After the Memorial Day break, Game Of Thrones returns for their homestretch with “The Mountain And The Viper”, which is pretty self-explanatory, but it is safe to say that a lot of other stuff happens. This might be the most packed 54 minutes of the season, which has been, I gotta say, just superb. Let’s go……….
-We open with a prostitute who can burp songs like “The Rains Of Castamere” and “The Bear And The Maiden Fair”. How much does she go for? And are they the only songs we ever hear in this show?
-Then she goes to harass Gilly for no reason, and Gilly hears something coming. The wildlings and the cannibals are here. Ygritte is going so damn hard, but she does let Gilly live and tells her to keep quiet. At least she got to kill that mean prostitute. The blood pouring through the cracks in the floor was fuckin’ cool.
-At Castle Black, Sam is worried that Gilly is dead because he took her there, but what did he expect? Dogg, you took her to a brothel. She did survive a buncha shit (Craster, a walk to the Wall, etc), so she might have made it. Jon figures out that they’re next. 102 people against 100,000….the odds don’t look good for the Night’s Watch.
-The Unsullied are in a river bathing, but so is Missandei and some other girls. It was wonderful. He gets caught staring, but Dany’s girl kinda likes it. But he has no junk though, so……I guess I’m equating the idea of having the sex with the emotions he obviously feels for her (go back to the episode when she was teaching him to read), but don’t we all?
-Dany is apparently a hairdresser as well as she is helping Missandei; a woman of many hats. They try to figure out how/why Grey Worm was interested in seeing the goods, then they wonder if the whole package (“the pillar and the stones”, says Dany) are gone. Missandei wants the Unsullied D, or the lack of D. She wants something, dammit. His mouth does work….I’m just sayin’ (side note: this is the first time in the history of life I’ve used the phrase, “just sayin'”. I generally think it’s friggin’ stupid).
-Grey Worm is putting in some extra work, learning some new words like “precious”, and he says he doesn’t mind getting cut, because he wouldn’t be Unsullied and he wouldn’t have met her. He’ll be face deep in her by the end of the season.
-Ramsey gets Theon ready to go to Moat Cailin and Theon/Reek does a terrible Theon impression as the Ironborn dude doesn’t buy it. The whole place looks like malaria.
-The Ironborn guy calls Theon a woman and a whipped dog. Son spits blood in his face. Someone gotta die after that, don’t they?
-YUP. The fellow Ironborn dude with the ax is like, “We gon’ live, right? Cool. Just keep that crazy mufucka away from us”. Was Theon gon tell him the truth before he got his wig split?
-Yeah, Ramsey killed and burned ALL those mufuckas, b.
-Littlefinger is standing before a jury of people who are tryna figure out what happened to Lysa, and they are straight shittin’ on dude, saying he was licking Tywin Lannister’s boots. They absolutely think he was in on Lysa dying, and they bring in Sansa, who has every opportunity to tell the real truth about Littlefinger, but she finally decides to play the game. Whether she is doing it right or wrong is a different story, but at least Sansa is playing the game after being a pawn for so damn long. Sophie Turner overacts the shit outta this scene, but you know what? It works because it seems like something Sansa would do when she finally decides to step into the game of thrones.
-Littlefinger now wants to use Robin’s power at the Vale to fight the Lannisters, much like Tywin with Joffrey and Tommen. It goes along with the whole “you don’t want to be sitting on the throne” theory. It doesn’t pay to be the King in this show.
-Barrister receives a letter from the Hand of the King (RIP Robert Baratheon), a pardon for Jorah. He has been spying on Dany. He was the one giving Varys the information to take back to Tywin and ‘em.
-Dany can’t even look at him, she is absolutely livid when he enters her chambers. This is Emilia Clarke’s Emmy scene. She gives off that authority, but she also emotes the hurt when someone close to you betrays you. Remember, Jorah just helped the Usurper, the person that killed her entire family, including her uncle “The Mad King”, this is a betrayal that cuts deep. If he doesn’t leave right now, his head goes in Slaver’s Bay. Those Khaleesi bars. much like the Wu-Tang Clan, ain’t nuthin’ to fuck with.
-Ramsey reports to his father that he got Moat Cailin, and Roose tells him that he is a legit Bolton now, which means Ramsey knows he will eventually succeed his father as they head towards Winterfell. Is there even anything left of Winterfell at this point? Apparently there is because we see it, but that place has to be in all kinds of rough shape now.
-Awwwwwwwwwww, all Ramsey wants is his father’s love, or at least to know that he is now in the succession list. Even though Theon was the one that actually did all the work. This dude has to snap the fuck outta this.
-Littlefinger visits Sansa to see why she lied for him. She has no idea what they would have done with her if he was gone; she gambled on the man she knows, not the strangers she doesn’t, Littlefinger. She also knows that he wants a piece, and she is going to use that now. Cersei told her she would figure it out someday, and she is. To be a woman in the world of Game Of Thrones, you aren’t given many weapons, but there is one that works 11 times outta 10.
-Arya and the Hound approach the Vale. Arya tells the guards who she is, and they learn Lysa is dead. She laughs and laughs and laughs. The Hound did all this for nothing. He is about to be so damn mad. All the people will die, and all the chickens will be eaten.
-Robin doesn’t seem very broken up about his mother dying at all as he walks and talks with Littlefinger. Then Sansa comes downstairs, looking strangely like either Catelyn or Lysa (basically, a grown-up Stark woman) to butter up Robin so she can take over the Vale with Littlefinger. Chips are on the table now, says Sansa: let’s play. FINALLY.
-Tyrion and Jaime are in a cell having a drink, and Tyrion goes on about some “slow” cousin of theirs. That sound they say he makes as he kills beetles is PRETTY damn good. This story goes on way too long, but I think he equates his life with that of a beetle. I’m sure there is more here, but really, I don’t care.
-It’s time for the fight. Oberyn is drinking and wearing no armor, while the Mountain comes in with full armor and a sword as big as Oberyn. Tyrion and Ellaria are both like, “the fuck are you doing?”. Oberyn is cocky as shit. His motivations in this fight are far different than Tyrion’s, who just wants to live. He wants a confession and his revenge for his sister and her children, and he is actually doing very well. He also calls King’s Landing a stinking shitpile of a city, which is pretty good. But still, something isn’t adding up.
-He has the Mountain down and out, but his petty ass wants a confession and you can tell this isn’t going to end well. Basically, he wants the Mountain to implicate Tywin in his sister’s death as well, which has Tywin looking pretty uncomfortable. The Mountain trips him and gets on top of him, digging his thumbs into his eyes and crushes his skull while confessing to everything. The whole damn thing. Tyrion and Jaime are like, WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Tywin and Cersei are partyin’ like shit.
-It was even more brutal watching it the second time. But I am seeing people say this is the most brutal thing we’ve seen on Game Of Thrones. I beg to differ. For me, personally, it was the start of the Red Wedding when ol’ boy stabbed a pregnant Talisa in the stomach to get the shit kicked off. There are a couple of other incidents as well, but maybe I’m just so desensitized to shit now that nothing shocks me. I might make a list when this season is done.
So, “The Mountain and the Viper” lived up to the hype and then some, and I’m kinda thinking now, even though I cursed HBO out for the entire two weeks it was missing, we NEEDED that break. That was a lot of Game Of Thrones to take in. My biggest question about this episode is, did the Mountain actually die? He did take a spear to the chest pretty damn good, and if that’s the case, does Tyrion get to survive? Is there a “who dies first” clause in the whole trial-by-combat thing? Is Oberyn happy now? He got his confession, and he might have actually killed the Mountain.
Two episodes left in Game Of Thrones, and we know the ninth episode is usually when something MAJOR happens. Next week, we know we have the battle at the Wall, but that can’t be all. Get ya shit ready.