Tag Archives: Yara Greyjoy

Game Of Thrones S07E2 – Stormborn

Game Of Thrones rolls on with “Stormborn”, which doesn’t waste any time getting right into the story. They don’t have much time left, and there are no wasted scenes like Dany’s three-day walk up to her long-ass Dragonstone driveway. Let’s go…..

-Dany is in the war room with Tyrion and Varys, and they’re talking about how she was born, hence the title of the episode. Tyrion is tryna talk her out of burning the shit outta Cersei, which would be entertaining and all, but not the smartest of moves, which is why he is the Hand. Dany is like, fine, whatever, so, Varys, what’s good with that assassins you sent for me? But to his credit, Varys doesn’t back down from the Dragon Queen and says that he switched sides with everyone else because they were incompetent, and that he is penis-less and straight out the ‘hood, G. He’s for the people and that she’s the last real one alive, but if she just wants blind loyalty from her, she might as well kill him. Dany’s like, okay, you get a shot and you gotta be real with me, because if you don’t, BBQ bird will be on the menu (no penis intended). Varys says that he would expect nothing less. So, I hope we all know and realize that Dany is crazy, yeah? There is this whole thing surrounding Dany that she is the savior of the show and one of the protagonists along with Jon, and sure, she might be. But I hope we all know and realize that if you sideeye her, she’ll set your family and soul on the reddest of fires.

-Speaking of fires, Melisandre the Catfish shows up to tell Dany that she might be The Prince That Was Promised, which comes from the Lord of Light. At this point, I’m not sure I’d trust Melisandre because she stays being wrong about shit. First, it was Stannis, who I STILL think is alive somehow. Then it was Jon, who she brought back to life, I guess, and now it might be Dany. Melisandre tells Dany that she should talk to Jon because he’s the King in the North now and has the Wildlings as well, and Tyrion is like, cool, Jon and I hung out at the Wall, he’s good people. Dany is like, sure, I’ll holla at him, but he better come in knee bent….or again, surely, fire and tyranny. Which I wouldn’t really be mad at. Dany is on her kiss-the-ring shit and this shit should have been done two seasons ago.

-Next, the war plan is set with Yara and Ellaria wanting to go in on King’s Landing, and Tyrion goes at Ellaria for poisoning Ellaria, while she’s like, bitch, my man died for your punk ass, sit down somewhere. Dany shuts shit down and tells Ellaria to respect her Hand, and we ain’t gotta deal with this now. Lady O steps in to ask Dany sarcastically if she’s gon’ take the throne politely, and that Cersei got it by blowing everyone up, including Margaery. Tyrion then comes up with a plan, which means the Tyrell army and the Dornish army going into King’s Landing because the Unsullied and Dothraki would bring together all the armies of Westeros, because racism (and he’s right). So, while they’re doing that, the Unsullied and ’em would take over Casterly Rock, which means Cersei would have nowhere to retreat to after King’s Landing was invaded. Yara would take Ellaria back to Dorne to get her people, and then head to King’s Landing. Sure, seems like a good plan. The Casterly Rock bit was especially good because I think that might be the last true place that fucks with the Lannisters, and not just because Cersei is crazy.

-Then there is a dope scene with Dany and Lady O, who basically tells her to stop listening to people and that all this peace shit gotta stop. Be a dragon and burn mufuckas. You don’t have time for all this Kumbaya shit, and that’s the only way that this will work. Again, not wrong. She wasn’t down with sacrificing her army at first, but Lady O knows what’s good.

-Grey Worm tells Missandei that she is his weakness, she gets naked, so does he, and we still don’t know what he has. Did they take the whole package or leave something? Anyway, what he does do is, in the words of the great southwestern Unsullied warriors, he shows her what dat mouf do. Good for him.

-Cersei tries to rally the troops because Dany is coming with the brown people that will rape and pillage their women…..does that sound a little familiar to, well, everyone living in this real world right now? Randyll Tarly, Sam’s pops, asks her what she’s gon’ do about these dragons, tho, and Cersei is all, we’re working on something. Randyll and Jaime talk, and Jaime even tries to give him a promotion to general if House Tarly works with them, but Randyll is still loyal to Lady O. Jaime is like, man, I know my sister is fucking crazy, but compared to Dany, this is the move, and Randyll might have bought it, or at least put on that he did.

-Meanwhile, Qyburn takes Cersei underneath the Red Keep and tells her that dragons can be hurt by spears, so he has come up with a super-crossbow that will fuck Drogon’s whole life up. She then tests it out on Balerion, which was the dragon of Aegon Targaryen, the first Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and the starter of all this Targaryen shit, basically. That shit smashes through the skull so smoothly. Cersei is like, I need my wine so I can get this conniving smirk on.

-Jon gets a letter from Tyrion about Dany, but he and Sansa don’t think he should go now; Davos does, tho. Then he gets a letter from Sam about Dany sitting on ALL of the dragonglass, and that changes his mind about going there. A whole buncha people think it’s a terrible idea, but Jon is like, guess what the White Walkers are….ice, and what hurts ice……DRAGONS, B. Anyway, he’s going because he’s the King and fuck what y’all are on, and Sansa is in charge, so don’t try and pull any substitute-teacher shit.

-Littlefinger meets up with Jon and tells him that Tyrion can be trusted, and that he loved Catelyn and Jon is like, if you don’t get the fuck on. Then he tells Jon that he loves Sansa and Jon grabs him up by the throat, which Littlefinger might have liked because I bet he’s into all that shit. Gettin’ high heels in the small of his back and shit. Anyway, Jon and ’em roll out and he waves to Sansa, meanwhile, if Littlefinger had a moustache, he woulda twirled that shit.

-Arya meets up with the homie Hot Pie, who I had to Google because we ain’t seen him since Season 3. He makes good pies now, and he doesn’t even make Arya pay for it. He also tells her that Cersei blew everyone up in King’s Landing, and that Jon is the King of the North now, so she should probably go there. She does, but then she is surrounded by a pack of wolves, led by Nymeria, who is now big as all shit. She recognizes Arya, which is good for her because Nymeria would have fucked her up. But Nymeria doesn’t wanna go to Winterfell with her and lets her go, to which Arya remarks, “that’s not you”. We’ll see Nymeria again. I promise you that. Basically right when Arya is about to meet her end, I bet.

-Sam and the Archmaester check out Jorah’s greyscale, so it’s good that they didn’t waste any time telling us what 95% of us probably knew. The Archmaester says that he can’t be saved, but he’ll give Jorah one more day because he is, or at least was, a knight. Sam instead says that two cases of greyscale have been treated, but here is the thing: this shit is gon’ HURT. Like, death really might have been better than watching Sam tear the skin right off of Lord Friendzone, and then he puts a little ointment on it. Now, does he have to tear off all of the greyscale, or just a little? Because if it’s all of it, man, fuck all that, just kill me, dogg. I’d never make it. But Jorah gotta stay alive for the woman that he’ll never get, so I guess it’s worth it? Anyway, once he’s done torturing him and he’s better, Sam will tell Jorah that Dany is at Dragonstone with Jon, and they’ll become the next Arya/Hound and Brienne/Pod duo.

-The final scene is the battle, and we all saw that: there was a buncha fighting and shit. Also, Yara and Ellaria start making out, which was kinda unnecessary, I guess, although it did make Theon uncomfortable, and I’m all for him not feeling good in any way, shape or form. Anyway, Euron and his people show up and start kicking all sorts of ass. Two of Ellaria’s daughters are killed by Euron, while the third, along with Ellaria, are taken hostage. That’s cool, because the Sand Snakes were kinda wack. I’m sure they were better in the book because as book readers will tell you, everything is better in the book because books have words on paper and shit. Yara and Euron have a go and Euron wins, and Theon is about to step in. Euron wants him to try and save his sister, and Theon thinks about it for a minute, and then…..well, this tweet says it better than anything I could write.

-Seriously, if you still feel bad for Theon, you’re a sucker. I hope everything in life that is bad happens to him. Like, all that shit that Ramsay did to him? I want that to be a playground compared to what eventually happens to him. Dogg, this was your one chance to redeem yourself. They better not give him any more chances. That was it. Next time we see Theon, he better be on a stick. Ol’ ball-less face ass. I hate that dude.

I think that was everything, I think we’ve seen everyone that needs to be seen now. I think next week is the Battle of Casterly Rock, there was a snippet where some mufuckas were invading something, so I’m guessing it was that. Really, all we need to see now is fighting and scheming. No sexy times, we don’t have time for that and you can see nudity literally any time you want on the internet, and in really gross fashion if you’re into that sort of thing. But let’s see if Cersei can pivot if she loses Casterly Rock, or at least can Jaime can persuade her to not be petty for like, 10 minutes (spoiler: he can’t). Oh, Jon meets Dany next week. She needs to greet him with a “what up, nephew” (I know she doesn’t know yet, either). Oh, and check in with the mufuckas on The Wall. Next week is four minutes long than the first two episodes, so we should be able to squeeze in some extra shit.

Game Of Thrones S06E04 – Book Of The Stranger

I bet y’all were pretty excited for this episode of Game Of Thrones. I was initially as well. And as always, it was a great episode. But some of your favorites, one in particular, I’m not really impressed with what they pulled off in “Book Of The Stranger”. Let’s go.

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-Let’s start at the Vale, where we get the return of Littlefinger, and he is greeted by Robin Arryn, who would still be breastfeeding as a teenager if Littlefinger ain’t push his mother out the moon door. Littlefinger accuses Lord Yohn Royce (thank you, GOT Wikia, because I ain’t know this dude’s name at all) of snitching on Sansa’s location to the Boltons, and after giving Robin a pet falcon for his birthday (good luck tryna tame that, homie), he puts Royce’s life on the line. Robin suggests the moon door for Royce, and Littlefinger knows that he can suggest anything and Robin will listen, so instead, he gets Royce to pledge his loyalty to House Arryn in exchange for not dying. Then Littlefinger suggests to Robin that they rally the troops and head to the Wall, where Sansa has probably hollered at Jon, and Robin’s dumb ass is like, sure, bruh. Littlefinger is so underrated. How many major plots has he been behind without anyone knowing? He might be the most ambitious character in Game Of Thrones….and now he has an army. Shoutout to him knowing where Sansa would go, too.

-Up at the Wall, Edd is tryna persuade Jon to stay on as Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, but Jon is like, nah, it said that if I gave my life, my watch has ended…..mufuckas ain’t say shit about coming back to life, and loopholes are a bitch, ain’t they? But just then, the gates open for Sansa, Brienne and Pod, and when Sansa and Jon see each other, it’s pretty dope since they’ve both been through a lot. But, that being said, Sansa admits she was awful to Jon when they were children because he was a bastard. That’s why he is hesitant when Sansa unfurls her plan to take back Winterfell from the Boltons, using the wildlings. Jon is like, well, one, I’ve killed a buncha people and I’m tired, and two, you were really an asshole to me growing up. He didn’t even like Winterfell; he volunteered to go to the Night’s Watch if I remember correctly. So why in the hell should he help Sansa? Because he’s Jon Snow and honorable and all that bullshit. And you know that he will, so don’t be pressed. And it happens later as Ramsay sends a letter to the Wall, telling Jon that he has Rickon in a dungeon and if Sansa isn’t returned to him, he’s killing the wildlings, let his boys run trains on Sansa, and feeding Rickon to the dogs. I wonder if Ramsay has a ghostwriter, because those bars he dropped were fearsome, yet elegant, and he kept hittin’ Jon with that “bastard” like he was Cam’ron, ending each bar with the same word (just trust me on this one, shoutout to Dip Set). So obviously, Sansa convinces Jon to roll out with the wildlings and ask some people around the North as there are about 2,000 of them, and about 5,000 of Ramsay. So your favorite, Jon Snow, will be the one to take down Ramsay. Which is fine. He obviously isn’t going to die again. Special honorable mention in this scene is Tormund, eatin’ chicken and lookin’ at Brienne with fuck-me eyes and Brienne is so uncomfortable that she might fight him….then they’ll end up having all of the sex. And we’ll see it, too. I’ll watch it, too. That shit will be good and gross.

Then there is Davos talking to Melisandre, who says that she’ll listen to only Jon, and she won’t tell him what happened to Shireen because, yeah Davos, Stannis sacrificed ya little buddy. But Brienne rolls up on them to say that she remembers Renly being killed by Melisandre’s vagina shadow monster (you come up with a better name for it), that she doesn’t forgive or forget, and she killed Stannis after he admitted to killing Renly with blood magic. Melisandre better at least let Brienne get some before she brings out the VSM again.

-Quickly, in the Iron Islands, Theon finds his way back to Yara, who is grieving their father, and she goes on him about how she brought men to get him away from Ramsay and they died. Theon says that he was broken into a thousand pieces, and he’s right, and she thinks that he wants to come back and claim the throne. Theon might want it eventually, but not right now, and that he’s willing to help her take the throne. Meh. They’ll probably end up helping Jon against Ramsay. They better or they don’t really serve much of a purpose.

-Speaking of our lovable Ramsay, he calls for Osha, ol’ girl that was riding with Rickon. He’s peeling an apple, and you should just assume that something is happening in his scene. She talks shit about the Starks, and tries to seduce Ramsay by straddling him and putting her hand down his pants, and Ramsay plays along, but he tells her that she pulled this shit with Theon to get Bran and Rickon out of Winterfell. She tries to stab him with a knife and he gets her first, stabbing her in the neck. Point of this scene? If you ain’t know by now, Ramsay Bolton ain’t playin’. Also, if you didn’t know that by now, you should just stop watching Game Of Thrones.

-Let’s hit King’s Landing. That big-ass nun opens Margaery’s cell and takes her to the High Sparrow, and Margaery wants to see Tommen and her family, but he’s like, NAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. He tells her some story about when he used to party and sin, and I bet he was buck wild when he partied, doing lines off strippers and shit. He came to some awakening while this was happening and found the Faith of the Seven, and I blanked out when he was speaking, once again. But he is impressed that she knows the Book of the Stranger, which sounds like a sex move, and takes her to see her brother Loras, who is just a damn mess. Margaery tries to tell him to be strong and he’s like, nah, bruh, we gotta make this stop. That’s all he kept saying. What in the hell are they doing to him?

Then we head over to the Red Keep, where Cersei finds Pycelle with Tommen, and he wants Tommen to give in to the High Sparrow. Cersei ain’t about that at all and gets Pycelle outta here, and he slowly shuffles outta the room, staring at Cersei the whole way. That shuffle was good, bruh. That’s how I figure I’ll be moving when I get that age. Anyway, Tommen says he talked to the High Sparrow and Cersei was like, dammit, they got to him, and she’s like, nah, you’re the King, they humiliated your mother and your wife is next. We gotta go at his head. Then Cersei, with Jaime, heads over to the Small Council, where Uncle Kevan and Lady O are chillin’, and it’s all fun and games partyin’ on Cersei until she tells them that Margaery is next for the walk of atonement, and yo…..if you have it recorded, or you can find it, just pause it when the camera switches to Lady O. I swear to God, she wanted to take her earrings off and be like, not my damn grandbaby, OH HELL NO. So they convince her to get her big-ass army, come in and roll over the Sparrows while the Baratheon/Lannister armies sit back and chill. Cersei also reminds Uncle Kevan that the Sparrows took Lancel, his son, Cersei’s cousin and our introduction to the Sparrows. So now, Cersei has the Tyrell army and FrankenMountain. GODDAMN, A LOTTA PEOPLE ARE ABOUT TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE.

-Meereen is next, and Tyrion is backed up by Grey Worm and Missandei, meeting with the Masters of Yunkai, Astapor and Volantis. Grey Worm wants to fight, but yo, we saw y’all against the Sons of the Harpys last season; for being such great fighters, y’all let a buncha cilivians punk you, bruh. But Tyrion suggests that, maybe, they ease the abolishing of slavery, giving the Masters seven years to get out of the game. Missandei and Grey Worm aren’t really happy about this, they do put on a united front with Tyrion, who also gives women to the Masters to persuade them. I’m not really sure what Tyrion’s plan is here, and it seems like a really bad move. But again, dragons listen to him, so if push comes to shove, he has that. They all just need to get outta there, I’m getting pretty tired of Meereen.

-Finally, we’re in Vaes Dothrak, where Jorah and Daario figure out where Dany is. Daario is tryna make jokes about how Dany picked him, and Jorah is like, man, we ain’t got time for that petty shit right now. I think the old Daario could pull off not being a dickbutt…..this dude, I’m just waiting for him to die. Jorah convinces him to leave his weapons outside because you can’t carry weapons in the city, but just then, Daario sees the Greyscale infection on Jorah’s arm. Jorah says he’s fine and it hasn’t touched Daario, but I bet Daario will stop being petty now. So they sneak into the city at night and two Dothraki see them. Jorah tries to lie and say they’re merchants, but they just end up killing them because Jorah is a terrible liar. They even smash one dude’s head with a rock to make it seem like they didn’t bring it weapons, but I don’t think that really makes a difference. Cover your bases, tho, I guess.

Dany is chillin’ with the rest of the Khal widows, and the High Priestess is tryna talk to Dany, who doesn’t really care and excuses herself to go pee. She gets an escort, a lhazareen (not super important) whose khal died when she was 16. But they’re met by Jorah and Daario, who put a knife to her throat, but Dany is like, nah, calm down, she’s with me, she’s good. They want her to leave, but Dany knows that they probably won’t make it out alive, so she has a plan. Then there is the khalar vezhven, which is basically where all the khals meet to talk about stuff, and they’re tryna figure out what to do with her. A couple of them want to use her as a rape toy because that’s kinda what they do. Some want to make her their khaleesi, and some want to ransom her to the Wise Masters, who have a price on her head. Then Dany pipes up with, what about what I want, and they all look at her like she put an algebraic formula up on a blackboard, like, what do you mean? The Dothraki aren’t really here for the feelings of women; they lock them up in a temple when their khal dies, for fuck sakes. So Dany tells them that she doesn’t think any of them are fit to lead the Dothraki, but she is. They all laugh and the one that found her, Moro, says that she will indeed become a rape toy for not only the khals, but their bloodriders and then, their horses. Dany looks at him like, “O RLY”, and puts her hand in the middle, like, a torch or something (it’s called a brazier, it holds hot coals). She proceeds to burn the entire place down, and the place goes up fast as shit. Rod from The Black Guy Who Tips had the tweet of the night: “What the fuck? Is this place made of gasoline?” (y’all should check out the TBGWT podcast recaps for Game Of Thrones. They come out every Wednesday and they’re the best). She looks Moro dead in his eyes before throwing the last brazier on him, and everyone starts running towards the temple outside. Then, out comes naked Dany (no, I don’t know if it was a body double and I honestly don’t care. It’s the internet. I can see titties any time I want. Stop being pressed), walking out of the temple, and everyone starts bowing. Jorah and Daario are the last ones to bow, and Daario is confused because Jorah was there when she walked out of the pyre in, what, Season 1? He’s never seen anything like this and Dany looks at him like, mufucka, you BETTER get on your knees.

So, here is my thing with this: I’ve been riding with the Stormborn Gang for a long time now, basically since she walked out that pyre. I fucks with Dany, that’s my dogg. And cool, now she has another army. But what is this, army #3? She has had the Dothraki before through Drogo, then she bought the Unsullied, then she has the slaves willing to ride for her (although they’re not really fuckin’ with her right now). It seems like I’m forgetting one, as well. Point is, Dany has had backing before, but she has to make a decision: does she want to be a slave liberator, or does she want her throne back? Being a slave freer is fine and noble and all…..but this is a television show and I don’t care about them. Use all these people, go get your dragons, and stop playing Harriet Tubman. I’m happy she did this and all, but we’ve seen it before. Fucking DO SOMETHING WITH IT.

So next week, we need to get back to Bran, so he can finally confirm who is in the tower and storylines can start coming together. We’ll get back to Arya, I would assume, and probably Jon going around with his hand out, tryna build an army to go after Ramsay, which is also where Littlefinger comes in. I’m also ready to see Lady O get the Sparrows outta here, because I’m about done with them; they’re the only time I kinda zone out and not pay attention. Oh, and Dany and ’em should start making their way back to Meereen, and Tyrion’s deal will get thrown in the bushes, because the Dothraki will just kill everyone who opposes her. That was a nice GOT debut from Daniel Sackheim, who directed the last two episodes. Next up is Mark Mylod, who did “High Sparrow” and “Sons of the Harpy” from last season. He’ll take over the next two episodes. Almost at the halfway point; everyone is on the chess board now.

Game Of Thrones S06E02 – Home

Normally, I work on Sunday nights, so I just stay off social media for the most part until Monday morning, which is when I’d watch Game Of Thrones. I usually don’t even check my phone, but Raptors Game 7 was on, so I had to and the first message rolled in, like, one minute after the Atlantic time viewing aired. Then, within three minutes of the Mountain time viewing, I got two text messages, one from my roommate, who knows I usually come home, play some FIFA on the PS4 and then go to bed. He texted me a slew of cuss words, a buncha “WOWs” and finished off with “Fuck FIFA, b”. So I broke tradition and watched it when I got home. And yeah……they were all right. “Home” is up there with the very best episodes of Game Of Thrones. Let’s go…..

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-We open with Bran’s big ass, we ain’t seen him in a minute. He is dreaming, watching a scene between his pops, his uncle Benjen, his Aunt Lyanna and Hodor, whose name used to be Wyllis, apparently, and he used to talk. Lyanna is Ned’s sister, and Bran acknowledges that Ned didn’t talk much about her. All we know about her is that she was kidnapped by Rhaegar Targaryen prior to marrying Robert Baratheon, who started a war to find her. She was killed before that, but we don’t know how; I assume we’ll see that through Bran and that would endear the storyline more to me. There is a lot that we don’t know about what happened before GOT started, well, we know what happened, but we didn’t see it….and a lot of stuff we didn’t see will play into what happens in the future. Anyway, the Three-Eyed Raven stops that dream like a mufucka and Bran is carried outside to see Meera, who is told by Leaf, one of the Children of the Forest, that Bran will need her when they get out in these streets. The Raven gotta sort out Bran’s legs, b. Hodor’s back gotta be all fucked up. Anyway, this storyline looks like it’s going to move quickly. I’m really tryna care about it because I know it’ll be important.

-Let’s move to Braavos, where Arya keeps gettin’ fucked up by the Waif, who is not messin’ around. That shit looks like it hurts, and the Waif keeps asking Arya what her name is, and she keeps replying, “no one”. Then Jaqen shows up and he tries to bribe her with things if she says her name: he’ll give her somewhere to sleep, get her some food, even give her sight back, but Arya keeps on with the “no name” shit. So Jaqen is like, come on, and tells Arya to leave her money dish because she isn’t a beggar anymore. So, is he gon’ lead her or what? SHE CAN’T SEE. At least hold her arm or something, give her a walking stick, a dog, something.

-Next, we’ll go to the Iron Islands, where Balon Greyjoy and Yara are tryna figure out their next move as they lost a lot of people at Deepwood Motte, which is close to Winterfell. I don’t know this exactly, but that is what the GOT Wikia is for (if you ever have any questions at all about GOT, just go there). They’re bickering because Balon thinks they would have been fine had Yara not taken men to find Theon, and basically tells her that it doesn’t matter what she thinks, he is the king and she’ll listen, or he’ll make another heir. I don’t know how old he is, but I don’t know how much more time Balon has for heir-making. That being said, old-ass men have gotten women pregnant in this show before. He leaves and starts walking along this messed-up suspension bridge, in the middle of a storm, mind you, and Balon is stopped by a man, who turns out to be his younger brother’s Euron. This is our first time meeting Euron, and we haven’t even heard of him since Season 1, and long story short, he was a pirate who ripped out the tongues of his crew. He calls himself the Drowned God, and I know there is a Based God joke in here somewhere, but I’ll let him cook. He tells Balon that he is too old for this shit now and someone else needs to step up, so when Balon tries to cut him, he tosses his old ass over the bridge. Then they had the funeral, and Balon looked pretty damn good for someone who fells a long way down to some jagged rocks; that’s some good body preservation. Yara thinks she is taking the throne, but Aeron Greyjoy, the youngest Greyjoy brother, says that the Kingsmoot will decide who the next king is, not what Yara thinks Balon would have wanted. She’s right, but the law is the law, and this would be made easier if Balon had a son. If he only had a son…..

-So we move to the North, where Brienne tells Sansa about meeting Arya and Sansa says she should have went with Brienne earlier, but hindsight is 20/20. Then Theon tells Sansa that he is leaving, and he is going home…..where there is an opening for the throne, so keep an eye on that. He tearfully tells her that Brienne and Pod can look after her now, and if he can take a horse to get home. He better hope he gets there without Ramsey and ’em seeing him. So, speaking of Ramsey, Roose is talking to him and Harald Karstark about the Sansa situation, and Ramsey just wants to wild the fuck out and kill everyone, and Roose tells him, if he acts like a wild dog, he will be treated as such by the people. Then a maester comes in to tell Roose that he now has a son from Walda Frey, which puts Ramsey’s spot as the heir on shaky ground. As Ramsey goes to hug his father in congratulations, he stabs him in the stomach, although we all thought, or at least hoped, that it was the other way around. He tells the shocked maester to send out a raven saying that his father was poisoned, while Harald Karstark is in the background like, YUP. He was ready to back Ramsey’s “kill ’em all, sort it out later” plan, so now that shit is in full effect. But wait…….it gets better. Ramsey sends for Walda and his new half-brother, and he says he is taking them to see Roose, but leads them down to where the dogs are, the rabid, hungry, snarling dogs. Walda was like, sooooooooooo, where is your father and quickly realizes, oh shit….yo, I’ll leave and you’ll never hear from us again, while Ramsey is walking around, opening the cages. How many times did you say, “nah, he ain’t gon’ do this…..right? NAH”. We all knew this was coming, that Ramsey was killin’ Walda and the baby if it was a boy, but yo…..he sicced the dogs on ’em, bruh. Too much of a fuckboy to even do it himself. Goddammit, I hate this dude. Joffrey ain’t got SHIT on Ramsey, who owns the top two spots in the “Most Disturbing Shit to Ever Happen on GOT” list. For me, #1 was the Sansa rape, #2 is this, and #3 is Joffrey fuckin’ up Ros with the crossbow in Season 3. The craziest part about Ramsey to me is that we didn’t even see what happened in either of those things, but we know him and possibly worst, we just hear it. Man…..he gotta get fed to those dogs.

-Next, let’s do….ummmmmmm…….let’s do Meereen, where Tyrion is holding court with Varys, Missandei and Grey Worm, who is apparently all sorted out after last season, standing with Barrister Selmy when the Sons of the Harpy attacked. They tell Tyrion that Rhaegal and Viserion haven’t eating since Dany left, so Tyrion is like, well, let’s take them off their chains and get them some food. He asks Missandei if she spent a lot of time with the dragons, who are intelligent and remember who their friends are. So Tyrion and Varys go down where they’re being kept (I thought they’d send Missandei), and Tyrion walks down towards the dragons, who start to move around. Tyrion quietly talks to the dragons, telling them a story of how he wanted one when he was little, and how he cried when his father told him the last dragon had been killed. Then he walks up and unchains both dragons, who are a little edgy and roar a couple times, but overall, they seem to be pretty cool about everything. Tyrion tells Varys as they’re walking away, if he ever has a plan like this again, punch him in the face. Peter Dinklage is the best, man. For all of the great actors and actresses on GOT, he is at the top, he and Lena Headey as Cersei. So, this is lending credence to the theory that Tyrion is a dragonrider, and you can find this theory on the internet somewhere, but basically, Tyrion is half-Targaryen. I could see it. I’m not sure if they’ve ever even seen him before, but they listened to him, so something has to be up with that.

-On to King’s Landing, where this dude is telling a story about showing his junk to Cersei during her walk of shame. He goes out to take a leak, and turns around, and looks up at the person behind him…WAY up, and “person” is debatable. It’s FrankenMountain, who smashes his head up against a wall and that shit bursts like a grapefruit. Cersei and FrankenMountain go to head to Myrcella’s funeral, but they’re stopped by guards who say King Tommen wants her to stay in the Red Keep, which is some cold shit. But it was pretty damn hilarious how the guards all flinched when FrankenMountain reached for his sword. He would have fucked ALL of them up if Cersei wanted it, but she decides to give it up. At the sept, Tommen tells Jaime what we all knew: that he isn’t really about that life and he got scared when the High Sparrow came through with his people. No matter how much you hate him, at least we know that Joffrey wouldn’t have stood for that shit at all. Jaime tells Tommen to go see Cersei when the High Sparrow enters, telling Tommen that he still can’t see Margaery until she confesses. Jaime wants to pull the sword out on the High Sparrow, but then all the Sparrows appear behind Jaime and the High Sparrow explains that they’re nothing on their own, but together, they can overthrow an empire. Lowkey, the Sparrow is a fuckin’ G. He needs to die, but you gotta respect his gangsta. We also got a rundown of all the foul shit Jaime has done, like killing his king, for example. You forget how much shit he has done over the last six-plus seasons. Then we switch to Tommen and Cersei and he apologizes for keeping her holed up. He says he should be strong and he wants to be strong, and hugs Cersei. You can see her wheels are turning because now she has FrankenMountain AND the Kingsguard to take on the Sparrows. Let’s fuckin’ GO. That’s the shit I’m waiting for.

-We end at the Wall, where Alliser tells Davos and ’em that they’ve reached their surrender deadline, and they start knocking the door down. But the wildlings emerge with Edd, led by the giant, who looks at a mufucka that shoots him with an arrow. He takes that dude, smacks him up against a wall and throws him on the ground and the Night’s Watch is all FUCK THIS, and they lay down their weapons. They take Alliser and Olly (fuck that little treacherous bastard, I forgot to say that last week) to the cells. Then Tormund, the red-headed wildling, sees that Jon is dead and starts to get wood for body-burning, while Davos goes to Melisandre, who is down in the dumps, but looking like her regular self. As I said, Davos gives Melisandre that pep talk and is like, I know you can bring a mufucka back, can you at least try? Melisandre isn’t feelin’ it as everything she said about Stannis didn’t come true (he’s coming back, mark my words). But she tries, and chants some ol’ bullshit to Jon’s body, but he doesn’t revive and everyone leaves…..slooooooooooowly. I just kept watching the screen because you knew what was coming after everyone left, and as soon as Ghost started to stir, you knew it was coming. Y’all happy now? Ya man is back. He took that big-ass breath and shit. I’ll give them one thing, they didn’t waste any time. I said he’d be back, maybe, at the end of the season, definitely next season. Two episodes and he was back. Now, all we need to do is find Dany and we have the dragonriders outchea.

Everything about this episode was damn near perfect, the way it was shot, the writing (not written by David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, but Dave Hill, who wrote “Sons of the Harpy” from last season) and directing (directed by Jeremy Podeswa, who directed last week, along with “Kill The Boy” and “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken“, aka the Sansa rape, from last season), everything. Things are starting to pick up as we get closer to the finish line, and I’m ready for that. Next week, I assume we’ll see some Dany stuff, we still haven’t seen Littlefinger in a while and I’m anxious to see if Sansa goes to him (or if Ramsey pays him a visit, wherever he is) and mufuckas gotta start heading to Dorne. Oh, and Jon Snow, I guess. I’d laugh really hard if we ain’t see him for like, two episodes. Y’all would be so mad.

It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if this episode was nominated for an Emmy for something….and this is Episode 2. Buckle the fuck up.