Tag Archives: Winterfell

Game Of Thrones S07E05 – Eastwatch

After four episodes of battles and fighting, Game Of Thrones scaled it back a little with “Eastwatch”, but by no means at all was it a slow episode. It needed to reset the board a little after the chaos of the first part of the season, and sets things up for what should be a wild two episodes. Let’s go…..

-Let’s start at the Reach, where Jaime somehow managed to not die thanks to Bronn, who was only here for his gold, which means Jaime can’t die yet, unless Bronn kills him. We’ll overlook the fact that not only should Jaime have died because of his armor, or even Drogon, but his gold hand gotta be heavy. But you overlook a lot of shit in Game Of Thrones because dragons and white walkers and all that good shit. Anyway, Jaime and Bronn both realize that they’re fucked if Dany brings out all three dragons since the scorpion gun absolutely didn’t work. It’s all good when it works on dragons that have been dead for however long…..them shits didn’t move around and breathe fire at you as you’re shooting.

-Let’s go quickly to King’s Landing, where Jaime has to tell Cersei that this shit ain’t work. He’s like, man, that’s a big-ass dragon, and she has two more, and those Dothraki mufuckas are the opposite of what a joke is. Cersei doesn’t care, tho, because she will be petty until the very end, no matter how many innocents die in the midst of it. Jaime then tells her that Lady O told him that she was the one who killed Joffrey, not Tyrion, and Cersei doesn’t believe until Jaime points out that it would have been easier for Margaery to control Tommen over Joffrey, which gave Lady O power. Then Cersei is mad that Lady O didn’t feel any pain for what she did and Jaime is like, we AIN’T got time for that shit right now, fuck are we gon’ do about these dragons and Dothraki? Again, Cersei’s pettiness will be the downfall of her. She’s such a jerk and it freaks me out how much I really love this character. Shouts to Lena Headey. She’s marvelous.

-We’ll get back to King’s Landing in a minute, but we’ll head back to the Reach for a second as Tyrion is looking at all of the dead Lannisters and Tarlys, burned to ashes by Drogon and slaughtered by the Dothraki. Everyone who survived is brought to Dany, who again, is on this “bend the knee” shit, even though she tries to assure them that she isn’t like her father despite what Cersei has been telling them. I dunno how easy it is to believe her when they’ve just seen their boys get flamed the fuck up, but hey, you do you. Most of the soldiers do bend the knee, except for Randyll and Dickon Tarly, and a few others. Dany calls them forward and Tyrion suggests sending them to the Wall, but Randyll calls Tyrion a traitor for even rolling with Dany, and at least Cersei is true Westerosi, which is some ‘cism, but again, it’s whatever. Plus, Randyll says she can’t send him to the Wall because she isn’t his Queen and Dany is like, oh word?  The Dothraki bring Randyll and Dickon (who goes against his father’s word) forth and they lovingly hold hands as Drogon melts them within seconds. Dany should have went down and thrown the ashes in the air like LeBron does with chalk before games. Anyway, that shit is over. Should have just bent the mufuckin’ knee, bruh. And Tyrion is still over here lookin’ all down about shit. But he won’t do anything stupid. I’ll tell you why in a second.

-On to Dragonstone, where Jon is walking around, being all brooding and shit because that’s what he does. Dany rides in on Drogon, who swoops down to Jon and roars in his face. Jon does a decent job of hiding the feces in his pants, I think, and manages to not only stay in front of Drogon, but he pets him and Dany is like, WHO IN THE FUCK IS THIS? Jon then says to Dany that the dragons are beautiful beasts, and Dany is like, mufucka, these are my kids, nobody talks about my bad-ass children but me, and Jon is like, bet, where’d you go tho? Dany says something about Hennessey and enemies and walks off.

-SO……we have Dany, the mother of dragons and all kinds of other shit, she rides the dragons. Jon manages to pet Drogon and not get flamed. Tyrion, back in Season 6, managed to not only get up close to the other two dragons, Viserion and Rhaegal, but he unshackles them and says he wanted a dragon of his own. Y’all aware of the dragon-riders theory? Google it. There are three dragons, and we have three people, all of which likely have Targaryen blood. Why do you think Tywin hated Tyrion so much? That ain’t his son. He was mad as shit having to spend his money and time taking care of a dwarf. There you have it. Cersei might pee a little if she sees Tyrion flying into King’s Landing on a dragon. Not in fear, just because what the fuck?

-Back to Dragonstone, where Dany asks Jon about the whole “knife to the heart” thing and Jon is like, oh, that Davos….what a guy. But they’re interrupted by Lord Friendzone himself, Jorah, who is back, lacking the greyscale, and he’s ready to serve his Queen. Dany is like, awww, my friend…..this is Jon Snow, who tells Jorah that he served under his pops in the Night’s Watch. All Jorah is thinking is, goddammit, another good-looking young dude I gotta try and leapfrog? She gave him a hug and I wonder how much he wanted to try and go in for that kiss?

-Tyrion and Varys are talking about Randyll and Dickon, and Varys tells Tyrion that he tried to distance himself from the Mad King when he killed Rickard Stark (Ned’s father) and Brandon Stark (Ned’s brother). Tyrion is still talkin’ this, she’s not her father, shit. Varys is like, fine, whatever, but she does have a proclivity to burn a mufucka or 8,000, so you need to tame that. They also talk a little about Bran’s raven, which we’ll get to in a bit. Yeah, this shit is all over the place.

-Jon got the raven and tells Dany about Bran’s vision of the white walkers and that he is going home, and he ain’t tellin’ her again. Tyrion says that they should go and get a wight to prove to everyone that this shit is the real threat and Varys says that Cersei won’t believe it…..Tyrion says that he can get to Jaime. Varys is out here making puppets dance. Also, what the hell kinda plan is that? Just go get a wight. That’s why Jon needs your army, Dany, Jesus……but he goes, and Jorah goes with him, because there is no lengths that his thirsty ass won’t go to for Dany. Anyway, Tyrion and Davos go to King’s Landing.

-Tyrion meets with Jaime underneath the Red Keep via Bronn, and I wish Bronn had stuck around because he and Tyrion would have had some nice jokes at the expense of Jaime’s hand. But there are more pressing issues, like, Tyrion killing Tywin, Tywin being a lifelong dick to Tyrion, up to and including ordering his execution, and Tyrion telling Jaime that everyone knows Dany is going to win this thing, so let’s talk about peace. Jaime brings that back to Cersei, who knew about it, of course. Jaime brings up the white walkers and that they’re tryna bring her proof, and Cersei seems like she’s down for a truce….for now, but that they’ll destroy anything in their path. Also, for all the shit that happened in this episode, Cersei’s admission that she is pregnant with another incest baby has flown under the radar in regards to all the recaps. Is she lying? The baby probably won’t make it anyway because she won’t make it. She tells Jaime not to betray her again, and the two of them are going to kill each other so good.

-Davos goes to find Gendry, Robert Baratheon’s bastard son who Davos helped escape Dragonstone a while ago so he wouldn’t die like the rest of his bastards. He is also the last Baratheon, so that has to stand for something. Anyway, he finds him, Gendry brings a war hammer and it’s a good thing. They get ready to leave when they are spotted by two gold cloaks, the Star Trek red shirt mufuckas of this shit. He gives them some story about crabs and impotence, and they buy it until Tyrion shows up and remember, Cersei has a bounty on Tyrion. They go to do something about it, but Gendry smashes their faces in with the hammer. They go on about their business. Good for Gendry. I literally forgot about him until this episode, and didn’t know anything about it until right now, as I’m writing this.

-Head to Winterfell right quick, where Bran has a vision with ravens, which he sends out to find the Army of the Dead. He finds them, being white and STILL walking, and the Night’s King looks at them, and they scatter like shit, which wakes Bran up. He’s like, yo, send out these ravens, b, and the notes likely say something like, AYE, WHITE WALKERS COMING FAST…WELL, NOT FAST, BUT FAST ENOUGH. Meanwhile, Sansa is being told that maybe she should be the leader of Winterfell, and Sansa doesn’t really buy what the lords are talking about. Arya is like, just kill ’em and Sansa is like, the fuck is wrong with you, WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN. Arya is about this killin’ life now and I’m here for it. So of course, she decides to stalk Littlefinger, who is up to shenanigans and all-around shady shit, and she sees him meeting with a buncha people. She breaks into his room after he met with Maester Wolkan, who had a copy of a scroll, and she finds out that the scroll is from when Sansa wrote a letter, at the behest of Cersei, to Robb, telling him to bend the knee of Joffrey. Goddamn, you could make a killing in Westeros selling kneepads. Knee bending EVERYWHERE. Now, Arya doesn’t know that this letter was written with Cersei watching, and Sansa was trying to save her father. However, she rushes off in anger and there is Littlefinger in the shadows, smiling. Shouts to @Mariannoo on Twitter who said that “Littlefinger always looks like he just realized there’s an extra nugget in his 10 piece”.

-ALRIGHT, on to Oldtown, where the maesters don’t buy the letter from Bran and Sam is like, yo, he’s not lying about this shit, he was out there in those streets, bruh, where was you? He also says that they should warn the people, but doesn’t throw in that, you know, he killed one himself. They wouldn’t believe him anyway. I think the main archmaester believes him, but he’s a dick anyway. So of course, Sam goes home to Gilly to talk about how much his job sucks, because that’s what you do in relationships. She asks him about this “Ragger” character that got annulled from a marriage, so he could marry another woman. But Sam is too busy listening to hear that “Ragger” is Rhaegar Targaryen, who was married to Elia Martell, but left her for Lyanna Stark, aka Ned’s sister and Jon’s real mother…..which means Jon is actually trueborn Targaryen and the real heir to the throne. Even though Dany is the daughter of the Mad King, Jon has the claim to the throne because, well, men ain’t shit and that’s what kinda what we do. Take shit over and fuck it up. But this show has always been Jon. If you could have put 2+2 = 4 together, or in this case, R+L=J, you’d know that Game Of Thrones has always been about Jon. He is the encapsulation of a song of ice and fire. I’m not happy about it, but it is what it is and I’ll still enjoy it. Anyway, I really hope at some point, Sam just shut the fuck up and listened to Gilly. Well, they had a long-ass trip in front of them as Sam stole some books and with Gilly and her son, whatever his name is, they left for, I don’t know, Dragonstone, maybe? Did they even know?

-Whew, alright, back to Dragonstone for a minute as Davos and Tyrion get back with Gendry. They meet up with Jon, who is heading to Eastwatch with Jorah and company to find a wight and bring it back, no sweat. Gendry is like, fuck it, I’ll go too. So, the three of them take a boat from Dragonstone to Eastwatch, so, the Wall. Jon hollers at Tormund and the crew about helping out, and Tormund is like, so you gotta convince the incest queen AND the dragon queen that these things exist? That line was pretty good. Then they meet with The Brotherhood Without Banners, so Beric, Thoros and the Hound, and Gendry is like, naaaaaaaaaaaaaah because apparently, the Brotherhood sold him to Melisandre. Which is fair, but they all decide that while they don’t like each other, there are bigger fish to fry. So they walk out past the Wall, lookin’ like a cold-ass Suicide Squad, and I guess they’ll be back with a fuckin’ wight, because why not? They head out into the Land of Always Winter, which sounds and looks unpleasant as fuck.

So, I guess Dany and Cersei are on hold until Jon and ’em come back…….hahahahahaha yeah, right. Cersei might try something stupid, like, chances of that are at least 7/10. I’m very anxious to see what Littlefinger is doing with Sansa and Arya, and how Brienne will fit into this. Also, Varys…..on the low, doing what he always does, intercepting ravens and pulling strings. Euron likely makes an appearance next episode, and I don’t even know if Dany plans on going to Casterly Rock to get Grey Worm and ’em. Missandei might gotta get in her ear about that. I think all that shit gets tied up next week and the finale will be the Suicide Squad against the Army of the Dead.

Next episode, 71 minutes, so this will be even longer next week. And 81 minutes the next week, so yeah…..put your reading glasses on, because shit is about to get so very real on Game Of Thrones.

Game Of Thrones S07E04 – The Spoils Of War

At 50 minutes, “The Spoils Of War” is the shortest episode of this season of Game Of Thrones. So how in the hell did it seem like EVERYTHING HAPPENED? From start to finish, this was an all-time classic. Let’s go…..

-We’ll start at King’s Landing, where it was pretty quiet this week for a change, Cersei is gettin’ her Scrooge McDuck on after the Fall of Highgarden as gold is being transported from there to her. She tells Tycho that she plans to pay off her debt to the Iron Bank, because you know how Lannisters do with debts and all. But of course, Cersei needs more money to keep the war going, and she wants to recruit the Golden Company, a group of mercenaries that we’ve only heard of once, back in Season 4 in a conversation between Davos and Stannis. Apparently, they’re pretty good at fighting. Tycho says that they’ll do it once they get the other money first. Cersei is getting the Golden Company, one way or another, make no bones about that. They better be good. She’s gon’ need ’em.

-On to Winterfell, where Littlefinger tries to suck up to Bran, giving him the Valyrian steel dagger that was meant to kill him back in Season 1. The joint that was the reason that Catelyn kidnapped Tyrion and blamed the hit on him. Anyway, Bran is really not here for any of that shit and hits Littlefinger with the “Chaos is a ladder” line that Littlefinger said to Varys. Oooooooooh, the look on Littlefinger’s face was priceless, how in the fuck did you know about that? It’s rare that you see Littlefinger shook, but “Shook Ones Part 2” started playin’ in the background, shouts to Mobb Deep, RIP Prodigy. Anyway, Littlefinger leaves to get his mind right, and Meera walks in to say goodbye to Bran, who is like, yeah, whatever, peace, dogg. Meera is like, mufuckas died for you, my brother, Hodor, a whole buncha mufuckas and you can’t even muster a smile? But Bran ain’t Bran anymore. He’s the Three-Eyed Raven now. She’ll understand on the long-ass walk back to her family.

-Arya finally gets back to Winterfell, and fuck those guards, b. She names off some names like Maester Luwin and Rodrik, who are both dead, and then she realizes that her sister is in charge. The guards still don’t believe and throw a punch, and they have no idea what in the world they’re getting into. She sneaks away easily and when they finally tell Sansa that they lost her, she knows where Arya is: where their father is buried. They embrace, they have some small talk and Arya tells Sansa about her list because she was mad that she didn’t get to kill Joffrey. The list is still going strong. You’d have to think that she and Ed Sheeran will team up to kill Cersei by the time this is over, right? Right. I’d be here for that. Anyway, Sansa takes Arya to Bran, and shouts to his wheelchair. Bran knows about the list because he thought Arya was going to King’s Landing to get Cersei, and Arya’s like, the fuck do you know about that? Sansa’s like, little brother is weird, b. It wasn’t quite the reunion that we had in mind for the Starks, but things done changed. Just wait until Jon gets back. Oh, and Bran gets Arya the dagger, which they deduce that someone rich wanted him dead because Valyrian steel is the top of the top. Sansa says that Littlefinger probably gave it to Bran because he wants something, and she’s probably right because Littlefinger.

-They head to the courtyard, where Brienne, God love, continues to try and train Pod, who is getting better at fighting. But she’s taking compliments now as Pod called her a lady and she’s like, yeah, sure, thanks. They’re still a top-two duo in this show, along with Arya and the Hound. Arya steps up and is like, lemme try and Brienne is like, aight, I’ll take it easy on you….and then she realizes that Arya, in the words of the great midwestern African poet, Rakim, ain’t no joke. She manages to knock Needle out of Arya’s hand, so Arya switches to the dagger, and Brienne is like, fuck this, and kicks Arya square in the chest. It’s all good, though. Brienne asks her where she learned to fight, and Arya says, “no one”. Clever. That whole storyline is the epitome of GOT: it might be annoying to watch right now, but it’ll come in handy. Littlefinger is worried. Sansa is like, what in the hell has Arya been up to?

-Alright, on to the good stuff: Dragonstone. Missandei is worried about Grey Worm and Dany is like, what did y’all do and Missandei was about to yell “DAT MOUF”, but Jon interrupts. He takes Dany to the dragonglass mine, which is filled with dragonglass, obviously, but there is more. There are all sorts of hieroglyphics down there, left by the Children of the Forest, and there are drawings of the First Men as well. Jon says that they have to come together to fight as the Children and the First Men did when they had to battle the White Walkers and the Night King, of which there are drawings. Dany is like, hmmmm, maybe this dude isn’t crazy? Which reminds me, I was talking to a coworker about this and he brought up a great point: why is this so hard to believe for Dany when SHE HAS DRAGONS? DRAGONS, B. The Targaryen arrogance might be her downfall. So they leave, and they’re greeted by Tyrion and Varys, who tell Dany that she has Casterly Rock now, but then there was Highgarden. So now, Dany is without Highgarden, Dorne and the Iron Islands, and it’s all because, high key, Tyrion isn’t that good at military strategy. He never has been. He’s fine when it comes to political maneuvering, but when it comes to armies and shit, not his strong suit. Dany then goes at Tyrion for possibly punking out because the Lannisters are his people, which may or may not be true, I think mostly not true…..but maybe a little? They still have the Unsullied and Dothraki, but Dany can’t feed them all without the Reach (of which the capital is Highgarden) because Cersei also took all of the foods. Dany is like, fuck y’all, I got dragons, and then asks Jon what she should do. He says that if she uses her dragons, she’s no better than the Mad King or anyone else. Dany is like, that’s not what I want to hear.

-Jon and Davos are walking, and Davos is like, yo, what’s good with you and the Dragon Queen, you tryna smash, and Jon is like, there is no time for that now. Oh Jon, if you only knew how much time there isn’t for that right now. Missandei asks why his last name is Snow when his pops was a Stark, and when he explains the idea of a bastard, she still doesn’t get it because in Naath, marriage isn’t a concept. Davos is like, oh word, what are you sayin’, girl…..but let’s take a step back when they say to Missandei that JON’S PARENTS WEREN’T MARRIED. That’s pretty good. I like the fact that GOT ain’t tryna be subtle with it anymore. Fuck it, we all know who the parents are, and we’re gon’ beat you over the head with it. No time for fuckin’ around.

-Theon the Fuckboy rolls up with his people, and Jon is like, the only reason I’m not killing you right now is because you saved Sansa. I don’t think that should spare his life, but whatever. He then asks Dany to help him get his sister back, but Dany is gone and Jon leaves too, so you’re on your own. Idiot. I’ma be so mad when they try to make him a hero.

-At the Reach, Jaime is getting the boys together to send the gold and stuff back to King’s Landing, and he gives Bronn some gold, but Bronn is like, what about this castle, though? I dunno, how about Highgarden? But Jaime tells him that the war ain’t over yet and they’re not doing shit with Highgarden anyway. Randyll Tarly thinks that they should get a move on so that they don’t get caught out there, and they also run into Dickon, Randyll’s son, to ask him what he thought of war, and he’s like, meh, it’s aight. See, the Tarlys betrayed the Tyrells, and Dickon knew many of the men that he had to kill. Welcome to Game Of Thrones, my man. Dickon also didn’t know that men shit themselves when they die. Bronn be teachin’ out here. Easily the MVP of this episode.

-So they’re going, and then they hear the rumble of galloping horses, like, a lot of them. So they rally the troops and get ready for the incoming swarm of Dothraki, and there are WAY too many for them to handle. Bronn tries to get Jaime to go back to King’s Landing, but Jaime wants to fight with his men. Jaime is like, that’s cool, we can fight these men…..but then in swoops Drogon with Dany on his back and they’re like, oh for fuck sakes, these things still actually exist? It’s easy to break through the enemy lines when a giant dragon blazes a path of charred bodies straight through the middle, and the Dothraki get to kickin’ some Lannister ass. A lot of fighting and stuff, but let’s slow down a little. Not the best battle scene in GOT history, it was just cool because there were dragons. It’s still not “Hardhome”, it might not “Battle of the Bastards” and even though you might not remember it, “Blackwater” was also pretty dope. Let’s just say it was very, very good. Jaime’s men try their best, and they even shoot arrows at Drogon, but apparently he has armor on his stomach and how in the hell do you get armor on the stomach of a dragon?

-Jaime hollers at Bronn to go to the, what the GOT Wikia calls a scorpion-bolt launcher, but I’m calling it the big-ass crossbow. Bronn gets to it, cutting off horses’ legs and shit, and one Dothraki chases Bronn, and meets the big-ass crossbow. Then Bronn reloads, somehow by himself even though this shit looks like it needs a buncha people do it, but hey, no time for reality and details and shit right now. He loads up and aims for Drogon, but misses, and Dany is like, oh word? I’ll come to you. They divebomb Bronn, who manages to hit Drogon in the shoulder, but then a pissed-off Drogon blazes fire at the big-ass crossbow and just misses Bronn, who tucks and rolls like shit. Drogon goes to the ground and Dany tries to remove the arrow, and Drogon proceeds to light up anyone who is dumb enough to get close to her.

-Tyrion is overlooking the damage and one of the Dothraki is like, man, your people are some bitches, b, y’all can’t fight for shit. But then he spots Jaime, who has Dany in his sight and rides towards her, and basically, it’s a suicide mission. But Drogon spots him in time and well, fire…..but here comes the MVP, LeBronn James as Black Twitter dubbed him, and he saves Jaime by tackling him and they both go in the water, although Jaime appears to be drowning. But he’s not dead. He’ll be a good hostage for Dany going forward. He’s used to that shit anyway.

There wasn’t a single wasted moment on Sunday. Even the stuff at King’s Landing, not a battle, but still really important because Cersei’s gon’ need more people now. Can she afford them now that her gold is likely up in flames? Who’s gon’ be the brave soul that tries to take a big-ass arrow out of Drogon’s shoulder? Does Dany have a First Aid certificate? Are there any lifeguards in the house to save Jaime? Can someone PLEASE get Jon and Bran in a fucking room? Will Cersei now have to start drinking boxed wine? Will Littlefinger rebound from having peed himself? And Jesus, the White Walkers gotta be getting close to the Wall by now, yeah? Actually, that’ll be the sixth or seventh episode. Oh, and where is the Hound, Beric and the other guy? A lot of questions await the last three episodes of Game Of Thrones.

Game Of Thrones S06E10 – The Winds Of Winter

Well, after six damn seasons of Game Of Thrones, winter is finally here. But there was a fair amount of heat in the Season 6 finale, “The Winds Of Winter”, unequivocally one of the best episodes in the entire series and the name of the upcoming sixth book. Let’s go………

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-Um, let’s start with Sam and Gilly because this shit will be quick. They show up at Oldtown and walk up to the the maester’s version of the front desk, and much like any front desk you’ve ever been to, the receptionist is not here for any of Sam’s shit. He made Sam’s big ass stretch across that desk to give him the letter from Jon, saying he is supposed to be the new maester, and Mr. Receptionist was like, new Lord Commander? No Maester Aegon? WE DON’T BELIEVE YOU, YOU NEED MORE PEOPLE. But eventually, he lets Sam into the library, but not Gilly and Little Sam because Sam knew women and children weren’t allowed there. Anyway, Sam has to read like, three million books and he’s pretty psyched about it. Good for him. The fuck you gon’ do with Gilly and Little Sam?

-Let’s move up to the Twins, where Walder Frey is being full of himself as usual, partyin’ off their win over the Blackfish and the Tullys, while Bronn is gettin’ pissy with Jaime because all the women want him. Jaime, being the best wingman ever, calls over two women and Bronn is like, fuck it, I’ll take them, but first, he hit Jaime with the “not blond enough for you?” as both women had dark hair. It was obviously a shot at Jaime about Cersei, and really, Bronn is the only one who can get away with that shit. He has done it before, but what can Jaime say? Bronn has done a lot of shit for Jaime over these last six seasons. Then Jaime moves on Walder Frey, and basically says to him that the Lannisters don’t really need him if they have to ride up and save him every time he loses the Riverlands. He’s not wrong. Walder couldn’t have pulled off the Red Wedding without the Lannisters, and now this. That should have been the first sign for Walder to watch his back, ol’ pedo-ass bastard. But then, he’s chillin’ and in walks a girl that we saw in the previous scene, getting Jaime’s attention. Walder slaps her ass and says she’s too pretty to be one of his, and he asks for his sons. She was like, oh, your sons are right there, on ya mufuckin’ plate and that they were hard to carve up…..and bruh, she pulled off that mask…….ARYA. She says her full name again, completely throwing that “No One” shit in the bushes, and proceeds to slit his throat….and smiles at him. Does this make up for all the other shit that hasn’t happened for Arya this season? Not completely, but it damn sure helps. And this means that Arya is at Riverrun, so how did she get…..actually, you know what? Never mind. She’s there and that’s all that matters. Winterfell next? Maybe King’s Landing? She got that kill list to work on.

-Benjen drops Meera and Bran close to the Wall, right beside a weirwood tree, but Benjen can’t go past the Wall, which has magic or some shit that prevents him from going past it because technically, he’s dead. Sooooooooo…….does this mean the White Walkers and ’em can’t go past the Wall, either? How does that work? Anyway, we’ll figure that shit out later. Bran looks at the tree and was like, I ain’t warged in a minute and Meera is like, you better wake the fuck up when I grab you this time. He goes into his flashback, and it’s at the Tower of Joy, where we hear the screams of Lyanna Stark, and Ned goes on to see what’s up with his sister. She is lying in a pool of blood and whispers to Ned that well, she just had a baby and her father would kill her if she knew who the father was, and we can all safely assume that the father is Rhaegar Targaryen and book readers smugly stroked their chin upon this being revealed. To be fair to them, though, this is one of the theories that I’ve run across that wasn’t stupid, and it NEVER sat well with me that Ned had a bastard child when all we heard about was how honorable he was. Like, that was Ned’s THING, right until the end. But he came up with that story because Jon Snow would have been killed if anyone knew his father was Rhaegar was his father. So yes, Jon is part-Targaryen. He’d better learn to ride a dragon (remember, Rhaegar was Dany’s brother and fun fact, he was supposed to marry Cersei, but his father, the Mad King, said Cersei wasn’t good enough for him and that obviously pissed Tywin off. I could probably write another thousand words on how many people the Targaryens pissed off, and how not good that is for Dany……maybe later). That shit will come in handy.

-Speaking of Jon, he’s chillin’ with Melisandre when Davos bursts in the room and throws some shit at Melisandre, which turns out to be Shireen’s little wooden elk, which is some bullshit in the first place, but whatever. He forces her to tell Jon about the burning of Shireen at the stake, but Melisandre puts up a fight, saying that it was the Lord of Light, but also her parents as Stannis and whatever her mother’s name was were in on it, too. Davos is like, where did that get any of them, and Melisandre is like, shit….you’re not wrong. Jon asks is she has anything to say for herself and Melisandre counters with the fact that, well, she brought him back to life, and the great war is on the way and she’ll be useful to him, which is probably right. But Jon was raised by Ned and he does the honorable thing, which is to tell Melisandre to ride south and never come to the North again, or he’ll have her hanged as a murderer, while Davos is like, fuck all that, I’ll kill you my damn self. And I mean, I get it, killing Shireen was kinda fucked up. But she DID bring Jon Snow back and she probably will be able to help in the great war. She’s not done, we’ll see her again. For their sake, they better hope they see her again. But goddamn, Davos was mad as shit, come like they found a text on their significant other’s phone. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT……I don’t think we’ve ever heard him that mad. And now that I think about it….does he need to go to the Iron Bank and pay that debt for Stannis? That literally just popped into my head.

Jon meets with Sansa, who says that he should sleep in their parents’ old room, but Jon wants her to have it. She admits that not telling him about Littlefinger was the wrong thing to do, which is correct, because people were furious about that last week. Jon asks if she trusts Littlefinger, which she says she doesn’t and I think she knows better than that, but she needed him. Jon tells her they have to be honest with each other if they’re gon’ run Winterfell, but they’ll have this problem again. Oh, and they find out that winter is here through a white raven, and it’s just like their father told them as it’s the motto of House Stark and he it’s the name of the first episode of the series. It’s about damn time. Then Sansa meets with Littlefinger, who finally shoots his shot with her. He tried to kiss her and Sansa was like, nah, thanks for the army, tho. That’s some cold shit. He won’t take that lying down.

Later on, all the lords of the North have gathered and mufuckas are mad that the wildlings are there, but Tormund said they were invited. AND, did you not just see us out there fighting for your punk asses? We lost the last giant (#RIPWUNWUN) out here for y’all, which is all a true story. Jon then tells everyone that the great war is yet to be fought, and then there are some that still think Jon shouldn’t be in charge because he’s a bastard. But Lyanna Mormont steps up to the plate and all but started her speech with, “man, y’all some bitches”. She names all the houses that stopped fuckin’ with the Starks after the Red Wedding, and people that wouldn’t fight the Boltons with him. Where has this little girl been this entire series? I feel cheated that we’re just now gettin’ these Lyanna bars. And y’all are some bitches because you’re getting run by a 10-year-old that has just 62 fightin’ mufuckas….well, um, probably not 62 after last week. I wonder how many of them survived? I’d guess not many. Anyway, they all declare Jon the King Of the North and everyone is chanting, but Sansa looks in the back and Littlefinger is NOT happy because he thinks that’s his spot. So keep an eye on that because if there is one thing we know, it is that Littlefinger won’t stop until he gets what he wants. And he has an army that is probably bigger than Jon’s. But it’s nice to see the Starks taking a W or two after six entire seasons of Ls.

-Aight, NOW, on to the good stuff. The episode starts with everyone getting ready for the trials of Cersei and Loras. It is a very slow and deliberate beginning, and and very detailed, starting with the little kid who whispers something Pycelle as he is getting ready to go, and after he doesn’t pay a prostitute, and you can never trust someone who does that. Loras is brought out of his cell and I assume he’s not making it out of this episode, but instead of a trial, Loras confessed to everything, like, a whole buncha shit. I was waiting for buggery, but no buggery, I think he just used a different name for it. Anyway, he says that he’s done with his Tyrell name, he’ll never have kids, yada yada yada, but that’s not enough as the Sparrows carve that star into his head and Margaery is PISSED. The High Sparrow ain’t pressed tho, and he’s like, these things happen. He also said that Loras wouldn’t be released until Cersei’s trial, but she won’t leave the Red Keep, so he sends Lancel to get her. Of course, Cersei is chillin’ with her wine, mentally tellin’ mufuckas what they ain’t gon’ do today, and when Tommen goes to head to the trial, he’s greeted by FrankenMountain, and that’s when you knew it was about to be ON. Then you have Pycelle, who follows that kid under the Sept into a room with Qyburn, who says that he has no ill will towards Pycelle….but apparently this gang of little kids do. They stabbed the shit outta Pycelle, b. That has to be a record for most times one person has been stabbed in this show.

Margaery knows something is going on with Cersei and Tommen not being there, and says there is some sort of trap, but the High Sparrow is arrogant and was like, meh, it’ll be fine. So Margaery is like, fuck this, and tries to leave, but the Sparrows hold her back. Meanwhile, no one is looking for Lancel, who has followed another kid under the Red Keep, and then the kid stabs him in the spine. He gets to crawling, and it seemed like that dude was on the ground for hours, and he’s crawling, and he’s crawling…and then he discovers the wildfire that they’ve mentioned like, three times in the most recent episodes (I called it firewater in my notes, I was close). He sees a candle and does everything he can to get there to put it out, but he doesn’t get there in time and BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM……down goes the Sept, the High Sparrow, Margaery and Loras, the Faith Militant, EVERYONE. We have two points of view here: one is Cersei, who is smirking with what might be her third glass of wine, and then there is Tommen…..who stares out of the window in disbelief, takes his crown off, we hear him sit it down, and then back to the window and doesn’t even hesitate, just walks the fuck out. So there is the prophecy; it was foretold that Cersei’s kids would all die. I don’t know if her having anything to do with it was in there, but they’re gone.

AND THEN, Cersei walks in a room where the big-ass nun is strapped to a table, and she is telling the nun to confess, and pouring wine all over her face. You KNOW Cersei hates you if she’s wasting wine on you. Cersei then confesses to killing her husband and fucking her brother and doing all sorts of shit on the strength of feeling good, and the nun is like fuck it, I’m ready to die, I’m good. But no, no, no, Cersei ain’t ready for that yet….she brings in FrankenMountain, who takes off his mask, and we don’t know what he is doing to her as Cersei leaves, but we hear the blood-curdling screams and it surely can’t be good for ol’ nun, and Cersei walks off repeating “Shame, Shame”, because she’s Queen Petty.

However, a damper is put on the party when Qyburn tells Cersei that Tommen is dead, and she’s like, welp, burn him and put him with his grandfather, brother and sister, and it’s there that hits Cersei, her whole damn family is dead….all she has left is Jaime. No mention of Robert, tho, which isn’t surprising. But Jaime’s reaction is the best as he and Bronn return from Riverrun with King’s Landing burning, and he’s like, fuck, what did she do now. He walks in just in time to see Cersei being crowned Queen of the Seven Kingdoms by Qyburn, and yo…….CERSEI IS ON THE FUCKIN’ THRONE. The season is a success for me because I just wanted Cersei to get revenge and then die, but to put her on the throne? Something that she tried to run with Robert, then killed him, then her sons, and that didn’t work out. But she should be careful because the Iron Throne isn’t really the place to be if you want to live. And besides, Cersei’s plans ALWAYS backfire, so it’s only a matter of time before that shit comes crashing down. However. The Revenge of Cersei is complete and the High Sparrow is dead, so I’m good.

-Quickly, we stopped in Dorne where Ellaria had called Lady O for a meeting, and Lady O is not in the mood for anything. She needs some backup as she blames Cersei for the deaths of Margaery and Loras, and rightly so, oh, and her son, their father, also died at the Sept. Ellaria is all about some Lannister vengeance, but not before Lady O cusses out all three of the Sand Snakes for no reason other than they exist. I love that lady. No one makes some feel small better than Lady O, them bars cut like a knife. But then Varys is revealed, and I’ll tell you what I think that is all about in the next section. So that’s where he was going, but wouldn’t tell Tyrion.

-Finally, we end in Meereen, where Dany breaks up with Daario, which kinda came outta nowhere, but I was okay with it. He is to stay there with the Second Sons and make sure Meereen is smooth, and he’s on some “please baby baby please” shit, but Dany is like, nah, I got shit to do. She tried him as a piece, and it was lowkey hilarious to see the shoe on the other foot, far different from what we’re used to seeing in, well, 90% of television shows outchea. And he’s mad at Tyrion, who is sitting outside and waiting for Dany to see how Daario took the news (meh, he was fine, probably went to a brothel).

Tyrion tries to console her, but Dany is more worried that she doesn’t feel anything about it. The two sit down and talk about what they believe in, and Tyrion didn’t believe in anything, but he believes in her and I’m not going through the shit word for word, but I wouldn’t be surprised if both Emilia Clarke and Peter Dinklage used this as their Emmy scene (even though neither of them should win). Just the way it was shot, with them in the frame and the window behind them….this is the shit we’ve been building towards and what I’ve been waiting for since Tyrion got to Meereen. He even said it: she has ships, an army, some big-ass dragons….only one thing left to do. As I mentioned before, the Targaryens aren’t liked in King’s Landing, but who cares….she has all of the aforementioned things. Anyway, Dany makes Tyrion the Hand of the Queen and he kneels, but hey, he has been the Hand before. We close with Yara and Theon and the Iron Fleet (and I assume Euron is building, what, ship #17 of 1,000 at this point), and then Dany, Missandei, Tyrion and Varys on another ship, with Drogon up above. Dany is FINALLY going to Westeros, and she better not make any damn stops along the way. And yeah, Varys…..he got back in time (don’t worry about how long it took for all this, Dorne is kinda close to Meereen and that shit doesn’t mean anything in this show). So he’s aligning Dany and ’em with Dorne and Highgarden against the Lannisters? Tyrion won’t mind, although he’ll do his best to save Jaime, which isn’t likely considering that, you know, he kinda killed Dany’s father. And yo, whatever happen to Melisandre #2, that knew all about Varys’ past and had him shook?

And that was that. The end to Season 6, which might be just after Season 4 for my favorite season, and this was one of the best episodes of the series, hands down. I’m fine with there being fewer episodes in the season (there are seven slated for next season) if they’re going to be longer, and if they’re all this good. I’m not even gon’ speculate on what will happen next season, I’ma let this season marinate and we’ll deal with all that shit over the next ten months, which seems like a long time, but we’ll get through it.

Season 6 MVP: Lena Headey as Cersei. Honorable mention for Sophie Turner as Sansa. I wanted it to be Maisie Williams as Arya, but that storyline dragged for a while.

Thanks for reading and making this the most fun I’ve had since starting this blog, and I haven’t figured out what’s next yet. But whatever it is, it won’t be as fun as Game Of Thrones, the king of television right now.

Game Of Thrones S06E09 – Battle Of The Bastards

It was the week everyone was waiting for. Game Of Thrones usually gets it poppin’ with Episode 9, up until last year, when that shit was upstaged by the prior episode: the battle at Hardhome. Then the episode title was released and “Battle of the Bastards” was supposed to bring it back. Did it? I’m sure everyone is happy with the result, but I’m not sure on the path they took to get there. Let’s go….

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-Alright, so it’s nice and easy, two locations this week and we’ll obviously start with Meereen, where Dany is lookin’ at Tyrion like a mother who caught her kid having a party while she was out. Dany wants to kill the slavers, but Tyrion suggests some sort of surrender plan, so they set up a meeting with the leaders of Yunkai, Volantis and Astapor. The masters suggest that Dany and Tyrion leave, but they also get the Unsullied and Missandei will go back into slavery and her dragons will be slaughtered. Man, it’s hilarious that all these dudes in this show just think they can roll over Dany, like she ain’t got some big-ass dragons. So she looks at them like, oh that plan just won’t do, this was about your surrender…..and up flies Drogon, big as shit, and Dany rides him off into the sky, and they’re joined by Rhaegal and Viseron. You know Drogon was like, yo, I know moms fucked up by locking you away, and we’ll deal with that later. Right now, we got some thangs to take care of. Meanwhile, Daario and the Dothraki ambush the Sons of the Harpy, who are just killing everything in sight, and the soldiers that were with the masters were like, man, fuck this, and they peaced out with the quickness. So the masters are left, and Grey Worm says that one of them have to die, and two of the masters (Yunkai and Volantis) immediately point to the Astapor homie…..Grey Worm is like, y’all hoes ain’t loyal, and cuts both of their throats. Then Tyrion walks up to Astapor and tells him to go and spread the word that Dany will fuck your whole life up if need be.

Shortly after, Theon and Yara get to Meereen to talk to Dany, and they say that they’ll offer the Iron Fleet if she’ll help them kill Euron, who has to be on, what, ship #17 of 1,000 at this point. They wonder why Theon isn’t leading, and Tyrion makes some cracks from what he knows of what he did at Winterfell, but Theon says that Yara is in charge and Yara tries to lowkey holla at Dany on some “I’m down if you are” type game. I can imagine Tyrion chillin’ with a glass of wine watchin’ and shit. Dany says she will, but the Ironborn can’t rape and pillage anymore and Yara is like, WHAT ELSE ARE WE GON’ DO? But she agrees and Queen Latifah’s “Ladies First” plays in the background. It was a great week for the GOT ladies, which is nice for a change. I’ve always said that women have carried this show, and they dominated this week.

For me, this was the best part of the episode. Why? Dragons, b. Three of ’em. But Dany needs to be gettin’ on the go soon. Get out of Slavers Bay. At least start making your way to the Iron Islands, Westeros in general, really. Just do something. This was very cool and all, but we’ve seen Dany save the day too many times and then not to do anything.

That being said, this was pretty fucking cool.

-Now, to the North, where Jon, Sansa, Tormund and Davos meet up with Ramsay and Smalljon Umber to talk about this battle. Ramsay says he’ll let Jon go for breaking his Night’s Watch vows, which is hilarious because the Night’s Watch is full of criminals and bastards and I don’t know why they follow these vows, but whatever, fine. Oh, and Ramsay wants his wife, Sansa, back. Jon is like, all these people don’t have to die….why don’t we just fight and Ramsay is like, I heard you were good and I’m not about that one-on-one life and my army can beat your half-army. Jon tries to make Ramsay guilty, saying that his men won’t fight for him if Ramsay won’t fight them, and Ramsay really gives no fucks about all that and instead, threatens Rickon, and we’ll get to that fuckboy in a minute. They ask how they can trust that they have him, and Smalljon throws Shaggydog’s head at them. Sansa is like, fuck y’all and you, you’re dying tomorrow, and rides off. So, it’s about to go down. And this was Jon’s first mistake, actin’ like Ramsay has feelings and shit.

Then the crew discuss what they’re up against and their battle plan, and Sansa tells them that they don’t have enough men, but Jon is like, NOAP, this is how we’re doing this. Sansa then gets up in arms because they didn’t ask her what she thought….and she’s right. No one knows Ramsay better than Sansa, for better or for worse, and she could have told Jon that tryna guilt Ramsay wouldn’t work worth a damn. She also points out that he likes to play with people, which we see later on. But Sansa has more on the line than any of these people: if they lose this, she has to go back to Ramsay, and she says she’ll kill herself if that happens. Which is fair; shoutout to Sansa to not killing herself when she was with him.

Next, Davos and Tormund are talking about the wildlings’ battle with Stannis, and they come to the conclusion that they were probably serving the wrong king, but you serve who you serve and that is that. Tormund says he’s going to drink some goat’s milk, while Davos says he’s walking out far enough to take a dump and Tormund tells him, “happy shitting”. Everyone has their pre-battle routines, I guess. Davos gets out to the pyre where Shireen was burned, and he finds the wooden stag that he made for her, because it’s not like it hasn’t snowed a bunch there since then and it hasn’t been windy or whatever, but hey, Davos gotta get pumped up somehow. Then Jon goes to see Melisandre, and he tells her not to bring him back if he dies, and she’s like, bruh, they’re gon’ ask me and I have to try, but it’s up to the Lord of Light. Ain’t that some passin-the-buck shit.

So now, it’s go time. The armies meet up and Ramsay has Rickon tied up, and he tells the youngest Stark that they’re gon’ play a game. The game is for Rickon to run towards Jon, but he has to run, which he does, and Ramsay pulls out his bow. Rickon starts to run towards Jon, and yo……I mean, Rickon, I know you’ve been gone for a while, and you don’t even have to be the next Barry Sanders (NFL running back, shifty as all hell, I know some of y’all won’t get that). But Jesus everlovin’ Christ, can you tuck and roll? Zig-zag just a little? Turn around, see where the arrow is and move? SOMETHING? Dogg, you can’t just run in a straight fuckin’ line and not expect to die. Then on the other side and this was brought up to me by a friend, Jon got off his horse, walked 20 feet, was like, yup, that’s Rickon, then he had to walk all the way back to said horse and then get going…..stay on your fuckin’ horse, bruh. Anyway, they’re running towards each other and Ramsay missed twice, but we all know that he wouldn’t miss a third and it would happen right before he got to Jon. This is where my problems started with this battle, but we’ll keep going. Then Jon gets off his horse and waits for the cavalry to come and again, this was pointed out to me by a friend (thanks, Melissa). It was filmed in such a way that Jon looked like he was lighter than everyone else, and it was like this throughout the battle. Is he the Lord of Light? He’s something. I don’t know what, I assumed it was just because it is Jon Snow and everyone is so pressed for him to be the savior of everything. But there is something to it, for sure. But go back a minute to when the two cavalries meet and it just sounds like a thousand NFL offensive lines colliding. I’ve never understood these battles where mufuckas just rush with their swords pointed straight out, like, I’ma stick this mufucka out and if you get hit, your fault. Meanwhile, they’re doing the same thing, and if you’re on the front line, that’s gotta SUCK.

They get to fightin’ and if there is one thing I’ll always say about Jon Snow, that dude is a helluva swordsman, like Ramsay said earlier. I won’t go through every fight, obviously, but he was mowing mufuckas DOWN left and right, and the filming of this whole thing was reminiscent of Saving Private Ryan, so I’ll never say that wasn’t cool to watch. But then the Bolton army surrounds Jon’s army in a horseshoe formation, and this is a brilliant move by Ramsay. They basically push them in the middle and no one in the Stark army can do anything, really, except Wun Wun, who was ripping people literally in half and that shit was great. Then there are piles of bodies and dead horses and all sorts of shit, and Jon somehow gets tramples by either retreating wildlings or incoming Boltons, hell, probably both, I don’t really care, he was gettin’ trampled by mufuckas, tho. Then, problem #2: Jon is running out of air, but I keep waiting for when he burst out of the feet and people and takes that big gasp of air…….then he did it and I hit the most vicious sideeye of the whole season. And really, this is my biggest issue with this battle and why I don’t think it was better than Hardhome. I never once, ever in life, thought that Jon was in danger of dying. Maybe it’s because he has already died once and they brought him back. But at Hardhome, I thought there was a genuine chance he could die, even though I’m not a Jon Snow fan, I thought he could. This time, I don’t care if he was trampled by a thousand horses and Boltons and Ramsay shoved a spear in his ass, at no point in this episode did I ever think Jon was going to die. And then, of course, just as Jon and ’em are gettin’ worked, a horn sounds and here comes the Knights of the Vale, while Sansa and Littlefinger are chillin’ on a hill and Ramsay is like, what in the fuck…..I didn’t plan for this at all. While this is happening, Smalljon was kickin’ Tormund’s ass, but he looks to see the Vale and Tormund goes full-on Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead and bites that mufucka’s whole throat out. That was the best part of the battle, for me.

Sidenote: some people on Reddit did this thing where they confirmed that Sansa was writing a letter to Littlefinger. We ALL knew that was who she was writing, but some know-it-all mufuckas were pressed to be like, OOOOOOOOOH LOOK, I KNOW  I KNOW. You’re a dickhole if you participate in this. Watch the show like everyone else. Spend that time being a better person so, MAYBE, someone can love you.

Anyway, the Vale is runnin’ shit and Ramsay is like, I’m out, back to Winterfell and close the gates. But he forgets that the Starks have a giant, and Wun Wun busts through the door like a big-ass Kool-Aid Man. However, he also have enough arrows in him that he looks like a human that ran through a field of hitchhikers (don’t front like you don’t know what they are), and is brought down from an arrow to the eye from Ramsay. This was the most upset I was through the whole thing. Wun Wun went out like a fuckin’ G. The G-est of Gs. Pour somethin’ out for him. But Jon and ’em are through, and Ramsay is like, aye dogg, I was just playin’, how about that one-on-one battle you suggested, and started firing arrows at him. But Jon grabs a shield and just keeps going forward until he gets to Ramsay, and sweet Jesus, he starts kicking his ass and it sounds like someone punching raw steaks. But then Sansa shows up and Jon is like, you know what, you deserve this and again, predictable. So they take down the Bolton banners and the Starks are back in Winterfell, and it was nice to see the wolf banner back there after the Starks have taking more Ls than Steph Curry is right now. When was the last time they got a win? Hell, a tie? I’m not sure they’ve taking one. Jon orders that Rickon is buried in the crypts next to Ned, and Sansa is like, where is he, so Jon tells her down in a cell. Ramsay is a mess, but he says that she’ll never be rid of him because he is a part of her…….AYE YO, SANSA PREGNANT, DOGG? SANSA PREGNANT! Man, I’d throw that baby off the highest cliff so fast, it wouldn’t even be funny. Punt that shit like it was a football. But Sansa gets the last laugh (for now) as she releases his hounds on Ramsay, who hasn’t fed them in a week, he said, and he’s like, they won’t eat me. You ain’t fed them in a week, bruh. He tries to tell them to get down, and they did……ON HIS FACE. They start tearing at him as Sansa walks away to the sound of his screams, with a smile.

My take on this battle is that, no matter how they got here, everyone was just happy for Ramsay to be dead. The battle was fantastic, visually stimulating and all that. I just found it to be wildly predictable from start to finish. But hey, Ramsay died, so this is apparently the best battle ever. Here are my GOT Battle Power Rankings:

  1. Hardhome
  2. Blackwater
  3. Battle of Winterfell (this one)
  4. Castle Black (and you might be able to switch these if you wanted to)
  5. Whatever they’re callin’ the Stannis joint from last season.

It was fine. It was very good. It wasn’t the best, tho. I chalk it up to recency bias and the fact that Ramsay died, and fuck him. And fair enough, I guess. But the fact that I can think of two battles that are way better and it’s not even close, shows you the high standard to watch Game Of Thrones is held, and usually delivers.

Now, on to the finale, which is 69 minutes long and supposed to be packed with surprises, but I’m staying away from previews because I just wanna watch it on Sunday night and be done with it. I assume it’ll be largely filled with Cersei, they’d have to touch on Bran, a little bit of….actually, you know what? I’m not making predictions. Shit will be almost 70 minutes, so we might see everyone before going into the offseason. Let’s fuckin’ get it. One more week.

 

 

Game Of Thrones S06E03 – Oathbreaker

Game Of Thrones had a lot to live up to after last week’s “Home“, which got a lot of people excited. They had to take their foot off the gas a little after that, but “Oathbreaker” was still a beast of an episode and put a few more pieces on the chess board, including one HUGE piece (or a prelude to the piece). Let’s go……….

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-I think I’ma continue the storyline-by-storyline format instead of scene-by-scene. I think it’s easier to follow and it’s easier for me to write. Again, shoutout to the GOT Wikia.

-Let’s start with Dany, who is being led by the Dothraki to Vaes Dothrak, or the House of 1000 Widows. She gets to the temple and the dosh khaleen, who is the queen of the widows, apparently, gets her naked and gives her another robe. Dany comes with her gang of nicknames, AKA Mother of Dragons, AKA Daenerys Stormborn blah blah blah and the dosh khaleen ain’t tryna hear that shit at all. The dosh khaleen tells Dany that she was in her position, and here she is. Now she has to wait until the khalasars figure out what to do with Dany because she bailed on the Dothraki after Drogo died. Meh. It’ll be all fun and games until the dragons come….and the dragons will come. One thing GOT is good at, is not stretching shit out too long and getting down to business, so that should be soon.

-Meanwhile in Meereen, Varys has a little chat with Vala, the prostitute that helped the Sons of the Harpy come in and wreck shop last season. He basically tells her to snitch on who is funding them, or she’ll die, which leaves her son as an orphan. In return, he’ll hook her up with silver and a boat to a new life, so the deal that he tried to give Shae, Tyrion’s (and Tywin) old squeeze. Then he goes to meet Tyrion, who has been tryna engage Grey Worm and Missandei in conversation, but it ain’t workin’. All Grey Worm wants to do is talk about work (we all know someone like that), and Missandei isn’t about that small-talk life, either, nor do they play drinking games, which is what Tyrion really wants to do because he’s a Lannister, although to be fair, we’ve only seen Tyrion and Cersei have a love for the wine.

Varys returns to tell them that the Sons of the Harpy are being funded by Yunkai, Astapor and Volantis; the first two are cities that Dany “freed” (Yunkai is the place where they passed Dany around like she was crowd-surfing and calling her “Mhysa”; Astopor is the place with the slaves nailed to crosses), and Volantis is where Jorah kidnapped Tyrion and took him to Dany. Anyway, they’re all coming together to fight Dany, who isn’t even there anymore, and Grey Worm wants to fight, obviously, but Missandei is against it because Meereen would be vulnerable. Tyrion says they have to think about it, but he asks Varys to send his little birds to send a message to those three cities. Solid scene, especially Tyrion tryna get Grey Worm and Missandei to be normal. They’re so dedicated to the way of life they’re in, it’s not like they’re tryna be assholes to Tyrion; they just don’t know how to shoot the shit, which is basically Tyrion’s life. But yeah, again, like above, it’ll be all fun and games until the dragons come out.

-The aforementioned little birds are actually children, and Qyburn is tryna get him on his side by giving them candy plums in exchange for “whispers”, or information. Cersei walks in with Jaime and FrankenMountain, and she tells Qyburn to get info on everyone who wants to take the Lannisters down, so basically everyone. She wants to know where the mufuckas were that were shaking their dicks at her, and throwing shit at her, the mufuckas that killed her daughter, people in the North that probably weren’t even thinking about her, but they’re gon’ get it, too. This is what I’m here for: the revenge of Cersei. Then they go to the Small Council meeting, and people aren’t happy about the FrankenMountain thing, partly because it’s kinda weird, and partly because they’re all afraid. So of course, Cersei and ’em walk in, and Lady Olenna Tyrell is back in the house, dropping some BARS on Cersei about how she might not know what it means to be the queen because she isn’t married to the king and quite frankly, the Lannisters are about that incest life. I had to pause it after she dropped that because of laughing…..Lady O is the fuckin’ best. Anyway, Lady O wants Margaery and Loras out, while Cersei and Jaime want revenge on the Sparrows, the Sand Snakes, anyone. But the Council, led by Uncle Kevan Lannister, decide to get up and leave. This is not gon’ make Cersei any happier, I’ll tell you that. At least she went in with a little respect before she just starts fuckin’ shit up. Because she WILL fuck shit up.

Then you have Tommen, who tries to bully the High Sparrow into letting Cersei see Myrcella’s final resting place. The High Sparrow says no, she hasn’t atoned fully yet and then proceeds to talk Tommen in circles about some shit that I don’t really care about. All I was thinking was, yo, KILL THIS DUDE. I’ve said this before, but one thing about Joffrey is that all this Sparrow shit would have been over a long time ago. What is this negotiation shit? But I guess it’s to make a distinction between the throne and the faith. I know Cersei won’t be happy when Tommen returns. He is so not built for this. This whole scene was the worst part of the episode. He really needs to go to Varys for some negotiation training, if this is how he’s gon’ go about it.

-Let’s go to Braavos, where Arya is continuing her training, and she’s gettin’ all kinds of fucked up by the Waif, who is asking her questions about her former life, which includes her family, the Hound, her death list, all that. But in true montage fashion (she is also mixing potions blindly), Arya finally gets better and can defend herself, and by the end of it, she even gets to hit the Waif. Jaqen comes in and the Waif goes away, and if I’m Arya, I’m now plotting to fuck her up in her sleep. Like, the worst shit I can think of. Anyway, Jaqen says she’ll have her sight back if she tells him her name and Arya says a girl has no name, which is getting old. Then he tells her to drink a bowl of water, the same shit that Arya has watched kill people, but Jaqen says that if she is no one, she has nothing to fear. She drinks it, the camera zooms in on her face and I’m like, BOOM, eyes…..and her eyes come back. Sure, it was predictable, but I’m down with Arya the Assassin, so it’s all good. So now, the question is, who is he training her to kill? The people on her list? Someone who has done him wrong in the past? Who would that even be? I guess we’ll see, but I’ll follow Arya fuckin’ people up.

-Next is Winterfell, where Ramsay is met by a fella named Smalljon Umber, who we have never met before. He doesn’t like the Boltons, he calls the late Roose a cunt, not once, but twice and accuses Ramsay of killing Roose, which is damn perceptive. He also says that he would have killed his own father if he had the chance. But he tells Ramsay that the Night’s Watch has let the wildlings past the Wall, and that the North is next, so they should come together. Ramsay says that he should bow to the Boltons and Smalljon is like, fuck all that noise, but I have a gift: he brings in Osha and Rickon, who we haven’t seen since Season 3 before the Red Wedding. Ramsey doesn’t believe that it is Rickon until Smalljon throws down the head of Shaggydog, Rickon’s direwolf. So now Ramsey is sitting pretty because he has the actual Lord of Winterfell in his position, and Rickon doesn’t know what the hell is going on. This might be better than marrying Sansa for Ramsay, and for all Rickon knows, his entire family is dead, so he doesn’t have much of a choice.

-But then we have Bran, who is watching a fight that he has heard about: Ned against the Targaryens at the end of Robert’s Rebellion. Ned is with Howland Reed, the father of Meera, who just in the last episode, said that she didn’t know what Bran needed her for. Long story short, Ned and ’em try to get to this Tower of Joy, and the Targaryen Kingsguard, led by Ser Arthur Dayne and Lord Commander Gerold Hightower. So basically, they gotta fight and the fight is on, eventually down to Ned and Arthur, and Arthur gets the better of Ned, but Howland stabs Arthur in the back of the neck. Ned, being honorable ol’ Ned, doesn’t really like that the dying Howland stepped in, but it is what it is, and he kills Ser Arthur. But then, we hear a woman scream from the tower and Ned goes to see who it is, and Bran (who yells at his father, who turns around as though he heard something) wants to follow him to see who it is, but the three-eyed raven stops the vision. Bran is mad, but the raven says that Bran has to learn everything before he leaves the cave. Sooooooooooooooo……..this is where we get the lowdown on Lyanna Stark, who was present in last week’s flashback with Ned and HodorWylis and such. That has to be her in the tower, and Ned goes to find her…..but I bet she has a baby with her, and I’ve got a pretty good idea on who that baby is. This is some other shit I’ve been waiting to find out, but I wanna let it unfold. Just think about it and I bet we all know who it is.

-Before the main event, I forgot about Sam and Gilly, who are on a boat going to Oldtown, which won’t allow women, so they have to figure that out. But first, Sam has to stop being seasick, because it’s Sam and it’s fitting. Also, Sam steppin’ up to the plate as the “father” of Young Sam or Little Sam or whatever the hell he’s called. Anyway, he’s gon’ take him to his home, Horn Hill, where his mom and sister are nice, but his father, not so much. I honestly forgot about this whole thing, but it’s on the backburner.

-We get to the Wall, where Davos is looking at a breathing and naked Jon like, what in the fuck is going on….she actually did it. Melisandre walks in like, YO I DID IT I FUCKIN TOLD YOU (not really, but you know she wanted to party). She asks him what he saw after he died and he was like, nothing, and she said the Lord of Light brought him back for a reason and he’s like, I have no idea what is going on. She leaves and Davos talks to Jon about all this, about him being dead and not being dead, and it doesn’t matter because he is here now. So Jon puts his gear on and walks out through the people, who all look like they’ve seen a ghost, and Tormund makes a dick joke before giving Jon a hug and Jon is like, yo, I just got stabbed, b, watch yourself. Then he hugs Edd, who went and got the wildlings.

Then the episode ends with Alliser, Olly’s little fuckass, and Alliser’s two homies that were behind the mutiny, and they’re chillin’ in some nooses, about to be hanged. Alliser says he’d make the same choice again because it was either betray the Night’s Watch or betray Jon…..the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. I get what he means, but he needs a speechwriter. Well, he did, before Jon swung that sword and cut the rope to hang the four. He tried to look at Olly and make Olly feel guilty, but Olly is the fucking devil and didn’t care. He was mad at Jon until the second he died, and hey, I guess I give it up to Olly and Alliser dying for what they believed in, no matter how wrong it was. Anyway, Jon takes off his cloak, gives it to Edd, which makes him the Lord Commander, and he says that his watch has ended as Jon walks away. I don’t know where the hell he thinks he’s going. It’s cold as a mufucka up there. But Melisandre and Davos won’t be far behind. Maybe he’ll bump into Sansa along the way because now, the Starks gotta get the band back together and save Rickon from becoming Ramsay’s puppet.

While “Oathbreaker” wasn’t as action-packed as “Home”, it was still pretty damn good, from the Ned fight scene to the hanging, which we all cheered about. But it was a game-changer in the fact that, well, just wait until you see who is in the tower. This is really the only theory I’ve subscribed to in terms of GOT, and they took a huge step in confirming that last night. But I figure next week they’ll get back to Sansa and Brienne, and we gotta figure out where Jon is going. Dorne will probably make an appearance (although I’d be cool with it being skipped), and let’s push along Operation: Get the Sparrows The Fuck Outta here, shall we? Oh, and dragons. Did they get out of the basement yet? Have they eaten? When will they hook up with Drogon and find Dany? Where the hell are Daario and Jorah, even? Still ain’t seen Littlefinger yet. Things are ratcheting up on Game Of Thrones.

Game Of Thrones S05E05 – Kill The Boy

We’re at the halfway point of Season 5 for Game Of Thrones, and while it has been a very good season, it has been maybe a little down by its standards. “Kill The Boy” did hit on a few things, but it also whiffed on a couple. Honestly, I think it’s just because I’m caught up in the final run of Mad Men, but I mean, it’s still Dem Thrones and their “okay” episodes still do a lot. Let’s go…

-We open with Missandei sitting with Grey Worm, who is still alive after coming out on the wrong end of the Sons Of The Harpy massacre, but we can’t say the same for Ser Barristan the Bold as Dany and Daario stand over the slain Selmy as Loraq offers his condolences. Dany gives a nod to the book-readers who were mad that Barristan didn’t get enough shine for being a great fighter in the past, yet he died in an alley by some bum-ass dudes with masks. I get why they’re mad, but you can’t fit everything into the show. You just can’t. We’d get 20-episode seasons, which I would be okay with, but I’m realistic. Anyway, Daario suggests setting up a base, but Dany is like, bring me the leaders of the families, like Loraq, who knows how this is going down.

-Next, we’re in the basement and you can hear the clinking of chains that are holding some very pissed-off dragons. Dany gives a speech about not giving up on her children and basically, she was just disciplining them and they understand, which they seem to do before setting one of the leaders on fire while tearing him apart at the same time. So, here is the thing: I’ve always said that they wouldn’t hurt Dany and she is their mother, and she ran away. And she was right, but man, this scene came off kinda cheesy to me (although dragons burning stuff is badass anyway). I’ll buy it this time because it’s Dany and I fucks with her, but the execution? Meh. But I do agree with what her electoral platform would be: I got dragons…bow down, bitches.

-Also, if you don’t think this episode wasn’t saved specifically for Mother’s Day, you’re crazy.

-Sam is reading a letter to Maester Aemon, who is worried about Dany being alone without family, which is fitting because well, he is her great-uncle. Jon Snow enters to ask for his advice about the wildlings, but he doesn’t even get a chance to ask him because Aemon doesn’t want to know and it doesn’t matter: this is Jon’s decision and he repeats to him to “kill the boy”, and that winter is almost upon them (dammit, it’s coming, we know). Now I thought he was talking about Ollie, who killed Ygritte, but my homegirl Jamie put forth that he was telling Jon to kill the boy inside him and that this is a man’s decision, more or less. That sounds much better, but it’s not like Game Of Thrones is above killing children.

-Jon meets with Tormund to try and broker peace; he goes to get the rest of the wildlings and bring them south of The Wall, if they help fight the White Walkers when they eventually come. Like Mance Rayder, Tormund is stubborn and says they won’t do it, but Jon calls him a coward and Tormund is like, easy to say when I’m in chains. Jon strolls over and undoes the chains and looks him in his eyes like, YEAH I SAID IT AND WHAT. That gets Jon some respect from Tormund and I mean, come on, Jon killed that big-ass Thenn last season. But Tormund has a request of his own: they need ships for the people and Jon has to come with him. Jon says he’ll talk to Stannis and figure shit out. Jon better bring a crew with him.

-Jon brings this up at his next meeting and no one is really down for the cause, except Sam, of course. Even Alliser’s bitch ass has something to say because he doesn’t know how close he was to being sent away somewhere, or even killed. Anyway, Jon says fuck y’all and this is how it’s goin’ down. Back in his quarters, Ollie enters and Jon persuades him to speak freely about his decision. He is obviously pissed because the wildlings and Thenns teamed up to destroy his village, including his parents, but Jon is like, nah b, winter is coming and we got these White Walkers to deal with, so we need people. Ollie ain’t tryna hear it and hey, maybe he DOES need to die.

-Pod da Gawd and Brienne are in an inn somewhere around Winterfell and Brienne is so adamant that Sansa needs her help, which she might, but Brienne ain’t sneaking in. So she gives a letter to a servant, who is shocked that there is a Stark left in the world, and she is right here. That’s a big assumption by Brienne to believe this person will get that note to Sansa and not to the Boltons. Also, I don’t know if it’s just me, but I swear we’ve seen that servant before, which is why I’m worried that was the wrong thing to do by Brienne.

-We get naked Myranda, who was last seen plottin’ on Sansa, and Ramsey, who listens to her be jealous of his wedding to Sansa, but he doesn’t care and says that he is marrying Sansa while continuing to own her, because he’s a charming fella. She says she’ll marry someone and he’s like, if you don’t go the fuck on…..then she tries to hit him and that obviously doesn’t go well for her, but Ramsey likes this shit and slides it in, while also threatening to kill her in a roundabout way. Why did I think he wouldn’t hurt Sansa again?

-Speak of the devil, Sansa gets a message from a woman that says she still has people that will roll with her in the North, and if she needs help, take a candle to the Broken Tower. Sansa goes to visit the tower, the same tower where Bran was pushed out of by Jaime to kick this whole thing off, and she is met by Myranda, who tries to befriend her, but comes off as creepy, of course. Myranda takes Sansa to the kennels, where we hear a bunch of dogs barking at Sansa, but in the last cage, we have Theon/Reek, and she is floored. She says his name and he is like, NOAP and tells her she shouldn’t be here. Sansa is FURIOUS.

-Ramsey confronts Theon/Reek about his meeting with Sansa, but shit, it wasn’t even his fault! He looks and acts like he is about to punish dude because he’s fucking Ramsey Bolton, but he forgives him, so you know something worse is coming.

-Ramsey is at dinner with Sansa, his father and Walda Frey, Roose’s new wife (from the “Red Wedding” fallout), and while he seemed cool at first, he brings out Theon/Reek, making it awkward for everyone, especially when he makes him apologize to Sansa for “killing” Bran and Rickon. He manages to spit it out while Sansa looks disgusted and is like, shit, first, Joffrey, now this? Ramsey then suggests that Theon/Reek give Sansa away at the wedding and Roose goes along with it, but I feel this will turn on them with the quickness, so I’m okay with it. But Ramsey’s partyin’ was brought to a screeching halt when Roose announces that Walda is pregnant, which jeopardizes Ramsey’s spot in line for power and Sansa came THISCLOSE and giving Ramsey the “DX SUCK IT” in his face. She hit that little smirk and it was good.

-Ramsey goes to his pops to see what’s up and Roose tells the story of Ramsey’s birth. Roose raped someone’s wife (after hanging him, of course) and next thing you know, Ramsey was on his doorstep. There were no DNA tests, so Roose was like, NAH, and was about to hang the woman, but he looked at Ramsey and was like, shit, he looks just like me, crazy as shit. Then he tells Ramsey that Stannis has an army and wants the Iron Throne, but he has to go through Winterfell to get to King’s Landing and he needs Ramsey’s help to stop him. Ramsey is always down for a fight, while Roose is like, well, he ain’t thinking about that shit anymore.

-Sam and Gilly are talking in the library when in walks Stannis, who asks to speak to Sam. He knows who Sam’s father was (defeated his brother Robert in his only loss) and he’s surprised that Sam looks the way he does, but hey, he killed a White Walker with a dagger made of dragonglass. Stannis orders Sam to keep researching why dragonglass kills White Walkers. Stannis is starting to come around with me. He seems to be militarily sound and dammit, a good father.

-Stannis then tells Davos that they’re leaving for Winterfell the next morning and while Davos protests that they should wait for Jon and his reinforcements, Stannis wants to surprise the Boltons, and he wants Shireen and his wife to come with them because The Wall is full of criminals. So you want them to go to a battle? Really, it’s pick your poison for Stannis.

-Selyse stops Shireen from talking to Davos, then shoots a dirty look as she tries to say goodbye to Gilly and Sam. I hope Selyse dies outchea in these streets. Lowkey, she has become one of the most vile characters on Game Of Thrones, and that’s saying something. Meanwhile, Jon goes to see Stannis off and thanks him for the ships and Stannis is like, I need them shits back. They roll out and he gets a “fuck me” look from Melisandre, but I think that’s just the way she looks at everyone.

-Grey Worm wakes up to Missandei, and he finds out that Barristan is dead, which makes him feel like a failure. He also says he was afraid and the Unsullied aren’t afraid, but he was scared that he would never see Missandei again, to which she kisses him. Sure. There has to be a point to this love story, right? One of them won’t make it.

-Dany asks Missandei what her opinion of the fighting-pits dilemma is, and eventually Missandei tells her that she has seen Dany make decisions based on her counsel’s advice, but she is also capable of making her own decisions, so really, Missandei didn’t tell her anything. Somewhere, Dany formulates a plan and goes to the cell where Loraq is being held, tells him that they’ll re-open the pits, but only for free people. He also learns that Dany is going to marry the head of an ancient family to forge a bond with the people of Meereen, and it’s probably gon’ be Loraq, who has to have Big Pun’s “You Came Up” blasting in his head. Even if it’s just for show, he won…..for now.

-Tyrion is tryna be friends with Jorah so he doesn’t catch a backhand again, and he figures out that they’re cutting to Meereen through Old Valyria, which is where Dany’s bloodline comes from. Tyrion is a bit worried, but he wants to see the ruins of this once-great civilization, and I think he’s kind of impressed that Jorah would go through this sort of trouble to get Dany something from here. The shot of them sailing up to the entrance of the ruins is just wonderful, eerie and misty, and then we see Drogon flying overhead….so that’s where he has been hiding. Tyrion has heard of the dragons, but he has never seen one himself, while Jorah is like, yeah dude, shit is real, although the last time he saw Drogon, he wasn’t this big. But in the background, you see something jump into the water and they get jumped by the Stone Men, who are infected with greyscale so bad that they were sent to Old Valyria to live out their days, and they can give it to you by touching your skin as we learned from Stannis in “Sons Of The Harpy“. A fight ensues and Jorah keeps Tyrion (who is screaming for Jorah to untie his hands, but he is a little busy) and he succeeds until Tyrion jumps overboard to escape one, but another Stone Man grabs him and pulls him under the water. After a short period of time, Jorah is waking Tyrion up and the two are on a beach, where they decide to chill for the night and rest as they have to start walking around Slaver’s Bay. However, Jorah turns away from Tyrion and pulls up his sleeve to reveal that he was indeed touched by a Stone Man, which makes sense because he fought off like, 5-6 guys.

Overall, this wasn’t my favorite episode of Game Of Thrones, but it was necessary. It had a little too much Ramsey and the Boltons for my liking, but we see why Myranda is eventually gon’ go nuts on someone, probably Sansa. The Missandei/Grey Worm thing didn’t need to happen (even though I like both of them), nor did the 1-2 minutes that Sam and Gilly were alone (and again, I fucks with them). I don’t even know what the hell Dany is doing, but it doesn’t matter now, because she has dragons (and I think Drogon senses that all is good with Moms and his brothers, so he was on his way back to Meereen when Jorah and Tyrion saw him). And of course, the end was badass and Jorah got dat ‘scale.

We all know that Game Of Thrones has another gear or two, we’re just waiting for it to get there.