Monthly Archives: May 2016

Game Of Thrones S06E06 – Blood Of My Blood

I bet a lot of y’all had to pull the Wiki up for “Blood Of My Blood”, the beginning of the second half of Game Of Thrones. Bringing back characters from five years ago? I can’t remember what I had for dinner two days ago. Let’s go………..

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-Let’s start where we left off last week, with Meera dragging Bran’s vision-havin’ ass through the snow away from all the wights and the White Wakers. Shoutout to Hodor keeping them at bay long enough that they got a decent headstart, because they were surprisingly far enough from the Raven Cave. Meera would be a Crossfit master, I bet. While this is happening, Bran is having all sorts of visions, ones of the Mad King yelling “burn them all!”, the Red Wedding, the battle at Hardhome, the Iron Throne and I think Jaime was in there, maybe Cersei, too. Eventually, she gets tired and collapses as the cold-zombie gang (thanks, Milli) showed up and lo and behold, dude comes outta nowhere on a horse and starts whippin’ ass, and throws Bran and Meera on his horse to escape. When they get a safe place, which I still don’t get because as the man himself says, “the dead don’t stop” (or something along those lines), Meera asks why he helped them as the man is cracking open a rabbit head and pouring the blood out. He says he was sent by the Three-Eyed Raven who lives again, which wakes up Bran out of his trance. Then he takes off his mask and Bran sees its his uncle Benjen, who we haven’t seen since Jon got to the Wall in Season 1. You might not recognize him because, well, it was back in Season 1, and his face is probably more blue than you remember. That’s because, he says, he was stabbed by a White Walker, but the Children of the Forest saved him with their magic, so he’s only part-wight, I would assume the good part, though. He tells Bran that he’s the Three-Eyed Raven now and he has to take on the White Walkers. If Bran is gon’ do this, he has to learn to control this whole vision-havin’ shit. Hodor is gone, bruh, and Meera can’t be carryin’ you around on this sled. Anyway, cool scene and reintroduces Benjen back to the story, although there is probably more to it than he says. And back to Bran’s visions, I think that’s the first time we’ve ever seen the Mad King. There should be a webseries on how mad he is, featuring the Mad Rapper.

-Sam and Gilly are on their way to Horn Hill, where Sam grew up, and Sam says they should tell his family that Little Sam is his son, and that she can’t tell anyone he is a wildling because his pops hates wildlings. Gilly is asking a lot of questions, and I feel like she needs to just fall back and do what needs to be done to get this roof and this food. We meet Sam’s moms and his sister, who tries to tell Sam that she’s supposed to marry someone or other, but her moms tells her to be quiet. Later at dinner, they’re eating and Sam tells his father that the plan is to become a maester and go back to Castle Black. His father proceeds to just destroy him, calling him fat and all sorts of shit, and Gilly steps up, telling him that Sam killed a White Walker, which gives away the fact that Sam met her further north of the Wall. His father, Randyll, continues to berate them and his wife, Melessa, gets up to leave because well, her husband is an asshole. She takes her daughter (Talla) and Gilly, while Randyll tells Sam that Gilly can stay and work in the kitchen, and Little Sam will be a bastard, but Sam gotta go. Sam apologizes to Gilly later and tries to leave, but he turns around and is like, nah, we all goin’. But as they prepare to leave, he takes Heartsbane, a Valyrian sword that belongs to his family. That sword is big as shit, like, Brienne-sized. Sam might need to make a Bran-sled to carry that shit. But I bet it’ll come in handy at some point.

-Over in King’s Landing, Tommen and the High Sparrow are talking about Margaery’s Walk of Atonement, and Tommen goes to see her. Margaery is surprisingly not bitter at the High Sparrow and kinda admitting to all these sins, including not being a good queen to the poor,, and Tommen is like, uh, I didn’t expect that at all….but he kinda fucks with it. That being said, I think something is up because Margaery is her grandmother’s granddaughter. Mace Tyrell is bringing the troops to the city, where they meet up with Jaime. They get to the Great Sept, where Margaery is about to walk the streets, but everyone is there, including Lady O, who is just fanning herself all elegantly, but with the stankest look on her face because well, the streets probably smell awful. Look at all the dirty mufuckas waiting for Margaery to make that walk. Dicks were already out, mufuckas had poop in their hands, ready to throw. But there is Jaime, telling the High Sparrow to let Margaery and Loras go or it’s gon’ be a fight, and the High Sparrow replies that his crew is ready to die like Biggie, and they wanna die, which is kinda fucked, but look at this guy. Then he says that the Walk has been cancelled and the citizens are like, WELL WHY DO I HAVE FECES IN MY HAND? Then Tommen walks out with his guards to join the High Sparrow and Margaery, and tells everyone that the throne and the faith are now a power couple. Jaime doesn’t know what’s going on, and neither does Mace, but Lady O said that they’re beaten. Shit gets worse as Tommen strips Jaime of the Kingsguard, even though Jaime has been doing this since before he was born, and if I were Jaime, I’d just blurt, BITCH, I’M YOUR FATHER. Tommen then tells Jaime that he’ll be moving away from King’s Landing in lieu of not having to go to the dungeons or anything like that. I don’t know why they didn’t just roll through the Sparrows. They have batons; y’all have swords. Although I suppose the Kingsguard is now aligned with them. Man……Tommen might be the worst king of them all, and that’s saying a whole helluva lot for Game Of Thrones. Someone asked me if it’s a good thing that the king and the High Sparrow are joining forces. I haven’t watched five-plus seasons of this shit for the High Sparrow to be runnin’ anything. And shoutout to whoever it was on Twitter that called that dude “Dirty Bernie Sanders” (I tried to find it on Twitter and you’d be surprised at how many tweets contain those three words, but not in this context and that is a conversation for another day). That shit was GREAT.

So Jaime runs to Cersei because he doesn’t wanna go and help Walder Frey take back Riverrun as Tommen has commanded, and he wants to find Bronn to get a crew together and kill the High Sparrow. Cersei tells him that he’ll be dead before that happened and that would ruin everything, so he should go to Riverrun and flex that Lannister muscle. Jaime continues to sulk and says that he wants to be there for her trial, but Cersei say that it’s a trial by combat and she has FrankenMountain, so she’s good……so obviously, he’s gon’ die. How do you kill a monster that is already dead? I have a feeling we’re about to find out. Anyway, they kiss and I keep forgetting about the incest

-Arya is watching the rest of the play, and we get there as fake Tyrion is poisoning fake Joffrey. She is laughing and as I’ve heard from a couple podcasts over the week, this is probably the first that Arya is hearing about any of this. But she does feel some kinda way about fake Cersei, who is quite sad about her son dying, but Arya has a job and that is to kill her, so she goes backstage (security SUCKS at these plays) and gets caught by Lady Crane. She talks to Lady Crane and the two kinda get along, and Arya suggest to her that the real Cersei wouldn’t be sad, she would want revenge, which is absolutely not wrong. Lady Crane takes her suggestion to the writer of the play, who is basically like, fuck your opinion, and as Lady Crane goes to drink the poison Arya put into her rum, Arya knocks it out of her hand and tells her that her understudy, Bianca, wants her dead. This was alluded to last week, and this week as Lady Crane was reciting her line, and you see Bianca offstage, mouthing the same lines. But while all this is going on, the Waif sees everything…..who in the fuck is running security at these plays? Can anyone walk in the back? Anyway, the Waif runs to tell Jaqen and says Arya wasn’t ready and needs to die, and Jaqen says not to allow her to suffer. Meanwhile, Arya goes to get Needle and goes to sleep, although she has to know that there is no sleep and something is about to happen. Good, because this storyline needs to end soon and I can’t WAIT For Arya to fuck ol’ girl up.

-Walder Frey is back in the house as we haven’t seen him since shortly after the Red Wedding. His sons tell him that Brynden has taken Riverrun, and he chastises them for losing him at the Red Wedding in the first place; Brynden was the one that went outside to pee right before the doors closed on Robb and Catelyn. There are also a couple more houses that are going against the Freys, along with the Brotherhood Without Banners, who are basically a rebel army for the people that was kinda created by Ned Stark back in the day. But Walder tells them that he has a plan, and that plan is to bring out Edmure Tully, who Frey has had since the Red Wedding, which was Edmure’s wedding to Roslin Frey. The plan is to trade Edmure for Riverrun, but we all know Walder is a dick and has no intentions of living up to this deal. This is the same dude that killed the Starks after sharing his food and his house with him, so yeah, he gives not a single, solitary fuck about honor. I thought it was Crastor, Gilly’s FatherBabyDaddy, because he slapped that little girl in the ass, but I was corrected that it wasn’t. I can’t keep all the incest and pedophilia straight on this show.

-Finally, Dany, Daario and her new-old-new army of Dothraki are walking through the desert, and Dany is wondering how many ships she’ll need to get everyone back to Westeros. This includes the Dothraki, the Unsullied, the Second Sons, Tyrion, Varys, Melisandre Part 2 and her crew that Dany doesn’t even know she has yet, all of Bad Boy AND Death Row Records, all them mufuckas. Daario is like, about a thousand, so basically however many ships Euron Greyjoy plans on building. Then, Dany tells Daario to chill, she gotta go see something, and she takes a while, and Daario is like, I’m go get her. But he stops when he sees a big-ass shadow, and then you hear the shriek……DRAGON SHRIEK. Dany comes in flying on Drogon’s back, but I’m wondering if Dany fed the horse to Drogon? She left on a white horse and comes back on a mufuckin’ dragon. Anyway, she gives the Dothraki a rousing speech and says that the entire khalasar are her bloodriders, instead of the usual trio. The Dothraki are ready to ride for Dany and roll through the armies of the Seven Kingdoms, and yes, Dany, we’re ready, too. But we’ve heard this before. Stop fuckin’ around and go get this throne.

“Blood Of My Blood” was a fine episode, probably not the strongest of the season, but it sets up for the next four episodes. Benjen probably has to help Bran do more Raven training, while Brynden is about to be brought into a lot of shit with the Freys hollerin’ at him, and the Sansa/Jon army will be coming, too. Dany is about to fall ass backwards into a shitload of ships one way or another. And oh yeah, I won’t say it here, but you can find the remaining episode titles on the internet. Episode 9, bruh…..episode 9.

Four more to go……….

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Game Of Thrones S06E05 – The Door

We’ve reached the halfway point of Season 6 of Game Of Thrones with “The Door”, which I thought was going to involve the moon door because Littlefinger is back and we haven’t seen it for a while. Boy, was I ever wrong. Let’s go……..

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-Let’s start at the Wall, where Sansa gets a letter from Littlefinger, so she heads to Mole’s Town with Brienne to basically give him shit about giving her to Ramsay. She hit Littlefinger with all of the ether, asking if he knew what Ramsay was about (he did) and what he did to her (rape was really the best-case scenario for her, as fucked as that is). Littlefinger was like, yo, I got an army and we’ll protect you and Sansa wasn’t tryna hear it at all. She wants to get Brienne to kill him, but not really, even though he probably deserves it. But Littlefinger does tell her that her great-uncle Brynden Tully, uncle of her mother Catelyn, has taken Riverrun and she should holla at him to to help her. We haven’t seen Brynden since Season 3, and he went to pee outside, which is how he missed out on getting slaughtered at the Red Wedding. Anyway, Sansa says she has her brother’s wildlings and Littlefinger was like, half-brother….which is true, but ballsy when you’re walking past Brienne, who wouldn’t need a sword to fuck my man up.

Then Sansa meets up with Jon, Davos, Melisandre and the crew to figure out what the plan is for this war. They name a buncha smaller houses that they could enlist, then Sansa tells Jon about their great-uncle’s army, but she lies about where she got the information. Brienne calls her out on it later, and Sansa is like, fuck that, you go south and talk to Brynden about it. Also, Brienne was like, I dunno about that Tormund fella. Little does she know….he’s about to get all in that ass. I don’t know why I’m so excited to see this. But one thing that stood out to me: Brienne doesn’t trust Melisandre for obvious reasons and she tells Sansa about the Vagina Shadow Monster that killed Renly. If I’m Sansa, I’m like, sooooooooo can we use this magic or what? The hell with these past beefs, there is no time for that anymore. Deal with that later after we take down this dude that rapes and flays mufuckas. Get Melisandre to put that VSM to work.

-Dany is chillin’, lookin’ quite good for someone that just killed a slew a mufuckas and walked out of some fire. She tells Jorah that she banished him twice and he keeps coming back, and he saved her life, which I’m not sure how much he actually did, but whatever, it’s fine. Then Lord Friend Zone finally tells Dany how he feels, and Daario is chillin’ in the back like, is this old dude really taking my place right now? Jorah shows her the greyscale and Dany orders him to go and find a cure, and come back to her because she can’t rule Westeros without him. Dany and Daario take the Dothraki, I don’t know, I guess back to Meereen, while Jorah goes his own way. Goddamn, Daario didn’t even do anything and just took a big-ass L. He’s lucky with all the shit he talked, Jorah ain’t put the greyscale in his mouth.

-Move to Braavos, where Arya is still gettin’ fucked up by the Waif, who keeps calling her Lady Stark and basically tells her she ain’t about this life. Then ol’ vague-ass Jaqen comes him to tell her about an actress that he wants to give a gift to, from the Many-Faced God, and it’s a vial of poison. I’m getting real sick of this vague-ass mufucka. So she goes to see this play, which is a comic reenactment of the War of the Five Kings, so we see Robert’s death and we also see them make Ned look like a fool, and I thought Arya was gon’ bust someone’s ass right there. But she stays focused on her target, the woman playing Cersei, and she sneaks to the back. We also see a close-up of a warty penis. Well, I assume it was warty. I didn’t look close enough. Was it relevant? Fuck no. But how much irrelevant nudity have we seen in this show? A fuck ton. Gotta take the bad with the good, bruh. And they showed some tittays like, immediately afterwards. We’ll all be fine. Anyway, Arya says she’s gon’ poison ol’ girl and it’ll be blamed on her understudy, and then Jaqen goes on about something about a servant. I don’t know, I went to the bathroom. I fuckin’ hate this dude.

-Tyrion and Varys are in Meereen, concocting a plan to keep Dany’s name in good stead with everyone. But they realize that they need a local face for their plan, so they holla at Kinvara, who rolls with the Lord of Light, so she’s one of Melisandre’s homegirls. Varys is skeptical about Kinvara because of how wrong Melisandre was about Stannis, who was supposed to be the Prince That Was Promised, but Kinvara thinks it is Dany. But Kinvara then goes in on Varys of how he got to be a eunuch and she gets why he is mad because he got jacked by a second-rate sorceror. Even Tyrion was like, ooooooooh bitch, she went there? And we know Varys for always being so calm and cool, but we’ve NEVER seen him this shook before. She seems to be on board, but now Tyrion doesn’t know what to do and Varys, he’s a mess.

Shoutout to the actor that plays Varys, Conleth Hill. There are a lot of great actors on Game Of Thrones, and in bigger roles. But Hill has never looked out of place, especially these last couple seasons with Peter Dinklage. Dude is a beast.

-Now we’re at the Iron Islands, where Yara lays claim to the Salt Throne and Theon backs her up. But they’re interrupted by Euron Greyjoy, fresh off killing his brother and their father, Balon, and he admits that he did it. But Euron actually has a plan when he becomes king: he wants to marry Dany, which pairs him with her army and dragons, then they can wreck shop. While he kinda came outta nowhere and is kind of a dick…..that’s actually not a bad plan if he can execute it. So he gets the crown because the Ironborn aren’t progressive and not about having a woman lead them, even though Yara has proven herself. Euron has to do some bullshit where he is baptized, and then almost dies before they pull him to land and he finally coughs up a buncha water. There has to be a better way to crown a king, right? I wonder how many mufuckas died during that shit.

Anyway, Yara and Theon sneak off and steal the best boatsto go, I don’t know, not there, and Euron orders a thousand ships to be built so he can go after them. I don’t know how long it takes to build a thousand ships, but it seems like Yara and Theon will be long gone by the time they’re done. This storyline is finally starting to pique my interest.

-Alright, so we’re beyond the Wall with Bran and ’em now, and he’s going in and out of his visions, and he sees one of the Children, Leaf, the main one, pushing a dragonglass dagger through a dude’s chest….this dude’s eyes turn White Walker blue. Bran is pissed that the Children actually made the White Walkers, but Leaf says they had to defend themselves from the First Men, the first people to live in Westeros. Then he does his warg thing again and ends up going back to a tree from the first vision, but now it’s winter…..and he’s right up against the army of the dead, which he walks through like mufuckas in The Walking Dead that smear the zombie guts on themselves. He ends up face-to-face with four White Walkers, including the Night’s King, who actually sees Bran and then touches his arm. He wakes up and the Three-Eyed Raven is like, the fuck did I tell you? Well now, he touched you, and they’re coming and you gotta get the fuck outta here, b. In no time, the army of the dead ends up outside of their cave and the Night’s King leads the crew through fire and shit, into the cave, while Meera tries to wake up Bran, who is having another vision, and so is the Three-Eyed Raven, who tells Bran that he has to die and Bran will take his place. Bran asks if he’s ready for that and the Three-Eyed Raven is like, NOAP, but you don’t have a choice in the matter since you wanted to go wargin’ into mufuckas when I told you not to, ol’ can’t-walk ass. So Meera and the Children are doing their best to fight off the White Walkers and they’re holding their own, but Meera is yelling at Bran to wake up. Meanwhile, Bran is watching Ned say goodbye to his father, Rickard, before he goes to the Vale, and Rickard tells Ned to not fight, but if he has to fight, win. Bran eventually wakes up and wargs into present Hodor, as well as past Hodor, or Wylis as he was known. And while all this is happening, Meera kills a White Walker with a dagger…..a dragonglass dagger. So the shit is out there, it’s just a matter of getting enough to kill off, oh, I don’t know, roughly three million wights and White Walkers. No biggie.

Hodor picks up Bran and they start running for the door, but Bran’s direwolf Summer is killed tryna hold off the wights, and they fuck him up good. Leaf also dies as she waits for all of them to surround her, and uses a magic bomb (that’s the technical term, I promise….no, I don’t) to kill them all. The Night’s King gets to where the Three-Eyed Raven is, and kills him, and he dies in Bran’s vision also. Bran, Meera and Hodor get to the back door and trap the wights and White Walkers in the cave, and Meera yells at Hodor to “hold the door” so she and Bran can get away. Flashback to the past, where Wylis has a seizure and falls to the ground, repeating the phrase, “hold the door” until it morphs into “Hodor”. Skip back to Hodor getting his body torn apart by the wights as he is holding the door. Like, his face and chest and shit.

BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH..

There are a lot of times in this show that I’ve heard people say, I’m out, I’m not doing this anymore. It took me six seasons to get there. I’m obviously not going to stop watching, but my heart fucking broke to watch how Hodor got his name, the seizure, and the fact that he was put here for that reason: to help Bran. I haven’t felt this way about Game Of Thrones since the Red Wedding. I might have smoked back-to-back cigarettes after that scene. And now mufuckas are gon’ have to deal with White Walker Hodor, who is surely gon’ be a BEAST. How the hell do you stop that?

And how far does Meera think she can get with Bran? They’re obviously not dying, well, he’s not, but she’s not that strong and those wights seem to be fuckin’ fast. And it’s snowing and cold out. And Bran can’t fuckin’ walk. It’ll be interesting to see how that turns out.

That was emotionally draining. I try not to get too emotionally involved in shows, but goddammit, this one got me. Hodor was just tryna help. But it’s all part of the prophecy and now Bran gotta win, because if Hodor died for nothing, I’ll be livid. Overall, the episode was alright, essential to the plot and whatnot. But the Bran stuff pushed it over the top and as I said last week (I think), a not-great episode of Game Of Thrones is still better than 96% of anything on TV right now. So we’ll probably go back to Cersei, Jaime and Lady O going after the Sparrows next week, we might go to Dorne (but I don’t care if we do or not), and Ramsay will probably be somewhere killin’ people. But we’re on the downhill side of the Game Of Thrones mountain now for Season 6, so prepare to get your heart shat on a few more times.

Game Of Thrones S06E04 – Book Of The Stranger

I bet y’all were pretty excited for this episode of Game Of Thrones. I was initially as well. And as always, it was a great episode. But some of your favorites, one in particular, I’m not really impressed with what they pulled off in “Book Of The Stranger”. Let’s go.

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-Let’s start at the Vale, where we get the return of Littlefinger, and he is greeted by Robin Arryn, who would still be breastfeeding as a teenager if Littlefinger ain’t push his mother out the moon door. Littlefinger accuses Lord Yohn Royce (thank you, GOT Wikia, because I ain’t know this dude’s name at all) of snitching on Sansa’s location to the Boltons, and after giving Robin a pet falcon for his birthday (good luck tryna tame that, homie), he puts Royce’s life on the line. Robin suggests the moon door for Royce, and Littlefinger knows that he can suggest anything and Robin will listen, so instead, he gets Royce to pledge his loyalty to House Arryn in exchange for not dying. Then Littlefinger suggests to Robin that they rally the troops and head to the Wall, where Sansa has probably hollered at Jon, and Robin’s dumb ass is like, sure, bruh. Littlefinger is so underrated. How many major plots has he been behind without anyone knowing? He might be the most ambitious character in Game Of Thrones….and now he has an army. Shoutout to him knowing where Sansa would go, too.

-Up at the Wall, Edd is tryna persuade Jon to stay on as Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, but Jon is like, nah, it said that if I gave my life, my watch has ended…..mufuckas ain’t say shit about coming back to life, and loopholes are a bitch, ain’t they? But just then, the gates open for Sansa, Brienne and Pod, and when Sansa and Jon see each other, it’s pretty dope since they’ve both been through a lot. But, that being said, Sansa admits she was awful to Jon when they were children because he was a bastard. That’s why he is hesitant when Sansa unfurls her plan to take back Winterfell from the Boltons, using the wildlings. Jon is like, well, one, I’ve killed a buncha people and I’m tired, and two, you were really an asshole to me growing up. He didn’t even like Winterfell; he volunteered to go to the Night’s Watch if I remember correctly. So why in the hell should he help Sansa? Because he’s Jon Snow and honorable and all that bullshit. And you know that he will, so don’t be pressed. And it happens later as Ramsay sends a letter to the Wall, telling Jon that he has Rickon in a dungeon and if Sansa isn’t returned to him, he’s killing the wildlings, let his boys run trains on Sansa, and feeding Rickon to the dogs. I wonder if Ramsay has a ghostwriter, because those bars he dropped were fearsome, yet elegant, and he kept hittin’ Jon with that “bastard” like he was Cam’ron, ending each bar with the same word (just trust me on this one, shoutout to Dip Set). So obviously, Sansa convinces Jon to roll out with the wildlings and ask some people around the North as there are about 2,000 of them, and about 5,000 of Ramsay. So your favorite, Jon Snow, will be the one to take down Ramsay. Which is fine. He obviously isn’t going to die again. Special honorable mention in this scene is Tormund, eatin’ chicken and lookin’ at Brienne with fuck-me eyes and Brienne is so uncomfortable that she might fight him….then they’ll end up having all of the sex. And we’ll see it, too. I’ll watch it, too. That shit will be good and gross.

Then there is Davos talking to Melisandre, who says that she’ll listen to only Jon, and she won’t tell him what happened to Shireen because, yeah Davos, Stannis sacrificed ya little buddy. But Brienne rolls up on them to say that she remembers Renly being killed by Melisandre’s vagina shadow monster (you come up with a better name for it), that she doesn’t forgive or forget, and she killed Stannis after he admitted to killing Renly with blood magic. Melisandre better at least let Brienne get some before she brings out the VSM again.

-Quickly, in the Iron Islands, Theon finds his way back to Yara, who is grieving their father, and she goes on him about how she brought men to get him away from Ramsay and they died. Theon says that he was broken into a thousand pieces, and he’s right, and she thinks that he wants to come back and claim the throne. Theon might want it eventually, but not right now, and that he’s willing to help her take the throne. Meh. They’ll probably end up helping Jon against Ramsay. They better or they don’t really serve much of a purpose.

-Speaking of our lovable Ramsay, he calls for Osha, ol’ girl that was riding with Rickon. He’s peeling an apple, and you should just assume that something is happening in his scene. She talks shit about the Starks, and tries to seduce Ramsay by straddling him and putting her hand down his pants, and Ramsay plays along, but he tells her that she pulled this shit with Theon to get Bran and Rickon out of Winterfell. She tries to stab him with a knife and he gets her first, stabbing her in the neck. Point of this scene? If you ain’t know by now, Ramsay Bolton ain’t playin’. Also, if you didn’t know that by now, you should just stop watching Game Of Thrones.

-Let’s hit King’s Landing. That big-ass nun opens Margaery’s cell and takes her to the High Sparrow, and Margaery wants to see Tommen and her family, but he’s like, NAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. He tells her some story about when he used to party and sin, and I bet he was buck wild when he partied, doing lines off strippers and shit. He came to some awakening while this was happening and found the Faith of the Seven, and I blanked out when he was speaking, once again. But he is impressed that she knows the Book of the Stranger, which sounds like a sex move, and takes her to see her brother Loras, who is just a damn mess. Margaery tries to tell him to be strong and he’s like, nah, bruh, we gotta make this stop. That’s all he kept saying. What in the hell are they doing to him?

Then we head over to the Red Keep, where Cersei finds Pycelle with Tommen, and he wants Tommen to give in to the High Sparrow. Cersei ain’t about that at all and gets Pycelle outta here, and he slowly shuffles outta the room, staring at Cersei the whole way. That shuffle was good, bruh. That’s how I figure I’ll be moving when I get that age. Anyway, Tommen says he talked to the High Sparrow and Cersei was like, dammit, they got to him, and she’s like, nah, you’re the King, they humiliated your mother and your wife is next. We gotta go at his head. Then Cersei, with Jaime, heads over to the Small Council, where Uncle Kevan and Lady O are chillin’, and it’s all fun and games partyin’ on Cersei until she tells them that Margaery is next for the walk of atonement, and yo…..if you have it recorded, or you can find it, just pause it when the camera switches to Lady O. I swear to God, she wanted to take her earrings off and be like, not my damn grandbaby, OH HELL NO. So they convince her to get her big-ass army, come in and roll over the Sparrows while the Baratheon/Lannister armies sit back and chill. Cersei also reminds Uncle Kevan that the Sparrows took Lancel, his son, Cersei’s cousin and our introduction to the Sparrows. So now, Cersei has the Tyrell army and FrankenMountain. GODDAMN, A LOTTA PEOPLE ARE ABOUT TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE.

-Meereen is next, and Tyrion is backed up by Grey Worm and Missandei, meeting with the Masters of Yunkai, Astapor and Volantis. Grey Worm wants to fight, but yo, we saw y’all against the Sons of the Harpys last season; for being such great fighters, y’all let a buncha cilivians punk you, bruh. But Tyrion suggests that, maybe, they ease the abolishing of slavery, giving the Masters seven years to get out of the game. Missandei and Grey Worm aren’t really happy about this, they do put on a united front with Tyrion, who also gives women to the Masters to persuade them. I’m not really sure what Tyrion’s plan is here, and it seems like a really bad move. But again, dragons listen to him, so if push comes to shove, he has that. They all just need to get outta there, I’m getting pretty tired of Meereen.

-Finally, we’re in Vaes Dothrak, where Jorah and Daario figure out where Dany is. Daario is tryna make jokes about how Dany picked him, and Jorah is like, man, we ain’t got time for that petty shit right now. I think the old Daario could pull off not being a dickbutt…..this dude, I’m just waiting for him to die. Jorah convinces him to leave his weapons outside because you can’t carry weapons in the city, but just then, Daario sees the Greyscale infection on Jorah’s arm. Jorah says he’s fine and it hasn’t touched Daario, but I bet Daario will stop being petty now. So they sneak into the city at night and two Dothraki see them. Jorah tries to lie and say they’re merchants, but they just end up killing them because Jorah is a terrible liar. They even smash one dude’s head with a rock to make it seem like they didn’t bring it weapons, but I don’t think that really makes a difference. Cover your bases, tho, I guess.

Dany is chillin’ with the rest of the Khal widows, and the High Priestess is tryna talk to Dany, who doesn’t really care and excuses herself to go pee. She gets an escort, a lhazareen (not super important) whose khal died when she was 16. But they’re met by Jorah and Daario, who put a knife to her throat, but Dany is like, nah, calm down, she’s with me, she’s good. They want her to leave, but Dany knows that they probably won’t make it out alive, so she has a plan. Then there is the khalar vezhven, which is basically where all the khals meet to talk about stuff, and they’re tryna figure out what to do with her. A couple of them want to use her as a rape toy because that’s kinda what they do. Some want to make her their khaleesi, and some want to ransom her to the Wise Masters, who have a price on her head. Then Dany pipes up with, what about what I want, and they all look at her like she put an algebraic formula up on a blackboard, like, what do you mean? The Dothraki aren’t really here for the feelings of women; they lock them up in a temple when their khal dies, for fuck sakes. So Dany tells them that she doesn’t think any of them are fit to lead the Dothraki, but she is. They all laugh and the one that found her, Moro, says that she will indeed become a rape toy for not only the khals, but their bloodriders and then, their horses. Dany looks at him like, “O RLY”, and puts her hand in the middle, like, a torch or something (it’s called a brazier, it holds hot coals). She proceeds to burn the entire place down, and the place goes up fast as shit. Rod from The Black Guy Who Tips had the tweet of the night: “What the fuck? Is this place made of gasoline?” (y’all should check out the TBGWT podcast recaps for Game Of Thrones. They come out every Wednesday and they’re the best). She looks Moro dead in his eyes before throwing the last brazier on him, and everyone starts running towards the temple outside. Then, out comes naked Dany (no, I don’t know if it was a body double and I honestly don’t care. It’s the internet. I can see titties any time I want. Stop being pressed), walking out of the temple, and everyone starts bowing. Jorah and Daario are the last ones to bow, and Daario is confused because Jorah was there when she walked out of the pyre in, what, Season 1? He’s never seen anything like this and Dany looks at him like, mufucka, you BETTER get on your knees.

So, here is my thing with this: I’ve been riding with the Stormborn Gang for a long time now, basically since she walked out that pyre. I fucks with Dany, that’s my dogg. And cool, now she has another army. But what is this, army #3? She has had the Dothraki before through Drogo, then she bought the Unsullied, then she has the slaves willing to ride for her (although they’re not really fuckin’ with her right now). It seems like I’m forgetting one, as well. Point is, Dany has had backing before, but she has to make a decision: does she want to be a slave liberator, or does she want her throne back? Being a slave freer is fine and noble and all…..but this is a television show and I don’t care about them. Use all these people, go get your dragons, and stop playing Harriet Tubman. I’m happy she did this and all, but we’ve seen it before. Fucking DO SOMETHING WITH IT.

So next week, we need to get back to Bran, so he can finally confirm who is in the tower and storylines can start coming together. We’ll get back to Arya, I would assume, and probably Jon going around with his hand out, tryna build an army to go after Ramsay, which is also where Littlefinger comes in. I’m also ready to see Lady O get the Sparrows outta here, because I’m about done with them; they’re the only time I kinda zone out and not pay attention. Oh, and Dany and ’em should start making their way back to Meereen, and Tyrion’s deal will get thrown in the bushes, because the Dothraki will just kill everyone who opposes her. That was a nice GOT debut from Daniel Sackheim, who directed the last two episodes. Next up is Mark Mylod, who did “High Sparrow” and “Sons of the Harpy” from last season. He’ll take over the next two episodes. Almost at the halfway point; everyone is on the chess board now.

Game Of Thrones S06E03 – Oathbreaker

Game Of Thrones had a lot to live up to after last week’s “Home“, which got a lot of people excited. They had to take their foot off the gas a little after that, but “Oathbreaker” was still a beast of an episode and put a few more pieces on the chess board, including one HUGE piece (or a prelude to the piece). Let’s go……….

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-I think I’ma continue the storyline-by-storyline format instead of scene-by-scene. I think it’s easier to follow and it’s easier for me to write. Again, shoutout to the GOT Wikia.

-Let’s start with Dany, who is being led by the Dothraki to Vaes Dothrak, or the House of 1000 Widows. She gets to the temple and the dosh khaleen, who is the queen of the widows, apparently, gets her naked and gives her another robe. Dany comes with her gang of nicknames, AKA Mother of Dragons, AKA Daenerys Stormborn blah blah blah and the dosh khaleen ain’t tryna hear that shit at all. The dosh khaleen tells Dany that she was in her position, and here she is. Now she has to wait until the khalasars figure out what to do with Dany because she bailed on the Dothraki after Drogo died. Meh. It’ll be all fun and games until the dragons come….and the dragons will come. One thing GOT is good at, is not stretching shit out too long and getting down to business, so that should be soon.

-Meanwhile in Meereen, Varys has a little chat with Vala, the prostitute that helped the Sons of the Harpy come in and wreck shop last season. He basically tells her to snitch on who is funding them, or she’ll die, which leaves her son as an orphan. In return, he’ll hook her up with silver and a boat to a new life, so the deal that he tried to give Shae, Tyrion’s (and Tywin) old squeeze. Then he goes to meet Tyrion, who has been tryna engage Grey Worm and Missandei in conversation, but it ain’t workin’. All Grey Worm wants to do is talk about work (we all know someone like that), and Missandei isn’t about that small-talk life, either, nor do they play drinking games, which is what Tyrion really wants to do because he’s a Lannister, although to be fair, we’ve only seen Tyrion and Cersei have a love for the wine.

Varys returns to tell them that the Sons of the Harpy are being funded by Yunkai, Astapor and Volantis; the first two are cities that Dany “freed” (Yunkai is the place where they passed Dany around like she was crowd-surfing and calling her “Mhysa”; Astopor is the place with the slaves nailed to crosses), and Volantis is where Jorah kidnapped Tyrion and took him to Dany. Anyway, they’re all coming together to fight Dany, who isn’t even there anymore, and Grey Worm wants to fight, obviously, but Missandei is against it because Meereen would be vulnerable. Tyrion says they have to think about it, but he asks Varys to send his little birds to send a message to those three cities. Solid scene, especially Tyrion tryna get Grey Worm and Missandei to be normal. They’re so dedicated to the way of life they’re in, it’s not like they’re tryna be assholes to Tyrion; they just don’t know how to shoot the shit, which is basically Tyrion’s life. But yeah, again, like above, it’ll be all fun and games until the dragons come out.

-The aforementioned little birds are actually children, and Qyburn is tryna get him on his side by giving them candy plums in exchange for “whispers”, or information. Cersei walks in with Jaime and FrankenMountain, and she tells Qyburn to get info on everyone who wants to take the Lannisters down, so basically everyone. She wants to know where the mufuckas were that were shaking their dicks at her, and throwing shit at her, the mufuckas that killed her daughter, people in the North that probably weren’t even thinking about her, but they’re gon’ get it, too. This is what I’m here for: the revenge of Cersei. Then they go to the Small Council meeting, and people aren’t happy about the FrankenMountain thing, partly because it’s kinda weird, and partly because they’re all afraid. So of course, Cersei and ’em walk in, and Lady Olenna Tyrell is back in the house, dropping some BARS on Cersei about how she might not know what it means to be the queen because she isn’t married to the king and quite frankly, the Lannisters are about that incest life. I had to pause it after she dropped that because of laughing…..Lady O is the fuckin’ best. Anyway, Lady O wants Margaery and Loras out, while Cersei and Jaime want revenge on the Sparrows, the Sand Snakes, anyone. But the Council, led by Uncle Kevan Lannister, decide to get up and leave. This is not gon’ make Cersei any happier, I’ll tell you that. At least she went in with a little respect before she just starts fuckin’ shit up. Because she WILL fuck shit up.

Then you have Tommen, who tries to bully the High Sparrow into letting Cersei see Myrcella’s final resting place. The High Sparrow says no, she hasn’t atoned fully yet and then proceeds to talk Tommen in circles about some shit that I don’t really care about. All I was thinking was, yo, KILL THIS DUDE. I’ve said this before, but one thing about Joffrey is that all this Sparrow shit would have been over a long time ago. What is this negotiation shit? But I guess it’s to make a distinction between the throne and the faith. I know Cersei won’t be happy when Tommen returns. He is so not built for this. This whole scene was the worst part of the episode. He really needs to go to Varys for some negotiation training, if this is how he’s gon’ go about it.

-Let’s go to Braavos, where Arya is continuing her training, and she’s gettin’ all kinds of fucked up by the Waif, who is asking her questions about her former life, which includes her family, the Hound, her death list, all that. But in true montage fashion (she is also mixing potions blindly), Arya finally gets better and can defend herself, and by the end of it, she even gets to hit the Waif. Jaqen comes in and the Waif goes away, and if I’m Arya, I’m now plotting to fuck her up in her sleep. Like, the worst shit I can think of. Anyway, Jaqen says she’ll have her sight back if she tells him her name and Arya says a girl has no name, which is getting old. Then he tells her to drink a bowl of water, the same shit that Arya has watched kill people, but Jaqen says that if she is no one, she has nothing to fear. She drinks it, the camera zooms in on her face and I’m like, BOOM, eyes…..and her eyes come back. Sure, it was predictable, but I’m down with Arya the Assassin, so it’s all good. So now, the question is, who is he training her to kill? The people on her list? Someone who has done him wrong in the past? Who would that even be? I guess we’ll see, but I’ll follow Arya fuckin’ people up.

-Next is Winterfell, where Ramsay is met by a fella named Smalljon Umber, who we have never met before. He doesn’t like the Boltons, he calls the late Roose a cunt, not once, but twice and accuses Ramsay of killing Roose, which is damn perceptive. He also says that he would have killed his own father if he had the chance. But he tells Ramsay that the Night’s Watch has let the wildlings past the Wall, and that the North is next, so they should come together. Ramsay says that he should bow to the Boltons and Smalljon is like, fuck all that noise, but I have a gift: he brings in Osha and Rickon, who we haven’t seen since Season 3 before the Red Wedding. Ramsey doesn’t believe that it is Rickon until Smalljon throws down the head of Shaggydog, Rickon’s direwolf. So now Ramsey is sitting pretty because he has the actual Lord of Winterfell in his position, and Rickon doesn’t know what the hell is going on. This might be better than marrying Sansa for Ramsay, and for all Rickon knows, his entire family is dead, so he doesn’t have much of a choice.

-But then we have Bran, who is watching a fight that he has heard about: Ned against the Targaryens at the end of Robert’s Rebellion. Ned is with Howland Reed, the father of Meera, who just in the last episode, said that she didn’t know what Bran needed her for. Long story short, Ned and ’em try to get to this Tower of Joy, and the Targaryen Kingsguard, led by Ser Arthur Dayne and Lord Commander Gerold Hightower. So basically, they gotta fight and the fight is on, eventually down to Ned and Arthur, and Arthur gets the better of Ned, but Howland stabs Arthur in the back of the neck. Ned, being honorable ol’ Ned, doesn’t really like that the dying Howland stepped in, but it is what it is, and he kills Ser Arthur. But then, we hear a woman scream from the tower and Ned goes to see who it is, and Bran (who yells at his father, who turns around as though he heard something) wants to follow him to see who it is, but the three-eyed raven stops the vision. Bran is mad, but the raven says that Bran has to learn everything before he leaves the cave. Sooooooooooooooo……..this is where we get the lowdown on Lyanna Stark, who was present in last week’s flashback with Ned and HodorWylis and such. That has to be her in the tower, and Ned goes to find her…..but I bet she has a baby with her, and I’ve got a pretty good idea on who that baby is. This is some other shit I’ve been waiting to find out, but I wanna let it unfold. Just think about it and I bet we all know who it is.

-Before the main event, I forgot about Sam and Gilly, who are on a boat going to Oldtown, which won’t allow women, so they have to figure that out. But first, Sam has to stop being seasick, because it’s Sam and it’s fitting. Also, Sam steppin’ up to the plate as the “father” of Young Sam or Little Sam or whatever the hell he’s called. Anyway, he’s gon’ take him to his home, Horn Hill, where his mom and sister are nice, but his father, not so much. I honestly forgot about this whole thing, but it’s on the backburner.

-We get to the Wall, where Davos is looking at a breathing and naked Jon like, what in the fuck is going on….she actually did it. Melisandre walks in like, YO I DID IT I FUCKIN TOLD YOU (not really, but you know she wanted to party). She asks him what he saw after he died and he was like, nothing, and she said the Lord of Light brought him back for a reason and he’s like, I have no idea what is going on. She leaves and Davos talks to Jon about all this, about him being dead and not being dead, and it doesn’t matter because he is here now. So Jon puts his gear on and walks out through the people, who all look like they’ve seen a ghost, and Tormund makes a dick joke before giving Jon a hug and Jon is like, yo, I just got stabbed, b, watch yourself. Then he hugs Edd, who went and got the wildlings.

Then the episode ends with Alliser, Olly’s little fuckass, and Alliser’s two homies that were behind the mutiny, and they’re chillin’ in some nooses, about to be hanged. Alliser says he’d make the same choice again because it was either betray the Night’s Watch or betray Jon…..the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. I get what he means, but he needs a speechwriter. Well, he did, before Jon swung that sword and cut the rope to hang the four. He tried to look at Olly and make Olly feel guilty, but Olly is the fucking devil and didn’t care. He was mad at Jon until the second he died, and hey, I guess I give it up to Olly and Alliser dying for what they believed in, no matter how wrong it was. Anyway, Jon takes off his cloak, gives it to Edd, which makes him the Lord Commander, and he says that his watch has ended as Jon walks away. I don’t know where the hell he thinks he’s going. It’s cold as a mufucka up there. But Melisandre and Davos won’t be far behind. Maybe he’ll bump into Sansa along the way because now, the Starks gotta get the band back together and save Rickon from becoming Ramsay’s puppet.

While “Oathbreaker” wasn’t as action-packed as “Home”, it was still pretty damn good, from the Ned fight scene to the hanging, which we all cheered about. But it was a game-changer in the fact that, well, just wait until you see who is in the tower. This is really the only theory I’ve subscribed to in terms of GOT, and they took a huge step in confirming that last night. But I figure next week they’ll get back to Sansa and Brienne, and we gotta figure out where Jon is going. Dorne will probably make an appearance (although I’d be cool with it being skipped), and let’s push along Operation: Get the Sparrows The Fuck Outta here, shall we? Oh, and dragons. Did they get out of the basement yet? Have they eaten? When will they hook up with Drogon and find Dany? Where the hell are Daario and Jorah, even? Still ain’t seen Littlefinger yet. Things are ratcheting up on Game Of Thrones.

Game Of Thrones S06E02 – Home

Normally, I work on Sunday nights, so I just stay off social media for the most part until Monday morning, which is when I’d watch Game Of Thrones. I usually don’t even check my phone, but Raptors Game 7 was on, so I had to and the first message rolled in, like, one minute after the Atlantic time viewing aired. Then, within three minutes of the Mountain time viewing, I got two text messages, one from my roommate, who knows I usually come home, play some FIFA on the PS4 and then go to bed. He texted me a slew of cuss words, a buncha “WOWs” and finished off with “Fuck FIFA, b”. So I broke tradition and watched it when I got home. And yeah……they were all right. “Home” is up there with the very best episodes of Game Of Thrones. Let’s go…..

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-We open with Bran’s big ass, we ain’t seen him in a minute. He is dreaming, watching a scene between his pops, his uncle Benjen, his Aunt Lyanna and Hodor, whose name used to be Wyllis, apparently, and he used to talk. Lyanna is Ned’s sister, and Bran acknowledges that Ned didn’t talk much about her. All we know about her is that she was kidnapped by Rhaegar Targaryen prior to marrying Robert Baratheon, who started a war to find her. She was killed before that, but we don’t know how; I assume we’ll see that through Bran and that would endear the storyline more to me. There is a lot that we don’t know about what happened before GOT started, well, we know what happened, but we didn’t see it….and a lot of stuff we didn’t see will play into what happens in the future. Anyway, the Three-Eyed Raven stops that dream like a mufucka and Bran is carried outside to see Meera, who is told by Leaf, one of the Children of the Forest, that Bran will need her when they get out in these streets. The Raven gotta sort out Bran’s legs, b. Hodor’s back gotta be all fucked up. Anyway, this storyline looks like it’s going to move quickly. I’m really tryna care about it because I know it’ll be important.

-Let’s move to Braavos, where Arya keeps gettin’ fucked up by the Waif, who is not messin’ around. That shit looks like it hurts, and the Waif keeps asking Arya what her name is, and she keeps replying, “no one”. Then Jaqen shows up and he tries to bribe her with things if she says her name: he’ll give her somewhere to sleep, get her some food, even give her sight back, but Arya keeps on with the “no name” shit. So Jaqen is like, come on, and tells Arya to leave her money dish because she isn’t a beggar anymore. So, is he gon’ lead her or what? SHE CAN’T SEE. At least hold her arm or something, give her a walking stick, a dog, something.

-Next, we’ll go to the Iron Islands, where Balon Greyjoy and Yara are tryna figure out their next move as they lost a lot of people at Deepwood Motte, which is close to Winterfell. I don’t know this exactly, but that is what the GOT Wikia is for (if you ever have any questions at all about GOT, just go there). They’re bickering because Balon thinks they would have been fine had Yara not taken men to find Theon, and basically tells her that it doesn’t matter what she thinks, he is the king and she’ll listen, or he’ll make another heir. I don’t know how old he is, but I don’t know how much more time Balon has for heir-making. That being said, old-ass men have gotten women pregnant in this show before. He leaves and starts walking along this messed-up suspension bridge, in the middle of a storm, mind you, and Balon is stopped by a man, who turns out to be his younger brother’s Euron. This is our first time meeting Euron, and we haven’t even heard of him since Season 1, and long story short, he was a pirate who ripped out the tongues of his crew. He calls himself the Drowned God, and I know there is a Based God joke in here somewhere, but I’ll let him cook. He tells Balon that he is too old for this shit now and someone else needs to step up, so when Balon tries to cut him, he tosses his old ass over the bridge. Then they had the funeral, and Balon looked pretty damn good for someone who fells a long way down to some jagged rocks; that’s some good body preservation. Yara thinks she is taking the throne, but Aeron Greyjoy, the youngest Greyjoy brother, says that the Kingsmoot will decide who the next king is, not what Yara thinks Balon would have wanted. She’s right, but the law is the law, and this would be made easier if Balon had a son. If he only had a son…..

-So we move to the North, where Brienne tells Sansa about meeting Arya and Sansa says she should have went with Brienne earlier, but hindsight is 20/20. Then Theon tells Sansa that he is leaving, and he is going home…..where there is an opening for the throne, so keep an eye on that. He tearfully tells her that Brienne and Pod can look after her now, and if he can take a horse to get home. He better hope he gets there without Ramsey and ’em seeing him. So, speaking of Ramsey, Roose is talking to him and Harald Karstark about the Sansa situation, and Ramsey just wants to wild the fuck out and kill everyone, and Roose tells him, if he acts like a wild dog, he will be treated as such by the people. Then a maester comes in to tell Roose that he now has a son from Walda Frey, which puts Ramsey’s spot as the heir on shaky ground. As Ramsey goes to hug his father in congratulations, he stabs him in the stomach, although we all thought, or at least hoped, that it was the other way around. He tells the shocked maester to send out a raven saying that his father was poisoned, while Harald Karstark is in the background like, YUP. He was ready to back Ramsey’s “kill ’em all, sort it out later” plan, so now that shit is in full effect. But wait…….it gets better. Ramsey sends for Walda and his new half-brother, and he says he is taking them to see Roose, but leads them down to where the dogs are, the rabid, hungry, snarling dogs. Walda was like, sooooooooooo, where is your father and quickly realizes, oh shit….yo, I’ll leave and you’ll never hear from us again, while Ramsey is walking around, opening the cages. How many times did you say, “nah, he ain’t gon’ do this…..right? NAH”. We all knew this was coming, that Ramsey was killin’ Walda and the baby if it was a boy, but yo…..he sicced the dogs on ’em, bruh. Too much of a fuckboy to even do it himself. Goddammit, I hate this dude. Joffrey ain’t got SHIT on Ramsey, who owns the top two spots in the “Most Disturbing Shit to Ever Happen on GOT” list. For me, #1 was the Sansa rape, #2 is this, and #3 is Joffrey fuckin’ up Ros with the crossbow in Season 3. The craziest part about Ramsey to me is that we didn’t even see what happened in either of those things, but we know him and possibly worst, we just hear it. Man…..he gotta get fed to those dogs.

-Next, let’s do….ummmmmmm…….let’s do Meereen, where Tyrion is holding court with Varys, Missandei and Grey Worm, who is apparently all sorted out after last season, standing with Barrister Selmy when the Sons of the Harpy attacked. They tell Tyrion that Rhaegal and Viserion haven’t eating since Dany left, so Tyrion is like, well, let’s take them off their chains and get them some food. He asks Missandei if she spent a lot of time with the dragons, who are intelligent and remember who their friends are. So Tyrion and Varys go down where they’re being kept (I thought they’d send Missandei), and Tyrion walks down towards the dragons, who start to move around. Tyrion quietly talks to the dragons, telling them a story of how he wanted one when he was little, and how he cried when his father told him the last dragon had been killed. Then he walks up and unchains both dragons, who are a little edgy and roar a couple times, but overall, they seem to be pretty cool about everything. Tyrion tells Varys as they’re walking away, if he ever has a plan like this again, punch him in the face. Peter Dinklage is the best, man. For all of the great actors and actresses on GOT, he is at the top, he and Lena Headey as Cersei. So, this is lending credence to the theory that Tyrion is a dragonrider, and you can find this theory on the internet somewhere, but basically, Tyrion is half-Targaryen. I could see it. I’m not sure if they’ve ever even seen him before, but they listened to him, so something has to be up with that.

-On to King’s Landing, where this dude is telling a story about showing his junk to Cersei during her walk of shame. He goes out to take a leak, and turns around, and looks up at the person behind him…WAY up, and “person” is debatable. It’s FrankenMountain, who smashes his head up against a wall and that shit bursts like a grapefruit. Cersei and FrankenMountain go to head to Myrcella’s funeral, but they’re stopped by guards who say King Tommen wants her to stay in the Red Keep, which is some cold shit. But it was pretty damn hilarious how the guards all flinched when FrankenMountain reached for his sword. He would have fucked ALL of them up if Cersei wanted it, but she decides to give it up. At the sept, Tommen tells Jaime what we all knew: that he isn’t really about that life and he got scared when the High Sparrow came through with his people. No matter how much you hate him, at least we know that Joffrey wouldn’t have stood for that shit at all. Jaime tells Tommen to go see Cersei when the High Sparrow enters, telling Tommen that he still can’t see Margaery until she confesses. Jaime wants to pull the sword out on the High Sparrow, but then all the Sparrows appear behind Jaime and the High Sparrow explains that they’re nothing on their own, but together, they can overthrow an empire. Lowkey, the Sparrow is a fuckin’ G. He needs to die, but you gotta respect his gangsta. We also got a rundown of all the foul shit Jaime has done, like killing his king, for example. You forget how much shit he has done over the last six-plus seasons. Then we switch to Tommen and Cersei and he apologizes for keeping her holed up. He says he should be strong and he wants to be strong, and hugs Cersei. You can see her wheels are turning because now she has FrankenMountain AND the Kingsguard to take on the Sparrows. Let’s fuckin’ GO. That’s the shit I’m waiting for.

-We end at the Wall, where Alliser tells Davos and ’em that they’ve reached their surrender deadline, and they start knocking the door down. But the wildlings emerge with Edd, led by the giant, who looks at a mufucka that shoots him with an arrow. He takes that dude, smacks him up against a wall and throws him on the ground and the Night’s Watch is all FUCK THIS, and they lay down their weapons. They take Alliser and Olly (fuck that little treacherous bastard, I forgot to say that last week) to the cells. Then Tormund, the red-headed wildling, sees that Jon is dead and starts to get wood for body-burning, while Davos goes to Melisandre, who is down in the dumps, but looking like her regular self. As I said, Davos gives Melisandre that pep talk and is like, I know you can bring a mufucka back, can you at least try? Melisandre isn’t feelin’ it as everything she said about Stannis didn’t come true (he’s coming back, mark my words). But she tries, and chants some ol’ bullshit to Jon’s body, but he doesn’t revive and everyone leaves…..slooooooooooowly. I just kept watching the screen because you knew what was coming after everyone left, and as soon as Ghost started to stir, you knew it was coming. Y’all happy now? Ya man is back. He took that big-ass breath and shit. I’ll give them one thing, they didn’t waste any time. I said he’d be back, maybe, at the end of the season, definitely next season. Two episodes and he was back. Now, all we need to do is find Dany and we have the dragonriders outchea.

Everything about this episode was damn near perfect, the way it was shot, the writing (not written by David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, but Dave Hill, who wrote “Sons of the Harpy” from last season) and directing (directed by Jeremy Podeswa, who directed last week, along with “Kill The Boy” and “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken“, aka the Sansa rape, from last season), everything. Things are starting to pick up as we get closer to the finish line, and I’m ready for that. Next week, I assume we’ll see some Dany stuff, we still haven’t seen Littlefinger in a while and I’m anxious to see if Sansa goes to him (or if Ramsey pays him a visit, wherever he is) and mufuckas gotta start heading to Dorne. Oh, and Jon Snow, I guess. I’d laugh really hard if we ain’t see him for like, two episodes. Y’all would be so mad.

It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if this episode was nominated for an Emmy for something….and this is Episode 2. Buckle the fuck up.