After “The Queen’s Justice”, I’m already getting ready to be mad at Game Of Thrones. There will be no justice for the one that deserves it the most, which goes against everything this show is about. Also, kinda upset about the lack of torture, and I think that makes me a terrible person. Let’s go…..
-Dragonstone is the obvious place to start. Dany and Jon meet, Missandei goes through all 83 of Dany’s names and Davos is like, aye, this is Jon, King of the North….yeah, that’s it. Jon won’t bend the knee, Dany tells him not to think of her like her father, yet a little bit of the Mad King comes out with each word and I wish she would just embrace the insanity. Jon tries to tell them about the Army of the Dead and everyone thinks he’s crazy, except Tyrion because he knows Jon a little and knows he wouldn’t lie about something as crazy as this. Davos tries to pipe up and tell Dany that Jon united the wildlings and the the Wall to fight the White Walkers, and almost tells them about the whole “knife to the heart and coming back to life” and Jon is like, YO, CHILL, THEY AIN’T NEED TO KNOW THAT RIGHT NOW. Long story short is that all this shit is moot when the Walkers come, but since they’re both being stubborn, Dany sends Jon and Davos to their quarters and says that they’re not her prisoners…..not yet. She also gets word from Varys that Euron jacked Yara and company, so they’ll figure out the Jon shit later.
-Jon and Tyrion meet up and again, Tyrion says he believes Jon, along with Jeor Mormont (Jorah’s father, ex-Commander of the Night’s Watch) as they’ve both claimed to have seen the White Walkers. Tyrion also wants Jon to know that he wants to help, but he needs to know what he can actually do because Dany ain’t tryna hear about this White Walker thing right now. He then goes to Dany and is like, yo, you give him the dragonglass underneath Dragonstone because seriously, you’re not using it, so it’s useless to you. Jon, in turn, is an ally in this Cersei/Euron thing that is about to go down. Everyone is happy. Dany said it best early in the episode when Jon said that Tyrion likes to talk, and she says that everyone likes what they’re good at. No one on the show is better at talking than Tyrion…..one person comes close, but we’ll sadly get to her in a bit.
-Jon meets Dany and the two come to an agreement that she’ll let him mine the dragonglass, with men and equipment. Jon doesn’t say that he’ll help against Cersei, but he doesn’t say that he doesn’t, so I guess that’s an agreement? Jon asks Dany if she believes him about the White Walkers and shit, and Dany’s like, sure, fine, get to work, we’ll talk about ya little ghosts and shit later.
-Theon’s fuck ass gets rescued by a boat. They could have let him drown. They should have let him drown. They ask him what happened to Yara, and ask why he is still alive if he tried to help her, WHICH HE DIDN’T. He’s trash. Pure and utter trash. Fuck his PTSD. Fuck his castration. Fuck him. And they’re setting him up for this big, stupid redemption that he doesn’t deserve one little bit. He might be my most hated character in the history of the show, and that’s more than Joffrey and Ramsay. He’s the worst.
-We’ll go back to Dragonstone in a bit, but next, it’s off to the Citadel, where the Archmaester figures out that Sam treated Lord Friendzone and he’s all good to go now. Jorah thanks Sam and says that he hopes their paths cross again, which they obviously will, likely in Dragonstone. But Sam gets no love from the Archmaester, who orders him to make copies of these dirty-ass manuscripts, and he’s lucky he ain’t get fired. But Sam is smart and he’ll find something in those manuscripts. Something other than AIDS or the ‘scale. You could smell the stank comin’ off ’em through the screen.
-On to Winterfell, where Sansa realizes that they don’t have enough food for the winter. Littlefinger then goes on this little rant about fighting everyone and everything, not just Cersei. Jon gotta get back there or Winterfell will be ashes in Littlefinger’s pocket by the time he is done. However, they’re interrupted by someone telling Sansa that Bran is there. Bran is stone-faced as Sansa cries, and they head out to the Godswood Tree (I had no idea it had a name, I always called it the Face Tree). Anyway, Bran is all, “I’m The Three-Eyed Raven” and Sansa is all, I’ve no clue what the hell that means, and she wants him to explain it, but rightfully, Bran says it’s complicated and he doesn’t have time to be a Lord of anything. Then he says that he’s sorry about what happened to her, which is what happened on her wedding night with Ramsay, and Sansa is like, the fuck did you know about that, and runs off. Bran is a very strange little boy/young man/I’ve no idea how old he is anymore. Somewhere between 14 and 72. I can’t wait for him to drop the Jon/Dany bomb, that shit’s about to be SO GOOD.
-At King’s Landing, Euron leads Yara, Ellaria and Tyene through the streets, where they get the treament Cersei did on her Walk of Atonement. He takes his gift to Cersei, who in return makes him the Commander of the navy, while Jaime is the Commander of the army. Euron gets a couple bars off about needing tips from Jaime about how to have sex with Cersei, and Jaime says he should get his head out on a spike, but Euron says they’ll deal with each other later, which will be fun.
-Cersei is in a cell with Qyburn, FrankenMountain, Ellaria and Tyene, and Cersei goes on about Oberyn’s death, which she rightfully says would have been a win for him if he wasn’t tryna prematurely party. Then she goes on about Ellaria murdering Myrcella, and tries to figure out how she’s going to kill them. She could have FrankenMountain crush their skulls, but that would be too quick and easy. So instead, she kisses Tyene with the same poison that Ellaria killed Myrcella with, and she has to watch her daughter turn to bone and dust. She also says that they’ll force food down her throat so she doesn’t try to starve herself to death. That’s pretty awful…..but I was waiting for torture because Game Of Thrones has conditioned me to be an awful person. But hey, life goes on. Either way, it’s still pretty bad.
-Cersei and Jaime have the sex, because that’s what they do, dirtyin’ sheets and shit. Then Cersei meets up with Tycho, someone from the Iron Bank. Long story short, Cersei gets the Iron Bank (to whom the Lannisters already owe a grip to) to back her over Dany, who has killed the slave trade, which is one of their biggest revenue streams. Very Tywin-esque of Cersei and Tycho says as much. Cersei is becoming a little too smart. She’s gon’ die soon.
-OH, almost forgot about Varys and Melisandre, who tells Varys that she and Jon didn’t exactly leave on good terms. Varys says that he doesn’t think that she should come back to Westeros, but Melisandre says she’ll be back, she has to die there, as does Varys. Ominous and all, but a lot happened in this episode and I don’t have time to unpack all that.
-Quickly, back to Dragonstone, where Tyrion is plotting out how they’re gon’ take Casterly Rock. The place will be well-guarded, but the best way to go through is via the sewers, where Tyrion had to sneak in prostitutes past his father. And the plan works as the Unsullied go in and wreck shop, led by Grey Worm……but he’s like, where are the rest of the Lannisters? There should be many more…..
-…..Jaime wound up taking the squad to Highgarden, where they rolled over the Tyrells easily enough. Meanwhile, Euron and his people were firing all sorts of arrows and fire at the Targaryen ships that brought Grey Worm and ’em. Sucks about Grey Worm. Life got too good for my man with Missandei. He gotta die now.
-Jaime walks in on Lady O, who knows the end is coming. He learned from his loss to Robb Stark at the Whispering Wood, and that Casterly Rock doesn’t really mean that much anymore, outside of childhood memories. Lady O does get a couple bars off tho, managing to call Joffrey a cunt and a coward all at once, and she tells Jaime that Cersei is a monster, but she also realizes that he actually does love her, incest and all. She says that Cersei will be the end of him, and Jaime is like, fuck all this, I got this poison for you to drink so Cersei doesn’t torture you. She drinks it, but before he leaves, Lady O tells Jaime that it was her that killed Joffrey, that she had never seen the poison work before, and that it wasn’t Tyrion’s fault at all. She hit him with the, “and I want Cersei to know that it was me”…….OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH. I stood and clapped up in that mufucka. The Queen of Thorns stays with those quips. I’ma miss Lady O. Pound-for-pound, one of the best characters in the show.
Well, here we are. The next episode will be the halfway point, and Dany now needs to make a move because she’s getting worked. I think she realizes that, she’s been listening to everyone else and now, she’s doing what she want because motherfucker, she has dragons. We’ll probably check in on Arya, who should be close to Winterfell now, but she could also run into The Hound. Bran will probably say something creepy again. Cersei will be drinking wine and being nefarious. And Grey Worm gotta get his people outta Casterly Rock. I read somewhere that Game Of Thrones officially hit the gas with this episode. They were right. Let’s do this.