Tag Archives: Sansa Stark

Game Of Thrones S07E7 – The Dragon And The Wolf

Well, here we are, the seventh-season finale for Game Of Thrones, a season in which people had problems with some things. I guess. I got everything I needed to see from a show about dragons and white walkers and things that don’t exist. Anyway, let’s go, because a lot of shit happened and I gotta go to work.

-The episode opens with Grey Worm and the Unsullied standing in King’s Landing, and I don’t know when or how they got from Casterly Rock, but they’re there and that’s fine. The plot needs to move along and goddammit, we don’t have time. Jaime and Bronn make a couple dick jokes, as they’re wont to do around here, and on the low, Bronn is a solid MVP candidate for this season. He’s not the MVP, even though he might have had the single-best episode of anyone of this season, but still, props to him. He got one-liners AND he can fight. Meanwhile, Tyrion, Jon and company are rollin’ up to King’s Landing, and once they get there, it’s reunion city up in here. Tyrion and Pod, Brienne and the Hound (whom she tells Arya is still alive and I swear that dude caught at least two feelings), Tyrion and Bronn, who saw each other at the Jaime/Tyrion meeting, but they didn’t have time to talk. Tyrion tries to bribe Bronn, offering to double his pay as he did in the past and Bronn says he’s doing fine, but trust, Bronn would DEFINITELY betray anyone for money.

-They get to the Dragonpit, which just looks like somewhere that an ambush could happen, and Bronn tells Pod to come get a drink with him to let the fancy people talk. Cersei rolls up with Jaime, FrankenMountain, Qyburn and the squad, and instantly, the Hound walks to FrankenMountain and is like, fuck happened to you, homie? He also says that it won’t end like this for his brother, that he has always known how it ends for him, or some kinda indirect shit……basically, they gotta fight. I’m happy that it didn’t happen here, though, there is time for that down the line. Right now, we gotta get this round table of kings and queens and lords and shit. Cersei asks Tyrion where Dany is and he’s like, she’ll be here. And here she comes, swooping in on Drogon, who gives no semblance of fucks about the walls on the Dragonpit and if you don’t think that Cersei didn’t have that in mind when she chose this meeting place….it’s literally where the dragons died. But Dany doesn’t care and Drogon cares even less, just chillin’ like, hi guys, I will fuck your whole lives up with one word. But Cersei, being Queen Petty is like, bitch, you’re late, we got a schedule to maintain. She doesn’t move, doesn’t blink, nothing. Can’t be outchea showing fear. Now, EVERYONE is here outside of the Stark sisters and Bran, and that’s pretty damn awesome. Seven seasons deep and this is the first time that the likes of Cersei, Dany, Jon, Tyrion, Jaime, the Hound, Jorah, all these characters that we’ve been watching for so long, are all together.

-Then out of nowhere, Euron starts threatening Theon, talkin’ about I’ma kill your sister and then he goes at Tyrion and Cersei is like, if you don’t sit the fuck down, literally no one cares about this fuck-ass storyline, grown folks are tryna talk. I don’t get the Euron love, but I do know I’ll be mad when Theon kills him (which I’ll get to in a bit) and not Jaime. Jaime deserves it. Anyway, Jon tells Cersei about the Night King and the Army of the Dead and all this, and Cersei is like, man, I don’t care about all that, I still don’t even think you know what you’re talkin’ about. The Hound walks up with a backpack full of wight, lets him out and the chain is just long enough so that it’s right in front of Cersei’s face, and she finally flinches, not as much as a buncha other people, though. They kill it and Jon explains that they can kill it with dragonglass and fire, while Qyburn struggles to manage his hard-on at this biological and mythical, um, miracle, I guess you could call it. Anyway, he’s psyched. Jon finally gets to talk about the Great War and all that shit, and Euron is like, this shit is crazy, y’all can have it, they don’t swim, so I’ma take my ships and I’ll be chillin’ on this island until this is over. He leaves and Cersei is like, aight, we can do this, but Jon has to bend the knee and Jon is like, I’m already down with Dany, so Cersei is like, well, fuck off then and leaves. Brienne tries to talk to Jaime to get him to talk to Cersei, and she’s right, this isn’t about houses or any of that right now. Jaime is like, Jesus Christ, do you even know how crazy my sister is? YOU try and tell her that.

-Everyone is like, we’re happy that you’re down with Dany, Jon, but for the love of God, you can’t lie? Of course Jon can’t, but he’s a Stark……right? Anyway, Tyrion says that he’ll fix it……but he needs to talk to Cersei alone and everyone is like, ehhhhhh, I don’t know if that’s a good idea. There is literally a bounty on his head. So he goes to meet her, stops to talk to Jaime for a minute to both be like, yeah, our sister is fucking nuts, and then, led into her chambers by FrankenMountain. And here, we have, by far, the best scene of the episode because Peter Dinklage and Lena Headey remind you that they’re REALLY FUCKING GOOD at acting. The back-and-forth between them was incredible, with Tyrion admitting to everything he did, Cersei sneering, but not over how she missed her father, but how he left their family open to attack. The one time she showed humanity was over Tommen and Myrcella, which she blamed on Tyrion and it wasn’t his fault, and he’s like, fine, do what you gotta, but I loved those kids and you know it. Tyrion sent Myrella away to keep her safe, and Oberyn was the one who got her kid. Tyrion also knew that Tommen was just not built for this, and that’s on Cersei. Tyrion says to her that he’s thought of killing her more times that he can count, and I’ll never not laugh when he says it. He orders that she tell the Mountain to kill him, and I knew that she wouldn’t. Then, he downs a glass of wine, gets one for her and now they can talk rationally because they love booze. Cersei admits what we all know: that she doesn’t give one-third of an iota of a damn about making the world a better place, just about who is in her circle and Tyrion figures out that she is pregnant. That’ll be important for something that comes up later on. Anyway, neither of these two have really been able to stretch out their acting muscles this season on a regular basis. I don’t give a damn. Emmys for everyone based on this scene. EVERYONE.

-Back at the pit, Dany and Jon talk about how they need Cersei to agree to this plan and voila, here she is with Tyrion, agreeing to the plan. A couple things here: the sexual tension between Dany and Jon, I mean, we all knew what was coming later on, right? They practically got you ready for it. But more importantly, here is where you (and I, and I didn’t) should have been like, hmmmm, I wonder what Tyrion said to Cersei to get her to change her mind? Things are starting to get a little screwy. You think Cersei is just gon’ start being nice to mufuckas? I feel stupid.

-Alright, over in Winterfell, Littlefinger is doing his damndest to persuade Sansa that Arya wants her dead. Sansa also isn’t happy about Jon bending the knee to Dany, and Littlefinger is like, well, how about this…..well, we don’t hear him say it, but we’ll see what happened in a minute.

-Back at the war room for Team Snowgaryen, Jon thinks he and Dany should go to the North together to show that they’re together and Lord Friendzone Jorah tries to step in hard on that interception, saying that she should go up by herself. He’ll never stop trying to get her. I wonder what he’ll try next season. But she says she’ll sail up with Jon, and it’s goin’ down. Jon leaves and Theon catches up to him, and long story short, Jon forgives him on some bullshit, he runs down to his people, says some shit about “FOR YARA” and they’re like, if you don’t run the fuck on somewhere. He then proceeds to get the shit beat out of him by big dude, who says that he’ll kill him if he doesn’t stay down. Oh, NOW he gets some courage and keeps getting up. Big dude knees him in the non-existent nuts and for whatever reason, that hulks Theon up like, I AIN’T EVEN GOT NUTS, and he turns the tables and beats big dude to death, even though it doesn’t look like his punches hurt half as much as big dude. Anyway, the Ironborn get behind him, they’re going to get Yara or something and I wanted to stop watching because fuck Theon, fuck his story, fuck every single person that loves him and I’ll be so mad when he kills Euron. That shit should have better odds than prime Tiger Woods at the Masters. It’s happening, more than any other thing that it is set to happen in this show. I WANT DROGON TO EAT HIS LIFE.

-Alright, I feel a bit better.

-Back to Winterfell, Sansa calls Arya into a room of soldiers and starts talkin’ about murder and treason……but she accuses Littlefinger of it and booooooooooyyyyy, does he ever get to stammering. He starts coppin’ every plea in the book and all I needed was to see Arya take a big ol’ sip of a glass of tea while Sansa is like, you killed my aunt, you wanted to have her husband killed, you started the whole Lannister-Stark beef, you got my father killed and they didn’t get to him tryna kill Bran, which I don’t know if they know, although you’d figure that Ol’ Three Eyed Raven Face over there would know. Bran is like, yo, you held a knife to our father’s throat and said I told you not to trust me and Littlefinger is like HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL OF THESE THINGS, B. Arya also says that he told her mother that the dagger was Tyrion’s and really it was his and that’s when he’s like, yo, Knights, y’all gotta get me outta here and they’re like, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP I DON’T THINK SO, TIM, and anyway, Arya kills him with the dagger like we all hoped she would. The internet partied. Littlefinger had a good run, he really shouldn’t have lasted this long. Someone pointed it out on the internet, I really need to start liking these tweets and remembering, but they said that Littlefinger got cocky and should have gotten the fuck outta dodge when Bran hit him with the “Chaos is a ladder” joint. The ONLY person that would know about that is Varys. Nah, bruh, you gotta get outta there, ASAPtually. Anyway, peace to Littlefinger. It was fun. And shouts to Sansa for catching on. I knew she wasn’t that stupid. She’s smarter than you think. She’s not brilliant or anything, but she does enough to stay alive.

-Cersei and Jaime meet up as he is readying the troops for this Up North Trip (shouts to Mobb Deep, RIP Prodigy) and she tells him nah, in the illustrious words of the South Central Mozambiquean poet, Kendrick Lamar, FUCK YO TRUCE, and all this shit was a set-up. Euron is going to get the Golden Company, she’s gon’ let Dany and Jon think she has their back, something happened to the dragons because there was three and now there is two, so she’s gon’ figure that out with all these mercenaries. Jaime is like, did you NOT just see what the fuck I seen? Between the wight and the dragons and the Dothraki and the Unsullied and the North and all that shit, you STILL wanna do this? But even Jaime, yes, Jaime, underestimated the pettiness and insanity of his sisterbabymama. Cersei is going down fighting, regardless, and would you put it past her to try and become the damn Night Queen if that means staying alive? Shit, at this point, I would put that at like, +800 (which are decent odds). Jaime is like, fuck it, I’m going north and FrankenMountain gets in the way. Here is where I thought it was going down. I was more afraid of Jaime dying than Tyrion, and I don’t mean afraid in that I care about Jaime living or dying, but that she’d actually do it, which she didn’t. Those two dying at the hands of each other has to be like, +400. Jaime leaves by himself, puts a glove on his gold hand like it’s gon’ get cold or something, feels the snow falling like, the fuck is this winter shit (I imagine this is what people in Los Angeles or something would feel like if they saw snow) and headed north.

-Sam gets to Winterfell with Gilly and, um, I think his name is Sam Jr, Lil’ Sam? Tim? Anyway, the baby (I can never remember his name). He meets Bran, who you’d think would know he was coming, but whatever, Sam asks him what happened to him beyond the Wall and Bran is like, I became the Three Eyed Raven. Sam hits that Sansa line and is like, I don’t know what that means. Bran explains that he can see all of the things, past and present, all of the time, but then he asks Sam what he wants and I’d be like, I THOUGHT YOU KNEW EVERYTHING, B. Sam says that Jon is the one to lead the fight against the Army of the Dead, but he can’t do it alone. Bran is like, he’s on his way back with Daenerys Targaryen, and Sam is like, vision? And Bran is like, nah, raven, dogg. Then Bran spills all the tea on Jon, that he is the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark, and Sam is like, yooooooooooooo, I stole this diary and I read that Rhaegar’s first marriage was annulled and he actually married Lyanna, so Jon is actually a trueborn Targaryen, which means he is the heir to the Iron Throne. And I bet Sam will have to be the one to tell Jon because Sam always has to tell Jon some bad news.

-So now, we get to incest time, and they brood, and they look at each other longingly, and they smash. Which sparked an international conversation about how much incest is too much incest, and if they didn’t know it was incest, is it REALLY incest? The answer is, man, this show was built on incest and the entire Targaryen empire was built on incest, so you know wanna know what? Let them cook. Send Jaime back to King’s Landing and let’s have a tag-team incest match between Dany and Jon (or whatever his real name is, I’m calling him Jon for the rest of the show, so whatever), and Jaime and Cersei. And I still think Tyrion is a Targaryen somehow, someway, until they prove that he is not, and then it’s a handicap match. I didn’t even mean that, that actually wrote itself. But I stand behind it.

-So now, we have Tyrion, who sees Jon go inside and he’s like, awwwww man…..this is bad. Now, this could go a couple ways. I initially thought that it was because, it’s just a bad time for all this, incest or not…..gotta stay focus on the task at hand. But then my girl sent me this Huffington Post article (thanks, lovey) because she asked me why Tyrion cared that Cersei was pregnant, because really, he shouldn’t give a damn. I don’t even think that she is, 100%, but since Maury can’t make an appearance, we’ll just have to trust Cersei, which sounds really fucking stupid, but here we are. Did Tyrion get soft and cut a deal with Cersei to betray Dany? And then there is the whole matter of Tyrion mentioning shit to Dany about having an heir to the throne, since she said she can’t have kids. Anyway, it’s a very interesting article. Quite frankly, I don’t really read many articles on Game Of Thrones just because people pick it apart and it’s all too damn much when really, it’s just a television show. But it’s worth a click.

-Arya and Sansa stand on top of a wall and they’re cool now, and they miss their father. Good for them. I think I’d care more if they got all the Theon time. Yes, I definitely would.

-Bran is out by the tree, wargin’ away the time, and he sends the ravens to the Wall, where Tormund and Beric are there, when they notice the Army of the Dead coming out of the trees. And that’s when I’m like, LOOK UP, MUFUCKAS, LOOK UP, YOU KNOW WHAT’S COMING. The Night King rolls up with Viserion and starts wreckin’ shop, shooting some sort of blue flame at the Wall and he brought that mufucka down like it was made of Lego. I’m sure Beric and Tormund survived somehow, but that shit ain’t important because the spectacle of Viserion just flapping there, breathing fire with all of his might until the Wall came down, man, if that didn’t move your soul to a different place, then we ain’t built the same and that’s completely fine. Anyway, they’re coming now, and they got two years to get there, so they should be at Winterfell by then.

-Season 7 MVP (Character) – The Night King. HE HAS A FUCKING ZOMBIE DRAGON. WHAT ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT?

-Season 7 MVP (Actor/Actress) – Lena Headey, for the scene here and the joint where she locked Ellaria and her daughter up. Cersei is a goddamn maniac.

Well, that was fun. And sometimes, that’s all that needs to be had. Mufuckas was outchea making Game Of Thrones The Walking Dead. Nah. Not tryna hear it, especially in a fantasy show. And we wouldn’t even be in this position if homeboy had gotten the books done, maybe. But I don’t even care. It’s still the heavyweight champion of television and dammit, I was entertained. I’ll be shallow, but I’ll be entertained.

Anyway, I could probably add another 1,000 words, but I gotta get to work. Maybe I’ll update or write another post at some point. Shit, we got like, two years until it comes back, so I have plenty of time. They shouldn’t even tell us when it drops, just drop Season 8 in the middle of the night like a Beyonce album and see how many mufuckas call in to work that day, Thanks for rockin’ with me, shouts to Pat for being my editor and yeah……we’ll do this again in 2019 (although I might do something for American Horror Story, depending on work life).

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Game Of Thrones S07E06 – Beyond The Wall

Game Of Thrones heads beyond the wall with this latest episode as Ridiculous Plan #1482 is executed, successfully, I guess. However, the Night King now has his best weapon against the best weapon that Jon and ’em had against him, and next season is about to be so very lit. Let’s go….

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-Not that many places to jump around to this week. Start in Winterfell, where Arya is being super pressed about Sansa and that letter that Littlefinger planted for her to find. She shows Sansa the letter and Sansa tries to explain, but Arya ain’t tryna hear it, saying that Sansa just stood there at Ned’s execution. Sansa was like, OH, so you were also there and ALSO didn’t do anything about it? If you don’t get outta here with that, which is a fair point. Sansa also says that Winterfell would still be under Bolton rule if it wasn’t for the Knights of the Vale coming for her, which again, is fair. But I can’t help but think that this is all a ruse by Arya, who already knows that Sansa is going to run back to Littlefinger, which she eventually does. Sansa thinks the letter will turn the lords of the North against her, and she tells him that she and Arya are beefin’, and Littlefinger is like, oh word, you don’t say? He’s such a dirtbag. No way he survives this. You think Arya went to the Faceless State University just to be taken down by this guy? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP.

-Sansa gets a letter from Cersei, who wants her to come to King’s Landing, but she wants to send Brienne instead based on her relationship with Jaime. Brienne doesn’t want to leave her with Littlefinger, and Sansa won’t listen to her. I believe Sansa is playing Littlefinger as much as he is playing her; I just think he’s better at it. She has gotten better, but she shouldn’t get too deep with this battle, although this is like, two seasons deep now and she doesn’t really have a choice.

-Sansa then breaks into Arya’s room and finds the bag of faces, including Walder Frey, which is pretty good. Arya is like, you like what you see? She asks Sansa to play that stupid game that Jaqen wanted her to play, and Sansa is like, I’m not doing that shit, what’s up with these faces, tho? Arya responds that they both wanted to be other people as she wanted to be a fighter, and Sansa wanted to be a queen. This allows Arya to be someone else, even Sansa, and she creepily pulls out a dagger, which she leaves with Sansa. Sansa is slowly coming to grips with the fact that her little sister is a goddamn lunatic. She needs to use that to her advantage. This doesn’t need to end any other way than with Arya cutting Littlefinger. Quickly, it’s a shame that there weren’t more scenes between Maisie Williams and Sophie Turner. They bring out the best in each other. I’m not a huge fan of either character on their own, but together, yeah, I fucks with that.

-Alright, on to Dragonstone, where Dany and Tyrion are talking about Cersei wanting to meet at King’s Landing. Tyrion thinks it’s a trap, because Cersei, but Dany is like, you see all these Unsullied and Dothraki I still have? She would have even more if she went back and got Grey Worm and ’em, but that’s next week, I think. Tyrion is tryna tell Dany to stay calm, and that Cersei and Joffrey rule with fear, which means people will try to overthrow them. He also brings up a plan for Dany’s succession due to her not being able to have kids, which I forgot about. It has to do with the spell in Season 1 put on her by Mirri Maz Duur, who basically killed Drogo and Dany’s unborn son, who was stillborn. I assume the spell also made her infertile? Oh well, she gave birth to dragons, which are much cooler than children. Dany is like, the fuck is with this succession shit? Why are you talkin’ about this right now? And why should I listen to you when your plans have been, by and large, hot garbage? All fair points. She listened to Tyrion and lost Highgarden, Dorne and the Greyjoy armies. She did what she wanted to do, and destroyed the Lannister forces. Remember, Lady O said stop listening to dudes because they ain’t shit? She was probably right, well, mostly right. I don’t think you can be totally right in Game Of Thrones.

-Jon and the Suicide Squad (I’m not calling them “Snocean’s Seven” or whatever the internet was calling it, that’s stupid) head out on Operation: Get Wight, and the first part of it all is just talking. Gendry is mad because the Brotherhood sold him to Melisandre and the Hound is like, BUT DID YOU DIE, THO? Jon and Jorah talk about their fathers and Jon tries to give Jorah his father’s sword, but Jorah doesn’t think he is worthy of it. Tormund talks about Brienne with the Hound, who is like, yeah, I think I know who you’re talkin’ about, she damn near killed me (which he didn’t say to Tormund). There were a couple zingers, but nothing really memorable. I’m sure people were psyched about Tormund and the Hound going back and forth. It was fine. I’m so impatient at this point in the show. If it doesn’t have to do with the story, I really don’t have time for it.

-Alright, shit gets real when a bear wight comes out of nowhere. So I’ll explain this now: the White Walkers are the things that have blue eyes; the wights are the zombie mufuckas, basically GOT’s version of Foot Soldiers, shouts to Ninja Turtles. The Night King is the first White Walker, and White Walkers have the ability to turn other things into White Walkers. Remember Craster’s baby back in Season 4? Yeah, that. Anyway, the bear fucks a couple people up, no one important, although Thoros gets caught and Beric cures him with the flaming sword of glory. Beric is pretty handy to have around; also, being able to come back to life, that’s a very good skill to have. I’d be reckless as shit with that.

-They’re walking, and they’re walking, and then the party sees a group of wights led by a White Walker. Now, why there is a random offshoot group of them by themselves, I don’t know, but it’s fine. They set a trap for the group and then ambush them, and Jon kills the White Walker, which causes them all to disintegrate but one. They jump it and tie it up, and off they go. Why didn’t this creature get affected, but the rest did? I’m not sure, but they got it and there it goes.

-A massive group of wights (I’m trying SO hard not to get these jokes off about massive groups of wights, but those are too easy) are alerted by the one wight’s screams, so Thoros tells Gendry to leave his hammer and go get ravens to Dany that they need help. Jon and the squad manage to get to the middle of a lake, but they’re surrounded by like, thousands of wights. Gendry eventually makes it to Eastwatch and collapses, and when he comes to, he tells Davos to get these ravens on the go. I have no idea how long Gendry was running for, but again, time doesn’t matter in this show.

-Thoros dies, which is fine, no one really cared about him (by no one, I mean me). They burn his body and Beric suggest to Jon that he just kill the Night King and Jon is like, oh geez, thanks, tips, just as easy as that, huh? Sure, if they kill him, all of the wights might die, but he’s a pretty tough guy to get to, much less kill. Beric says that the Lord of Light didn’t bring Jon back to life for no reason, which is fair, but dammit, that’s a really hard thing to do and you don’t think Jon hasn’t thought of this already? Yeesh. Thanks for nothing, except for a super-cool flaming sword.

-Dany gets the letter and gets ready to ride out, and Tyrion doesn’t want her to go. Again, Dany is like, I’m not listening to your dumb ass anymore and takes all three dragons with her. Meanwhile, the Hound decides that it’s time to fuck around and throws rocks at the wights, which is simply fucking stupid. The wights realize that the ice is now strong enough and they can start moving in on the crew and everyone is like, THANKS, HOUND, ‘PRECIATE IT. They get to fighting, fighting, fighting, fighting, but Jon eventually tells them to fall back. Tormund gets swarmed by the wights, but somehow not only doesn’t get messed up, but the Hound saves him. Another dude falls into a pit of wights and yeah, he got fucked up, b.

-But out of nowhere, Dany flies in on Drogon and the other two, and starts wreckin’ shop. Drogon ran up in there like the 30th man at the Royal Rumble and shit. He settles down and Viserion and Rhaegal keep up the fight, while the group puts the captured wight on Drogon and they load up as well. However, the Night King steps up like Dan Marino and hits Viserion right in the neck. Everyone looks like, well, shit, that’s a game-changer as Viserion falls into the ice, crashes through and sinks. The Night King wants to throw another one, but Jon rushes him and is dragged under the ice by two wights, but he tells Dany to roll out.

-But WAIT, it gets better. Dany and ’em leave, and the Night King and company leave as well, which leaves Jon underwater with the wights, who die, I assume. I don’t know how much longer it is, but Jon pops up because people don’t drown on this show. More wights show up and try to get Jon, but uncle Benjen Stark pops up and gives Jon his horse. The wights eventually swarm him, though. So now we have wight uncle Benjen AND wight Hodor to look forward to.

-The Hound loads up the wight into a boat at Eastwatch and says he never wants to see Tormund and Beric again. Dany sends Drogon and Rhaegal to find Jon, but he rolls up anyway on the horse, all fucked up. Also, let’s give props to Dany’s coat. That joint was smoove. Everyone’s fur game was pretty tight in this episode, actually.

-Jon wakes up to find Dany staring at him, and he says, hey, maybe that was a stupid idea, and you lost a dragon because of it. But now Dany knows that the Army of the Dead is actually a thing, and she’s more down to fight them and leave all this throne shit behind. Dany also says that she doesn’t like being called Dany; the last person to call her that was Viserys and well, he was kind of a piece of shit brother. So Jon is like, fine, I’ll call you my Queen and I’ll bend the knee, but I’m kinda fucked up right now and I’ll do it when I can stand and shit. They hold hands for a minute and dammit, someone gotta get Bran in a room with Jon for just 10 minutes.

-We end with the wights pulling Viserion’s body out of the lake with some big-ass chains that people are kinda pressed about on the internet. The Night King walks up to him and puts his hands on his face, and BOOM, his eyes open and they’re blue. So, for everyone pressed about the chains because it was really weird to see how many people were mad about it:

WHO FUCKING CARES BECAUSE WE HAVE MOTHERFUCKING ICE ZOMBIE DRAGONS!

Say it with me now:

MOTHERFUCKING ICE ZOMBIE DRAGONS, B!

-Now, in theory, this blows the “Tyrion is a dragon rider” theory out of the water, but I still think he is a Targaryen. He’s just not a dragon-rider. That’s fine. So now I’m getting ready for this handicap match between the Night King and Viserion against Dany and Drogon, and Jon and Rhaegal. I’m so here for this dragon on dragon violence. Probably won’t get that until the final season, tho. It’ll be interesting to see what Viserion can shoot out of his mouth, either fire or ice, but that’ll have a hand in how they get through the Wall, I’d bet.

Oh, quick aside: I’m putting GOT above Breaking Bad now, so it’s #2 on the list. Breaking Bad was amazing. Hell, Breaking Bad was the reason that I started doing these recaps, and it’s a wonderful show. Guess what it ain’t have, tho:

MOTHERFUCKING ICE ZOMBIE DRAGONS.

One episode left. Giddy up, y’all.

Game Of Thrones S07E05 – Eastwatch

After four episodes of battles and fighting, Game Of Thrones scaled it back a little with “Eastwatch”, but by no means at all was it a slow episode. It needed to reset the board a little after the chaos of the first part of the season, and sets things up for what should be a wild two episodes. Let’s go…..

-Let’s start at the Reach, where Jaime somehow managed to not die thanks to Bronn, who was only here for his gold, which means Jaime can’t die yet, unless Bronn kills him. We’ll overlook the fact that not only should Jaime have died because of his armor, or even Drogon, but his gold hand gotta be heavy. But you overlook a lot of shit in Game Of Thrones because dragons and white walkers and all that good shit. Anyway, Jaime and Bronn both realize that they’re fucked if Dany brings out all three dragons since the scorpion gun absolutely didn’t work. It’s all good when it works on dragons that have been dead for however long…..them shits didn’t move around and breathe fire at you as you’re shooting.

-Let’s go quickly to King’s Landing, where Jaime has to tell Cersei that this shit ain’t work. He’s like, man, that’s a big-ass dragon, and she has two more, and those Dothraki mufuckas are the opposite of what a joke is. Cersei doesn’t care, tho, because she will be petty until the very end, no matter how many innocents die in the midst of it. Jaime then tells her that Lady O told him that she was the one who killed Joffrey, not Tyrion, and Cersei doesn’t believe until Jaime points out that it would have been easier for Margaery to control Tommen over Joffrey, which gave Lady O power. Then Cersei is mad that Lady O didn’t feel any pain for what she did and Jaime is like, we AIN’T got time for that shit right now, fuck are we gon’ do about these dragons and Dothraki? Again, Cersei’s pettiness will be the downfall of her. She’s such a jerk and it freaks me out how much I really love this character. Shouts to Lena Headey. She’s marvelous.

-We’ll get back to King’s Landing in a minute, but we’ll head back to the Reach for a second as Tyrion is looking at all of the dead Lannisters and Tarlys, burned to ashes by Drogon and slaughtered by the Dothraki. Everyone who survived is brought to Dany, who again, is on this “bend the knee” shit, even though she tries to assure them that she isn’t like her father despite what Cersei has been telling them. I dunno how easy it is to believe her when they’ve just seen their boys get flamed the fuck up, but hey, you do you. Most of the soldiers do bend the knee, except for Randyll and Dickon Tarly, and a few others. Dany calls them forward and Tyrion suggests sending them to the Wall, but Randyll calls Tyrion a traitor for even rolling with Dany, and at least Cersei is true Westerosi, which is some ‘cism, but again, it’s whatever. Plus, Randyll says she can’t send him to the Wall because she isn’t his Queen and Dany is like, oh word?  The Dothraki bring Randyll and Dickon (who goes against his father’s word) forth and they lovingly hold hands as Drogon melts them within seconds. Dany should have went down and thrown the ashes in the air like LeBron does with chalk before games. Anyway, that shit is over. Should have just bent the mufuckin’ knee, bruh. And Tyrion is still over here lookin’ all down about shit. But he won’t do anything stupid. I’ll tell you why in a second.

-On to Dragonstone, where Jon is walking around, being all brooding and shit because that’s what he does. Dany rides in on Drogon, who swoops down to Jon and roars in his face. Jon does a decent job of hiding the feces in his pants, I think, and manages to not only stay in front of Drogon, but he pets him and Dany is like, WHO IN THE FUCK IS THIS? Jon then says to Dany that the dragons are beautiful beasts, and Dany is like, mufucka, these are my kids, nobody talks about my bad-ass children but me, and Jon is like, bet, where’d you go tho? Dany says something about Hennessey and enemies and walks off.

-SO……we have Dany, the mother of dragons and all kinds of other shit, she rides the dragons. Jon manages to pet Drogon and not get flamed. Tyrion, back in Season 6, managed to not only get up close to the other two dragons, Viserion and Rhaegal, but he unshackles them and says he wanted a dragon of his own. Y’all aware of the dragon-riders theory? Google it. There are three dragons, and we have three people, all of which likely have Targaryen blood. Why do you think Tywin hated Tyrion so much? That ain’t his son. He was mad as shit having to spend his money and time taking care of a dwarf. There you have it. Cersei might pee a little if she sees Tyrion flying into King’s Landing on a dragon. Not in fear, just because what the fuck?

-Back to Dragonstone, where Dany asks Jon about the whole “knife to the heart” thing and Jon is like, oh, that Davos….what a guy. But they’re interrupted by Lord Friendzone himself, Jorah, who is back, lacking the greyscale, and he’s ready to serve his Queen. Dany is like, awww, my friend…..this is Jon Snow, who tells Jorah that he served under his pops in the Night’s Watch. All Jorah is thinking is, goddammit, another good-looking young dude I gotta try and leapfrog? She gave him a hug and I wonder how much he wanted to try and go in for that kiss?

-Tyrion and Varys are talking about Randyll and Dickon, and Varys tells Tyrion that he tried to distance himself from the Mad King when he killed Rickard Stark (Ned’s father) and Brandon Stark (Ned’s brother). Tyrion is still talkin’ this, she’s not her father, shit. Varys is like, fine, whatever, but she does have a proclivity to burn a mufucka or 8,000, so you need to tame that. They also talk a little about Bran’s raven, which we’ll get to in a bit. Yeah, this shit is all over the place.

-Jon got the raven and tells Dany about Bran’s vision of the white walkers and that he is going home, and he ain’t tellin’ her again. Tyrion says that they should go and get a wight to prove to everyone that this shit is the real threat and Varys says that Cersei won’t believe it…..Tyrion says that he can get to Jaime. Varys is out here making puppets dance. Also, what the hell kinda plan is that? Just go get a wight. That’s why Jon needs your army, Dany, Jesus……but he goes, and Jorah goes with him, because there is no lengths that his thirsty ass won’t go to for Dany. Anyway, Tyrion and Davos go to King’s Landing.

-Tyrion meets with Jaime underneath the Red Keep via Bronn, and I wish Bronn had stuck around because he and Tyrion would have had some nice jokes at the expense of Jaime’s hand. But there are more pressing issues, like, Tyrion killing Tywin, Tywin being a lifelong dick to Tyrion, up to and including ordering his execution, and Tyrion telling Jaime that everyone knows Dany is going to win this thing, so let’s talk about peace. Jaime brings that back to Cersei, who knew about it, of course. Jaime brings up the white walkers and that they’re tryna bring her proof, and Cersei seems like she’s down for a truce….for now, but that they’ll destroy anything in their path. Also, for all the shit that happened in this episode, Cersei’s admission that she is pregnant with another incest baby has flown under the radar in regards to all the recaps. Is she lying? The baby probably won’t make it anyway because she won’t make it. She tells Jaime not to betray her again, and the two of them are going to kill each other so good.

-Davos goes to find Gendry, Robert Baratheon’s bastard son who Davos helped escape Dragonstone a while ago so he wouldn’t die like the rest of his bastards. He is also the last Baratheon, so that has to stand for something. Anyway, he finds him, Gendry brings a war hammer and it’s a good thing. They get ready to leave when they are spotted by two gold cloaks, the Star Trek red shirt mufuckas of this shit. He gives them some story about crabs and impotence, and they buy it until Tyrion shows up and remember, Cersei has a bounty on Tyrion. They go to do something about it, but Gendry smashes their faces in with the hammer. They go on about their business. Good for Gendry. I literally forgot about him until this episode, and didn’t know anything about it until right now, as I’m writing this.

-Head to Winterfell right quick, where Bran has a vision with ravens, which he sends out to find the Army of the Dead. He finds them, being white and STILL walking, and the Night’s King looks at them, and they scatter like shit, which wakes Bran up. He’s like, yo, send out these ravens, b, and the notes likely say something like, AYE, WHITE WALKERS COMING FAST…WELL, NOT FAST, BUT FAST ENOUGH. Meanwhile, Sansa is being told that maybe she should be the leader of Winterfell, and Sansa doesn’t really buy what the lords are talking about. Arya is like, just kill ’em and Sansa is like, the fuck is wrong with you, WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN. Arya is about this killin’ life now and I’m here for it. So of course, she decides to stalk Littlefinger, who is up to shenanigans and all-around shady shit, and she sees him meeting with a buncha people. She breaks into his room after he met with Maester Wolkan, who had a copy of a scroll, and she finds out that the scroll is from when Sansa wrote a letter, at the behest of Cersei, to Robb, telling him to bend the knee of Joffrey. Goddamn, you could make a killing in Westeros selling kneepads. Knee bending EVERYWHERE. Now, Arya doesn’t know that this letter was written with Cersei watching, and Sansa was trying to save her father. However, she rushes off in anger and there is Littlefinger in the shadows, smiling. Shouts to @Mariannoo on Twitter who said that “Littlefinger always looks like he just realized there’s an extra nugget in his 10 piece”.

-ALRIGHT, on to Oldtown, where the maesters don’t buy the letter from Bran and Sam is like, yo, he’s not lying about this shit, he was out there in those streets, bruh, where was you? He also says that they should warn the people, but doesn’t throw in that, you know, he killed one himself. They wouldn’t believe him anyway. I think the main archmaester believes him, but he’s a dick anyway. So of course, Sam goes home to Gilly to talk about how much his job sucks, because that’s what you do in relationships. She asks him about this “Ragger” character that got annulled from a marriage, so he could marry another woman. But Sam is too busy listening to hear that “Ragger” is Rhaegar Targaryen, who was married to Elia Martell, but left her for Lyanna Stark, aka Ned’s sister and Jon’s real mother…..which means Jon is actually trueborn Targaryen and the real heir to the throne. Even though Dany is the daughter of the Mad King, Jon has the claim to the throne because, well, men ain’t shit and that’s what kinda what we do. Take shit over and fuck it up. But this show has always been Jon. If you could have put 2+2 = 4 together, or in this case, R+L=J, you’d know that Game Of Thrones has always been about Jon. He is the encapsulation of a song of ice and fire. I’m not happy about it, but it is what it is and I’ll still enjoy it. Anyway, I really hope at some point, Sam just shut the fuck up and listened to Gilly. Well, they had a long-ass trip in front of them as Sam stole some books and with Gilly and her son, whatever his name is, they left for, I don’t know, Dragonstone, maybe? Did they even know?

-Whew, alright, back to Dragonstone for a minute as Davos and Tyrion get back with Gendry. They meet up with Jon, who is heading to Eastwatch with Jorah and company to find a wight and bring it back, no sweat. Gendry is like, fuck it, I’ll go too. So, the three of them take a boat from Dragonstone to Eastwatch, so, the Wall. Jon hollers at Tormund and the crew about helping out, and Tormund is like, so you gotta convince the incest queen AND the dragon queen that these things exist? That line was pretty good. Then they meet with The Brotherhood Without Banners, so Beric, Thoros and the Hound, and Gendry is like, naaaaaaaaaaaaaah because apparently, the Brotherhood sold him to Melisandre. Which is fair, but they all decide that while they don’t like each other, there are bigger fish to fry. So they walk out past the Wall, lookin’ like a cold-ass Suicide Squad, and I guess they’ll be back with a fuckin’ wight, because why not? They head out into the Land of Always Winter, which sounds and looks unpleasant as fuck.

So, I guess Dany and Cersei are on hold until Jon and ’em come back…….hahahahahaha yeah, right. Cersei might try something stupid, like, chances of that are at least 7/10. I’m very anxious to see what Littlefinger is doing with Sansa and Arya, and how Brienne will fit into this. Also, Varys…..on the low, doing what he always does, intercepting ravens and pulling strings. Euron likely makes an appearance next episode, and I don’t even know if Dany plans on going to Casterly Rock to get Grey Worm and ’em. Missandei might gotta get in her ear about that. I think all that shit gets tied up next week and the finale will be the Suicide Squad against the Army of the Dead.

Next episode, 71 minutes, so this will be even longer next week. And 81 minutes the next week, so yeah…..put your reading glasses on, because shit is about to get so very real on Game Of Thrones.

Game Of Thrones S07E04 – The Spoils Of War

At 50 minutes, “The Spoils Of War” is the shortest episode of this season of Game Of Thrones. So how in the hell did it seem like EVERYTHING HAPPENED? From start to finish, this was an all-time classic. Let’s go…..

-We’ll start at King’s Landing, where it was pretty quiet this week for a change, Cersei is gettin’ her Scrooge McDuck on after the Fall of Highgarden as gold is being transported from there to her. She tells Tycho that she plans to pay off her debt to the Iron Bank, because you know how Lannisters do with debts and all. But of course, Cersei needs more money to keep the war going, and she wants to recruit the Golden Company, a group of mercenaries that we’ve only heard of once, back in Season 4 in a conversation between Davos and Stannis. Apparently, they’re pretty good at fighting. Tycho says that they’ll do it once they get the other money first. Cersei is getting the Golden Company, one way or another, make no bones about that. They better be good. She’s gon’ need ’em.

-On to Winterfell, where Littlefinger tries to suck up to Bran, giving him the Valyrian steel dagger that was meant to kill him back in Season 1. The joint that was the reason that Catelyn kidnapped Tyrion and blamed the hit on him. Anyway, Bran is really not here for any of that shit and hits Littlefinger with the “Chaos is a ladder” line that Littlefinger said to Varys. Oooooooooh, the look on Littlefinger’s face was priceless, how in the fuck did you know about that? It’s rare that you see Littlefinger shook, but “Shook Ones Part 2” started playin’ in the background, shouts to Mobb Deep, RIP Prodigy. Anyway, Littlefinger leaves to get his mind right, and Meera walks in to say goodbye to Bran, who is like, yeah, whatever, peace, dogg. Meera is like, mufuckas died for you, my brother, Hodor, a whole buncha mufuckas and you can’t even muster a smile? But Bran ain’t Bran anymore. He’s the Three-Eyed Raven now. She’ll understand on the long-ass walk back to her family.

-Arya finally gets back to Winterfell, and fuck those guards, b. She names off some names like Maester Luwin and Rodrik, who are both dead, and then she realizes that her sister is in charge. The guards still don’t believe and throw a punch, and they have no idea what in the world they’re getting into. She sneaks away easily and when they finally tell Sansa that they lost her, she knows where Arya is: where their father is buried. They embrace, they have some small talk and Arya tells Sansa about her list because she was mad that she didn’t get to kill Joffrey. The list is still going strong. You’d have to think that she and Ed Sheeran will team up to kill Cersei by the time this is over, right? Right. I’d be here for that. Anyway, Sansa takes Arya to Bran, and shouts to his wheelchair. Bran knows about the list because he thought Arya was going to King’s Landing to get Cersei, and Arya’s like, the fuck do you know about that? Sansa’s like, little brother is weird, b. It wasn’t quite the reunion that we had in mind for the Starks, but things done changed. Just wait until Jon gets back. Oh, and Bran gets Arya the dagger, which they deduce that someone rich wanted him dead because Valyrian steel is the top of the top. Sansa says that Littlefinger probably gave it to Bran because he wants something, and she’s probably right because Littlefinger.

-They head to the courtyard, where Brienne, God love, continues to try and train Pod, who is getting better at fighting. But she’s taking compliments now as Pod called her a lady and she’s like, yeah, sure, thanks. They’re still a top-two duo in this show, along with Arya and the Hound. Arya steps up and is like, lemme try and Brienne is like, aight, I’ll take it easy on you….and then she realizes that Arya, in the words of the great midwestern African poet, Rakim, ain’t no joke. She manages to knock Needle out of Arya’s hand, so Arya switches to the dagger, and Brienne is like, fuck this, and kicks Arya square in the chest. It’s all good, though. Brienne asks her where she learned to fight, and Arya says, “no one”. Clever. That whole storyline is the epitome of GOT: it might be annoying to watch right now, but it’ll come in handy. Littlefinger is worried. Sansa is like, what in the hell has Arya been up to?

-Alright, on to the good stuff: Dragonstone. Missandei is worried about Grey Worm and Dany is like, what did y’all do and Missandei was about to yell “DAT MOUF”, but Jon interrupts. He takes Dany to the dragonglass mine, which is filled with dragonglass, obviously, but there is more. There are all sorts of hieroglyphics down there, left by the Children of the Forest, and there are drawings of the First Men as well. Jon says that they have to come together to fight as the Children and the First Men did when they had to battle the White Walkers and the Night King, of which there are drawings. Dany is like, hmmmm, maybe this dude isn’t crazy? Which reminds me, I was talking to a coworker about this and he brought up a great point: why is this so hard to believe for Dany when SHE HAS DRAGONS? DRAGONS, B. The Targaryen arrogance might be her downfall. So they leave, and they’re greeted by Tyrion and Varys, who tell Dany that she has Casterly Rock now, but then there was Highgarden. So now, Dany is without Highgarden, Dorne and the Iron Islands, and it’s all because, high key, Tyrion isn’t that good at military strategy. He never has been. He’s fine when it comes to political maneuvering, but when it comes to armies and shit, not his strong suit. Dany then goes at Tyrion for possibly punking out because the Lannisters are his people, which may or may not be true, I think mostly not true…..but maybe a little? They still have the Unsullied and Dothraki, but Dany can’t feed them all without the Reach (of which the capital is Highgarden) because Cersei also took all of the foods. Dany is like, fuck y’all, I got dragons, and then asks Jon what she should do. He says that if she uses her dragons, she’s no better than the Mad King or anyone else. Dany is like, that’s not what I want to hear.

-Jon and Davos are walking, and Davos is like, yo, what’s good with you and the Dragon Queen, you tryna smash, and Jon is like, there is no time for that now. Oh Jon, if you only knew how much time there isn’t for that right now. Missandei asks why his last name is Snow when his pops was a Stark, and when he explains the idea of a bastard, she still doesn’t get it because in Naath, marriage isn’t a concept. Davos is like, oh word, what are you sayin’, girl…..but let’s take a step back when they say to Missandei that JON’S PARENTS WEREN’T MARRIED. That’s pretty good. I like the fact that GOT ain’t tryna be subtle with it anymore. Fuck it, we all know who the parents are, and we’re gon’ beat you over the head with it. No time for fuckin’ around.

-Theon the Fuckboy rolls up with his people, and Jon is like, the only reason I’m not killing you right now is because you saved Sansa. I don’t think that should spare his life, but whatever. He then asks Dany to help him get his sister back, but Dany is gone and Jon leaves too, so you’re on your own. Idiot. I’ma be so mad when they try to make him a hero.

-At the Reach, Jaime is getting the boys together to send the gold and stuff back to King’s Landing, and he gives Bronn some gold, but Bronn is like, what about this castle, though? I dunno, how about Highgarden? But Jaime tells him that the war ain’t over yet and they’re not doing shit with Highgarden anyway. Randyll Tarly thinks that they should get a move on so that they don’t get caught out there, and they also run into Dickon, Randyll’s son, to ask him what he thought of war, and he’s like, meh, it’s aight. See, the Tarlys betrayed the Tyrells, and Dickon knew many of the men that he had to kill. Welcome to Game Of Thrones, my man. Dickon also didn’t know that men shit themselves when they die. Bronn be teachin’ out here. Easily the MVP of this episode.

-So they’re going, and then they hear the rumble of galloping horses, like, a lot of them. So they rally the troops and get ready for the incoming swarm of Dothraki, and there are WAY too many for them to handle. Bronn tries to get Jaime to go back to King’s Landing, but Jaime wants to fight with his men. Jaime is like, that’s cool, we can fight these men…..but then in swoops Drogon with Dany on his back and they’re like, oh for fuck sakes, these things still actually exist? It’s easy to break through the enemy lines when a giant dragon blazes a path of charred bodies straight through the middle, and the Dothraki get to kickin’ some Lannister ass. A lot of fighting and stuff, but let’s slow down a little. Not the best battle scene in GOT history, it was just cool because there were dragons. It’s still not “Hardhome”, it might not “Battle of the Bastards” and even though you might not remember it, “Blackwater” was also pretty dope. Let’s just say it was very, very good. Jaime’s men try their best, and they even shoot arrows at Drogon, but apparently he has armor on his stomach and how in the hell do you get armor on the stomach of a dragon?

-Jaime hollers at Bronn to go to the, what the GOT Wikia calls a scorpion-bolt launcher, but I’m calling it the big-ass crossbow. Bronn gets to it, cutting off horses’ legs and shit, and one Dothraki chases Bronn, and meets the big-ass crossbow. Then Bronn reloads, somehow by himself even though this shit looks like it needs a buncha people do it, but hey, no time for reality and details and shit right now. He loads up and aims for Drogon, but misses, and Dany is like, oh word? I’ll come to you. They divebomb Bronn, who manages to hit Drogon in the shoulder, but then a pissed-off Drogon blazes fire at the big-ass crossbow and just misses Bronn, who tucks and rolls like shit. Drogon goes to the ground and Dany tries to remove the arrow, and Drogon proceeds to light up anyone who is dumb enough to get close to her.

-Tyrion is overlooking the damage and one of the Dothraki is like, man, your people are some bitches, b, y’all can’t fight for shit. But then he spots Jaime, who has Dany in his sight and rides towards her, and basically, it’s a suicide mission. But Drogon spots him in time and well, fire…..but here comes the MVP, LeBronn James as Black Twitter dubbed him, and he saves Jaime by tackling him and they both go in the water, although Jaime appears to be drowning. But he’s not dead. He’ll be a good hostage for Dany going forward. He’s used to that shit anyway.

There wasn’t a single wasted moment on Sunday. Even the stuff at King’s Landing, not a battle, but still really important because Cersei’s gon’ need more people now. Can she afford them now that her gold is likely up in flames? Who’s gon’ be the brave soul that tries to take a big-ass arrow out of Drogon’s shoulder? Does Dany have a First Aid certificate? Are there any lifeguards in the house to save Jaime? Can someone PLEASE get Jon and Bran in a fucking room? Will Cersei now have to start drinking boxed wine? Will Littlefinger rebound from having peed himself? And Jesus, the White Walkers gotta be getting close to the Wall by now, yeah? Actually, that’ll be the sixth or seventh episode. Oh, and where is the Hound, Beric and the other guy? A lot of questions await the last three episodes of Game Of Thrones.

Game Of Thrones S07E03 – The Queen’s Justice

After “The Queen’s Justice”, I’m already getting ready to be mad at Game Of Thrones. There will be no justice for the one that deserves it the most, which goes against everything this show is about. Also, kinda upset about the lack of torture, and I think that makes me a terrible person. Let’s go…..

-Dragonstone is the obvious place to start. Dany and Jon meet, Missandei goes through all 83 of Dany’s names and Davos is like, aye, this is Jon, King of the North….yeah, that’s it. Jon won’t bend the knee, Dany tells him not to think of her like her father, yet a little bit of the Mad King comes out with each word and I wish she would just embrace the insanity. Jon tries to tell them about the Army of the Dead and everyone thinks he’s crazy, except Tyrion because he knows Jon a little and knows he wouldn’t lie about something as crazy as this. Davos tries to pipe up and tell Dany that Jon united the wildlings and the the Wall to fight the White Walkers, and almost tells them about the whole “knife to the heart and coming back to life” and Jon is like, YO, CHILL, THEY AIN’T NEED TO KNOW THAT RIGHT NOW. Long story short is that all this shit is moot when the Walkers come, but since they’re both being stubborn, Dany sends Jon and Davos to their quarters and says that they’re not her prisoners…..not yet. She also gets word from Varys that Euron jacked Yara and company, so they’ll figure out the Jon shit later.

-Jon and Tyrion meet up and again, Tyrion says he believes Jon, along with Jeor Mormont (Jorah’s father, ex-Commander of the Night’s Watch) as they’ve both claimed to have seen the White Walkers. Tyrion also wants Jon to know that he wants to help, but he needs to know what he can actually do because Dany ain’t tryna hear about this White Walker thing right now. He then goes to Dany and is like, yo, you give him the dragonglass underneath Dragonstone because seriously, you’re not using it, so it’s useless to you. Jon, in turn, is an ally in this Cersei/Euron thing that is about to go down. Everyone is happy. Dany said it best early in the episode when Jon said that Tyrion likes to talk, and she says that everyone likes what they’re good at. No one on the show is better at talking than Tyrion…..one person comes close, but we’ll sadly get to her in a bit.

-Jon meets Dany and the two come to an agreement that she’ll let him mine the dragonglass, with men and equipment. Jon doesn’t say that he’ll help against Cersei, but he doesn’t say that he doesn’t, so I guess that’s an agreement? Jon asks Dany if she believes him about the White Walkers and shit, and Dany’s like, sure, fine, get to work, we’ll talk about ya little ghosts and shit later.

-Theon’s fuck ass gets rescued by a boat. They could have let him drown. They should have let him drown. They ask him what happened to Yara, and ask why he is still alive if he tried to help her, WHICH HE DIDN’T. He’s trash. Pure and utter trash. Fuck his PTSD. Fuck his castration. Fuck him. And they’re setting him up for this big, stupid redemption that he doesn’t deserve one little bit. He might be my most hated character in the history of the show, and that’s more than Joffrey and Ramsay. He’s the worst.

-We’ll go back to Dragonstone in a bit, but next, it’s off to the Citadel, where the Archmaester figures out that Sam treated Lord Friendzone and he’s all good to go now. Jorah thanks Sam and says that he hopes their paths cross again, which they obviously will, likely in Dragonstone. But Sam gets no love from the Archmaester, who orders him to make copies of these dirty-ass manuscripts, and he’s lucky he ain’t get fired. But Sam is smart and he’ll find something in those manuscripts. Something other than AIDS or the ‘scale. You could smell the stank comin’ off ’em through the screen.

-On to Winterfell, where Sansa realizes that they don’t have enough food for the winter. Littlefinger then goes on this little rant about fighting everyone and everything, not just Cersei. Jon gotta get back there or Winterfell will be ashes in Littlefinger’s pocket by the time he is done. However, they’re interrupted by someone telling Sansa that Bran is there. Bran is stone-faced as Sansa cries, and they head out to the Godswood Tree (I had no idea it had a name, I always called it the Face Tree). Anyway, Bran is all, “I’m The Three-Eyed Raven” and Sansa is all, I’ve no clue what the hell that means, and she wants him to explain it, but rightfully, Bran says it’s complicated and he doesn’t have time to be a Lord of anything. Then he says that he’s sorry about what happened to her, which is what happened on her wedding night with Ramsay, and Sansa is like, the fuck did you know about that, and runs off. Bran is a very strange little boy/young man/I’ve no idea how old he is anymore. Somewhere between 14 and 72. I can’t wait for him to drop the Jon/Dany bomb, that shit’s about to be SO GOOD.

-At King’s Landing, Euron leads Yara, Ellaria and Tyene through the streets, where they get the treament Cersei did on her Walk of Atonement. He takes his gift to Cersei, who in return makes him the Commander of the navy, while Jaime is the Commander of the army. Euron gets a couple bars off about needing tips from Jaime about how to have sex with Cersei, and Jaime says he should get his head out on a spike, but Euron says they’ll deal with each other later, which will be fun.

-Cersei is in a cell with Qyburn, FrankenMountain, Ellaria and Tyene, and Cersei goes on about Oberyn’s death, which she rightfully says would have been a win for him if he wasn’t tryna prematurely party. Then she goes on about Ellaria murdering Myrcella, and tries to figure out how she’s going to kill them. She could have FrankenMountain crush their skulls, but that would be too quick and easy. So instead, she kisses Tyene with the same poison that Ellaria killed Myrcella with, and she has to watch her daughter turn to bone and dust. She also says that they’ll force food down her throat so she doesn’t try to starve herself to death. That’s pretty awful…..but I was waiting for torture because Game Of Thrones has conditioned me to be an awful person. But hey, life goes on. Either way, it’s still pretty bad.

-Cersei and Jaime have the sex, because that’s what they do, dirtyin’ sheets and shit. Then Cersei meets up with Tycho, someone from the Iron Bank. Long story short, Cersei gets the Iron Bank (to whom the Lannisters already owe a grip to) to back her over Dany, who has killed the slave trade, which is one of their biggest revenue streams. Very Tywin-esque of Cersei and Tycho says as much. Cersei is becoming a little too smart. She’s gon’ die soon.

-OH, almost forgot about Varys and Melisandre, who tells Varys that she and Jon didn’t exactly leave on good terms. Varys says that he doesn’t think that she should come back to Westeros, but Melisandre says she’ll be back, she has to die there, as does Varys. Ominous and all, but a lot happened in this episode and I don’t have time to unpack all that.

-Quickly, back to Dragonstone, where Tyrion is plotting out how they’re gon’ take Casterly Rock. The place will be well-guarded, but the best way to go through is via the sewers, where Tyrion had to sneak in prostitutes past his father. And the plan works as the Unsullied go in and wreck shop, led by Grey Worm……but he’s like, where are the rest of the Lannisters? There should be many more…..

-…..Jaime wound up taking the squad to Highgarden, where they rolled over the Tyrells easily enough. Meanwhile, Euron and his people were firing all sorts of arrows and fire at the Targaryen ships that brought Grey Worm and ’em. Sucks about Grey Worm. Life got too good for my man with Missandei. He gotta die now.

-Jaime walks in on Lady O, who knows the end is coming. He learned from his loss to Robb Stark at the Whispering Wood, and that Casterly Rock doesn’t really mean that much anymore, outside of childhood memories. Lady O does get a couple bars off tho, managing to call Joffrey a cunt and a coward all at once, and she tells Jaime that Cersei is a monster, but she also realizes that he actually does love her, incest and all. She says that Cersei will be the end of him, and Jaime is like, fuck all this, I got this poison for you to drink so Cersei doesn’t torture you. She drinks it, but before he leaves, Lady O tells Jaime that it was her that killed Joffrey, that she had never seen the poison work before, and that it wasn’t Tyrion’s fault at all. She hit him with the, “and I want Cersei to know that it was me”…….OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH. I stood and clapped up in that mufucka. The Queen of Thorns stays with those quips. I’ma miss Lady O. Pound-for-pound, one of the best characters in the show.

Well, here we are. The next episode will be the halfway point, and Dany now needs to make a move because she’s getting worked. I think she realizes that, she’s been listening to everyone else and now, she’s doing what she want because motherfucker, she has dragons. We’ll probably check in on Arya, who should be close to Winterfell now, but she could also run into The Hound. Bran will probably say something creepy again. Cersei will be drinking wine and being nefarious. And Grey Worm gotta get his people outta Casterly Rock. I read somewhere that Game Of Thrones officially hit the gas with this episode. They were right. Let’s do this.

Game Of Thrones S07E2 – Stormborn

Game Of Thrones rolls on with “Stormborn”, which doesn’t waste any time getting right into the story. They don’t have much time left, and there are no wasted scenes like Dany’s three-day walk up to her long-ass Dragonstone driveway. Let’s go…..

-Dany is in the war room with Tyrion and Varys, and they’re talking about how she was born, hence the title of the episode. Tyrion is tryna talk her out of burning the shit outta Cersei, which would be entertaining and all, but not the smartest of moves, which is why he is the Hand. Dany is like, fine, whatever, so, Varys, what’s good with that assassins you sent for me? But to his credit, Varys doesn’t back down from the Dragon Queen and says that he switched sides with everyone else because they were incompetent, and that he is penis-less and straight out the ‘hood, G. He’s for the people and that she’s the last real one alive, but if she just wants blind loyalty from her, she might as well kill him. Dany’s like, okay, you get a shot and you gotta be real with me, because if you don’t, BBQ bird will be on the menu (no penis intended). Varys says that he would expect nothing less. So, I hope we all know and realize that Dany is crazy, yeah? There is this whole thing surrounding Dany that she is the savior of the show and one of the protagonists along with Jon, and sure, she might be. But I hope we all know and realize that if you sideeye her, she’ll set your family and soul on the reddest of fires.

-Speaking of fires, Melisandre the Catfish shows up to tell Dany that she might be The Prince That Was Promised, which comes from the Lord of Light. At this point, I’m not sure I’d trust Melisandre because she stays being wrong about shit. First, it was Stannis, who I STILL think is alive somehow. Then it was Jon, who she brought back to life, I guess, and now it might be Dany. Melisandre tells Dany that she should talk to Jon because he’s the King in the North now and has the Wildlings as well, and Tyrion is like, cool, Jon and I hung out at the Wall, he’s good people. Dany is like, sure, I’ll holla at him, but he better come in knee bent….or again, surely, fire and tyranny. Which I wouldn’t really be mad at. Dany is on her kiss-the-ring shit and this shit should have been done two seasons ago.

-Next, the war plan is set with Yara and Ellaria wanting to go in on King’s Landing, and Tyrion goes at Ellaria for poisoning Ellaria, while she’s like, bitch, my man died for your punk ass, sit down somewhere. Dany shuts shit down and tells Ellaria to respect her Hand, and we ain’t gotta deal with this now. Lady O steps in to ask Dany sarcastically if she’s gon’ take the throne politely, and that Cersei got it by blowing everyone up, including Margaery. Tyrion then comes up with a plan, which means the Tyrell army and the Dornish army going into King’s Landing because the Unsullied and Dothraki would bring together all the armies of Westeros, because racism (and he’s right). So, while they’re doing that, the Unsullied and ’em would take over Casterly Rock, which means Cersei would have nowhere to retreat to after King’s Landing was invaded. Yara would take Ellaria back to Dorne to get her people, and then head to King’s Landing. Sure, seems like a good plan. The Casterly Rock bit was especially good because I think that might be the last true place that fucks with the Lannisters, and not just because Cersei is crazy.

-Then there is a dope scene with Dany and Lady O, who basically tells her to stop listening to people and that all this peace shit gotta stop. Be a dragon and burn mufuckas. You don’t have time for all this Kumbaya shit, and that’s the only way that this will work. Again, not wrong. She wasn’t down with sacrificing her army at first, but Lady O knows what’s good.

-Grey Worm tells Missandei that she is his weakness, she gets naked, so does he, and we still don’t know what he has. Did they take the whole package or leave something? Anyway, what he does do is, in the words of the great southwestern Unsullied warriors, he shows her what dat mouf do. Good for him.

-Cersei tries to rally the troops because Dany is coming with the brown people that will rape and pillage their women…..does that sound a little familiar to, well, everyone living in this real world right now? Randyll Tarly, Sam’s pops, asks her what she’s gon’ do about these dragons, tho, and Cersei is all, we’re working on something. Randyll and Jaime talk, and Jaime even tries to give him a promotion to general if House Tarly works with them, but Randyll is still loyal to Lady O. Jaime is like, man, I know my sister is fucking crazy, but compared to Dany, this is the move, and Randyll might have bought it, or at least put on that he did.

-Meanwhile, Qyburn takes Cersei underneath the Red Keep and tells her that dragons can be hurt by spears, so he has come up with a super-crossbow that will fuck Drogon’s whole life up. She then tests it out on Balerion, which was the dragon of Aegon Targaryen, the first Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and the starter of all this Targaryen shit, basically. That shit smashes through the skull so smoothly. Cersei is like, I need my wine so I can get this conniving smirk on.

-Jon gets a letter from Tyrion about Dany, but he and Sansa don’t think he should go now; Davos does, tho. Then he gets a letter from Sam about Dany sitting on ALL of the dragonglass, and that changes his mind about going there. A whole buncha people think it’s a terrible idea, but Jon is like, guess what the White Walkers are….ice, and what hurts ice……DRAGONS, B. Anyway, he’s going because he’s the King and fuck what y’all are on, and Sansa is in charge, so don’t try and pull any substitute-teacher shit.

-Littlefinger meets up with Jon and tells him that Tyrion can be trusted, and that he loved Catelyn and Jon is like, if you don’t get the fuck on. Then he tells Jon that he loves Sansa and Jon grabs him up by the throat, which Littlefinger might have liked because I bet he’s into all that shit. Gettin’ high heels in the small of his back and shit. Anyway, Jon and ’em roll out and he waves to Sansa, meanwhile, if Littlefinger had a moustache, he woulda twirled that shit.

-Arya meets up with the homie Hot Pie, who I had to Google because we ain’t seen him since Season 3. He makes good pies now, and he doesn’t even make Arya pay for it. He also tells her that Cersei blew everyone up in King’s Landing, and that Jon is the King of the North now, so she should probably go there. She does, but then she is surrounded by a pack of wolves, led by Nymeria, who is now big as all shit. She recognizes Arya, which is good for her because Nymeria would have fucked her up. But Nymeria doesn’t wanna go to Winterfell with her and lets her go, to which Arya remarks, “that’s not you”. We’ll see Nymeria again. I promise you that. Basically right when Arya is about to meet her end, I bet.

-Sam and the Archmaester check out Jorah’s greyscale, so it’s good that they didn’t waste any time telling us what 95% of us probably knew. The Archmaester says that he can’t be saved, but he’ll give Jorah one more day because he is, or at least was, a knight. Sam instead says that two cases of greyscale have been treated, but here is the thing: this shit is gon’ HURT. Like, death really might have been better than watching Sam tear the skin right off of Lord Friendzone, and then he puts a little ointment on it. Now, does he have to tear off all of the greyscale, or just a little? Because if it’s all of it, man, fuck all that, just kill me, dogg. I’d never make it. But Jorah gotta stay alive for the woman that he’ll never get, so I guess it’s worth it? Anyway, once he’s done torturing him and he’s better, Sam will tell Jorah that Dany is at Dragonstone with Jon, and they’ll become the next Arya/Hound and Brienne/Pod duo.

-The final scene is the battle, and we all saw that: there was a buncha fighting and shit. Also, Yara and Ellaria start making out, which was kinda unnecessary, I guess, although it did make Theon uncomfortable, and I’m all for him not feeling good in any way, shape or form. Anyway, Euron and his people show up and start kicking all sorts of ass. Two of Ellaria’s daughters are killed by Euron, while the third, along with Ellaria, are taken hostage. That’s cool, because the Sand Snakes were kinda wack. I’m sure they were better in the book because as book readers will tell you, everything is better in the book because books have words on paper and shit. Yara and Euron have a go and Euron wins, and Theon is about to step in. Euron wants him to try and save his sister, and Theon thinks about it for a minute, and then…..well, this tweet says it better than anything I could write.

-Seriously, if you still feel bad for Theon, you’re a sucker. I hope everything in life that is bad happens to him. Like, all that shit that Ramsay did to him? I want that to be a playground compared to what eventually happens to him. Dogg, this was your one chance to redeem yourself. They better not give him any more chances. That was it. Next time we see Theon, he better be on a stick. Ol’ ball-less face ass. I hate that dude.

I think that was everything, I think we’ve seen everyone that needs to be seen now. I think next week is the Battle of Casterly Rock, there was a snippet where some mufuckas were invading something, so I’m guessing it was that. Really, all we need to see now is fighting and scheming. No sexy times, we don’t have time for that and you can see nudity literally any time you want on the internet, and in really gross fashion if you’re into that sort of thing. But let’s see if Cersei can pivot if she loses Casterly Rock, or at least can Jaime can persuade her to not be petty for like, 10 minutes (spoiler: he can’t). Oh, Jon meets Dany next week. She needs to greet him with a “what up, nephew” (I know she doesn’t know yet, either). Oh, and check in with the mufuckas on The Wall. Next week is four minutes long than the first two episodes, so we should be able to squeeze in some extra shit.

Game Of Thrones S06E10 – The Winds Of Winter

Well, after six damn seasons of Game Of Thrones, winter is finally here. But there was a fair amount of heat in the Season 6 finale, “The Winds Of Winter”, unequivocally one of the best episodes in the entire series and the name of the upcoming sixth book. Let’s go………

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-Um, let’s start with Sam and Gilly because this shit will be quick. They show up at Oldtown and walk up to the the maester’s version of the front desk, and much like any front desk you’ve ever been to, the receptionist is not here for any of Sam’s shit. He made Sam’s big ass stretch across that desk to give him the letter from Jon, saying he is supposed to be the new maester, and Mr. Receptionist was like, new Lord Commander? No Maester Aegon? WE DON’T BELIEVE YOU, YOU NEED MORE PEOPLE. But eventually, he lets Sam into the library, but not Gilly and Little Sam because Sam knew women and children weren’t allowed there. Anyway, Sam has to read like, three million books and he’s pretty psyched about it. Good for him. The fuck you gon’ do with Gilly and Little Sam?

-Let’s move up to the Twins, where Walder Frey is being full of himself as usual, partyin’ off their win over the Blackfish and the Tullys, while Bronn is gettin’ pissy with Jaime because all the women want him. Jaime, being the best wingman ever, calls over two women and Bronn is like, fuck it, I’ll take them, but first, he hit Jaime with the “not blond enough for you?” as both women had dark hair. It was obviously a shot at Jaime about Cersei, and really, Bronn is the only one who can get away with that shit. He has done it before, but what can Jaime say? Bronn has done a lot of shit for Jaime over these last six seasons. Then Jaime moves on Walder Frey, and basically says to him that the Lannisters don’t really need him if they have to ride up and save him every time he loses the Riverlands. He’s not wrong. Walder couldn’t have pulled off the Red Wedding without the Lannisters, and now this. That should have been the first sign for Walder to watch his back, ol’ pedo-ass bastard. But then, he’s chillin’ and in walks a girl that we saw in the previous scene, getting Jaime’s attention. Walder slaps her ass and says she’s too pretty to be one of his, and he asks for his sons. She was like, oh, your sons are right there, on ya mufuckin’ plate and that they were hard to carve up…..and bruh, she pulled off that mask…….ARYA. She says her full name again, completely throwing that “No One” shit in the bushes, and proceeds to slit his throat….and smiles at him. Does this make up for all the other shit that hasn’t happened for Arya this season? Not completely, but it damn sure helps. And this means that Arya is at Riverrun, so how did she get…..actually, you know what? Never mind. She’s there and that’s all that matters. Winterfell next? Maybe King’s Landing? She got that kill list to work on.

-Benjen drops Meera and Bran close to the Wall, right beside a weirwood tree, but Benjen can’t go past the Wall, which has magic or some shit that prevents him from going past it because technically, he’s dead. Sooooooooo…….does this mean the White Walkers and ’em can’t go past the Wall, either? How does that work? Anyway, we’ll figure that shit out later. Bran looks at the tree and was like, I ain’t warged in a minute and Meera is like, you better wake the fuck up when I grab you this time. He goes into his flashback, and it’s at the Tower of Joy, where we hear the screams of Lyanna Stark, and Ned goes on to see what’s up with his sister. She is lying in a pool of blood and whispers to Ned that well, she just had a baby and her father would kill her if she knew who the father was, and we can all safely assume that the father is Rhaegar Targaryen and book readers smugly stroked their chin upon this being revealed. To be fair to them, though, this is one of the theories that I’ve run across that wasn’t stupid, and it NEVER sat well with me that Ned had a bastard child when all we heard about was how honorable he was. Like, that was Ned’s THING, right until the end. But he came up with that story because Jon Snow would have been killed if anyone knew his father was Rhaegar was his father. So yes, Jon is part-Targaryen. He’d better learn to ride a dragon (remember, Rhaegar was Dany’s brother and fun fact, he was supposed to marry Cersei, but his father, the Mad King, said Cersei wasn’t good enough for him and that obviously pissed Tywin off. I could probably write another thousand words on how many people the Targaryens pissed off, and how not good that is for Dany……maybe later). That shit will come in handy.

-Speaking of Jon, he’s chillin’ with Melisandre when Davos bursts in the room and throws some shit at Melisandre, which turns out to be Shireen’s little wooden elk, which is some bullshit in the first place, but whatever. He forces her to tell Jon about the burning of Shireen at the stake, but Melisandre puts up a fight, saying that it was the Lord of Light, but also her parents as Stannis and whatever her mother’s name was were in on it, too. Davos is like, where did that get any of them, and Melisandre is like, shit….you’re not wrong. Jon asks is she has anything to say for herself and Melisandre counters with the fact that, well, she brought him back to life, and the great war is on the way and she’ll be useful to him, which is probably right. But Jon was raised by Ned and he does the honorable thing, which is to tell Melisandre to ride south and never come to the North again, or he’ll have her hanged as a murderer, while Davos is like, fuck all that, I’ll kill you my damn self. And I mean, I get it, killing Shireen was kinda fucked up. But she DID bring Jon Snow back and she probably will be able to help in the great war. She’s not done, we’ll see her again. For their sake, they better hope they see her again. But goddamn, Davos was mad as shit, come like they found a text on their significant other’s phone. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT……I don’t think we’ve ever heard him that mad. And now that I think about it….does he need to go to the Iron Bank and pay that debt for Stannis? That literally just popped into my head.

Jon meets with Sansa, who says that he should sleep in their parents’ old room, but Jon wants her to have it. She admits that not telling him about Littlefinger was the wrong thing to do, which is correct, because people were furious about that last week. Jon asks if she trusts Littlefinger, which she says she doesn’t and I think she knows better than that, but she needed him. Jon tells her they have to be honest with each other if they’re gon’ run Winterfell, but they’ll have this problem again. Oh, and they find out that winter is here through a white raven, and it’s just like their father told them as it’s the motto of House Stark and he it’s the name of the first episode of the series. It’s about damn time. Then Sansa meets with Littlefinger, who finally shoots his shot with her. He tried to kiss her and Sansa was like, nah, thanks for the army, tho. That’s some cold shit. He won’t take that lying down.

Later on, all the lords of the North have gathered and mufuckas are mad that the wildlings are there, but Tormund said they were invited. AND, did you not just see us out there fighting for your punk asses? We lost the last giant (#RIPWUNWUN) out here for y’all, which is all a true story. Jon then tells everyone that the great war is yet to be fought, and then there are some that still think Jon shouldn’t be in charge because he’s a bastard. But Lyanna Mormont steps up to the plate and all but started her speech with, “man, y’all some bitches”. She names all the houses that stopped fuckin’ with the Starks after the Red Wedding, and people that wouldn’t fight the Boltons with him. Where has this little girl been this entire series? I feel cheated that we’re just now gettin’ these Lyanna bars. And y’all are some bitches because you’re getting run by a 10-year-old that has just 62 fightin’ mufuckas….well, um, probably not 62 after last week. I wonder how many of them survived? I’d guess not many. Anyway, they all declare Jon the King Of the North and everyone is chanting, but Sansa looks in the back and Littlefinger is NOT happy because he thinks that’s his spot. So keep an eye on that because if there is one thing we know, it is that Littlefinger won’t stop until he gets what he wants. And he has an army that is probably bigger than Jon’s. But it’s nice to see the Starks taking a W or two after six entire seasons of Ls.

-Aight, NOW, on to the good stuff. The episode starts with everyone getting ready for the trials of Cersei and Loras. It is a very slow and deliberate beginning, and and very detailed, starting with the little kid who whispers something Pycelle as he is getting ready to go, and after he doesn’t pay a prostitute, and you can never trust someone who does that. Loras is brought out of his cell and I assume he’s not making it out of this episode, but instead of a trial, Loras confessed to everything, like, a whole buncha shit. I was waiting for buggery, but no buggery, I think he just used a different name for it. Anyway, he says that he’s done with his Tyrell name, he’ll never have kids, yada yada yada, but that’s not enough as the Sparrows carve that star into his head and Margaery is PISSED. The High Sparrow ain’t pressed tho, and he’s like, these things happen. He also said that Loras wouldn’t be released until Cersei’s trial, but she won’t leave the Red Keep, so he sends Lancel to get her. Of course, Cersei is chillin’ with her wine, mentally tellin’ mufuckas what they ain’t gon’ do today, and when Tommen goes to head to the trial, he’s greeted by FrankenMountain, and that’s when you knew it was about to be ON. Then you have Pycelle, who follows that kid under the Sept into a room with Qyburn, who says that he has no ill will towards Pycelle….but apparently this gang of little kids do. They stabbed the shit outta Pycelle, b. That has to be a record for most times one person has been stabbed in this show.

Margaery knows something is going on with Cersei and Tommen not being there, and says there is some sort of trap, but the High Sparrow is arrogant and was like, meh, it’ll be fine. So Margaery is like, fuck this, and tries to leave, but the Sparrows hold her back. Meanwhile, no one is looking for Lancel, who has followed another kid under the Red Keep, and then the kid stabs him in the spine. He gets to crawling, and it seemed like that dude was on the ground for hours, and he’s crawling, and he’s crawling…and then he discovers the wildfire that they’ve mentioned like, three times in the most recent episodes (I called it firewater in my notes, I was close). He sees a candle and does everything he can to get there to put it out, but he doesn’t get there in time and BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM……down goes the Sept, the High Sparrow, Margaery and Loras, the Faith Militant, EVERYONE. We have two points of view here: one is Cersei, who is smirking with what might be her third glass of wine, and then there is Tommen…..who stares out of the window in disbelief, takes his crown off, we hear him sit it down, and then back to the window and doesn’t even hesitate, just walks the fuck out. So there is the prophecy; it was foretold that Cersei’s kids would all die. I don’t know if her having anything to do with it was in there, but they’re gone.

AND THEN, Cersei walks in a room where the big-ass nun is strapped to a table, and she is telling the nun to confess, and pouring wine all over her face. You KNOW Cersei hates you if she’s wasting wine on you. Cersei then confesses to killing her husband and fucking her brother and doing all sorts of shit on the strength of feeling good, and the nun is like fuck it, I’m ready to die, I’m good. But no, no, no, Cersei ain’t ready for that yet….she brings in FrankenMountain, who takes off his mask, and we don’t know what he is doing to her as Cersei leaves, but we hear the blood-curdling screams and it surely can’t be good for ol’ nun, and Cersei walks off repeating “Shame, Shame”, because she’s Queen Petty.

However, a damper is put on the party when Qyburn tells Cersei that Tommen is dead, and she’s like, welp, burn him and put him with his grandfather, brother and sister, and it’s there that hits Cersei, her whole damn family is dead….all she has left is Jaime. No mention of Robert, tho, which isn’t surprising. But Jaime’s reaction is the best as he and Bronn return from Riverrun with King’s Landing burning, and he’s like, fuck, what did she do now. He walks in just in time to see Cersei being crowned Queen of the Seven Kingdoms by Qyburn, and yo…….CERSEI IS ON THE FUCKIN’ THRONE. The season is a success for me because I just wanted Cersei to get revenge and then die, but to put her on the throne? Something that she tried to run with Robert, then killed him, then her sons, and that didn’t work out. But she should be careful because the Iron Throne isn’t really the place to be if you want to live. And besides, Cersei’s plans ALWAYS backfire, so it’s only a matter of time before that shit comes crashing down. However. The Revenge of Cersei is complete and the High Sparrow is dead, so I’m good.

-Quickly, we stopped in Dorne where Ellaria had called Lady O for a meeting, and Lady O is not in the mood for anything. She needs some backup as she blames Cersei for the deaths of Margaery and Loras, and rightly so, oh, and her son, their father, also died at the Sept. Ellaria is all about some Lannister vengeance, but not before Lady O cusses out all three of the Sand Snakes for no reason other than they exist. I love that lady. No one makes some feel small better than Lady O, them bars cut like a knife. But then Varys is revealed, and I’ll tell you what I think that is all about in the next section. So that’s where he was going, but wouldn’t tell Tyrion.

-Finally, we end in Meereen, where Dany breaks up with Daario, which kinda came outta nowhere, but I was okay with it. He is to stay there with the Second Sons and make sure Meereen is smooth, and he’s on some “please baby baby please” shit, but Dany is like, nah, I got shit to do. She tried him as a piece, and it was lowkey hilarious to see the shoe on the other foot, far different from what we’re used to seeing in, well, 90% of television shows outchea. And he’s mad at Tyrion, who is sitting outside and waiting for Dany to see how Daario took the news (meh, he was fine, probably went to a brothel).

Tyrion tries to console her, but Dany is more worried that she doesn’t feel anything about it. The two sit down and talk about what they believe in, and Tyrion didn’t believe in anything, but he believes in her and I’m not going through the shit word for word, but I wouldn’t be surprised if both Emilia Clarke and Peter Dinklage used this as their Emmy scene (even though neither of them should win). Just the way it was shot, with them in the frame and the window behind them….this is the shit we’ve been building towards and what I’ve been waiting for since Tyrion got to Meereen. He even said it: she has ships, an army, some big-ass dragons….only one thing left to do. As I mentioned before, the Targaryens aren’t liked in King’s Landing, but who cares….she has all of the aforementioned things. Anyway, Dany makes Tyrion the Hand of the Queen and he kneels, but hey, he has been the Hand before. We close with Yara and Theon and the Iron Fleet (and I assume Euron is building, what, ship #17 of 1,000 at this point), and then Dany, Missandei, Tyrion and Varys on another ship, with Drogon up above. Dany is FINALLY going to Westeros, and she better not make any damn stops along the way. And yeah, Varys…..he got back in time (don’t worry about how long it took for all this, Dorne is kinda close to Meereen and that shit doesn’t mean anything in this show). So he’s aligning Dany and ’em with Dorne and Highgarden against the Lannisters? Tyrion won’t mind, although he’ll do his best to save Jaime, which isn’t likely considering that, you know, he kinda killed Dany’s father. And yo, whatever happen to Melisandre #2, that knew all about Varys’ past and had him shook?

And that was that. The end to Season 6, which might be just after Season 4 for my favorite season, and this was one of the best episodes of the series, hands down. I’m fine with there being fewer episodes in the season (there are seven slated for next season) if they’re going to be longer, and if they’re all this good. I’m not even gon’ speculate on what will happen next season, I’ma let this season marinate and we’ll deal with all that shit over the next ten months, which seems like a long time, but we’ll get through it.

Season 6 MVP: Lena Headey as Cersei. Honorable mention for Sophie Turner as Sansa. I wanted it to be Maisie Williams as Arya, but that storyline dragged for a while.

Thanks for reading and making this the most fun I’ve had since starting this blog, and I haven’t figured out what’s next yet. But whatever it is, it won’t be as fun as Game Of Thrones, the king of television right now.