Tag Archives: Sarah Paulson

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E02 – Chutes And Ladders

After reminding you what life they’re about in the Season 5 premiere for American Horror Story, Hotel doesn’t take its foot off the gas with “Chutes And Ladders”, with an emphasis on “chutes” and the introduction of some old favorites. Well, one old favorite and one that might actually be good this season. Maybe. Let’s go…….

American-Horror-Story-Hotel-Chutes-and-Ladders

-We open with Sally smoking and sewing the hotel’s latest victim, Gabriel, into a mattress. I knew I recognized him from somewhere, but Gabriel is played by Max Greenfield, who plays Schmidt on New Girl, which I’m a big fan of and that’s quite the change in scenery and mood for an actor. He wakes up and tries to guilt her about lying, while she responds that he shouldn’t have tried to cheat death. There has to be more to Sally’s story and I’m ready for it. But then she hears someone yelling for help…..

-It’s Agnetha, who is getting buffeted by two of the children feeding on her wrists and when Sally goes to complain, Iris is like, it’s fine, she’ll stop eventually. She does, but then the kids say she tastes gross and Iris is like, welp, she’s dead now. So Liz, the housekeeper (Miss Evers) and Iris start the elimination process, I’ll call it, which is Miss Evers tryna clean the sheets and then dumping the body into a laundry chute, where she joins her dead friend and the thing that popped out of their mattress. Miss Evers, her story is gon’ be something else, as well. So pressed to clean the damn sheets.

-The kids are chillin’, watching TV like normal vampire children, and they’re getting blood taken, which Iris uses to fill a decanter to give to Elizabeth, and she asks about Donovan, to which Elizabeth slams the door in her face. Of course she feeds on the blood of children. Shit looks like red Kool-Aid. Anyway, she wants to go out to an art show and hunt for new blood, while he wants to stay in and watch House Of Cards. Does he not know that the third season is terrible? I might actually prefer to drink blood than watch that shit again. And shoutout to that red dress Elizabeth is wearing. That has “I’ll suck your blood written all over it”.

-Side note: I just realized I never finished recapping House Of Cards and I never will because that shit was TURRIBLE, KENNY)

-Alex, John’s wife, is at work, taking blood from a child and she tells his mother that he has the measles because she didn’t have him vaccinated. Nice way to slip that in there, I guess. It’s important, but I’m not here for American Horror Story to teach me about some shit. Leave that shit for the interviews.

-John wakes up in Room 64 at Hotel Cortez, of course at 2:25 in what looks to be the morning, and Miss Evers walks in his room talkin’ about some turndown service. If you don’t get the entire fuck outta my room at this time of night, ma’am. If you’re comin’ in here that late, you better be ready to get it. Then a couple of weird things happen very quickly. He closes his eyes and sees what Wikia calls the Addiction Demon, which is what we call Rapey McDrillbit, so that wakes him up. Then he goes to the bathroom to wash his face, but he hears something in the shower and it looks to be two dead people having sex and they invite him in for a threesome before he wakes up again. How in the hell are you going back to sleep? WHY ARE YOU STILL IN THE HOTEL? Then of course, he sees Holden again and chases him, but to no avail, but Sally, Liz and a bar just kinda pops up out of nowhere. When this dude gets raped, I won’t be upset. You brought in on yourself, bruh.

-Over a ginger ale while Sally drinks Johnnie Walker straight from the bottle, we learn that John used to be an alcoholic. On the day of his last drink, he was investigating a case where a man was mistakenly accused of killing his wife and children, but he was actually trying to keep them warm and poisoned them with carbon monoxide by accident, so he killed himself. Then he went on vacation because of stress, and that’s when he lost Holden; now he stays sober because he doesn’t want to get lost again. This dude is so tortured….but I don’t buy it yet. Certainly not enough to believe he’s just gon’ chill in this hotel. But it’s American Horror Story and I’ll get over it by next week.

-John’s partner (Malik Yoba, I don’t know if he has a name) tells him that the Bel Air couple, those of the super-glued genitals, had texts go to their phone that made it seem like they were from each other, much like the text from Alex’s phone that sent John and Scarlett to that house. But John already knew this; the killer told him that, I think. Then he gets a package from what he thinks is a bomb, but it turns out to be an Oscar, which you should remember from last week, but you’ll be reminded of where it was from later on.

-Will Drake, your man tryna buy the hotel, is apparently setting up for a fashion show where we see Liz doing the “Vogue” and throwing all sorts of shade at Claudia Bankson, who is played by Naomi Campbell, who like Malik Yoba, was on Empire. This joint is starting to be like The Walking Dead and The Wire. She says she is spending the week at the hotel, so now the countdown is on to her death, and she sees John and gives him those eyes, while he is tryna find Scarlett, who is with a cop. He is tryna take her to his room, but Will and Claudia won’t let him go and pair her off with Lachlan, Will’s son who saw Rapey McDrillbit. While this is going on, Sally is being denied entrance to the show because, I mean, LOOK AT HER, and she makes a scene. But before she leaves, she gives Scarlett a creepy look and John better keep her away from his daughter. Scarlett will have a needle in her arm by age ten. Shoot, she might anyway, but I digress.

-The fashion show is starting and Elizabeth makes a grand entrance with Donovan, and the models start to come out while Donovan inquires about John and Elizabeth kinda fawns over him. Claudia says to John that “they need some excitement and they just might get”, and just then, we get introduced to Tristan, who is played by Finn Wittrock, crushing up some sort of pill of snort. Those were some big-ass pills, b. Anyway, we all know Finn Dogg, who stole the show as Dandy in Freak Show, and he is a fucking MESS. On his little walk, he drinks someone else’s champagne and throws that shit on the ground, sneers at a buncha mufuckas, kisses someone’s woman and then slaps her dude in the face and gets pushed to the ground. He goes to pick up some glass to stab dude with, but he looks at Elizabeth in the eyes and she can smell his rage, while Donovan is like, are you fuckin’ serious? In the back, Will tries to chastise Tristan for his actions, but Tristan cuts his own face to signify the end of his modelling career. So yeah, Finn Dogg back!

-Lachlan is taking Scarlett to where the children are sleeping in their caskets, and she recognizes Holden, who opens his eyes. This might be the most intriguing storyline of Hotel right now. After the commercial break, Scarlett is watching a home video on a laptop to confirm that was her brother.

-Meanwhile, Tristan is raging around the hotel, tryna find some coke, which he can smell in Elizabeth’s room and well, he has a point. Like I said in the Fear The Walking Dead recaps, junkies be knowin’, bruh. Donovan interrupts him and when Tristan starts being an asshole, he almost gets his shit eaten, but Elizabeth stops him. Tristan peaces out, but doesn’t seem to be bothered and gets in the elevator, which takes him to a dark floor where he keeps hearing random shit. He eats someone’s sandwich and realizes there are maggots in the shit and backs into someone’s room, where of course, he starts looking for stuff, coke, pills, anything.

-Here, he meets James March, who is played by Evan Peters, who is the only person besides Sarah Paulson and Lily Rabe (yep, she’ll be in Hotel at some point) to be in all five AHS series. However, I’d wager to say that he was only good in Murder House and he might good in this joint as well. He is a proper old-school wealthy dude who has a hankering for killing people as Miss Evers brings in a tied-up prostitute, and March tries to goad Tristan into shooting her, which he can’t. But March can and does, and when he takes off his scarf, you notice that he has been cut across the throat. Miss Evers complains about the stain. She ain’t never gon’ keep this hotel clean. Anyway, Tristan runs out, but gets caught by Elizabeth in the elevator and you can only imagine what happens next.

-Scarlett is on a city bus, apparently, looking at a picture of she and Holden, and she has gone back to the hotel to find him, but his casket is empty; the other three as well. She finds him eventually and he asks what took her so long, and he says he remembers her after she asks him. She shows pictures of the family and wonders why he hasn’t aged like she has, and she wants to take him home, but he is already home, he says, and yeah, this little mufucka is dead, yo. She tries to take a selfie with him, and Holden gets hungry, so she jumps away and he’s lookin’ at her like, what’d I do? This is how we get down. She leaves to find Sally in the hallway, whose mouth is bloody and her teeth fall out. This entire sequence, but especially the scene with Holden and Scarlett, was by far my favorite of the episode.

-Scarlett goes back home as John has the police looking for her, but she evaded them once again and she isn’t having good luck at being protected by them at all. She tells John and Alex about Holden being at the hotel and John freaks out, and she tries to show them the picture, but Holden is a blur because he’s a damn vampire. But you can surely make out that it is something.

-Speaking of vampires, Tristan is getting the vampire rules from Elizabeth, while poppin’ that thang from the back as the old Roman poets used to say, and here they are: they can’t age, don’t drink diseased blood, don’t get caught and don’t fall in love. We learn that she was born in 1904 and that she loved the 70s, where I assume she picked up the coke habit, but can we just revel in the fact that she rode into the club on a mufuckin’ horse? That might be the illest entrance you could make. Mufuckas holdin’ her Rapunzel-ass hair, too. I ain’t even mad at the fact that she was eatin’ a mufucka like, two seconds later. Hatin’-ass Donovan comes in to express his disappointment, but barely gets it out before Elizabeth tells him to pack his shit and go because there is a new sheriff in town. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooh! He was tryna make her feel guilty, too. That shit ain’t work at all.

-John rolls up on Iris angrily and slaps handcuffs on her as an accessory to murder, and he’s mad because she “let” Scarlett roam around the hotel, but yo, why don’t you watch your child and not let her on city buses? Don’t blame Iris for you being a fuckass parent, dogg. Anyway, Iris is fed up with the whole thing and is like, I’ll tell you everything. She tells him the story of James March, who was one of the new rich, but needed somewhere to do his dirt, so he built this hotel. She says he was killing people at a rate of three a week at times, and that there is no escape from the place, which should make sense to John as he basically ran in circles tryna find Holden. Miss Evers was his faithful servant, right up until the time they met their death as the cops found bodies with his monogrammed handkerchief beside it. Miss Evers was about to kill herself, but she would be honored if she were March’s last kill, so he shot her and slit his own throat, which explains the wound on his neck. Of course, John doesn’t believe her, but then Iris tells him that his office was Room 64, which explains so much about the fuckery that goes on in this place. But he has to be skeptical at first to push the plot along and really, I believe that he doesn’t believe her, after everything that has happened to him, because he’s fucking stupid.

-Malik Yoba tells John that the blood on the Oscar belongs to the man in the pictures in the premiere, who got, ummmmm, well, as we discussed as we watched it, homeboy got “butt-effed by an Oscar”. We laughed for a good few minutes over that. Like, probably longer than we should have. I’m laughing about it right now. Anyway, John puts together that this new killer is murdering people based on the Ten Commandments, and March wasn’t a fan of religion, so this person is continuing March’s work. Malik Yoba clues in that John is staying in March’s old hotel. The cops on this show are buffoons, bruh.

-Tristan is on Grindr, which I didn’t know was a thing until this episode, and he lures a victim to the hotel, where they start making out and Elizabeth enters. The dude is like, I’m not really down for this, but it doesn’t matter because Tristan stabs him in the neck before he and Elizabeth have sex on the corpse. Good for them. Fuck him, his man bun, his beard and his suspenders. I bet he was wearing shoes with no socks, too. He deserved it.

I wasn’t quite sure what I thought of this episode, mainly because the Blue Jays game was on that day and I might have had a few drinks. But after watching it again, it was typically good stuff from AHS. The introductions of Tristan and March were extremely well done, if not bloodier than a mufucka, and that scene with Scarlett and Holden was chilling. I was like, nah, they won’t kill a child in this show, then I remembered that they killed a baby and framed Pepper for it on Freak Show, which sent her to Asylum, so that is now on the table. Donovan is mad, so he’s about to try something stupid, and Naomi Campbell gotta die as well (I also felt that way about her Empire character). Still waiting on Ms. Bassett, too. And of course, the next time we see Rapey McDrillbit, the shit won’t be a dream sequence. Just another episode in the life of American Horror Story.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E13 – Curtain Call

I’ve written ad nauseam about my disappointment with the finales of the American Horror Story series, so when it came time to watch “Curtain Call”, the finale for Freak Show, I expected the worst, but hoped for the best. That seemed to work, because in my opinion, we got, by far, the best AHS finale yet. Let’s go……….

-The freaks are preparing for the Dandy Show to kick off and while none of them are high on working with him, he has money and people gotta eat. But Dandy is pissed that no one is buying tickets to the show, and well, let’s just say he doesn’t take advice too well. Paul tries to tell him that this happens in the beginning, and gets called a stupid freak; Eve tries to say they’re only giving advice and gets called an ugly cow. Dandy says they’re boring and mediocre, and threatens to put horns on Penny, but Paul gets on his chivalry tip, which Dandy obviously isn’t having and pushes him. Eve says, enough of this, and punches him in the face before the freaks tell him that they’re quitting. Paul also spits in his pretentious face and they walk off. Nothing good is gon’ come outta this. Dandy doesn’t exactly take to being told “no”.

-Elsa is in Hollywood and she walks into the WBN offices, tryna get an appointment with the head of the network, but the secretary kinda shrugs her off and tells her to have a seat. She smokes cigarette after cigarette after cigarette before the secretary gets ready to leave for the day, so it’s obvious that Elsa has been given the run-around for the third day in a row. You gotta feel a little bad for Elsa, who feels foolish because her appointment apparently went out the back to avoid her, and she learns quickly that this is Hollywood, and mufuckas don’t care about your feelings. Then the secretary says that Marlene Dietrich did Elsa’s act better, to which Elsa was like, oh hell naw, and slaps fire out ol’ girl’s face. The security guard grabs her before a man comes out and breaks everything up, and Elsa is lying on the ground, crying and looking as pathetic as we’ve seen her all series. But we learn that the man that broke everything up is Michael Beck, the junior VP of casting at the network, and his real last name is Beckenbauer, so they have that German connection. He jokes that he had to change to avoid being labelled a communist, not being a Nazi. It looks like she has an in.

-Dandy is putting make-up on his face, and you just know shit is about to get crazy because he has that good and insane look in his eyes. He starts walking through the freak show, humming a tune, and when he closes his eyes to get in that zone, you know it’s about to be some shit. Paul walks up and says something about back pay, and gets a bullet in the head for his trouble, but I mean, he spat in his face, so that had to happen. Penny hears the shot and I’ve no idea how she was planning to hide behind a sheet because it’s not like Dandy can’t see her behind a white sheet, and she gets shot in the head as well. Toulouse (the midget that was feeling up on the twins a few weeks ago) gets on, as well as little legless Suzi, and he chased her all around the tent, what an asshole. He did stub his toe while chasing her, though, that was pretty good.

-Desiree hears all this and knows what’s up as Dandy shoots a couple more random freaks. Eve hears the shots and runs out to Paul, who is long past dead and shoutout to the makeup people on AHS as that bullet hole in the back of his head looks damn real. Eve grabs a hatchet while Ima (the big girl) tries to hide, but that obviously doesn’t work. Dandy finds Desiree’s trailer and searches it, but she hides in a closet and does everything in her power not to make a sound. Dandy then gets tackled by Eve and the two fight, and she is kickin’ his ass all over the place, but Dandy gets free, shoots her in the leg and then the head. He continues the search for Desiree, but eventually gives up and returns to a tent where the twins are tied to a post. In my head, I’m saying to myself that I’ll stop watching this shit if he kills the twins, shit, even one of them, but instead, he asks them to join him. That is probably worse for them.

-I do like Dandy’s fancy golden revolver, but they didn’t even try to show him reloading that shit while going on his rampage. God love American Horror Story, a show that gives almost as few fucks as The Walking Dead when it comes to the little things.

-Jimmy’s fuck ass returns to the show to see what’s up after getting his wooden claws, and we’re not gon’ talk about how the cops apparently aren’t looking for him anymore after the truck he was in was jumped by Dell and Eve, and there were cops killed; that’s old shit. He calls for Elsa, but she’s long gone. Then he is slowly realizing, because that’s how Jimmy does things, that something is amiss. He walks into the big top, and it’s just a trail of dead bodies all the way up to the stage. Jimmy closes Eve’s eyes and I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to feel bad for him, but between the wooden claws and well, Jimmy, we all start laughing. Desiree puts her hand on his shoulder and Jimmy gets freaked out before he realizes it’s her, and she starts sobbing to end the most bloody and intense 20 minutes of the season.

-We return after commercial to the wedding of the twins (well, Bette) to Dandy, which takes place in his play/bed/killing room, and they’re joined by a kid playing the flute, homegirl on the harp and a fake-ass horse, along with some other stuffed animals. Dot tells them that she’ll just leave her body while they’re consummating the marriage, but Dandy basically tells that she’ll be joining them and threatening her if she disrespects his manhood, whatever the hell that means. They’re having a toast during dinner, and Dandy starts talking excitedly about the future, but the way it’s shot, it looks like everything around Dandy is moving, and Bette is talking him up, but Dot has this “mufucka you need to die” look on her face, so the wheels start turning. He drops the glass on the floor and we’re like, “AW SHIT THEY DRUGGED HIS ASS” as his vision gets blurry, and the maid that the twins hired is Desiree, who shows off the triple breasts one final time so he’ll recognize her. He goes to attack her, but Bette shoots Dandy with a tear in her eye and his Goldeneye gun, and all he says afterwards is, “THAT’S MINE”, referring to the gun because Dandy sees everything as his….EVERYTHING. Desiree calls for the butler and we all know Jimmy is coming out, which he does as we learn the twins snuck him earlier. They tell Dandy that he is finally gon’ be the star of the show as he passes out.

-They showed a few commercials for that A Most Violent Year movie, which I didn’t even know was a thing until last week. I’m intrigued, might gotta watch that.

-Dandy wakes up in a tank, so you know this won’t end well for him. He is in the Houdini escape tank, and he still thinks he can order people around because he’s delusional. Desiree just wants to cut his balls off, but Jimmy says they’re showmen, so it has to be theatrical. He says all the killing was what God wanted him to do, and he was just fulfilling his purpose, and even better, he forgives the twins for setting him up like this. Goddamn, Dandy Mott just might be the greatest character in AHS history, no less than top three. Bette tells Dandy that she hates him as he killed all her friends, and Desiree gives a speech about how he is a bigger freak than all of them as they turn on the water. He tries to bribe them with money, then says some shit about being immortal, but Jimmy replies with some speech about freaks inheriting the earth and I don’t care about anything he says anyway. The twins, Jimmy and Desiree sit around with some popcorn as Dandy eventually drowns, while we eat popcorn and watch them on some AHS/Inception shit.

-That Jennifer Lopez movie, The Boy Next Door, dammit that looks terrible, b.

-We go to Hollywood in 1960 and we learn that Elsa has become a star in both TV and music, and she is getting a start on the Walk of Fame, and she married Michael Beck eventually. But of course, she ends up being an asshole and shits all over the product of a coffee commercial she is filming, saying “shite” three times and the coffee tastes like piss. Michael and a network executive try to talk her into doing a promotional spread on Halloween, but freaks don’t work on Halloween, word to Edward Mordrake…..so the wheels get to turning again. Then Elsa calls Michael a pussy for some reason, and again says that she doesn’t work on Halloween. We learn that Elsa regrets marrying Michael and has returned to her dominatrix roots with him, and she is going home for another engagement.

-That engagement is Axeman Massimo, who flashes back to a time when Elsa was learning to walk with her new legs. Elsa hates her new life as she is surrounded by yes men, her and Michael cheat on each other constantly, and she feels cursed. She goes back to the birthday cake that Ethel made her in 1952, when she wished to be loved, and now she wants to run away with Massimo, but he has lung cancer and is due to die in a month. Jessica Lange and Danny Huston be actin’, bruh. Everything that they’ve done from Coven to Freak Show, there is never a wasted second.

-Elsa is hammered as Michael and the head of the network (who looks startlingly like John McCain) show up to tell her that the snuff film has popped up, and Michael is pissed because Elsa lied about how she lost her legs, so he says he’s packing his things. An article is coming out about the snuff film, and not only that, a private investigator has connected Elsa to the freak show in Jupiter, where everyone is dead. Basically, her entire past has violated a morality clause in her contract, so Elsa is getting the boot. She says fuck it all, and she’ll work on Halloween because she knows what’s gon’ happen.

-Elsa steps out to do her final performance, which is “Heroes” by David Bowie, so we can assume that Ryan Murphy loves some Bowie. She is doing her thing, and we see Desiree walking by a TV on the street, and she is now married to whatever the hell Theo Huxtable’s name is, with children. Jimmy is watching it at home….with the twins, who are pregnant and all I’m wondering is, does she feed him? I mean, he has wooden claws for hands. Then Mordrake and his crew show up, along with Twisty The Clown, who looks really weird with a full mouth. Elsa stops singing and everyone in real life is looking around like, uh, what’s wrong with her, while Elsa and Mordrake hammer out the details of her death as she brought him here under a suicide mission. So he does kill her (although it looks to everyone else like she just had a heart attack), but Mordrake says she doesn’t belong with his crew.

-Instead, Elsa ends up with her freaks, including Ethel, which means we get one last chance to hear Kathy Bates’ terrible Baltimore accent, and she says the freak show always have a full house in the afterlife, so apparently, Elsa ends up winning.

And that, my friends, wraps up Freak Show, which I’m not going to put above Coven yet, but it’s coming. That was easily the best and most coherent of all the AHS finales, and the only thing that bothers me is that Elsa kinda wins, but she was still miserable enough that she wasn’t happy, so that’s okay. We all thought that she would survive and end up reuniting with Pepper in the asylum, which isn’t completely off the table just yet, depending on what they plan for Season 5 (and if Lange decides to come back). That they managed to pull everything back together throughout this deliberate mess of a season was pretty incredible, especially after watching them foul it up for three season (definitely the last two, I’ll give Murder House a pass, though).

Sure, there were some strange times here and there, but overall, Freak Show was a fun hour of TV every week because you never knew what was coming, and you knew you were getting top-tier acting from 95% of the cast (we all know who I’m talkin’ about). Shoutout to Finn Wittrock for coming out of nowhere and dominating the season, with honorable mentions to Sarah Paulson, Angela Bassett, and Ms. Lange for the final three episodes; like a true veteran, she stepped up and carried this shit in the fourth quarter. Word to Neil Patrick Harris and Malcolm Jamal-Warner for coming through and doing their thing in their cameos as well. If you’re looking to start someone out on American Horror Story, give them Freak Show, and go from there.

Super special shout to the AHS crew, Jody, Lindsay and Mel, as I told y’all, the show was only eclipsed by the company. Can’t wait for the next one!

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E11 – Magical Thinking

American Horror Story: Freak Show returns for its stretch run and while I thought there was only one episode left after “Magical Thinking”, it turns out there are two. This is important because there was no way they could successfully wrap this up in one more episodes. Let’s go…..

-We find out that, two days ago (from what, I’m still not sure), Stanley is still tryna chat up Jimmy in jail, and Stanley throws out the plan that Jimmy could afford a good lawyer if he gives up his left hand. If he doesn’t, Stanley tells him he could end up like Meep, which is very likely, and he gives Jimmy a bottle of something. We all know they won’t end well, and of course, Jimmy starts puking right away, and Stanley starts yelling at the guard to get an ambulance there. I’m still not sure what to think of Denis O’Hare. I don’t know if he’s good, or he’s good in something as ridiculous as AHS.

-Stanley obviously has an ambulance on deck, driven by the fake doctor that couldn’t remember his lines from a few episodes ago, and he puts Stanley under so they can start. Jimmy wakes up in a hospital and realizes that something happened, and he needs something for the pain, but the nurse is like, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP, you killed one of my homegirls at the tupperware party massacre. Poor Jimmy; mufucka is in too much pain to say, “IT WASN’T ME”. He looks down and notices that he is missing not just one, but two hands. Because why wouldn’t Stanley take both hands? How are people still trusting this dude? Anyway, welcome back, American Horror Story.

-The twins are happy, completely down with the freak show way of life. Dot has what I think is a beer or some sort of alcohol, Bette is making dirty jokes, and the plan is that they’re tryna have sex with someone. They don’t even need the diaries anymore because they’re that content with life now on some “Twins Gone Wild” shit. They walk into the big top to find a new person who just had to see what the freak show was all about: Chester Creb, who handles lizards apparently, he was in the Army and does some magic as well. Neil Patrick Harris finally makes his AHS appearance and I heard a while ago that he was gon’ be on, but I forgot about it until we saw his name in the opening credits. He also has a thing for magic in real life, I learned from his Nerdist Podcast episode. So you obviously have to think something is up with him because NPH isn’t playing a bit character. He is also a travelling salesman, and Dot says in her head, “you know what they say about them”. Um, what DO they say about travelling salesmen? And now that I think about it……Theo Huxtable (I can’t remember dude’s AHS name for the life of me) is also a travelling salesman….he and Chester on some tag-team shit?

-Dell goes to visit Jimmy in the hospital, and Michael Chilikis does some good overacting when he realizes what is going on with Stanley and Jimmy’s lack of hands. Dell tells him the story of why he doesn’t have the lobster claws, although his pops and brother did, and was chastised for being normal, so he booked when jimmy was born. Meanwhile, Jimmy is looking at his food like, hey, a little help here. It was a nice moment and all, but Dell killing Ma Petite destroys any sympathy you might have for him.

-Chester does his magic act for Elsa, who is looking to sell the freak show, remember, but she isn’t feeling the magic act. What she is feeling, however, is his organizational skills and she asks him to join the show as a de facto accountant. We also find out that Chester has some ventriloquist skills and a doll named Marjorie, who is very, um, involved in his life. After his little spiel about joining a family, he goes back to his trailer and we find out that Marjorie speaks, and I just can’t figure out where her voice is from…….until my homegirl blurts out, “PRETTY GIRL!”. BAM…..it’s Jamie Brewer, also known as the young daughter from Murder House (she just wanted to be a pretty girl, you know), and Nan from Coven. Well done, Ryan Murphy, well done.

-Then Paul walks in and is like, uhhhhhhhhhh, I heard voices, bruh, and Chester gives him some shit about rehearsing. Paul doesn’t buy it at all like, this mufucka is crazy as shit. But then we get a shot of Chester looking in a mirror, and the human version of Marjorie is behind him, but then he turns around and she is a doll again, but giggling. Oh man…….OH MAN.

-Dell runs up on Elsa, who is packing up her things with Eve, and he tells her what Stanley has done with Jimmy’s hands, but Elsa ain’t tryna hear it and kicks him out. Eve follows him and she’s willing to overlook their past beef as she wants to help Dell out with the Stanley situation. Dell knows how Eve gets down and ain’t tryna get that ass kicked again, so he’s down with the plan.

-The twins are chillin’ when Chester  comes by their trailer, and he comes by with some magic tricks. They’re all amazed by his tricks, or they’re just acting so they can get what they want, which is the D. But he has other ideas as Chester tells them that he found some old props, and one of them is the box from the saw-mufuckas-in-half trick (that is the technical name for it, I looked). He explains to them how it works and that he wants them to be his assistants, because they’re beautiful and such. My question is, why is he wearing so much makeup during the trick? I didn’t know magicians needed that much makeup, but whatever. We go to one of his flashbacks from when Chester was in the Army, and there are two women making out on a bed, so he is comfortable with threesomes……but, um, yeah, he is sitting in the corner with Marjorie the doll, just watching. Nah…..not creepy at all, jeez.

-The cops are taking Jimmy out of the hospital and back to the station, when their truck is attacked by Dell and Eve, who stands in the middle of the road to throw a brick through the window, then jumps out of the way in some of the worst CGI I’ve ever seen. I’m not sure if CGI is even the right term, but it was so ridiculously awesome, even better the second time around. Dell beats the dogshit outta one cop with a crowbar while Eve sorts the other one out, and they get Jimmy outta dodge.

-The twins are playin’ that sexy music, getting ready to visit Chester , who is talking to Marjorie and I’m so confused as to who can hear her. Is it all in his head? Can other people hear it? I think the latter is true because Paul said he heard voices, but you never know with American Horror Story. Even the twins are like, that is excellent how you can throw your voice like that and Chester is like, uuuuuuh, yeah, that was me. Anyway, the twins don’t waste any time and ask him if he’ll take their virginity. Chester is down, but he starts to get a headache and a piercing noise comes out of nowhere. Go to another flashback, and the women are making out again while he watches with the doll, and the women are like, okay, you need to get rid of that shit. We learn that it is his wife, who started a lesbian relationship while he was in the war, and his wife’s girlfriend was like, I’ma make these two fingers disappear….IN YOUR WIFE. And again, with the piercing noise. The twins are like, we know what will help with that: tittays. They place his hand on their chest and things are about to get poppin’, but Chester is like, I need the doll and they’re like, man, whatever, let’s just do this, weirdo. So, the sex gets had on the floor.

-SPLIT SCREEN SEX! Coming to the next edition of Grand Theft Auto, I bet.

-So, we head over to Mott Manor, where the cop that killed Precious for Dandy has done some investigating and tells Dandy that the twins are fuckin’ with Chester now. Dandy gets that murderous cry look going and keeps repeating, “they were supposed to be mine”. Oh yeah….mufuckas gon’ die.

-We get a cool nighttime shot of the freak show, and Chester is tryna put Marjorie in a box, and she is not having it at all. Go back to another flashback of his wife’s girlfriend, who hid Marjorie and starts shitting on dude for still wearing his uniform four years later, and needing a doll to get an erection. He doesn’t care about his wife cheating, this woman destroying his entire existence, just give him the doll back. He looks over the woman’s shoulder and sees human Marjorie saying they need to get rid of her and his wife, then Paul walks in like, dude, if you can stop talkin’ to yourself for one friggin’ minute, Elsa wants to talk to you. Good Lord, Chester’s character is a hot mess.

-Turns out Elsa wants to sell the freak show to Chester before she leaves, but he wants to make Marjorie the headliner and not only that, he wants to give her Elsa’s room. Jessica Lange’s face during this entire scene is priceless. Lookin’ at Chester like, you wanna do what for this doll, now? Word? WORD?

-Chester goes back to his trailer and Marjorie is gone again, which is great timing because the cops roll up to the freak show looking for Jimmy after the Dell/Eve escape. They’re pissed because cops are dead, and they encounter Chester’s crazy ass yelling about them finding the doll and again, Elsa is like, is this guy fucking serious? The cops are like, wayament, dude is talking about a fucking doll? Chester stumbles off and Elsa is like, look what I gotta deal with. The cops proceed to start tearing the freak show apart.

-Chester is looking for Marjorie throughout the freak show, and he runs into Dandy on the carousel. Dandy’s fur pimp coat might turn out to be one of the top five things that come out of Freak Show, like he just came back from asking bitches where his money was at. Anyway, he feels into Chester being delusional and Dandy has really done his background work or should I say, the cop did. He found out that Chester’s wife and girlfriend were killed by Chester, who told the cops that Marjorie did it and now he is on the run. However, we see that Chester walked into a bloody bedroom where human Marjorie had beaten them with a hammer because they should have let them join in; they should have been included. Hey bruh, Pretty Girl just wanted in on this threesome. Even Dandy looks at Chester like, that’s pretty fucked up, b. That is when you KNOW you’re crazy.

-The way Dandy says, “what a sicko”, right before the cop tells him about the murder was so fucking good. Finn Wittrock, bruh. Dude is a beast in this role.

-Dandy tells Chester that Marjorie is in the big top and there she is, eating grapes and shit. She demands to get top billing, but not only that, she orders Chester to saw the twins in half. Basically, she did the dirty work last time, it’s his turn. I’m thinking she is like his dark passenger, like in Dexter. Also, with NPH in the house, we’re about to get the musical number to end all AHS musical numbers.

-Maggie shows up in Elsa’s room, saying she has something to show her. Meanwhile, Desiree is waiting for Dell in his trailer, and she has a gun, saying they have a lot to talk about. He admits killing the cops when he broke Jimmy out, but Desiree is like, you did some other shit, too. While this is going on, we see Maggie leading Elsa to the jar that has Ma Petite in it, and Desiree gets Dell to cop to that as well. That’s all Elsa needed to hear, because she shoots Dell in the back of the head.

-Apparently, this morbidity museum doesn’t have a lick of security, because you can just walk the fuck out with a jar containing a dead little person.

I definitely like this episode better after the second time I watched it, and I think it’s because I know there are two episodes left after this instead of one. That means a little more time to flesh out this Chester storyline, but AHS is notorious for bringing some new shit with like, two episodes to go, and then the conclusion feels rushed.

Our AHS crew also asks the question of Elsa and the connection to Asylum, which we saw in “Orphans”. Does Elsa go crazy after moving to Hollywood and end up as the nun at Briarcliff? After Ep.10, none of that shit is off the table in American Horror Story: Freak Show.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E10 – Orphans

The 10th episode of American Horror Story: Freak Show, “Orphans”, packed a lot into an extended episode. We got a few backstories, confirmation that the creators, Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk, are indeed calling back to the past editions of the show, a few old faces return and it was actually well written. Let’s go……..

-I never knew his name, but Salty has died in his sleep and Pepper is a mess, which is fair enough as the two were basically inseparable. Elsa says he dies of a stroke, but I don’t believe and just then, Stanley approaches her, so I definitely don’t believe her. He tells her he received a telegram from the TV network saying that Elsa has to go to Hollywood in three weeks, so she needs her rest, but Elsa wants to take care of Pepper, which also means Salty’s body. Stanley says he’ll take care of it, which means cutting his head off and sending it to the morbidity museum. So, that is two weeks in a row that a head is cut off before we get to the opening credits of Freak Show, and I wanna say it’s the third beheading of the season along with Ethel and Gloria Mott.

-Desiree reads Pepper a story and then tries to leave to prepare for her show, but Pepper throws a fit and starts breaking stuff. Desiree asks her if she is done yet and orders her to clean everything up, because Angela Bassett is not here for your shit. Ms. Bassett has been underused after wreckin’ shop on Coven. She looks like she’s about to give Pepper some sympathy until Pepper throws shit in HER direction and she’s like, nah, bruh, not here. Dell tries to interrupt during this exchange and beg for Desiree back, but again, she’s not here for your shit. She all but says, dude, you like penis, go do that.

-She goes to Elsa’s trailer to tell her about Pepper, which sparks Elsa to tell Desiree about Pepper’s story. Elsa wanted to start her own freak show and needed to find freaks, so she went to the place where people throw away what they don’t want: an orphanage. She finds Pepper and starts playing with her, and takes her to the show (just walking her out of the orphanage because the adoption process wasn’t shit back then, apparently), where Pepper starts dancin’ around, partyin’ like shit. I’m not sure what was entertaining about this to people, but I’ll let it rock because Pepper is one of the few genuinely good and pure things left on Freak Show, which scares me that she’ll die. She was also left at the orphanage by her sister, but more on that later.

-We also learn the story of Ma Petite, who came with a Maharaja that came to see the show, and Elsa wanted her, but the leader was like, nah. So, she offers him a Dr. Pepper…..and he loves it so much that he trades Ma Petite for three cases of the shit. Now, if I’m following this great leader, I’m like, dude, your negotiation skills are terrible. But Elsa gets what she wants and Pepper has to look after her, which gives her a purpose. Then Salty comes from a boys home in Cincinnati, and Elsa marries the two eerily similar people. This story in a nutshell is why you love American Horror Story. Desiree tells Elsa that she has to take Pepper to her sister since she has lost Salty, Ma Petite and Elsa will be off to Hollywood soon, and Elsa reluctantly agrees.

-Desiree comes through Maggie’s tent with her new man, Angus (THEO HUXTABLE), and we learn that Angus is a travelling salesman. Now, I have written down, “does Theo know about the triple-tittay action?” and literally, two seconds later, Desiree saunters on stage just shakin’ and swingin’ them shits, so I wrote, “well, there goes that”. Then Maggie goes on a rant about everything is going to go downhill for Angus and Desiree, and the two storm out of the tent, but Angus says something about being a Christian and not believing in future-telling. I wonder if there is anything in the Bible about messin’ with three-tittied ladies with crazy genitalia, but hey, believe what you wanna, bruh.

-Desiree finds Maggie, drunk, on the carousel to find out what the hell that was all about, and Maggie decides to spill that she and Stanley are working together, not to kill freaks and sell them, but to pickpocket the freak show customers. Then she tells the story of how they met as she was selling newspapers, but would steal shit as well. She gets picked up by a cop, who is played by Brandon Stacy, who myself and my homegirl Lindsay SWORE we saw before as Bloody Face from Asylum, but I looked through his credits and it wasn’t him; he was played by Zachary Quinto, who hasn’t been in AHS since. But Quinto played Spock in the new Star Wars movies; Stacy played Spock in something called Star Trek New Voyages: Phase II. This is JUST getting started.

-Back to Maggie, she rolls with Stanley because he saves her from being arrested, and the two form their team. Desiree puts two and two together that freaks have been dying since they arrived and even though Maggie denies it, Desiree doesn’t trust her at all. Maggie bails to her tent, but finds Bette and Dot, who give her money to get Jimmy out of jail since people won’t take too kindly to them. Seems like they have a plan of some sort; I just want them to kick Maggie’s ass.

-Stanley visits Jimmy in jail and gives him some story about being an orphan as well, and asks Jimmy if he killed those women. Jimmy says he doesn’t remember as he was quite drunk, but can you kill nine women at once and not remember? Anyway, Stanley says he can get a lawyer, but he needs money and Jimmy doesn’t have any. He then leaves, but comes back and says he has an idea of how to raise the money, and looks at Jimmy’s lobster hands. Them shits probably go for a pretty penny.

-Maggie finds Desiree the next day and begs her to come to the morbidity museum because she is done with the lies, and Desiree doesn’t believe her at first, until she sees Ma Petite’s body, followed by Salty’s head. But the kicker is seeing Jimmy’s hands, and Maggie is like, nah, this has gone too far now. There are a ton of questions going on via text, namely if Jimmy would bleed out and how the hands got there that fast, but now I conclude that it’s American Horror Story and logic is for suckers. Also, Angela Bassett vs. Emma Roberts in an acting match is like me against Mike Tyson in his prime. And the thing is, Roberts was probably at her very best in this episode.

-Elsa takes Pepper to her sister in Massachusetts, and her sister, Rita, is played by Mare Winningham, who isn’t even listed in the IMDB for this episode. But she was in Coven for a couple episodes (she was Evan Peters’ mother who molested him) and she has been in a ton on TV and movies, so it continues. She’s a wicked bitch, but also, something doesn’t sit well with me. She messes up the “clogged pipes” line when telling Elsa why she couldn’t have children, and she walks away talking to herself. Something is amiss.

-Elsa then says goodbye to Pepper, and a brotha got all in his feelings. This is the first time this season that Elsa has been worth a damn and she is genuinely sad to be doing this, and even though it is selfish because she has to do what is best for her, Elsa still has ties to Pepper, who was her first freak. It’s pretty heartbreaking, especially when you know that Rita doesn’t give nary damn about Pepper.

-We come back from commercial and Rita is speaking to someone about her troubles with Pepper, and how she had a child that had something wrong with it, but it never says what and we never find out. But we do find out that someone is Sister Mary Eunice……who is played by Lily Rabe, and I start partyin’. She is one of a few that has been in all four seasons of AHS, along with Sarah Paulson, Jessica Lange, Evan Peters and Frances Conroy. Rabe played the Sister Mary role in Asylum, and she was Nora in Murder House and Misty in Coven (although the Stevie Nicks thing got real weird, real fast). So obviously, the two are speaking at Briarcliff, which is the setting for Asylum.

-A little aside: I heard that all of the AHS seasons were connected somehow, but I never knew that Ryan Murphy purposely did it, and this smacked me in the face. Again, my homegirl called it earlier in the episode with the orphanage, but a lot happened in this hour and I never thought much of it until we saw Sister Mary, and for as nonsensical and ridiculous as American Horror Story is, to make all these connections between four stand-alone seasons takes a lot of skill. Well done, Murphy (Falchuk too, I guess, but I’ve read Murphy is the driving force. Maybe he’s the one who does all the interviews and such, but Falchuk has written and directed his share of AHS episodes).

-Anyway, Rita tells about her home life, which she makes seem is hell for her, but really, she is lying in bed, making Pepper take care of her deformed baby while fixing her martinis, and she accuses Pepper of trying to seduce her husband, who is a dick in his own right and comes up with a plan to kill either Pepper or the baby, or both, it isn’t clear at first. So what he does, is drown the baby after kicking Pepper out of the nursery, and the couple frame Pepper for the murder, which is how Rita comes to bring her to Briarcliff. We see Pepper in a strait jacket, banging her head in sadness against a wall, when Sister Mary comes into her room and after a conversation about the baby, she sees remorse in Pepper. Sister Mary wants to make Pepper her redemption project and takes Pepper to the messy library, where she teaches her to pile up magazines such as Readers’ Digest, National Geographic and Time. Pepper is Rain Man with that shit, but as the episode ends, we see her picking up an issue of Time…..that has Elsa on the cover, and Elsa is now a huge TV star.

I’m putting “Orphans” up in the all-time pantheon episodes of American Horror Story, and while there have been a couple episodes this season that have been very good, they’re not topping this, and if you would have told me that an episode about Pepper would steal the season, I would have called you a liar. Pepper gave Elsa humanity after a season of being just awful, and she really tied together all of the AHS seasons with old faces coming back, and hell, she made me want to go back and watch Asylum; not to mention, they gave Angela Bassett some burn after I said she was underused this season. If you bailed on Freak Show before this episodes, I really don’t blame you, but I recommend “Orphans” highly. The only problems are that we now have to wait until January 7th for a new episode due to the holidays (because nothing says Merry Christmas like American Horror Story), and the sinking feeling that this could be the peak before a disaster of a finale.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E9 – Tupperware Party Massacre

We got a little bit of everything in “Tupperware Party Massacre”, the latest edition of American Horror Story: Freak Show, and really, I mean everything. We get murder, we get tears, we get all sorts of sex, more genitalia questions, more characters and of course, tupperware. Shoutout to FX Canada getting their shit together and fixing the sound by 9:00 PM, although it was always good to reassemble with the crew and catch up. Let’s go…..

-We open with Maggie reading Dandy’s fortune, and we learn that Dandy has been busy as he discovered the greatness of blood baths. He killed an Avon lady and then got his Frankenstein on, sewing her head on his mother’s body as an ode to the twins, Bette and Dot, and we can only assume he bathed in that blood, too. She tells him everything will be fine and he gives her a $100 bill, but Dandy kinda grabs her hand and Maggie is like, you need to leave, playboy. If she can tell fortunes, she can surely tell that he is a murderous, blood-bathing, vein-poppin’ lunatic, right?

-Then we see Jimmy, who has linked up with Ima, the big girl, and he is just shovelling chocolate pudding into her face. He hits her with, for my money, the line of the season so far, possibly on all of TV: “If you want it long and hard, I need you soft and wide”. I need to know how many takes that took, because it had to take Evan Peters at least 14 takes to not laugh when he said that. And holy shit, she is BIG. She has taken to the freak show very quickly, though.

-But we also learn that Jimmy has been doing a lot of drinking since Ethel died, and he freaks out when he sees Dandy, telling him that he knows he was the other clown with Twisty, but no one really believes him because he is a drunken mess. He tries to punch Dandy and falls the fuck over like a Portuguese soccer player (I love soccer, I can make those jokes, but shit happens sometimes). Dandy bends down and tells Jimmy that he is a god, and since he took the twins, he is basically aiming to take Jimmy’s soul and whatever is left of his dignity. Go for the first one, Dandy, because there isn’t much left of the latter.

-Stanley and Elsa have formed quite the team after taking out Ethel as they’ve managed to track down the twins in a motel, and I’ma be honest, I had NO idea where they even were. Stanley tells them that they found a doctor to perform their surgery, and they might want to seriously consider it as an angry mob formed to kill Ethel and they’re out for the freaks. The twins look perturbed. Sarah Paulson is good as shit, man. More on that later.

-Desiree and Maggie are walking around when they run into, hey, look, Malcolm Jamal-Warner! Dude is getting all the FX work lately as he was on Sons Of Anarchy (he said like, four lines, but whatever, it counts), and good for him; things aren’t going too well for his TV dad, so someone has to carry on the Huxtable name (Lisa Bonet was on New Girl this season). Anyway, Maggie learns quickly that he (his name is Angus T. Jefferson, which sounds like a new burger at McDonalds) and Desiree know each other and gives them a minute, which turns into nothing, but he’ll be back.

-Maggie and Desiree walk in on Jimmy giving Ima the business, and they kinda sit there and watch for a minute like it is a zoo. Then Maggie remembers like, hey, I used to bang him, and goes in on Ima, calling her a pillow and a donut (and something else), basically, a hole to stick something in. Jimmy tries to retort, but he throws up instead. Dude is not having a good day so far.

-So, he decides to take a trip into town to visit the housewives who pay him to pleasure them during their “tupperware parties”, but apparently he can’t even do that anymore, but then he starts hallucinating and seeing his dead mother, who is chastising him for becoming a fuckup, and he starts crying, only to realize that he is doing this in some stranger’s lap and they’re like, yeah, you need to get the fuck out, b. I’d like to say things can’t get much worse for Jimmy, but…..

-He leaves, and right after, the doorbell rings and it is Dandy, who gives the lady of the house some story about his car breaking down. They let him in, and as we’re watching, the crew is like, is he gon’ kill all the women?

-The husband comes home to a whole bunch of smeared blood everywhere, and yeah, Dandy killed ALL OF THE WOMEN, B. ALL OF THEM. They’re all floating in the pool and you know Dandy got his Michael Phelps on. I’ll personally buy the DVD if they include how he pulled this off. I just picture him running around gleefully, slicing everyone to pieces. But seriously, there were like, nine of them. Good grief.

-Stanley and Elsa take the twins to some bum-ass barn with a table on it, and he tells them that the doctor in question (Dr. Sugar) has the operation down to a tee and the twin that died in the previous operation passed of a rare infection. Neither of them seem to believe him, especially Bette, but she tells her sister that she is willing to sacrifice herself if Dot really wants the surgery. This is as real and emotional as you’re going to get in American Horror Story, and the fact that it’s Sarah Paulson having this conversation with herself as Bette, willing to lay her life on the line in a bullshit surgery for her selfish-ass sister, who realizes that she is a selfish ass, and the tears dripping off her nose, and she is holding her own hand, and Dot hits that, “If it comes to it…if they had to make a choice during surgery that only one of us would live…then I wanna give my life to you, sister.”….MAN, LISTEN. I swear I will fight every single person on the Emmy board if Sarah Paulson doesn’t get it this season. In fact, Finn Wittrock as Dandy should probably in the Supporting Actor category as well, and that’s all fine and good. But I will throw a car into a river if Sarah Paulson doesn’t get the Actress award for this.

-Speaking of Mr. Wittrock, he is getting ready for another soothing blood bath and in walks Regina, who doesn’t seem to notice all the blood somehow. She tells Dandy that she has contacted the cops about her mother’s disappearance and he is like, so fuckin’ what? He tells her that he is a god and not only did he kill Regina’s mother, but his mother, the Avon lady, shit, he might have copped to killing George Washington and Hitler as well, he told her EVERYTHING. Then he gets naked and asks her to join him in the tub of blood to get in on these powers, and I’m like, I have no idea how both of them are fitting in that tub, and I’m kinda interested to see how that works. She FINALLY notices the blood and she should probably die at this point, but he tells her to get out before he does kill her. Then he starts screaming about being above the law, all while naked, mind you. This dude Dandy, bruh. Greatness in a swaddle of insanity.

-Stanley finds Dell stumbling along drunkenly and asks him if he is going to the gay bar he frequents. Then outta nowhere, Stanley pulls that thang out and starts stroking it and making all sorts of cock jokes, asking Dell if he wanted to touch it and he’s never half-cocked and you should see it when it’s angry. Anything to make Dell uncomfortable and push him closer to the edge, even though this would have been the perfect time for Dell to just snap this dude’s neck.

-Dell is writing what we believe to be a suicide note to Jimmy as he is racked with guilt over his role in Ma Petite’s death and he should, because he is a piece of shit for that. He has a noose in his kitchen and then sees Ethel, who basically calls him a coward and to just do it, step by step. Dell also can’t deal with being a freak and Ethel tells him that he holds everything inside, which isn’t working out for him, but I also have to wonder if he’s ashamed of being gay as well, because he obviously likes the penis. Oh yeah, he also sees Ma Petite and I have to wonder, the fuck are these mufuckas drinking to see all these hallucinations? He’s just a mess, so he feels the need to do this and he actually goes through with it, but Desiree walks in at the last minute and cuts him down. What a punk this so-called strongman is.

-Stanley is in a motel room with a dude who is trying to play this Dr. Sugar role, and he stinks at knowing his lines. Stanley is like, whatever man, and gets a blowjob anyway. I’m still convinced there is something going on down there with Stanley and it’s not the size. TEETH, MUFUCKAS. TEETH.

-Regina shows up at Dandy’s crib with Detective Colquitt, and I learned from the American Horror Story Wikia that he is probably the same character from a couple episodes in the Murder House season. There have been a bunch of theories that all of these AHS seasons are connected somehow, and at first, I thought it was bullshit, but I’m coming around on it and I’ll expand on that when I figure it out. Anyway, Colquitt is like, yo, she is accusing you of being a killer and Dandy is like, yeah, I did it and I’ll get away with it because I’m rich as all the fucks and not only that, you’re going to kill her and bury the body for me because I’ll give you a cool million dollars, straight cash, homie (word to Randy Moss). With no hesitation at all, Colquitt turns to shoot Regina in the head and asks Dandy if he has a shovel. Because if there is one more thing we need to see on American television, it’s another corrupt cop.

-Bette and Dot track down Jimmy and goes on a big speech about how she has loved him since she laid eyes on him and he never looked at her as a freak, and then takes off her robe and we’re all like, so how many tittays are there on her? I think we settled on two, but I mean, if Desiree has three and a giant clitoris, everything is on the table, I would think. Jimmy asks Bette if she is down with this and she’s like, sure, I’ll just close my eyes, but Dot is like, dude, there is another mouth! So what does Jimmy do? He turns it down because he’s a fuckass and is in love with someone else, which I think would be Maggie, but hell, he could be all about Ima now. There is also an outside chance that he is projecting his love for his mother on Ima because they are both larger and if Ima grows a beard, then I was right. THIS is the kinda shit that runs through my mind while watching American Horror Story.

-So, he leaves the twins in tears, but then the cops roll up and accuse him of the tupperware party massacre, saying they found his glove at the scene. Maggie tries to intervene, but that doesn’t work and they take Jimmy away. Dandy set the homie up, obviously because money talks and bullshit runs the marathon (word to New Jack City).

There are only three episodes left in Freak Show and the worry is that there is too much going on because we’ve seen this happen time and time again. Will Bette and Dot go through with the surgery (whether they like it or not)? How will the freaks get Jimmy out of jail? Just how many more people will Dandy and his police force kill? Why did Theo Huxtable randomly show up in episode nine? How the fuck was that doctor from last week? What about Penny and her father? Shit, what about Elsa in general? I was fine with this episode as I have been with all of them, but right about now, the concern kicks in that American Horror Story isn’t going to be able to wrap all this shit up.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E03 – Edward Mordrake, Part 1

Halloween is on the horizon, so you know American Horror Story is about to cook up something special. Freak Show hit us with the first part of a doubleheader, which has a couple different meanings this season, and “Edward Mordrake, Part 1” just introduces more fuckery into our AHS lives. Let’s go…

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-We open at a scientific museum, and by scientific museum, I mean the House Of Thousand Corpses Of All Kinds. But we learn that the place isn’t doing too well because people are watching Ed Sullivan, so they are looking for new specimens. This is where “Dr. Mansfield” and “Ms. Rothschild” come into play as we get the first glimpse of Denis O’Hare and Emma Roberts, who were last seen as Spalding the creepy butler/doll aficionado and Madison the prissy bitch/dead boyfriend stealer in Coven. But the museum curators aren’t buying their stories as they figure out the doctor doesn’t have a Harvard degree like he says, and the specimen they try to pass off as a baby Sasquatch is really just a baby goat with a cat’s jaw attached. E for effort, though. Still, one of the curators whispers that, while this is some bullshit, they would pay top dollar for some real freaky shit. I wonder where they could find that sort of thing? OH, FLORIDA.

-Meanwhile, it is Halloween and the kids are out trick or treating at 4 pm because of the curfew, and this kid on a clown suit is trying to scare his little sister, who is afraid of clowns. So who does she see behind a bush? Ol’ Scalpy McTootherson, Twisty, and she tries to tell her mom, who reminds me of a third-rate Betty Draper from Mad Men. Her mom doesn’t believe her, but more on that in a bit as the scene ends with Twisty chillin’ across the street and WHY IS NO ONE NOTICING HIS FACE? I know it is Halloween, but shit.

-Ethel takes her beard to the doctor, where she learns she got that cirrhosis, and about six months to a year to live. But more importantly, I read an article in which a linguist said that her accent is supposed to be from Baltimore, so now all I hear is a poor version of Snoop from The Wire. Kathy Bates is better than this, right? Anyway, she gon’ die.

-So of course, she ends her sobriety by joining the “RIP Meep” party on the freak show’s day off because YOLO, and we also learn why the freak show doesn’t work or even rehearse on Halloween. Ethel tells the story of Edward Mordrake, who looks like a homeless man’s Jack White, but he has a face on the back of his head that talks to him and makes him go crazy. He gets sent to an asylum (shoutout to the shitty second season of American Horror Story), but kills a man to escape and ends up at a freak show, where he ends up killing everyone in the show as well as himself. So if the freaks work on Halloween, his ghost comes back and kills everyone. This might be the most logical story AHS has ever told.

-Dot doesn’t believe the story and thinks they should work anyway, and she is really starting to become a pain in the ass. The diva is starting to come out and she is being even worse to Bette, who always looks sad as shit and I just wanna hug her neck. Sarah Paulson, bruh.

-Speaking of diva, Miss Patti Labelle is back as Dora, and she gets to watch Dandy flip the fuck out as his mom gets him a Howdy Doody costume for Halloween. Dora gives him a look like, “you spoiled sonofabitch”. She also wears a Woody Woodypecker costume, so I can cross “seeing Patti Labelle in a Woody Woodypecker costume” off my bucket list.

-Somewhere in there, Desiree tries to get Dell to give her the business, but he can’t get it up, which I assume has been happening quite a bit, hence her bangin’ the dude in Chicago that Dell kills and they end up here. He grabs her by the throat, but the look that Angela Bassett gives him like, “if you don’t get your impotent hands off me…”, and he stomps off. But all sorts of questions arise about the sheer physics and biology of Desiree having sex. She is working with a lot of stuff.

-Dell ends up outside with Ethel, who tells him that she is dying and she wants him to watch over Jimmy McLobsterhands, but not to tell him he is his father. She also asks him if he ever loved her and he says no. I can’t wait for him to die.

-Emma Roberts, whose real name is Maggie Esmeralda (her character, obviously), rolls up to the freak show in a cab and tells Jimmy she is a fortune teller. He takes her to Elsa, who is wacked out on opium because Jessica Lange stays playing women addicted to something or everything. Maggie tells her fortune, which seems like some bullshit, but she does a good job at getting clues from around Elsa’s room on some Keyser Soze in “The Usual Suspects” shit. She also says she sees a refined man that will help Elsa, but she passes out. Was it Mordrake? Things that make you go hmmmm.

-Dot has a dream in which the twins are getting separated and that disturbs Bette, and Dot doesn’t care that one of them will die. Good grief, Dot gets a little attention and loses her mind. Bette might gotta kill her.

-Jimmy and Maggie are out on his bike and she calls Denis O’Hare, whose name is Stanley. She says the freaks are weird and she wants to pull out, but he convinces her to stick with the plan. We also learn that Stanley gets freaky himself with a dude in a Viking helmet and that he has, well, we have a few options. Either he has an extremely large penis, a small one, none at all, multiple penises or one with a face on it. Hell, we see an arm-penis with a boot on it in the opening credits. Tell me you would be surprised by any of this and if you are, this is obviously your first AHS season.

-Dandy turned his Howdy Doody costume into a clown, of course, and he goes downstairs to attempt to kill Dora, who all but calls him a bitch and tells him that she knows about the cat killings, but he is too pussy (DUALITY!!!!!) to kill a person. She’s not wrong……yet.

-Elsa gets into an argument with Dot about rehearsing and Dot is awful ungrateful to someone without whom she would be in jail. That Fiona Apple cover gassed her up. But Elsa wins because it is her show, and she is confident because Maggie said she saw a crowd cheering for her. So Elsa does her own cover of a Lana Del Rey song, called “Gods and Monsters” apparently because I don’t fuck with LDR like that. This summons Mordrake with some green smoke, but he then disappears and Elsa is like, “damn, that opium is good shit”.

-He shows up in Ethel’s trailer and he forces her to tell her deepest pain, which is Dell not only rejected her, but he charged people to watch her give birth to Jimmy. Who the hell would pay to see a bearded lady give birth? Mufuckas was bored back in the day. Anyway, he doesn’t kill her, strangely because the dude with a face on the back of his head also has a heart.

-Dandy is at Twisty’s trailer, tryna get up the heart to stab the little boy and the girl. Twisty enters and what has he been up to? He was at the house of the little trick or treater from earlier and AHS fakes us out because it is shot from the viewpoint of someone sneaking around while the mother is talking to her friend in the living. We think that it is Twisty, but it is the little girl’s brother. Then, Twisty sneaks up behind dude and takes him out through the window, so which the daughter is like, “see, I fucking TOLD you about the clown” to the mother. So now, the Twisty and Dandy Daycare has one more client.

Part 2 of the Halloween special is shaping up to be a good one. We are getting Twisty’s backstory, which we have all been waiting for. Mordrake gotta kill someone, you would think. And something isn’t sitting right about Dora with me; I think she has, or will, kill something. Because in American Horror Story, all bets are off.

American Horror Story: FreakShow S04E02 – Massacres And Matinees

The best part of the American Horror Story series, in my not-so-humble opinion, is that nothing is off the table. I would love to sit in the writer’s room and listen to them brainstorm, because I bet no idea is shot down, and instead they work to fit in whatever insanity out there. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but it is never boring and it continues with the second episode of FreakShow, “Massacres and Matinees”. Let’s go….

-The people of Jupiter are obviously freaked out by everything that happened in the first episode, all the killings and such, but now that a cop is dead, shit is ON now and the Elsa Mars freak show is obviously going to be targeted. Jimmy Lobsterhands can’t lead this crew, they’ll all be dead by the sixth episode. But, more on that later.

-Meanwhile, we see a kid in a toy store looking like the milkman from the premiere, and he is just as stupid. He is looking for his boss, but he sees a toy in the middle of the floor, which would have sent me out the door in no time flat. But nah, son needs to investigate and out of nowhere, a robot comes across the floor…..with a trail of blood. At that point, myself and the people I was watching with are like, “GET THE FUCK OUT”, but nah, this Hardy Boys-ass mufucka continues to follow the blood trail, head down, completely oblivious to Twisty the Clown just chillin’ between two other fake clowns. Would you not smell him, with all the blood and dirt? Anyway, the kid follow the trail to the severed head of his boss, and promptly gets the Twisty scissors through the neck. Dude deserved it. Keep your head up, dammit (word to Eric Lindros, Google his name with Scott Stevens).

-The freak show is partyin’ because they are making a little money despite a curfew that has been put down, but Jimmy isn’t having it. He just wants the townspeople to see them as normal, but yeah dogg, you killed a cop, so you won’t get any sympathy from them.

-We head to the house of Gloria and Dandy Mott, and they are eating snails cooked up by Miss Patti Labelle! Seriously, if we have to sit through all the musical numbers this season (more on that in a bit), and Miss Patti doesn’t get a chance to rock the mic before she dies (oh, she WILL die), Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk gotta be questioned. He storms out of the dining room complaining of boredom and we get a slight view of how tapped he is (shoutout to Dandy drinking liquor out of a glass baby bottle), which he gets from mama Gloria. Miss Patti (yeah, fuck what her character name is) tells Gloria that she thinks Dandy has been going around killing stuff, which means she is definitely gon’ die.

-We go back to the freak show, which might be getting a new act: Angela Bassett makes her FreakShow debut as Desiree Dupree, along with her husband, Dell Toledo, who is played by Michael Chilkis, whom you might remember from The Shield and the Thing in the Fantastic Four joints. Desiree heads over to tell Elsa her story, and shows off her attributes in the form of three breasts and apparently a penis as she is a hermaphrodite. We see a flashback to Chicago, where she and Dell had to flee from as he killed a man for having sex with Desiree, which brings up a whole slew of other questions. Anyway, Dell begs Elsa for a deal as she says they are full with acts, which is strange considering his later behaviour.

-Dandy (who is played by Finn Wittrock, which is absolutely fitting) goes to the freak show and finds Jimmy, and he also wants to join, and Jimmy is like, are you serious, bruh? He can’t understand why Dandy would want to leave his comfy home in society, but he doesn’t realize just how fucked this dude is. Moral of the story: it is quite the struggle to be comfortable in your own skin, no matter who you are.

-Ironically, Jimmy tells Dandy he is not welcome at the freak show, so Dandy returns home and Gloria has gotten him a new friend. The scene with Gloria picking up Twisty on the side of the road is just fantastic and a microcosm of why I love American Horror Story. She doesn’t ask why a clown is randomly walking down the street, and doesn’t flinch when he turns to her with his facemask (like for real, a mask of a face, b). Just simply asks him if he wants a job while explaining her son is in a mood. She is on some good drugs, I tell ya. They go up to a room where Twisty is standing among what seems to be a croquet set, and Dandy orders him to amuse. Twisty starts pulling shit out of a trunk, while Dandy looks through his bag and never questions why he has a pair of bloody scissors in there. He gets bopped on the head and Twisty is like, fuck this, I’m out, this dude is crazy. That should tell you something about Dandy.

-While this is my favorite part of the show so far, we should go back to the freak show, where we learn that Dell is Jimmy’s father via a conversation with Ethel (Kathy Bates), who recognized Dell’s strongman car pulling in. We also find out that Bette can’t sing worth a damn, but miss uptight Dot can, so the sisters will be the headliners, although Elsa still thinks she is the star. Bruh, we watched that David Bowie joint you did last week. You ain’t it.

-Dell decides they should do matinees with the curfew in fact, and this raises my biggest question of the episode: how do you go from begging for a job to tryna run shit? And how do you say that no woman is the boss of you and you’re fuckin’ a hermaphrodite? This dude gotta die.

-Meanwhile, Jimmy takes his crew into town so the locals get to know them, but that backfires like shit. One lady asks them to leave because they are scaring her daughter, they can’t get service, all kinds of shit. I saw it as a comparison to segregation in the 50s, if you wanna go that route. Dell walks in and orders the group out because they are basically giving the people a free show, so why would they pay? Then he and Jimmy go outside and he proceeds to beat the dogshit out of him because, well, why wouldn’t you want to punch the son you abandoned? He goes to Elsa and tells her that Della gotta go, but she doesn’t listen until she notices that her name is at the bottom of the poster for the matinee.

-Who is the headliner of the show? Bette and Dot, and the latter rolls out Fiona Apple’s “Criminal”, and let me tell you, the party was ON for me. First, this is 1952, so what, 40-plus years before “Criminal” came out? And why were they moshing and crowdsurfing? “Criminal” isn’t a song for either of those things. Just when you think American Horror Story can’t get any more ridiculous, it pulls some left field shit and all you can do is party.

-Obviously, Elsa is jealous of the reception the twins get and sneaks into their room to talk to Bette, and gives her knife to stab her sister. Now, Dot stabbed her before, so I guess she is fair game. But if she does, does Bette have to carry around her sister’s dead head? I don’t know how the biology of all this works, but I am sure we will get a bullshit explanation. And I will buy it for $1000, Alex.

-The cops make an appearance and end up taking Lil Meep in as Jimmy tried to plant evidence of the detective murder on Dell, who appears to be smarter than that and found out. Meep gets taken to jail with a slew of other criminals and I am sure there was some raping in the mix.

-Dandy follows Twisty to his bus of horrors, and Twisty is tryna amuse the kid and the girl, who has found a way to get out. Long story short, she hits him over the head and they run, and she runs right into Dandy, who is like, oh, so this is what you’re about, Clowny? So they take them back into the bus, where I am sure nothing goes well for the kid and the girl.

-Oh yeah, we see why Twisty needs to cover his mouth. Good Jesus. I’m not sure what was in there. Could be maggots, could be pieces of human flesh, but whatever it was, shit was NASTY. Y’all are lucky I couldn’t find a picture of it because NOW, the internet has standards, apparently.

-We close on the cops throwing Meep’s beaten and dead body at Jimmy’s feet, and he gets pretty choked about it. Jimmy gon’ go to war with the cops now? It would appear so.

So, two episodes into FreakShow and it is already living up to the AHS formula. The more ridiculous, the better and I here for ALL of it. Good luck guessing what will go on next week; I stopped doing that last season.

American Horror Story: Freak Show S04E01 – Monsters Among Us

The fourth volume of the American Horror Story anthology was rolled out on Wednesday as Freak Show began with “Monsters Among Us”, and it was 90 minutes long, which was a nice little bonus. It did everything that a good premiere was supposed to do, setting the table for what should be a creepy season. Let’s go….

-I wanted that milkman to die so bad in the opening scene. You walk in the house because you see some spoiled milk, then you find the body in the kitchen. Instead of going to the cops, you go upstairs with a rolling pin. What did you think you were gon’ do with that? Lucky for him, he only found a pair of conjoined twins hiding in an upstairs closet. Only in American Horror Story would that be considered lucky.

-Sarah Paulson is about to ball out this season. You could argue that she has been the best part of the last two seasons, Asylum and Coven, but she gets hidden behind the likes of Jessica Lange, and now Angela Bassett and Kathy Bates. She has been nominated for Emmys in each of the last two seasons, but this could top both of those roles. She is playing twins, but both have their own traits and really, they couldn’t be more different. Paulson should absolutely dominate Freak Show. She is just lovely.

-But it isn’t like the rest of the cast is hot garbage or anything. Lange does her thing as always, and revealing that she had fake legs at the end of the episode was pretty good, I had been trying to figure out what her hook was as Elsa, the leader and de facto star of this traveling circus and of course, she had to do a musical number because, well, Ryan Murphy does Glee and he wrote (along with co-creator Brad Falchuk) this episode, which he also directed. That better be it for the season. I basically threw Asylum in the bushes because of that “Name Game” bullshit.

-Evan Peters spent most of Coven being a braindead plaything for the witches, but he figured to be more prominent as Jimmy, who has lobster claw-type things for hands, he spends his time giving women orgasms with them and ends up rounding up the crew to carve up a cop who tries to arrest Bette and Dot (the Paulson twins) for the murder of the woman in the opening scene. We find out that was their mother and she kinda deserved it. Anyway, we will get more of Peters this season and I am not sure how I feel about that. He was good in Murder House, not so much in Asylum (but I didn’t like much from Asylum outside of Paulson and Lily Rabe, who better show up on Freak Show) and he didn’t have much to do in Coven outside of getting touched by his mother.

-Bates plays his mom in Freak Show and while she might not touch him (and that is a big “might”), she can definitely grow a better beard. Bates plays Ethel, who is all about Elsa and thinks she is doing the best for these characters, but Jimmy wants to leave, so that will be a running conflict throughout the series.

-What’s up with the rich mother played by Frances Conroy and her son? It has been suggested (shoutout to Lindsay) that there is something wrong with him as well, and that isn’t a bad suggestion. But there is definitely something up with them.

-Man, did they ever mess up that nurse that Elsa drugged when she first went to visit the twins. Just an opium-fuelled mess of hands and organs and flexible bodies and she walked out that bitch lookin’ like Courtney Love in her heyday. Good grief.

-And finally, the star of the show. We saw and heard all sorts of things about Twisty the Clown, and I thought we would only get a glimpse of him in one of the final scenes. NOAP. We see him first run up on this couple trying to have a romantic picnic, and he stabs the shit outta the dude, then his girl starts to run and I gotta say, fuck her. She didn’t even have heels on, yet trips over a blade of grass. Ol’ girl fell over easier than a Spanish soccer player. But he doesn’t kill her, he just locks her in a cage in his creepy trailer-van. She is later joined by a little boy that Twisty takes after he kills his parents, and the sight of him in the shadows as his victim goes to the bathroom was the scariest part of the episode. So he has these people in the cage and tries to do some tricks, but he looks like he has a face over his face (for real, look at those teeth, tho), so they’re kinda upset and he starts freaking out. He finds the travelling circus and has this look of, like….it’s either that he finds some like-minded strange people (he does see them cutting up the cop), or he has found a bunch of new and potential victims. That will be another storyline for the first part of the series.

I had been waiting for American Horror Story to kick off again, and “Monsters Among Us” was satisfying. I assume Angela Bassett will show up next week, so I am looking forward to that. It should be another fun season.