Tag Archives: Reek

Game Of Thrones S05E10 – Mother’s Mercy

Game Of Thrones had large shoes to fill for the Season 5 finale as they not only had to follow Season 4’s beast of a final episode but they’ve been on a stunning run over the last few weeks after a subpar first half. Did “Mother’s Mercy” satisfy? I’d go so far as to say it was the best finale in the history of the series. Let’s go (shoutout to Mel for the picture, we all know it’s true, too)…..

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-Melisandre is so happy because the ice is melting, which means Stannis and his army can continue to march towards Winterfell, so that makes burning Shireen last week all good, right? Not so much. Stannis ain’t tryna hear anything she has to say, then he learns that half of the army he’d amassed bailed because of the Shireen thing, then he gets called out to the woods because Selyse hung herself over her newfound maternal guilt. Good. I ain’t like her anyway. But Stannis decides they’re still going to march, because dammit, all these people didn’t die for nothing….or did they? Stannis is so damn stubborn, b.

-Jon is describing what he saw at Hardhome to Sam, who asks Jon if he can go study to be a maester at Oldtown with Gilly and her baby, which you get the feeling is why he really wants to leave. Jon says to Sam that the Citadel is another place where he won’t be allowed to be with women and Sam was like, too late for that, playboy and hits this smirk that might have been the most humorous moment of the episode. They both broke that fuckass “no sex” rule, and both were with wildlings. That’s why everyone is so mad up at Castle Black. Ain’t no one fuckin’.

-Stannis and his sorry army are slothing towards Winterfell with their tattered flags and like, 45 people, then we cut to Sansa picking the lock to get of her room with the corkscrew she stole a couple episodes ago while she was walking with Ramsey, then of course SHE DROPS THE CORKSCREW. Much like Sam and the dragonglass, Sansa must have figured, hey, I don’t need that anymore. Anyway, she rushes through the courtyard to the tower in which she was to light the candle. Meanwhile, Pod Da Gawd sess Stannis and ’em rolling towards Winterfell and drops his rabbits and firewood, even though he was like, 20 steps from Brienne, who is waiting to see the candle. So of course, she obviously leaves like, 14 seconds before Sansa lights the candle. Sansa might have the worst luck of anyone that is still alive on Game Of Thrones. But shoutout to her, I never thought she’d even make it up the tower.

-Stannis is formulating a plan with his army, when they see in the distance that the Boltons aren’t waiting for them; they’re taking the fight to Stannis, who is like, you GOTTA be fuckin’ kidding me. Sansa is also looking out of the tower window at this like, it’s about to go down. Now, it was said that Dany was resigning herself to death and not summoning Drogon in “Dance With Dragons“? Nah, Stannis’ look is the look of someone resigning himself to death because it’s like, 1,000 against 12 people and they’re not going to win. At all. Ever. But Stannis being Stannis, he pulls out his sword and gets to fighting.

-We see half a man crawling on the ground as the fight doesn’t last very long, I assume. Stannis is wounded, but pressing on and he takes down two Bolton soldiers, but he suffers another wound and basically lays against a tree to die. Up walks Brienne, who tells Stannis who she is and that she saw Melisandre’s vagina shadow kill Renly, but the shadow was bearing Stannis’ face, which I didn’t know. Stannis tells her to do her duty and she draws her sword and swings it, but it cuts to Ramsey killing someone before we see Stannis die….which leads me to believe he isn’t dead. After last week’s fuckery with Shireen, I just think they’d want us to see him die, dammit, we saw Ned’s head rolling on the ground, and a million other deaths in this show. Didn’t see it, didn’t happen.

-Cut to a scene of Ramsey not showing mercy on a dude, just in case you forgot he was an asshole.

-Sansa is walking back to her room, tryna sneak when she was greeted by Myranda, who has a bow and arrow, Theon/Reek is also there, being a punk and Myranda is threatening to take her apart piece by piece because she knows that Ramsey still needs an heir. I’m not even sure what she was thinking was going to happen when Ramsey came back, but she decides to shoot at Sansa, but Theon/Reek throws her up against a wall and then down into the courtyard, and I’m pretty sure she bounced. There goes Ramsey’s chance for the weirdest threesome in TV history.

-Then Theon/Reek sees the Boltons returning, and the decision is made to jump down into some snow. I’m not sure how much snow they jumped into, just how far it went up the wall, but they did it and someone had to have rolled an ankle at the very least. I watched Omar jump off the fourth floor in The Wire and he broke that shit. I can’t tell me someone doesn’t have a broken foot, at least.

-Meryn Trant is again being a scumbag with three little girls lined up, and he starts whipping them, because Game Of Thrones always has to go the extra mile to make you hate someone, and I respect that. He whips two of the girls and they start crying and one of them gets punched in the stomach, but the third doesn’t budge and you had to know what it was Arya, which I called last week. But the kicker is that she had someone else’s face, so I assume she now has unlimited access to the face pantry at the House of Black and White. So she pulls off her face and starts stabbing Meryn in the eyes and reminds him that he made the kill list, and why she is doing this.

-So she goes back to the House, where Jaqen and the Waif are waiting and he tells Arya that Meryn’s life wasn’t hers to take. Then he drinks the poison and collapses, and Arya freaks out, crying and saying he was her friend, which he absolutely wasn’t at all, but behind her, the Waif then changes into Jaqen’s face and says he is no one, while the person laying on the ground has multiple faces, which Arya keeps ripping off until she gets to her own face, then her eyes turn white and she’s now blind. Why do I get the feeling we’ll come back next season to Arya in full-fledged “Jackie Chan in The Drunken Master” mode? We better. This is getting frustrating.

-Jaime and crew are leaving Dorne and Ellaria gives Myrcella a kiss, which is strange, but okay, sure. Bronn is still tryna keep the doors open for a Sand Snake orgy, and the boat leaves. Then Myrcella and Jaime are talking, and Jaime figures this is the best time to tell Myrcella about he and Cersei, and she’s like, dude, I already know, which brought up two things in my head: one, who DOESN’T know about this already and two, she’s gon’ die. They hug, but Myrcella starts bleeding from the nose and collapses, then it cuts to Ellaria, who is also bleeding, but she takes the antidote that Bronn used. I love how the boat was like, 100 feet from the shore. And this doesn’t bode well for Trystane at all. He might not make it back to King’s Landing now. At best, he’ll be tortured.

-Tyrion, Daario and Jorah are chillin’ at Dany’s house, and it’s agreed upon that Daario and Jorah both love Dany, and Jorah betrayed her, and Grey Worm walks in to say that he shouldn’t be there, but what is he gon’ do about it? Tyrion makes a terrible attempt at speaking Valeryian, then the three argue about how to move forward. The plan that comes about is that Tyrion will stay back to run Meereen, while Grey Worm and Missandei also stay to work with the Unsullied, AKA the worst army in Game Of Thrones, while Jorah and Daario go out looking for Dany. One of those two aren’t coming back. My guess is Daario, but Jorah still has to deal with dat ‘scale. Maybe they both die? I’d be okay with that.

-But perhaps the best thing to come out of this episode happens as Varys walks up on Tyrion to be like, the fuck did you go? But the two get back on the saddle, and it looks like Varys is playing Joe Biden to Tyrion’s Obama. They’re both kinda creepy (Varys and Uncle Joe), so it works. That should be good stuff until they find Dany.

-Meanwhile, Dany is tryna get Drogon up and running so they get back to Meereen, but he took a lot of spears to the body and he’s like, Moms, I need to chill for just a little while, my shit hurts. So Dany decides it’s a good idea to go for a walk and I get that you’re hungry, but I’m not walking anywhere by myself out in these streets. So of course, she gets surrounded by a group of Dothraki and if I’m not mistaken, it’s the same group that left her at the end of Season 1 or beginning of Season 2. They didn’t part on good terms, but the game has changed now because she has dragons; it’ll be pretty interesting to see if they know this, but dammit, they’ll find out soon enough.

-Also, she dropped her ring on the ground and I’m guessing that was for someone to at least know she was there, but she dropped a ring in some grass on a hill out in the woods. I can’t wait to roll my eyes next season when they show Jorah and Daario finding that.

-Cersei has not acclimatized to jail life at all, and the Nun comes in to tell her to confess because that is the only word she knows. Cersei is like, fine, take me to the High Sparrow and while she confesses about the stuff with Lancel, she denies the Jaime/birthing two bastard kings business as well, but hey, it’s a start. Cersei thinks that all is good, she confessed, we can keep it moving, yeah? NOAP. The High Sparrow says she still has to stand trial, which entails getting stripped naked and getting her hair cut by the nun with a straight razor, which is more or less just pulling it out. Then she has to do the worst walk of shame in the history of walks of shame, and man, I don’t care, I’m now riding with Cersei all the way. Mufuckas were throwin’ cabbage at her, shaking their dicks and titties at her, one dude literally came from like, 15 feet back to yell “FUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK OFFFFFFFFFF” right in her face (not gon’ lie, this actually made me laugh, REAL hard, harder on the second watch), all the while, she has the nun behind her shaking a bell and repeating “Shame”, so she knows two words now. But she finally falls to the ground and it’s hard to watch Cersei break down like this, and yes, I get it. She did all this shit to herself, she isn’t as smart as her father and she has no one to blame and it’s kinda irrational that I fucks with her now….but I fucks with her now.

-I don’t know what the High Sparrow’s definition of a trial is, but that wasn’t a trial. Someone spit the largest loogie in Game Of Thrones history right on her cheek. How is that a trial?

-Anyway, she finally gets to the Red Keep where her uncle Kevan (the King’s Hand) there, along with Grand Maester Pycelle and Qyburn, who puts a cloak on her. But then he points at the stairs and there is the reanimated Mountain in a suit of armor, lookin’ dead as shit with a blue face and I bet he smells just awful. He picks Cersei and the last look we see from her is one of, “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH”. Once she gets cleaned up and gets a couple bottles of wine up in her, and gives Qyburn to input instructions into FrankenMountain? My God. The Sparrows are so fucked. Not even the Sparrows, too. Petty as Cersei is, you know she remembers every face that threw shit on her, every dick and titty she saw, everyone who laughed. Is it wrong? Yeah. Is it stupid? Probably. But that doesn’t mean Cersei can’t and won’t get her revenge. And I’m ready for it.

-So, I thought it was over after that, but we return to Castle Black, where Davos tries to get Jon to convince the wildlings to fight for Stannis, and he obviously doesn’t know what happened. But Melisandre, who had left, came back and she doesn’t even have to say anything, and Davos looks crushed when he asks about Shireen, although he doesn’t know how that happened (and when he does, Good Lord). Later on, Jon gets a visit from Ollie, who says that there is someone downstairs who knows about his missing uncle Benjen Stark, who I’d forgot about a long time ago. They rush down, but then he is greeted with a sign that said “TRAITOR”, and you know how this is going to go. Alliser makes the first cut, followed by like, five or six more fuckboys saying, “For The Watch”, which is some bullshit by the way; they’re awfully concerned about honor and not having sex for a bunch of criminals and thieves. Anyway, Ollie has tears in his eyes as he makes the final stab, and I want a giant to have his way with him. Nope, fuck the fact that he is a kid and the wildlings killed his parents. They just killed their very best chance of surviving the White Walkers and now, I just want the wildlings to murder every last member of the Night’s Watch. Brutally. With blood and against their wills. Fuck ’em.

-But I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Jon Snow, not until we see his body burn and even then…..I know you’ve seen various theories about this over the last couple of days, but my favorite is the warg theory, the joint that allows Bran to get into his direwolf, as well as into Hodor (and we’ll see them next season, I’m pretty sure). His direwolf’s name is Ghost, too, so there is that, and Melisandre can bring people back to life. Either way, we’ll see next season and if this is the last we’ve seen of Jon Snow, damn, I did not see that coming. I’ve never been the biggest Jon Snow fan, so I don’t care that much, but I was just shocked because that came outta nowhere. But at the same time, I shouldn’t have been because this is Game Of Thrones and this is what they do. At this point, Tommen’s cats might end up on the Iron Throne when it is all said and done because there are no humans left in the world.

Game Of Thrones finales used to be more about cleaning up the mess left after Episode 9, but last season we got the Tyrion/Tywin incident, then they stepped it up with this season, leaving a ton of questions to be answered. Is Stannis alive and if so, why not show him die? Will Dany be a Dothraki rape toy or will Drogon wake up pissed to find Moms gone? Will the people of Meereen even listen to Tyrion and why should they? Will Jorah and Daario fight? Can Arya see? Will Jaime start a war with Dorne (he pretty much has to, right?)? How good will Cersei’s revenge be? Where the hell are Littlefinger and Lady O with their plotting and scheming? How pissed will Ramsey be with Theon/Reek and Sansa MIA, and how quickly will he send out the search party? If they get caught, how much will Theon/Reek wish he was actually dead? And yo, will Sam gather the wildlings and go after the Night’s Watch? They packed a ton of stuff into this episode to keep us wondering until next season.

Until then, folks. Thanks for reading as always, I have no idea what I’ma do next, but something will be coming this summer. I appreciate it. In the meantime, I’ll be catching up on the books because I’m pretty sure we’re all at the same place in the story now (I think the show may have spoiled some of the sixth book, which I find HILARIOUS).

Game Of Thrones S05E08 – Hardhome

Season 5 of Game Of Thrones has been a tale of two halves. The first half was slow and I had resigned myself to being underwhelmed. Then the Sansa rape happened and people were ready to throw it in the bushes. Then last week happened, we got Dany and Tyrion finally meeting and Cersei biting off more than she could chew, which perked things up. Then there was “Hardhome”, and I had my phone turned off at work. I turned that joint on and there was four texts on there like, YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS NOW. Y’all were right. Let’s go…..

-We open with Tyrion and Jorah standing before a stern-faced Dany, who asks why she should have him in her circle, and Tyrion flips it like, you might not even deserve to get my advice, which is 100% correct. He doesn’t even flinch when she says he could go back to the fighting pits, nor does he step back when Dany asks why she shouldn’t kill him for what the Lannisters did to her family, but Tyrion says that he killed his mother and father and he is the best Lannister killer of the era. Dany does not want a battle of wits with Tyrion, who then tells the story of her birth, and you have to remember, his biggest weapon is his brain, so it isn’t surprising that he knows all of her history. He then says that “killing and politics aren’t the same thing” and that he was a good King’s Hand, both true statements. So Dany asks what she should do with Jorah, and Tyrion talks him up and even says, “I think he is in love with you” and Jorah shoots him a look like, YO, IXNAY ON THE OVELAY. That being said, Tyrion advises her to let Jorah go, although she wanted to kill him. That was a bit of a surprise, but that betrayal is a lot to overcome, for now anyway.

-Cersei looks WAY worse than Margaery did in her cell, and one of the Silent Sisters comes to bribe her with food, but she has to confess for her judges (I assume incest and some other shit are in there), but Cersei, being a smartass, reiterates that her face will be the last that the woman sees before she dies, and gets hit in the face with a spoon. She holds on until the Silent Sister leaves and then Cersei breaks down, and I have no idea why, but I feel bad for her, even though she isn’t deserving of it at all. Don’t even ask me to explain it. And I have the feeling it’s only gon’ get worse for Mrs. Cersei Lannister Baratheon.

-Arya is practicing her story for Jaqen, and her name is now Lana, who is going to spy on some dude who has a feenin’ for clams and cockles (whatever the hell that is). She tells Jaqen what she has to do (directions to the place), and he hits her when she screws up, which sounds about right. The man that Jaqen wants her to spy on seems mad unsavory, apparently he is a gambler and he wants Arya to poison him, which is cool with her because she’s all about killing people who deserve it. She leaves and the Waif comes in, lookin’ sour as hell, saying Arya isn’t ready for this mission, and Jaqen says that whether she is or not, doesn’t matter to the Many Faced God, so basically, he is on some “if she dies, she dies” shit. I hate this fake-deep actin’ dude, always talking in riddles. Bitch, just tell me what you want me to do, give me my black belt and lemme the fuck outta here.

-Cersei gets a visit from Qyburn, who I think I called Qybush in an earlier recap, and he hasn’t heard from Jaime (although I don’t think he knows he is locked up) and Tommen won’t see anyone, while her uncle Kevan is returning to be the Hand of the King, which isn’t good for Cersei since he left because of her. We get the charges against Cersei: fornication, incest and treason, along with the murder of Robert Baratheon, and Qyburn pleads with her to confess, but she says that he wouldn’t even be here without her, so fuck him, at which point the Silent Sister comes in and Qyburn leaves, saying the work continues. I assume he is still trying to get outta there, and that might have to do with trying to Frankenstein the Mountain back to life.

-Theon/Reek brings Sansa some food, but she isn’t really here for it, she’s pissed about him ratting her out, like, FURIOUS, which she should be. I think she finally sees just how brainwashed Ramsey has him, but she doesn’t care because she said she would do the same thing because she doesn’t have a family anymore….or does she? He confesses a buncha shit, but as Sansa continues to yell at him, Theon/Reek is like, IT WASN’T BRAN AND RICKON and Sansa is like, WOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRD? So, going into this season, Sansa thought she was the only Stark alive. Now, she knows that Bran and Rickon are still somewhere, Jon Snow is the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch and Brienne told her Arya was still alive, if I’m not mistaken. So now, Sansa has some fight in her and the end goal has changed (shoutout to my homegirl Jamie for that line) and I gotta say, Sophie Turner might be in the lead for Season 5 MVP.

-Next are the Boltons and their war plans, which are to wait for them, but Ramsey, of course, is all, gimme 20 good men and I’ll get them before they get here. I don’t know if you know this, but Ramsey Bolton is a motherfucking lunatic.

-Tyrion and Dany are getting to know each other better, and Tyrion FINALLY gets his wine; honestly, I could watch an entire episode of this. Tyrion drinking and telling Dany what she has been missing on the other side of the sea. They both realize that their fathers weren’t shit, and that he needs more wine, because, Tyrion. He also doesn’t back down from Dany’s threats about killing him, which is great because Dany has never had anyone who has stood up to her like this. Dany decides to take him on as an advisor (not before taking the wine from him), as he can help her get the Iron Throne and he suggests staying in Meereen, where she could do the most good, but she wants to go home. Tyrion is like, um, the Targaryen name holds no weight there anymore, the Starks are all gone, Jaime and Cersei won’t give her any Lannister help (not that she wants it anyway), and Stannis won’t back her, either, which leaves the Tyrells. But Dany says that all the names are just spokes on a wheel, and she doesn’t want to stop the wheel: she wants to break the wheel. This reminds me of what she said in Season 4, “I will do as queens do: I will rule“. Give me one full episode of Peter Dinklage and Emilia Clarke before this is all over, and I’m good.

-Jorah shows up to see the slaver that let him fight in the pits, and offers to be his property if he lets him fight before Dany once again. He certainly doesn’t take no for an answer. Oh, and I forgot to say this earlier: when Jorah left the city again, he looked at the patch of greyscale on his wrist and looked up. I have two theories for that: one, he was looking up at Dany’s chambers. Two, he was looking up to see if he saw a dragon because there was a squawking noise immediately afterwards. Remember, dat ‘scale makes a mufucka go crazy.

-The Silent Sister comes back again with water, and Cersei again drops some bars, saying she’s going to get her in the worst way imaginable, and the woman pours the water on the floor, so of course, Cersei gets down there and starts sucking it up. She’ll probably get the cold sore from hell from that, and that’s probably the least of her worries.

-Gilly is tending to Sam, and she is scared, but Ollie comes in with some food and asks Sam if he really thinks that Jon is doing the right thing. Sam is like, I get it, but I’ve seen the White Walkers and dogg, you don’t understand how real it’ll get in these streets. The slaughter that the Thenns and wildlings put on Ollie’s village, that ain’t shit on what the White Walkers are capable of (FORESHADOWING). He also says to Ollie not to worry about Jon, as he always comes back.

-So, here we go, and I’ma try to be as brief as possible about this because it’s the last 30 minutes of the episode, and I could spend 3,000 words on this battle. Jon and Tormund roll up to Hardhome, whose leader calls Tormund a traitor for being with a crow (member of the Night’s Watch), and Tormund kills him to be like, I tried to be fucking nice, let’s talk. They all get together and Jon tells them that they aren’t friends, but if they want even a chance ot beating the White Walkers, they all have to be allies. Things almost get outta hand when Jon admits to killing Mance Rayder, but Tormund says it was out of mercy beause Stannis wanted him to burn. After a minute, they decide on going south of the Wall, but the Thenns aren’t happy about it, which sounds about right because they’re pricks.

-They start loading everyone up, including the female wilding leader who says, “I fucking hate Thenns” during the meeting, and she puts her two daughters on a boat without her, and instantly I was like, well, she’s dying. We also see a Giant named Wun Wun, who asks one of Jon’s boys, “The fuck you lookin’ at?”, which is pretty good. Then you hear the dogs barking and something going on in the distance, and man, those wights hit Hardhome fast as shit. Mufuckas are trying to hold them off and keep them outside of their wall, but it’s moot after a while as they get through and the massacre is on. Jon and his crew join the fight and Jon comes face-to-face with one of the older White Walkers, who looks like he looks at Sam at the end of Season 2 as the Army of the Dead is marching. He fucks up the main Thenn with ease and starts fuckin’ up Jon, and this is one of at least three times I genuinely though Jon was about to die, because it’s Game Of Thrones and everyone dies. But then Jon, who failed to find the dragonglass he brought as a peace offering because we know that kills White Walkers, he stabs him with his sword and he disintegrates, so now we know that Valeryian steel also kills them and Jon looks down like, well, THAT came in handy. Also, I had half a mind to think that Ghost, the direwolf, would show up to the fight because, well, do you have a reason why he couldn’t? Thought not.

-Then we go back to that female wildling, who sees a gang of wight children and she can’t bear to kill them, but they have no hesitation in fuckin’ her life up from her head to her feet. Meanwhile, Jon, Tormund, some other Night’s Watch dude and the Giant start running for a boat to peace the fuck out, and I honestly thought the Giant was gon’ get overrun, but he threw the remaining wights off him and caught up to them out in the water. But Jon notices another White Walker on a horse up on a cliff (we see him one other time during this battle), and it’s the one that turned one of Craster’s babies into a wight in Season 4. He is apparently called the Night’s King, and there are a few stories about him, we heard Old Nan tell Bran a story about him in Season 1, or it was the first book, I can’t remember, but Bran did see him in a flashback in Season 2 (the vision was of the Night’s King picking up that baby).

-Anyway, Jon and the Night’s King stare at each and the Night’s King starts to raise his arms….and all of the dead wildlings they slaughtered came back to life with blue eyes. Jon is like, OH FOR FUCK SAKES, as they’re sailing away. It is eerily quiet as the episode ends. So yeah, just a friendly reminder that all this battling for the Iron Throne and whatever, all that shit is relevant if the Army of the Dead can get down there.

-So, I have a few questions, really, only two: can wights/White Walkers swim? Do they need water wings? They stopped pretty quickly when Jon and ’em got in the water. Two, how does it work for them going south? I suppose they still have to get past, you know, the giant fucking Wall that the Night’s Watch will be behind, but I mean, the wildlings almost did it. Will they melt as it gets warmer? SO MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE WHITE WALKERS.

Episode 9 is usually where shit gets real in Game Of Thrones, but I can’t see them going the major-battle route after this episode, which is probably in the top ten of the series so far, and I’ve seen many say it was the best, which I’ll hold off on, but even after watching it a second time, it was pretty fuckin’ good. The Dany/Tyrion stuff was as excellent as I expected, Cersei and Sansa were beasts, even Arya is coming along with the samurai training and she’s about to fuck people up. And yet, all we’re talking about is White Walker Fest 2015, which is fair because we’ve waited a smooth five seasons to be able to see what they can really do.

But I would like to make a few suggestions on people dying: Theon/Reek is my favorite at +150 (bet $100, win $150) to help Sansa get outta there, followed by Pod Da Gawd at +175 after Brienne rushes in because she ain’t seen that candle and fuck it, I’m going in anyway. I can’t see Cersei dying, but I can’t imagine things getting much better for her. I’ll put Loras (Margaery’s brother) at +300 because all these people in cells, SOMEONE gotta die. Shireen (Stannis’ daughter) is at a cautious +900 because Melisandre needs a king’s blood, dammit. I still don’t know why she needs to kill someone; get on that Penny Dreadful shit and just get a sample, good grief.

Anyway, Episode 9 is on the horizon, friends. Strap yourself in.

Game Of Thrones S05E07 – The Gift

Game Of Thrones took a beating with “Unbent, Unbowed, Unbroken“, and a lot of it has managed to cover up what has been an underwhelming couple of weeks. But business starts to pick up with “The Gift”, just in time as there are only three episodes left in the season. Let’s go…..

-Jon Snow is getting ready to head out with Tormund and get more wildlings, and Alliser looks like he can’t wait for Jon to leave so he can assume command of the Night’s Watch, and he also tells Jon that he thinks this is a mistake. Jon is like, oh, I know how you feel, but this is how it’s goin’ down. I think Alliser thinks all is good because Jon won’t make it back alive. He’ll be so mad when that doesn’t happen. Also, Sam gives Jon a dragonglass dagger like the one he used to kill the White Walker. I didn’t think they even had any more lying around.

-Maester Aemon is with Sam and Gilly and her baby, and he isn’t doing very well at all; I’d be surprised if he made it out of this episode. He tells Sam to get south, I think, before it’s too late, so the White Walkers are coming. They gotta be close, it’s been like, two seasons since we saw them last.

-Theon/Reek goes to take Sansa a meal, and she is a mess, bruised arms, crying in bed, possibly listening to a Mary J. Blige record. She begs Theon/Reek to take a candle to the broken tower, and she constantly tries to remind him of who he is, and he’s like, just do what he says and even though you say it can’t get worse, oh, it can. That little speech that Sansa gave him was very much like something like Catelyn would do. Sophie Turner has been really good this season.

-But does Theon/Reek go to the tower, even though he looks at it? No, no he doesn’t. He goes to Ramsey, who should be way bigger than he is, dude is ALWAYS eating when he isn’t terrorizing people. When is Theon/Reek gon’ die? I don’t even care if he’s redeemed anymore.

-Man, Winterfell looks MISERABLE.

-Cut to Brienne looking at the tower, waiting to see the candle, so she can storm the ring and clean house. How long before she says, “fuck a candle” and just rolls out?

-Aemon is talking to himself and he surely has to die soon, which he does, like, less than a minute later, so now there is only one Targaryen left in the Westerosi world that we know for sure. The Night’s Watch lays him to rest, but Alliser sidles up to Sam to say that all his friends are gone now. I’m sure if I did Fuckboy Rankings for this show, Alliser would be top five, easily.

-Sansa meets up with Ramsey, who tells her that he is thankful she isn’t ugly, which is about the biggest compliment you’ll get from Ramsey. He also seems to know that Stannis and ’em are en route, which is interesting because I don’t know they’d know, probably spy ravens or some shit. Then the two engage in a little back-and-forth about his validity to the throne since he is a bastard, even though he was naturalized by Tommen, who Sansa points out is also a bastard. But he throws back at her something about Jon, who she probably hasn’t even thought of in years, and then the knockout: he takes her to see the flayed body of the old woman that told her that the North remembered, and told her to light a candle. It’s also heavily implied that Theon/Reek betrayed her again. Just gotta burn down Winterfell and start over again, nothing good will come outta this place now.

-Davos tries to tell Stannis that it’s cold as shit, horses and people are dying and maybe they should head back to Castle Black to try and wait out the winter, but Stannis is like, nah, we said we would fight and now we gotta fight. Stannis then turns to Melisandre to be like, uh, you sure about all this? She says she has seen the visions of victory at Winterfell, but he might have to sacrifice someone else because they need King’s blood. That someone? Shireen, his daughter. Stannis is PISSED and is like, NOAP, you went too far now, you gotta get the fuck out. It took five seasons, but Stannis finally stands up to ol’ Shadow Vagina, who looks genuinely taken aback by his reaction.

-Two dudes roll up on Gilly and they’re tryna figure out if she’s really pretty, or pretty because she’s the only female around these parts, so you know they’re gon’ be on some bullshit right off the bat. They try to holla at her and she’s like, this is street harassment, and then Sam comes out with a sword…..and promptly gets his ass KICKED. These dudes are smackin’ fire out Sam’s ass, but he still got bars, talkin’ about he has killed a White Walker and a Thenn, he’ll take his chances against these two, who are about to step to him again. However, they’re greeted by Ghost, Jon’s direwolf, and they peace out. Sam passes out, but shoutout to Jon for leaving Ghost there. I think he did that on purpose because he knew people would test Sam and let’s keep it funky, we all know Sam ain’t shit when it comes to fighting.

-Gilly is cleaning up his cuts and telling him not to try that shit again, while Sam is like, I was pulllin’ that rope-a-dope on ’em, I was good. Anyway, I was just saying that she GOTTA give him a handjob at this point, I’ve been saying that since he saved her from the White Walker, but anyway, he gets more than a handjob and I think we can all agree that this “no sex life” rule for the Night’s Watch has been thrown in the bushes. Still, between this and Tommen/Margaery, this has been the season of the awkward sex scene for Game Of Thrones.

-Malko (the judges will also accept Mr. Eko from Lost or Adebisi from Oz because let’s keep it 100, he won’t be on the show long enough to need to know his real name) has Jorah up on the auction block. He sells Jorah to this guy, but Tyrion talks the buyer into taking him as well. Also, Tyrion kicks a dude’s ass for making fun of him and I’m like, how do you let a midget in shackles kick your ass? And where did this side of Tyrion come from? I guess when you’re mad, it just comes out.

-Dany and Daario are in bed talking, and Daario is a little jealous because Loraq is about to marry Dany, but everyone knows it is all political. Daario then suggests they get married and she’s the queen, so she can do whatever he wants, but that hasn’t worked out so far. He also suggests that when she goes to the re-opening of the fighting pits, she kill all the masters. She says she isn’t a butcher, but we’ve watched Dany nail slavers to crosses and feed masters to her dragons, so let’s not get all high and mighty, missus.

-Lady O visits the High Sparrow to try and negotiate a way out for Margaery and Loras, but he isn’t budging, sticking to his “laws of the gods” script. She offers money and then says she’ll stop sending food to King’s Landing, and she also points out that half of the city has been involved in some buggery, which will never not make me laugh. But he is holding strong in his beliefs and it isn’t even him, it’s up to the gods. It’s weird to see Lady O not getting her way, but she does point out that the Sparrows are also lawbreakers and this is kinda hypocritical, and she isn’t wrong. Also, as she leaves, she gets a note from someone.

-Tommen is freaking out that he can’t do anything about Margaery being locked up, or he thinks that he can’t, but he’s the fuckin’ king; he’s just being manipulated by Cersei, who tries to talk him out of starting a war. She says she’ll try to talk to the High Sparrow about this, and that she just wants him to be happy. Tyrion said it best about Cersei: she has two redeeming qualities, her cheekbones and her love for her children. However, the love for her children might take a backseat to the family name right now because this whole situation is about her tryna keep the Lannister name on top in these streets (yeah. Tommen’s last name is Baratheon, but we all know what’s good).

-Meanwhile, Jaime is in Dorne, getting visited by his daughter/niece Myrcella, who says that she has been here for years now and this is her home. This throws the entire timeline of the story off, but meh, Game Of Thrones has much larger things to worry about. Anyway, she’s getting married to Trystane and that’s all there is to it, and ol’ Goldenhand can’t do much about it.

-Bronn is singing ignorant songs about a Dornish wife down in his cell, which is across from the Sand Snakes. Also, shoutout to Jerome Flynn, who plays Bronn and actually has a very good voice that he has showed off in previous roles before this, and it was Bronn who introduced us to the song “The Rains Of Castamere” (the Lannister theme, and the name of the “Red Wedding” episode) prior to the Battle Of The Blackwater in Season 2. Anyway, one of the Sand Snakes asks if he thinks they’re beautiful and he’s like, nah, but then he starts bleeding from the nose, while she starts opening her robe. I had heard this last week on a few podcasts, people were wondering if the dagger Bronn was cut with was poisoned because that was a specialty of Oberyn. They were right as he passes out and the only antidote was in a vial that was held by this Sand Snake, who is now just teasing Bronn and wants him to say she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I didn’t like this at first, but she’s exerting her power over Bronn, who drinks the antidote and like, shit, that was close.

-Lady O meets Littlefinger at his trashed brothel, and she cuts right to the chase, saying that they’re now together because of the Joffrey plot (I think this is the first time they explicitly say it). She wants to know what his objective is, and Littlefinger gives her a little, but not all of it, and that he has a gift for her.

-At the fighting pits, the man who bought them gives a pep talk and introduces them to Dany, who is not here for any of this shit at all and wants to leave early, but Loraq says the people might take offense to it. Jorah sees her, gets his mask and runs into the ring like Hulk Hogan during a battle royal, wreckin’ shop. He kicks everyone’s asses while Tyrion is still in the back in chains, and a huge man cuts his chains so he can be free. Outside, Jorah takes off his mask to show himself to Dany, who is like, GET THIS MUFUCKA OUTTA MY SIGHT and I’m surprised she doesn’t order his death right there. However, he says he brought her a gift and out walks the imp to proclaim that he is the gift, and his name is Tyrion Lannister. I should have apologized to my neighbors, because I may have stood up and started cheering like it was a basketball game. I’ve been waiting for this since I found out it was even an option, and here is my reasoning for them being the leaders for the Iron Throne race (from a conversation with a friend):

“Dany has the army and she has dragons, but she has no idea how to lead and neither do the people around her and they have no idea what to do about King’s Landing, but Tyrion has grown up watching the game, both politically and militarily, and he did a damn good job when he was the King’s Hand”.

I’m not sure if this is how it will turn out, and stubborn-ass Dany has to first listen to what Tyrion has to say, but this scene pretty much made me forget about everything else that has happened this season.

-Cersei visits Margaery in her cell, and it’s so fucking petty. She says she doesn’t look like she has been eating and gives Margaery her leftovers, and that she’s tryna help, but Margaery is like, bitch you lyin’, you did this and throws stew at her, telling her to get out. Cersei walks out with that smirking smile that she has on in 70% of her scenes. Cersei always looks like she’s on the verge of laughing in your face.

-However, that turned into a frown quickly as Cersei visited the High Sparrow, who tells her about a young man who came to him a mess, but he told some stories that lifted the weight off his shoulders, and some of those stories involved her….and of course, it’s her cousin Lancel, who has ALL SORTS of dirt on Cersei, who tries to run away, but is stopped by guards. The High Sparrow is joined by Lancel and has a really creepy look on his face, while Cersei hits that “I’M THE QUEEN” joint that Margaery yelled as she was being taken away, and she tells the female guard to remember her face as it’s the last one that she’ll see before she dies. Man, like Rod from The Black Guy Who Tips always says, people who try to dance before they score the touchdown ALWAYS get burned in Game Of Thrones, and this is what happened to Cersei. The risk of premature partyin’, my friends.

-Littlefinger told Lady O he had a gift for her. Is Lancel the gift, or this entire situation? Either way, he had something to do with this.

Now, all I want next week is more Tyrion/Dany stuff, I assume we’ll get some Arya stuff, Tommen’s gon’ be lookin’ around like, uh, where did my wife and mother go, Melisandre will be plotting on how to get Shireen’s blood (does she need just a little blood or, like, for her to actually die?), someone gotta run up and save Sansa for fuck sakes….oh, and as terrible as Winterfell and Castle Black looked, winter HAS to be here by now, right?

Alright, Game Of Thrones, you have my full and undivided attention again. Let’s go.

Game Of Thrones S05E06 – Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken

Game Of Thrones certainly isn’t a show for the faint of heart, and many times, viewers are left to wonder if they went too far. With “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken” (which is the motto of the House Martell), people are asked to make that decision once again and I’ll tell you right now….actually, fuck it. We’ll get there. Let’s go…..

-We open with Arya, still wiping dead bodies down, and the body is taken away, but she wants to see where it goes and she’s stopped by the Waif (apparently that is her name) and Arya is fed the fuck up; she wants to know when she gets her Faceless training on. The Waif says that she has already played and lost and Arya is like, what kinda grapefruit ass shit is that, I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I WAS PLAYING. Then ol’ Waify tells a story of where she might be from, but she alludes to it possibly being a lie and it’s all a part of becoming Faceless, but never saying it, of course, because she’s an asshole. But I did figure out that she isn’t blind as I thought the first time we saw her.

-Then Arya is tryna sleep when she is woken up by Jaqen, who asks her a bunch of questions about who she is, but every time she tells the truth, he hits her. By the end of it, Arya is like, this is some fuckin’ bullshit and I don’t wanna play, and he’s like, yeah, b, you never stop playing. I get where this is going, but they gotta hurry up. I ain’t tryna watch this fuckboy slap Arya around while she’s washing bodies for the next season and a half.

-Tyrion is tryna make small talk with Jorah, and we see the greyscale again, I don’t know how Tyrion didn’t see him looking at it, but hey, it is what it is. Tyrion tells Jorah of why he’s on the road (killed his pops, murdered his side chick/true love), and then he goes on to tell Jorah his father was a good man, and Jorah is like, how you know my pops? He tells Jorah that he met him on the Wall and that there would never be another like him…..Jorah stares at Tyrion, and it takes the imp a minute to figure out that Jorah never knew what happened to his father. Jorah gets Tyrion to tell him what happened (his own men turned on him) and the two are off again. Most times, Tyrion’s mouth gets him into trouble, but sometimes…..yeah, not so much.

-Arya is now washing the floors when a man brings his sick daughter to the House of Black and White, and I wanna know how he got in there when Arya had to sit outside for a day in the rain. Anyway, he just wants it to end because she is really sick, and Arya comforts her with a lie of a story, along with another lie that the water will help her, but that shit put her an eternal sleep. Jaqen is watching this and he is impressed with her compassion, along with her lying, and he creeps up on her (because he doesn’t know how to move any other way), leading her to follow him. He leads her to the Hall of Faces, all faces taken from the dead bodies that are washed, and ask her she is ready to become no one, and she hesitates. He says she is ready to become someone else, though. Next episode, I wanna see Arya runnin’ up steps on some Rocky shit.

-Tyrion and Jorah are walking and talking, and Jorah asks Tyrion if he believed in anything and Tyrion is like, NOAP. Jorah says he didn’t, but then he saw Dany walk out of the burning pyre with her baby dragons, which is fair. Tyrion is still a little skeptical because the Targaryens are, well, fucking crazy, which is also fair, and lays out a few reasons as to why she isn’t good for the Iron Throne, but as they’re getting to that, they see a slave ship. However, they also notice that they’re surrounded. They proceed to beat the hell outta Jorah and the main guy (played by Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, who was Mr. Eko in Lost and Adebisi in Oz) wants to cut off Tyrion’s cock to sell it because a dwarf’s cock has magic powers. Tyrion starts pleading that they’ll need to prove the cock is from a dwarf, and the second-in-command is like, it’ll be dwarf-size and Tyrion is like, GUESS AGAIN. He manages to keep himself and Jorah alive as he tells them about Jorah being a great fighter who has killed Dothraki, and if they get to the fighting pits in Meereen (which are going to be open soon), he’ll prove it. Shit is like kidnapping Inception, but they’re en route to Meereen again.

-WHERE IN THE BLUE FUCK IS VARYS????????????

-Littlefinger strolls up into King’s Landing, where he is greeted by Lancel’s crazy ass. Lancel tries to threaten Littlefinger by saying there will be no more prostitution in these streets, but Littlefinger ain’t scared, shit, he has been threatened by more important people.

-Littlefinger gets to Cersei, who continues to say she had nothing to do with Loras gettin’ hemmed up and he’s like, come on, b, you can’t bullshit a bullshitter, but whatever, the Tyrells ain’t gon’ like this. Cersei is tryna get the Vale on their side for when the war starts and Littlefinger not only says that they will, but that he knows Sansa is in Winterfell and Cersei is like, say word????? He tells Cersei of Roose’s plan to marry Sansa to Ramsey, which pisses her off after the Lannisters and Boltons pulled off the Red Wedding together, but Littlefingers advises Cersei to let the Boltons fight Stannis and his people, then they can take over the North, and Littlefinger will be the Warden of the North (I think that’s how it works, either way, the plan is for Littlefinger to be somebody). Cersei doesn’t care now, she just wants Sansa’s head on a spike. Would Littlefinger set Sansa up like that? It might be the ultimate revenge for him not getting Cat, but really, that might be the least of Sansa’s worries at this very moment.

-Myrcella is with the boy she is supposed to marry, Trystane, who is the nephew of Oberyn and the son of Prince Doran, who knows Ellaria and the Sand Snakes are probably coming for her, so the leader of his security crew gotta watch them. Meanwhile, Jaime and Bronn have stolen the clothes of the men they killed and are riding towards the city, and Ellaria is indeed plotting with the Sand Snakes to snatch up Myrcella, so you get the feeling it’s about to go down. They all meet in the courtyard and as Jaime is tryna convince Myrcella to come with him, but the Sand Snakes come out and they have a lumberjack match (three Sand Snakes against Jaime and Bronn). But before anyone gets hurt, Doran’s bouncer and his people are like, we’re just taking everyone in and we’ll figure it out. They also go and grab Ellaria, because fuck her. Talkin’ bad to the prince like you’re somebody.

-Lady Olenna is on her way to King’s Landing, talkin’ mad shit about how it stinks and how the rumors against Loras are gossip and something about pillowbiters being arrested because quite frankly, Lady O doesn’t give a flying fuck about your feelings. She goes to Cersei to figure this shit out, and Cersei isn’t backing down from her lie that the Faith Militant was behind Loras’ getting jailed, but Lady O isn’t buying that at all. Lady O is like, dogg, we’re feeding your fuckin’ people and this is the thanks we get? Cersei is like, I’m fighting on this lie, and tells her that the High Septon is calling for a preliminary trial to see if the charges against Loras will stick, and kicks Lady O out. SON…..the look that she gives Cersei before she leaves, that has to be a GIF somewhere.

-Whenever Tywin was writing letters, something was usually about to happen. Are they carrying that tradition with Cersei, who was writing this entire time? Do her words hold the same weight?

-We go to this trial of Loras, who is denying everything, so the High Septon decides to call Margaery forward, which is surprising because she’s the Queen, but she’s like, I don’t know shit about shit, bruh, and I’m the fuckin’ Queen. The High Septon brings out Oliver, who of course, was in bed with Loras when Margaery visited them a couple episodes ago, and he snitches like all get out on everyone, saying that not only was he in bed with Loras, but Margaery just lied to y’all and the Septon is like, welp, guess we got a trial. Margaery yells, “I AM THE QUEEN”, looking right at Cersei, who is partyin’, while Tommen is like, I’m never getting sex again and Lady O was all but ready to take her earrings off and throw down with Cersei. My money is on Lady O, by the way. Cersei hit her with that “your move” smirk, and man, it’s about to get so ugly for her.

-Myranda has been sent to give Sansa a bath so that she’s good for this wedding she doesn’t want to do, and she tries to tell Sansa a bunch of stuff to scare her away from Ramsey, like Sansa actually wants to go through with this. But Sansa realizes what is going on: Myranda is in love with Ramsey, but Winterfell is Sansa’s home and she won’t be intimidated. Then Theon shows up and says he is to escort Sansa down the aisle, arm in arm or Ramsey will hurt me, and Sansa is like, bitch, you killed my brothers, fuck your feelings. The truth is gon’ be SO GOOD.

-So then we have a wedding that looks the most unhappy time ever; at least with most weddings in Game Of Thrones, they start out happy. This joint is dark as shit, and the only one smiling is Ramsey because, well, Ramsey. Then we get to after the wedding, where they go back to a room to consummate the marriage and Ramsey finds out that Sansa is a virgin, which is tip #1 that this isn’t going to go well for her. Theon is about to leave and Ramsey is like, nah, you’re gon’ stay and watch the girl you grew up with become a woman, and she goes to take her clothes off, but not fast enough for Ramsey, who rips the back of her dress, bends her over and all we hear is her cries, while Theon has a look of utter terror on his face.

-Now, I’m not here to tell people what they can and/or can’t be upset by. Everyone has their goalposts. This was hard to watch, and it should have been. I was more upset with how the Jaime/Cersei scene was handled last season more than I was with the other night because that was a complete departure from the books. From what I’ve gathered, this was something like what happened in the books, but it was worse there (it was with a handmaiden or something, and there is shit that the GOT Wiki said was completely unfilmable). Now, that being said, I’m not condoning it because it was all sorts of fucked up and they probably could have changed it. Shit, Sansa was gon’ do it anyway (but don’t get twisted: it was still rape) because in this world, the women really didn’t have a say in, well, anything, especially when it came to marriages (Sansa has been a pawn in what, three marriages now?). I also don’t think we needed to see it to further the point that Ramsey is sadistic (then again, I also thought that he wouldn’t do anything to Sansa, so what do I know) but that wasn’t my call to make. I think they could have done without it, but man, Game Of Thrones has always been about this life and it won’t be the last time that happens, so I guess I wasn’t surprised. Some people say they’re done with it and hey, that’s their call.

-Everyone is going to have their take on that final scene and it’s fine. We can agree to agree or disagree, but just remember this: don’t be an asshole about it.

So, as if we didn’t want the worst shit in Westeros to happen to Ramsey, we do now (my prediction? Myranda does it). Jorah and Tyrion are just tryna get to Meereen without getting kidnapped again. Arya better have nunchuks or some shit, or practicing how to eat a single piece of rice with chopsticks (I can’t promise I’ll stop making Kill Bill/Arya references). The Lady O/Cersei beef has officially been put on the front burner, while Tommen wants to go back to his life of playing with his cat. And I suppose we’ll check in with Dany and ’em next week. The stage is yours, Game Of Thrones.