The Walking Dead has been hot garbage the last few weeks, basically since the second episode of Season 7, but of course, it picks up with “Sing Me A Song”, just in time for next week’s midseason finale because that’s what this show does. Let’s go…..
-We open with Michonne walking down a road, where she finds the pile of burned mattresses, and then she kills two walkers that served as a nice callback to when we first met her, with her walkers on leashes. Meanwhile, Rick and Aaron, aka New Daryl, get out of a truck and see something down the road they’re on. Everyone stays tryna be Daryl on this show. Probably won’t work out for anyone but Daryl.
-A pair of Saviors are shooting the shit, waiting for some walkers to move out of their way, but we find Jesus and Carl in the back of their truck. Jesus jumps out of the truck while it’s moving, but Carl decides to stay because he’s a man and has to do this himself….also, he’s not that bright. Carl has large balls, no doubt, but his plan-making skills leave a lot to be desired.
-They get back to the spot and Carl eventually opens fire with a machine gun, killing one and asking for Negan. He shoots another one before Dwight tackles him, but Negan plays good cop….well, kinda….he offers Carl a hand and a tour, and Carl says no, but Negan says he’ll cut off Daryl’s arm if he doesn’t say yes. So kind of a good cop?
-There is some other stuff that happens in this episode, but really, the best part of the whole thing is Negan generally being a shit. He gets the entire factory to kneel to him and Carl is lookin’ at these people like they’re all pusses, then he takes Carl to meet his wives, like, a bunch of them. But here, Negan is smart because what is the best way you’re gon’ soften up a slightly-teenaged kid…..hell, a grown-ass man as well? That’s right: offer them titties and beer. Rick ain’t offer Carl none of that. If there was one moment in this episode that Carl may have thought, hey, maybe Negan ain’t all that bad, it was right here.
-Then he goes to Sherry, Dwight’s ex, and gets the news that one of his wives, Amber, got one of his men, Mark, to avoid his work and be with her. Here is where Jeffrey Dean Morgan really shines, where he straddles the line between being a cartoon character with how over-the-top he is……but then you get the feeling that he’s gon’ kill everyone in that room, even though he mentioned that he has never laid a hand on any of the women. However, Amber knows that something bad is gon’ come, and poor Mark….he doesn’t even know it yet. Meanwhile, Dwight brings in Daryl with a vegetable tray from Sobeys or some shit.
-Next, Negan gets Carl to show him his eye, or rather, his lack of an eye, and oooooooooh boy…..JDM was on fire here. “That is disgusting” was my favorite part of the rant, and then it’s even better when he apologizes to Carl, who is crying because Negan is really havin’ a time the eye jokes.Actually, that’s a lie, the best part is that Negan tells him, “I wanna touch it” through a hearty chuckle, and if I’m not mistaken, that’s the second time someone on The Walking Dead has wanted to touch it, and I mean…..COME ON. And Negan is kinda sympathetic, but he doesn’t let Carl cover it up because it’s rad. Not only that, he gets Carl to sing him a song, “You Are My Sunshine” because that’s what Lori sang to him, and Carl explains the story of him shooting Lori before he turned. I really get the idea that Negan actually likes Carl, like, might wanna be his Big Brother or some shit, which would be the most perverse Big Brothers pairing ever.
-Let’s take a little break from Negan being a dick to talk about Rick and Aaron, who stumble upon a buncha warning signs from someone telling them that they’ll only find trouble if they go forward, so obviously they have to go forward and besides, they have one day to round up shit before Negan returns, or so they think. Meanwhile, Spencer and Father Bitchass are out scavenging, and FB has really had enough of Spencer’s bitching, calling him a tremendous shit and then gets outta the car to walk back to Alexandria. The best part is that he looked in his eyes the whole time, and you KNOW you’re a punk when Father Bitchass knows you ain’t gon’ do nothing. Then Spencer finds a walker hung up with a bow, he gets it down and finds a note in his pocket in Latin, and this is about to be some ol’ bullshit. I was praying the walker fell on his head.
-Rosita yells at Eugene and calls him a coward for not making her bullet, and while she brings up a lot of great points, fuck her because her plan is fucking terrible and could get a lot more people killed. She’s basically risking everyone else’s lives for Abe, who moved on to the next girl right in front of your face. And is Rosita even a good shot? Goddammit, these people make some awful, awful plans.
-Dwight and Sherry are back to smoking, and she regrets their deal with Negan, but such is life. I think she might be at the top of the “Who will double-cross Negan” Power Rankings. It would be Sherry, with Dwight closely behind, Daryl doesn’t count because he’s just broken and I think he even threatens Negan in this episode because he still ain’t learned. Anyway, Fat Joey is third on the list because they fat-shame him all the time. And Sherry is definitely #1 on the list because Daryl gets a note with a key on the back in his cell, and it says, “GO NOW”. She did that shit.
-But OH, speaking of fat-shaming, that’s nothing. Carl says some shit about Negan is afraid to kill him because he already would have, so Negan and ’em roll out (with Jesus on top of the truck because the Saviors are just terrible at noticing anything happening with their vehicles) and head to Alexandria. Negan meets Olivia, who says that they’re running low on supplies and that they’re practically starving. Negan starts laughing because, well, let’s just say Olivia doesn’t look like she’s starving, then as she is crying, tries to have sex with her, to which she slaps him and leaves. Yeah man, Negan ain’t here for your feelings. Your feelings are there to amuse him. His performance alone makes this the best episode of the season.
-Then he finds Judith, and the episode actually ends with Negan, sitting on Rick’s porch, holding his (well, Shane’s) baby, contemplating killing Rick and Carl and taking over their house and chatting with the neighbors. Mental warfare is Negan’s game, although we’ve seen that he’s pretty solid at the physical game as well.
-And no, I didn’t forget that he ironed Mark’s face like a dress shirt. Like Amber said, she knows he’s an asshole and it wouldn’t end well for anyone. Mark passed out and pissed himself and everything, and Negan got Daryl to clean it up. But hey, rules are rules are rules.
-Some other stuff was happening in this episode, starting with Michonne, who set up a trap for one of the Saviors driving down the street. After a brief scuffle, Michonne orders the woman to take her to Negan. Now, I have slightly more confidence in her Negan plan over Carl’s or Rosita’s, but not a whole lot. After all these go wrong, I want Negan to sit down and evaluate these plans on a grading scale. I’m sure he’d have all sorts of quips. Rick and Aaron find a houseboat that is surrounded by walkers, so someone has to be out there. And Rosita, Eugene and Spencer get back to Alexandria, where they find Negan and ’em. Spencer’s Latin knowledge tells him that letter reveals a buncha supplies and guns because why the fuck wouldn’t it. If they make either him, or Father Bitchass, pull off some Carol-type shit to save everyone, I’ma throw my hands up so damn fast.
Anyway, this was the best episode of the season for me, which doesn’t say a whole lot because I’ve thought most of this season was a steaming pile of zombie skin. But I think it’s safe to say JDM is the MVP of Season 7 regardless of what happens. Next week’s finale is slated to be almost 90 minutes, their sixth extended episode of the season because AMC is getting all the commercial money (and good on ’em). Whose plan is gon’ blow up in their faces first? Who will die? Someone gotta die, I would think, and the Dwight/Sherry double-cross plan will probably start to take shape. And where the fuck is King Zeke and the tiger?
I hope Daryl dies. I REALLY hope he does.