Tag Archives: The Hound

Game Of Thrones S07E01- Dragonstone

The king is back. It seems like forever that the sixth season of Game Of Thrones had ended, but here we are, kicking off Season 7 with “Dragonstone”. There is no sense bitching about it being a shorter season (the episodes are longer, though); just sit back and enjoy these next seven weeks, because Season 8 ain’t gon’ be out for a long-ass minute. Let’s go……

-Suppose we should talk about the beginning first, yeah? It’s always fun with GOT kicks off right away with a scene, instead of the credits. Here, we have Walder Frey, who is doing something for his people and giving them their second feast within a fortnight. So obviously, you should know something is about to go down. Remember, we last saw Walder getting his throat cut by Arya in the same manner as her mother. And also, why would you think that Walder friggin’ Frey would do anything nice for anyone? As soon as he told his daughter/wife beside him not to drink the wine, I was like, yup, he’s poisoning them. That alone makes Arya the MVP for this episode. She walked out that joint like Antonio Banderas in the bar scene in “Desperado”.

-We’ll finish her off now as Arya stumbles upon some Lannister soldiers in the woods, and they share her rabbit meat and wine with her. Also, Ed Sheeran shows up and he is singing his new song, apparently. Maisie Williams (Arya) is a big fan, and he loves the show, so they hooked her up. It’s not a big deal, everyone. He was on screen for like, 45 seconds. You’ll be fine. Anyway, she tells them that she’s going to kill the Queen, and everyone laughs after a second. Oooooooh, if only y’all knew.

-Who is left on Arya’s kill list? Cersei, FrankenMountain, Melisandre, Beric Dondarrion and Thoros, and Ilyn Payne. You’ll know who they are when you read about ’em.

-Alright, on to Cersei, who is making a giant war map of Westeros to figure out her next plan, which likely involves killing everyone and everything. Jaime tells Cersei that they need allies because everyone is against them, but Cersei isn’t shook, she’s all about creating this dynasty. She also knows that Tyrion is with Dany, who wants the throne back, and Jaime says that they’ll be going to Dragonstone, which is where she was born, and there is deep enough water for her ships to drop anchor. So Cersei is like, you want allies? Cool. She calls up Euron Greyjoy, who is now the king of House Greyjoy and apparently, he got his 1000 ships made, which makes no sense as half of his people left with Yara and Theon, but hey, details, schmetails. Jaime isn’t a fan of this plan as he doesn’t think much of the Greyjoys, both as being loyalty or when it comes to fighting. However, he did want to stab Euron then and there after Euron, following a marriage proposal to Cersei, said that he was there with ships and two good hands. Jaime had to bite his tongue like shit. Euron then says that he’ll be back with a gift, and I assume that gift is Tyrion’s head. He said earlier that Cersei should try killing her brother as he did, and it feels good. Also, Yara and Theon are with Dany and Tyrion, so there is that.

-On to the Citadel, which is where Sam is learning to be a maester, but really, nah. All he does is serve food that looks like actual shit, and then he cleans the actual shit, and plays librarian. He wants to move the process along, but the Archmeister, even though he believes that Sam has seen the White Walkers, tells him to chill and that the Wall will stand as it always has. However, Sam steals a kep and gets a book that tells him there is a bunch of dragonglass underneath Dragonstone. Sam was told this by Stannis, who took over Dragonstone, but he didn’t believe. Sam is collecting bowls of food when he is grabbed by an arm that looks all sorts of fucked up, and the person asks if the Dragon Queen was back yet. That’s gotta be Jorah, right? That arm looked mighty greyscaled. I’m not going back to look at the silhouette, but I’d bet that it’s Jorah.

-Let’s head to the North next, where Jon Snow wants everyone ready for war and that they need dragonglass. Some dude is like, really, the women though? Lyanna Mormont steps up and like, yeah, b, us too, you got a problem with that? She’s so good. I can see her getting some sort of nomination for something if she gets a lot of speaking parts this season. Jon also wants to work with the Umbers and Karstarks, although Sansa is against it as their former leaders fought with Ramsay Bolton, but they’re dead now, as Jon points out. Jon and Sansa have a public tiff which they really should have talked about before they went into this meeting. But Jon is right for the most part because they really need every single person for this war, which is and has always been the overarching story of Game Of Thrones. All this petty shit won’t mean anything when the White Walkers come.

-Oh, before I forget. We see the White Walkers, led by the Night’s King. They’re walking. They’re white. They have mufuckin’ giants, bruh. GIANTS.

-Back to the North, where Jon and Sansa go back and forth about how to rule, and Sansa wants him to watch out for Cersei, which again, is petty and will be the downfall of Cersei and Sansa. Definitely Cersei, who sends a letter telling the North to bow to her. Also, Brienne and Pod are sparring with swords, well, Brienne is actually just kicking his ass until Tormund shows up and starts giving her the “when you gon’ let me get a shot at the title, girl” eyes. Brienne goes to Sansa and says that she doesn’t trust Littlefinger, who showed up earlier, and Sansa doesn’t trust him either, but they need men as they did against Ramsay. Sansa also says she knows what Littlerfinger wants, so her and Brienne have something in common: these men won’t leave us alone, dammit.

-The Hound is riding around with Beric Dondarrion and Thoros, and they find a house to chill in for the night because it’s damn cold. The Hound is like, these people don’t want us here and if you watched the “previously on Game Of Thrones” part, you’ll know that he and Arya ran across this farmer and his daughter way back in Season 4. Anyway, they’re dead now and the guess is that the farmer killed himself and his daughter before they starved to death. The Hound asks Beric why the Lord of Light keeps bringing him back to life because there isn’t anything special about him. Beric is like, dude, I don’t know, I ask myself that shit every day. But then he and Thoros tell the Hound to look into the fire, which is hilarious because we all know how the Hound feels about fire, and he sees the Wall, and the army of the dead marching, which startles the fuck outta him. So now, he’s starting to get it, well, get something, at least. Then, he goes out and buries the farmer and his daughter with Thoros’ help. What a nice guy.

-At the Wall, Meera and Bran show up to Castle Black, and Edd greets them, but is skeptical about who they are. Bran says that he knows that Edd has seen the White Walkers and that he fought with Jon, and Edd is like, seems about right. He lets them in. Bran still can’t walk. Meera gotta be tired as shit draggin’ his big ass around.

-Finally, we get to Dragonstone, where Dany, Tyrion, Grey Worm, Missandei and the crew show up. Not much happens here, although we get that Dany is home. They walk silently throughout the place, and they get to the throne room, where Dany looks at the battle board and says to Tyrion, “shall we begin?”. It’s about to be fuckin’ ON.

And that was the first episode of what is setting up to be a massive, massive season of Game Of Thrones. This episode was 59 minutes, and so will next week, and outside of Episode 4, all of the episodes are of extra length. There are a few characters left to catch up on, such as Lady O (aligned with Dany and Cersei is not happy about it because she has all the food). Melisandre is somewhere catfishing people. Cersei is also lookin’ to get back to Dorne and get at the Sand Snakes, too, because petty lives matter. But really, if it ain’t about the Great War, I’m not tryna hear it.

Welcome back, Game Of Thrones. You’ve been missed.

Game Of Thrones S06E08 – No One

We’re officially in the homestretch of Game Of Thrones‘ sixth season with “No One”, and things are set up for a wild final two episodes. Too bad that I liked everything about this episode, except the storyline that sparked the title. Let’s go…..

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-Let’s start with Riverrun, because there’s a whole buncha shit goin’ on in those streets. Brienne and Pod da Gawd got there to holla at the Blackfish, but they realize that the Lannister army is there as well, and the Freys, but they’ve already proven to not be worth a damn. They’re surrounded quickly by Lannister people, and Brienne tells them that she wants to speak to Jaime, and she has his sword. So she goes to meet him in a tent, while Bronn sees Pod and starts fuckin’ with him, making jokes and he offers to teach him how to fight. I wonder how many times he has pulled that “look at your stance” joint….that shit is the “are your shoes untied” of Westeros, I bet. Jaime and Brienne’s meeting was fine enough. Brienne needs help for Sansa and her battle, but Jaime is like, we’re kinda fighting Blackfish right now, so if you can just take a number. Brienne at least gets Jaime to let her talk to the Blackfish and Jaime was like, cool, I’ll let him leave, but he gotta be out by nightfall and when Brienne tries to give him back his sword, he denies her. Then Brienne pulls some shit about having to fight him if the Blackfish won’t surrender because of her oath to Catelyn Stark, and if I’m Jaime, I’m like, well give me back my sword, then. What kinda shit is this? I suppose the name of the sword is Oathkeeper, but still, gotta let some shit slide, Brienne. And that is why she’ll die at some point. Anyway, she goes to the Blackfish and tries to talk to him, and he’s like naaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Even when she brings up Sansa, Blackfish is like, I’d love to, but I got some thangs goin’ on right now and I can’t spare it. So she sends a raven to tell Sansa it’s a no-go, but Sansa is already on the horn to Littlefinger, because we all think she was writing the letter to him last week, right? Right.

Jaime then goes to Edmure Tully, who is kinda being a dick and Jaime tells him that he has a son with Roslin Frey, and if he can convince the Blackfish to get out, Jaime will let them live out their days at Casterly Rock. Edmure is still kinda being a dick and then Jaime tells him about being Catelyn’s captor, and he came to respect her for her love of her children, which is why he loves Cersei and basically, he’ll kill every Tully in here (word to Riley Cooper, look it up) to get back to her. Bruh, he said he would catapult his son off the castle. So Edmure obviously changes his mind and goes to the Blackfish, who doesn’t want the guards to even open the drawbridge, but they do. Edmure orders that they surrender to the Lannisters because technically, his pops was Hoster Tully (Catelyn’s pops as well), so Edmure is the Lord of Riverrun. He allows the Lannisters and Freys to come in, put their banners up, pictures on the wall, feet all on their couch, spillin’ popcorn on the floor, all that. Then he orders the Blackfish to be in chains, and the Blackfish refused to leave with Brienne instead, instead opting to fight. It is reported that he died, but I ain’t see the fight, so it didn’t happen. The shit ends with Brienne and Pod leaving on a boat, and she and Jaime wave to each other. That was kinda underwhelming…..I want more Jaime and Brienne, but I guess purposes have to be served. And Sansa definitely isn’t getting the help of Riverrun now as Jaime pointed out that she is still a suspect in Joffrey’s death.

-Over at King’s Landing, the Faith Militant want to see Cersei and they’re led by Cousin Lancel, who lowkey started all this shit in the first place. Lancel tells Cersei that the High Sparrow wants to see her and she’s like, nah, tell him to come to me. Lancel tells her that if she doesn’t come nicely, there might be violence and Cersei is like, what, you don’t see FrankenMountain behind me? I choose violence, she says, which seems like something she has said before and even if she didn’t, she has definitely thought it. One of the dudes tries to step to him, but his sword got stuck in FrankenMountain’s armor. FrankenMountain then picks the dude up and throws him, and then rips off his head and Lancel is like, you know what? Maybe we’ll come back later. Then Cersei goes to the Great Hall to find that something is going on and she wasn’t told, but Uncle Kevan tells her she’s not apart of the circle and she can go stand with the regular people. The announcement comes from Tommen that trials by combat are now forbidden, and you knew that was coming after Lancel watched his homeboy get his lid ripped off. He went back to the High Sparrow and was like, nah, we can’t do this, dogg. This puts Cersei at a supreme disadvantage because FrankenMountain is literally all she has. What is she gon’ do now? Qyburn tells Cersei that he had been investigating an old rumor that she had told him about, and the rumor was more than a rumor. I’ve no idea what the hell they’re talking about, but we’ll find out soon enough. All I know is that Cersei is in quite a pickle. What is about to be, a spelling bee? Slam dunk contest? Should be interesting.

-Over to Meereen, where the Red Priestesses are telling everyone that Dany was sent by the Lord of Light to stop slavery (which isn’t really working out for her), while Tyrion and Varys are scheming, as they’re known to do. They’re skeptical on putting these “fanatics” in a position to control the people and well, they should maybe look over to King’s Landing to see how that is working out for them. Anyway, Varys says he’ll go on a secret mission to recruit people to help Dany when she gets to Westeros….but how do they know she’s going there? She should and I hope she does, but I’m not saying shit until she does. Anyway, he leaves and Tyrion goes to hang with Grey Worm and Missandei, and he gets them to have a drink with him, Missandei, at least. He also wants jokes and Missandei tries to tell one and Grey Worm is like, that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard in my life and I’m like, dogg….she wants to fuck with you and you ain’t got no dick….AND NOW YOU’RE SHITTING ON HER JOKES? Apparently, that was him making a joke and Missandei, who is LIT off one sip of wine, starts laughing and he smiles at her. I bet Missandei would destroy a bottle of Boone’s wine. That, or some Palm Bays.

But then, they hear the sound of shooting and they see a buncha ships from Astapor, Yunkai and Volantis, firing flaming arrows and all sorts of other shit. They’re killing Meereen and Tyrion is like, well, diplomacy didn’t work, so how about you handle this, Grey Worm? Then they hear footsteps on the roof of the pyramid and the guards go to investigate, but they bow….it’s Dany, who came back with Drogon and man, she burst in that room like the “All Lives Matter” movement (with their bullshit, but anyway). That shit was hilarious. All she needed was a cape and to put her hands on her hips. So yeah, Dany back and next week, or maybe two weeks from now, Drogon and his brothers will absolutely get it poppin’. If she can swing it, shoot, there are ships there for the taking, but I fear the dragons will burn the shit outta them.

-Next, we’re in the Riverlands, where the Brotherhood Without Banners are crackin’ jokes after their destruction of Ian McShane and ’em.The Hound rolls up behind them with his axe and ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh, heads were rollin’ all over the damn place. Groins were cut, guts were spilled, all that shit, he went to town on mufuckas. Then he keeps going to find more of them, and he finds Beric Dondarrion, who the Hound killed back in Season 3 in a trial by combat, but he keeps coming back to life because of the Lord of Light and Thoros, who is also there with him. They’re going to hang a few more people involved with the massacre of McShane and ’em, and the Hound is like, lemme kill ’em. Thoros is like, cool, but you can’t butcher them and the Hound is like, normally I’d kill all y’all mufuckas and then, them, but fine, we’ll hang ’em. He probably also realized that he already killed Beric and well, here he is, so what’s the point. He also takes one of the men’s boots because, fuck him.

The Hound chills with the Brotherhood, who want him to join up because he’s a damn beast and that “cold winds are blowingin the North”. Basically, the White Walkers are coming and they need his help, and hopefully, he will. The Hound is a beast, but I don’t know how much he can do against them. Can’t hurt to try, tho.

-Sigh…..finally to Braavos, where Lady Crane is playing Cersei, mourning Joffrey, but this script has been edited to add Cersei’s revenge like Arya suggested. She walks offstage and there is Arya, chillin’, hangin’ out, you know, just bleeding out. She helps Arya because apparently she is a damn EMT on the side….problem #1 with this. Lady Crane then tells Arya that she beat up Bianca, who Arya pointed out as wanting her dead, and then she asks Arya to join the play company and go to Pentos. Arya takes some milk of the poppy (heroin, opium, whatever you want to call it) and goes to sleep, and wakes up to a dead Lady Crane, who was killed by the Waif, who disguised herself as a man. Arya is like, fuck this, and jumps out of a window like Omar on The Wire, and not a sprained ankle, a broken toe, nothing……strike #2. They run through the streets like an old-school samurai movie, and Arya falls down some steps….like, barrel rolls down like, 15 or 20 steps. You know what? I won’t give this a strike, but a strong sideeye. She gets to a darkened room that has a candle in it, and the Waif tells her that she can die on her feet, or on her knees, so Arya takes out Needle and cuts out the flame for strike #3. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO……where did Needle come from and more importantly, why didn’t she pull that shit out from the jump? Good on her realizing that maybe she fought better when she was blind, so she cut out the candle…..but seriously, why not pull that shit out? I’m not watching it again, but this all seems stupid and I’m not buying it.It’s fine, though. It’s okay to criticize Game Of Thrones. It does some stupid shit sometimes. Like, how did she not know the Waif would show up at Lady Crane’s? Arya was so damn sloppy, but of course, they were never going to kill her. Like, EVER.

Then, Jaqen gets to the Hall of Faces and finds a trail of blood, which he follows to the wall and he sees the face of the Waif with her eyes gouged out. Arya is behind him and asks him if he sent the Waif to kill her, which he admits and he’s impressed as she has become No One and can roll with the Faceless Men. Arya is like, man, fuck y’all, I am Arya Stark of Winterfell and I’m going the fuck home. Jaqen smiles and is like, cool, but he’s not done with her. I’m done with this storyline, though. It was a solid idea, but it has gone on long enough and if she just goes home to do whatever, what the hell was this all for?

My biggest, biggest, biggest problem with this, though? We didn’t get to see Arya kill the Waif. We’ve watched this monster of a human being fuck Arya’s whole life up for more than a season. She has kicked her ass with weapons, without weapons, with sight, with no sight, while she was awake, while she was asleep…..for all this, we deserve to see her die. I thought that was kinda cheap. But hey, I’ll live. Now, where will Arya go? No point in going back to Winterfell…..or is there?

Next week, my friends…..”Battle of the Bastards”, and it’s directed by Miguel Sapochink, who is also directing next week’s finale (which is like, 70 minutes long or some shit). Sapochink directed last season’s “Hardhome“, aka the White Walker Party, and he also did the preceding episode, “The Gift“. If he’s at the helm, then I’m thinking the next two episodes are going to be just LOADED with killing and gratuitous violence. I’m not sure if the episode will be centered entirely on Winterfell as GOT tends to do with big battles like Hardhome, and Season 2’s Blackwater, but I have a feeling it will be. We’ll see Jon, Sansa, Ramsay, Rickon, Littlefinger will probably be in the house, Davos, all of them will be prominent, and don’t forget Lyanna and the 62 Mormonts. If not, I’m sure Dany will be a thing, we gotta get back to Bran, and hopefully someone would have killed either Tommen, the High Sparrow or Cersei, because we’re not getting out of this season with one of those three dying; possibly all three. I’m so fuckin’ ready for next week.

Game Of Thrones S06E07 -The Broken Man

“The Broken Man” brought back an old friend to Game Of Thrones. And by friend, I meant “character that was a horrible person, but I was a fan”, which could extend to probably 85% of the characters on this show. Let’s go……

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-I guess we’ll start with that as there was a scene before the opening credits, which has happened, I don’t know, maybe two or three times in the past……the only time I can remember off-hand is the premiere of Season 4, when Tywin Lannister was melting down Ned Stark’s sword into two swords (the name of the episode is “Two Swords”, if you’re wondering). Anyway, we follow a man, watching people tryna get a village started up. I was racking my brain tryna think of who the leader was, and it’s Ian McShane, who I guess you would know from Deadwood, which I’ve never seen and probably never will. I’m sure it’s a fine show, and it was one of HBO’s first BIG shows, but I don’t give nary damn about a western, so I’ll take y’all word for it. Anyway, we pan past all his people and we see the Hound, who I would like to think, no one thought he was dead…..right? Anyway, this whole episode was about Ian McShane, whose name was Brother Ray, apparently, telling us how he saved the Hound and that the gods weren’t done with him yet, and that he’d already been punished for the foul shit he did.

Then later on, some men roll up on horses and I had no idea who they were, but they were from the Brotherhood Without Banners. They had their eyes on the Hound, but they left and the Hound told Ian McShane they’d be back. So he left to go and chop wood, but he was so focused on that wood that he missed the slaughter of an entire village. He ain’t have no headphones on or nothing, just didn’t hear all of the death and destruction that was going on, shit, couldn’t have been that far away. At the end of it, Ian McShane had been hung and the Hound grabs an axe like, shit, y’all turned me BACK into a killer. Ian McShane had said that it’s not too late to change your ways, and he obviously had to die because he doesn’t know this world at all. Game Of Thrones isn’t a show where people change for good….eventually, you go back to being what you are. If you don’t, you’ll probably die. Anyway, the Brotherhood have long had beef with the Hound and his brother (they wanted to execute the latter and they took the Hound in Season 3), who is now FrankenMountain and you would think that the beef is over. As Brynden Tully says later, “as long as I’m breathing, the war is never over”. That shit must be EXHAUSTING. Anyway, I’ll be clear: it was the Brotherhood that did this.

Ol’ boy was going to TOWN on that firewood, tho. Good grief.

-On to King’s Landing, where Margaery is a regular church-goer now, reciting passages to the High Sparrow like she has been doing this her whole life. The High Sparrow (who looks like he has at least washed his face now) asks her why she hadn’t slept with Tommen yet and that they need an heir, and if I’m Margaery, I’m like, the fuck is this WE shit? Shit changes tho, when the High Sparrow is like, you need to convert your grandmother or else, her safety would be in trouble….body and soul. Usually, the High Sparrow is a little more clever with his threats, but he obviously feels himself right now and he might as well had just came out and said, we gon’ kill her if she doesn’t fly right. So Margaery gets Lady O to come visit her, with the Septa taking time out of shaming people and whacking them in jail cells to supervise the meeting. Lady O gets some jokes off as she’s known to do, and then tries to figure what was up with Margaery, who does a masterful job of acting like she’s Team Sparrow, but as she convinces Lady O to leave, she slips a note in her hand mad slick-like. Lady O doesn’t say shit, she takes the note and leaves, and the note has a rose on it, which is the sigil of the Tyrells.

But the main event is Cersei, who takes FrankenMountain with her as she goes to see Lady O off, and man……….WOOOOOOOOOOOO. Lady O spent her remaining screen time in this episode just spittin’ those BARS at Cersei, blaming the shit all on her, telling her that she remembers that smile Cersei hit when Loras and Margaery were captured, that Cersei might die outchea in these streets because she’s surrounded by enemies and that Cersei’s defeat is the only good thing to come from all this. Shit was so venomous…..and the best part is that Cersei couldn’t say shit because all of it is true. Like…..ALL of it. I still need Cersei to get this revenge, but she has to die immediately after that. Such is life in the world of Game Of Thrones.

-Move on to Riverrun, where Jaime and Bronn are marching on his orders to take it back from Brynden Tully, better known as the Blackfish. It’s always fun to have Jaime and Bronn together because funny and sarcastic Jaime is the best Jaime. When he gets with Cersei, she brings him down and that works for her, but not him. They get to Riverrun and the Freys are tryna get Blackfish outta the castle, bringing out Edmure Tully, threatening to hang him and then stab him. Blackfish is like, man, g’head, I don’t even like that dude. And they don’t even do anything. Jaime is disgusted and tells them all to kick rocks, and even backhands a mufucka to let ’em know it’s real. He sets up a meeting with Blackfish and tells him that all will be good if he gives up the castle, but Blackfish says he has two years worth of food and is ready to die for this, and he asks Jaime if he has two years before walking away. Goddamn, that’s thorough.

So I guess Jaime will lead the crew to the doors, and then Brienne comes outta nowhere, since Sansa sent her down there in the first place? That reunion is about to be GOOD. And Bronn might get jealous as he thought he was Jaime’s #1 road dog, but he DOES NOT want those problems with Brienne. But that’s my guess.

-Quick stop in with Theon and Yara, who after making their getaway from the Iron Island, they stopped at a brothel, which could be a buffet of Theon dick jokes if you wanted. Shit, Yara made a couple and Theon was like, man, come on, and she was like, fine. But she made him drink ale and basically told him that if he’s going to roll with her, he needs to suck it up and for lack of a better phrase, get some balls about him (although he might still have those….y’all know what the fuck I mean). The title of the episode, I think, is about Theon, who has been broken down as much as anyone in this show (it could also be about the Hound, I guess). And besides, she needs him because Yara’s plan is to holla at Dany and team up because she has the ships, and Dany has everything else. She was one of many that heard Euron’s plan and was like, that’s not half bad. I hope she goes about it better than he is planning on doing.

-Up in the North, Jon, Sansa and Davos are going around, tryna find troops to fight the Boltons. They get the wildlings on board because as Tormund says, yo, he ACTUALLY DIED because the Night’s Watch didn’t want them there. Also, Ramsay will kill them after they kill the Night’s Watch, which is true. They go to House Mormont, which is now led by Lyanna Mormont (named after Sansa’s aunt, Ned’s sister and the center of a thousand theories that I don’t care about), who is 10 years old and a feisty little queen, but I suppose to have to be. She shoots down Jon and Sansa, who try to butter her up, but then Davos steps up with a monster of a speech that basically says, for all of this shit, none of it matters because the White Walkers are coming and we’ll have your back then if you have ours now. Lyanna says cool, and as soon as she was done, I thought to myself, this shit is about to be for 100 fighting men. I was optimistic about that…..they have 62 men. But hey, 62 is better than none, and certainly better than what they received at House Glover, who hit them with that “NOAP” and he only let them in because of Ned’s name. Also, Robb Stark didn’t help them when the Iron rolled through and crushed their buildings, so yeah, fuck ’em. Aye dogg, the game is the game. Sansa wants to hold off on attacking Winterfell and Jon is like, nah, we gotta do it now. So we end with Sansa, writing a letter to someone. My money is on Littlefinger, who did say that he had people to back up Sansa if need be and while Sansa threatened his life last time they spoke, at this point, she doesn’t have much of a choice.

-And finally, we get to Braavos, where Arya is tryna figure out a way to get outta there. She bribes a sailor and the plan is to leave at dawn, and she’s walking away and smiling, and we all got a feeling in the pit of our stomachs, didn’t we? And as soon as that old woman approached her, we all knew how this was going down, right? The old woman turns into the Waif and stabs Arya like, 4 or 5 times in the gut, and Arya shoves her away and falls over a bridge into a river. The Waif walks away, which doesn’t seem like something she would do, and Arya pops up out of the water. She manages to get back to the streets, where she is stumbling around and holding her stomach, and I’m like, yo, can SOMEONE fuckin’ help this little bleeding girl or nah? Braavos is a shitty, shitty place, bruh. At this point, I just want Arya to get outta there, go back and get that revenge later, but right now, you ain’t built for this. And what’s with the Waif carrying a nail file to a fight? That knife was little as shit.

So, we have three episodes left in Season 6 and this was a solid episode, directed by Mark Mylod, who did “The High Sparrow” and “Sons Of The Harpy” from Season 5. He’ll direct next week’s as well, which is called “No One”, so Arya is about to be featured. I’m also waiting on the riot/party/fight in Riverrun with Jaime, Bronn, Brienne and Blackfish, and Cersei’s trial by combat with the FrankenMountain might be up next week. We’ll probably check in with Dany, who I fuckin’ hope gets to Meereen soon, and that means Tyrion, Varys and new Melisandre. And do we even care about Dorne anymore? I’m good if we never see it again. Anyway, three to go, so let’s enjoy these Game Of Thrones joints.

Game Of Thrones S04E10 – The Children

So, here we are, the season finale of Game Of Thrones. I’ve been waiting for this all season, and they gave us like, 10 extra minutes? No introduction needed. Let’s go…..

-Jon Snow has a lot of trust in Mance’s people. Just walking up with no sword, no knives, no wolves, like shit is sweet in these Northern snowy streets, but he gets his sitdown with Don Rayder.

-They drink to Ygritte because apparently Mance has some sort of heart under there, but Jon can’t handle what Mance is drinking on. At least Mance says straight up he wouldn’t poison him, and he gives Jon’s man props for killing the last giant. There is some respect among warriors.

-Mance just wants to hide behind the Wall, and dammit, winter is coming….Mance knows all about these white walkers. Just then, a sound is made and the calvary is coming. Who is it?

-Stannis comes through with a whole bunch of mufuckas from both sides, and they are not playing games. Looks like he got the money for his army from the Iron Bank. The aerial view of them rushing Mance’s spot is amazing. I wonder what that looked like on the big screens at the movie theatres this was airing at?

-Stannis and Davos roll up on some gangsta shit like, what up Mance? And what the fuck was that one dude thinking rollin’ up on Stannis like he was gon’ do something?

-Mance doesn’t kneel for anyone, we discover. Tough guy.

-Jon introduces himself to Stannis…..he gets some mercy for Mance, who gets taken away and tells Stannis to burn all the bodies of the dead before winter comes.

-The Mountain is being kept alive by some new maester as Cersei watches, and the old maester, Pycelle, is seemingly gettin’ thrown in the bushes. Is the Mountain even worth saving? Cersei seems to think so because I’m sure she has some evil doing for him to do when he gets better. He says the process may change him; it won’t weaken him. Are we getting Robo-Mountain?

-Cersei goes to holla at Tywin about marrying Loras and she isn’t having it, but Tywin gives no fucks about what she wants. Cersei has some balls about her though. She has already lost Joffrey, her daughter has long been gone (I forgot she was even a thing) and she is getting shipped off while Tywin and Margaery fight over Tommen. Then she threatens him with the shit between her and Jaime. He has always had to know, hasn’t he? It is almost like he wants her to say it, but she does and he still denies it. This is the first time we’ve ever seen Tywin shook, that I can remember anyway.

-Cersei goes to find Jaime, who gets pissed because of the whole Tyrion thing because trying to kill your brother for causing your mother’s death isn’t a big deal, even though it wasn’t really his fault. She kisses him, so we’re about to get some incest lovin’. Hopefully it isn’t rape this time. Alex Graves directed the first rapey episode, the third joint of the season (“Breaker Of Chains“) and he gets this one as well (the fourth of the season for Mr. Graves), so maybe this is him making up for that fuckery. Damn, this is creepy.

-She tells Jaime that he told Tywin about them and Jaime is like, “the fuck?”. Her love for Jaime would be so much less disturbing if they weren’t brother and sister and he wasn’t railing her on a table.

-Dany is still getting through the list of 200-something people who want to talk to her. Some old man rolls up on her like, “Um, can I be a slave again?”. Turns out being free isn’t all it is cracked up to be for the older people. Dany is much better at conquering a city than actually ruling it. She does eventually agree to it. Then another dude rolls up with his dead baby, which was burned by one of the dragons. Dany has been so busy trying to figure out how to be a ruler that the dragons have gotten out of hand. That dragon burned the holy shit outta that three-year-old baby. She doesn’t even know where one of the dragons is. Child services about to roll up on Dany, jeez.

-She goes down to the catacombs where the other two dragons are and puts them in chains, ironically for someone who calls herself the “Breaker of Chains”. But Jorah’s bitch ass called it earlier: you can’t tame a dragon, much less three dragons. When they realize what is going on, those dragons are PISSED. Can you put dragons on timeout? How does that even work?

-They do end up burning the bodies of the Night’s Watch like Jon suggested, and we see a few faces from the battle. While the flames are burning, Jon looks through them to see Melisandre, who has some sort of sinister plans on the go, obviously. She does love her some fire.

-Jon goes to visit Thormund, who is locked up on some Akon shit. Thormund asks Jon if he loved Ygritte, who loved her because all she talked about was killing him. That’s some mufuckin’ true love right there. He also says she belongs in the north, so Jon takes Ygritte’s body there to burn her. RIP Ygritte….I’ll miss your redheaded crazy ass.

-Bran and company are walking through the snow, and Jojen looks like he is about to pass out. He eventually falls, but they make it to that damn tree they keep seeing. But that tree has some protection in the form of crazy skeleton-ass mufuckas coming up out of the ground as they approach said tree. I have no idea if this happens in the book, but I don’t care because this is fucking cool. Bran gets saved by his wolf, then goes into Hodor’s body and Hodor goes into Hodor mode, straight stylin’ on mufuckas. Meera (who I kept wanting to call Osha, who is somewhere with Rickon) is holding her own as well. One of the skeleton dudes stabs the shit outta Jojen, while two skeletons are running after Bran, but some little girl starts throwing some firebombs at mufuckas and tells them to follow her. I think we have seen her before. Meera slits Jojen’s throat so he doesn’t feel any pain and the crew follow the little girl into some cave where the skeleton things can’t pass through.

-The little girl says she is part of the Children; simple enough, right? She tells Bran that some “he” waits for him, and it turns out that he is the three-eyed raven Bran has been looking for this entire time. Jojen knew everything that was going to happen, including his death. Bran asks if he will walk again and dude is like, “Yeah, nah, but you will fly”. That seems like it’ll be something to look forward to next season. Hodor will be happy that he doesn’t have to drag around this giant kid anymore.

-Brienne wakes Pod da Gawd up to find their horses gone, and Pod just can’t get this squire thing down pat. She wanders around to find Arya practicing her sword skills, and Arya tells the Hound to stop shitting (nah, he was actually poopin’ tho) and see what is up. The Hound is like, “This better be important, I was busy”, and Brienne figures out who Arya is. She tells her the story of how she swore to Catelyn that she would bring Arya home, and the Hound thinks she is there for the bounty on him. He knows right away that the sword she has was given to her by a Lannister.

-The Hound is actually trying to protect her, which is endearing considering that they both hate each other on the low. The fight is on and I know one of my favorite characters is going to die either way because the way these two get down, someone gotta die. I’m pretty sure this doesn’t happen in the book, but again, no fucks are given. This fight ends up being a top-ten moment in Game of Thrones history to date. They fuck each other up, the Hound fights dirty, and squeezes her sword to show he is insane. He kicks her in the ass and headbutts her, and she bites his ear off. This is one of the most brutal TV fights ever, but Brienne eventually gets the upper hand and throws him off a cliff.

-Meanwhile, no one knows where Arya is, Pod has lost her because well, Pod is a terrible squire, but she hides and eventually goes to the Hound, who is asking her in a roundabout way to kill him because he is going to die anyway. He does everything he can to goad her into killing him, but Arya won’t, which is more heartless than if she had done it. He does tell her to go find Brienne because she can protect Arya’s stubborn ass. Arya says, “Nah, I’ma just rob you and be out”, but she does like she feels just a little bad for him. The stone-cold look on her face is pretty good; Arya about to be on some Kill Bill shit and I’m okay with that. I’m very conflicted about this. She should have shown him some mercy. He saved her more than a few times. But she’s well on her way to being a badass.

-Am I wrong for having the smallest inkling that the Hound survives? We don’t see him actually die, and I’ve watched enough TV to know that no one is dead until you see them die. Look at his friggin’ brother who is about to be turned into Franken-Mountain. I mean, he probably is, but I don’t think I am being crazy.

-Finally, we arrive at Tyrion’s cell, where Jaime is breaking him out with Varys’ help. The two say some quick farewells and share a hug, and Tyrion looks up the stairs, but he decides he has something to do first. He sneaks into where he thinks Tywin is, and we see his bed, but who is in it? Oh, that would be Shea. Apparently she is going to become the first hoe in history to become a housewife, by hook or by crook (that needs to be a thesis or a study of some sort). The two wrestle over a knife, which eventually gets thrown and he ends up strangling the shit outta her through his tears, and he manages to say, “I’m sorry” a couple times. Yeah, I had a good little chuckle about that. Tyrion, ever so polite…..until he sees the crossbow anyway.

-He finds Tywin in the bathroom (which seems to be a theme of this episode: if you shit, you die). Tywin tries to talk Tyrion down and guesses that it was Jaime that released him. Tywin admits he wanted Tyrion dead, but he admires that he wouldn’t die and says he wasn’t gon’ let them execute him, which is some of the biggest bullshit we’ve heard on Game of Thrones to date. Tyrion tells him that he loved Shea, but he just killed her and Tywin is like, “whatever, she was a whore”, which is the wrong thing to say to someone with a crossbow.  You gotta admire Tywin’s arrogance, he absolutely thinks that Tyrion wouldn’t kill him and all he had to do was NOT call ol’ girl a whore. But Tywin calls Shea a whore again and catches an arrow to the chest, and now he is like, “Oh shit, this is real now”. Tyrion hits him with another arrow and walks away. He gets to Varys, who is like, “The fuck did you do?”. He puts Tyrion on a box which is going on a ship to God knows where, as long as it isn’t King’s Landing, I guess. Varys hears bells ringing, which seems to be some sort of alarm because people have probably found Tywin and Shea’s bodies. He’s like, “yeah, fuck going back there, I’ma just stay on this ship, b”.

-Arya is walking along with her horse, chillin’, and she sees a ship going somewhere, but it isn’t the same shit Tyrion is on. She talks her way onto the ship finds out the ship is going to Braavos. So she is on her way again, this time by herself. Let’s see what you got, girl.

And thus wraps up the best season to date of Game Of Thrones, by a wide, wide margin. People we loved and hated (often, at the same damn time) died viciously, we got some incredible acting performances from basically the entire cast (I honestly can’t decide on an MVP, but I’m leaning towards Peter Dinklage for that speech at the trial and the finale), we still have enough to leaving asking questions about next season and many things to speculate on. I stopped reading after the third book, so I’m back to not knowing what is going on like the rest of y’all (or most of y’all). All I know is that there are some new people coming and we’ll be missing a few old faces, but they left out Sansa and Littlefinger over the last two episodes, so I figure they’ll play a major role in season 5. I assume Cersei won’t be happy about Tyrion being released by Jaime, but with Tywin out of the picture, she can do what she wants now, in theory.

Man, that was fun. I’ma miss doing this every week. Until next season, folks. Thank you so much for reading my rambles, and I’ll try to do better for season 5 of Game Of Thrones.

Before I go, I wanted to shout out the four Game Of Thrones recaps I listened to on a weekly basis: Fiyastarter, The Black Guy Who Tips, A Cast Of Kings and The Bald Move Game Of Thrones Podcast (they do have a site, I need to remember to update this link). They all do other non-GoT stuff as well and you would make your life better by checking them out.

Game Of Thrones S04E08 – The Mountain And The Viper

After the Memorial Day break, Game Of Thrones returns for their homestretch with “The Mountain And The Viper”, which is pretty self-explanatory, but it is safe to say that a lot of other stuff happens. This might be the most packed 54 minutes of the season, which has been, I gotta say, just superb. Let’s go……….

-We open with a prostitute who can burp songs like “The Rains Of Castamere” and “The Bear And The Maiden Fair”. How much does she go for? And are they the only songs we ever hear in this show?

-Then she goes to harass Gilly for no reason, and Gilly hears something coming. The wildlings and the cannibals are here. Ygritte is going so damn hard, but she does let Gilly live and tells her to keep quiet. At least she got to kill that mean prostitute. The blood pouring through the cracks in the floor was fuckin’ cool.

-At Castle Black, Sam is worried that Gilly is dead because he took her there, but what did he expect? Dogg, you took her to a brothel. She did survive a buncha shit (Craster, a walk to the Wall, etc), so she might have made it. Jon figures out that they’re next. 102 people against 100,000….the odds don’t look good for the Night’s Watch.

-The Unsullied are in a river bathing, but so is Missandei and some other girls. It was wonderful. He gets caught staring, but Dany’s girl kinda likes it. But he has no junk though, so……I guess I’m equating the idea of having the sex with the emotions he obviously feels for her (go back to the episode when she was teaching him to read), but don’t we all?

-Dany is apparently a hairdresser as well as she is helping Missandei; a woman of many hats. They try to figure out how/why Grey Worm was interested in seeing the goods, then they wonder if the whole package (“the pillar and the stones”, says Dany) are gone. Missandei wants the Unsullied D, or the lack of D. She wants something, dammit. His mouth does work….I’m just sayin’ (side note: this is the first time in the history of life I’ve used the phrase, “just sayin'”. I generally think it’s friggin’ stupid).

-Grey Worm is putting in some extra work, learning some new words like “precious”, and he says he doesn’t mind getting cut, because he wouldn’t be Unsullied and he wouldn’t have met her. He’ll be face deep in her by the end of the season.

-Ramsey gets Theon ready to go to Moat Cailin and Theon/Reek does a terrible Theon impression as the Ironborn dude doesn’t buy it. The whole place looks like malaria.

-The Ironborn guy calls Theon a woman and a whipped dog. Son spits blood in his face. Someone gotta die after that, don’t they?

-YUP. The fellow Ironborn dude with the ax is like, “We gon’ live, right? Cool. Just keep that crazy mufucka away from us”. Was Theon gon tell him the truth before he got his wig split?

-Yeah, Ramsey killed and burned ALL those mufuckas, b.

-Littlefinger is standing before a jury of people who are tryna figure out what happened to Lysa, and they are straight shittin’ on dude, saying he was licking Tywin Lannister’s boots. They absolutely think he was in on Lysa dying, and they bring in Sansa, who has every opportunity to tell the real truth about Littlefinger, but she finally decides to play the game. Whether she is doing it right or wrong is a different story, but at least Sansa is playing the game after being a pawn for so damn long. Sophie Turner overacts the shit outta this scene, but you know what? It works because it seems like something Sansa would do when she finally decides to step into the game of thrones.

-Littlefinger now wants to use Robin’s power at the Vale to fight the Lannisters, much like Tywin with Joffrey and Tommen. It goes along with the whole “you don’t want to be sitting on the throne” theory. It doesn’t pay to be the King in this show.

-Barrister receives a letter from the Hand of the King (RIP Robert Baratheon), a pardon for Jorah. He has been spying on Dany.  He was the one giving Varys the information to take back to Tywin and ‘em.

-Dany can’t even look at him, she is absolutely livid when he enters her chambers. This is Emilia Clarke’s Emmy scene. She gives off that authority, but she also emotes the hurt when someone close to you betrays you. Remember, Jorah just helped the Usurper, the person that killed her entire family, including her uncle “The Mad King”, this is a betrayal that cuts deep. If he doesn’t leave right now, his head goes in Slaver’s Bay. Those Khaleesi bars. much like the Wu-Tang Clan, ain’t nuthin’ to fuck with.

-Ramsey reports to his father that he got Moat Cailin, and Roose tells him that he is a legit Bolton now, which means Ramsey knows he will eventually succeed his father as they head towards Winterfell. Is there even anything left of Winterfell at this point? Apparently there is because we see it, but that place has to be in all kinds of rough shape now.

-Awwwwwwwwwww, all Ramsey wants is his father’s love, or at least to know that he is now in the succession list. Even though Theon was the one that actually did all the work. This dude has to snap the fuck outta this.

-Littlefinger visits Sansa to see why she lied for him. She has no idea what they would have done with her if he was gone; she gambled on the man she knows, not the strangers she doesn’t, Littlefinger. She also knows that he wants a piece, and she is going to use that now. Cersei told her she would figure it out someday, and she is. To be a woman in the world of Game Of Thrones, you aren’t given many weapons, but there is one that works 11 times outta 10.

-Arya and the Hound approach the Vale. Arya tells the guards who she is, and they learn Lysa is dead. She laughs and laughs and laughs. The Hound did all this for nothing. He is about to be so damn mad. All the people will die, and all the chickens will be eaten.

-Robin doesn’t seem very broken up about his mother dying at all as he walks and talks with Littlefinger. Then Sansa comes downstairs, looking strangely like either Catelyn or Lysa (basically, a grown-up Stark woman) to butter up Robin so she can take over the Vale with Littlefinger. Chips are on the table now, says Sansa: let’s play. FINALLY.

-Tyrion and Jaime are in a cell having a drink, and Tyrion goes on about some “slow” cousin of theirs. That sound they say he makes as he kills beetles is PRETTY damn good. This story goes on way too long, but I think he equates his life with that of a beetle. I’m sure there is more here, but really, I don’t care.

-It’s time for the fight. Oberyn is drinking and wearing no armor, while the Mountain comes in with full armor and a sword as big as Oberyn. Tyrion and Ellaria are both like, “the fuck are you doing?”. Oberyn is cocky as shit. His motivations in this fight are far different than Tyrion’s, who just wants to live. He wants a confession and his revenge for his sister and her children, and he is actually doing very well. He also calls King’s Landing a stinking shitpile of a city, which is pretty good. But still, something isn’t adding up.

-He has the Mountain down and out, but his petty ass wants a confession and you can tell this isn’t going to end well. Basically, he wants the Mountain to implicate Tywin in his sister’s death as well, which has Tywin looking pretty uncomfortable. The Mountain trips him and gets on top of him, digging his thumbs into his eyes and crushes his skull while confessing to everything. The whole damn thing. Tyrion and Jaime are like, WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Tywin and Cersei are partyin’ like shit.

-It was even more brutal watching it the second time. But I am seeing people say this is the most brutal thing we’ve seen on Game Of Thrones. I beg to differ. For me, personally, it was the start of the Red Wedding when ol’ boy stabbed a pregnant Talisa in the stomach to get the shit kicked off. There are a couple of other incidents as well, but maybe I’m just so desensitized to shit now that nothing shocks me. I might make a list when this season is done.

So, “The Mountain and the Viper” lived up to the hype and then some, and I’m kinda thinking now, even though I cursed HBO out for the entire two weeks it was missing, we NEEDED that break. That was a lot of Game Of Thrones to take in. My biggest question about this episode is, did the Mountain actually die? He did take a spear to the chest pretty damn good, and if that’s the case, does Tyrion get to survive? Is there a “who dies first” clause in the whole trial-by-combat thing? Is Oberyn happy now? He got his confession, and he might have actually killed the Mountain.

Two episodes left in Game Of Thrones, and we know the ninth episode is usually when something MAJOR happens. Next week, we know we have the battle at the Wall, but that can’t be all. Get ya shit ready.

Game Of Thrones S04E07 – Mockingbird

After a string of incredible episodes, Game Of Thrones manages to dial it back a bit with “Mockingbird”, although that isn’t to say that is a bad episode; it is just that we have been spoiled this season with at least two candidates for “Best GoT episode ever”. A ton of stuff still happens, too. Let’s go….

-We begin with Tyrion and Jaime, who is chastising his little brother for his tirade at the end of his trial as Jaime had a deal with Tywin to keep him alive. But Tyrion knew that was what Tywin wanted: Tyrion out of sight at Castle Black and Jaime at Casterly Rock continuing the Lannister name, which is why Tywin agreed to it so quickly. We also see how jealous Tyrion is of Jaime, who “could kill a king, lose a hand, fuck your sister…” and Jaime is like, “hold up now, I’m the only mufucka that still likes you, watch ya mouth”. The show is being very explicit in letting us know that people know about Jaime and Cersei, much moreso than the books, I think. It was also good when Jaime hit Tyrion with that “BRILLIANT speech…they’ll be talking about it for days”. I’m sure it felt great for Tyrion to get that off his chest and it made for a helluva speech, but the people won’t remember it for long and it would have been all for naught.

-Tyrion was really angling for Jaime to fight for him, but ol’ One-Hand McRapecest isn’t about that life anymore and after all the jokes, Tyrion realizes that. Especially as he knows who Cersei is looking at to fight for her.

-Man, The Mountain is fucking HUGE. Son kills for fun. That one dude tried to bow for mercy, and The Mountain killed him for no damn reason. The last two blows with the sword didn’t even make any sense. He doesn’t care who he fights at all. I’m not a big fan of the word, but could you be any more of a cunt, Cersei?

-The Hound and Arya roll up on a burned-down farmhouse, and they find a man who is dying of a wound to the stomach. He doesn’t seem to know the people who burned his hut down, and the Hound wonders why he hasn’t killed himself yet to end the pain; at this point, you know Hound is gon’ kill him, this old man doesn’t have the heart to do it himself. It also turns out to be a lesson for Arya as the Hound stabs the old man through the heart, so she knows where it is now.

-This comes in handy as the Hound is attacked by a man who gets his neck snapped for his troubles, although he did manage to bite Hound’s neck. The second attacker tells him the Lannisters have a price on his head for his whole “Fuck The King” steez, and all the killing, of course. He also tells them of Joffrey’s death. Arya recognizes the second attacker from when she was getting taken to the Wall, and he apparently said that he would fuck Arya bloody with a stick, so this won’t end well for him. He tells Hound his name, which gets him on Arya’s little list of death, then he gets Needle in his heart. Cold-blooded Arya reminds me of Natalie Portman in “Leon: The Professional”, which is an excellent movie if you haven’t seen it.

-Jon Snow returns to Castle Black, greeted well by his boys, but not by Allister Thorne, who continues to be a bitchass. Jon tells him and the council that he recommends sealing the tunnel at the Wall to stop the wildlings, and it is probably a good idea, but Thorne isn’t having it. All these dudes are gon’ die because Thorne is a spiteful prick. Nice. I can’t wait for Jon to kill him. That has to happen.

-Bronn is sent to Tyrion, who asks him to fight for him as he did once before, but Bronn is in a good place now. He has some new clothes, and he got hooked up with a girl who will inherit a castle when her sister dies, which Bronn says might happen by accident, because he is shady like that. This is all courtesy of Cersei, who knew Tyrion would ask Bronn, who really wants to help him, but what is in it for him? He’ll probably die fighting the Mountain, and if he somehow beats him, he’ll be fucked up OR Cersei will have him killed anyway. And really, would Tyrion risk his life for Bronn? He has already done it once; twice is asking too much. It was sad to see Bronn leave and say he wants to hear a song one day about Tyrion beating the Mountain. Bronn is a sellsword; he is in this for himself, and Tyrion has to respect that.

-Dany goes to her private quarters, where Daario is waiting with some flowers. Uh…….do you see how big that pyramid is? This mufucka is Spiderman. Basically, he tells her that he is only good at fighting and fucking, and he hasn’t done either. So Dany is like, “pull it out”, and while we don’t see it, we can be pretty sure that she gets the D. It’s good to see a woman in the place of power when it comes to sex in Game Of Thrones, which is usually getting roasted for objectifying women and being mad rapey. And I’m sure the female viewers were happy to see some Daario ass.

-Then we switch to Melisandre in the bath, because you gotta have balance and I am not arguing with this. Stannis’ wife, Selyse, comes in to have a chat and Melisandre basically admits that her magic shit is all an illusion to make people believe, but we’ve seen her birth a demon out of her vagina, so there has to be some truth to the shit. Selyse also wants to leave her daughter, Shireen, behind when they go to King’s Landing, but Melisandre says she is needed. Will Stannis be down with sacrificing his daughter? It doesn’t seem likely, but she does have a certain hold over him.

-Dario is leaving Dany’s room when Jorah walks by, and Dario is like, “gimme a pound, playa” and Jorah is like, “this mufucka….”. He obviously tells Dany that Dario can’t be trusted because he is a cockblocker (I submit “Lord Cockblocker” as a new Jorah nickname), and Dany reveals that she told Dario to take the Second Sons and go back to Yunkai to wreck shop, but Jorah recommends against this and Dany tells him to take the credit for it. She loves Jorah, but he still won’t get in those draws, no matter how good of an advisor he is.

-The Hound and Arya are chillin’, and Arya wants to burn where he was bitten so it won’t get infected, but we know how he feels about fire. He then proceeds to go off on her for getting him in trouble, even though this all could have been avoided if he had, you know, NOT KIDNAPPED HER. But he does have a soft spot for her or he would have killed her long ago, and he tells her the story of how his brother, the Mountain, burned his face for playing with one of his toys, but it hurt more because his brother did it and his father lied for him. Hound has been betrayed by the people he loves his entire life, so that is why it is hard for him to let Arya in, but he does let Arya dress his wound, which is a start.

-Brienne and POD DA GAWD continue their journey and they end up at an inn, where we see….so, when first saw dude, I knew he was familiar and I wanted to say his name was something to do with him being fat, like Fat Boy or Fatty or something. Turns out it is Hot Pie, who was last seen giving Arya a big-ass piece of bread as they parted ways, and while he goes on about his pies, Brienne tells him that they’re looking for Sansa Stark, which makes Hot Pie go, “Um, yeah, no Starks outchea in these streets”. Pod recommends that they shouldn’t be going around telling people they’re looking for someone who is accused of killing the former king and the daughter of a traitor, but then Hot Pie comes out as they’re leaving to tell them that Arya is still alive (Brienne thought she was dead) and that she is with the Hound, possibly en route to the Eryie, where crazy-ass Lysa lives. Hot Pie also wants them to give Arya a wolf-shaped bread, which I’m pretty sure was what he gave her the last time he saw her. Has he been holding on to this bread? He just keeps wolf-shaped loaves on deck? But it was nice to see Brienne trusting Pod a bit when he tells her what he knows of the Lysa situation, and it was always going to happen that they would get their buddy-cop on.

-Oberyn visits Tyrion, who has no options left, and he tells him of a story about when he visited King’s Landing as a boy and Tyrion was a baby. Cersei always hated Tyrion for killing their mother as he was born, and made him out to be some sort of freak show, and Oberyn says she pinched his penis so hard, he thought it would rip off. Tyrion knew that Cersei has always wished ill upon him, but not this much and not for this long, and he is genuinely hurt for the second episode in a row. But as he continues to tell Tyrion how badly Cersei wants him dead, Oberyn says he wants justice for his sister and her children, and the wheels are turning….who is Cersei getting to fight for her? Who does Oberyn hate the most in this world outside of the Lannisters? Yep, he’ll volunteer to fight the Mountain. Tyrion is like, “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD”….you know he did a little dance when Oberyn left.

-Sansa is hangin’ out, building a replica of Winterfell in the snow, when Robin joins her. He just wants to hurt people, like a little breastfeeding 14-year-old Joffrey-in-training. He stomps on her snowcastle and she slaps him, causing him to run off and tell his mother, which is never good, but at least Sansa stood up for herself for once. You can’t have anything around this weird little bastard. Littlefinger sees this and says he deserves it, and then when she asks him why he killed Joffrey, Littlefinger goes on some spiel about how much he loved her mother and he could have been her father, but since he isn’t, he’ll try to put the moves on her since she is hotter than Catelyn ever was. Littlefinger is taking the creep factor to a whole new level, and that is saying something in Game Of Thrones. So, he kisses her, but guess who sees it?

-Lysa calls Sansa to her chambers, and Sansa tries to apologize for slapping Robin, but Lysa gives no fucks about that. All she knows is that young hussy is outchea tryna steal her man, and she flips the fuck out, grabbing Sansa and threatening to throw her down the moon door. But Littlefinger steps in to stop it, and soothingly gets Lysa to step back from the ledge; he’ll send Sansa away and everything. That gets Lysa to drop her guard, and then you see it coming from a mile away: Littlefinger says that he has only loved one woman and Lysa thought he was gon’ say her. NOAP….it was Catelyn, and then out the moon door Lysa goes.

Overall, “Mockingbird” was a solid episode, but it was a little too obvious for me, and not because I’ve read the book: I have an awful memory and don’t remember 97% of it. But you saw the whole Oberyn thing coming, as well as the Lysa thing. It is only because all of it was so well-acted that it gets a pass, especially Pedro Pascal, who has balled out as Oberyn this season. He has stolen almost every scene he has been in and has more than held his own with the likes of Peter Dinklage, Lena Headley and Charles Dance. Hell, a subpar episode of this season still gets like, an 8.4 outta 10 or something, so calm down.

No Game Of Thrones next week because of a holiday, so I’ll be back in a couple weeks with the beginning of the three-episode homestretch, and you should get ready, because shit is about to go down.