At 50 minutes, “The Spoils Of War” is the shortest episode of this season of Game Of Thrones. So how in the hell did it seem like EVERYTHING HAPPENED? From start to finish, this was an all-time classic. Let’s go…..
-We’ll start at King’s Landing, where it was pretty quiet this week for a change, Cersei is gettin’ her Scrooge McDuck on after the Fall of Highgarden as gold is being transported from there to her. She tells Tycho that she plans to pay off her debt to the Iron Bank, because you know how Lannisters do with debts and all. But of course, Cersei needs more money to keep the war going, and she wants to recruit the Golden Company, a group of mercenaries that we’ve only heard of once, back in Season 4 in a conversation between Davos and Stannis. Apparently, they’re pretty good at fighting. Tycho says that they’ll do it once they get the other money first. Cersei is getting the Golden Company, one way or another, make no bones about that. They better be good. She’s gon’ need ’em.
-On to Winterfell, where Littlefinger tries to suck up to Bran, giving him the Valyrian steel dagger that was meant to kill him back in Season 1. The joint that was the reason that Catelyn kidnapped Tyrion and blamed the hit on him. Anyway, Bran is really not here for any of that shit and hits Littlefinger with the “Chaos is a ladder” line that Littlefinger said to Varys. Oooooooooh, the look on Littlefinger’s face was priceless, how in the fuck did you know about that? It’s rare that you see Littlefinger shook, but “Shook Ones Part 2” started playin’ in the background, shouts to Mobb Deep, RIP Prodigy. Anyway, Littlefinger leaves to get his mind right, and Meera walks in to say goodbye to Bran, who is like, yeah, whatever, peace, dogg. Meera is like, mufuckas died for you, my brother, Hodor, a whole buncha mufuckas and you can’t even muster a smile? But Bran ain’t Bran anymore. He’s the Three-Eyed Raven now. She’ll understand on the long-ass walk back to her family.
-Arya finally gets back to Winterfell, and fuck those guards, b. She names off some names like Maester Luwin and Rodrik, who are both dead, and then she realizes that her sister is in charge. The guards still don’t believe and throw a punch, and they have no idea what in the world they’re getting into. She sneaks away easily and when they finally tell Sansa that they lost her, she knows where Arya is: where their father is buried. They embrace, they have some small talk and Arya tells Sansa about her list because she was mad that she didn’t get to kill Joffrey. The list is still going strong. You’d have to think that she and Ed Sheeran will team up to kill Cersei by the time this is over, right? Right. I’d be here for that. Anyway, Sansa takes Arya to Bran, and shouts to his wheelchair. Bran knows about the list because he thought Arya was going to King’s Landing to get Cersei, and Arya’s like, the fuck do you know about that? Sansa’s like, little brother is weird, b. It wasn’t quite the reunion that we had in mind for the Starks, but things done changed. Just wait until Jon gets back. Oh, and Bran gets Arya the dagger, which they deduce that someone rich wanted him dead because Valyrian steel is the top of the top. Sansa says that Littlefinger probably gave it to Bran because he wants something, and she’s probably right because Littlefinger.
-They head to the courtyard, where Brienne, God love, continues to try and train Pod, who is getting better at fighting. But she’s taking compliments now as Pod called her a lady and she’s like, yeah, sure, thanks. They’re still a top-two duo in this show, along with Arya and the Hound. Arya steps up and is like, lemme try and Brienne is like, aight, I’ll take it easy on you….and then she realizes that Arya, in the words of the great midwestern African poet, Rakim, ain’t no joke. She manages to knock Needle out of Arya’s hand, so Arya switches to the dagger, and Brienne is like, fuck this, and kicks Arya square in the chest. It’s all good, though. Brienne asks her where she learned to fight, and Arya says, “no one”. Clever. That whole storyline is the epitome of GOT: it might be annoying to watch right now, but it’ll come in handy. Littlefinger is worried. Sansa is like, what in the hell has Arya been up to?
-Alright, on to the good stuff: Dragonstone. Missandei is worried about Grey Worm and Dany is like, what did y’all do and Missandei was about to yell “DAT MOUF”, but Jon interrupts. He takes Dany to the dragonglass mine, which is filled with dragonglass, obviously, but there is more. There are all sorts of hieroglyphics down there, left by the Children of the Forest, and there are drawings of the First Men as well. Jon says that they have to come together to fight as the Children and the First Men did when they had to battle the White Walkers and the Night King, of which there are drawings. Dany is like, hmmmm, maybe this dude isn’t crazy? Which reminds me, I was talking to a coworker about this and he brought up a great point: why is this so hard to believe for Dany when SHE HAS DRAGONS? DRAGONS, B. The Targaryen arrogance might be her downfall. So they leave, and they’re greeted by Tyrion and Varys, who tell Dany that she has Casterly Rock now, but then there was Highgarden. So now, Dany is without Highgarden, Dorne and the Iron Islands, and it’s all because, high key, Tyrion isn’t that good at military strategy. He never has been. He’s fine when it comes to political maneuvering, but when it comes to armies and shit, not his strong suit. Dany then goes at Tyrion for possibly punking out because the Lannisters are his people, which may or may not be true, I think mostly not true…..but maybe a little? They still have the Unsullied and Dothraki, but Dany can’t feed them all without the Reach (of which the capital is Highgarden) because Cersei also took all of the foods. Dany is like, fuck y’all, I got dragons, and then asks Jon what she should do. He says that if she uses her dragons, she’s no better than the Mad King or anyone else. Dany is like, that’s not what I want to hear.
-Jon and Davos are walking, and Davos is like, yo, what’s good with you and the Dragon Queen, you tryna smash, and Jon is like, there is no time for that now. Oh Jon, if you only knew how much time there isn’t for that right now. Missandei asks why his last name is Snow when his pops was a Stark, and when he explains the idea of a bastard, she still doesn’t get it because in Naath, marriage isn’t a concept. Davos is like, oh word, what are you sayin’, girl…..but let’s take a step back when they say to Missandei that JON’S PARENTS WEREN’T MARRIED. That’s pretty good. I like the fact that GOT ain’t tryna be subtle with it anymore. Fuck it, we all know who the parents are, and we’re gon’ beat you over the head with it. No time for fuckin’ around.
-Theon the Fuckboy rolls up with his people, and Jon is like, the only reason I’m not killing you right now is because you saved Sansa. I don’t think that should spare his life, but whatever. He then asks Dany to help him get his sister back, but Dany is gone and Jon leaves too, so you’re on your own. Idiot. I’ma be so mad when they try to make him a hero.
-At the Reach, Jaime is getting the boys together to send the gold and stuff back to King’s Landing, and he gives Bronn some gold, but Bronn is like, what about this castle, though? I dunno, how about Highgarden? But Jaime tells him that the war ain’t over yet and they’re not doing shit with Highgarden anyway. Randyll Tarly thinks that they should get a move on so that they don’t get caught out there, and they also run into Dickon, Randyll’s son, to ask him what he thought of war, and he’s like, meh, it’s aight. See, the Tarlys betrayed the Tyrells, and Dickon knew many of the men that he had to kill. Welcome to Game Of Thrones, my man. Dickon also didn’t know that men shit themselves when they die. Bronn be teachin’ out here. Easily the MVP of this episode.
-So they’re going, and then they hear the rumble of galloping horses, like, a lot of them. So they rally the troops and get ready for the incoming swarm of Dothraki, and there are WAY too many for them to handle. Bronn tries to get Jaime to go back to King’s Landing, but Jaime wants to fight with his men. Jaime is like, that’s cool, we can fight these men…..but then in swoops Drogon with Dany on his back and they’re like, oh for fuck sakes, these things still actually exist? It’s easy to break through the enemy lines when a giant dragon blazes a path of charred bodies straight through the middle, and the Dothraki get to kickin’ some Lannister ass. A lot of fighting and stuff, but let’s slow down a little. Not the best battle scene in GOT history, it was just cool because there were dragons. It’s still not “Hardhome”, it might not “Battle of the Bastards” and even though you might not remember it, “Blackwater” was also pretty dope. Let’s just say it was very, very good. Jaime’s men try their best, and they even shoot arrows at Drogon, but apparently he has armor on his stomach and how in the hell do you get armor on the stomach of a dragon?
-Jaime hollers at Bronn to go to the, what the GOT Wikia calls a scorpion-bolt launcher, but I’m calling it the big-ass crossbow. Bronn gets to it, cutting off horses’ legs and shit, and one Dothraki chases Bronn, and meets the big-ass crossbow. Then Bronn reloads, somehow by himself even though this shit looks like it needs a buncha people do it, but hey, no time for reality and details and shit right now. He loads up and aims for Drogon, but misses, and Dany is like, oh word? I’ll come to you. They divebomb Bronn, who manages to hit Drogon in the shoulder, but then a pissed-off Drogon blazes fire at the big-ass crossbow and just misses Bronn, who tucks and rolls like shit. Drogon goes to the ground and Dany tries to remove the arrow, and Drogon proceeds to light up anyone who is dumb enough to get close to her.
-Tyrion is overlooking the damage and one of the Dothraki is like, man, your people are some bitches, b, y’all can’t fight for shit. But then he spots Jaime, who has Dany in his sight and rides towards her, and basically, it’s a suicide mission. But Drogon spots him in time and well, fire…..but here comes the MVP, LeBronn James as Black Twitter dubbed him, and he saves Jaime by tackling him and they both go in the water, although Jaime appears to be drowning. But he’s not dead. He’ll be a good hostage for Dany going forward. He’s used to that shit anyway.
There wasn’t a single wasted moment on Sunday. Even the stuff at King’s Landing, not a battle, but still really important because Cersei’s gon’ need more people now. Can she afford them now that her gold is likely up in flames? Who’s gon’ be the brave soul that tries to take a big-ass arrow out of Drogon’s shoulder? Does Dany have a First Aid certificate? Are there any lifeguards in the house to save Jaime? Can someone PLEASE get Jon and Bran in a fucking room? Will Cersei now have to start drinking boxed wine? Will Littlefinger rebound from having peed himself? And Jesus, the White Walkers gotta be getting close to the Wall by now, yeah? Actually, that’ll be the sixth or seventh episode. Oh, and where is the Hound, Beric and the other guy? A lot of questions await the last three episodes of Game Of Thrones.