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The Walking Dead S06E12 – Not Tomorrow Yet

The Walking Dead is coming down the homestretch now with “Not Tomorrow Yet”, as the battle with Negan and the Saviors is looming. This was a nice little start, but the ending definitely raised the stakes. Let’s go…..

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-We open with Carol, doing her little homemaker thing, going through how much food they don’t have anymore in Alexandria. Remember that run Daryl and Rick were supposed to make, to find crops and shit, and instead started fuckin’ around with Jesus and not driving back to the spot like they were supposed to? Yeah. But she takes some time out to kill a walker while out looking for stuff, and it’s gon’ take a lot of Tide pens to get that blood out. Anyway, she makes acorn cookies, and I’d eat ’em, because her casseroles were godly and her cookies shut Sam up….also made him go a little crazy, but these things happens. She gives the cookies to everyone, including Tobin, and they do some weird old-people flirting. This is going to be gross.

-Rick and ’em return and Rick tells everyone to meet at the church in an hour. He tells Carol that they’re gon’ have to fight, and Carol looks like she feels some kinda way about it. Killa Carol…..now is NOT the time to get soft on me. That’s how mufuckas die, and you’re the only person on this godforsaken show that I don’t want to die. Then Morgan comes around the corner and asks Carol why he didn’t tell Rick about the Wolf that he tried to rehabilitate, and Carol is like, we ain’t got time for that shit right now. Morgan always wants to talk about shit. Then she drops a cookie off at Sam’s headstone and we’re off.

-Rick tells the group of a plan to kill the Saviors before they attack Alexandria, and OH LOOK, THERE GOES MORGAN WANTING TO TALK TO THEM. I’m getting real sick of this guy….but it sucks because he can fight and you need fighters. I know he wasn’t around for Terminus or the Governor, but this is getting ridiculous. No one has his back, though, and Rick is like, aight, everybody gotta die. But for a second, Jesus looks at Morgan, and I bet he’ll talk to Morgan at some point. I don’t trust that dude for a second.

-Carol wakes up in the middle of the night and adds “Ws7” to a list, which means she killed seven of the Wolves, and she tallies up that she has killed 18 people so far. KILLA CAROL PUTTIN’ IN WORK.

-Sigh. She’s gon’ die.

-Maggie tells Glenn that she is going on this mission because she is the one who brokered the deal, but she will stay on the perimeter. This seems like a REALLY bad idea. I admire her courage, but Maggie has bigger things to worry about. Going out on potential killing missions while pregnant has to be against some kind of rule, although I guess all rules are out in the zombie apocalypse.

-Carol finds Tobin on his porch, and Tobin marvels at her ability  to do, as he says, things that terrify him. He boils it down to her maternal instinct and being protective, but he also says that she is more to him to that, and they kiss. Yup. She’s dying. I’m just preparing for that now. Fuck.

-Abe is packing up his shit and Rosita is like, NAH BRUH. And then he hits her with, “I thought you were the last woman on Earth, but you’re not”. What a dickhole. I don’t know, some people like him, but I’ve never liked Abe. Honestly, he could die in this episode and I’d be like, cool. But again, you need fighters. But for a laugh, Eugene got the door shut on him and I got this text from my homegirl Holly: “And for comic relief, we got Eugene seeing his parents split up”. That nails that.

-Elsewhere, Tara and Denise have a moment and Tara tells her that she loves her, which seems like it’s moving kinda fast, but hey, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Denise says she’ll say it when Tara comes back; she is also going on a two-week run after they do this mission. Meanwhile, Rick gives the blueprint for how they’re going to attack the Saviors, and that they’re going to give them Gregory’s head. This sounds like a bloody plan. I like it.

-That Brothers Grimsby movie looks terrible. I might be the only person in the world that doesn’t find that Borat dude funny.

-The group gets to a spot and they beep horns to attract walkers, and they decide they’ll meet later. Father Bitchass tells Rick that he won’t back down and Rick is like, why you still wearin’ that church stuff. and FB replies that he still thinks he is who he was, or some bullshit. Also, it’ll be harder for them to see him in the dark. Now THAT shit was funny. Then Rosita runs up on Carol and tells her that she almost told Rick and ’em about Morgan in the church, and Carol tells her to keep her mouth shut, which she agrees to do, but Rosita’s so mad. For good reason, but she’s maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. Better not run up on Carol like you’re about to do something.

-Glenn and Heath kills two walkers and they tell each other that they haven’t killed people yet, only walkers. I’ll take their word for it because I’m not looking through six seasons of stuff, but that surprises me about Glenn. He has never shot anyone? Not even at Terminus or with the Governor? Huh. Interesting.

-Glenn had sawed off that walker’s head, which added to the numbers of heads. Rick’s plan is to use one of those heads to fool the Saviors, who would think it was Gregory, and then roll in through the front. Jesus says that the nose on the head Rick picked is different from Gregory, so Rick punches the head in the face a buncha times. Andy, who was part of the Hilltops, says “the Saviors: they’re scary but those pricks got nothing on you.”. Yeah, dogg, Rick ain’t here for fuckin’ around. He makes terrible decisions and he’s probably going to get people killed, but he doesn’t go back on what he decides.

-YOOOOOOOOOOOO That Fear The Walking Dead: Flight 462 joint. He FINALLY turned. Ate the fuck outta his wife, too haha.

The Purge: Election Year. That is a real thing. I thought it was fake until just now.

-Andy rolls up to the Saviors’ compound with the head in a bag, and the guards say that it’s cool, but Daryl slides up and kills one of them while the other goes to get someone. The group heads into the compound and starts puttin’ in work, and Rick gets kill of the week for slowly, and grossly, putting his knife in the head of a sleeping dude. That shit was great. Glenn and Heath do the same thing, although Glenn takes one for Heath, who ain’t about that life. Man, I coulda SWORN Glenn killed a mufucka or three before. But he doesn’t feel so bad now, because the Saviors kept trophy pictures of people they killed, with their heads crushed. And these are the mufuckas Morgan want to talk to? Fuck outta here.

-Tara and Father B (I’m just getting lazy now, and I barely remember dude’s name at this point) are with Jesus, Andy and some Craig guy, that the guard apparently went to get (and I assume he is dead now) in a car. Tara tells Father B that she feels some kinda way about this mission, and that is why she told Denise that she loved her, and Father B is like, well, you have a reason to fight now. If only Jesus and Andy knew that they could get outta this with no problems. Get past Tara and they’re good.

-Abe and Sasha find a Savior and after a fight, the Savior pulls the alarm, so there goes that plan. Maggie wants to go in and fight, and Carol is like, are you fuckin’ crazy? Shoulda left her ass at home. The fight is on now; Aaron has to stab a guy after running in his room, Tara pops two people, Glenn and Heath find an armory and lay waste to a buncha people on the other side of the door, and Jesus finishes one of them off. Even Father B kills someone, and hits ’em with an “Amen”. Alright, buddy. That’s a good start to removing the B from your name.

-In the morning, the group does a sweep. Glenn asks Heath and Tara to postpone their run, but they decide to go anyway. We see Morgan back at Alexandria, welding what I think is a door for a cell. Michonne asks Rick about which one he thought Negan was and just then, a Savior comes outta nowhere on Daryl’s bike. Rosita shoots him, Daryl punches him a couple times and all is good….until a female voice comes over the radio that is on the Savior. The voice tells Rick to lower his gun, which is pointed at the Savior, and she says that they have Carol and Maggie, and they should talk about some stuff.

-I didn’t see the post-credit scene if there was one, so yeah, I’ll look for that later.

So, we’ll find out who this woman was next week, and I assume she’ll get us closer to Negan. I know Negan is a dude until the casting news that came out last year was a lie. But now that they have Carol and Maggie, all bets are off. My bet is that Carol doesn’t make it back to Alexandria, and it’ll be Rick’s fault somehow (probably being a hothead). But hey, gotta take risks and they would have come for Alexandria anyway. These last four episodes of The Walking Dead are about to be fire, I can feel it.

 

The X-Files Miniseries – Babylon

The X-Files reboot has been generally pretty on point. The first episodes were definitely fire, the third was strange, but a throwback to the first run of the show, and the fourth was, for my money, the best of the bunch. So they would keep rolling with “Babylon”, right? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAP. This recap won’t be long, because I don’t have much to say, not much good, anyway.

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-I’ll start with the pairing of Mulder and Scully….er, Miller and Einstein. First off, why Einstein? Of all the names you could have given Bootleg Scully, why Einstein? She was far too snarky for follow in Scully’s shoes, and while Scully was skeptical of Mulder when they started, she was never that bad. Einstein is just annoying. And Miller had all the personality of a rag dipped in chloroform. Listen, just let Mulder and Scully cook. The show went downhill when Reyes and Doggett were added. The X-Files is Mulder and Scully, with Skinner and the rest as supporting cast. Don’t mess with this. Because I’m not watching if the next miniseries is Miller and Einstein.

-I knew this was not going to be pretty when it started with the whole Muslim terror cell thing. I’m pretty skeptical on this being used as a device anyway, because it’s hard to do it right, without coming off as insanely racist. Actually, that’s impossible, but it’s important to a show like Homeland, where it has always been a part of the plot. This just seemed contrived and not handled well at all. Really, the best part of it was the makeup on homeboy in the hospital. They made his head concave and shit. I don’t know, man. None of it sat well with me. And thanks for telegraphing that the nurse was shady and up to no good when the FBI agents left, and she turned off the life-support machine. Wasn’t hard to see that coming.

-Oh, and then the Mulder-on-mushrooms sequence. On paper, I bet this was a really good idea. Then they filmed it and was like, well, we gotta turn this in. That was ridiculous. More ridiculous than anything I’ve ever seen in a show about aliens. It went about five minutes too long and it didn’t expose anything to me, even when the bomber “spoke” to Mulder. We didn’t need to see him line-dancing to “Achy Breaky Heart”. There wasn’t even any point in having the Lone Gunmen come back, although it was nice to see them. But the four-finger rings, the line-dancing, getting whipped by Smoking Man, the length of the sequence…..and then the fact that was a damn placebo? Jesus. I get the idea. The execution was terrible.

-Then there was the end of the episode, where Mulder was at the house of, I think, Sveta, who “died” when her car was blown up. Scully got out there and they had a conversation about….well, remember when I said they should have conversations like this every episode? Not so much. Chris Carter can reach a certain level of pretentiousness, and then depend on David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson to make it sound normal. And they tried, God bless their hearts. Even listening to it a second time, I didn’t care. Maybe I was just tired after the rest of the episode.

This was bad. Like, really bad. And that’s fine. One bad episode out of five is a pretty solid ratio with all the bullshit that is on television right now. But I rolled my eyes no less than 37 times during “Babylon”, and it was all just ridiculous. I think I’m bothered by it because they have just six episodes to do this; in a ten-episode run, this wouldn’t be as bad, but they wasted a crucial hour with this, although I know a couple people that thought last week was a filler episode. Oh well….on to the finale, which seems to be a continuation/conclusion to the first two episodes. I hope it’s good, because “Babylon” might have been the worst thing to hit TV since the Glenn fiasco on The Walking Dead.

The Walking Dead S06E09 – No Way Out

If nothing else in its history, The Walking Dead has shown that they can do two things: they’re great at finales, whether it be midseason or end-of-season, and they’re great at premieres. They’re especially good when venturing into the ridiculous, and in six and a half seasons, this might have been the most ridiculous of the bunch….and it was fan-fucking-tastic. Let’s go….

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-It really all kicked off with the first scene, when Daryl, Sasha and Abe get stopped by that group. So, listen, I know y’all love Daryl, but are we gon’ act like he just yoked that dude up without making any noise, and then pulls out a fuckin’ rocket launcher, again, without making any noise? And that’s when I knew it was about to be some greatness on deck. At no point did I think anyone in that trio was in danger.

-Rick, Jessie, their kids, Michonne and Father Bitchass were walking through the herd covered in walker guts, when Rick decided that instead of going to the armory, they were going to get their vehicles at the quarry to lead the herd away. A few things here: Father Bitchass says he’ll take Judith to safety, and I guess he really didn’t have a choice, but Rick was like, cool, take my kid. But furthermore, and this pops up later: we’re just having a conversation in the midst of a herd? Zombies got ears, bruh. They can hear you. Sam won’t leave his moms, though. Even though that’s the best-case scenario for everyone, but more on that later.

-Tara wants to run out all willy-nilly and save Denise from the Wolf, but Rosita is like, man, if you don’t sit your ass down somewhere before we get ate up. This might have been the most sense that anyone made in this episode, they had one gun and two bullets or something. Meanwhile, a concussed Killa Carol grabs said gun to check the house for Wolf Man and Denise, but someone needs to sit her ass down. Send her to the dark room or something. Wolf Man and Denise are long gone, but they’re not too far away, they’re hiding from some walkers and he’s looking at her like a creep, like, even more creepy than he was when being held captive by Morgan. Again, we’ll get to that later.

-Then we’re back to Glenn and Enid, who manage to find a church to look for supplies, and Glenn goes on about her dead parents still being with her. This Glenn/Enid tag team needs to get the fuck on somewhere. Feed her to the walkers, bruh. But true to form, they do find a gun, which ends up coming in handy.

-Now to the best part: Rick and ’em are still walking through the herd, and Sam sees a little boy who has been turned. Then he starts to hear Killa Carol in his head, when she threatened him about tying him to a tree and no one will hear him scream. She had him so shook, and everyone was tryna get him to get moving, and then BAM……a walker takes a bite out of his head like a Chips Ahoy cookie. Seriously, I might be terrible, but I had to rewind it back to see Jessie get eaten because I was laughing so damn hard. I knew he was going to get someone killed, but he got his moms killed, and he got his bitchass brother killed because he got mad and went to shoot Rick, but Michonne hit him with the katana and let the walkers have him. But when he went to shoot Rick, he actually shot Carl in the damn eye. Rick went kinda catatonic, but he was at last smart enough to cut off Jessie’s arm because she wouldn’t let go of Carl’s hand as she was getting eaten anyway. Oh man. This was the best. That family wasn’t built for this. And yo, I was actually worried for Carl (or Coral, depending on how Andrew Lincoln says it). I’ve grown to like him, he has had to grow up a lot during this show. If Ron wasn’t a dickbag, Carl could have taught him some shit. But nah, he had to be a Big Mac meal for the walkers.

-The Wolf Man is tryna lead Denise through a gap in the herd, but he gets bitten on the arm, so she tries to take him to the infirmary because these people are hellbent on saving him for some reason. Not Killa Carol, though. She tells Morgan that she should have killed him, which would have led to her killing Wolf Man. Morgan tells her that she couldn’t have killed him, and I don’t care that he powerbombed her in the last episode, my long-run money is still on her. Killa Carol is crafty, and she’ll wait until you’re sleeping. Skip forward to Wolf Man and Denise heading to the infirmary, but Killa Carol snipes him from the balcony of the townhouse. See? She’ll win somehow, dammit. But Denise runs to the infirmary anyway, where Heath (Dr. Dre from Straight Outta Compton), Spencer and Aaron are chillin’.

-There, Rick arrives with Carl and Michonne, and Denise tries to go to work on saving Carl. Rick loses his damn mind and runs outside, in the midst of 7,000 walkers with a hatchet, not even a fuckin’ axe, a hatchet. I get you are mad about your son, and everything that just happened with Jessie and ’em, but come on, bruh, you’re ready to risk it all? Luckily, Michonne has his back, and she runs out to help, along with Heath and Spencer, and then Carol and ’em see him making his stand. And then everyone else comes out of the bushes, like Father Bitchass and Eugene even puttin’ in work. Morgan even kills the Wolf Man, who has since turned, and I didn’t think he actually killed him, but Wiki says he did, and Wiki is never wrong…..right? RIGHT? RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT.

-Meanwhile, Glenn and Enid get to Maggie, who is still on top of the tower, and I don’t know what his plan is, other than to draw the walkers to him. But I think he got to a point where he was super surrounded and was like, shit, I didn’t think this through at all. But of course, because he’s fuckin’ Glenn, Abe and Sasha show up out of nowhere and start mowing the walkers around him down. And now as I’m watching it again…..how do NO BULLETS hit Glenn? He’s literally surrounded by them. Holy fuck, WHY WON’T GLENN DIE?

-And then, the scene to end it all: instead of leading the walkers away with the fuel truck like Glenn suggests, Daryl has another plan: he takes fuel from the truck and puts it into a lake, which I’ve never seen before, and shoots the rocket launcher at the lake to create a giant lake of fire, and then the walkers leave the fight and wander into the lake. Goddamn. The Walking Dead does ridiculous right, and if you’re gon’ go all out, go all out. Anyway, the episode ends with everyone sitting around in a pile of walker corpses, while Rick is with Carl, talking about how he underestimated the Alexandrians, but they’re gon’ rebuild the community and Carl squeezes his hand.

I stand by my statement that The Walking Dead isn’t good. The writing can be atrocious (go back to every scene between Denise and the Wolf Man), and the acting leaves a lot to be desired. But holy shit, when it comes to being entertaining, when it’s on its game, there aren’t many shows that are as entertaining as this one and for the most part, that’s all you can ask fo. But now, people are gon’ be mad because the next three episodes will be dealing with the fallout, which means no zombie killin’ parties. And I assume the next big baddie will be Negan, who won’t be impressed that Daryl and ’em killed his crew. Welcome back, The Walking Dead. You’ve been missed.

 

The X-Files Miniseries Ep.4 – Home Again

The X-Files hit us with another stand-alone episode, “Home Again”, but as was said last week, the best stand-alone episodes usually have something to do with the overall character development of the show. Last week was Mulder’s turn as he needed something to keep him going, and this week it was Scully as she dealt with a major personal tragedy, and once again confronted her feelings about William, her child with Mulder.

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-Some thought we would see a sequel to “Home” when the episode list was released, and “Home” might be the most famous of the stand-alone episodes. I mean, it was co-written by Glen Morgan (written with James Wong, who wrote “Founder’s Mutation”), who also wrote this episode, and yes, he’s related to Darin Morgan, last week’s writer. It wasn’t a direct sequel to”Home”, but there was one connection and that was the theme of motherhood. That episode had a somewhat twisted (to say the least) idea of motherhood, but it was probably the first episode in which it crossed Scully’s mind. The death of her mother brings back all sorts of feelings about William, and her mother actually tells Scully (while holding Mulder’s hand) that her child’s name was William, too. The child in question is Charlie, whose voice actually got Margaret out of her coma briefly before passing, and that leaves Scully needing a bunch of questions answered. But I mean, it’s The X-Files: they’re not really in the business of answering questions.

-It was impressive how Scully just needed to get back to work, even though Mulder was dead against it, but that is how Scully has always dealt with this stuff. And Mulder does the same shit that Scully did for him last week: just sit back and be there for the other one. Mulder could have easily went on one of his rants at some point, but he decided it was best for Scully if he just held her and let her use his shirt as a snot rag.

-For the second episode in a row, Scully takes someone down with the quickness. Yo, did she take taekwondo or some shit over the last 14 years? Scully was never fuckin’ people up like this. It was comical how fast she did it.

-I suppose we should get into the monster, which was called the Trashman. This Trashman was literally pulling people apart at the seams, and he was going after a group that was dedicated to kicking the homeless off the street so condos could be built. He came in the form of a painting, which was done by an artist who figured he was a fighter for the homeless, and he probably was. And again, the case wasn’t really solved, although Mulder and Scully did find the artist in question. The best part of this storyline, for me, was Mulder and Scully tracking the artist down, and they had their little flashlights on, walking around in the dark. It’s like everyone involved with The X-Files never stopped, or haven’t lost, the feel of the show. All of these episodes so far wouldn’t be out of place in the first run.

-However, there was one meeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh part, when Scully was sitting there with her mother’s urn, and she was talking to Mulder about William. She drew from the conversation they had with the artist, where she called him out for being responsible for the Trashman murders, and she tells Mulder that she didn’t want William to think they threw him away like trash. Yeah, we didn’t need that line to make the connection. But hey, it can’t be perfect. Maybe non-X-Files fans needed it? I don’t know. It just felt contrived. But I mean, that is a really small beef to have.

-Also, did her brother ever make it from Germany? Man, I forgot so much about this show. Everything, basically.

-This was Gillian Anderson’s party, and it was always good to see human Scully because we were so used to the one that was brought here to debunk Mulder. Basically, Scully was a robot for the first part of The X-Files, and even though she softened as the years went on, she was always a bit reserved. This was full-on Scully, bringing out emotions that can only be brought on by the death of your mother, which is something I know all too well. I don’t think people really get how good Gillian Anderson is at what she does. And David Duchovny does his best to just get out of the way.

-All this does is set up the final two episodes, “Babylon” and “My Struggle II”, which are both written by creator Chris Carter. I would think they’ll be a conclusion to the first two episodes, but don’t quote me on that. I do know that I’ll be pissed if we don’t see William over the next couple weeks.

All I know is dammit, we need more episodes. Six is not nearly enough, but the ratings have been incredible, so it wouldn’t surprise me if this would be done again next year. They could just stop bullshitting and bring it all the way back because what the hell else on TV is fuckin’ with this, but I don’t get to make the decisions. But I do know this: as soon as this revival is done, I’m watching them all again. I’ve gotten weird looks for saying The X-Files is in my top five; this revival solidifies it.

The X-Files Miniseries Ep.3 – Mulder And Scully Meet The Were-Monster

While the alien-mythology arc is the backbone of The X-Files, some of the best episodes of the series were the stand-alones, basically, a monster-of-the-week episode in which Mulder and Scully would investigate some sort of case. Whether or not they would solve the case or not? Meh. That was more up in the air, and really, to me, that wasn’t the point of the episodes. I think they were to push forward the idea of otherworldly things being out there, which made you think, hey, maybe this alien thing that Mulder is on about isn’t so far-fetched.

That seemed to be the point of the third episode of The X-Files revival, “Mulder and Scully Meet The Were-Monster”, which was directed and written by Darin Morgan. Morgan did the teleplay for “Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose”, which won a writing Emmy in 1996; the fourth episode of Season 3. He also wrote “Humbug” from Season 2, which I actually did watch a couple of months ago randomly with the girlfriend and it was one of the more humorous episodes of The X-Files, and this episode was essentially the same thing. It was weird, and dark, but overall, funny, and that’s something that you don’t think of when you think of this show.

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-Shoutout to the paint-huffers who witnessed the first attack, and apparently, they’re from previous episodes. There were a ton of little easter eggs in this episode, and that’s cool, I just have a terrible memory for most things. But when you read about them, you’ll be like, oh riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Vulture has a good piece putting them all together here. Anyway, they first see the monster, which looks more like a lizard, but I guess if the lizard is human size, it’s a monster? But of course, they’re paint huffers, so it’s hard to take them seriously.

-Scully walks in on Mulder, throwing pencils at that same damn “I Want To Believe” poster from the old days, and Mulder is disillusioned, to say the least. He says that the unexplained is explainable now, and whether or not he wants to do it anymore, and Scully asks him if he’s off the meds, which is far. But he has shaved, so he doesn’t look like a slob anymore. He doesn’t wanna look for monsters, but Scully is like, yo, we gotta look for these monsters, bruh. Dogg, you JUST got back to work and you’re mad already? Jeez.

-We also get an appearance from Kumail Nanjiani, who is a comedian and on Silicon Valley (which I don’t watch, but I’ve heard it’s very good). But I know him from The X-Files Files, his podcast on, well, The X-Files. He’s a huge nerd of the show and has had many people involved with The X-Files on there, which I assume is how he got this gig. Anyway, he’s a scaredy-cat animal-control worker, but he saw the monster, or something similar to the monster and was like NOOOOOOOOAAAAAAPPPP and peaced out. That left Mulder to run around a field taking pictures with his phone, which he has no idea how to use. Mulder also runs into the lizard, which manages to spray blood in his mouth, which is just about as gross as it sounds. Mulder did get a nice picture of it tho.

-Mulder gets woken up by a disturbance in his motel and hears someone yelling “monster”, but the manager is like, nah, we good….although I’m drinking what looks like rubbing alcohol, which seems kinda poisonous, doesn’t it? Anyway, he tells Mulder to go to bed, which he obviously doesn’t do, because Mulder, but he finds a peeping-tom room in which the manager would poke the eyes out of animal heads hanging in each room, then look through the eyes. As he is recanting his story to Mulder, who tells him he is a cop and can fuck his life up, we see that he watched a man transform into the lizard, which startled him, he made a noise, the lizard catches him, but doesn’t kill him. We also see him looking at Mulder in a speedo; another easter egg. Mulder now believes it and in a 180 from his earlier rant to Scully about everything being explained, he wakes her up to give her another spiel about stuff that is explainable, we just don’t know how yet, and he even says everything she is going to say to him. When she finally gets to say anything, it is, “that’s how I like my Mulder”. They still got it, man. They’re made for these roles.

-Scully finds out this man works at a nearby cell-phone store, but freaked out when she wanted to ask some questions, and trashes the place. Mulder tracks the man down at a graveyard, where the man tells Mulder that……he’s not a man, he is ACTUALLY a lizard. So he tells him the story of how he got to be a man who transformed from a lizard, and I won’t regale you with the details because honestly, it was fuckin’ long. That was probably my biggest problem with the episode; how long this scene was. I also didn’t recognize that it was Rhys Darby, who was in Flight Of The Concords, another show I’ve never seen, but I heard it’s very good. But while the scene was long, the gist of it was that Darby, whose name was Guy Mann, knew all of the human instincts that we have, but he found them to be ridiculous. He figured out that he needed a job to pay for a mortgage, but he really didn’t know why. It’s just what we do. And he said that life was hopeless; “A few fleeting moments of happiness surrounded by crushing loss and grief”. I mean, it’s a terrible way to look at things, but is he really all the way wrong? The only happiness he found was in his companion, Dagoo, a dog, and if you ask anyone with a dog, they’ll tell you that dogs are pretty much better than humans. Again…..not all the way wrong.

-Mulder did catch him when, in his story, it had him being seduced by Scully in the backroom of his store, and Mulder was like, NAH HOMIE. There was some jealousy there. But Gillian Anderson looked like she had a ball with that scene. She’s so wonderful.

-Anyway, he wants Mulder to kill him so he would stop going back and forth between a lizard and a human, but Mulder won’t do it. The moon was the culprit, as his transformations were based on its cycles. I’ve never been into the science behind The X-Files, so I’m probably getting some details wrong, but you can figure it out if you saw it. I’m more interested in Mulder being so empathetic to a man, er, a lizard, that was turned into a man because he was bit by a human.

-What human, you ask? The animal-control guy, who Scully went to visit and he attacked her with his little net, but in the next scene, Mulder shows up with the cops and Scully has already taken him down. So, the prior scene was Mulder, who had drank himself to sleep, wakes up to Scully’s phone call, and we learn that his ringtone is The X-Files theme song….which may or may not have been one of my first ringtones when phones started to advance. Then he showed up at the spot, within minutes, I would assume, appearing not to be drunk, and not looking disheveled. I don’t know, a show about aliens and all the shit we see in this episode about a lizard man….and that is my biggest bone to pick. I’m weird.

-Also, I don’t think we even learned why the animal-rescue guy was biting people, or how his bite turned Guy into a human. Maybe they did. By the time they got to this scene, I had no idea what was going on. I think dude even tried to explain, and Mulder and Scully were like, save it for the judge, bruh.

-Final scene is the lizard man returning to the woods for a 10,000-year hibernation, but Mulder, of course, tracks him down and the two say their goodbyes. But if anything, the lizard man made Mulder believe that, yes, there is some shit out there that still needs to be explained. Shit like hibernating lizard men. So Mulder gotta keep on keepin’ on.

And that was the point of the episode to me. Mulder needed something to make him see that his job wasn’t finished. I think that if you were new to The X-Files, and you watched this episode, you probably would never watch it again in your life. Hell, even I thought it was strange after I watched it. But after sitting on it for a couple days, I figured it out….to me, anyway. This brought back the essence of The X-Files to me, because we needed these episodes every once in a while. You can’t chase around aliens and be gloomy all the damn time. But I’m sure they’ll get back to the norm this week.

Finally, shoutout to the scene that had Mulder leaning up a tombstone with the name, “Kim Manners”. Manners was one of the driving forces behind The X-Files, and his 52 episodes directed were the most of anyone who worked on the show. Vince Gilligan also dedicated an episode, maybe two, to Manners on Breaking Bad and you should know that Gilligan’s big break came from his work on The X-Files. The other name was Jack Hardy, who worked on the second X-Files movie, I Want To Believe, as well as Millennium and The Lone Gunmen, both projects helmed by X-Files creator Chris Carter. That was a nice touch.

 

The X-Files Miniseries – Eps. 1 & 2

The X-Files debuted in 1993, when I was 13 years old. I wasn’t really out runnin’ the streets like that, so on Friday nights, there I was, posted up with Moms, watching these FBI agents tryna find out the truth about aliens, and coming across some of the strangest cases any cop has ever seen. For me, the show was really the first five seasons and could have ended after the first feature film, Fight The Future, which was incredible in the way that it handed the alien-mythology storyline. I’ll never forget Mulder and Scully runnin’ through that field after they were chased by bees, and Mulder tracking Scully down all the way to Antarctica, where he discovered that humans were basically alien incubators, and it was the first time that Scully saw a spaceship; she had to believe it now, after being brought onto the X-Files to debunk Mulder’s crackpot theories. I don’t really remember much after Fight The Future, though; Duchovny was in and out of the series, while Anderson’s role got downsized, and if I were pressed, without Wikipedia, I have no idea how it ended. But the first five seasons and the first movie; that’s enough to put in my top five of all time.

This whole reboot thing really kicked off when Gillian Anderson made an appearance on the Nerdist Podcast, and she and Chris Hardwick told fans to tweet to Fox if they wanted to see it again. Yada yada yada, and shit spread like wildfire, and if I’m not mistaken, Fox had already brought back 24 for a miniseries. Anderson has been busy since the show went off the air; she was in Hannibal and I think she is brilliant in The Fall, a BBC series in which she plays……a detective. David Duchovny was great in Californication, and he has a show out now, called Aquarius, in which he plays……a detective. It was only right that they get the gang back together for a limited-run series.

The recaps are changing a little, because the scene-by-scene joints are starting to take too much time, and to keep it 100, a brotha doesn’t have that much time. Hell, I wasn’t even gonna do it. But I heard the theme music in the premiere, “My Struggle”, and I felt like I was 13 again. Let’s go……..

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-The episode started with Fox Mulder basically recapping the series, and the rushed cadence that sounded like he’s just tryna get everything out of his head before he goes crazy was such a sound for sore ears. It was ripe with paranoia and sounded absolutely insane, which it would be if you hadn’t seen it yourself. He reunites with Dana Scully, and Anderson hasn’t forgotten that look that made the character; staring at Mulder like, “you’re fucking crazy….but you’re probably right”. I could really just spend 5,000 words on how happy I was to see Mulder and Scully together again. And Duchonvy and Anderson slipped right back into it like the show didn’t end in 2002.

-They meet with Tad O’Malley, who is played by Joel McHale of Community, and it works because he looks and sounds like a Tad; a water-polo playin’ mufucka that got in trouble in college, but his dad was rich, so he beat the case. But Tad has found Sveta, who has had fetuses stolen by aliens, and he also has built a spaceship from alien technology. The best part of this is when Scully is taking blood from Sveta, who can read minds, and Scully doesn’t believe it until Sveta starts talking about her relationship with Mulder, including their child, William, who I completely forgot about. The romantic tension between Mulder and Scully over the first part of the series was a major driving factor, but then they got together and it got kinda meh. But you can tell that Scully still cares for him and always will, even though Mulder looks kinda homeless and could probably use some exercise.

-Sveta reveals that it wasn’t aliens that took her babies, but it was men, and Mulder meets with a doctor that we see in flashbacks that are peppered throughout the episodes of the infamous crash at Roswell, and you can tell that creator Chris Carter is taking full advantage of the money and technology that he didn’t have when the show was first on. That doctor doesn’t tell Mulder what the truth actually is, but that he is close. Yo…..just fuckin’ tell him, b. Shit has literally driven Mulder crazy. You know it…..just tell him…..although I suppose he is afraid of dying, which is what happens to anyone close to Mulder or the truth.

-And wouldn’t you know it…..Tad is going to reveal the truth on his webseries, but Scully (who has already been charmed by Tad) finds out that his website has been shut down, and his spaceship has been blown up. Dudes ran up in there with the quickness, punchin’ scientists in the face and everything. Very efficient. Also, a spaceship lands over Sveta’s car as she is tryna escape and it seemingly blows up with her inside…..seemingly, because it’s The X-Files. Scully meets with Mulder and tells him that she has alien DNA, like Sveta because remember, she got abducted as well.

-At the end of the episode, Mulder and Scully get a call from Skinner, who wants to meet with them. But the kicker is the final scene, where we learn that the X-Files has been reopened from Smoking Man, who is now smoking through his neck. He was supposed to be dead, but nah b, you’re not killin’ Smoking Man. I laughed so hard.

On Monday, we got the second episode, “Founder’s Mutation”, which brought back another old name after Carter wrote and directed the premiere. This was written by James Wong, who was a part of the original series and now works on American Horror Story, which makes sense for how gory this episode was. By the way, I’ll get something on the AHS: Hotel finale out soon. I still haven’t watched it. Life, bruh. Life.

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-Mulder and Scully are now investigating the death of a doctor named Sanjay, who kept hearing high-pitched sounds that drove him to push a letter-opener through his brain, and it was GROSS. Shoutout to Fox giving a fuck-you to family groups who have to be mad that this was airing at what, 8 or 9 PM ET? Also, Sanjay going crazy in his work meeting was pretty good, and his black friend who knew something was going on when Sanjay rolled up to work looking like he hadn’t slept in weeks, which he might not have.

-Mulder steals Sanjay’s phone since Sanjay’s boss won’t give him access to whatever he was working on, and he meets with Sanjay’s lover, who mentioned something about Sanjay’s kids. Mulder and Scully then go to his apartment, where they find pictures of disfigured kids, and then Mulder gets the high-pitched sounds himself when the cops show up. Scully had also found the words, “Founder’s Mutation” written on Sanjay’s hand, and this leads the duo to Dr. Augustus Goldman.

-The FBI told Mulder and Scully that they weren’t working that case anymore and Skinner gave them the business in front of the Department of Defense, which is where Sanjay worked, but if you watched The X-Files, you knew that was some bullshit. Skinner was always there to give Mulder and Scully what they needed, from what I remember anyway.

-They go to Scully’s hospital, where she has also been working on disfigured children, and Goldman is a financial sponsor there. They meet Agnes, a pregnant girl who wants them to take her out of there and she thinks something is wrong with her baby. This sparks Mulder and Scully to think that Goldman is working on pregnant women, and they talk about William, who they’ll both fantasize about at some point during the episode. We gon’ see William before these six episodes are over, dogg. I promise you that.

-While meeting with Goldman, Mulder and Scully realize that these kids are definitely different, and they also learn that Agnes has been hit by a car, but her baby is gone. They talk to Goldman’s wife, who is in an asylum at Goldman’s request because she figured out that he was doing experiments on their children as well. Yoooooo…….we saw her daughter breathing underwater after falling into a pool as a child. Jackie, the wife, jumped in to rescue her and the little girl looked her in the face…..Jackie was like NOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPP and turned right the fuck around. That was pretty good. Then we see Jackie get into a car accident, crawl out and cut her stomach open because she was also hearing the noises, which was her baby’s attempt to communicate with her….and the baby crawled out itself. I assume she tried to explain that to people and they locked her up. It was truly some American Horror Story shit.

-Mulder being Mulder, made some connections and got some video footage of when Sanjay killed himself, and they noticed another man, a janitor that they almost ran over accidentally earlier in the episode. He seemed to be hearing the noises as Sanjay was, and the agents tracked him down to his house. His name is Kyle and they confront his mother, but Mulder starts hearing the noises again and Scully tracks down Kyle, who didn’t mean to kill Sanjay, but he is looking for his sister. They take him to Goldman’s lab and Goldman says that he will take him to meet his sister, Molly, but the first girl is a decoy and Kyle sees through it. He eventually finds Molly and they became psychic Voltron, causing glass to shatter, Mulder and Scully get knocked out and they use their powers to kill Goldman, making him bleed out of his eyes, ears, and really, his whole face. It was gross and so good. The siblings, communicating to each other telepathically, peace out. The episode ends with Mulder fantasizing about William, like Scully was earlier, and William getting abducted.

I honestly can’t tell you how happy these two episodes made me. It had everything: Mulder and Scully bantering, walking through shit with flashlights. Scully telling Mulder her scientific findings from an autopsy and Mulder spinning shit into whatever he wanted to hear. Skinner and Smoking Man. Scully and her smart fashion (they dressed her down like shit in the early seasons). A nice mix of the alien-mythology arc and what was really a stand-alone episode at heart in the second one. The Roswell crash. It had everything. I’m trying my best to not be biased, but The X-Files was the first serial drama I ever watched and really followed, and it holds a special place in my TV heart. I wish it was longer than six episodes, but six episodes is better than no episodes and I’ll be here for all of it.

American Horror Story: Hotel S05E08 – The Ten Commandments Killer

American Horror Story: Hotel returned after a week off with “The Ten Commandments Killer”, which follows what I thought was the best episode of the season, “Flicker”. Of course, that was the wee I decided to take off, but the Countess’ backstory continues to be the best part of Hotel, and it should get more play, but it’s AHS, which means there are 14 other things they need to focus on. Let’s go….

-We open with Wren’s suicide from the last episode, and he flashes back to seeing her in a coffin, while people standing around the scene are like, should we call the cops on this mufucka? Seems pretty suspicious since he just kinda runs away. Anyway, he runs back to the hotel, where Liz is putting on makeup and seems to be over the Tristan death, and John runs up on Liz demanding answers. Liz is like, you better watch your tone, bruh, and says that Wren was full of lies. He grabs Liz, who I think would kick his ass, but Sally steps in and says she has the answers he wants. Liz also gives him a gun in case he finds what he is looking for. Here is a hint: if I need a gun, I don’t need to look for it. But I would have left the hotel a long time ago.

-They go to Room 64, and Sally tells John that this was March’s office, where he died on a February 25th, and it was 2:25 am when he died, so that explains that. Behind a wall, John finds a hidden room, where he finds a number of body parts, ranging from murders in 1926 to the recent killings that he was investigating. Through a series a quick flashbacks, it is revealed that, viola, John is the Ten Commandments Killer, just like I said like four episodes ago. That was some bootleg Usual Suspects shit. Why else would he have been invited to the serial-killer party?

-John’s partner, whose name is Hahn apparently, is looking over Wren’s corpse and asks another cop to go and check on John’s family; when that cop leaves, John shows up out of nowhere and tries to confess that he is the Killer. He says that he first went to the hotel in 2010, where he met the likes of Liz, Sally and Donovan and he was still drinking at the time. They interrupt the monthly dinner of March and the Countess, and March was PISSED because he doesn’t get much time with her. He starts yelling, I don’t know what he is even saying and combined with the 1920s accent, I’m in tears. Evan Peters is just destroying this season. Good for him. Anyway, March sees something in John and kicks everyone out, even the Countess.

-These mufuckas talked and drank absinthe for two days, which I’m not sure is even possible. John passes out and talks to Elizabeth about bringing John into the fold, and she’s like, aight cool, I’ll kidnap his son and we’ll get this poppin’. Then John wakes up in a car outside of his house, not knowing what is going on, and walks in his house, where Alex is like, dogg, I don’t care where you’ve been. Holden cares and runs up on John, who says he’ll take him to the carnival, which is where he gets jacked by Elizabeth. Things are moving quickly in this episode, and they’re saying a lot…..but not saying a lot, you know?

-John continues telling Hahn his story of a double life, which takes place at the hotel as well as at home, where they’re still tryna find Holden. March thinks that he should get justice for his son, and shows him his accountant’s head, a trophy from someone who tried to wrong him. John returns to the hotel on Holden’s tenth birthday in 2015 and March shows him pictures of a man, Martin Gamboa, who was allegedly molesting a 10-year-old at the hotel, trying to get John to go after him. John offers to meet Gamboa via Craigslist, where he offered to buy his Oscar from him, and after showing Gamboa the pictures, he beats him to death with the Oscar. Then he tries to hang himself and pass over to the ghost world, like Sally, but March reminds Sally of their deal: he will protect her from the Addiction Demon, if he keeps bringing people to him. Hahn does confirm that Sally is indeed a person that killed herself at the hotel, but he is still skeptical of the story itself. A lot of us are, Hahn.

-John barely remembers any of this happening, but Sally tells him that the hotel suppresses his memories, and March tells him that he needs to finish the legacy of the original Ten Commandments Killer. I’m not sure if it’s Wes Bentley or the writing, or something, but something just isn’t jiving well with all this. I’m happy I was right about John being the Killer, but the way that they got here, I don’t know if it’s too complex or too easy.

-Whatever Krampus is, it looks like it sucks, b.

-So, John goes about assigning himself to the Ten Commandments Killer case, which he uses to visit crime scenes and cover up evidence. While he is in bed with Sally, John realizes that Alex has been having an affair with Hahn, who he then stabs repeatedly and Hahn says that he doesn’t deserve Alex. Shoot, he might be right, and Alex ain’t shit. He says to Hahn that he shouldn’t covet his neighbor’s wife, because commandments. He goes back to the hotel, where Iris is happy because she never knew which John she was getting from visit to visit. She tries to get him to never come back, but John is like, NOAP, and wants to go see March in Room 64. He also has a bloody paper bag….which apparently has Hahn’s penis and testicles in it to add to the Ten Commandments Killer trophies.

I have so many problems with this episode and John’s story that I don’t know where to start. Do we know who the OG Ten Commandments Killer is? Why didn’t he just stay away from the hotel in the first place?  If he drank absinthe for two days with March, why did he pass out like a little bitch during the serial-killer party? How is he gon’ be mad at Alex for sleeping with Hahn when he was sleeping with a fucking ghost Sally? When is Wren gon’ come back? Do we even know where Alex and Holden are? AND WHERE THE FUCK IS SCARLETT? As I said, I don’t know what it is, but they’re spending a ton of time on the least interesting character of the season and I don’t know who is at fault for it, but I couldn’t care less about John Lowe or anything he is going through.

That’s not even counting the stuff with Ramona, and the next two episodes have the word “revenge” in the title, so she’ll be back at some point. Don’t forget about Bartholomew the Gerber baby, Will Drake and his son are still around somewhere, and Donovan made a brief appearance here, but I assume he is still aligned with Ramona?

Sigh. This is where it all starts to go downhill for Hotel. They better start wrapping up these loose ends soon before there is another mess of a finale. My expectations are mad low for AHS right now