One episode left in Game Of Thrones, and it’s not gon’ end the way you think it’s gon’ end. There will be a few people that will be fine with the ending, but Game Of Thrones has gotten so big that people just want it to be the way they want it to be.
It’s not that. Just enjoy it.
-Watching the “Previously On Game Of Thrones” part, and that last look Dany gave the camera…if you didn’t know what it was about to be, that’s on you.
-We open with Varys straight snitchin’ on Jon’s real back story, and one of his little spies is like, she won’t eat because of Missandei’s death, but she also thinks the Unsullied is on to her. Varys about to send this little girl to die. Then he tries and convince Jon to take the Iron Throne because of lineage and all that, and Jon is like, nah, that’s my queen, yo. Also, Jon ain’t about that responsibility life, even though he is probably the best person for the job. That being said, that is a low-ass bar.
-Tyrion sees all this and is like, how can I avoid death by one more day because I keep fuckin’ up? He runs on Dany on some more snitchin’ shit, and she says Jon, but Tyrion is like, actually, it’s Varys and Dany went through the whole snitchin’ tree until she got to Jon. Dany is about to go on tilt, b. You had to have seen this coming.
-Dany looks a mess. You can’t tell me Missandei wasn’t doing her hair.
-Varys is tryna get these letters off when Grey Worm and the squad come down, and he knows what time it is. They lead Varys into a cave, he looks at Tyrion like, you raggedy bitch, and accepts his fate. Tyrion even admitted it and Varys is like, BITCH, I KNOW, GET YOUR HAND OFF ME. No point in even tryna reason with Dany at this point. They burn Varys up, then she has a moment where she gives Grey Worm something of Missandei’s, and he throws that shit in the fire. So, Dany knows she got a real one watching her back. No time for this sentimental shit.
-Dany tells Jon that he shouldn’t have told Sansa shit, and the North don’t love her like that, shouts to Draymond Green and Paul Pierce. She tries to get some secks poppin’, but Jon is like, we probably shouldn’t do this for a number of reasons. Dany is like, welp, alright then, I see where we are, then. Yup, everyone is gettin’ got.
-Tyrion still tries to appeal to Dany, saying something about a bell, which means the city surrenders and mercy and all that. Dany don’t care, though. She is her father’s daughter, Ain’t no mercy. She tried to be nice before. And then she hits Tyrion with, I know you tried to sneak Jaime out, too, and I’ll kill you if you try that shit again. Tyrion just wants to die at this point.
-Jon and Tyrion meet Davos in, I dunno, Dragonstone? I have no idea where he is. Is that still Dragonstone? I don’t care. Jon is like, you need to get everything ready now, we ridin’. Tyrion more or less asks Davos to smuggle Jaime out of wherever he is, which is bold of him. Tyrion also tries to speak to the Unsullied, and they’re like, nah, bitch, we speak English. It’s like me in Montreal when I try to do a little bit of French, and I know the other person speaks English, but they just wanna fuck with me a little. Shoot, if I knew another language, I would, too. Tyrion and Jaime have a great scene, Tyrion tells him where to go to not die, and for the love of God, talk some sense into Cersei. If nothing else, Tyrion is a Lannister: fiercely loyal to his family, even though they definitely don’t deserve it. Jaime, to a lesser extent as well. Cersei, NOAP. If that is the last scene that Peter Dinklage and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau have together, it was fantastic. The heartstrings were pulled. Jaime was all Tyrion had, and Jaime did genuinely love him, as no one else would. And he knows that Dany is gon’ kill him for this when she finds out.
-Zoom in on that bell, because the episode is called “The Bells”. We have Euron and their giant crossbows, ready to go, waiting for Dany, and everyone is piling into the Red Keep. Arya and the Hound are in the crowd, along with Jaime, and that’s not a good start for the Lannister army. Jaime just walkin’ around with a big-ass gold hand and shit. Armies are marching. Cersei finally appears at her perch, sans wine, so you know it is an occasion. They close the gates on people, and that damn near starts a riot, so obviously, Jaime dips off.
-Dany swoops in from the back and starts roasting the Iron Fleet or whatever they’re called, and this shit wouldn’t even be a fair fight if she still had even two dragons. They can’t seem to hit Drogon at all, and he is just BBQin’ mufuckas at will, mans was Steph Curry in Game 6. Grey Worm, Jon and Davos got their squad, but Drogon is like, nah, fire for EVERYONE. So their army rushes in and gets to choppin’. Grey Worm is on a MISSION, bruh. I have no idea where these Dothraki came from, because I thought they all died at Winterfell, but whatever, man. Truth be told, though, they aren’t needed. Dany and Drogon are having their way with the capital, just indiscriminate burning of shit.
-We have spent seven seasons yelling for Dany to use the dragons. She even did it once a season, someone was gettin’ burnt up. But now, she uses the dragons and people are like, innocent people, blah blah blah. Man, y’all don’t care about those people in King’s Landing. Get outta here with that. This is absolutely her character. Everyone kept saying she wasn’t her father, but she has shown enough to me in seven-plus seasons that yes, yes she is.
-Cersei hears Drogon, sees the city burning and is like, hmmmm, this is not how I planned it. She’s adamant though, even though Qyburn is like, we are getting are ASSES KICKED right now. Jon, Grey Worm, Davos and company roll up on some Lannisters as Tyrion surveys the damage. Jaime is still headed for Cersei. Drogon is mad. The Lannisters lay down their swords. Everyone surrenders, people start yelling to ring the damn bell and Cersei is like, for real? Y’all some bums. Everyone is looking at the bell for like, two minutes, and then it sounds. And you think that’s it.
-Dany is like, NOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. This is where my father died, this is where I almost died, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAP, FIRE FOR EVERYONE AND WHERE IS CERSEI AT? Jon is confused, and Grey Worm is like, well, their swords are on the ground anyway, let’s get it. And yo…..Drogon is literally zig-zagging and burning untold numbers of mufuckas, man. It was FANTASTIC. Tyrion, Jon, all y’all, stop being surprised. This was always on the table.
-Jon goes into slo-mo mode, kids are laying on the ground and shit, he stays killin’ people though. It’s literally the only thing Jon is good at. Drogon continues to fuck shit up. Euron and Jaime fight in a weird, I dunno, I didn’t really expect it, but anyway, they do that, Drogon is puttin’ up 48 points per game on King’s Landing on some “LeBron in Boston in Game 6 in 2012” shit. Easily the MVP of this episode. Jaime and Euron are still fighting, Jaime wins, even though he got stabbed at least twice. That’s fine. Did we really care about Euron? If you do, you’re a bad person.
-Qyburn tries to take Cersei somewhere safe, and then we get back to Jaime and Euron, and I told you how it ends, but damn, this is still going. Euron also says that he is the man who killed Jaime Lannister, and I mean….just hold on to that for a minute.
-Arya and the Hound finally get to the Red Keep, and the Hound wants Arya to leave and not worry about revenge on Cersei, as he waits for the Mountain. He makes a good point. The Hound has been powered by revenge, and he doesn’t want Arya to end up like him. Which is wonderful, given their history. She even thanks him with his government name.
-The Red Keep is falling. Oh, in the last scene, we saw that green dragonfire that we last saw when Cersei burnt up Religious Bernie Sanders. Apparently, Cersei didn’t use it all. Anyway, the Hound runs into his brother, Cersei and everyone, and he kills the Kingsguard like it was nothing. Cersei orders the Mountain to stay with her, and Qyburn tries to intervene, and he gets thrown into some rocks. Cersei is like, I can see this is a family thing, so if you don’t mind, (and this is some real Scotian shit), I’ma just sneak right by ya and go about my business. Also, the judges will accept, “skootch”. Anyway, people get CleganeBowl, so there, y’all got something, good grief.
-Cersei is wandering around, hearing dragons and wanting wine, and of course, Jaime finds her. They have their little moment as the Red Keep is falling down on them, while CleganeBowl is going on, and the Hound quickly realizes that, I can stab him hundreds of times, but it doesn’t matter, because he is practically a zombie. Mans walks down the steps like Thanos and shit, and proceeds to start messin’ up the Hound, and Arya probably hears it because she’s special like that. Arya runs through King’s Landing like an obstacle course, as the Hound is meeting his end, the Mountain is just wildin’ on him.
-Drogon is STILL fuckin’ shit up.
-The Mountain starts to dig out the Hound’s eyes, until the Hound stabs him in the eye with a knife, which is just a minor inconvenience. But the Hound sacrifices himself to take the Mountain down into the fire that is ALL of King’s Landing. That was always gon’ end in a draw.
-Jon and Davos tries to get everyone to fall back because Drogon, well, let me rephrase (and I’m not going back to change past references), Dany is outchea wildin’ out. Arya wakes up a hot mess, but she ain’t dead. She tries to lead some woman and her child to safety, but that ends in some Drogon hot fiya for ya face. Seriously, this Drogon performance is incredible. Jaime and Cersei get to, I believe where Tyrion told Jaime to go, and Cersei is like, I want our baby to live. Yeah, missus, I think it’s a little late for all that. The Red Keep collapses and it is presumed that they’re dead now. I mean, Game Of Thrones has done this before, with Stannis and not showing us his death. Truth be told, this is probably my biggest issue with this season, is that I didn’t see Cersei die. I’m black and white with Cersei: I either wanted her to win, or to die viciously and bloodily. Jaime, meh, I’m fine with that.
-And that being said, I’m not 100% they’re dead. I don’t know why, I’m probably wrong. But I don’t.
-Arya looks around at the carnage, and is like, maybe I should try this whole lady shit that Gendry was talkin’ about. But nah, she got bigger fish to fry now. And then she finds a horse and rides the fuck off like a G.
I had a big conclusion written, but it didn’t save before I published. So, I’ll try to remember everything I wrote (which obviously isn’t happening). Sansa is gon’ be back at Winterfell like, I TOLD Y’ALL SHE CAN’T BE TRUSTED. Someone has to take to Dany out before she turns on Jon and the Starks, and my money is probably on Arya, but I wouldn’t bet against Bran gettin’ his Raven on. Tyrion probably doesn’t make it out alive. If I had a guess, Sansa is left standing. I really don’t care at this point, though. I literally don’t care about opinions and “facts” and theories or any of that. 80 minutes to go, and I’m going to enjoy it. I suggest you do, too, or else, what are we doing this for?