Someone has to step up and lead. So why not the dude with the tiger?

-HAVE I MENTIONED THAT THE DUDE HAS A TIGER THO?

-Carol thinks it’s all some bullshit, but I think she comes to respect Ezekiel a little bit. Still, she wants to go and Ezekiel is like, cool, but I think I have a solution where she goes, but she doesn’t. The house from the beginning was a caretaker’s cottage, so it’s not on Kingdom property, but it’s close enough. Morgan takes her out there and tells her that she is one of his favorite people that he ever knocked out, so that’s nice. Carol goes into the house and kills the Old Woman Walker that almost got her at the beginning, and then she makes a fire. Ezekiel comes by with a pomegranate and she smiles……and if there is one thing The Walking Dead is here for, it’s interracial relationships. We got Rick and Michonne, there was Sasha and Abe, Abe and Rosita, Glenn and Maggie, Tyreese and Karen, if she wouldn’t have been stupid and tried to stab that cop, there would have been Beth and Noah….anyway, you get the point…..keep an eye on that.

I was excited for the Kingdom basically since I saw a preseason trailer with Ezekiel, and I kinda wish that they would stay here for a couple episodes, but there is no time for that. I think next week is about fuckass Daryl, probably not dying, and unless he’s dying, I don’t care. They’ll probably split that with Rick and ’em, and not even Rick, I wanna see how Maggie is doing. Anyway, I think we have everyone that we need to know on board, so the march to the midseason finale of The Walking Dead really begins.

The Walking Dead S07E01 – The Day Will Come When You Won’t Be

I think I write this every single season: The Walking Dead is very good at premieres and finales: it’s in between that usually crosses them up. We’ll worry about all that later (because it WILL happen), but Season 7’s premiere, “The Day Will Come When You Won’t Be” was everything I needed it to be: bloody, brutal and taking out people that we care about. Let’s go……

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-Shoutout to Jeffrey Dean Morgan, who plays Negan and tweeted out this picture after the premiere was done. Negan is already the best villain in the history of TWD, no matter what happens. He makes the Governor look like a daycare teacher. A cuddly one, at that. One that would let you have an extra juice box after nap time.

-The episode starts off where it ended last season, with Negan standing over the crew, Lucille in tow, ready to take some batting practice. For the most part, the first segment was Negan threatening Rick, and I missed the first minute or two, but luckily, they didn’t show who it was until the second, when it was revealed that it was……Abe. I knew it. I knew it wouldn’t be anyone that we cared about, and by “we”, I mean, “me”. I don’t care about Abe, he hit some smoove one-liners last season, and no one will ever forget him calling someone a “motherdick”, but am I upset that it was him? Not really. Negan probably decided that he might as well take out the biggest person, that would be my thinking. Some people were like, he could add Abe to his army, but I’m pretty sure Negan is good with the army he has. Anyway, Negan beat the blazes outta that dude, who managed to get out something about his nuts as he was dying, kiss ’em or suck ’em or something. Probably be able to rub some brains on his nuts, that’s how hard Negan was hittin’ him.

-And then Daryl, who I wished it would have been, decided to be a big man and jump up at Negan, I think he even managed to get a punch in. Negan had Lucille in front of Rosita, telling her to look at Abe’s brains as he put it together that they were something, and what did Negan say? If anyone moved, some shit was about to fly. Dogg, he WARNED you. So Negan has to prove that he is a man of his word, and took it out on Glenn’s skull. Now this was slightly upsetting, but it would have been moreso if what happened with Glenn and the dumpster hadn’t happened. I figured he wouldn’t get it because if he got outta that, Glenn was Superman. But Negan ain’t a buncha dumbass zombies that decided, well, we can’t reach him so we’ll move on, and went to town on Glenn’s head. And that’s on Daryl, that’s on y’alls man, your saviour, ol’ non-showerin’ ass. I really wish it would have been him just to see people furious. And he woulda deserved it because this is on him. And I’m prepared to be mad when he survives this. Because he WILL survive this.

-HE DOESN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING.

-Glenn said something to Maggie before Negan hit ’em with the death blow, but I don’t know what he said. Hopefully, it was, “this is Daryl’s fault”. Anyway, RIP to Glenn. Season 1 vet, and last season’s, “I was just supposed to be delivering pizzas” line is up there with Carol’s “Look at the flowers” from Season 4 as my favorites. But I’m happy it happened. TWD was getting complacent. If Game Of Thrones has taught us anything, it’s that anyone can get it at any time, and this was basically TWD’s version of “The Red Wedding”. For a minute, I REALLY thought Rick would get it, too. That’s how frightening Negan is.

-Somewhere in between this, Rick says something about, not today, not tomorrow, blah blah blah, but he’s gon’ kill Negan. And he will, because The Walking Dead (actually, now I believe it will be Maggie). But for now, Negan is in charge and he drags Rick into his camper, where he also has Abe’s axe. He tells Rick to try and get it and kill him, and then surprises him with a machine gun, because Rick really thought Negan was that stupid. Negan takes him out to one of the last traps they ran into in the Season 6 finale, “Last Day On Earth“, the joint where they hung ya man off the overpass. Negan throws his axe outside of the camper and tells Rick to go get it for him, basically to see if he will. And here is where shit REALLY got ridiculous. First, it looks like the place is swarming with zombies, but Negan kills like, two of them as he opens the door and there is a clear path. Okay, fine, whatever. Then Rick fights off a couple, but again, it looks like there are roughly 20,000 walkers around him. Cool. Then Rick runs to the top the camper, but I didn’t see him grab an axe and next thing you know, the axe is beside him. I don’t even think Rick saw the axe when Negan threw it out. Rick is going through a buncha scenarios in which everyone dies if he doesn’t get this axe back to Negan, so…..sorry, I just chuckled remembering this scene because it’s ridiculous, remember ol’ boy that they hung off the overpass? Yeah dogg…..Rick fuckin’ jumped on him and hung there for a minute. But really, this might have been the most realistic part of the scene because dude was freshly dead and turned, so he would have been able to hang there for a minute before falling, as we saw. If it was an older zombie, shit would have just slid off. But Negan is there to shoot away any zombies that were close to Rick, because Negan needs him to alive to go back to Alexandria and tell everyone who the new leader is.

-BUT YO…….am I the only one that noticed that in this whole exchange, it would go to light, and then it would be crazy foggy? Negan said dawn was breaking, but when he threw Rick out of the camper, that shit looked like Silent Hill. Anyway, it was all ridiculous, but it’s The Walking Dead, so it is what it is. This is what I mean when I say, it’s not a well-done show. It’s not. But it’s entertaining.

-They go back to the site, and it’s light out now, officially. Negan doesn’t think Rick gets it, and really, this entire episode was all about Negan planting his flag in Rick’s group and saying, y’all are mine now. So, he gets his people to put guns to Rick’s people, and he brings Carl over to Rick, and he tells Rick that he has to cut Carl’s left arm off. Now, comic people will come out of the woodwork to tell you what this is about, and yes, I know, and we don’t care. Don’t be that person. Anyway, Rick tearfully pleads to Negan to let it be him and Carl is basically telling Rick not to be a bitch, and just do it. Man, you gotta respect Carl at this point. He told Rick to stop being a punk in what, last season, maybe the season before (it was Season 4….look at me fact-checkin’)? Negan even starts a countdown, but he doesn’t get Rick to do it, although it would have been hilarious if he did. He tells Rick that he’ll be by Alexandria next week for his first order of….um, do we even know what he wants from Alexandria? How about EVERYTHING? Let’s go with EVERYTHING.

-Negan and ’em pack up and leave, leaving what is left of that crew to sit there and think about what happened. Maggie is obviously a mess and everyone tries to console her, while Eugene and Sasha go to Rosita over Abe. Maggie keeps saying that she’s going to drag Glenn back to Alexandria and everyone is like, that’s stupid, we’ll take ’em both, Negan is a nice guy and left us a truck. So, I assume they load up the bodies and head back to Alexandria, although the last thing I remember is Maggie standing between two puddles of blood/brain/hair/whatever is left of Glenn and Abe.

-Oh, in my shitting on his existence, I almost forgot to even say what happened to Daryl. They threw his ass in a van and took him somewhere. Hopefully, to inflict pain on him. That’s it. Ol’ loud spaghetti-slurpin’ ass.

-Oh, before I forget, the dinner scene. The dream joint which is narrated by Negan, who is saying to Rick that he thought the group was going to grow old together. I hope they didn’t really think that would happen. For the rest of your life, in that world, you have to be on edge because if it ain’t Negan, it would be someone else. Glenn and Maggie at the head of the table with their son, drinking wine. Well, we have the premise for Season 24: Glenn Jr. hunts down Negan and avenges his death.

-I’m just happy it wasn’t Michonne or Maggie. Those might have been deal-breakers. Probably not, but I would have thought about it.

This was about as far as they could go in the premiere, and I hope that this isn’t the last main character we see go. The Walking Dead is the highest-rated cable show in TV history, and it was resting on its laurels a bit. It was good to see them shake shit up a bit. So next week, I assume we’ll see Carol and Morgan, the burial of Abe and Glenn, Negan making his first trip to Alexandria and hopefully, what I’m waiting for the most this season, the black guy with the dreads and the tiger. WHERE IN THE FUCK DO YOU FIND A TIGER IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE? That’s my man, tho.

Welcome back, The Walking Dead. May you be consistently inconsistent throughout this entire season, and I’ll be here for all of it.

 

The Walking Dead S06E16 – Last Day On Earth

Season 6 came to an end on The Walking Dead with “Last Day On Earth”, a plodding, ominous beast of an episode. I thank my terrible attention span because I was doing other shit while it was on, which is why I wasn’t as mad as some of y’all were. Can’t be outchea being engrossed by this shit. After six seasons, y’all don’t know yet? Let’s go……

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-We open from the point of view of someone in a box, with streams of light coming in. It reminds me of when they were in the container at Terminus, so it’s pretty easy to assume it’s the dumbasses that got caught because Daryl is a shitty tracker. Morgan finds a horse, probably belonging to the person at the farmhouse. Horses don’t last long in The Walking Dead. Then we have the dude that has Carol’s rosary beads, looking like he is about to turn, and he is a better tracker than Daryl. Next, we have a man running through the woods, with some whistling going on around him. Carl argues with Enid about her coming on this mission to take Maggie to the Hilltop, to a doctor. Meanwhile, the Saviors surround the man, and Rick assembles the crew, who does a lot of talking, but I don’t pay attention.

-The Saviors tell the man they were chasing that rules were broken and people had to die because of it, so it wasn’t their fault. There isn’t much explaining of the rules, but you can bet that the rules were basically, listen to us to die. Or some version of that. Not very complex, that is for sure. Meanwhile, to get Enid not to come on the mission, Carl locks her in a closet and then tells her to just survive somehow. Bruh, you locked me in a fucking closet, how in the hell am I supposed to get out? It’s about to be that kind of episode. Mufuckas about to act real good and stupid.

-Rick lets Aaron join the group, and apparently Father Bitchass is in charge while he is gone. That sounds like it should go on the pantheon of Rick’s bad ideas. First things first….why can’t you just go and get the doctor and bring that person there? Why are you leaving Alexandria completely unattended? Everyone that is worth a damn is gone. Your best bet was pregnant Maggie.

-Gallopin’ Morgan finds Carol huddled on a stoop, and she got cut in her scuffle with the dude from last episode. The Saviors drag this poor man, who is basically a human pinata for them, into the road, and the leader says they’re making an example of him. The man asks to who since his people are all dead, and gets kicked in the back for his troubles. Rick’s group is trying to keep Maggie calm in the RV, and I forgot she cut her hair. Morgan plays doctor with Carol (not that way, pervs) so they can go back to Alexandria, but Carol doesn’t want to. Of course, Morgan is stubborn and doesn’t fucking listen to anyone, so she might as well stop fighting.

-The RV meets up with the Savior group, who are standing in the middle of the road. Rick offers to make a deal and dude is like, how about you give us your shit and we don’t kill you, and Rick is like, eh, we’ll just leave. The two go back and forth about this being one of their last day on Earth, hence the name of the episode. All I hear is Mase’s “24 Hours to Live” in the background. Round 1 goes to the Saviors, because Rick was like, we don’t want those problems.

-After commercial, we go to the box with the light streams and the heavy breathing, so this will pop up a couple more times in the episode. In the RV, Carl asks Aaron why he is here and he says he owes Maggie, while Carl says he owes the Saviors. Again, selfish motives ruining the group. At least Rick is selfish with a plan, these mufuckas are just runnin’ around all willy-nilly. Carol is telling Morgan how she cares about the group, and is willing to kill for them, but she doesn’t want to kill anymore, so she had to leave. She points a gun at him, but Carol is tired. And I get what she is saying, but man, you gotta tell them first, you know that they’re going to come after you, and here we are, with no one at Alexandria, and everybody about to die.

-Abe tells Sasha that he is ready to bring new life into the world, and she smiles at a dumb fucking idea. Are you serious? That is exactly what you need. A fucking baby in a zombie apocalypse. I thought Maggie and Glenn’s baby was a bad idea, too. But then, they run into another group of Saviors, this time, there are more of them, and they turn around as one of the Saviors busts his gun into the air. It’s probably about this point where they should be thinking of an alternate plan.

-Morgan finds a walker hanging from something and decides to kill it and cut it down. Really, bruh? Compassion for fucking zombies? I’m so done with this dude. And he left Carol, who runs away, so now he has to go find her again. What was he even doing?

-The RV gets to another roadblock, this time, with a line of walkers chained to each other, which means there was some work put into this one. Then they notice that one of the walkers has two of Michonne’s dreadlocks, and another has bolts from Daryl’s crossbow, so yeah, these people are better at this than y’all. The Saviors start shooting from the woods and the group peaces out in the RV. But they realize that the Saviors were shooting at their feet; they would be dead if they wanted them to be.

-Preview of Fear The Walking Dead: zombies in the water, and I assume that is Strand’s place that is on fire. Sure. I’ll watch this.

-The RV is starting to break down, and Rick tells Maggie (whose condition is getting worse) that they’re fine, but his faces are so good. When they get to yet another roadblock, this time, one with like, 35-40 people, his face says, oh man we are so fucked right now, Saviors outchea lookin’ like a rap-album cover from 1994.

-Meanwhile, Morgan is gallopin’ down the street and finds Carol’s beads by a freshly-killed walker. Carol is walking along and gets caught by the hurt Savior, but not before she fights off a walker and tears its face off. The hurt Savior fucks her up pretty good, and he has a gun, so he shoots her in arm, and the leg, because he wants to watch her die before he dies.

-Again, we get the box, then Rick comforting Maggie, but looking like he is going to pee himself at the thought of what is next. And I just thought of something: at this point, how do they even know that the doctor at the Hilltop (I just remembered he had that ultrasound machine because who doesn’t have an ultrasound machine?) is still alive? After meeting the Saviors, I assume everyone is dead outchea in these streets.

-Then Morgan, of course, comes out of nowhere and shoots the man all to hell and Carol is like, MOTHERFUCKER WILL YOU JUST LET ME DIE FOR FUCK SAKES. But they survive and then, well, shoutout to the homegirl Holly for this: “speaking of, who the fuck were those storm trooper dudes that Morgan met up with ?”. Mufuckas on horses dressed like Star Wars characters come around the corner, say they’ll help Morgan, mufuckas shake hands and walk off. Hahahaha the writers just don’t care anymore. And they shouldn’t. Because we’ll still watch it.

-Rick and ’em get to a big-ass log roadblock, and then the man that the Saviors are fuckin’ with, they hang him from a bridge. Aaron wants to shoot him down, but Rick says they need to conserve bullets and quite frankly, who the hell is this guy? At this point, he probably wants to die anyway. Then the logs are set on fire and the Savior from earlier says some more shit about this being the last day on Earth for someone in Rick’s group. Rick and ’em are like, man, fuck this, and peace out.

-They try to come up with a plan and Eugene says they should go on foot because they were looking for the RV. So this is the plan: Eugene drives the empty RV to lure the Saviors. Hahahaha what? And then what? Did you see how many of the Saviors there were? They’re probably watching you RIGHT NOW. HOLY SHIT. This is not gon’ end well. Eugene gives Rick the recipe for making bullets, and they all pump him up, telling him he is a survivor. What in the name of Destiny Child’s is going on here?

-The next commercial is the conclusion of Flight 462, which is a scene from Fear TWD last season as Nick looks up in the sky and sees a plane flying all screwy. He’s like, hmmm….that’s interesting. Shoutout to the flight attendant that takes her oxygen mask off and looks like she’s ready to eat.

-They put Maggie on a stretcher (WHERE IN THE FUCK DID THEY GET A STRETCHER) and leave Eugene to go and get caught. The group is walking through the woods, and they hear the whistles, and basically run right into the middle of all the Saviors, who have Eugene. They get their shit taken and they get on their knees. The box that we have been seeing all episode is actually a van, and Dwight gets out, along with Glenn, Michonne, Rosita and Daryl, who is shot, but still alive, for fuck sakes. Someone needs to explain to me why y’all love this dude so much. I really don’t get it. I never have.

-Then we get to the best part: we finally meet Negan, who has a scarf on, what is it called, an ascot? Something like that. Anyway, he also has a bat wrapped in barbed wire; so this is the Lucille that I’ve been hearing about and yup, it’s a bat wrapped in barbed wire alright. His speech rambles on, and it’s fine, after waiting this long to meet him, he can talk for as long as he wants and it’s not like anyone can say shit to him. He tells the group that they’re only still living so they can work for them, and the rules are the same that the Savior said earlier: their shit is his shit. He says “shit” a lot, which I respect as it is my favorite curse word. But Negan also says that someone has to pay because some of his men have died, and at this point, I’m like, alright, let’s do this. Glenn tries to be the big man and protect Maggie, and that shit gets shot down with the quickness. He does the eeny-meeny-miny-moe thing with the group to see who is going to get to party with Lucille, and then gets to the moe…..but we don’t see who gets it. All we see is the blood dripping down the camera, and Negan saying, you’re taking it like a champ. A couple more swings, fade to black, annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd scene.

-So, people are mad about the end, but me, I liked it. I like not knowing who it is that got the business end of Lucille, and guessing throughout the off-season. I know some comic readers are going to be pressed to tell us what happens, and I’ve already read it. But the way that TWD works, you really don’t know because they’ve gone so far off the comics already. Still, don’t be a pressed asshole. We know the comics are out there and can read it ourselves if we want. No one cares, b.

-Negan was great. That was well worth the wait. He is probably already the best villain of the show so far. Yep, better than the Governor.

-The episode dragged, for sure, but AMC had to get that advertising money. Because SOMEONE has to pay to keep Better Call Saul (which is GREAT, by the way) on, and all these other new shows.

-Why are y’all are so pressed for Daryl. Is it shallow eye candy (which I approve of, shoutout to Alyssa Milano’s career)? Because he doesn’t do anything.

-I want Glenn or Daryl to be gone. Actually, anyone but Michonne.

And thus ends another season of The Walking Dead. Listen…..it’s not good. It has flashes here and there, where you can tell they really try to give the characters something good, like 2-3 episodes a season. But overall, the audience doesn’t care about those episodes and want to see death and murderkillviolence and walkers and Negan and such…..so why bother? And now people get mad at this? Psssssssh. AMC is going to do what they’re going to do, and we’re going to watch. If I were you, I’d get off the train right now because if you think it’s going to get better, it’s not. Just appreciate it for what it is, not what it isn’t. It’s frustrating, it’s entertaining, it’s a mess and we’ll watch next season because why the hell not?

That being said, I’m drawing the line at ten seasons. Unless there are dragons and nudity. Then I’m in for as long as it takes.

The Walking Dead S06E15 – East

As I have said before, The Walking Dead is a show built on bad decisions. Hell, if they were making good decisions, the show probably would have lasted a solid season and a half. But with “East”, the penultimate episode of Season 6, they might have set a new bar. Let’s go…..

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-The episode starts with a montage with a female voice saying “I see you” and a bullethole in a windshield, then she says to “come out slowly” as we see the car has a flat tire. There is dripping blood, and a dude saying that “he’s going to pass on that”…a spear with blood on it, then Carol’s rosary beads on the ground, a man yelling and then a gunshot. Pretty ominous, and not subtle that shit is about to hit the fan. Subtlety has never been a strong suit of The Walking Dead.

-Carol is sewing a jacket or something, looking fed up, then she looks around and then starts packing a bag with food, so she is getting outta here. Tobin comes in the room and she throws the backpack under the bed, and he starts talking about Denise, but Carol ain’t listening at all. Me neither, Killa, me neither. She looks like she is either gon’ cry and put him in an arm triangle.

-Next is another montage, because who doesn’t love montages, and this one is set to Johnny Cash’s “It’s All Over” (shoutout to Tunefind), which is perfect for this scene. Tobin is sleeping as Carol dips out, Carl grabs a gun and stares at it, and it has something engraved on it…I even paused on it and I still don’t know what it says….I think there is a “D” in there, and he takes the gun. Maggie and Glenn are showering, and Glenn notices some bruises on her, probably from her scuffle with Alicia Witt and her shitty band of miscreants because again, taking pregnant women out on MURDERDEATHKILL missions is always something you need to do. Daryl is on his motorcycle with the “Dennis” keychain that Denise found before she got an arrow in the eye, and he looks like he’s about to do something stupid. But then we have, for me, the best part of the montage. Sasha gives Abe a cigar as they’re switching guard posts, and they’re all smiling and happy, and then Sasha catches Rosita’s eye…..ooooooooooooooooooooooh. That look Rosita gives her is so good. It’s part sadness, part “bitch I’ma fight you at some point”, and Sasha almost looks at her like, “yeah, I know it’s coming”.

-Michonne and Rick are in bed, eating an apple loudly, and I forgot this was a thing. Michonne has to get up and help Maggie, who is worried about an attack, but Rick is like, nah, we got this, which means they absolutely don’t got this and something fucked up is about to happen. Then we get to Michonne outside with Maggie and Glenn, and they’re telling her that ain’t shit gon’ happen, when they see Daryl opening the gate and leaving on his bike, so of course, they have to follow him: Glenn, Michonne and Rosita head out, and Rosita knows where he is going, she says. Then, Tobin takes Carol’s goodbye note to Rick, who leaves with Morgan of all people to go find her. Great, so we have six people gone from the group, all of whom are good-to-great fighters. If the Saviors are watching Alexandria, they’re laughing like, yo, we ain’t even have to do anything.And the best part of Carol’s note is when it says, don’t try to find me…..does she know who the hell she is talking to? Yeesh.

-Carol is driving down the road in her car with spikes coming out of it, because that’s not going to draw attention. A truck drives past her, and they shoot the tires out. They demand that she gets out of the car, and then they find out where she is coming from, which they know because they’ve seen cars with spikes out of them at Alexandria. Carol is like, man, just go away and no one needs to get hurt; basically, don’t bring the Killa out. She’s basically Bruce Banner and the Hulk at this point. When they don’t do what she says, Carol sprays them with a gun in her coat sleeve, which is what she was sewing at the beginning of the episode. There is one Savior left, or so it seems, and that is what we see during the pre-credit scene: he charges at her, there is a gunshot and that is it. The blood we see is his as she shoots him, but did he get her with his knife? MYSTERY.

-Maggie tries to get some food before her guard shift, but Enid says she’ll do it so Maggie can rest. Does Maggie not know she is pregnant? I get she wants to help, but come on, bruh.

-Morgan and Rick are driving east, which they deduced from tire tracks. Rick says that Morgan doesn’t know Carol and he doesn’t know why he is doing this, and Morgan is like, nah, we got to know each other a bit, and then he speaks in vague cliches about right and wrong and it’s getting really annoying. They get to the shootout site, where there is another Savior, but he hides while Rick and Morgan survey the scene. They see a blood trail, which they deduce is Carol’s and they start following, while the Savior comes out of the woods, grabs Carol’s beads and starts following them. Oh, Rick and Morgan killed the Savior that rushed Carol. I think that was him.

-Rosita, Michonne and Glenn to get to where Denise was killed, and they find Daryl’s bike hidden, so Rosita was right as Daryl came back to find Dwight and kill him. This seems like such a terrible idea. Glenn and Michonne want to bring him back, but Rosita thinks they should let him do what he has to do. So they track him easily enough; example #1 of Daryl being a bad tracker. But that’s just the tip of the goddamn iceberg and yeah, he shoots an arrow close enough to them to know that he knows they’re there; I don’t care. They want him to come home, but Daryl tells them that he should have killed Dwight back in “Always Accountable” (which I apparently skipped in these recaps because I think I was on holiday), and Denise would still be alive. I don’t know about that because Denise was pretty stupid and probably would have gotten herself killed anyway, but it wouldn’t have been by Dwight. So yeah, you gotta kill everyone in this world. Anyway, he leaves, Rosita is like, he’s right and goes with him, leaving Glenn and Michonne there like, the fuck just happened? But of course, Dwight and ’em come outta nowhere and surround them; example #2 of Daryl’s tracking abilities. Also, his shitty soliloquy gave the Saviors time to come up with their “surround” plan. Yeah, this all Daryl’s fault.

-Rick and Morgan continue their back-and-forth about life being precious and shit, and Morgan remembers that they threw Carol in the bushes after she killed those people at the prison, and what would happen now; Rick says they would thank her, and Morgan is like, you see what happens when you give people another chance? But that’s different, bruh; that’s Carol, not some mufucka with a W in his forehead THAT TELLS YOU, POINT BLANK, HE’S GON’ COME BACK AND KILL YOU. Why is this so hard for him to understand?  Rick is like, I’ll deal with that later as they approach a farmhouse, and they see a walker that kinda looks like Carol, but it isn’t. They reach the farmhouse and there is a dude there, and he says he is looking for his horse, and Rick is like, we’re looking for our friend. The dude peaces out, but a buncha walkers emerge and that allows him to run while Rick and Morgan fight them off. Rick thinks dude is a Savior and Morgan is like, we don’t know that….really, who cares. He also tells Rick that he had that dude in the basement, and Carol knew about it, but that Wolf saved Denise, who then saved Carl in the most roundabout fucking argument I’ve ever heard. He ain’t know that dude threatened Denise on a damn-near minutely basis and if Denise would have died, he wouldn’t have cared. Man. Fuck Morgan, b. Anyway, he tells Rick that he should go back and he’ll go after Carol, and Rick gives him a gun and he doesn’t wanna take it, but Rick is like, don’t be stupid. Rick also tells Morgan that Michonne did steal the protein bar from the premiere, “First Time Again“. Morgan is like, mufucka, I know and they laugh. I forgot about that.

-Rick gets back to Alexandria, and everyone is still gone, and the two share a moment about being afraid to get close to anyone again. Fair, but yo…..we ain’t got time for this sappy shit right now.

-Maggie gets Enid to cut her hair short, like, Carol’s length, and Maggie says she has to keep going, so I guess she needs a change. But just then, she starts screaming in pain and doubles over, and Enid starts freaking out. Maggie better not lose this baby. Sure wish there was something close to a doctor left, but oh wait, she decides to try and play warrior last week.

-Daryl and Rosita are sneaking around and they see Glenn and Michonne tied up, and he tells them to be quiet, but Glenn is obviously tryna warn him and oh wouldn’t you fucking know it, there is Dwight, behind Daryl with a gun. He pulls the trigger and says “he’ll be alright” as there is a buncha blood splatter and the episode ends. The final example of Daryl being a terrible tracker. There have been other examples in past episodes, too. He was good in the early seasons, but he is just awful in the last few. And honestly, he hope he is dead, but I’m prepared for him to be alive because after the Glenn thing, you won’t fool me again. He should be dead and Carol should be dead, and it hurts my soul to say it, but they should be and I hope they are.

-Oh yeah, before I wrap this up: Flight 462 had their 15th episode, and the pieces are finally coming together. The glass broke and the plane is going down and as they’re going through people putting on their masks, you get a quick look at a flight attendant and she doesn’t look good at all. So they’re gon’ crash in the ocean, which is where all the zombies come from in the trailer for the second season of Fear The Walking Dead (which I’m not sure if I’ma write about this season because life is busy and Game Of Thrones takes precedence….maybe I’ll break it up in five-episode recaps). That’s my guess. The last clip will air during next week’s finale.

So what do I think will happen next week? I think we should finally see Negan, who is going to kill someone. I guess if I had to rank them, I’d say Daryl is most likely, followed by Carol, Michonne and Glenn. Someone gotta die, though. I’ll be pissed if that doesn’t happen. What is Carl planning to do with that gun? Will Morgan use the gun that Rick gave him? Will the Saviors hit Alexandria now that they’re terribly outmanned? I’m not watching any trailers or anything, but I do know it’s 90 minutes. Let’s go, The Walking Dead. You’ve brought us this far with your ridiculousness. Don’t back off now.

 

The Walking Dead S06E13 – The Same Boat

The Walking Dead rolled towards the finish line of Season 6 with “The Same Boat”, and there wasn’t a lot that happened in this episode. All it did was strengthen my belief that my favorite character is probably not long for this world. Let’s go…..

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-It starts where “Not Tomorrow Yet” left off, with Carol and Maggie getting ambushed. Carol doesn’t kill the man that runs up on them, because she has a conscience now, which isn’t going to work out for her. Then they’re surrounded by the Saviors, led by Alicia Witt, whose name is Paula here, but she has been in everything. Seriously, everything. Anyway, we see Paula talking to Rick about the hostage situation.

-Maggie and Carol are taken to a cell, where they get to know the rest of Paula’s crew. They leave for a minute and Carol finds some rosary beads on the floor, while Maggie tries to at least loosen her bonds around her hands. The group returns and Carol starts hyperventilating, and Maggie is like, uhhhhhhhh, I don’t know if this is a plan or what, but sure, I’ll roll with it. Meanwhile, Carol is getting made fun of by Molly, but Carol asks her not to smoke because of Maggie’s baby. I’m not sure I would have told the group that Maggie was pregnant, but hey, she must have a plan.

-The guy that Carol shot is PISSED that Paula and ’em are letting Carol and Maggie live, and starts wylin’ out, smacking Paula and kicking Carol, until Paula gunbutts him and knocks his ass out. Paula doesn’t look like she is in control of much here. That’s one of my main issues with this episode, and really, I only have two: one is that I don’t buy Alicia Witt as the ringleader of a bad group. I’ll get to two in a bit here. Sucks, too. I’ve always liked her in stuff. I just didn’t buy it.

-Michelle, one of the Saviors, tells Maggie that she was pregnant once, and that Maggie should know that her group aren’t the good guys. Maggie is looking at her like, I didn’t say we were, but I’ll let you cook. Paula is in the other room telling Carol that she’s pathetic, which means she’s not going to make it out of this episode. Rick tries to holla at Paula to see what’s up with this hostage trade, but Paula isn’t much for talking. Carol tries to explain to Paula why her group killed those people at the outpost because Negan’s motorcycle gang tried to take Daryl, Sasha and Abe. Then Molly says some bullshit about them all being Negan, and at this point, just show the man (and I know it’s a man because of the leaked casting). This is getting annoying now. I want them all to die. Oh, and then Carol and Paula play the “well, you’re a killer too” game. You’re both killers. Stop it.

-Paula does radio Rick to set something up, but she worries that Rick and ’em are already close to, or already inside, their building. Paula and Molly leave, and Carol gets herself free, of course. Carol goes to rescue Maggie, who decides that they can’t leave anyone alive, because pregnant Maggie is in a position to make this decision. They also find that Donnie died of his gunshot from Carol and is starting to turn, and when Donnie attacks Molly, they kill her and take her gun. Meanwhile, Paula gets back to the cell and sees all the dead bodies, and is like, OH SHIT I’M NOT BUILT FOR THIS AT ALL.

-Carol and Maggie meet Paula at the hallway of death, which features a slew of impaled walkers right down the middle. Paula wastes all her bullets and doesn’t hit anyone, and Carol tells Paula to run so she doesn’t have to kill her, even Maggie is like, KILL HER. And this is issue #2: Carol is going to die. She’s getting soft and that doesn’t work out in the world of The Walking Dead. Then a walker comes out of nowhere and Maggie kills it, and then goes to fight Michelle. Why the hell is pregnant Maggie doing all this fighting? Does this bother anyone? Anyway, Michelle slashes at her stomach, but Maggie narrowly avoids it and then Carol shoots her in the head.

-Carol doesn’t want to kill an injured Paula, but Paula rushes at her and Carol has to push her into an impaled walker, which eats Paula’s face. Then Carol concocts a plan to meet the rest of the Saviors in a room, which she sets on fire in what was probably the best scene of the episode. Carol’s kill count is now, what, 25, 26? She’s getting there. Anyway, they get out of the slaughterhouse, killing a turned Paula along the way, and reunite with the group. Maggie and Glenn hug, and Daryl asks Carol if she is okay; Carol is like, NAH BRUH.

-Rick asks the guy that they have held hostage, Primo, if Negan was in there and Primo is like, I’m Negan, and Rick is like, fuck this, and shoots him. There ya go.

-Oh, before I forget, outside of the “setting everyone on fire” part, the best part of the episode was the latest clip for Fear The Walking Dead: Flight 462……oooooooooooh buddy. Only two left in that, as well. AMC is capitalizing on this like shit, and good for them.

That “I’m not okay” by Carol at the end of the episode was the most telling part. She is getting racked by guilt over all the dirt that she has done, and I think it started with Sam. I understand why she is because Carol hasn’t been a good person, but she’s still my favorite character and is now at the top of the Death Pool rankings, which is a constant revolving door. I’m just kinda bitter that an episode centered around two of my three favorite characters was just so…..I don’t know….meeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhh.

So now, it’s really just a matter of who is going to die….someone is. The mission for Rick’s group is to find Negan, which I hope they do soon because this whole “we’re all Negan” shit is annoying. But there are only three episodes left in Season 6 of The Walking Dead, so we should get some answers soon.

The Walking Dead S06E12 – Not Tomorrow Yet

The Walking Dead is coming down the homestretch now with “Not Tomorrow Yet”, as the battle with Negan and the Saviors is looming. This was a nice little start, but the ending definitely raised the stakes. Let’s go…..

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-We open with Carol, doing her little homemaker thing, going through how much food they don’t have anymore in Alexandria. Remember that run Daryl and Rick were supposed to make, to find crops and shit, and instead started fuckin’ around with Jesus and not driving back to the spot like they were supposed to? Yeah. But she takes some time out to kill a walker while out looking for stuff, and it’s gon’ take a lot of Tide pens to get that blood out. Anyway, she makes acorn cookies, and I’d eat ’em, because her casseroles were godly and her cookies shut Sam up….also made him go a little crazy, but these things happens. She gives the cookies to everyone, including Tobin, and they do some weird old-people flirting. This is going to be gross.

-Rick and ’em return and Rick tells everyone to meet at the church in an hour. He tells Carol that they’re gon’ have to fight, and Carol looks like she feels some kinda way about it. Killa Carol…..now is NOT the time to get soft on me. That’s how mufuckas die, and you’re the only person on this godforsaken show that I don’t want to die. Then Morgan comes around the corner and asks Carol why he didn’t tell Rick about the Wolf that he tried to rehabilitate, and Carol is like, we ain’t got time for that shit right now. Morgan always wants to talk about shit. Then she drops a cookie off at Sam’s headstone and we’re off.

-Rick tells the group of a plan to kill the Saviors before they attack Alexandria, and OH LOOK, THERE GOES MORGAN WANTING TO TALK TO THEM. I’m getting real sick of this guy….but it sucks because he can fight and you need fighters. I know he wasn’t around for Terminus or the Governor, but this is getting ridiculous. No one has his back, though, and Rick is like, aight, everybody gotta die. But for a second, Jesus looks at Morgan, and I bet he’ll talk to Morgan at some point. I don’t trust that dude for a second.

-Carol wakes up in the middle of the night and adds “Ws7” to a list, which means she killed seven of the Wolves, and she tallies up that she has killed 18 people so far. KILLA CAROL PUTTIN’ IN WORK.

-Sigh. She’s gon’ die.

-Maggie tells Glenn that she is going on this mission because she is the one who brokered the deal, but she will stay on the perimeter. This seems like a REALLY bad idea. I admire her courage, but Maggie has bigger things to worry about. Going out on potential killing missions while pregnant has to be against some kind of rule, although I guess all rules are out in the zombie apocalypse.

-Carol finds Tobin on his porch, and Tobin marvels at her ability  to do, as he says, things that terrify him. He boils it down to her maternal instinct and being protective, but he also says that she is more to him to that, and they kiss. Yup. She’s dying. I’m just preparing for that now. Fuck.

-Abe is packing up his shit and Rosita is like, NAH BRUH. And then he hits her with, “I thought you were the last woman on Earth, but you’re not”. What a dickhole. I don’t know, some people like him, but I’ve never liked Abe. Honestly, he could die in this episode and I’d be like, cool. But again, you need fighters. But for a laugh, Eugene got the door shut on him and I got this text from my homegirl Holly: “And for comic relief, we got Eugene seeing his parents split up”. That nails that.

-Elsewhere, Tara and Denise have a moment and Tara tells her that she loves her, which seems like it’s moving kinda fast, but hey, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Denise says she’ll say it when Tara comes back; she is also going on a two-week run after they do this mission. Meanwhile, Rick gives the blueprint for how they’re going to attack the Saviors, and that they’re going to give them Gregory’s head. This sounds like a bloody plan. I like it.

-That Brothers Grimsby movie looks terrible. I might be the only person in the world that doesn’t find that Borat dude funny.

-The group gets to a spot and they beep horns to attract walkers, and they decide they’ll meet later. Father Bitchass tells Rick that he won’t back down and Rick is like, why you still wearin’ that church stuff. and FB replies that he still thinks he is who he was, or some bullshit. Also, it’ll be harder for them to see him in the dark. Now THAT shit was funny. Then Rosita runs up on Carol and tells her that she almost told Rick and ’em about Morgan in the church, and Carol tells her to keep her mouth shut, which she agrees to do, but Rosita’s so mad. For good reason, but she’s maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. Better not run up on Carol like you’re about to do something.

-Glenn and Heath kills two walkers and they tell each other that they haven’t killed people yet, only walkers. I’ll take their word for it because I’m not looking through six seasons of stuff, but that surprises me about Glenn. He has never shot anyone? Not even at Terminus or with the Governor? Huh. Interesting.

-Glenn had sawed off that walker’s head, which added to the numbers of heads. Rick’s plan is to use one of those heads to fool the Saviors, who would think it was Gregory, and then roll in through the front. Jesus says that the nose on the head Rick picked is different from Gregory, so Rick punches the head in the face a buncha times. Andy, who was part of the Hilltops, says “the Saviors: they’re scary but those pricks got nothing on you.”. Yeah, dogg, Rick ain’t here for fuckin’ around. He makes terrible decisions and he’s probably going to get people killed, but he doesn’t go back on what he decides.

-YOOOOOOOOOOOO That Fear The Walking Dead: Flight 462 joint. He FINALLY turned. Ate the fuck outta his wife, too haha.

The Purge: Election Year. That is a real thing. I thought it was fake until just now.

-Andy rolls up to the Saviors’ compound with the head in a bag, and the guards say that it’s cool, but Daryl slides up and kills one of them while the other goes to get someone. The group heads into the compound and starts puttin’ in work, and Rick gets kill of the week for slowly, and grossly, putting his knife in the head of a sleeping dude. That shit was great. Glenn and Heath do the same thing, although Glenn takes one for Heath, who ain’t about that life. Man, I coulda SWORN Glenn killed a mufucka or three before. But he doesn’t feel so bad now, because the Saviors kept trophy pictures of people they killed, with their heads crushed. And these are the mufuckas Morgan want to talk to? Fuck outta here.

-Tara and Father B (I’m just getting lazy now, and I barely remember dude’s name at this point) are with Jesus, Andy and some Craig guy, that the guard apparently went to get (and I assume he is dead now) in a car. Tara tells Father B that she feels some kinda way about this mission, and that is why she told Denise that she loved her, and Father B is like, well, you have a reason to fight now. If only Jesus and Andy knew that they could get outta this with no problems. Get past Tara and they’re good.

-Abe and Sasha find a Savior and after a fight, the Savior pulls the alarm, so there goes that plan. Maggie wants to go in and fight, and Carol is like, are you fuckin’ crazy? Shoulda left her ass at home. The fight is on now; Aaron has to stab a guy after running in his room, Tara pops two people, Glenn and Heath find an armory and lay waste to a buncha people on the other side of the door, and Jesus finishes one of them off. Even Father B kills someone, and hits ’em with an “Amen”. Alright, buddy. That’s a good start to removing the B from your name.

-In the morning, the group does a sweep. Glenn asks Heath and Tara to postpone their run, but they decide to go anyway. We see Morgan back at Alexandria, welding what I think is a door for a cell. Michonne asks Rick about which one he thought Negan was and just then, a Savior comes outta nowhere on Daryl’s bike. Rosita shoots him, Daryl punches him a couple times and all is good….until a female voice comes over the radio that is on the Savior. The voice tells Rick to lower his gun, which is pointed at the Savior, and she says that they have Carol and Maggie, and they should talk about some stuff.

-I didn’t see the post-credit scene if there was one, so yeah, I’ll look for that later.

So, we’ll find out who this woman was next week, and I assume she’ll get us closer to Negan. I know Negan is a dude until the casting news that came out last year was a lie. But now that they have Carol and Maggie, all bets are off. My bet is that Carol doesn’t make it back to Alexandria, and it’ll be Rick’s fault somehow (probably being a hothead). But hey, gotta take risks and they would have come for Alexandria anyway. These last four episodes of The Walking Dead are about to be fire, I can feel it.

 

The Walking Dead S06E08 – Start To Finish

The Walking Dead hit the midway point of Season 6 with “Start To Finish”, and they’re usually pretty solid when it comes to finales. While this one wasn’t great in terms of technical aspects, after a couple of dour episodes, they went into the break with hilarity. I doubt that was their goal, but this might have been the funniest episode I’ve seen of anything this season. Let’s go…..

-We open upstairs at Jessie’s house, and we see little creepy Sam leaving an empty plate outside his door because remember, he won’t come outside. He is drawing a picture of a boy tied to a tree with what appears to be walkers on either side of him, because he’s a shitty artist. This is a call back to last season when Carol told him that she would tie him to a tree and let the monsters get him if he told anyone that she was in the armory, I believe. All he wanted was some cookies and now he’s scarred for life, which is hilarious. Then we go to ants coming through his window and converging on a cookie that he hasn’t eaten, which I actually liked a lot because it signifies the walkers coming through the walls at Alexandria. Some fake-deep shit, but but it gets the point across.

-The first segment starts with the tower falling and the walkers starting to come through, and it is basically a look at everyone trying to get away. Ron is about to shoot Carl, but realizes they have bigger problems. Rick is yelling at everyone, which is no surprise. Deanna steps up to help Rick because she has her second wind now. Morgan and Carol are running away and in a very unlike-Carol thing, she trips over nothing like Blond White Girl #2 in a horror movie. Morgan helps her up as they get back to his place, while Deanna also falls, but Rick saves her. Maggie also can’t stand up and shoutout to Holly for texting me, “My favorite part is when the walkers first broke through, and everyone from the original crew was falling down like weeble wobbles”. But Maggie shoots her way to a ladder and of course, she gets away. She also looks up in the sky and sees Glenn’s balloons again.

-Eugene is hiding around the corner and he hears Daryl say “hello” on Rick’s dropped radio, but he is standing there with a machete and freezes when approached by walkers, and has to get saved by Rosita and Tara, and they run into a garage. I know Eugene is a punk, but at this point, bruh? COME ON. SACK UP. After lying about being a scientist, the least you can do is not be a bitch. He’s fighting with Father Bitchass and Ron for the top spot on my “Mufuckas Gotta Die” list. Meanwhile, Rick, Deanna, Jessie, Michonne, Father Bitchass, Carl and Ron run into Jessie’s house, and shoutout to Deanna pointing out walkers to Rick like a running back pointing out blockers to his offensive line. COMICAL.

-Glenn and Enid are watching the walkers invade Alexandria, and Glenn is tryna think of a way to get in to help, but Enid is being sour as she tends to do. She says some bullshit about letting the world die and Glenn is like, fuck all that. Glenn is starting to get a little annoying, and it’s not even his fault. Like Maggie, he is the victim of shitty writing, which is terrible because I really like both of them. Oh well, I guess.

-Sam opens his door to see everything happening, as Rick takes a bleeding Deanna into a room so they can assess the situation, and everything is chaotic. Jessie sees a traumatized Sam and tells him to pretend to be brave. So what does Sam do? He closes the door and man, let me tell you something: I laughed for like 15 minutes straight. All I pictured was the Homer Simpson GIF where he backs into the bushes. I had to pause and rewind I was laughing so hard. I’m laughing about it again. That might be the single-funniest thing I’ve seen on TV all year. Shit. I got tears in my eyes again.

-Morgan and Carol are hangin’ out and he thinks she is concussed, but Carol ain’t tryna hear it. Denise is downstairs with Morgan’s Wolf friend, who Holly said looked like Skeet Ulrich on a meth binge (and she’s not wrong). He is tryna convince her to untie him, but Denise ain’t fallin’ for it. She’s gon’ get killed, b. This seems like one of the worst plans in the history of The Walking Dead, a show well-known for terrible plans. He shows her his wound and she takes out an IV. Because he deserves to use up their medicine.

-Speaking of wounds, we see Deanna’s and Michonne realizes that she has been bitten, which happened when she fell earlier. The camera pans around at Rick and then to Deanna, who says, “Well……..shit”. Perfect. This has to be a top-three most humorous TWD episode of all time.

-Rick’s new plan is to get to the armory to get some flares so he can draw the walkers away, and Jessie is like, whatever you think, bruh. Meanwhile, Michonne is with Deanna and tells her that she thinks her Alexandria expansion will work, but Deanna is more interested in asking Michonne what she really wants out of life. I tuned out at some point because Deanna about to die and I don’t care.

-Now here we go: Carl goes to the garage, where Ron is being all sad and thinking they’re gon’ die and Enid is dead and that Rick is a killer and gets people killed, including his father. Carl replies with, aye, your dad also killed someone, and Ron is like, touche. Didn’t think that through, did you, fuckboy? Anyway, he pulls out his gun and Carl is like, if you pull it out, you better use it, and the two get to fighting. Ron swings a shovel at Carl and breaks a window, which draws walkers to the house. Rick and Jessie run down and Rick breaks down the door to save the boys, and he asks Carl what’s up; Carl lies and said they were making noise tryna keep the walkers away, and Rick is like, WHY YOU LYIN’, BRUH. Ron stutters and is like, uh, yeah, that’s what happened, and goes upstairs.

-Carl runs up on Ron like, the fuck are you doin’ and pulls the gun on him, and Ron tries to apologize, but Carl is like, yeah I know, bitch, gimme your fuckin’ gun. He gets Ron’s gun and says, look, I know my dad killed your dad and you’re salty, but your dad was an asshole, and again, the laughs start rollin’. On the low, Carl’s come-up from being an annoying kid to a teenager who knows what’s up in the zombie apocalypse has been pretty good. I know we all hated him as a kid. Shoutout to Chandler Riggs. Now we just need Enid to make a man out of him and we’re good.

Fear The Walking Dead: Flight 462. Ol’ boy is dead on the ground and the U.S.Marshal won’t let the Asian lady who be knowin’ get close to him. He is dead…..and he reanimates with those eyes. YUP. That was more dramatic than any single thing in this episode.

-Judith starts crying upstairs as the crew surveys the scene outside, because you should leave a baby alone at times like these. Rick goes upstairs and sees Deanna kneeling over Judith, and he thinks she’s gone full zombie on her, and is really ready to chop her head off before Deanna is like, AYE YO I’M NOT A ZOMBIE YET SHIT DON’T KILL ME. Again, more comedy. He takes Deanna back to her room, and she gives him notes for Spencer and Maggie, and asks Rick to watch Spencer like he is one of his people. Then she tells him that they’re all his people, which was the right answer to her question last week about why he saved Spencer. Man, these BEEN Rick’s people, they just don’t know it yet.

-Eugene, Tara and Rosita are still in their garage, tryna think about what they can do since there are a thousand walkers out there. Eugene is reading a history book, but he has a paper clip or something, which he can use to pick the lock to get out of the garage and into the house. Good for you. You can pick locks. Useless motherfucker.

-The lock he is picking is to get into Morgan’s, where he is tryna convince Carol that the Wolf doesn’t need to die and Carol ain’t buying it. Meanwhile, walkers are really putting the boots to Jessie’s place and cause the group to run upstairs, where the walkers are stopped on the steps by a couch. Sure, why not?

-Carol goes downstairs and tells Denise to get away from the Wolf, holding a knife to her, and Morgan gets in the middle of it. At Jessie’s, Rick realizes that they have to get outta there. I don’t know where they managed to get walkers from, but they come up with the plan to drench themselves in walker guts so they can get out of the house, and Father Bitchass, Jessie and Ron are like, mufucka what? But Rick and Michonne are like, we’ve done it before and really, what other choice do they have?

-Seriously though……where did they get those walkers?

-Morgan and Carol are arguing about what needs to be done and they get to fighting, and Carol, God love her, is keeping up with Morgan….until he powerslams her and that is the end of that. But then the Wolf has gotten free, and knocks Morgan out with his own damn staff, of course. Back at Jessie’s, Michonne tells Deanna that she will kill her before she turns and Deanna is like, nah, I got a gun, I’ll do it when I’m ready. She’s lookin’ mighty deathly anyway. Jessie is tryna convince Sam that this is the move and he isn’t getting it, but eventually says he’ll pretend and he is about to get at least two people killed. Goddamn, Carol fucked his head up hahahahahaha

-The crew get ready to head out, and Father Bitchass tries to persuade Rick that he’s ready for this and back out, and Rick is like, whatever man, I hope you die anyway.

-Denise pleads with the Wolf not to kill Morgan and Carol, but then Tara, Eugene and Rosita run up on them and the Wolf takes Denise hostage before they just wander outside…..do they not know that there are thousands of walkers out there? Whatever, man. Whatever.

-Rick gives Judith to Carl, who puts her under his guts-soaked poncho and the crew heads out into the herd, holding hands. Meanwhile, Glenn climbs a tree and sees Maggie. Deanna is about to kill herself, but decides to go out into the herd, where she thinks she’ll die in a blaze of glory. However, we don’t see it, but I bet they ate the shit outta her.

-After the credits, which I didn’t see until yesterday, we see Sasha, Abe and Daryl driving a truck down the road, and they’re stopped by some dudes with guns on motorcycles. I missed the part where they even got back together, but man, there’s a lot of fuckery going on in this show. Anyway, the bikers tell them give up all their shit and Daryl asks why, and the main biker says that all their shit belongs to Negan now. I stopped reading the comics before he came around, so don’t tell me who he is because I don’t care and I’ll figure it out when it comes back in February; Valentine’s Day, to be exact. And I heard that some comic readers are mad about how they introduced Negan, it’s different from the comics. If you haven’t figured out that the show is different from the comics after 5 1/2 seasons, I don’t know what to tell ya, bruh. Why are you even still watching?

Season 6 of The Walking Dead started out with a bang, and then kinda went downhill for the final three episodes: this joint, the Daryl/Sasha/Abe joint and Glenn’s return. I get what they were tryna do with this episode, but the execution was terrible and it turned out to be absolutely hilarious, which is something. But now we have to wait until February to see how Glenn gets back to Maggie, how many people Sam gets killed, who or what Negan is (again, don’t tell me), and how the Wolf and Denise get through this herd of walkers without getting killed. If nothing else, The Walking Dead is entertaining, and I’ve always said that. It’s just not very good a lot of the time, and that’s fine.