Tag Archives: Recaps

American Horror Story: Cult S702 – Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark

The second episode of American Horror Story: Cult keeps it moving with “Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark”, which basically screams out that you should be afraid of the dark. It was a pretty predictable episode, but it was entertaining. I don’t know if it was good or bad, but it was entertaining and that’s par for the course for this series. Let’s go……

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-We pick up where we left off in the first episode, with an oddly-placed bathtub and a clown in Ally’s bed instead of Ivy, who gets a knife and they search the room, but alas, no clowns. Ivy is starting to get sick of this behavior, and says that she doesn’t know how much longer she can take this. I wonder how long it’s gon’ take them to put her, Kai and Winter together. She never happens to be around when the clowns are, even though they were together when the clown gang killed the neighbors, but that could have been just to get Ally away from the house. And Winter was there, so she would have been in on it. I give it by episode 5. They can’t let that go too long.

-The clown that was in Ally’s room went to Oz’s room, and Twisty is there too, but he goes into a room and hides in a bathtub, because bathtubs are a huge thing in AHS, my girl pointed out. We Googled that shit and it goes all the way back to the beginning, but it’s hard to keep track of stuff in this show. But you’re super vulnerable in a tub, she says, which makes sense. I really only take baths when I’m really sore, and not even then, because I ain’t tryna fight intruders with my joint all exposed in these streets. ANYWAY…..Oz’s screams alert his mothers, who wake him up from a night terror…..so, he was dreaming? Is Ally dreaming? And if you say there are clowns and they’re no longer there, why in the hell did it take so long to check on Oz? And that’s not even the worst parenting that pops up in this episode.

-Kai is running for council now that there just happens to be a seat open on the board, thanks to the death of the neighbor. He is using his beating at the hands of the Latinos that he threw a condom full of piss at as his springboard, and we find out that the beating was recorded by a couple played by Billy Eichner and Leslie Grossman. Kai is using fear as his foundation for his run at the council, specifically, fear of violence at the hands of minorities…..jeez, where have I heard and seen this before? So Ally sees this on television, then goes to investigate the new neighbours, who just so happen to be the Wiltons, but instead of knocking on the door and saying hello, Ally peeks through the window, which seems like a good way to get shot. She runs off when Harrison, dressed in some sort of overalls with a mask.

-Ivy and Ally are trying to prepare the staff at their restaurant to be on their own, and there is some beef between the manager, Roger, and a ook, Pedro, which results in swearing, some threats, and a ladel and big-ass knife getting involved. Ally tells Roger to chill and if I’m not mistaken, he started it by saying some shit that could have gotten his ass beaten. Pedro ain’t have to point the knife at him, but a good ol’ fashioned rabbit punch would have been fine.

-Oz is mad at Winter because she made him look like a liar for his description of what happened in the Chang house, but she turns it on him because, well, he’s like eight or some shit and doesn’t know how to argue yet. She does the pinky thing with him that Kai did to her, and then takes him to see the new neighbors without asking Ally and Ivy, who flip out, but yet they don’t fire her because WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT. And again, STILL not the worst parenting in this episode…..actually, it might be tied for the worst.

-That introduces Ally and Ivy to the Wiltons, and we find that Harrison is a beekeeper, and he says something about the hive being fascinating because they all get down for one common cause. Oz seems to like them because apparently bees are cool, I guess. They’re fine as long as they stay the hell away from me. We also find out that the Wiltons are in a lavender marriage, which I never knew was a thing until the AHS Wikia told me that it is “one undertaken to disguise the homosexuality of one or both partners”. I’m guessing both are, because if you’re going to support the GOP and be gay, I’m imagining that would be quite difficult for a number of reasons. Also, Meadow says that she has skin cancer and a fear of the sun, and she can only be outside for 10 minutes at a time, so that’s going to come into play at some point.

-Later on, Ally and Ivy discuss if the Wiltons are cool or not, with Ally on the side of them being bad and Ivy is like, ehhhh, they’re aight. Oz can’t sleep and wants to sleep with them, and they’re like cool, but Ivy gets word that the security system is going off at the restaurant. Ally says she’ll go to see what’s up, and I can only imagine that there will be at least 38 clowns waiting for her. She hears a noise coming from the meat locker and it is the manager, Roger, hanging from a hook, so no clowns, but check for a manager hanging from a hook. Ivy shows up at the crib with her psychiatrist, Rudy, which is kinda messed up to do that to the person you love. Ally feels bad that she actually killed Roger, who was still alive, but she tried to help and that killed him. Of course, the suspect is Pedro, according to the detective, and Ally and Ivy try to convince him that he isn’t a killer. It is also revealed that Ally got a gun from the Wiltons, who have a small arsenal of guns, and Rudy wants Ivy to keep an eye on Ally, who he thinks is developing agoraphobia, which is “an anxiety disorder characterized by symptoms of anxiety in situations where the person perceives the environment to be unsafe with no easy way to get away.” (thanks, Wikipedia). I kinda think that Rudy might be in on this, too, making Ally think that she is crazy, or going crazy.

-Kai knocks on Ally’s door to say that he is running for office, and Ally is like, nah, bruh, you threw a coffee at me and my wife and he gives some fake-ass apology. He starts his spiel about how it isn’t safe anymore, more or less for white people, and Ally isn’t buying any of it, and he starts shaking the bars on the doors, which he notices are new. I have no idea why she didn’t just slam the door in his face in the first place, and it took him being a real asshole to get her to do that. Meanwhile, Ivy meets with Pedro, who swears he didn’t do it, but she looks like she is on the fence about it and yeah, she’s fuckin’ shady, b.

-Winter puts Oz to bed because she is still their babysitter somehow, and she walks in on Ally trying to figure out if she wants to take her medication (spoiler alert: she doesn’t). Why is Winter still there when Ally is home? Winter goes to run a bath for her, and we thought that the bubbles had some sort of sedative in it. We’re not even sure that it didn’t as of yet. Winter also tries to seduce Ally, who ain’t havin’ it. But they’re interrupted by the security system going off and there is a clown in Oz’s room, but Oz asks the clown (Winter suggested this to him) if he is awake or still sleeping, and the clown is like, sure, you’re sleeping, fine. And this mufucka just goes right back to sleep. And no Ally checking on him.

-Harrison tells Winter and Ally that there is a major blackout that he thinks is terrorist-related, and Winter is like, fuck it, I’m out. So Ally starts to freak out since she is by herself, and calls Ivy to tell her to come home, but Ivy wants to stay with the frozen meat at the restaurant, which seems like a terrible reason to not go home. Also, Ally’s phone dies, which is why my phone STAYS at 100% and I have the charger with me at all times. Won’t catch me in the zombie apocalypse with a dead-ass phone. So Ivy sends Pedro to go to her house with some supplies for Ally, who STILL hasn’t checked on Oz. She realizes that the security system has been cut intentionally, and then she sees the ice-cream truck that Oz was talkin’ about parked outside the house. She ends up running into a clown on the stairs as she FINALLY goes to get Oz, and she gets her gun. They go downstairs (where is the clown, tho?) and they’re about to leave when they see someone outside the door. It’s Pedro, and she shoots him, of course, and we don’t know if he’s dead, but she shoots him dead in the heart, so it’s not lookin’ good for my man. And where did she learn to shoot like that? Definitely not at parenting class. She skipped those. That pissed me off so much. As soon as you figure out there is a blackout, as paranoid as she is, I’d think my first move is to get my kid. But anyway…..guess someone gotta make bad decisions here.

While I am slightly annoyed by Ally, I do think that this is a group effort to make her think that everything is going to hell (well, everything is going to hell, but they’re focusing specifically on her). Ivy is definitely in on this shit, the Wiltons are as well, but I think they’ll turn on Kai at some point, Winter is just a gong show of a human and Oz might be the only one to survive this entire season of Cult. I have a lot of questions about Cult, but if AHS has taught me anything, it’s that you just have to hold on to them because there will be even more questions after the next episode, and you might not get an answer to them.

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Game Of Thrones S07E2 – Stormborn

Game Of Thrones rolls on with “Stormborn”, which doesn’t waste any time getting right into the story. They don’t have much time left, and there are no wasted scenes like Dany’s three-day walk up to her long-ass Dragonstone driveway. Let’s go…..

-Dany is in the war room with Tyrion and Varys, and they’re talking about how she was born, hence the title of the episode. Tyrion is tryna talk her out of burning the shit outta Cersei, which would be entertaining and all, but not the smartest of moves, which is why he is the Hand. Dany is like, fine, whatever, so, Varys, what’s good with that assassins you sent for me? But to his credit, Varys doesn’t back down from the Dragon Queen and says that he switched sides with everyone else because they were incompetent, and that he is penis-less and straight out the ‘hood, G. He’s for the people and that she’s the last real one alive, but if she just wants blind loyalty from her, she might as well kill him. Dany’s like, okay, you get a shot and you gotta be real with me, because if you don’t, BBQ bird will be on the menu (no penis intended). Varys says that he would expect nothing less. So, I hope we all know and realize that Dany is crazy, yeah? There is this whole thing surrounding Dany that she is the savior of the show and one of the protagonists along with Jon, and sure, she might be. But I hope we all know and realize that if you sideeye her, she’ll set your family and soul on the reddest of fires.

-Speaking of fires, Melisandre the Catfish shows up to tell Dany that she might be The Prince That Was Promised, which comes from the Lord of Light. At this point, I’m not sure I’d trust Melisandre because she stays being wrong about shit. First, it was Stannis, who I STILL think is alive somehow. Then it was Jon, who she brought back to life, I guess, and now it might be Dany. Melisandre tells Dany that she should talk to Jon because he’s the King in the North now and has the Wildlings as well, and Tyrion is like, cool, Jon and I hung out at the Wall, he’s good people. Dany is like, sure, I’ll holla at him, but he better come in knee bent….or again, surely, fire and tyranny. Which I wouldn’t really be mad at. Dany is on her kiss-the-ring shit and this shit should have been done two seasons ago.

-Next, the war plan is set with Yara and Ellaria wanting to go in on King’s Landing, and Tyrion goes at Ellaria for poisoning Ellaria, while she’s like, bitch, my man died for your punk ass, sit down somewhere. Dany shuts shit down and tells Ellaria to respect her Hand, and we ain’t gotta deal with this now. Lady O steps in to ask Dany sarcastically if she’s gon’ take the throne politely, and that Cersei got it by blowing everyone up, including Margaery. Tyrion then comes up with a plan, which means the Tyrell army and the Dornish army going into King’s Landing because the Unsullied and Dothraki would bring together all the armies of Westeros, because racism (and he’s right). So, while they’re doing that, the Unsullied and ’em would take over Casterly Rock, which means Cersei would have nowhere to retreat to after King’s Landing was invaded. Yara would take Ellaria back to Dorne to get her people, and then head to King’s Landing. Sure, seems like a good plan. The Casterly Rock bit was especially good because I think that might be the last true place that fucks with the Lannisters, and not just because Cersei is crazy.

-Then there is a dope scene with Dany and Lady O, who basically tells her to stop listening to people and that all this peace shit gotta stop. Be a dragon and burn mufuckas. You don’t have time for all this Kumbaya shit, and that’s the only way that this will work. Again, not wrong. She wasn’t down with sacrificing her army at first, but Lady O knows what’s good.

-Grey Worm tells Missandei that she is his weakness, she gets naked, so does he, and we still don’t know what he has. Did they take the whole package or leave something? Anyway, what he does do is, in the words of the great southwestern Unsullied warriors, he shows her what dat mouf do. Good for him.

-Cersei tries to rally the troops because Dany is coming with the brown people that will rape and pillage their women…..does that sound a little familiar to, well, everyone living in this real world right now? Randyll Tarly, Sam’s pops, asks her what she’s gon’ do about these dragons, tho, and Cersei is all, we’re working on something. Randyll and Jaime talk, and Jaime even tries to give him a promotion to general if House Tarly works with them, but Randyll is still loyal to Lady O. Jaime is like, man, I know my sister is fucking crazy, but compared to Dany, this is the move, and Randyll might have bought it, or at least put on that he did.

-Meanwhile, Qyburn takes Cersei underneath the Red Keep and tells her that dragons can be hurt by spears, so he has come up with a super-crossbow that will fuck Drogon’s whole life up. She then tests it out on Balerion, which was the dragon of Aegon Targaryen, the first Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and the starter of all this Targaryen shit, basically. That shit smashes through the skull so smoothly. Cersei is like, I need my wine so I can get this conniving smirk on.

-Jon gets a letter from Tyrion about Dany, but he and Sansa don’t think he should go now; Davos does, tho. Then he gets a letter from Sam about Dany sitting on ALL of the dragonglass, and that changes his mind about going there. A whole buncha people think it’s a terrible idea, but Jon is like, guess what the White Walkers are….ice, and what hurts ice……DRAGONS, B. Anyway, he’s going because he’s the King and fuck what y’all are on, and Sansa is in charge, so don’t try and pull any substitute-teacher shit.

-Littlefinger meets up with Jon and tells him that Tyrion can be trusted, and that he loved Catelyn and Jon is like, if you don’t get the fuck on. Then he tells Jon that he loves Sansa and Jon grabs him up by the throat, which Littlefinger might have liked because I bet he’s into all that shit. Gettin’ high heels in the small of his back and shit. Anyway, Jon and ’em roll out and he waves to Sansa, meanwhile, if Littlefinger had a moustache, he woulda twirled that shit.

-Arya meets up with the homie Hot Pie, who I had to Google because we ain’t seen him since Season 3. He makes good pies now, and he doesn’t even make Arya pay for it. He also tells her that Cersei blew everyone up in King’s Landing, and that Jon is the King of the North now, so she should probably go there. She does, but then she is surrounded by a pack of wolves, led by Nymeria, who is now big as all shit. She recognizes Arya, which is good for her because Nymeria would have fucked her up. But Nymeria doesn’t wanna go to Winterfell with her and lets her go, to which Arya remarks, “that’s not you”. We’ll see Nymeria again. I promise you that. Basically right when Arya is about to meet her end, I bet.

-Sam and the Archmaester check out Jorah’s greyscale, so it’s good that they didn’t waste any time telling us what 95% of us probably knew. The Archmaester says that he can’t be saved, but he’ll give Jorah one more day because he is, or at least was, a knight. Sam instead says that two cases of greyscale have been treated, but here is the thing: this shit is gon’ HURT. Like, death really might have been better than watching Sam tear the skin right off of Lord Friendzone, and then he puts a little ointment on it. Now, does he have to tear off all of the greyscale, or just a little? Because if it’s all of it, man, fuck all that, just kill me, dogg. I’d never make it. But Jorah gotta stay alive for the woman that he’ll never get, so I guess it’s worth it? Anyway, once he’s done torturing him and he’s better, Sam will tell Jorah that Dany is at Dragonstone with Jon, and they’ll become the next Arya/Hound and Brienne/Pod duo.

-The final scene is the battle, and we all saw that: there was a buncha fighting and shit. Also, Yara and Ellaria start making out, which was kinda unnecessary, I guess, although it did make Theon uncomfortable, and I’m all for him not feeling good in any way, shape or form. Anyway, Euron and his people show up and start kicking all sorts of ass. Two of Ellaria’s daughters are killed by Euron, while the third, along with Ellaria, are taken hostage. That’s cool, because the Sand Snakes were kinda wack. I’m sure they were better in the book because as book readers will tell you, everything is better in the book because books have words on paper and shit. Yara and Euron have a go and Euron wins, and Theon is about to step in. Euron wants him to try and save his sister, and Theon thinks about it for a minute, and then…..well, this tweet says it better than anything I could write.

-Seriously, if you still feel bad for Theon, you’re a sucker. I hope everything in life that is bad happens to him. Like, all that shit that Ramsay did to him? I want that to be a playground compared to what eventually happens to him. Dogg, this was your one chance to redeem yourself. They better not give him any more chances. That was it. Next time we see Theon, he better be on a stick. Ol’ ball-less face ass. I hate that dude.

I think that was everything, I think we’ve seen everyone that needs to be seen now. I think next week is the Battle of Casterly Rock, there was a snippet where some mufuckas were invading something, so I’m guessing it was that. Really, all we need to see now is fighting and scheming. No sexy times, we don’t have time for that and you can see nudity literally any time you want on the internet, and in really gross fashion if you’re into that sort of thing. But let’s see if Cersei can pivot if she loses Casterly Rock, or at least can Jaime can persuade her to not be petty for like, 10 minutes (spoiler: he can’t). Oh, Jon meets Dany next week. She needs to greet him with a “what up, nephew” (I know she doesn’t know yet, either). Oh, and check in with the mufuckas on The Wall. Next week is four minutes long than the first two episodes, so we should be able to squeeze in some extra shit.

Game Of Thrones S07E01- Dragonstone

The king is back. It seems like forever that the sixth season of Game Of Thrones had ended, but here we are, kicking off Season 7 with “Dragonstone”. There is no sense bitching about it being a shorter season (the episodes are longer, though); just sit back and enjoy these next seven weeks, because Season 8 ain’t gon’ be out for a long-ass minute. Let’s go……

-Suppose we should talk about the beginning first, yeah? It’s always fun with GOT kicks off right away with a scene, instead of the credits. Here, we have Walder Frey, who is doing something for his people and giving them their second feast within a fortnight. So obviously, you should know something is about to go down. Remember, we last saw Walder getting his throat cut by Arya in the same manner as her mother. And also, why would you think that Walder friggin’ Frey would do anything nice for anyone? As soon as he told his daughter/wife beside him not to drink the wine, I was like, yup, he’s poisoning them. That alone makes Arya the MVP for this episode. She walked out that joint like Antonio Banderas in the bar scene in “Desperado”.

-We’ll finish her off now as Arya stumbles upon some Lannister soldiers in the woods, and they share her rabbit meat and wine with her. Also, Ed Sheeran shows up and he is singing his new song, apparently. Maisie Williams (Arya) is a big fan, and he loves the show, so they hooked her up. It’s not a big deal, everyone. He was on screen for like, 45 seconds. You’ll be fine. Anyway, she tells them that she’s going to kill the Queen, and everyone laughs after a second. Oooooooh, if only y’all knew.

-Who is left on Arya’s kill list? Cersei, FrankenMountain, Melisandre, Beric Dondarrion and Thoros, and Ilyn Payne. You’ll know who they are when you read about ’em.

-Alright, on to Cersei, who is making a giant war map of Westeros to figure out her next plan, which likely involves killing everyone and everything. Jaime tells Cersei that they need allies because everyone is against them, but Cersei isn’t shook, she’s all about creating this dynasty. She also knows that Tyrion is with Dany, who wants the throne back, and Jaime says that they’ll be going to Dragonstone, which is where she was born, and there is deep enough water for her ships to drop anchor. So Cersei is like, you want allies? Cool. She calls up Euron Greyjoy, who is now the king of House Greyjoy and apparently, he got his 1000 ships made, which makes no sense as half of his people left with Yara and Theon, but hey, details, schmetails. Jaime isn’t a fan of this plan as he doesn’t think much of the Greyjoys, both as being loyalty or when it comes to fighting. However, he did want to stab Euron then and there after Euron, following a marriage proposal to Cersei, said that he was there with ships and two good hands. Jaime had to bite his tongue like shit. Euron then says that he’ll be back with a gift, and I assume that gift is Tyrion’s head. He said earlier that Cersei should try killing her brother as he did, and it feels good. Also, Yara and Theon are with Dany and Tyrion, so there is that.

-On to the Citadel, which is where Sam is learning to be a maester, but really, nah. All he does is serve food that looks like actual shit, and then he cleans the actual shit, and plays librarian. He wants to move the process along, but the Archmeister, even though he believes that Sam has seen the White Walkers, tells him to chill and that the Wall will stand as it always has. However, Sam steals a kep and gets a book that tells him there is a bunch of dragonglass underneath Dragonstone. Sam was told this by Stannis, who took over Dragonstone, but he didn’t believe. Sam is collecting bowls of food when he is grabbed by an arm that looks all sorts of fucked up, and the person asks if the Dragon Queen was back yet. That’s gotta be Jorah, right? That arm looked mighty greyscaled. I’m not going back to look at the silhouette, but I’d bet that it’s Jorah.

-Let’s head to the North next, where Jon Snow wants everyone ready for war and that they need dragonglass. Some dude is like, really, the women though? Lyanna Mormont steps up and like, yeah, b, us too, you got a problem with that? She’s so good. I can see her getting some sort of nomination for something if she gets a lot of speaking parts this season. Jon also wants to work with the Umbers and Karstarks, although Sansa is against it as their former leaders fought with Ramsay Bolton, but they’re dead now, as Jon points out. Jon and Sansa have a public tiff which they really should have talked about before they went into this meeting. But Jon is right for the most part because they really need every single person for this war, which is and has always been the overarching story of Game Of Thrones. All this petty shit won’t mean anything when the White Walkers come.

-Oh, before I forget. We see the White Walkers, led by the Night’s King. They’re walking. They’re white. They have mufuckin’ giants, bruh. GIANTS.

-Back to the North, where Jon and Sansa go back and forth about how to rule, and Sansa wants him to watch out for Cersei, which again, is petty and will be the downfall of Cersei and Sansa. Definitely Cersei, who sends a letter telling the North to bow to her. Also, Brienne and Pod are sparring with swords, well, Brienne is actually just kicking his ass until Tormund shows up and starts giving her the “when you gon’ let me get a shot at the title, girl” eyes. Brienne goes to Sansa and says that she doesn’t trust Littlefinger, who showed up earlier, and Sansa doesn’t trust him either, but they need men as they did against Ramsay. Sansa also says she knows what Littlerfinger wants, so her and Brienne have something in common: these men won’t leave us alone, dammit.

-The Hound is riding around with Beric Dondarrion and Thoros, and they find a house to chill in for the night because it’s damn cold. The Hound is like, these people don’t want us here and if you watched the “previously on Game Of Thrones” part, you’ll know that he and Arya ran across this farmer and his daughter way back in Season 4. Anyway, they’re dead now and the guess is that the farmer killed himself and his daughter before they starved to death. The Hound asks Beric why the Lord of Light keeps bringing him back to life because there isn’t anything special about him. Beric is like, dude, I don’t know, I ask myself that shit every day. But then he and Thoros tell the Hound to look into the fire, which is hilarious because we all know how the Hound feels about fire, and he sees the Wall, and the army of the dead marching, which startles the fuck outta him. So now, he’s starting to get it, well, get something, at least. Then, he goes out and buries the farmer and his daughter with Thoros’ help. What a nice guy.

-At the Wall, Meera and Bran show up to Castle Black, and Edd greets them, but is skeptical about who they are. Bran says that he knows that Edd has seen the White Walkers and that he fought with Jon, and Edd is like, seems about right. He lets them in. Bran still can’t walk. Meera gotta be tired as shit draggin’ his big ass around.

-Finally, we get to Dragonstone, where Dany, Tyrion, Grey Worm, Missandei and the crew show up. Not much happens here, although we get that Dany is home. They walk silently throughout the place, and they get to the throne room, where Dany looks at the battle board and says to Tyrion, “shall we begin?”. It’s about to be fuckin’ ON.

And that was the first episode of what is setting up to be a massive, massive season of Game Of Thrones. This episode was 59 minutes, and so will next week, and outside of Episode 4, all of the episodes are of extra length. There are a few characters left to catch up on, such as Lady O (aligned with Dany and Cersei is not happy about it because she has all the food). Melisandre is somewhere catfishing people. Cersei is also lookin’ to get back to Dorne and get at the Sand Snakes, too, because petty lives matter. But really, if it ain’t about the Great War, I’m not tryna hear it.

Welcome back, Game Of Thrones. You’ve been missed.

The Walking Dead S07E08 – Hearts Still Beating

The Walking Dead powered into its midseason break with “Hearts Still Beating”, and while the grammatical error in the title really bothers me (I’ll explain that later), it was everything that is great about TWD: it was cheesy, over the top, still had a little bit of heart, and it was a buncha Negan being a dick. Let’s go……..

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-We open with Maggie at Glenn’s grave, which I assume she does daily, and then she goes to the top of the gate at the Hilltop. Gregory has an apple and is almost like, do you want this, and Eduardo, who is also up there, is like, dude, she’s pregnant, so Gregory thinks he’s being a nice guy by giving her the apple. One, she’s pregnant, stop being a dick, and two, most importantly, pregnant or not, Maggie would stomp the muddiest of holes in Gregory’s ass. Did he spend an entire episode getting punked by everyone like, two weeks ago? If you don’t go sit your fake Herschel ass down somewhere.

-Daryl gets out of his cell because of that note that told him to go. Yay. Fuck.

-More importantly, Negan is at Rick’s house, taking a shave and telling One-Eyed Carl how to shave as well, cooking pasta in his house, lookin’ like that scene from “Goodfellas“, but without the cocaine. Olivia gets some lemonade from Tara, who says she’ll go inside and take over for Olivia, who told Rick she would watch Judith, and neither of them would be able to do anything, so that’s pointless.

-Then we have Rick and Aaron, who decide to go out to the houseboat in the canoe full of bulletholes, and I was like, OOOOOOOOOOH WHAT LEVEL OF FUCKERY IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN……well, the scene is stretched out, but basically, the canoe sinks because bulletholes, they have to fight off water walkers (which I figured would like, disintegrate in the water, but whatever man), Aaron sees one in the other canoe, falls the fuck over and is taken under, Rick freaks out, Aaron pops up, and I let out a good, hearty laugh. The best thing about The Walking Dead is when you can see the fuckery down the road, and you know it’s about to be some bullshit, but it’s just a matter of how they get to, and through, the bullshit. It was great. Anyway, they get to the canoe, while Negan is back at the house, tucking napkins in his shirt and shit, getting ready to chow down on a trough of spaghetti because that seems to be all they have at Alexandria (remember Aaron, Daryl and, um….Eric? I think that’s his boyfriend’s name).

-Spencer is tryna be nice to the Saviors, where some girl wants to holla at him and show him the compound later, aka her walls (not walls in a house, use your imagination). She also takes a moment to punk Eugene, who watches this flirtation go down because he’s a creep like that and he does like to watch.

-Meanwhile, Carol is tryna chill and read her book by a fire like a civilized human, and mufuckas won’t leave her alone, Morgan, King Zeke (who we don’t see in this episode and that’s some bullshit), and now Richard, apparently that is his name. He comes in and tries to persuade them to convince King Zeke to strike first against the Saviors, and Carol is like, I just wanna read my fuckin’ book and eat my produce, and we all know Morgan ain’t about that life. So, Richard goes to a shittily-hidden camper in the woods, throws a milk bottle and starts crying. So, here is my thing: why should I care about Richard? The Kingdom, even, for that matter? Spend a little more time on it and maybe, just maybe we would care. They could have honestly split up the Kingdom episode with the Tara episode at Ladyland, as my girl calls it. Because….anyway, more about the latter a bit later on because I have a guess about that. Richard does bring up a good point, though: the Saviors don’t really need a reason to go back on their deal. They run shit.

-Rick and Aaron are on the houseboat getting supplies, and they’re talking about this deal with the Saviors, which Michonne doesn’t think is living, but Aaron disagrees and says, “either your heart is beating or it isn’t”…..meanwhile, Michonne is still driving with this hostage Savior, and tries to talk to her because Michonne is losing her mind, and this woman just isn’t having it at all. OH, and back to Rick and Aaron, someone in mismatched boots is watching them through binoculars. Spooky.

-Oh, I almost forgot about Daryl and his great escape. He sneaks around, being all sneaky, then gets to Dwight’s room and eats ALL of the peanut butter with his dirty-ass finger. How does one eat that much peanut butter, that quickly, with one finger, and then not go to the bathroom right afterwards? And as he leaves, he smashes Dwight’s figurines, and they seemed to focus on one in particular, and I don’t know what the significance is. Maybe to show that Daryl is a badass? I bet he listens to Kid Rock. Goddammit, I hate this dude.

-At Hilltop, Maggie can smell apple pies through doors, but that’s believable because pregnancy hormones are no joke. Maggie wants to ask Jesus to get stuff, but Sasha says he left this morning. Maggie leaves and Enid is like, WHY YOU ALWAYS LYIN’. It’s because Sasha has a plan to go after Negan, because who doesn’t? I’d love to sit down and rank all of the plans because there are some real shitburgers in this pile.

-Father Bitchass and Rosita are at the church….and you know what…..GABRIEL tries to talk Rosita out of her shitty plan to kill Negan, maybe wait so everyone can work together. He has earned the right to finally be called by his real name. Lowkey, Young Gabe might be the MVP of the half-season (non-Negan division). Can’t wait for that to backfire in my face.

-Spencer is in the mirror, practicing how to say “Hi” and he looks like he’s on some Jack Handy shit (old SNL skit, do ya Googles). He tells Rosita that the plan is to get close to Negan and then strike, and Rosita says she used him before, but she’ll do dinner with him later because yo, people gotta bang, b. Meanwhile, Daryl finishes his great escape by bashing Fat Joey’s head in with a pipe, and Jesus walks in on it, so they steal a motorbike and leave. Negan gon’ kill everyone at that compound, b. He leaves and everyone stops giving all of the fucks. Everyone gon’ have irons on their faces.

-Michonne and the lady Savior drive to within distance of a gang of Saviors, like, hundreds of mufuckas and is basically like, bruh, you can’t win this fight, he is everywhere…..but I’m done with this shit, so you need to kill me and set this truck on fire. Which Michonne apparently does.

-Rick and Aaron get back to Alexandria to find Negan and ’em, and Aaron takes a massive ass-whipping because of some fuckass note they found on the houseboat that says “congrats for winning, but you still lose”. Thanks to Holly for this, but why did they even take the note back with them? How would they not know that would be some shit? Anyway, Aaron says that his heart is still beating, which is why the title bothers me. “heart’s” = “heart is”, not “hearts”. I don’t know why I would expect a show like this to care about that, but anyway.

-Spencer introduces himself to Negan, who wants to play pool, so they move a pool table out in the middle of the street. Spencer throws Rick under the bus, more or less implying that Rick got his mother killed and that he always fucks shit up (which isn’t all the way wrong), and that Spencer can be the new leader. Here is where you realized that he gotta die, because Negan says that Rick is swallowing his pride and his hate of Negan to get shit done, and that if Spencer wants Rick’s spot, go take it….but he won’t, because he doesn’t have the guts….and then he disembowels Spencer right on the street. In front of everyone, because everyone decided to come out and watch this game of pool. Shit looked like a Michael Jackson video.

-Rosita gets mad and pulls out the heat, but instead of shooting Negan, she shoots Lucille and Negan starts randomly cursing, sounding like Sterling Archer. One of the Saviors throws Rosita to the ground and cuts her face, while Negan wants to know who made this magic bullet. A couple people say they did it, but Negan knows they’re lying, so the female Savior, Arat is her name, she shoots Olivia. Tara then says she did it, but Eugene confesses and Negan is like, yeah, you look like a bullet-makin’ mufucka. So he takes Eugene with him when he leaves, and Rick stabs a reanimating Spencer in the head because fuck that guy.

-Michonne and Rick meet in the cells, and Michonne tells him that there are more Saviors than they thought, but they still have to fight. So they go to the Hilltop to see Maggie, and Jesus and Daryl are there, and it’s one big-ass Avengers reunion as they walk up to the house to discuss a plan. Daryl even gives Rick back his gun, which was on Fat Joey because that’s way too easy. Maggie better have kicked Daryl in the nuts at least three times, since he got back.

-I missed this, but after the credits, Young Gabe is being watched at the Alexandria gate by the person with the mismatched boots. I’m gon’ guess it’s someone from Ladyland? It better be. We don’t need any more new people.

-The one thing that I do like that they are rationing us with Negan, because I think if he were in every episode, it would be too much. Jeffrey Dean Morgan is the MVP of this half-season and it isn’t even close because of how he straddles that line of being a cartoon and a downright fucking lunatic. But every episode and I think it would be too much. They just have to figure out to handle shit when he isn’t in the episode.

-Also, AMC: get your shit together and just make all the episode 90 minutes long. What else do you have to show? And if you’re gon’ have this many characters, you just might as well. I don’t wanna make any more Game Of Thrones comparisons, but let’s just say, you’re not Game Of Thrones. Take that extra advertising money and highstep down the sideline.

That was a solid ending to a typical half-season of The Walking Dead, which will return in February and likely do the same thing: be great for the first couple episodes, then be garbage, then end strong. Morgan and Carol will eventually come around and reach out to Rick because someone will hear something about Alexandria, which means King Zeke and Battlecat will be involved, Tara will holla at Ladyland, and yeah…..man, it is what it is by now with The Walking Dead. If they could just be consistent, the world would be a better place. The ratings are dropping, but they’re just now very good down from astronomical. It’ll be interesting to see if they try to improve in the second half of Season 7, I wouldn’t bet on it, but crazier things have happened and I’ma watch anyway. See y’all in February.

 

The Walking Dead S07E07 – Sing Me A Song

The Walking Dead has been hot garbage the last few weeks, basically since the second episode of Season 7, but of course, it picks up with “Sing Me A Song”, just in time for next week’s midseason finale because that’s what this show does. Let’s go…..

negan

-We open with Michonne walking down a road, where she finds the pile of burned mattresses, and then she kills two walkers that served as a nice callback to when we first met her, with her walkers on leashes. Meanwhile, Rick and Aaron, aka New Daryl, get out of a truck and see something down the road they’re on. Everyone stays tryna be Daryl on this show. Probably won’t work out for anyone but Daryl.

-A pair of Saviors are shooting the shit, waiting for some walkers to move out of their way, but we find Jesus and Carl in the back of their truck. Jesus jumps out of the truck while it’s moving, but Carl decides to stay because he’s a man and has to do this himself….also, he’s not that bright. Carl has large balls, no doubt, but his plan-making skills leave a lot to be desired.

-They get back to the spot and Carl eventually opens fire with a machine gun, killing one and asking for Negan. He shoots another one before Dwight tackles him, but Negan plays good cop….well, kinda….he offers Carl a hand and a tour, and Carl says no, but Negan says he’ll cut off Daryl’s arm if he doesn’t say yes. So kind of a good cop?

-There is some other stuff that happens in this episode, but really, the best part of the whole thing is Negan generally being a shit. He gets the entire factory to kneel to him and Carl is lookin’ at these people like they’re all pusses, then he takes Carl to meet his wives, like, a bunch of them. But here, Negan is smart because what is the best way you’re gon’ soften up a slightly-teenaged kid…..hell, a grown-ass man as well? That’s right: offer them titties and beer. Rick ain’t offer Carl none of that. If there was one moment in this episode that Carl may have thought, hey, maybe Negan ain’t all that bad, it was right here.

-Then he goes to Sherry, Dwight’s ex, and gets the news that one of his wives, Amber, got one of his men, Mark, to avoid his work and be with her. Here is where Jeffrey Dean Morgan really shines, where he straddles the line between being a cartoon character with how over-the-top he is……but then you get the feeling that he’s gon’ kill everyone in that room, even though he mentioned that he has never laid a hand on any of the women. However, Amber knows that something bad is gon’ come, and poor Mark….he doesn’t even know it yet. Meanwhile, Dwight brings in Daryl with a vegetable tray from Sobeys or some shit.

-Next, Negan gets Carl to show him his eye, or rather, his lack of an eye, and oooooooooh boy…..JDM was on fire here. “That is disgusting” was my favorite part of the rant, and then it’s even better when he apologizes to Carl, who is crying because Negan is really havin’ a time the eye jokes.Actually, that’s a lie, the best part is that Negan tells him, “I wanna touch it” through a hearty chuckle, and if I’m not mistaken, that’s the second time someone on The Walking Dead has wanted to touch it, and I mean…..COME ON. And Negan is kinda sympathetic, but he doesn’t let Carl cover it up because it’s rad. Not only that, he gets Carl to sing him a song, “You Are My Sunshine” because that’s what Lori sang to him, and Carl explains the story of him shooting Lori before he turned. I really get the idea that Negan actually likes Carl, like, might wanna be his Big Brother or some shit, which would be the most perverse Big Brothers pairing ever.

-Let’s take a little break from Negan being a dick to talk about Rick and Aaron, who stumble upon a buncha warning signs from someone telling them that they’ll only find trouble if they go forward, so obviously they have to go forward and besides, they have one day to round up shit before Negan returns, or so they think. Meanwhile, Spencer and Father Bitchass are out scavenging, and FB has really had enough of Spencer’s bitching, calling him a tremendous shit and then gets outta the car to walk back to Alexandria. The best part is that he looked in his eyes the whole time, and you KNOW you’re a punk when Father Bitchass knows you ain’t gon’ do nothing. Then Spencer finds a walker hung up with a bow, he gets it down and finds a note in his pocket in Latin, and this is about to be some ol’ bullshit. I was praying the walker fell on his head.

-Rosita yells at Eugene and calls him a coward for not making her bullet, and while she brings up a lot of great points, fuck her because her plan is fucking terrible and could get a lot more people killed. She’s basically risking everyone else’s lives for Abe, who moved on to the next girl right in front of your face. And is Rosita even a good shot? Goddammit, these people make some awful, awful plans.

-Dwight and Sherry are back to smoking, and she regrets their deal with Negan, but such is life. I think she might be at the top of the “Who will double-cross Negan” Power Rankings. It would be Sherry, with Dwight closely behind, Daryl doesn’t count because he’s just broken and I think he even threatens Negan in this episode because he still ain’t learned. Anyway, Fat Joey is third on the list because they fat-shame him all the time. And Sherry is definitely #1 on the list because Daryl gets a note with a key on the back in his cell, and it says, “GO NOW”. She did that shit.

-But OH, speaking of fat-shaming, that’s nothing. Carl says some shit about Negan is afraid to kill him because he already would have, so Negan and ’em roll out (with Jesus on top of the truck because the Saviors are just terrible at noticing anything happening with their vehicles) and head to Alexandria. Negan meets Olivia, who says that they’re running low on supplies and that they’re practically starving. Negan starts laughing because, well, let’s just say Olivia doesn’t look like she’s starving, then as she is crying, tries to have sex with her, to which she slaps him and leaves. Yeah man, Negan ain’t here for your feelings. Your feelings are there to amuse him. His performance alone makes this the best episode of the season.

-Then he finds Judith, and the episode actually ends with Negan, sitting on Rick’s porch, holding his (well, Shane’s) baby, contemplating killing Rick and Carl and taking over their house and chatting with the neighbors. Mental warfare is Negan’s game, although we’ve seen that he’s pretty solid at the physical game as well.

-And no, I didn’t forget that he ironed Mark’s face like a dress shirt. Like Amber said, she knows he’s an asshole and it wouldn’t end well for anyone. Mark passed out and pissed himself and everything, and Negan got Daryl to clean it up. But hey, rules are rules are rules.

-Some other stuff was happening in this episode, starting with Michonne, who set up a trap for one of the Saviors driving down the street. After a brief scuffle, Michonne orders the woman to take her to Negan. Now, I have slightly more confidence in her Negan plan over Carl’s or Rosita’s, but not a whole lot. After all these go wrong, I want Negan to sit down and evaluate these plans on a grading scale. I’m sure he’d have all sorts of quips. Rick and Aaron find a houseboat that is surrounded by walkers, so someone has to be out there. And Rosita, Eugene and Spencer get back to Alexandria, where they find Negan and ’em. Spencer’s Latin knowledge tells him that letter reveals a buncha supplies and guns because why the fuck wouldn’t it. If they make either him, or Father Bitchass, pull off some Carol-type shit to save everyone, I’ma throw my hands up so damn fast.

Anyway, this was the best episode of the season for me, which doesn’t say a whole lot because I’ve thought most of this season was a steaming pile of zombie skin. But I think it’s safe to say JDM is the MVP of Season 7 regardless of what happens. Next week’s finale is slated to be almost 90 minutes, their sixth extended episode of the season because AMC is getting all the commercial money (and good on ’em). Whose plan is gon’ blow up in their faces first? Who will die? Someone gotta die, I would think, and the Dwight/Sherry double-cross plan will probably start to take shape. And where the fuck is King Zeke and the tiger?

I hope Daryl dies. I REALLY hope he does.

 

 

 

 

Fear The Walking Dead S01E02 – So Close, Yet So Far

After a solid pilot episode that shattered ratings records for cable programs, Fear The Walking Dead returned with their second of six episodes this season (15 episodes are lined up for Season 2), “So Close, Yet So Far”, another good episode that is bound to make you mad, but in a good way, I think. Let’s go…..

-We open with the principal, Art, patrolling the empty hallways of the school, which has been evacuated until they can figure out what the hell is going on. He hears something and turns around, yet tells the person on the other end of the radio that it’s all clear, so you know nothing good is going to happen to him. Then you have Alicia, the snarky daughter, walking down the street and she passes her boyfriend Matt’s house, with the door ajar….again, a sign that something bad is going to, or has, gone down. She walks in, there is a broken vase on the floor and in his room, all you hear is groans as she steps back and gasps, “OH MY GOD”. Obviously (well, not to her), Matt is on his way to Zombieland.

-Shoutout to the opening music, which is short, sweet, ominous and lets you know that it’s about to go down. It’s not even music really, it just sounds like someone slammed one button on a keyboard and let that shit ride.

-Travis, Madison and Nick leave the scene of their clash with Zombie Calvin, and they’re callin’ around to gather up Travis’ ex-wife and son and Alicia, who answers and tells Madison that she’s with Matt, while Nick is messin’ around with the radio tryna get some news. When Madison learns where Alicia is, she tells her to don’t touch Matt, who has a wild fever and no one can get through to 911, so Travis steps on it and heads to Matt’s. Mmmmmhmmmm, AMC, I’m keepin’ count. Three-for-three on zombiefied brothas.

-Travis’ bitch-ass son gets on the bus and ignores a call from his father, which jumps him above Alicia in the “You need to get eaten” power rankings. Speaking of, she’s tryna nurse Matt to health when Madison and ’em show up, and she won’t leave his side. The naivety of these people is maddening, but I have to keep telling myself that we, the audience, know what is going on and how this is going to end, but they, the characters in the story, don’t, and you think that the overwhelming thought is, “OMG IT’S THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE”, you’re out of your mind. Most people don’t think that way (and you’re not special if you do, so stop it). And even when you realize what is going on, do you know how hard that is to process? Anyway, more on this throughout the recap, I would reckon.

-Anyway, Travis finds a bite mark on Matt’s neck and he’s like, yeah, we gotta get the fuck outta here and Alicia doesn’t want to go, but Matt figures out what is going as well and is like, listen to your mother and go. I also want to him to bite the shit outta her face. Meanwhile, Nick is going through the bathroom cabinet because, well, withdrawal is a motherfucker and junkies gon’ junkie.

-Chris (Travis’ son) is on the bus still, and it stops as a cop has shot a homeless man, apparently, and people rush off the bus. I really hope this doesn’t turn into some sort of societal statement on cops and people. I don’t think this is the right show for that. Travis, Madison and the kids head home and see their neighbor outside setting up for a party, because when you hear that places are being shut down because of a virus, that is the first thing you should do: have a party and invite more people. Meanwhile, one of the other neighbors is coughing while packing up to get the fuck out.

-Nick asks Madison if she’s going to tell the neighbor about what is going on, and he also tells Madison that he’s about to step into a world of shit. I didn’t catch on to it at first because I was thinking about all the zombieness, but yeah, junkies gon’ junkie. Travis leaves to go pick up his ex-wife (Liza) and Chris, and Madison says she’ll wait for him to go to the desert, but he insists she leaves. A lot of people are gon’ die tryna be nice and chivalrous in these Fear TWD streets.

-Travis gets to Liza’s house, and she was an asshole to him on the phone, talkin’ about her legal rights and when he’s supposed to come there and shit, and he’s all, “YO, THIS IS NOT THE FUCKING TIME”, but he still doesn’t really tell her what is going on. He uses her phone to call Chris, who will pick up because you BETTER not ignore a phone call from Moms, and they learn that he is at a protest that was started by the cops shooting this homeless guy. Meanwhile, Alicia is on junkie-withdrawal duty, which means getting a bucket for Nick, who isn’t handling this shit well at all. Madison can’t get a hold of her doctor, but she comes up with a plan that involves leaving Alicia with Nick, which sounds like an all-around terrible idea, but there might not be much else she can do. She’s also depending on Alicia to not be an asshole and leave her brother, and that’s like, 50/50 at best.

-I forgot, while Travis is en route to Liza’s, he sees a cop putting all kinds of bottled water in his trunk. Yeah, something really bad is going on here.

-Madison’s plan is to go to the school and see if she can find anything in the first-aid room, and I loved this scene because it was slow and drawn out, and you’re just waiting on some bad shit to happen, especially when you think back to the beginning of the episode. Then she goes into a pitch-black room and you’re like, yep, you’re gettin’ fucked up and then you see someone walk into a room where she’s essentially cornered….but it’s Tobias, the kid who just wants his knife back. It’s kinda weird that, number one, he could get into the school (unless Madison left the door unlocked, which is possible) and two, he’s so pressed for that knife. Shit must be a family heirloom or has the antidote for the virus in it or something.

-Chris is still at this protest with a video camera, and it’s turning into a statement on police brutality and rights and all that shit, and I’m not really here for it: in most places, yes, but not in a zombie show; but again, these people don’t know what is coming. Madison and Tobias are still in the school and Tobias wants to grab some canned goods because he knows that this ain’t gon’ stop.

-Alicia gives Nick some food and he’s like NOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAPPP,  and then she goes to leave to see Matt, but Nick basically forces himself to choke on his own vomit and now she has to decide: her brother or her boyfriend? She chooses her brother, who even says that Matt is going to kill her, and saves her life, even though she says she hates him. Yo, someone gotta tell her what is going on; either that, or in the zombie apocalypse, everyone in high school or younger is gettin’ thrown in the bushes. Mufuckas are irrational at that age (although, we learn as we get older, so are adults. Just kill everyone you meet). I think she would listen to Nick right off the break.

-Madison and Tobias are leaving the school, but they walk past the audio switchboard and hear something, which Tobias recognizes as “one of them”, so they decide to peace out immediately. They’re running, but then Madison sees Zombie Art (or as a commenter at the AV Club called him, “Zombama”, thanks to the homie Caitlin for pointing that out because that shit is greatness”), being Madison, she has to try and save a mufucka. Look, I know it’s naivety and no one knows what is going on. But Zombie Art is staggering towards you, not responding to his name, and just look at his face…..FUCKING RUN. LEAVE THE FOOD, LEAVE THE KID, LEAVE EVERYTHING, FUCKING RUN.

-Tobias is better than me because he jumps in the middle when Zombie Art attacks Madison, and stabs him in the shoulder with his little knife, so instead, he gets attacked while Madison stands at the top of the steps down which they fell, lookin’ dumb as shit. She finally grabs a fire extinguisher while Tobias is holding this mufucka off somehow, and it takes a few good strikes, but finally knocks him out.

-They’re walking out of the school towards the car when they should be runnin’ like hell, while Travis and Liza get to the protest and find Chris, who doesn’t want to leave, but fuck his feelings. A zombie woman shows up in the middle of things and the cops shoot her, but I don’t think anyone in the crowd saw that she was fucked up, and of course, they start rioting. It’s chaotic and they’re running, when they see a man closing up his shop and Travis begs him to let them in until this ends. The man doesn’t want to, but his wife is like, dude, come on now. Also, shoutout to the dude that might not have been finished his haircut when he got kicked outta the barber shop. Gotta roll into the zombie apocalypse with a fucked-up fade.

-Madison drops Tobias off and offers for him to go with her and her family, but he says he’ll be alright, so the countdown to seeing Zombie Tobias begins. He’s the only one that seems to know that this won’t end. Meanwhile, a car rolls by with little girls in the back wearing hospital masks.

-Travis is starting to realize what is going on and scares this family half to death, and he says they have to get far away from here, but good luck with that because the freeway is backed up like shit. Meanwhile, Madison finally gets home and still won’t tell Alicia what is going on. She gives Nick a couple of OxyContin and he’s like, um, you don’t wanna see this as he gets to work because again, junkies gon’ junkie. Madison goes upstairs to wash Zombie Art’s blood out of her shirt and starts to cry as she is finally realizing what is going on; again, this is a lot to process to the majority of mufuckas out here. Travis calls her and tells her where he is, and I want a camera angle of Liza in the background when he asks Madison if she got Travis his meds. I bet she sucked her teeth real hard and was like, “Oh, you mean DRUGS?”. That shit woulda been good. Anyway, he tells her again to leave without him and she won’t before the signal cuts out.

-Alicia keeps asking Madison if she is okay and what is going on, and when she sees Party Neighbor getting attacked outside by a zombie (but she doesn’t know it yet, and I think it’s the neighbor that was coughing earlier), she wants to run out and help and Madison shuts the door and locks it. Yo……seriously. Tell her what is going on within the first 10 minutes of the next episode.

-While this is going on, we get cuts of dead Zombie Art in the school, the riots going on outside, Matt’s parents finally arrived at the house, but the trunk is still opened and the suitcases are on the ground, which can’t be a good sign, so we also have a countdown to seeing Zombie Matt. Nick is nappin’ like a junkie, which means he’s not gettin’ up for a hot minute. The wife of the barbershop man is praying for, well, everything at this point and then blows out the candle to end the episode.

“So Close, Yet So Far” kept the story moving as people are still slow to figure out what is going on. At this point, if you thought that Fear The Walking Dead was going to move faster than the original, you’re either trying to convince yourself or not paying attention. The Walking Dead has allowed Fear to move at its own pace and we’re going to get there. But today’s viewer isn’t patient and they want a cliffhanger every week, which can be tiresome as shit. You gotta let the story breathe because as I keep saying, it’s a lot to process. However, by the looks of the preview for the next episode, which is in two weeks for some reason, the scales are going to tip in a big, big way for Fear The Walking Dead.

One-Hitters: Homeland, Marvel’s Agents Of Shield and Serial

I’ve been wanting to get to the fourth season of Homeland and the half-season of season two for Agents Of Shield for a while now, but time didn’t permit me to do so. Well, I have a laptop again, so it’s on, so here are a couple of recaps, along with a bit on Serial, which became something of a phenomenon, although I was mad late to the party. Let’s go….

Homeland

I was fully prepared to throw Homeland in the bushes after a terrible third season, but they pulled me back in at the end, so I decided to give it a go. This was probably the best season since the first, and the middle part, basically after the kid died, might have been the best stretch that Homeland has ever had. Claire Danes was great as usual as Carrie Matheson, and I’ve given up on getting mad about the CIA allowing her to do what she wants, because there is no show if they don’t. I hope that people weren’t surprised by Carrie sleeping with the kid who was Haqqani’s uncle, because we know she’ll do ANYTHING to get the information that she wants. Saul being out in the field and becoming a hostage for half the season was pretty good, and Quinn was probably the MVP of the season, although he should have known that Carrie isn’t a relationship person.

However, the season wasn’t perfect at all. I’m not buying Carrie as a mother and even though the finale showed us a glimpse into why Carrie is how she is (a strained relationship with her mother), I just don’t care. Also, there was no resolution with Tasneem, the ISI agent who didn’t let Aasar Khan call the troops after Carrie and Saul’s motorcade got bombed. She was straight up evil, and I would assume she’ll be back next season.

I didn’t mind the finale as much as a lot of people did, although it took me a minute to process that Saul is actually getting behind Dar Adal’s deal with Haqqani (or is he?). I never trusted Dar Adal anyway, and I think Saul has a plan to set him up somehow. Carrie gave him a good Carrie Face, but she has to trust Saul, although I wouldn’t be mad if Saul was tryna fuck her after what happened in “Halfway To A Donut” (episode 8).

Thumbs up, Homeland, that was quite the recovery. And the less we see any members of the Brody family, the better.

Marvel’s Agents Of Shield 

I got into AOS after watching Captain Marvel: Winter Soldier, and I still need to go back and watch the first season, but I got enough information to figure out what was going on. First of all, fuck an ABC budget, Marvel must have brought their own money to the table because I keep forgetting I’m watching a TV show; the special effects are incredible. Anything that involves cloaking, I’m in. It was fun getting to know all the characters, which is why I need to watch season one, but based off the ten episodes I’ve watched so far, I’m not really partial to any characters; they all play their roles very well. Skye obviously stands out because, well, she’s part-friggin’-alien and her father is nuts. May is a beast and will wreck shop anytime she gets a chance; that fight scene between her and Agent 33 (aka bad May) might have been my favorite of the half-season so far.

I’m still unsure as to how Hydra even works other than to know that they’re some bad mufuckas, but again, I think watching season one will help with that. It has been somewhat refreshing to come into AOS without knowing much about the characters or the story because anyone that knows me, knows I’m not much of a comic guy. That allows me to focus on the story more and how they’re telling it, but I’m definitely missing out on some pieces of information. Meh. I’ll figure it out.

I’ve been entertained by AOS so far. There hasn’t been much I haven’t liked about it, outside of the Lance Hunter character, but that’s just me being picky and really, it’s not that big of a deal. As far as network shows go, Agents Of Shield makes you forget you’re watching a show; each episode feels like a mini-movie.

Serial

Alright, so I got into Serial super late. I saw a couple of Facebook friends talking about it and decided to give it a shot on a Tuesday since Sons Of Anarchy and Agents Of Shield were done. I burned through the first 11 episodes by the finale on that Thursday and for those who are all, “how did you do that?”, it wasn’t hard. That is the beauty of podcasts (yeah, it’s not on TV, in case you didn’t know); you can listen to them as you’re doing other stuff and the longest episode of the season was 54 minutes or something, so it doesn’t take that long. It was explained to me as an old-school type of radio show in which there is a narrator telling a story, and that, for me, was the best part of Serial. Sarah Koenig did an excellent job of just telling the story and laying out the facts as she saw them, and that is why I’m not even mad at the ending, which was less than concrete. Remember, she isn’t a lawyer and I’m not even sure she’s a real journalist, she was just someone intrigued by the story. I figured out about halfway through that it was gon’ end like this. She gives off the proper amount of “shit, I don’t know”, that we as listeners have.

So, as for the story? My biggest problem with the entire thing was that Sarah never got to speak to Stephanie, who was Jay’s girlfriend and very close to Adnan. I don’t think she wanted to speak to Sarah, and that’s fine, but she knows something, she has to based on her relationships with the two people that are most important to the case. Also, I’m not sure if Adnan’s lawyer, Christina, was occupied with being sick, or she did throw the case to get up on the appeal (and make more money), but one thing is for sure: she didn’t do a very good job. I don’t buy the story of a serial killer based on that story about another Asian woman being strangled in her car and buried, it just all seemed too convenient. My money is on Jay, who had more to do with it than he let on. We know he helped Adnan bury the body, so he says, but I think he helped with the actual killing, or even did it himself because he was jealous of Adnan and Stephanie’s relationship. He had Adnan’s car and phone to go shopping for Stephanie’s birthday at Adnan’s request. I pretty much got that feeling by the end of the first episode, and nothing that I heard over the last 11 episodes did nothing to dispel that theory. Not to mention, the cops were fucking shady (where have we heard that before) with Jay, who somehow didn’t get in any sort of trouble for admitting to helping bury a body. I don’t know how plea deals work, but damn. And remember that the prosecutor yelled at Don (Hae’s new boyfriend) for not making Adnan sound worse on the stand? Yeah, that side was shady, but the defense couldn’t (or wouldn’t, depending on who you believe) take advantage of it. What I do know is that Adnan didn’t do a lot to help his cause, saying that people will think what they’re gon’ think, and that is enough to leave the door open for people to suspect him.

Overall, I think the way that I listened to it (basically the entire series in a 48-hour span) has an effect on how I view the case. Had I had all week to wait for another episode, I probably would have come up with more wacky theories. But Serial might have changed the way people look at podcasts, and I know I’ma give This American Life a go now. I’ve been meaning to as a number of podcasters I listen say that is their favorite, so that will go down in the new year. It was an engrossing experience that got me from the very beginning, and I’m interested to see how the second season goes.

Shoutout to the opening theme. That piano loop, though? My goodness. That is so nice.

Thanks for rockin’ with me in 2014, folks. Happy holidays however you celebrate, hug your loved ones, and I’ll holla in 2015.