Tag Archives: Night’s King

Game Of Thrones S07E04 – The Spoils Of War

At 50 minutes, “The Spoils Of War” is the shortest episode of this season of Game Of Thrones. So how in the hell did it seem like EVERYTHING HAPPENED? From start to finish, this was an all-time classic. Let’s go…..

-We’ll start at King’s Landing, where it was pretty quiet this week for a change, Cersei is gettin’ her Scrooge McDuck on after the Fall of Highgarden as gold is being transported from there to her. She tells Tycho that she plans to pay off her debt to the Iron Bank, because you know how Lannisters do with debts and all. But of course, Cersei needs more money to keep the war going, and she wants to recruit the Golden Company, a group of mercenaries that we’ve only heard of once, back in Season 4 in a conversation between Davos and Stannis. Apparently, they’re pretty good at fighting. Tycho says that they’ll do it once they get the other money first. Cersei is getting the Golden Company, one way or another, make no bones about that. They better be good. She’s gon’ need ’em.

-On to Winterfell, where Littlefinger tries to suck up to Bran, giving him the Valyrian steel dagger that was meant to kill him back in Season 1. The joint that was the reason that Catelyn kidnapped Tyrion and blamed the hit on him. Anyway, Bran is really not here for any of that shit and hits Littlefinger with the “Chaos is a ladder” line that Littlefinger said to Varys. Oooooooooh, the look on Littlefinger’s face was priceless, how in the fuck did you know about that? It’s rare that you see Littlefinger shook, but “Shook Ones Part 2” started playin’ in the background, shouts to Mobb Deep, RIP Prodigy. Anyway, Littlefinger leaves to get his mind right, and Meera walks in to say goodbye to Bran, who is like, yeah, whatever, peace, dogg. Meera is like, mufuckas died for you, my brother, Hodor, a whole buncha mufuckas and you can’t even muster a smile? But Bran ain’t Bran anymore. He’s the Three-Eyed Raven now. She’ll understand on the long-ass walk back to her family.

-Arya finally gets back to Winterfell, and fuck those guards, b. She names off some names like Maester Luwin and Rodrik, who are both dead, and then she realizes that her sister is in charge. The guards still don’t believe and throw a punch, and they have no idea what in the world they’re getting into. She sneaks away easily and when they finally tell Sansa that they lost her, she knows where Arya is: where their father is buried. They embrace, they have some small talk and Arya tells Sansa about her list because she was mad that she didn’t get to kill Joffrey. The list is still going strong. You’d have to think that she and Ed Sheeran will team up to kill Cersei by the time this is over, right? Right. I’d be here for that. Anyway, Sansa takes Arya to Bran, and shouts to his wheelchair. Bran knows about the list because he thought Arya was going to King’s Landing to get Cersei, and Arya’s like, the fuck do you know about that? Sansa’s like, little brother is weird, b. It wasn’t quite the reunion that we had in mind for the Starks, but things done changed. Just wait until Jon gets back. Oh, and Bran gets Arya the dagger, which they deduce that someone rich wanted him dead because Valyrian steel is the top of the top. Sansa says that Littlefinger probably gave it to Bran because he wants something, and she’s probably right because Littlefinger.

-They head to the courtyard, where Brienne, God love, continues to try and train Pod, who is getting better at fighting. But she’s taking compliments now as Pod called her a lady and she’s like, yeah, sure, thanks. They’re still a top-two duo in this show, along with Arya and the Hound. Arya steps up and is like, lemme try and Brienne is like, aight, I’ll take it easy on you….and then she realizes that Arya, in the words of the great midwestern African poet, Rakim, ain’t no joke. She manages to knock Needle out of Arya’s hand, so Arya switches to the dagger, and Brienne is like, fuck this, and kicks Arya square in the chest. It’s all good, though. Brienne asks her where she learned to fight, and Arya says, “no one”. Clever. That whole storyline is the epitome of GOT: it might be annoying to watch right now, but it’ll come in handy. Littlefinger is worried. Sansa is like, what in the hell has Arya been up to?

-Alright, on to the good stuff: Dragonstone. Missandei is worried about Grey Worm and Dany is like, what did y’all do and Missandei was about to yell “DAT MOUF”, but Jon interrupts. He takes Dany to the dragonglass mine, which is filled with dragonglass, obviously, but there is more. There are all sorts of hieroglyphics down there, left by the Children of the Forest, and there are drawings of the First Men as well. Jon says that they have to come together to fight as the Children and the First Men did when they had to battle the White Walkers and the Night King, of which there are drawings. Dany is like, hmmmm, maybe this dude isn’t crazy? Which reminds me, I was talking to a coworker about this and he brought up a great point: why is this so hard to believe for Dany when SHE HAS DRAGONS? DRAGONS, B. The Targaryen arrogance might be her downfall. So they leave, and they’re greeted by Tyrion and Varys, who tell Dany that she has Casterly Rock now, but then there was Highgarden. So now, Dany is without Highgarden, Dorne and the Iron Islands, and it’s all because, high key, Tyrion isn’t that good at military strategy. He never has been. He’s fine when it comes to political maneuvering, but when it comes to armies and shit, not his strong suit. Dany then goes at Tyrion for possibly punking out because the Lannisters are his people, which may or may not be true, I think mostly not true…..but maybe a little? They still have the Unsullied and Dothraki, but Dany can’t feed them all without the Reach (of which the capital is Highgarden) because Cersei also took all of the foods. Dany is like, fuck y’all, I got dragons, and then asks Jon what she should do. He says that if she uses her dragons, she’s no better than the Mad King or anyone else. Dany is like, that’s not what I want to hear.

-Jon and Davos are walking, and Davos is like, yo, what’s good with you and the Dragon Queen, you tryna smash, and Jon is like, there is no time for that now. Oh Jon, if you only knew how much time there isn’t for that right now. Missandei asks why his last name is Snow when his pops was a Stark, and when he explains the idea of a bastard, she still doesn’t get it because in Naath, marriage isn’t a concept. Davos is like, oh word, what are you sayin’, girl…..but let’s take a step back when they say to Missandei that JON’S PARENTS WEREN’T MARRIED. That’s pretty good. I like the fact that GOT ain’t tryna be subtle with it anymore. Fuck it, we all know who the parents are, and we’re gon’ beat you over the head with it. No time for fuckin’ around.

-Theon the Fuckboy rolls up with his people, and Jon is like, the only reason I’m not killing you right now is because you saved Sansa. I don’t think that should spare his life, but whatever. He then asks Dany to help him get his sister back, but Dany is gone and Jon leaves too, so you’re on your own. Idiot. I’ma be so mad when they try to make him a hero.

-At the Reach, Jaime is getting the boys together to send the gold and stuff back to King’s Landing, and he gives Bronn some gold, but Bronn is like, what about this castle, though? I dunno, how about Highgarden? But Jaime tells him that the war ain’t over yet and they’re not doing shit with Highgarden anyway. Randyll Tarly thinks that they should get a move on so that they don’t get caught out there, and they also run into Dickon, Randyll’s son, to ask him what he thought of war, and he’s like, meh, it’s aight. See, the Tarlys betrayed the Tyrells, and Dickon knew many of the men that he had to kill. Welcome to Game Of Thrones, my man. Dickon also didn’t know that men shit themselves when they die. Bronn be teachin’ out here. Easily the MVP of this episode.

-So they’re going, and then they hear the rumble of galloping horses, like, a lot of them. So they rally the troops and get ready for the incoming swarm of Dothraki, and there are WAY too many for them to handle. Bronn tries to get Jaime to go back to King’s Landing, but Jaime wants to fight with his men. Jaime is like, that’s cool, we can fight these men…..but then in swoops Drogon with Dany on his back and they’re like, oh for fuck sakes, these things still actually exist? It’s easy to break through the enemy lines when a giant dragon blazes a path of charred bodies straight through the middle, and the Dothraki get to kickin’ some Lannister ass. A lot of fighting and stuff, but let’s slow down a little. Not the best battle scene in GOT history, it was just cool because there were dragons. It’s still not “Hardhome”, it might not “Battle of the Bastards” and even though you might not remember it, “Blackwater” was also pretty dope. Let’s just say it was very, very good. Jaime’s men try their best, and they even shoot arrows at Drogon, but apparently he has armor on his stomach and how in the hell do you get armor on the stomach of a dragon?

-Jaime hollers at Bronn to go to the, what the GOT Wikia calls a scorpion-bolt launcher, but I’m calling it the big-ass crossbow. Bronn gets to it, cutting off horses’ legs and shit, and one Dothraki chases Bronn, and meets the big-ass crossbow. Then Bronn reloads, somehow by himself even though this shit looks like it needs a buncha people do it, but hey, no time for reality and details and shit right now. He loads up and aims for Drogon, but misses, and Dany is like, oh word? I’ll come to you. They divebomb Bronn, who manages to hit Drogon in the shoulder, but then a pissed-off Drogon blazes fire at the big-ass crossbow and just misses Bronn, who tucks and rolls like shit. Drogon goes to the ground and Dany tries to remove the arrow, and Drogon proceeds to light up anyone who is dumb enough to get close to her.

-Tyrion is overlooking the damage and one of the Dothraki is like, man, your people are some bitches, b, y’all can’t fight for shit. But then he spots Jaime, who has Dany in his sight and rides towards her, and basically, it’s a suicide mission. But Drogon spots him in time and well, fire…..but here comes the MVP, LeBronn James as Black Twitter dubbed him, and he saves Jaime by tackling him and they both go in the water, although Jaime appears to be drowning. But he’s not dead. He’ll be a good hostage for Dany going forward. He’s used to that shit anyway.

There wasn’t a single wasted moment on Sunday. Even the stuff at King’s Landing, not a battle, but still really important because Cersei’s gon’ need more people now. Can she afford them now that her gold is likely up in flames? Who’s gon’ be the brave soul that tries to take a big-ass arrow out of Drogon’s shoulder? Does Dany have a First Aid certificate? Are there any lifeguards in the house to save Jaime? Can someone PLEASE get Jon and Bran in a fucking room? Will Cersei now have to start drinking boxed wine? Will Littlefinger rebound from having peed himself? And Jesus, the White Walkers gotta be getting close to the Wall by now, yeah? Actually, that’ll be the sixth or seventh episode. Oh, and where is the Hound, Beric and the other guy? A lot of questions await the last three episodes of Game Of Thrones.

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Game Of Thrones S07E01- Dragonstone

The king is back. It seems like forever that the sixth season of Game Of Thrones had ended, but here we are, kicking off Season 7 with “Dragonstone”. There is no sense bitching about it being a shorter season (the episodes are longer, though); just sit back and enjoy these next seven weeks, because Season 8 ain’t gon’ be out for a long-ass minute. Let’s go……

-Suppose we should talk about the beginning first, yeah? It’s always fun with GOT kicks off right away with a scene, instead of the credits. Here, we have Walder Frey, who is doing something for his people and giving them their second feast within a fortnight. So obviously, you should know something is about to go down. Remember, we last saw Walder getting his throat cut by Arya in the same manner as her mother. And also, why would you think that Walder friggin’ Frey would do anything nice for anyone? As soon as he told his daughter/wife beside him not to drink the wine, I was like, yup, he’s poisoning them. That alone makes Arya the MVP for this episode. She walked out that joint like Antonio Banderas in the bar scene in “Desperado”.

-We’ll finish her off now as Arya stumbles upon some Lannister soldiers in the woods, and they share her rabbit meat and wine with her. Also, Ed Sheeran shows up and he is singing his new song, apparently. Maisie Williams (Arya) is a big fan, and he loves the show, so they hooked her up. It’s not a big deal, everyone. He was on screen for like, 45 seconds. You’ll be fine. Anyway, she tells them that she’s going to kill the Queen, and everyone laughs after a second. Oooooooh, if only y’all knew.

-Who is left on Arya’s kill list? Cersei, FrankenMountain, Melisandre, Beric Dondarrion and Thoros, and Ilyn Payne. You’ll know who they are when you read about ’em.

-Alright, on to Cersei, who is making a giant war map of Westeros to figure out her next plan, which likely involves killing everyone and everything. Jaime tells Cersei that they need allies because everyone is against them, but Cersei isn’t shook, she’s all about creating this dynasty. She also knows that Tyrion is with Dany, who wants the throne back, and Jaime says that they’ll be going to Dragonstone, which is where she was born, and there is deep enough water for her ships to drop anchor. So Cersei is like, you want allies? Cool. She calls up Euron Greyjoy, who is now the king of House Greyjoy and apparently, he got his 1000 ships made, which makes no sense as half of his people left with Yara and Theon, but hey, details, schmetails. Jaime isn’t a fan of this plan as he doesn’t think much of the Greyjoys, both as being loyalty or when it comes to fighting. However, he did want to stab Euron then and there after Euron, following a marriage proposal to Cersei, said that he was there with ships and two good hands. Jaime had to bite his tongue like shit. Euron then says that he’ll be back with a gift, and I assume that gift is Tyrion’s head. He said earlier that Cersei should try killing her brother as he did, and it feels good. Also, Yara and Theon are with Dany and Tyrion, so there is that.

-On to the Citadel, which is where Sam is learning to be a maester, but really, nah. All he does is serve food that looks like actual shit, and then he cleans the actual shit, and plays librarian. He wants to move the process along, but the Archmeister, even though he believes that Sam has seen the White Walkers, tells him to chill and that the Wall will stand as it always has. However, Sam steals a kep and gets a book that tells him there is a bunch of dragonglass underneath Dragonstone. Sam was told this by Stannis, who took over Dragonstone, but he didn’t believe. Sam is collecting bowls of food when he is grabbed by an arm that looks all sorts of fucked up, and the person asks if the Dragon Queen was back yet. That’s gotta be Jorah, right? That arm looked mighty greyscaled. I’m not going back to look at the silhouette, but I’d bet that it’s Jorah.

-Let’s head to the North next, where Jon Snow wants everyone ready for war and that they need dragonglass. Some dude is like, really, the women though? Lyanna Mormont steps up and like, yeah, b, us too, you got a problem with that? She’s so good. I can see her getting some sort of nomination for something if she gets a lot of speaking parts this season. Jon also wants to work with the Umbers and Karstarks, although Sansa is against it as their former leaders fought with Ramsay Bolton, but they’re dead now, as Jon points out. Jon and Sansa have a public tiff which they really should have talked about before they went into this meeting. But Jon is right for the most part because they really need every single person for this war, which is and has always been the overarching story of Game Of Thrones. All this petty shit won’t mean anything when the White Walkers come.

-Oh, before I forget. We see the White Walkers, led by the Night’s King. They’re walking. They’re white. They have mufuckin’ giants, bruh. GIANTS.

-Back to the North, where Jon and Sansa go back and forth about how to rule, and Sansa wants him to watch out for Cersei, which again, is petty and will be the downfall of Cersei and Sansa. Definitely Cersei, who sends a letter telling the North to bow to her. Also, Brienne and Pod are sparring with swords, well, Brienne is actually just kicking his ass until Tormund shows up and starts giving her the “when you gon’ let me get a shot at the title, girl” eyes. Brienne goes to Sansa and says that she doesn’t trust Littlefinger, who showed up earlier, and Sansa doesn’t trust him either, but they need men as they did against Ramsay. Sansa also says she knows what Littlerfinger wants, so her and Brienne have something in common: these men won’t leave us alone, dammit.

-The Hound is riding around with Beric Dondarrion and Thoros, and they find a house to chill in for the night because it’s damn cold. The Hound is like, these people don’t want us here and if you watched the “previously on Game Of Thrones” part, you’ll know that he and Arya ran across this farmer and his daughter way back in Season 4. Anyway, they’re dead now and the guess is that the farmer killed himself and his daughter before they starved to death. The Hound asks Beric why the Lord of Light keeps bringing him back to life because there isn’t anything special about him. Beric is like, dude, I don’t know, I ask myself that shit every day. But then he and Thoros tell the Hound to look into the fire, which is hilarious because we all know how the Hound feels about fire, and he sees the Wall, and the army of the dead marching, which startles the fuck outta him. So now, he’s starting to get it, well, get something, at least. Then, he goes out and buries the farmer and his daughter with Thoros’ help. What a nice guy.

-At the Wall, Meera and Bran show up to Castle Black, and Edd greets them, but is skeptical about who they are. Bran says that he knows that Edd has seen the White Walkers and that he fought with Jon, and Edd is like, seems about right. He lets them in. Bran still can’t walk. Meera gotta be tired as shit draggin’ his big ass around.

-Finally, we get to Dragonstone, where Dany, Tyrion, Grey Worm, Missandei and the crew show up. Not much happens here, although we get that Dany is home. They walk silently throughout the place, and they get to the throne room, where Dany looks at the battle board and says to Tyrion, “shall we begin?”. It’s about to be fuckin’ ON.

And that was the first episode of what is setting up to be a massive, massive season of Game Of Thrones. This episode was 59 minutes, and so will next week, and outside of Episode 4, all of the episodes are of extra length. There are a few characters left to catch up on, such as Lady O (aligned with Dany and Cersei is not happy about it because she has all the food). Melisandre is somewhere catfishing people. Cersei is also lookin’ to get back to Dorne and get at the Sand Snakes, too, because petty lives matter. But really, if it ain’t about the Great War, I’m not tryna hear it.

Welcome back, Game Of Thrones. You’ve been missed.

Game Of Thrones S06E05 – The Door

We’ve reached the halfway point of Season 6 of Game Of Thrones with “The Door”, which I thought was going to involve the moon door because Littlefinger is back and we haven’t seen it for a while. Boy, was I ever wrong. Let’s go……..

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-Let’s start at the Wall, where Sansa gets a letter from Littlefinger, so she heads to Mole’s Town with Brienne to basically give him shit about giving her to Ramsay. She hit Littlefinger with all of the ether, asking if he knew what Ramsay was about (he did) and what he did to her (rape was really the best-case scenario for her, as fucked as that is). Littlefinger was like, yo, I got an army and we’ll protect you and Sansa wasn’t tryna hear it at all. She wants to get Brienne to kill him, but not really, even though he probably deserves it. But Littlefinger does tell her that her great-uncle Brynden Tully, uncle of her mother Catelyn, has taken Riverrun and she should holla at him to to help her. We haven’t seen Brynden since Season 3, and he went to pee outside, which is how he missed out on getting slaughtered at the Red Wedding. Anyway, Sansa says she has her brother’s wildlings and Littlefinger was like, half-brother….which is true, but ballsy when you’re walking past Brienne, who wouldn’t need a sword to fuck my man up.

Then Sansa meets up with Jon, Davos, Melisandre and the crew to figure out what the plan is for this war. They name a buncha smaller houses that they could enlist, then Sansa tells Jon about their great-uncle’s army, but she lies about where she got the information. Brienne calls her out on it later, and Sansa is like, fuck that, you go south and talk to Brynden about it. Also, Brienne was like, I dunno about that Tormund fella. Little does she know….he’s about to get all in that ass. I don’t know why I’m so excited to see this. But one thing that stood out to me: Brienne doesn’t trust Melisandre for obvious reasons and she tells Sansa about the Vagina Shadow Monster that killed Renly. If I’m Sansa, I’m like, sooooooooo can we use this magic or what? The hell with these past beefs, there is no time for that anymore. Deal with that later after we take down this dude that rapes and flays mufuckas. Get Melisandre to put that VSM to work.

-Dany is chillin’, lookin’ quite good for someone that just killed a slew a mufuckas and walked out of some fire. She tells Jorah that she banished him twice and he keeps coming back, and he saved her life, which I’m not sure how much he actually did, but whatever, it’s fine. Then Lord Friend Zone finally tells Dany how he feels, and Daario is chillin’ in the back like, is this old dude really taking my place right now? Jorah shows her the greyscale and Dany orders him to go and find a cure, and come back to her because she can’t rule Westeros without him. Dany and Daario take the Dothraki, I don’t know, I guess back to Meereen, while Jorah goes his own way. Goddamn, Daario didn’t even do anything and just took a big-ass L. He’s lucky with all the shit he talked, Jorah ain’t put the greyscale in his mouth.

-Move to Braavos, where Arya is still gettin’ fucked up by the Waif, who keeps calling her Lady Stark and basically tells her she ain’t about this life. Then ol’ vague-ass Jaqen comes him to tell her about an actress that he wants to give a gift to, from the Many-Faced God, and it’s a vial of poison. I’m getting real sick of this vague-ass mufucka. So she goes to see this play, which is a comic reenactment of the War of the Five Kings, so we see Robert’s death and we also see them make Ned look like a fool, and I thought Arya was gon’ bust someone’s ass right there. But she stays focused on her target, the woman playing Cersei, and she sneaks to the back. We also see a close-up of a warty penis. Well, I assume it was warty. I didn’t look close enough. Was it relevant? Fuck no. But how much irrelevant nudity have we seen in this show? A fuck ton. Gotta take the bad with the good, bruh. And they showed some tittays like, immediately afterwards. We’ll all be fine. Anyway, Arya says she’s gon’ poison ol’ girl and it’ll be blamed on her understudy, and then Jaqen goes on about something about a servant. I don’t know, I went to the bathroom. I fuckin’ hate this dude.

-Tyrion and Varys are in Meereen, concocting a plan to keep Dany’s name in good stead with everyone. But they realize that they need a local face for their plan, so they holla at Kinvara, who rolls with the Lord of Light, so she’s one of Melisandre’s homegirls. Varys is skeptical about Kinvara because of how wrong Melisandre was about Stannis, who was supposed to be the Prince That Was Promised, but Kinvara thinks it is Dany. But Kinvara then goes in on Varys of how he got to be a eunuch and she gets why he is mad because he got jacked by a second-rate sorceror. Even Tyrion was like, ooooooooh bitch, she went there? And we know Varys for always being so calm and cool, but we’ve NEVER seen him this shook before. She seems to be on board, but now Tyrion doesn’t know what to do and Varys, he’s a mess.

Shoutout to the actor that plays Varys, Conleth Hill. There are a lot of great actors on Game Of Thrones, and in bigger roles. But Hill has never looked out of place, especially these last couple seasons with Peter Dinklage. Dude is a beast.

-Now we’re at the Iron Islands, where Yara lays claim to the Salt Throne and Theon backs her up. But they’re interrupted by Euron Greyjoy, fresh off killing his brother and their father, Balon, and he admits that he did it. But Euron actually has a plan when he becomes king: he wants to marry Dany, which pairs him with her army and dragons, then they can wreck shop. While he kinda came outta nowhere and is kind of a dick…..that’s actually not a bad plan if he can execute it. So he gets the crown because the Ironborn aren’t progressive and not about having a woman lead them, even though Yara has proven herself. Euron has to do some bullshit where he is baptized, and then almost dies before they pull him to land and he finally coughs up a buncha water. There has to be a better way to crown a king, right? I wonder how many mufuckas died during that shit.

Anyway, Yara and Theon sneak off and steal the best boatsto go, I don’t know, not there, and Euron orders a thousand ships to be built so he can go after them. I don’t know how long it takes to build a thousand ships, but it seems like Yara and Theon will be long gone by the time they’re done. This storyline is finally starting to pique my interest.

-Alright, so we’re beyond the Wall with Bran and ’em now, and he’s going in and out of his visions, and he sees one of the Children, Leaf, the main one, pushing a dragonglass dagger through a dude’s chest….this dude’s eyes turn White Walker blue. Bran is pissed that the Children actually made the White Walkers, but Leaf says they had to defend themselves from the First Men, the first people to live in Westeros. Then he does his warg thing again and ends up going back to a tree from the first vision, but now it’s winter…..and he’s right up against the army of the dead, which he walks through like mufuckas in The Walking Dead that smear the zombie guts on themselves. He ends up face-to-face with four White Walkers, including the Night’s King, who actually sees Bran and then touches his arm. He wakes up and the Three-Eyed Raven is like, the fuck did I tell you? Well now, he touched you, and they’re coming and you gotta get the fuck outta here, b. In no time, the army of the dead ends up outside of their cave and the Night’s King leads the crew through fire and shit, into the cave, while Meera tries to wake up Bran, who is having another vision, and so is the Three-Eyed Raven, who tells Bran that he has to die and Bran will take his place. Bran asks if he’s ready for that and the Three-Eyed Raven is like, NOAP, but you don’t have a choice in the matter since you wanted to go wargin’ into mufuckas when I told you not to, ol’ can’t-walk ass. So Meera and the Children are doing their best to fight off the White Walkers and they’re holding their own, but Meera is yelling at Bran to wake up. Meanwhile, Bran is watching Ned say goodbye to his father, Rickard, before he goes to the Vale, and Rickard tells Ned to not fight, but if he has to fight, win. Bran eventually wakes up and wargs into present Hodor, as well as past Hodor, or Wylis as he was known. And while all this is happening, Meera kills a White Walker with a dagger…..a dragonglass dagger. So the shit is out there, it’s just a matter of getting enough to kill off, oh, I don’t know, roughly three million wights and White Walkers. No biggie.

Hodor picks up Bran and they start running for the door, but Bran’s direwolf Summer is killed tryna hold off the wights, and they fuck him up good. Leaf also dies as she waits for all of them to surround her, and uses a magic bomb (that’s the technical term, I promise….no, I don’t) to kill them all. The Night’s King gets to where the Three-Eyed Raven is, and kills him, and he dies in Bran’s vision also. Bran, Meera and Hodor get to the back door and trap the wights and White Walkers in the cave, and Meera yells at Hodor to “hold the door” so she and Bran can get away. Flashback to the past, where Wylis has a seizure and falls to the ground, repeating the phrase, “hold the door” until it morphs into “Hodor”. Skip back to Hodor getting his body torn apart by the wights as he is holding the door. Like, his face and chest and shit.

BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH..

There are a lot of times in this show that I’ve heard people say, I’m out, I’m not doing this anymore. It took me six seasons to get there. I’m obviously not going to stop watching, but my heart fucking broke to watch how Hodor got his name, the seizure, and the fact that he was put here for that reason: to help Bran. I haven’t felt this way about Game Of Thrones since the Red Wedding. I might have smoked back-to-back cigarettes after that scene. And now mufuckas are gon’ have to deal with White Walker Hodor, who is surely gon’ be a BEAST. How the hell do you stop that?

And how far does Meera think she can get with Bran? They’re obviously not dying, well, he’s not, but she’s not that strong and those wights seem to be fuckin’ fast. And it’s snowing and cold out. And Bran can’t fuckin’ walk. It’ll be interesting to see how that turns out.

That was emotionally draining. I try not to get too emotionally involved in shows, but goddammit, this one got me. Hodor was just tryna help. But it’s all part of the prophecy and now Bran gotta win, because if Hodor died for nothing, I’ll be livid. Overall, the episode was alright, essential to the plot and whatnot. But the Bran stuff pushed it over the top and as I said last week (I think), a not-great episode of Game Of Thrones is still better than 96% of anything on TV right now. So we’ll probably go back to Cersei, Jaime and Lady O going after the Sparrows next week, we might go to Dorne (but I don’t care if we do or not), and Ramsay will probably be somewhere killin’ people. But we’re on the downhill side of the Game Of Thrones mountain now for Season 6, so prepare to get your heart shat on a few more times.