The Walking Dead S05E05 – Self Help

The Walking Dead continues on with their single-group episodes as “Self Help” follows Abraham, Glenn, Maggie, Eugene, Tara and Rosita (whose name I have been tanking for the majority of the series, so I’ma just call her Rosa) after they leave Rick and ’em at the church. Let’s go…

-The group is driving down the road, and Rosa is playing with Abraham’s hair, saying she’ll cut it soon. Hell, I don’t even know if we have heard her speak before, and we definitely haven’t seen this sort of interaction between the two. Tara says she’ll cut Eugene’s mullet, and I don’t think there is anything sexual going on here, it’s kinda awkward.

-Glenn and Maggie ask Eugene how everything is gonna go when they get to DC and he starts talking a lot of scientific stuff, which he tends to do; he doesn’t know how to explain things in normal terms, or he is hiding something. I think I wrote a while ago that I thought he was full of shit. I know if I’m Glenn, I’m demanding answers. I left my group for your bitch ass.

-Just after they drive by some walkers, the group’s bus blows a tire or something, swerves into a car and flips on its side. The walkers roll up, and on to the credits, which I don’t think get enough to credit for being creepy as hell. I think about my favorite shows: Game Of Thrones, Archer, Sons Of Anarchy, just to name a few, and I get excited when I get to the opening. Shit, Dexter’s opening was the best part of their final four seasons, but that is a story for another day.

-We flashback to Abe (it’s easier to type and I’m lazy) pummelling some dude with a can, then he steps on his neck. He calls out to Ellen, whom you would have to assume is his wife.

-But we go right back to the present, where the group has to get out of the bus that is surrounded by walkers. They come up with a plan and proceed to execute it, and the main goal is to protect Eugene, who is persuaded by Tara to leave and she even gives him a knife, but he is shook as shit. However, he does manage to stab a walker behind Tara, although she finishes the job. God, I hate Eugene so much.

-The engine was screwed, so the group loses their supplies and now they’re in trouble. Eugene wants to go back to the church, but Abe loses it and starts going on about retreating means to lose, so this dude has to be a former soldier for real. I dont trust anyone in The Walking Dead, but this seems pretty legit. Glenn is like, “uhhhh, you alright?” to Abe, who says he is good. Tara suggests that they find bikes, which my homie Bieber suggested a few weeks ago, because bikes don’t burn and furthermore, they don’t require gas. The group leaves and Eugene spits on a walker, and I PRAY that the walker gets up and bites the royal fuck outta this smug bastard. God.

-In another flashback, Abe is yelling for, and finding, Ellen, who has to be his wife; the redhead son is a dead giveaway. They’re looking at him like he is crazy as he is covered on blood, as one tends to be after you beat a buncha dudes with a can; oh yeah, there were multiple dudes in the original flashback. One thing is for sure: Abe’s hand game is no joke at all.

-In the present, the group finds a book store, which they secure and make camp. They make a fire and set up shop, and Glenn and Abe have a moment to themselves. Abe thanks Glenn for coming, and that everyone can survive on their own now, which is bullshit because Eugene is a punk. He also says that he would to say that killing isn’t easy, but now it is the easiest thing in the world. Glenn says he’ll take watch and Abe should get some sleep, to which Abe agrees, but he needs some ass first. Maggie is with Glenn, and Tara is a lesbian, so that leaves….

-Cut to Abe and Rosa gettin’ it, and she says to him that he is watching again, meaning Eugene, so this has obviously happened before. Abe gives no fucks whatsoever, and keeps going. Tara rolls up on Eugene like, what the hell are you doing? Eugene ends up admitting that he sabotaged the bus and that it was never supposed to start in the first place. His reason: he can’t survive on his own and if he couldn’t save the world, he has no value. Tara says they’re all friends, and they would keep him alive, but she’ll keep his secret. She also hits him with her patented fist bump. I fucks with Tara. She’s good people.

-As for Eugene, his reason for sabotaging the bus makes no sense at all and I think I dislike him more than Andrea or Lori combined. I need him to join them.

-Glenn and Maggie are talking, and Maggie says she feels guilty about leaving the group. Ummmm……WHAT ABOUT YOUR SISTER, YO? Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Lauren Cohan, I just listened to her on the Nerdist podcast and she has a British accent, which is awesome. Maggie is generally a good character too, real ride-or-die, but the lack of fucks she gives about Beth is mind-boggling. Still hasn’t mentioned her name.

-Rosa suggests to Abe that they should chill for another day, but he insists on moving forward so they can get Eugene to DC, where he can save lives. Then Maggie suggests the same, and Rosa says the opposite for some reason. A fire truck appears out of nowhere, so now they have a vehicle. Abe says that it is about time something good happens for them, but just before the truck starts, you see it move forward and open a door, so this is the TWD formula for “something bad is about to happen”. The truck stops again and a gang of walkers emerge, and the group fights them off. Eugene gets on top of the truck and sprays the walkers to death, which is some shit and the smug look on his face makes me hate him even more.

-Abe starts laughing as he gets on top of the truck and sees a message on the ground, “Sick inside let them die”, then yells at Glenn when he suggests they raid a Goodwill up the street. Abe won’t fucking listen to anyone; he is so focused on getting Eugene to DC that he has tunnel-vision. Even Rick at the height of the Ricktatorship listened to others.

-In another flashback, Abe wakes up to find his family gone, and they left a note saying “Don’t try to find us”. DAMN. How bad of a person is he? Of course, he goes to find them.

-The group gets in the truck, which didn’t get very far before breaking down again. Maggie tries to talk to Eugene about the mullet, but they’re distracted by a smell, which Glenn goes to investigate. Down the road, it is walker city, like, hundreds of them it looks like. Glenn says they have to go back, but stubborn ass Abe isn’t buying it and says they can get through. A struggle ensues between Abe, Glenn and Rosa, but in the commotion, Eugene decides to yell that, SURPRISE…..he isn’t a scientist! I throw my hands up and do a touchdown dance, I knew Eugene’s fuck ass wasn’t shit. Everyone freezes like that “Red Light Green Light” game we used to play as kids.

-Eugene tells him that he is smarter than them and a good liar, and I’m wondering why he isn’t dead yet. People died to get him this far, and he is being so damn smug. So Abe, thank Jesus, punches Eugene into next week and falls face first on the pavement, knocking himself out. GOOD.

-In the final flashback, Abe discovers the bodies of his family, who barely got around a corner before dying and he is about to comit suicide by putting his gun in his mouth and pulling the trigger. But he hears someone calling for help and it is Eugene, who has the most bitchass run you ever did see and Abe kills the walkers that are chasing him. Abe starts to walk away, but Eugene begs him to stay and says he has a very important mission to end the episode.

“Self Help” was an improvement over “Slabtown” from last week, but not by a whole lot. It seems like Abe is treating this like a video game and needs to complete missions after his family died. He is a terrible leader whose inability to listen to people might get them killed. And if they save Eugene, they all deserve to die.

But next week, we get the Incredible Adventures Of Carol and Daryl, and I am here for that like shit. The Walking Dead goes in waves; it always has. The last couple weeks have seen a decline, but with three episodes left until the stupid midseason break (AMC, stop that shit), business is about to pick up.

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