The Walking Dead S07E02 – The Well

After the insanity of the seventh-season premiere, The Walking Dead returns with “The Well”, which allows everyone to take a breather and we’re introduced to the newest community, the Kingdom, and now, we can all move on last week, right? Right.

Although I feel kinda bad for Abe…..no one cared about him hahaha….still tho, no more Glenn jokes for me. I’m so good with those.

Let’s go….

-So, I missed pretty much everything up to the opening credits because I was watching soccer (shoutout to Toronto FC, we’re halfway there, boys). But from what I gathered, we go back to Carol, who was shot by the Saviors at the end of last season, but is rescued by Morgan and some guys on horses. Carol, obviously a mess, goes back to sleep, wakes up, hallucinates and walks into a buncha walkers and has to be rescued again, then she sleeps for two days. Does that about cover it? This will probably happen again next week because soccer trumps The Walking Dead in these streets.

-Anyway, she wakes up and Morgan is pushing her around the Kingdom in a wheelchair, which seems like a dream because children are playing and people are laughing, basically, any community we’re introduced to this show. He says they can go back to Alexandria in a week when she is better, but he wants her to meet King Ezekiel, and yooooo……this dude is chillin’ on a throne with a big-ass tiger named Shiva. He welcomes Carol with this kingly accent, offers her some fruit because it’s fruit day and behind him is a wise-cracking Asian guard named, um, I’m not sure, but dude is pretty good. Carol, looking up in the air to find the jig, goes into Casserole Carol mode with this look on her face like, come on, dogg, this can’t be real, and refuses the pomegranate, which I don’t think I’ve ever had, but shoot, I wanted to take one. They leave and Carol is like, this place is crazy, they’re crazy and I’m out, but Morgan won’t allow it, even though he knows that if Carol wants to leave, she’ll leave.

-Ezekiel leaves with Morgan, this kid Ben, this girl (I don’t know if we got her name) and this cat named Richard, and they’re corralling pigs into a room where they eat a walker because as Richard says, they want their pigs to be filled with rot, which sounds disgusting. They run into more walkers and Ben is instructed to kill one with a machete, but he struggles and Ezekiel saves him, but he wants Morgan to keep the pig hunt a secret for whatever reason, which we’ll learn later. He also wants Morgan to train Ben with the staff because he needs to keep Ben alive. Ezekiel has taken a liking to Ben, and I have my theory about why. All I’m saying is, I run into another brotha and he got a tiger, I’m rollin’ with him. But that’s too many of us on the show now, so someone gotta go.

-I think it was also here that Morgan tells Ezekiel that he could have saved the Savior that he shot to save Carol, and I’m not really here for another season of Morgan tryna save everyone. You saved Carol, that’s important. These Saviors ain’t shit, bruh. They’re too far gone. This dude will really try to have a non-violent sitdown with Negan, and I’d love to see how that would go down.

-Anyway, this awful choir sings through this montage of Morgan training Ben, Ezekiel watching, and Carol wheelin’ around, stealing clothes and knives, both of which were amazing. The knife was sitting on a table and she rolled by it, and then you see this hand just yoink that shit off the table, but we just see the hand and I actually laughed out loud. Then the clothes, she basically told this man to look over there, and put the clothes under her blanket. I think she might have sighed when she did it too, like, y’all mufuckas are stupid.

-Ben wants to read Morgan’s “Art Of Peace” book, then Ezekiel tells them to come on this run and Richard tells Morgan to bring his gun, which I didn’t think he had. They go to meet a group of Saviors and it turns out the pigs were for them because the Kingdom is also on this pay-as-you-go-or-you-die plan with the Saviors, who are just runnin’ everyone’s pockets outchea in these streets. One of the Saviors picks a fight with Richard, who could easily destroy this guy, but Ezekiel tells him to stand down and Richard just takes two shots from the Savior until their leader, Gavin, who I’m pretty sure we met last season, tells him to stop. Anyway, this is meat week and next is produce week, and Gavin warns Ezekiel that if he gets less than what is on his list, Richard is the first to die. Jokes on y’all, tho…..you’re eating walker bacon…..walker pork chops…..all that shit. And that CAN’T be good for the digestive tract. Oh, and the girl that went with them earlier, her name is Dianne, apparently.

-They get back to the Kingdom and over dinner, we learn that Ben has a younger brother and their father was here, but he died while clearing out a building with walkers, and I bet that is absolutely not what happened, but what Ezekiel told him. Ben also says that Ezekiel is hiding this deal from the Saviors because if he told the Kingdom, they’d wanna fight and well, I don’t think they know this yet, but they’re definitely not built for that shit in the slightest. Then he asks Morgan if he is against killing and Morgan is like, sometimes, we change our minds…..word, Morgan? See, and this is just it…you gotta kill in the zombie apocalypse. You just gotta. You don’t have to like it, in fact, it’s kinda weird if you do. But you gotta kill. You’re not saving the Saviors. They all gotta die. But he knows them and now he has the Kingdom, and they’re all gon’ team up with Rick and ’em and bring down Negan, so it’s just a matter of how they get there.

-Shoutout to the Fear The Walking Dead commercial snippets that are back. This series is called Passage and so far, some girl is following another girl towards, well, I’m not sure yet. It’s all very vague and they seem to be hiding in some sort of test compound, and they’ll flesh it out. Flight 462 from last season was so much better than the actual Fear TWD, and I expect this to be good as well, and then we’ll get to Fear and it’ll be terrible.

-Morgan goes to bring Carol some food, but she’s long gone. She is out in the garden, stealing fruit and she is caught by Ezekiel and that guard, who chucks up the deuces as he leaves and man, he’s pretty damn good. But we learn that Ezekiel knows Carol is faking her act because as he says, you can’t bullshit a bullshitter. Ezekiel drops the accent and sounds like he might have ad-libs on a Southern rap record, and he used to be a zookeeper before everything went down. Basically he rolled up on this community with a tiger and they had no leader, so Ezekiel (which is actually his name) threw on this accent because he did a little acting, and he assumed the role because people want to feel safe…..and I bet it was largely because he had a tiger that didn’t want to eat him (he saved Shiva from bleeding to death, so the tiger is down with him). And you know, he is right. Same shit happened in Alexandria, same shit happened with the Woodbury and the Governor, and I bet the same shit happened with Negan and the Saviors. Someone has to step up and lead. So why not the dude with the tiger?

-HAVE I MENTIONED THAT THE DUDE HAS A TIGER THO?

-Carol thinks it’s all some bullshit, but I think she comes to respect Ezekiel a little bit. Still, she wants to go and Ezekiel is like, cool, but I think I have a solution where she goes, but she doesn’t. The house from the beginning was a caretaker’s cottage, so it’s not on Kingdom property, but it’s close enough. Morgan takes her out there and tells her that she is one of his favorite people that he ever knocked out, so that’s nice. Carol goes into the house and kills the Old Woman Walker that almost got her at the beginning, and then she makes a fire. Ezekiel comes by with a pomegranate and she smiles……and if there is one thing The Walking Dead is here for, it’s interracial relationships. We got Rick and Michonne, there was Sasha and Abe, Abe and Rosita, Glenn and Maggie, Tyreese and Karen, if she wouldn’t have been stupid and tried to stab that cop, there would have been Beth and Noah….anyway, you get the point…..keep an eye on that.

I was excited for the Kingdom basically since I saw a preseason trailer with Ezekiel, and I kinda wish that they would stay here for a couple episodes, but there is no time for that. I think next week is about fuckass Daryl, probably not dying, and unless he’s dying, I don’t care. They’ll probably split that with Rick and ’em, and not even Rick, I wanna see how Maggie is doing. Anyway, I think we have everyone that we need to know on board, so the march to the midseason finale of The Walking Dead really begins.

American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare – Chapter 7

Chapter 7 of American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare was the best episode of the season, and for me, it’s a top-five episode in the annals of AHS history. I’m not gon’ go back and give you my top five, because I’m lazy, but rest assured, it’s in there. Let’s go….

-It opens with Sidney and his crew, sitting inside their production trailer and when one is like, yo, where is Diana, Sidney is like, pssssh, we don’t need her…..there is no way in hell she is hacked up somewhere. One goes outside and doesn’t come back, so Sidney goes outside and finds her with her insides hanging out, so what does he do? Not call for an ambulance, he yells at ya man inside to bring the camera. This dude is a Grade-AAAAA1111 asshole, b. But he gets his as Agnes’ crazy ass pops up behind him with a cleaver and guts him, and then chases down the cameraman and gets him, too. I know Sidney has you trained to hold the camera, dogg, but when you see him sprawled out lookin’ like an extra from Alien, sometimes you gotta cut ya losses, throw the camera at Agnes and run faster than her. Then, the best part, where Agnes goes back to her lair with her own camera, because fuck y’all, I’ma make my own show, and she felt bad for the slightest of minutes because the girl she killed was nice to her on set. But then she starts laughing and ranting again, and yeah, this might be Kathy Bates’ best AHS yet. This whole episode is an Emmy scene for her. She is legitimately insane. This is basically a cosplay gone terribly, terribly wrong. Oh, and how could I forget that the power went out, came back on and she was surrounded by those creepy doll figures?

-Back at the house, Fake Lee comes downstairs with her flask and Real Lee is like, yo, it’s 6 AM, dogg, you’re drinking already? Listen, Real Lee, I get it, alcoholism is bad, m’kay. But you have WAY bigger fish to fry right now, like tryna figure out what happened to Rory. Everyone thinks that the blood found in the closet where Rory/Fake Edward Mott was killed by the Killing Sisters is a prank by Sidney, which to be fair, it very well coud have been, but Audrey thinks it’s a cover-up so Rory could go to his screen test with Brad Pitt he was talkin’ about in the last episode. Meanwhile, the Real Shelby/Real Matt/Fake Matt triangle is heating up as Real Matt walks in on the two of them and is like, I don’t even care if you fuck her, just stay outta my way……and you hear a faint “JERRY! JERRY!” chant from the background. Then Fake Matt finds himself to the confessional area and tells us what we all know: that he is there to ruin everyone’s life at Sidney’s behest. Because, ratings. Wonder what the rating system is in hell?

-Shelby is in the bedroom, staring at the camera and notices there is blood on it, and there is Agnes, behind her with a cleaver, and she gets her in the shoulder/neck area. She’s about to deliver the death blow as Fake Matt comes outta nowhere to save Real Shelby, and it takes a bit longer to overpower Agnes, but he does and tends to Real Shelby. But then they notice that Agnes’ body has disappeared. So, everyone meets in the bedroom and Fake Shelby is treating Real Shelby’s wounds because she did play a nurse once. Meanwhile, all the phone lines have been cut and Fake Matt yells into the camera for Sidney to send help, but that ain’t happening and to be real, Sidney wouldn’t send the help anyway. So they split up, with Real and Fake Lee going to get help with Fake Shelby, while Real Shelby stakes with Real and Fake Matt. I think I would have split up the two Matts, but I mean, it REALLY doesn’t matter because everyone is dying. The three women head down to the secret passage to get out, but they run into the Real ghost of Edward Mott, who doesn’t go down from the shots he takes from Real Lee’s gun. Everyone else looked at her sideways when she pulled it out, and I’m like, she’s the realest one here, I don’t care if she is accused of killing her ex-husband. If I’m going back to a house like that, I want her on my side. Anyway, Real Edward Mott screams at ’em and they run back.

-The house crew are inside, talkin’ about their feelings and shit, and I don’t care. Let’s stay with the women, who are outside wandering around in the woods when they’re surrounded by people with torches, which is never good, and they do a terrible job at hiding, like three of ’em behind one tree. Fake Shelby goes through this terrible confession to Fake Edward for when he finds it, but they find him instead as Rory is hanging up in the tree over them, iron-cross style, and like, the blood is dripping on Fake Shelby’s head. I laughed. Way harder than I should have, too. Meanwhile, in the house, more feelings, and Agnes is in her cave, pulling out bullets out of her shoulder with a pair of cauterized pliers. Where did the bullet come from? Well, before they found Fake Edward, the women found the trailer, where Sidney and his crew were laid the fuck out and Agnes rolled up on ’em, so Real Lee shot her. She might be the new favorite for the lone survivor. Maybe.

-Back at the house, shit picks up as Real Matt wakes up in a trance and heads to the basement, and Fake Matt follows him, sees some shit and then goes to wake up Real Shelby. They wander in to find Real Matt givin’ the business to the Witch, aka Scathach, aka Lady Gaga, and Real Shelby starts goin’ HAM, and she ends up beating Real Matt to death after he says that he didn’t come back to the house for her, but for the Witch. So that is, what, three head-bashings we’ve seen this week? But this didn’t shock me, because this is kinda what AHS does. Shouldn’t have shocked people in The Walking Dead, either, but that’s a whole ‘nother thing. AHS watches TWD while eating french fries like, pass the most blood-reddest of ketchup, please. Amateurs. And yo…..where did the Witch go? She didn’t die, did she? Shit was moving pretty quickly at this point.

-Then we get to the real as the trio of women were caught by the torch people, who we find out to be the Real Polk family, which I realized because it wasn’t Frances Conroy. But, one of the Real Polk sons was Finn Wittrock, or so the internet says because I didn’t recognize him. Or maybe I did, but I was so enthralled that this mufuckin’ group of hillbillies have tasers, cigarettes and cocaine…..who…….what? They do mention that the cops don’t even fuck with ’em, which we figured when Fake Lee got dropped off by the cops and they left, but what kinda Charlie Sheen shit is this? They have the women tied up, and they decide that they’re gon’ cut pieces out of Real Lee’s leg, and then feed it to the other women, and they eat it or they’ll die. And they do, and they cry, and it’s kinda hilarious.

-Back at the house, Lily Rabe puts down her Emmy scene as she has no idea what to do after killing Real Matt, and she is damn near hysterical, not being able to breath, tryna figure out how to get outta this until Fake Matt reminds her that there are cameras everywhere. This is easily her best AHS run since Asylum (she was the only reason to watch that season), and she hasn’t been used correctly since then. And y’all know I love me some Sarah Paulson, but yeah, Lily got her this season, I think, just because I really don’t like Fake Shelby as a character. Yellin’ at Real Lee for having a gun…..where the fuck do you think we are? Although her line about not being American and used to this violence was pretty good. Anyway, Lily was beastin’. And shoutout to Cuba Gooding Jr., playing the asshole role to a tee.

-We end with Real Shelby and Fake Matt going to the window and seeing more people with torches, and Agnes….and the Real Butcher, who is none too happy about Agnes runnin’ with her name in these streets. So, Agnes gets the cleaver straight down Forehead Street. So that ends that.

That was a lot of killin’, but my Flora pick is still on the table for the lone survivor, although Real Lee is up there now. I doubt Fake Audrey and Fake Lee get outta this, and if I had to put money on it, Real Shelby and Fake Matt are gettin’ it, too. Again, best episode of the season and I doubt it’ll get any better, but with three episodes left, American Horror Story is right on track to get me excited for the finale, only to be let down…….again.

 

The Walking Dead S07E01 – The Day Will Come When You Won’t Be

I think I write this every single season: The Walking Dead is very good at premieres and finales: it’s in between that usually crosses them up. We’ll worry about all that later (because it WILL happen), but Season 7’s premiere, “The Day Will Come When You Won’t Be” was everything I needed it to be: bloody, brutal and taking out people that we care about. Let’s go……

-Shoutout to Jeffrey Dean Morgan, who plays Negan and tweeted out this picture after the premiere was done. Negan is already the best villain in the history of TWD, no matter what happens. He makes the Governor look like a daycare teacher. A cuddly one, at that. One that would let you have an extra juice box after nap time.

-The episode starts off where it ended last season, with Negan standing over the crew, Lucille in tow, ready to take some batting practice. For the most part, the first segment was Negan threatening Rick, and I missed the first minute or two, but luckily, they didn’t show who it was until the second, when it was revealed that it was……Abe. I knew it. I knew it wouldn’t be anyone that we cared about, and by “we”, I mean, “me”. I don’t care about Abe, he hit some smoove one-liners last season, and no one will ever forget him calling someone a “motherdick”, but am I upset that it was him? Not really. Negan probably decided that he might as well take out the biggest person, that would be my thinking. Some people were like, he could add Abe to his army, but I’m pretty sure Negan is good with the army he has. Anyway, Negan beat the blazes outta that dude, who managed to get out something about his nuts as he was dying, kiss ’em or suck ’em or something. Probably be able to rub some brains on his nuts, that’s how hard Negan was hittin’ him.

-And then Daryl, who I wished it would have been, decided to be a big man and jump up at Negan, I think he even managed to get a punch in. Negan had Lucille in front of Rosita, telling her to look at Abe’s brains as he put it together that they were something, and what did Negan say? If anyone moved, some shit was about to fly. Dogg, he WARNED you. So Negan has to prove that he is a man of his word, and took it out on Glenn’s skull. Now this was slightly upsetting, but it would have been moreso if what happened with Glenn and the dumpster hadn’t happened. I figured he wouldn’t get it because if he got outta that, Glenn was Superman. But Negan ain’t a buncha dumbass zombies that decided, well, we can’t reach him so we’ll move on, and went to town on Glenn’s head. And that’s on Daryl, that’s on y’alls man, your saviour, ol’ non-showerin’ ass. I really wish it would have been him just to see people furious. And he woulda deserved it because this is on him. And I’m prepared to be mad when he survives this. Because he WILL survive this.

-HE DOESN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING.

-Glenn said something to Maggie before Negan hit ’em with the death blow, but I don’t know what he said. Hopefully, it was, “this is Daryl’s fault”. Anyway, RIP to Glenn. Season 1 vet, and last season’s, “I was just supposed to be delivering pizzas” line is up there with Carol’s “Look at the flowers” from Season 4 as my favorites. But I’m happy it happened. TWD was getting complacent. If Game Of Thrones has taught us anything, it’s that anyone can get it at any time, and this was basically TWD’s version of “The Red Wedding”. For a minute, I REALLY thought Rick would get it, too. That’s how frightening Negan is.

-Somewhere in between this, Rick says something about, not today, not tomorrow, blah blah blah, but he’s gon’ kill Negan. And he will, because The Walking Dead (actually, now I believe it will be Maggie). But for now, Negan is in charge and he drags Rick into his camper, where he also has Abe’s axe. He tells Rick to try and get it and kill him, and then surprises him with a machine gun, because Rick really thought Negan was that stupid. Negan takes him out to one of the last traps they ran into in the Season 6 finale, “Last Day On Earth“, the joint where they hung ya man off the overpass. Negan throws his axe outside of the camper and tells Rick to go get it for him, basically to see if he will. And here is where shit REALLY got ridiculous. First, it looks like the place is swarming with zombies, but Negan kills like, two of them as he opens the door and there is a clear path. Okay, fine, whatever. Then Rick fights off a couple, but again, it looks like there are roughly 20,000 walkers around him. Cool. Then Rick runs to the top the camper, but I didn’t see him grab an axe and next thing you know, the axe is beside him. I don’t even think Rick saw the axe when Negan threw it out. Rick is going through a buncha scenarios in which everyone dies if he doesn’t get this axe back to Negan, so…..sorry, I just chuckled remembering this scene because it’s ridiculous, remember ol’ boy that they hung off the overpass? Yeah dogg…..Rick fuckin’ jumped on him and hung there for a minute. But really, this might have been the most realistic part of the scene because dude was freshly dead and turned, so he would have been able to hang there for a minute before falling, as we saw. If it was an older zombie, shit would have just slid off. But Negan is there to shoot away any zombies that were close to Rick, because Negan needs him to alive to go back to Alexandria and tell everyone who the new leader is.

-BUT YO…….am I the only one that noticed that in this whole exchange, it would go to light, and then it would be crazy foggy? Negan said dawn was breaking, but when he threw Rick out of the camper, that shit looked like Silent Hill. Anyway, it was all ridiculous, but it’s The Walking Dead, so it is what it is. This is what I mean when I say, it’s not a well-done show. It’s not. But it’s entertaining.

-They go back to the site, and it’s light out now, officially. Negan doesn’t think Rick gets it, and really, this entire episode was all about Negan planting his flag in Rick’s group and saying, y’all are mine now. So, he gets his people to put guns to Rick’s people, and he brings Carl over to Rick, and he tells Rick that he has to cut Carl’s left arm off. Now, comic people will come out of the woodwork to tell you what this is about, and yes, I know, and we don’t care. Don’t be that person. Anyway, Rick tearfully pleads to Negan to let it be him and Carl is basically telling Rick not to be a bitch, and just do it. Man, you gotta respect Carl at this point. He told Rick to stop being a punk in what, last season, maybe the season before (it was Season 4….look at me fact-checkin’)? Negan even starts a countdown, but he doesn’t get Rick to do it, although it would have been hilarious if he did. He tells Rick that he’ll be by Alexandria next week for his first order of….um, do we even know what he wants from Alexandria? How about EVERYTHING? Let’s go with EVERYTHING.

-Negan and ’em pack up and leave, leaving what is left of that crew to sit there and think about what happened. Maggie is obviously a mess and everyone tries to console her, while Eugene and Sasha go to Rosita over Abe. Maggie keeps saying that she’s going to drag Glenn back to Alexandria and everyone is like, that’s stupid, we’ll take ’em both, Negan is a nice guy and left us a truck. So, I assume they load up the bodies and head back to Alexandria, although the last thing I remember is Maggie standing between two puddles of blood/brain/hair/whatever is left of Glenn and Abe.

-Oh, in my shitting on his existence, I almost forgot to even say what happened to Daryl. They threw his ass in a van and took him somewhere. Hopefully, to inflict pain on him. That’s it. Ol’ loud spaghetti-slurpin’ ass.

-Oh, before I forget, the dinner scene. The dream joint which is narrated by Negan, who is saying to Rick that he thought the group was going to grow old together. I hope they didn’t really think that would happen. For the rest of your life, in that world, you have to be on edge because if it ain’t Negan, it would be someone else. Glenn and Maggie at the head of the table with their son, drinking wine. Well, we have the premise for Season 24: Glenn Jr. hunts down Negan and avenges his death.

-I’m just happy it wasn’t Michonne or Maggie. Those might have been deal-breakers. Probably not, but I would have thought about it.

This was about as far as they could go in the premiere, and I hope that this isn’t the last main character we see go. The Walking Dead is the highest-rated cable show in TV history, and it was resting on its laurels a bit. It was good to see them shake shit up a bit. So next week, I assume we’ll see Carol and Morgan, the burial of Abe and Glenn, Negan making his first trip to Alexandria and hopefully, what I’m waiting for the most this season, the black guy with the dreads and the tiger. WHERE IN THE FUCK DO YOU FIND A TIGER IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE? That’s my man, tho.

Welcome back, The Walking Dead. May you be consistently inconsistent throughout this entire season, and I’ll be here for all of it.

 

American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare – Chapter 6

Aye….so the recaps are back, stuff has been kinda hectic around these parts with moving across the country, and getting used to Atlantic time again. American Horror Story airs at like, 11 PM, so needless to say, I’ll be watching it on Thursday morning. Anyway, Chapter 6 was billed as this big twist that would shake up this season, and it did, giving us the worst fight in the history of AHS. Let’s go…….

-Oh, before I start, I assume if you’re reading this, you’ve seen all the episodes. Two things: it took me at least two episodes to figure out that it was Lady Gaga playing ol’ girl that Matt was having sex with (but not remembering), and I wonder when she’ll be back. Then, the worst part of the first five episodes was when Incest Mom banged Shelby’s ankle with, like, a crowbar or some blunt object. That shit looked like it HURT.

-We learn right off the bat that My Roanoke Nightmare beat out Sunday Night Football, The Walking Dead and Empire in terms of viewers. First, SNF ratings are down this year and this still wouldn’t beat it. It’s definitely not beating The Walking Dead and Empire, maybe, but it’s not even on Sunday night. It comes on Wednesdays, same night as AHS, and y’all ain’t that good, so don’t throw stones. For whatever reason, for all the fuckery that this episode contained, that bothered me the most.

-That was a boost to Sidney, the producer who is played by Cheyenne Jackson, who was Will Drake last year in Hotel. He rolled up on the execs and pitched a new series: take everyone back to the Roanoke house, the real people AND the re-enactment actors, and film them over the blood-moon period, which is when shit was supposed to go crazy there. Sidney even bought the house from Matt and Shelby for cheap, so they have that, and the execs give ’em 13 episodes. But then Sidney’s assistant, Diana tells him that Shelby won’t participate. Geez, I wonder why? I wonder which part she picked to tell Diana that shit wasn’t going down?

-Turns out that the reason is because Shelby and Matt are now separated, and she had a thing with Dominic, Cuba Gooding Jr., who played Fake Matt. Shelby said that she’ll only do it if Dominic isn’t involved because she wants to get back with Matt and Sidney agrees, but yeah, we all know Dominic is gon’ be there. Within five minutes of meeting him, we know that Sidney is a piece of actual feces.

-The crew goes to the house, where Sidney has rigged up a buncha props to scare everyone and Diana is skeptical, to say the least. I’m a Diana fan right off the bat, which means something is gon’ happen to her. Sidney tries to tell her that the plan for all this is to find out who really killed Mason, Lee’s (Matt’s sister) ex-husband, but Diana knows he doesn’t care. Then the crew finds baby pig fetuses in a circle behind a tree and Sidney says that it is the Polks, the incest family, but they haven’t been seen in weeks apparently. That’s when Diana is like, “yo, we need to get the fuck outta here, b” and Sidney is all, “NAH, it’ll be fine”. It sure will be. Baby pig fetuses (fetusi?) in a perfect circle are completely normal. Goddamn, I want him to die so bad.

-Sidney goes to interview Agnes, aka Fake Butcher, played by Kathy Bates. Apparently, she went crazy and was caught swinging machetes at people and was admitted into a hospital, and Sidney serves her with a restraining order, to which she says, “how can I be on the show if I can’t go near anyone?”. Shit was heartbreaking. Sidney is like, “You’re not ON the show”, and Diana is like, “You know that little restraining order ain’t gon’ stop her, right?”. This is as Agnes is yelling at them like the Butcher. Yeah, we’ll see her again, yelling in terrible accents. Just let Ms. Bates talk in her own voice, bruh.

-Next up is Lee, Real Lee, played by Adina Porter. She wants people to know that she didn’t kill Mason as everyone thinks, so they have her back. However, the issue is more with Fake Lee, whose name is Monet and played by Angela Bassett (who also directed this episode). Monet is an actual alcoholic and the production is legally liable if she does anything, but I’m pretty sure Sidney doesn’t really care about rules. If I’m not mistaken, he might have even smiled as he gave the restraining order to Agnes knowing she’s gon’ wild out. That’s good for ratings because….well, that’s a whole societal thing that I could spend 5,000 words on. Anyway, I’ve never seen UnREAL and I’ve heard it’s great, but from what I’ve gathered, it’s about a reality-tv producer drumming up drama. Yeah dogg, that’s Sidney. He is also the girl from the original Blair Witch joint, who keeps wanting to get more footage and more footage and more footage until everyone is dead. Mmmmmmhhhhmmmmmmm.

-At the house, Sidney and Diana are shown a video of a cast member who has a chainsaw, and it looks like he is being forced to cut his own head off by something. Diana is like, “man, we gotta shut shit down”, and Sidney is like, “nah, we’re good”. Diana finally blows up and gets the hell outta dodge (shoutout to Sidney turning to the cameraman and saying, “did you get that?”), and then films her testimony in a dash cam, and that’s when I knew it was about to go down. She sees what looks like a colonist in the middle of the road, which the camera picks up, but when she turns it around, the Piggy Man is behind her and he promptly kills her. It is then revealed that the police found the footage three months later and her body was never found. Oh yeah, we’ll see that again.

-Next up is Audrey, aka Fake Shelby, played by Sarah Paulson and of course, she has a British accent, which is all the rage in television. There are at least two British (or part-British) people on TWD, Andrew Lincoln (Rick) and Lauren Cohen (Maggie). Firing more shots? Ryan Murphy gettin’ bold as shit, although I might have made that last part up. Anyway, she gets interviewed and is interrupted by Rory, who played Edward, the original owner of the house and played by Evan Peters….again, British. I have a love-hate relationship with Evan Peters in this show, but I fucked with him in Hotel and he’s kinda hilarious here. Rory and Audrey are married now, so that’s out, but then he has to go back to Los Angeles for work. Before he leaves, he sees Agnes, dressed as The Butcher, and she Agnes has apparently been stalking Audrey and yells about a Saturn Award, which Audrey got, but Anges felt she deserved. This is what Sarah Paulson should do for all the Emmys she had stolen for her for AHS, but shoutout to her for finally winning for The People Vs. OJ. She’s basically my acting version of Kanye West: she could do literally anything and I’ma stan for that shit with all my might. Hence, the picture on this recap. It has nothing to do with anything. She’s just great. So don’t even bother coming at me. AND NOW SHE’S DOING AN ACCENT, BRUH.

-Audrey wants to leave, but Shelby gets her to stay and then Lee and Matt, the real ones, show up. Matt and Shelby argue, which means Sidney is happy, and he gives them all phones that just have cameras, so they feel isolated and they can film whatever weird shit he sees in there. Audrey, Rory and Monet all think the real Millers are crazy, but Matt tells them that the blood moon is coming up, so get ready to see some shit. Then we learn, and I assume this is what we’ll see over the next few episodes, that everyone died over the next three days that the moon was out, except for one. We don’t know who that one person is yet, and the show that Sidney planned never made it to the air, we’re just seeing the found footage because if you’re gon’ go full-on Blair Witch (which scared the shit outta me when it came out), might as well, right? All I know is that I hope the one person is Sidney, but right now, my money is on Flora, Lee’s kid. She ain’t in this episode, but we’ll see her….unless AHS just throws characters in the bushes, which they’ve been known to do.

-Oh, I think I forgot to mention earlier that Lee was walking through the house, and she felt something, but didn’t see anything: it was a burned-up man, who is Mason, apparently, so that has to be dealt with.

-Finally, Shelby tries to get back with Matt, who is sleeping in the basement and fuck everything about that. Dominic shows up, Matt attacks him and the two proceed to have, hands down, the worst fight in the history of AHS. At one point, one of them rolls on the other and there is a sleeperhold being attempted, and I had to pause it, I was laughing so hard. They’re broken up, Rory comes running out of the hot tub in his drawls as he was tryna get it in with Audrey, who decides it’s time for a shower. Monet argues with Lee that her method acting for her Lee portrayal turned her into an alcoholic, which is a bit of a stretch. Audrey gets outta the shower and she starts to wipe steam off the mirror, and she sees the Piggy Man, of course. She screams, runs downstairs, Rory goes up to investigate and starts cussing out Sidney, but he is stabbed to death by the Jane sisters, the ones who killed their patients to spell out “MURDER” on the wall. Matt finds the “MURDER” and captures it. And that is that.

The first thing I thought after Chapter 5 was like, that shit ended WAY too happily, so everything is about to go south for these people. Turns out everyone dies anyway, so my theory of everyone being ghosts is still kinda on the table. Yeah, this shit should have never left that boardroom where the execs gave Sidney 13 episodes, but money talks as Sidney broke down how much they’d get from ad revenue. And besides, most television shows are based on terrible decision-making. AHS is going for the gusto now and Wiki only has four more episodes listed (shoutout to the AHS Wikia), so try and keep up because it’s about to get wild.