The Walking Dead S07E07 – Sing Me A Song

The Walking Dead has been hot garbage the last few weeks, basically since the second episode of Season 7, but of course, it picks up with “Sing Me A Song”, just in time for next week’s midseason finale because that’s what this show does. Let’s go…..

-We open with Michonne walking down a road, where she finds the pile of burned mattresses, and then she kills two walkers that served as a nice callback to when we first met her, with her walkers on leashes. Meanwhile, Rick and Aaron, aka New Daryl, get out of a truck and see something down the road they’re on. Everyone stays tryna be Daryl on this show. Probably won’t work out for anyone but Daryl.

-A pair of Saviors are shooting the shit, waiting for some walkers to move out of their way, but we find Jesus and Carl in the back of their truck. Jesus jumps out of the truck while it’s moving, but Carl decides to stay because he’s a man and has to do this himself….also, he’s not that bright. Carl has large balls, no doubt, but his plan-making skills leave a lot to be desired.

-They get back to the spot and Carl eventually opens fire with a machine gun, killing one and asking for Negan. He shoots another one before Dwight tackles him, but Negan plays good cop….well, kinda….he offers Carl a hand and a tour, and Carl says no, but Negan says he’ll cut off Daryl’s arm if he doesn’t say yes. So kind of a good cop?

-There is some other stuff that happens in this episode, but really, the best part of the whole thing is Negan generally being a shit. He gets the entire factory to kneel to him and Carl is lookin’ at these people like they’re all pusses, then he takes Carl to meet his wives, like, a bunch of them. But here, Negan is smart because what is the best way you’re gon’ soften up a slightly-teenaged kid…..hell, a grown-ass man as well? That’s right: offer them titties and beer. Rick ain’t offer Carl none of that. If there was one moment in this episode that Carl may have thought, hey, maybe Negan ain’t all that bad, it was right here.

-Then he goes to Sherry, Dwight’s ex, and gets the news that one of his wives, Amber, got one of his men, Mark, to avoid his work and be with her. Here is where Jeffrey Dean Morgan really shines, where he straddles the line between being a cartoon character with how over-the-top he is……but then you get the feeling that he’s gon’ kill everyone in that room, even though he mentioned that he has never laid a hand on any of the women. However, Amber knows that something bad is gon’ come, and poor Mark….he doesn’t even know it yet. Meanwhile, Dwight brings in Daryl with a vegetable tray from Sobeys or some shit.

-Next, Negan gets Carl to show him his eye, or rather, his lack of an eye, and oooooooooh boy…..JDM was on fire here. “That is disgusting” was my favorite part of the rant, and then it’s even better when he apologizes to Carl, who is crying because Negan is really havin’ a time the eye jokes.Actually, that’s a lie, the best part is that Negan tells him, “I wanna touch it” through a hearty chuckle, and if I’m not mistaken, that’s the second time someone on The Walking Dead has wanted to touch it, and I mean…..COME ON. And Negan is kinda sympathetic, but he doesn’t let Carl cover it up because it’s rad. Not only that, he gets Carl to sing him a song, “You Are My Sunshine” because that’s what Lori sang to him, and Carl explains the story of him shooting Lori before he turned. I really get the idea that Negan actually likes Carl, like, might wanna be his Big Brother or some shit, which would be the most perverse Big Brothers pairing ever.

-Let’s take a little break from Negan being a dick to talk about Rick and Aaron, who stumble upon a buncha warning signs from someone telling them that they’ll only find trouble if they go forward, so obviously they have to go forward and besides, they have one day to round up shit before Negan returns, or so they think. Meanwhile, Spencer and Father Bitchass are out scavenging, and FB has really had enough of Spencer’s bitching, calling him a tremendous shit and then gets outta the car to walk back to Alexandria. The best part is that he looked in his eyes the whole time, and you KNOW you’re a punk when Father Bitchass knows you ain’t gon’ do nothing. Then Spencer finds a walker hung up with a bow, he gets it down and finds a note in his pocket in Latin, and this is about to be some ol’ bullshit. I was praying the walker fell on his head.

-Rosita yells at Eugene and calls him a coward for not making her bullet, and while she brings up a lot of great points, fuck her because her plan is fucking terrible and could get a lot more people killed. She’s basically risking everyone else’s lives for Abe, who moved on to the next girl right in front of your face. And is Rosita even a good shot? Goddammit, these people make some awful, awful plans.

-Dwight and Sherry are back to smoking, and she regrets their deal with Negan, but such is life. I think she might be at the top of the “Who will double-cross Negan” Power Rankings. It would be Sherry, with Dwight closely behind, Daryl doesn’t count because he’s just broken and I think he even threatens Negan in this episode because he still ain’t learned. Anyway, Fat Joey is third on the list because they fat-shame him all the time. And Sherry is definitely #1 on the list because Daryl gets a note with a key on the back in his cell, and it says, “GO NOW”. She did that shit.

-But OH, speaking of fat-shaming, that’s nothing. Carl says some shit about Negan is afraid to kill him because he already would have, so Negan and ’em roll out (with Jesus on top of the truck because the Saviors are just terrible at noticing anything happening with their vehicles) and head to Alexandria. Negan meets Olivia, who says that they’re running low on supplies and that they’re practically starving. Negan starts laughing because, well, let’s just say Olivia doesn’t look like she’s starving, then as she is crying, tries to have sex with her, to which she slaps him and leaves. Yeah man, Negan ain’t here for your feelings. Your feelings are there to amuse him. His performance alone makes this the best episode of the season.

-Then he finds Judith, and the episode actually ends with Negan, sitting on Rick’s porch, holding his (well, Shane’s) baby, contemplating killing Rick and Carl and taking over their house and chatting with the neighbors. Mental warfare is Negan’s game, although we’ve seen that he’s pretty solid at the physical game as well.

-And no, I didn’t forget that he ironed Mark’s face like a dress shirt. Like Amber said, she knows he’s an asshole and it wouldn’t end well for anyone. Mark passed out and pissed himself and everything, and Negan got Daryl to clean it up. But hey, rules are rules are rules.

-Some other stuff was happening in this episode, starting with Michonne, who set up a trap for one of the Saviors driving down the street. After a brief scuffle, Michonne orders the woman to take her to Negan. Now, I have slightly more confidence in her Negan plan over Carl’s or Rosita’s, but not a whole lot. After all these go wrong, I want Negan to sit down and evaluate these plans on a grading scale. I’m sure he’d have all sorts of quips. Rick and Aaron find a houseboat that is surrounded by walkers, so someone has to be out there. And Rosita, Eugene and Spencer get back to Alexandria, where they find Negan and ’em. Spencer’s Latin knowledge tells him that letter reveals a buncha supplies and guns because why the fuck wouldn’t it. If they make either him, or Father Bitchass, pull off some Carol-type shit to save everyone, I’ma throw my hands up so damn fast.

Anyway, this was the best episode of the season for me, which doesn’t say a whole lot because I’ve thought most of this season was a steaming pile of zombie skin. But I think it’s safe to say JDM is the MVP of Season 7 regardless of what happens. Next week’s finale is slated to be almost 90 minutes, their sixth extended episode of the season because AMC is getting all the commercial money (and good on ’em). Whose plan is gon’ blow up in their faces first? Who will die? Someone gotta die, I would think, and the Dwight/Sherry double-cross plan will probably start to take shape. And where the fuck is King Zeke and the tiger?

I hope Daryl dies. I REALLY hope he does.

 

 

 

 

The Walking Dead S07E03 – The Cell

The Walking Dead “Hey, what’s happenin’ over here” tour continues with “The Cell” as we head to the Sanctuary, also known as Negan’s place. But of course, the focus is Daryl, which is awesome. It’s not. Let’s go…….

-Again, I missed the beginning up to the credits, which will likely be a theme throughout the season. But from what I gathered (again, shoutout to The Walking Dead Wikia), Dwight is the center of attention as Negan’s right-hand man, cuttin’ in line and taking way more bread than everyone else, while some guy gets beaten to death by a bunch of Saviors as he was short on payment for whatever he wanted to eat, then took his shirt off and threw it down. They obviously took that as disrespect; seems like something they would do.

-Speaking of being an asshole, Dwight goes through the dead man’s place and takes his stuff, with the man’s pregnant wife and kid watching because fuck it, why not, they don’t need pickles or mustard anyway. Also in this sequence, we see Dwight with some other Saviors and when Negan passes them, they kneel to him. Negan has a bit of a God complex, it seems, and that becomes ever so evident throughout the episode. I can’t wait to see how this all came about, although they hint at it a little bit in this episode. Dwight then puts some dog food on some bread and takes it to a cell, where naked Daryl is chillin’, They basically do this a couple more times, where Dwight brings shitty sandwiches and Daryl has to eat them, then he locks the cell. All the while, this song is playing to torture Daryl and it’s called “Easy Street” by the Collapsible Hearts Club. I can see why it would be used for torture. It began to hurt every time they played it, so I guess it worked for the show. Between shitty sandwiches and that song, I wouldn’t last a week in there.

-Next, Dwight takes a clothed Daryl to see this doctor, Dr. Carson, apparently, because he has a messed-up shoulder, which is probably the least of his worries right now. Sherry is in there, and who is Sherry, you ask? Well, so did I. She was in the episode where we met Dwight, “Always Accountable”, which I’d love to link you to, but I didn’t do a recap on it, apparently. I vaguely remember it, it was Sherry, Dwight and some other girl, and they jacked Daryl for his supplies…..I remember it more for Abe tryna shoot his shot with Sasha for the first time, and smoking a cigar on top of a Hummer or a tank or something. So hey, I guess Abe wasn’t useless. Anyway, Sherry is in the office and tells Daryl to do what he is told, and Dwight doesn’t want her talking to him. She also has a pregnancy test, which she says is negative, and Dwight is all, “better luck next time”. What is this, pregnancy roulette? And who is tryna get pregnant in the zombie apocalypse? I don’t think it’s her idea, if I had to guess, but it seems like a really bad one, to say the least. There are all sorts of methods…..you know what, I’ll stop there. But y’all know where I was going with that.

-Dwight stops to talk to Negan while he is guarded by this Savior named Fat Joey, not the rapper, who doesn’t go by Joey and apparently, he is also not fat anymore. Dwight then takes Daryl out to show him the walker fence, which has a new addition as the man from the food line is being secured to said fence, which is the first line of defense against intruders and let’s be real, it’s there because Negan is an asshole. Dwight tells Daryl that he can either work for Negan or work in the yard, securing walkers, and Daryl is being Daryl, saying that he would never kneel to Negan. Dwight says that he said that as well, and then takes Daryl back to his cell. Daryl proceeds to try and pick the lock and relentessly kick the door, and that’s the best part of the episode for me. He was tryna get out and he couldn’t. That was good. I had a little bit of hope for a minute that he wouldn’t make it outta there. Damn, I’ma be SO MAD when he gets out.

-Negan and Dwight are talkin’ again, with Negan asking Dwight how the breaking of Daryl is going and he says, it’s fine, slow, but fine. Negan wants to reward with a night with one of his wives, because Negan has multiple wives, because of course he does. It would be a waste to be a dictator without multiple wives, I assume, although I would think that would take away from his dictator time….it’s a complicated setup. Anyway, Dwight says no and Negan starts to get mad, making jokes about Dwight’s dick because, and this I remember, Eugene bit it in “Twice As Far“, the 14th episode of last season. The same joint where Denise caught the arrow in the eye and Eugene was like, NOAP, not doing that, so he bit Dwight in the penis because you gotta do what you gotta do. Anyway, Negan acted like he cared about Dwight’s well-being, but he doesn’t and Dwight knew that, but he’s like, nah, I’m good, and besides, I wanna torture Daryl because Negan wants him to pass it off to someone else, say, Fat Joey, because he’s fat and needs exercise, says Negan. I’m not sure if they know about Daryl, but hand to hand, I’ll give him that, he would give Fat Joey that work. Dwight also leaves because there was a radio call about a runaway worker, which now makes sense because I couldn’t make out what they were saying.

-Shoutout to @Starr_Rocque on Twitter who said, “The ironic thing about Negan is as sociopathic as he is, he’s anti-rape”. He did say to Dwight that he could have whichever wife he wanted, as long as they said yes. Again, Negan is a complicated man.

-Doesn’t even matter because this probably won’t get to that point. Fat Joey is watching the cell and gives Daryl a sandwich, but doesn’t lock the cell, which is why they were so intent on making you hear that door lock. Daryl sneaks out and creeps around the hallways, while Dwight is out looking for the runaway worker on Daryl’s motorcycle, and I kinda wanna call him “Bootleg Daryl” now. He also reminds me of Rat from Sons Of Anarchy to the point that I had to see if it was the same dude (it’s not). He has to get off the bike to navigate his way through a walker obstacle course, which should be on the next season of Survivor, and then a walker falls from an overpass, apparently, because that shit came outta nowhere. There is a struggle and Dwight wins, obviously. Another thing I can’t wait for? The episode this season where the zombies win and feast. There are usually 1-2 per season, because we all know major/quasi-major characters aren’t dying when this shit happens. Dwight is major enough now that he ain’t dying via zombie.

-Meanwhile, Daryl is creepin’ along, tryna find a way out and Sherry catches up to him, and tells him to go back because when he gets caught, it’ll be worse. I think Negan needs to give her a job at tracking and finding people, and not being a human incubator. Daryl being Daryl is like, NAH, and sneaks outside where he sees a buncha motorcycles and is like, hey, I’m free….and then he is surrounded by Saviors. Negan walks up with Lucille and and says, “are we pissing our pants yet?”. He tells Daryl his options: working for Negan and basically living the life, working for points, which means out in the yard, or dying. He doesn’t say anything, which I would take for picking death, but Negan is cool about it, swinging Lucille at him, but stopping short of hitting him, which amuses Negan because Daryl doesn’t flinch. See, everyone knows that ain’t happening. Anyway, Negan walks away and the Saviors jump Daryl, which I wanted to see more of.

-In his cell, Sherry tells Daryl that she is sorry for jumping him in the woods and taking his shit. Daryl’s like, man, unless you’re tryna help, go play somewhere. She was tryna maybe make him feel better. It didn’t work.

-Dwight saves the runaway worker, named Gordon, from a walker, and Gordon was one of the Saviors that kneeled to Negan at the beginning of the episode. Dwight points a gun at Gordon and tries to walk him back to the Sanctuary, and Gordon is like, man, fuck it, kill me, why do we let one guy with a bat walk in and run our lives, which is a fair question. I wonder if Negan just showed up with Lucille and a couple homies and was like, this is my shit now….that’s what it sounds like. Dwight counters that he’ll put everyone he loves on the wall, which gets Gordon going, and while it seems like Dwight is catchin’ what Gordon is saying, he shoots him anyway. He gets back to the Sanctuary, where Sherry meets him for a smoke, and Dwight asks, “is he good to you”, meaning Negan, and then when she says yes, Dwight says that they did the right thing and it is better than being dead. So that’s it…..Sherry was Dwight’s wife and Negan snatched that. Oh yeah, Dwight will have a hand in Negan’s downfall, or he’ll die trying, which is more likely.

-Dwight goes to give Daryl food, but he doesn’t want it, so Dwight puts a picture on the wall of the cell, and I don’t even have to guess what it is….it’s a picture of dead Glenn and while Daryl a long time to cry, he gets it out eventually. I have a feeling this has happened before, I wanna say last season, and he was leaning against a tree or something. He cries. I smiled. It was good.

-Oh, this week on Fear The Walking Dead: Passage, the two women decide that they’re going to Mexico via tunnel and in this election season, I’m not even gon’ touch that one.

-Dwight takes Daryl to an apartment, and Negan tells the story of how Dwight became his main man: Dwight, Sherry and her sister, Tina, worked for points, which she used for diabetic medication, but she came up short, so Negan was like, marry me, because romance isn’t dead in TWD’s world. The three of them stole some medicine and ran, which is when they first met Daryl, but Tina ended up getting eating by zombies and they had to go back. Dwight asked for forgiveness and Negan did it, but he took Sherry (she offered) and burned Dwight’s face with an iron. His idea of forgiveness kinda sucks. Anyway, the plan is for Daryl to live here because Negan likes him, but he asks who Daryl is and after a long pause and Negan asking one more time, he says his own name and not Negan. Good for him.

-Back to the cell for him, and Dwight is yelling at him for not wanting to get better at life, and Daryl says some shit about understanding why Dwight did it, it was for someone else, which is why Daryl can’t do it, or some other fake-deep shit. So who is it? Is it Glenn? Is it Beth? Is it Maggie? Because she owes him a fucking BEATDOWN when they see each other again. Like, a good year’s worth of kicking his ass every single day. The episode ends with Dwight looking at the fence and there is a new walker….it’s Gordon.

I knew that going into this episode, it would be a Daryl episode, and forgive me for not liking it…I just don’t like that dude and I’m not here for feeling sympathetic towards him. The Dwight stuff, I did like because he was just doing what he had to do, and yeah, he gotta try and get at Negan at some point before he dies, which will be how he dies, I take it. But we also need to find out more about how Negan got to the Sanctuary, which I think we will (no comic stuff, please). Next week, we’re back at Alexandria as Negan goes to pick up an order, and I saw Michonne with a machine gun, so that’s promising. Don’t do anything stupid, missus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Walking Dead S07E01 – The Day Will Come When You Won’t Be

I think I write this every single season: The Walking Dead is very good at premieres and finales: it’s in between that usually crosses them up. We’ll worry about all that later (because it WILL happen), but Season 7’s premiere, “The Day Will Come When You Won’t Be” was everything I needed it to be: bloody, brutal and taking out people that we care about. Let’s go……

-Shoutout to Jeffrey Dean Morgan, who plays Negan and tweeted out this picture after the premiere was done. Negan is already the best villain in the history of TWD, no matter what happens. He makes the Governor look like a daycare teacher. A cuddly one, at that. One that would let you have an extra juice box after nap time.

-The episode starts off where it ended last season, with Negan standing over the crew, Lucille in tow, ready to take some batting practice. For the most part, the first segment was Negan threatening Rick, and I missed the first minute or two, but luckily, they didn’t show who it was until the second, when it was revealed that it was……Abe. I knew it. I knew it wouldn’t be anyone that we cared about, and by “we”, I mean, “me”. I don’t care about Abe, he hit some smoove one-liners last season, and no one will ever forget him calling someone a “motherdick”, but am I upset that it was him? Not really. Negan probably decided that he might as well take out the biggest person, that would be my thinking. Some people were like, he could add Abe to his army, but I’m pretty sure Negan is good with the army he has. Anyway, Negan beat the blazes outta that dude, who managed to get out something about his nuts as he was dying, kiss ’em or suck ’em or something. Probably be able to rub some brains on his nuts, that’s how hard Negan was hittin’ him.

-And then Daryl, who I wished it would have been, decided to be a big man and jump up at Negan, I think he even managed to get a punch in. Negan had Lucille in front of Rosita, telling her to look at Abe’s brains as he put it together that they were something, and what did Negan say? If anyone moved, some shit was about to fly. Dogg, he WARNED you. So Negan has to prove that he is a man of his word, and took it out on Glenn’s skull. Now this was slightly upsetting, but it would have been moreso if what happened with Glenn and the dumpster hadn’t happened. I figured he wouldn’t get it because if he got outta that, Glenn was Superman. But Negan ain’t a buncha dumbass zombies that decided, well, we can’t reach him so we’ll move on, and went to town on Glenn’s head. And that’s on Daryl, that’s on y’alls man, your saviour, ol’ non-showerin’ ass. I really wish it would have been him just to see people furious. And he woulda deserved it because this is on him. And I’m prepared to be mad when he survives this. Because he WILL survive this.

-HE DOESN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING.

-Glenn said something to Maggie before Negan hit ’em with the death blow, but I don’t know what he said. Hopefully, it was, “this is Daryl’s fault”. Anyway, RIP to Glenn. Season 1 vet, and last season’s, “I was just supposed to be delivering pizzas” line is up there with Carol’s “Look at the flowers” from Season 4 as my favorites. But I’m happy it happened. TWD was getting complacent. If Game Of Thrones has taught us anything, it’s that anyone can get it at any time, and this was basically TWD’s version of “The Red Wedding”. For a minute, I REALLY thought Rick would get it, too. That’s how frightening Negan is.

-Somewhere in between this, Rick says something about, not today, not tomorrow, blah blah blah, but he’s gon’ kill Negan. And he will, because The Walking Dead (actually, now I believe it will be Maggie). But for now, Negan is in charge and he drags Rick into his camper, where he also has Abe’s axe. He tells Rick to try and get it and kill him, and then surprises him with a machine gun, because Rick really thought Negan was that stupid. Negan takes him out to one of the last traps they ran into in the Season 6 finale, “Last Day On Earth“, the joint where they hung ya man off the overpass. Negan throws his axe outside of the camper and tells Rick to go get it for him, basically to see if he will. And here is where shit REALLY got ridiculous. First, it looks like the place is swarming with zombies, but Negan kills like, two of them as he opens the door and there is a clear path. Okay, fine, whatever. Then Rick fights off a couple, but again, it looks like there are roughly 20,000 walkers around him. Cool. Then Rick runs to the top the camper, but I didn’t see him grab an axe and next thing you know, the axe is beside him. I don’t even think Rick saw the axe when Negan threw it out. Rick is going through a buncha scenarios in which everyone dies if he doesn’t get this axe back to Negan, so…..sorry, I just chuckled remembering this scene because it’s ridiculous, remember ol’ boy that they hung off the overpass? Yeah dogg…..Rick fuckin’ jumped on him and hung there for a minute. But really, this might have been the most realistic part of the scene because dude was freshly dead and turned, so he would have been able to hang there for a minute before falling, as we saw. If it was an older zombie, shit would have just slid off. But Negan is there to shoot away any zombies that were close to Rick, because Negan needs him to alive to go back to Alexandria and tell everyone who the new leader is.

-BUT YO…….am I the only one that noticed that in this whole exchange, it would go to light, and then it would be crazy foggy? Negan said dawn was breaking, but when he threw Rick out of the camper, that shit looked like Silent Hill. Anyway, it was all ridiculous, but it’s The Walking Dead, so it is what it is. This is what I mean when I say, it’s not a well-done show. It’s not. But it’s entertaining.

-They go back to the site, and it’s light out now, officially. Negan doesn’t think Rick gets it, and really, this entire episode was all about Negan planting his flag in Rick’s group and saying, y’all are mine now. So, he gets his people to put guns to Rick’s people, and he brings Carl over to Rick, and he tells Rick that he has to cut Carl’s left arm off. Now, comic people will come out of the woodwork to tell you what this is about, and yes, I know, and we don’t care. Don’t be that person. Anyway, Rick tearfully pleads to Negan to let it be him and Carl is basically telling Rick not to be a bitch, and just do it. Man, you gotta respect Carl at this point. He told Rick to stop being a punk in what, last season, maybe the season before (it was Season 4….look at me fact-checkin’)? Negan even starts a countdown, but he doesn’t get Rick to do it, although it would have been hilarious if he did. He tells Rick that he’ll be by Alexandria next week for his first order of….um, do we even know what he wants from Alexandria? How about EVERYTHING? Let’s go with EVERYTHING.

-Negan and ’em pack up and leave, leaving what is left of that crew to sit there and think about what happened. Maggie is obviously a mess and everyone tries to console her, while Eugene and Sasha go to Rosita over Abe. Maggie keeps saying that she’s going to drag Glenn back to Alexandria and everyone is like, that’s stupid, we’ll take ’em both, Negan is a nice guy and left us a truck. So, I assume they load up the bodies and head back to Alexandria, although the last thing I remember is Maggie standing between two puddles of blood/brain/hair/whatever is left of Glenn and Abe.

-Oh, in my shitting on his existence, I almost forgot to even say what happened to Daryl. They threw his ass in a van and took him somewhere. Hopefully, to inflict pain on him. That’s it. Ol’ loud spaghetti-slurpin’ ass.

-Oh, before I forget, the dinner scene. The dream joint which is narrated by Negan, who is saying to Rick that he thought the group was going to grow old together. I hope they didn’t really think that would happen. For the rest of your life, in that world, you have to be on edge because if it ain’t Negan, it would be someone else. Glenn and Maggie at the head of the table with their son, drinking wine. Well, we have the premise for Season 24: Glenn Jr. hunts down Negan and avenges his death.

-I’m just happy it wasn’t Michonne or Maggie. Those might have been deal-breakers. Probably not, but I would have thought about it.

This was about as far as they could go in the premiere, and I hope that this isn’t the last main character we see go. The Walking Dead is the highest-rated cable show in TV history, and it was resting on its laurels a bit. It was good to see them shake shit up a bit. So next week, I assume we’ll see Carol and Morgan, the burial of Abe and Glenn, Negan making his first trip to Alexandria and hopefully, what I’m waiting for the most this season, the black guy with the dreads and the tiger. WHERE IN THE FUCK DO YOU FIND A TIGER IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE? That’s my man, tho.

Welcome back, The Walking Dead. May you be consistently inconsistent throughout this entire season, and I’ll be here for all of it.

 

The Walking Dead S06E14 – Twice As Far

The Walking Dead are taking their sweet time rolling out this Negan storyline, but it seems as though things are coming to a head with “Twice As Far”, which featured a couple of characters teaching you the age-old adage of “stay in your lane”. Let’s go….

-We start with the open, where everyone is walking around Alexandria like things are all good. Olivia is in the pantry, which is full of stuff now. Father Bitchass is walking around with a gun, Eugene is taking turns watching out and while it’s nice that these two want to play a bigger role….do you want them playing security guard for your family? Anyway, more on that later. Morgan is gettin’ his Donatello on as he practices by himself, Carol is smoking and playing with the rosary beads she found last week, and Morgan is also putting the finishes touches on the jail cell he was starting a few weeks ago. He tells Rick that the jail cell is so that he’ll have a choice next time, instead of just killing someone. This dude just doesn’t get it.

-We run through the same sequence, except there is a scene where Tobin kisses Carol as she is smoking and playing with the beads again. So I guess that is officially a thing now between Tobin and Carol, and where the hell is she getting all these cigarettes? Same place they’re getting gas for all this driving, I guess. We see Rosita getting dressed after sleeping with Spencer; way to get back on the horse, girl. Abe wasn’t shit, anyway.

-Daryl is going through his things on his motorcycle bag when Carol approaches him, just handing out cigarettes like she’s the smoke fairy. Carol asks Daryl if he saved the people in the forest, and Daryl says he should have killed him. Seeing Carol lose the Killa in her makes me so sad. Even Daryl notices because he asks Carol what the people in the slaughterhouse did to her and Maggie, and Carol says they didn’t do anything. I’m taking that as, they didn’t do anything, but this group, they’re the ones that made Carol like this, and they’re the ones that are driving her away.

-Denise watches Abe and Eugene leave Alexandria, and then she focuses on a walker that is caught on a spike, just staring it down. It was here that I figured she would do something stupid during this episode. Then we switch to Spencer and Rosita, and he asks the ol’ “what are we doing” question, and she doesn’t wanna say, dude you were just a piece….so she agrees to have dinner with him. Relationships in the zombie apocalypse? Ehhhhhhhhhhh……I’m not fond of them, but I guess. Maggie and Glenn worked, so far anyway. Just be a rebound, bruh.

-Denise tells Rosita and Daryl about an apothecary that should have some drugs, and she wants to retrieve them, but she obviously needs the two of them to go with her. She says she’ll go with or without them, which is definitely pointing towards her doing something stupid. She wouldn’t get half a mile outside the walls without dying. So the three of them hop in a truck and start the journey, then they stop for a minute. Daryl and Rosita check the place out, Rosita grabs some booze from a walker and Denise sits in the truck by herself. She is looking at Rosita, wondering how in the hell she can get up to kill a walker, and you can see where this story is going. Rosita wants to take some tracks to get to the apothecary, while Daryl wants to take the road; Rosita’s way is a shortcut, but Denise goes with Daryl.

-Eugene and Abe are walking down an alley, and Eugene has a ponytail now, because that’s better than a mullet? Sure. Abe says he has been taking more guard shifts, hollerin’ at the ladies….basically, what’s up, bruh? And Abe is like, I’m a survivor, and Eugene is like, yeah, okay dogg….we’ll see when the rubber hits the road.

-Rosita is waiting for Daryl and Denise, who apologizes to Rosita about going with Daryl, and wonders how she learned how to use weapons. Rosita is adamant that it wasn’t Abe, and she’s mad, but Denise is oblivious. They get to the apothecary and open it up, but look at all the handprints on the outside….that shit is creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy.

-Eugene and Abe are inside a machine shop of some sort, and Eugene wants to figure out how to make things like more bullets here. Then a walker comes around the corner, but its head was dipped in liquid metal or something, so when Eugene tries to stab it, it won’t go through. He struggles with the thing for a minute before Abe steps in and kills it, and Eugene goes off on Abe, talkin’ about he would have killed it and your services are no longer required. BRUH……I was so mad. Eugene is lucky he is still alive….you lied to us, got a buncha people killed, you’re not a damn scientist, we’ve had to save you a whole slew of times and you got the fuckin’ nerve to holler in my face? Abe should have left him right there when he told the group he wasn’t a scientist. What a fuckboy. Abe was like, find your own way home, bitch, and peaced out.

–Fear The Walking Dead: Flight 462…..this is becoming the best part of The Walking Dead.

-The trio is going through the apothecary and Denise finds a keychain that says Dennis, which we eventually learn was her twin brother. They also find all the drugs and Daryl is like, we’re takin’ all this shit….. ALL OF IT. Denise notices a room and she’s like, okay, I can do this, and I’m like, BITCH STAY THE FUCK AWAY. It’s basically the creepiest room of the whole place, with a super-old walker on the ground, a crib, the words “HUSH HUSH HUSH” written on the wall and a shoe in a sink of blood, so we can assume that a baby was in there. All that was left was for the room to whisper “GET OUT”. Denise peaced out with the quickness. Again….stay in your lane.

-Denise is crying outside and the other two don’t say anything about it. Daryl even says she did good to find the apothecary, and he doesn’t do that very often. They decide to take Rosita’s way back to the truck, while Daryl and Denise talk about having shitty brothers. I keep forgetting about what a dickbag Merle was. Tried to get my man T-Dogg killed.

-So, here we go: they’re walking down the tracks and Denise sees a car with a cooler in it, but the car also has a walker in there. But Denise really needs a fucking soda and even though they tell her not to try it, she wants to puff her chest out and be stupid. Of course, there is a struggle, and eventually Denise kills the walker, and gets her soda. She goes on about some rant about this being more than a soda, she wanted to go with Daryl because he makes her feel safe like her brother did, and she wants to help Rosita deal with being alone, and motherfucker, no one asked you to do any of this. She’s standing there, yelling and being all loud, and then BAM……she catches an arrow through the eyeball, which might have been avoided if she didn’t stop for a damn soda. So fuckin’ pressed.

-The Savior that stole Daryl’s bike, Dwight, comes out of the woods with his group as well as Eugene, who of course has been caught because he isn’t that good at this sot of thing. They have a standoff and Dwight tells Daryl and Rosita that they’re going to take everyone to Alexandria, or Eugene dies, at which point I’d be like, well, tough shit, bruh. But Eugene sees Abe behind a barrel and when Dwight tells someone to go check it out, Eugene bites him on the dick for like……I don’t know, longer than a bite should go. The shootout starts and Eugene gets hit, but our group wins and gets the hell outta dodge, carrying Eugene along the way because he got shot with a mouth full of dick. They walk by Denise’s body like, yo…..over a GD soda?

-Everyone is back at Alexandria, and Eugene is going to be fine, and Abe is like, cool….lemme tries something. He ends up at Sasha’s house and she’s like, fine, come on in, and if Abe works this out, dammit, there is a threesome there for him. So many failed threesomes in this show. Carol and Daryl bury Denise, so I assume they went back out to get her, and Carol tells Daryl that he was right about letting the Saviors live….had he killed Dwight, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Carol is down in the dumps, and we see Tobin reading a letter that says she is leaving Alexandria, because “I love you all here, I do, and I’d have to kill for you. And I can’t. I won’t”, so she doesn’t wanna be a Killa anymore? Another day passes, much like the opening the episode with Rosita taking Eugene’s spot as the guard, and Sasha looks like her like, oooooooh, I’m fuckin’ ya man. And Morgan looks at Carol’ empty swing. Motherfucker, YOU did that.

What an infuriating episode this was. Listen, I get that people need to defend themselves, but Denise went out of her way and put others in danger, and ended up dying because of it. Eugene needs to stick his chest back in a little and realize why the fuck he is still living. And now someone is going to have to go and look for Carol….I’m assuming Daryl, and that might lead them to Negan, because I think he has eyes on Alexandria right now. Not the best episode of The Walking Dead, not the worst. It kind of encapsulates the second half of this season.

 

 

The Walking Dead S06E11 – Knots Untie

The Walking Dead rolls on with “Knots Untie”, which introduces more new people since a whole slew of mufuckas were wiped out over the first two episodes. How long will it take until these new people show that they have to die? Not long. Let’s go….

-Abe is tryna have small talk with Sasha, who he has been flirting with for a while now, but Sasha tells him that she is switching gigs with Eugene. Abe is trying so hard to not act hurt, but she threw him in that friend zone so quick. And she’s probably like, “bruh, we all know you’re fuckin’ Rosita”, and the last thing that group needs is some Jerry Springer shit. Might be the best decision anyone makes all season.Speaking of, the next scene is him in bed with Rosita, as he thinks about Sasha, being a dirtbag.

-We get our first scene with Maggie and Glenn since they’ve been reunited, and they talk about the lack of crops they’re getting. But then they see Abe and Denise running to the basement where the homie Jesus was, so they follow. Jesus is chillin’ in the living room and Carl puts the gun to his head, but Rick and Michonne tell everyone that it’s okay. Meanwhile, I think a couple people are more like, sooooooooo……..what y’all doin’ tho?

-Jesus explains that he has a group that has food and stuff, and he was sent out to find groups to trade with. So he has obviously been spying on them, but no one presses him on it. Then they agree to go to the Hilltop, where he is from, which has bad news written all over it.

-They get ready to leave and Rick tries to explain to Carl about Michonne, but Carl is like, nah, it’s cool, dogg, do your thing. And Carl loves Michonne at this point. Obviously, it’s not his mom, but he hasn’t even said Lori’s name in a couple seasons. Fair enough, because she was terrible.

-A group of Rick, Michonne, Glenn, Maggie and Abraham head to the Hilltop with Jesus, and Abe asks Glenn about he and Maggie bringing a child into this world. It’s a good point, but Glenn says they’re building something at Alexandria. And another point: should pregnant Maggie be on this trip? Back to that in a bit.

-They see an overturned car on the road, which Jesus recognizes as being from his place, so they investigate it because why not. Daryl tracks them to a building, leaving Jesus with Maggie, which seems like another terrible idea, but she has a gun and Maggie will shoot you in the face. They found the group in the building, killing a couple walkers along the way, and they realize that one is also an obstetrician, which is great for Maggie and Glenn, and worries the shit outta me. One of the survivors tells Jesus that he was his dead wife when he thought he was going to die, which strikes a nerve with Abe because of his past. He’s going to snap and get someone killed, probably himself, but definitely someone else.

-They get to the Hilltop, which is guarded by a couple of dudes with spears, and it’s a good thing they weren’t black or else this recap would have been 2,000 words of fire. But they weren’t, and they want Rick and ’em to lower the guns, and Rick is like, man, WE GOT GUNS AND Y’ALL GOT FUCKIN’ SPEARS. Jesus calms everyone down and Rick and ’em get to keep their guns, and that they ran out of ammo months ago. This keeps getting more fishy, bruh. But they got a mansion that used to be a museum as well as crops, so Rick and ’em are like, well, we’re here.

-They meet Gregory, the leader, who wants everyone to clean up before they sit on anything, which is fair, but Rick’s group don’t even look that dirty outside of Daryl, and that’s just his thing at this point. Rick wants Maggie to talk to Gregory, which is why she is here: because of her work with Deanna. Rick hopes she picked up some skills on how to talk to mufuckas. But she tries that and Gregory is a douche, telling her that he knows they don’t have much food, that they’ll only help if the Alexandria people work at the Hilltop, and then proceeds to either hit on Maggie, or basically tell her that she’s about to be a sex slave or something (not in so many words, but that’s what I got out of it). Maggie is like, y’all ain’t got ammo or medication, and we can do this easy, and Gregory is like, NOAP. Man, after all Maggie has been through? He has no idea who he is messing with. After her run-in with The Governor, Maggie doesn’t scare easily. And this felt kinda Governor-y.

-Everyone else is outside and a group returns to the Hilltop from a meeting with Negan, who has killed two of them and they’re holding a third. There was also a message from Negan, delivered by someone named Ethan, who stabbed Negan in the stomach and a fight ensues. Rick ends up killing Ethan, while Daryl saves Abe from being choked out, although he didn’t put up much of a fight. Rick gets up with blood on his face like, THE FUCK Y’ALL WANNA DO, and Jesus is like, they’re good, Ethan started it, but some girl punches Rick and you know Michonne ain’t here for that at all. She pushed that girl to the ground like she wasn’t anything. Rick got him a down-ass chick that can fight now….which will suck that much more when she dies.

-Goddamn, that was good. Rick seriously looked at them like, you think this is the first time I’ve had a mufucka’s blood on my face and my mouth? This ain’t even zombie blood. Fuck outta here with that. Daryl in the background like, y’all don’t wanna fuck with him.

-Meanwhile, Abe leaves a necklace that Rosita gave him on the ground, right there, and he’s about to bring so much fuckass drama to this spot. And no one cares, b.

-Jesus tells the group about Negan, who runs The Saviors, and the deal was that they wouldn’t attack the Hilltop in exchange for half of what they had, on some Eddie Murphy in Raw shit. Rick is like, yo, how about we kill Negan and ’em, in exchange for what you got, and Jesus says he’ll take that to Gregory. Yo, these Hilltop people gotta be working with the Saviors. They can’t be outchea gettin’ got by EVERYBODY, can they?

-Gregory tells Maggie that he agrees to the deal, but Maggie is like, nah, HALF, EDDIE (just watch the clip). He agrees to that because like she said, the Saviors will keep coming for more until they have everything, then they’ll just kill everyone at the Hilltop anyway. Maggie had this in her long before Deanna.

-They leave the Hilltop, and Rick is briefed on Negan’s compound, while Maggie and Glenn get an ultrasound from that doctor (Harlan), and they show the group the picture of their unborn child. What in the hell are they setting us up for?

A solid episode, I’d say, and it made sense for the most part (it wouldn’t be a TWD episode if there weren’t a couple stupid things, but nothing awful). We learn a little more about Negan and how ain’t-shit he is, so they’re setting that up for the last few episodes of the season. They’re focusing on Abe a little more, which makes him rise up the TWD Death Power Rankings. I also don’t completely trust the Hilltop people, because that Ethan guy stabbed Gregory a little too easily. In cahoots with Negan, and everyone has been watching Alexandria, concocting this plan? We’ll see. The next episode looks like everyone is Rambo-ing up to prepare for this siege….but I bet Negan and ’em already know it’s coming. Alright, Walking Dead, I’m ready.

 

The Walking Dead S06E10 – The Next World

After coming back with a bang for the second half, The Walking Dead slowed down the pace with “The Next World”, which I was completely fine with. The pace, that is. I’m not too sure how I feel about some of the things that went down in this episode, and hopefully I’ll figure it out by the time I’m done. Let’s go….

-The episode opens with Michonne in a bathrobe, asking Rick to bring back toothpaste on a supply run, and it seems like some time has passed since Carl got his eye shot out. Then you have Denise asking Daryl to bring back pop for Tara. Rick and Michonne look mad comfortable and I raise an eyebrow. But Denise and Tara, is that a thing now? They kissed in the first half of this season, so hey, do your thing, ladies. A threesome is still in play for someone, because I’ve given up on Glenn.

-Speaking of, Maggie sees Enid and tries to get her to talk, but Enid ain’t tryna hear it. Maggie tells her that she’s around if she wants to talk. So we don’t even get a Glenn-Maggie reunion after that bullshit they pulled last week? We get Maggie and Enid? Okay then. I’ve been waiting for her ass to get eaten since she got there.

-And not eating her actual ass, you dirtbags.

-Eugene gives Rick and Daryl a map of the area and points out an agricultural-supply store, where they can hopefully find stuff to grow their own food. Look at Eugene, being helpful. This is what he is good for. As they’re driving, in a Chrysler 300 no less because if you’re gon’ ride around in the zombie apocalypse, might as well be in some nice shit. Rick said he wants to find food and new people, which Daryl counters that they haven’t seen in weeks. I’m cool with food, but what in the hell do you want to find new people for? Tell me how great that has worked out in the past?

-Michonne, while keeping watch, sees Spencer walking out into the woods with a shovel, and obviously she has to follow him. But I trust whatever Michonne does, so it’s cool.

-Rick and Daryl see a barn, and they find a truck inside. It seems awful trappy to me. Then they leave the car there and take the truck, and stop at a gas station to get more shit, which seems even more trappy. Then a dude comes outta nowhere, and they pull the heat on him. He says his name is Paul Rovia, and he said he was running from walkers. They decide that he isn’t a problem and let him do, then they hear shots from behind the gas station, which they discover are fireworks. That’s when they realize they’ve been had, and Paul Rovia is driving off with the truck. See, Rick? See what tryna be friends gets you? You got friends, bruh. Shoot anyone you see and keep it movin’. That’s why Killa Carol needs to pass the concussion protocol and be out there on these runs.

-Spencer is out in the woods, tryna draw a walker out and kill it, but Michonne steps up and kills it. Spencer is like, so you think I’m a bitch and Michonne is like, man, I told ya moms I’d look after ya bitch ass. Not in those words, but that’s more or less what she meant. Or what I meant.

-Meanwhile, Carl and Enid are in the woods, reading comic books, and even Enid is like, dogg, what are we doing out here? Carl is like, we’re kids and that’s what we do. You’ll know when you’re surrounded by walkers. You already got away with one when y’all were chillin’ in that tree. Stop wandering around in the woods. You can read comics in the house. Y’all gon’ learn, dammit.

-They hear a noise and see that it is Spencer and Michonne, and Enid is like, man, fuck this, I’m out, and Carl is like, okay. I’ll give him a pass because he is still a kid and just got his eye taken, but come on, Carl. You know she’s right. But they see a walker as they’re walking away and Carl pushes it down, but he won’t let Enid kill it, and you realize from the looks on their faces that they recognize it. You should know who it is.

-Meanwhile, Rick and Daryl are on foot and they eventually catch up to Paul and the truck, holding him at gunpoint and tying him up. They did leave the knots loose enough so he could escape, and here, I have a couple questions. Why not just kill him and take the keys? Why leave the ropes loosened? Because guess what, they’re driving away and realize that he is on top of the truck. HOW IN THE NAME OF REG AND PETE DID HE GET ON TOP OF THE TRUCK? You mean to tell me he got free that fast and climbed on top? Did he chase down the truck because he’s a really fast runner? This show is great. The Walking Dead‘s foundation is built on people making terrible decisions. Wouldn’t be shit without it.

-Anyway, they chase him down with Daryl and Paul (also named Jesus because that’s what his friends called him) fighting in the truck, which ends up in a lake. They got out before that, and Paul also saved Daryl by shooting a walker, which leads Rick to want to bring him back to Alexandria. Sure, Rick. Why the hell not?

-Michonne and Spencer see Carl leaving a walker behind, and the walker stumbles towards them…..it’s Zombie Deanna! Spencer was out here because he thought he saw her before, and he wanted to get up the courage to kill her so he could bury her. This goes into the end of the episode, when Michonne tells Carl that he should have killed Zombie Deanna, and he thought it should have been someone in her family. He’s not entirely wrong. Now stop walking around in the fuckin’ woods.

-Daryl and Rick bring Paul to the infirmary so he can be taken care of by Denise, the world’s best nurse now. Then they take him to the basement, leaving him some water and a note, which we can’t read.

-Rick then meets Michonne at the house, where he gives her mints and both of them say that they’ve had a day. Anyway, they end up holding hands and they kiss, which we’ve all seen coming for a minute now, but Rick end up up with Jessie, who is now probably a walker somewhere. It seemed kinda awkward. My big fear is now that Michonne is gon’ die. Rick’s women don’t have a good track record.

-Then there was the post-credit scene, which I didn’t see. But I guess Paul was in the basement in Rick’s house? Really, bruh? The house where your kids are at? There aren’t other houses? And where is Daryl? WHY DON’T YOU JUST KILL PEOPLE? FUCK.

“The Next World” was alright, not the best episode of The Walking Dead, but not the worst. We needed to catch our breath after “No Way Out”. They skipped over a few things, but it is what it is. Seems like Rick just got over Jessie and Michonne is the rebound? He better not get her killed. We’ll see next week what the deal is with Jesus, and what kinda trap he set for them. Because he is involved in a trap, possibly with Negan (comic readers, don’t tell me and be that person, I’m not having the spoiler conversation again). I look forward to many more terrible decisions from The Walking Dead.

The Walking Dead S06E08 – Start To Finish

The Walking Dead hit the midway point of Season 6 with “Start To Finish”, and they’re usually pretty solid when it comes to finales. While this one wasn’t great in terms of technical aspects, after a couple of dour episodes, they went into the break with hilarity. I doubt that was their goal, but this might have been the funniest episode I’ve seen of anything this season. Let’s go…..

-We open upstairs at Jessie’s house, and we see little creepy Sam leaving an empty plate outside his door because remember, he won’t come outside. He is drawing a picture of a boy tied to a tree with what appears to be walkers on either side of him, because he’s a shitty artist. This is a call back to last season when Carol told him that she would tie him to a tree and let the monsters get him if he told anyone that she was in the armory, I believe. All he wanted was some cookies and now he’s scarred for life, which is hilarious. Then we go to ants coming through his window and converging on a cookie that he hasn’t eaten, which I actually liked a lot because it signifies the walkers coming through the walls at Alexandria. Some fake-deep shit, but but it gets the point across.

-The first segment starts with the tower falling and the walkers starting to come through, and it is basically a look at everyone trying to get away. Ron is about to shoot Carl, but realizes they have bigger problems. Rick is yelling at everyone, which is no surprise. Deanna steps up to help Rick because she has her second wind now. Morgan and Carol are running away and in a very unlike-Carol thing, she trips over nothing like Blond White Girl #2 in a horror movie. Morgan helps her up as they get back to his place, while Deanna also falls, but Rick saves her. Maggie also can’t stand up and shoutout to Holly for texting me, “My favorite part is when the walkers first broke through, and everyone from the original crew was falling down like weeble wobbles”. But Maggie shoots her way to a ladder and of course, she gets away. She also looks up in the sky and sees Glenn’s balloons again.

-Eugene is hiding around the corner and he hears Daryl say “hello” on Rick’s dropped radio, but he is standing there with a machete and freezes when approached by walkers, and has to get saved by Rosita and Tara, and they run into a garage. I know Eugene is a punk, but at this point, bruh? COME ON. SACK UP. After lying about being a scientist, the least you can do is not be a bitch. He’s fighting with Father Bitchass and Ron for the top spot on my “Mufuckas Gotta Die” list. Meanwhile, Rick, Deanna, Jessie, Michonne, Father Bitchass, Carl and Ron run into Jessie’s house, and shoutout to Deanna pointing out walkers to Rick like a running back pointing out blockers to his offensive line. COMICAL.

-Glenn and Enid are watching the walkers invade Alexandria, and Glenn is tryna think of a way to get in to help, but Enid is being sour as she tends to do. She says some bullshit about letting the world die and Glenn is like, fuck all that. Glenn is starting to get a little annoying, and it’s not even his fault. Like Maggie, he is the victim of shitty writing, which is terrible because I really like both of them. Oh well, I guess.

-Sam opens his door to see everything happening, as Rick takes a bleeding Deanna into a room so they can assess the situation, and everything is chaotic. Jessie sees a traumatized Sam and tells him to pretend to be brave. So what does Sam do? He closes the door and man, let me tell you something: I laughed for like 15 minutes straight. All I pictured was the Homer Simpson GIF where he backs into the bushes. I had to pause and rewind I was laughing so hard. I’m laughing about it again. That might be the single-funniest thing I’ve seen on TV all year. Shit. I got tears in my eyes again.

-Morgan and Carol are hangin’ out and he thinks she is concussed, but Carol ain’t tryna hear it. Denise is downstairs with Morgan’s Wolf friend, who Holly said looked like Skeet Ulrich on a meth binge (and she’s not wrong). He is tryna convince her to untie him, but Denise ain’t fallin’ for it. She’s gon’ get killed, b. This seems like one of the worst plans in the history of The Walking Dead, a show well-known for terrible plans. He shows her his wound and she takes out an IV. Because he deserves to use up their medicine.

-Speaking of wounds, we see Deanna’s and Michonne realizes that she has been bitten, which happened when she fell earlier. The camera pans around at Rick and then to Deanna, who says, “Well……..shit”. Perfect. This has to be a top-three most humorous TWD episode of all time.

-Rick’s new plan is to get to the armory to get some flares so he can draw the walkers away, and Jessie is like, whatever you think, bruh. Meanwhile, Michonne is with Deanna and tells her that she thinks her Alexandria expansion will work, but Deanna is more interested in asking Michonne what she really wants out of life. I tuned out at some point because Deanna about to die and I don’t care.

-Now here we go: Carl goes to the garage, where Ron is being all sad and thinking they’re gon’ die and Enid is dead and that Rick is a killer and gets people killed, including his father. Carl replies with, aye, your dad also killed someone, and Ron is like, touche. Didn’t think that through, did you, fuckboy? Anyway, he pulls out his gun and Carl is like, if you pull it out, you better use it, and the two get to fighting. Ron swings a shovel at Carl and breaks a window, which draws walkers to the house. Rick and Jessie run down and Rick breaks down the door to save the boys, and he asks Carl what’s up; Carl lies and said they were making noise tryna keep the walkers away, and Rick is like, WHY YOU LYIN’, BRUH. Ron stutters and is like, uh, yeah, that’s what happened, and goes upstairs.

-Carl runs up on Ron like, the fuck are you doin’ and pulls the gun on him, and Ron tries to apologize, but Carl is like, yeah I know, bitch, gimme your fuckin’ gun. He gets Ron’s gun and says, look, I know my dad killed your dad and you’re salty, but your dad was an asshole, and again, the laughs start rollin’. On the low, Carl’s come-up from being an annoying kid to a teenager who knows what’s up in the zombie apocalypse has been pretty good. I know we all hated him as a kid. Shoutout to Chandler Riggs. Now we just need Enid to make a man out of him and we’re good.

–Fear The Walking Dead: Flight 462. Ol’ boy is dead on the ground and the U.S.Marshal won’t let the Asian lady who be knowin’ get close to him. He is dead…..and he reanimates with those eyes. YUP. That was more dramatic than any single thing in this episode.

-Judith starts crying upstairs as the crew surveys the scene outside, because you should leave a baby alone at times like these. Rick goes upstairs and sees Deanna kneeling over Judith, and he thinks she’s gone full zombie on her, and is really ready to chop her head off before Deanna is like, AYE YO I’M NOT A ZOMBIE YET SHIT DON’T KILL ME. Again, more comedy. He takes Deanna back to her room, and she gives him notes for Spencer and Maggie, and asks Rick to watch Spencer like he is one of his people. Then she tells him that they’re all his people, which was the right answer to her question last week about why he saved Spencer. Man, these BEEN Rick’s people, they just don’t know it yet.

-Eugene, Tara and Rosita are still in their garage, tryna think about what they can do since there are a thousand walkers out there. Eugene is reading a history book, but he has a paper clip or something, which he can use to pick the lock to get out of the garage and into the house. Good for you. You can pick locks. Useless motherfucker.

-The lock he is picking is to get into Morgan’s, where he is tryna convince Carol that the Wolf doesn’t need to die and Carol ain’t buying it. Meanwhile, walkers are really putting the boots to Jessie’s place and cause the group to run upstairs, where the walkers are stopped on the steps by a couch. Sure, why not?

-Carol goes downstairs and tells Denise to get away from the Wolf, holding a knife to her, and Morgan gets in the middle of it. At Jessie’s, Rick realizes that they have to get outta there. I don’t know where they managed to get walkers from, but they come up with the plan to drench themselves in walker guts so they can get out of the house, and Father Bitchass, Jessie and Ron are like, mufucka what? But Rick and Michonne are like, we’ve done it before and really, what other choice do they have?

-Seriously though……where did they get those walkers?

-Morgan and Carol are arguing about what needs to be done and they get to fighting, and Carol, God love her, is keeping up with Morgan….until he powerslams her and that is the end of that. But then the Wolf has gotten free, and knocks Morgan out with his own damn staff, of course. Back at Jessie’s, Michonne tells Deanna that she will kill her before she turns and Deanna is like, nah, I got a gun, I’ll do it when I’m ready. She’s lookin’ mighty deathly anyway. Jessie is tryna convince Sam that this is the move and he isn’t getting it, but eventually says he’ll pretend and he is about to get at least two people killed. Goddamn, Carol fucked his head up hahahahahaha

-The crew get ready to head out, and Father Bitchass tries to persuade Rick that he’s ready for this and back out, and Rick is like, whatever man, I hope you die anyway.

-Denise pleads with the Wolf not to kill Morgan and Carol, but then Tara, Eugene and Rosita run up on them and the Wolf takes Denise hostage before they just wander outside…..do they not know that there are thousands of walkers out there? Whatever, man. Whatever.

-Rick gives Judith to Carl, who puts her under his guts-soaked poncho and the crew heads out into the herd, holding hands. Meanwhile, Glenn climbs a tree and sees Maggie. Deanna is about to kill herself, but decides to go out into the herd, where she thinks she’ll die in a blaze of glory. However, we don’t see it, but I bet they ate the shit outta her.

-After the credits, which I didn’t see until yesterday, we see Sasha, Abe and Daryl driving a truck down the road, and they’re stopped by some dudes with guns on motorcycles. I missed the part where they even got back together, but man, there’s a lot of fuckery going on in this show. Anyway, the bikers tell them give up all their shit and Daryl asks why, and the main biker says that all their shit belongs to Negan now. I stopped reading the comics before he came around, so don’t tell me who he is because I don’t care and I’ll figure it out when it comes back in February; Valentine’s Day, to be exact. And I heard that some comic readers are mad about how they introduced Negan, it’s different from the comics. If you haven’t figured out that the show is different from the comics after 5 1/2 seasons, I don’t know what to tell ya, bruh. Why are you even still watching?

Season 6 of The Walking Dead started out with a bang, and then kinda went downhill for the final three episodes: this joint, the Daryl/Sasha/Abe joint and Glenn’s return. I get what they were tryna do with this episode, but the execution was terrible and it turned out to be absolutely hilarious, which is something. But now we have to wait until February to see how Glenn gets back to Maggie, how many people Sam gets killed, who or what Negan is (again, don’t tell me), and how the Wolf and Denise get through this herd of walkers without getting killed. If nothing else, The Walking Dead is entertaining, and I’ve always said that. It’s just not very good a lot of the time, and that’s fine.

The Walking Dead S06E07 – Heads Up

The Walking Dead is almost at the midseason point as “Heads Up” answered a few questions about some things that happened earlier this season. Not only was that a big ol’ crock of horseshit, but I found a couple more things to hate about this show. Will I continue watching? Obviously. But I’ma be mad about it. Let’s go…..

-So, the shit opens going back to “Thank You“, aka the Glenn episode and we pick up with walkers buffeting their way all over Nicholas. I’m not describing it, y’all watched what happened. So, here are my issues with this fuckery:

a) Walkers are just grabbing at Nicholas, but you mean to tell me that they don’t grab on to Glenn? Not a fingernail? Not a scratch? Nothing? Like they can’t tell that another warm body is right underneath the one they’re eating? WORD?

b) So fine, he gets away from that. He manages to slide under the dumpster and walkers are tryna get at him? Not one walker can touch him? They’re grabbing at his hair and all that shit. NOT ONE WALKER CAN TOUCH HIM? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.

c) Fine, he stays under the dumpster for an entire night. Where did these walkers go? They decided they needed to be somewhere else? They’re like, well, can’t reach him, guess I’ll just give up and try something else? NAH. Their whole mission is to eat and when there is something right there, they’re not leaving until they get it. But this is what we’re doing now? Zombies giving up on food that is right there in front of their fucking faces? COOL.

d) How long was Glenn underneath the dumpster? Wiki says days, but we see one scene where it has gone to nighttime, so are we supposed to believe that he was under there for days? If you’re gon’ try and pull some fuck shit like this, for the love of God, make it believable.

-Yeah, I said “believable” in a show about zombies. Be mad about it.

-Look, I love me some Glenn. Little Pizza Boy is one of my favorite characters. But him coming back is the biggest bunch of bullshit that The Walking Dead has tried to feed us, and they’ve served up some shit sammiches in its day. People love characters to come back…..nah, bruh. Just die already and move on with the fucking story. And also, I could have spent another 500 words on this section, just so you know.

-So then, he manages to get from under the dumpster that he has been under for either 12 hours or 12 weeks, who the fuck knows….and there is Enid with a bottle of water. Just happens to be on top of a building with water like someone standing on the sidelines at a marathon. Sure. Fine. And not only that, she throws the bottle in a puddle of blood and entrails. Jesus. Anyway, he chases her, she tells him Alexandria was attacked, but still runs away and Glenn, of course, has to chase her. Holy shit. I’m getting a headache watching this again.

-Back at Alexandria, Rick is checking out the walls and he tells Morgan he needs to talk to him about some shit later, and again he sees some blood trickling from the other side of the wall. He sees Maggie at the lookout post, where she is looking for a signal from Glenn, and I kinda feel bad for her; the only person on this show that I do feel bad for, but only for a minute. I’ll never let the shit with Beth go, speaking of shit sammiches. I’ve tried, but fuck it.

-Glenn finds David, the guy with Michonne that didn’t make it over the fence, and he turned, so Glenn stabs him in the head. But he finds the note that David wrote to his wife, the one that Michonne said he didn’t need because he would see her again, but that shit ain’t work out.

-Father Bitchass puts up a note saying there would be a prayer circle and Rick ripped that shit down with the quickness. I didn’t even notice because I was still mad from the Glenn shit. I missed a lot of shit this episode on the first go being mad at the Glenn shit. Anyway, he and Carl are taking Ron out to teach him how to shoot. Oh my, how mad y’all are gon’ be when Ron does some fuck shit like, I don’t know, shoots Carl. They set this shit up like, two episodes ago. Ron has “fuckboy” written all over his face.

-Morgan goes to Denise, but doesn’t tell her what he wants, and Rick is like, aye, come here for a second, bruh. Rick, Michonne and Carol question him about the Wolves and Morgan not killing them. Morgan throws out some “all life is precious” bullshit that he said to Daryl in “Conquer“, and that’s fine. He says that anyone can change and I get where he is coming from as we saw in “Here’s Not Here“, but come on, dogg. The dude you have caged up has been bitten….this is the one you want to save? It’s gon’ suck when he kills Morgan or worse, someone else.

-There is a sweet camera shot of the truck that rammed into the tower outside of the Alexandria walls when the Wolves showed up, and it pans over that to get to a shot of all the walkers lining up at said wall. Knowing what we know by the end of the episode, that’s pretty good….so there is one good thing that happened. Michonne and Rick are tryna come up with a plan to get the walkers away, and Michonne wants to use the Alexandria people, but Rick is like, nah, they’re stupid. Michonne tries to talk him out of it, but dammit, he’s right. That being said, I’m not sure they really have a choice. Then Deanna runs up, all happy, talkin’ about plans for expansion and Rick is like, yeah, how about we just get through this shit first? Good for her, though. At least she seems to have her wits about her again.

-Rosita is teaching the Alexandrians how to use a machete, but it’s Eugene that is the most scared out of everyone, which blows my mine. Rosita, too, because she says that being scared of dying isn’t what should scare him, it is watching your friends die after you were too scared to save him, which I think already happened with Eugene. For all the shit that he has seen and caused, Eugene still being a bitch? Why haven’t we thrown him to the walkers again? Dude ain’t even a real scientist.

-Enid is in a restaurant, but Glenn being Glenn, catches up to her and tells her he is taking her back to Alexandria. He says that Maggie wouldn’t leave her behind, but listen, Enid’s being a little snot. She doesn’t wanna come, she doesn’t wanna come, let her fend for herself and see how far that gets her. Then she has the nerve to pull a gun on Glenn? He’s like, if you don’t get that shit outta my fuckin’ face. Walks up on her and grabs that shit. She is another one that needs to go. I can’t even do a “Who Do I Want To Die” Power Rankings because the list would be too long. Let’s just say I want everyone to die but Carol and maybe, Maggie. Everyone else? Bye.

-Another week, another reminder to sit down and watch that Fear The Walking Dead: Flight 462 joint. Mmmmmhhhhmmmmm, they know that dude got bit now. It’s about to be on and poppin’. That Asian lady be knowin’.

-Anyway, Glenn grabs the gun and tells Enid to bring her little ass on, while Rick is back playing carpenter at Alexandria. Tobin asks to help him, but really, the point of this scene is for him to tell Rick not to give up on the Alexandrians. He admits that they weren’t built for this, and it’s taking a while for them to wrap their heads around it, but they’ll catch on. Tobin looks like he says the N-word a lot. I don’t trust him.

-Enid kills a walker that has been cut in half, and Glenn looks at her, and she says some slick shit like, wouldn’t your wife have wanted me to kill it? Man, feed her ass to a herd or something. I’m tired of her mouth. They find some balloons, which she says will distract the walkers, and Glenn tries to say something to her, and she says something smart again. If she survives this season, I’ll be blue mad.

-Ron manages to distract Olivia so he can steal some bullets and move his fuckboy plan forward. Good job, Olivia, good effort.

-I forgot about The War For The Planet Of The Apes. That joint’s gon’ be good.

-Glenn and Enid finally get to Alexandria, where they see that it’s a zombie party outside the walls. Enid says some shit about tryna let the world die and of course, Glenn is all noble and says that’s some bullshit. Again, if she wants to go, let her go. I’d be the worst person to be in the zombie apocalypse with. You wanna go off on your own? Aight, cool.

-Rick and Tobin see Spencer tryna climb out of Alexandria with a rope that he has attached to the tower, and of course, that shit breaks and he almost gets caught by walkers. I don’t even know how he got away from them. Oh right, Tara climbs outside of the wall herself to shoot whatever walkers she can, long enough for Morgan to jump in and help Rick and Tobin pull Spencer to safety, while Michonne helps Tara back in. Rick loses it, yelling at Tara for putting her life on the line for one of the Alexandrians, which is kinda weird of him to say like, in front of them and Tara gives him the finger, which was pretty fuckin’ good. Then he yells at Spencer, whose plan was to get to a car so he could lead the walkers away, but come on, he ain’t pullin’ that shit off. Spencer even says to rick that if he had came to him with the plan, Rick wouldn’t have allowed it. And why should he? Maybe if someone else did it.

-Morgan goes to Denise and comes clean: he needs antibiotics if there are some to spare. So Morgan wants to use what medicine they have on a Wolf that has been bitten? Cool. But Carol is on the porch with Judith and when she sees Morgan and Denise walking down the street, she transforms into Killa Carol, walking down the middle of the street with Judith in tow. She goes to Jessie and is like, aye, take Judith for me for a minute, while Sam asks Carol if the Wolves were monsters. She actually asks her if you kill one of them, do you turn into a monster and Carol says something like, killing is the only way from becoming a monster. The writing leaves a lot to be desired, but basically, she’s saying kill or be killed, which is why I fucks with Carol. Anyway, she unlocks the door to Morgan’s spot and demands to know who he has in there.

-Cut to a scene of Carl walking down the street, and Ron rollin’ up behind him with a gun. Before I wrote it earlier, I knew this was happening. Go back to the joint where Ron first asked Rick to teach him to shoot. Using his mom’s vagina to get into Rick’s good graces. What a fuckboy.

-Michonne is looking at Deanna’s blueprints, while Rick is noisily hammering with Tobin, and he apologizes to Tara for yelling at her. Deanna thanks him for saving Spencer (she already thanked Tara), and asks why he did it. Rick says it is because he was her son, and she responds with “wrong answer”. Did you want the truth or not? To be fair, Rick would have really tried to save anyone that tried to do that dumb shit that Spencer pulled. That’s how Rick is wired.

-Everyone sees the balloons, including Maggie, who starts getting psyched. But then the watchtower, which we saw earlier, starts to creek and tumble over in the slowest of motions. It crashes into the wall and that can only mean one thing: the walkers are coming.

From start to finish, this was one of the most annoying and frustrating episodes in the history of The Walking Dead, mainly because of the stuff with Glenn, which I’m never gon’ like and that’s fine; I get that a lot of people do like it, I just think it’s fucking stupid. But it is what it is and I’ll be watching next week because the walkers are through the walls and the Alexandrians still aren’t ready to deal with this. That means we probably won’t get any resolution to the Carl/Ron thing, although Carl could just turn around, grab Ron’s gun and smack him like, we’ll deal with this later. The Morgan/Carol thing will have to wait, and we’re still waiting for Glenn, Daryl, Abe and Sasha to get back. I assume it’ll be 90 minutes, but I’m not looking too far ahead because, well, spoilers and y’all know how I am with that shit.

Anyway, I hate you, The Walking Dead, and you’re fucking infuriating. And I’ll be here next week.

The Walking Dead S05E16 – Conquer

The Walking Dead brought Season 5 to a close with “Conquer”, a title that didn’t seem to fit on first glance. But it wasn’t what you would have expected of Rick and the group, and it encapsulated everything that was good (and bad) about a damn good fifth season. Let’s go….

-We open with the homie Morgan, which was one of my big questions going into the episode because we hadn’t seen him since the finale of Season 5A, “Coda“. He’s sleeping in the back of a car, which seems dangerous because what if a horde of walkers surround you in your sleep, but I forgot who we’re talkin’ about. He gets out of the car and is chillin’, tryna have his morning coffee like a civilized person when he is approached by someone with a gun and a “W” on his forehead. So we find out the Wolves are a group that goes around reclaiming the territory, basically killing them off, which is something we kinda figured out, so he tells Morgan he is takin’ all his shit and Morgan is about to die, then he is joined by another wolf. The two try to take Morgan, who goes all black Donatello on them with a bow staff, and fucks their entire life up. He then realizes that dude ran up on him with an empty gun, which had to be a piss-off, so he kills a walker, puts the wolves in the car he was sleeping in and beeps the horn to attract more walkers before taking a rabbit’s foot that was hanging from the mirror. That was one of the best cold opens of the season. Also, as per the black Donatello thing, I finally watched a bit of Talking Dead and Lennie James, who plays Morgan, said he trained with someone that worked on the Ninja Turtles movie, so there is that. I was pretty proud of that. And fuck y’all, the new TMNT movie was great.

-Rick wakes up in a room with Michonne, who tells him that Pete is in his own house and she reiterates that they just needed to be not out there anymore, which is fair. Then they’re joined by Glenn, Abe and Carol, who starts asking Rick about the stolen gun that she stole, and Rick is kinda lookin’ at her like, bitch, what? YOU TOOK IT FOR ME. But I think it was a matter of Carol tryna get him ready for Deanna’s interrogation and Carol is the brains behind the operation. Carol tells Rick to tell them what they wanna hear, which is what she has been doing since she got her and Michonne asks her why. Carol hits her with, “because these people are children and children like stories”. Apparently Deanna is having some sort of forum with the town to figure out what to do with Rick, who then comes up with a plan to take Deanna and company hostage if things go south. Actually, WHEN things go south because we know our group. Michonne says they can talk to each other, but Rick is like, yeah, with knives to their throats. Even Glenn is kinda wary of this, so it’ll be interesting to see if the group moves with Rick, well, everyone outside of Carol. We know she is down.

-Maggie is glaring at Father Bitchass through a window, then turns her attention to Deanna and Reg about the evening’s forum. Deanna isn’t really down to talk about it, which is fair because she has to be still grieving Aiden, but Reg tracks Maggie down and says some ol’ Kumbayah shit about everyone living together. Reg is too good for this world, and we know what happens to those people in The Walking Dead.

-Sasha continues to be crazy, wheeling dead walkers to a hole she dug because why not keep dead walkers around? They add a ton to the surroundings and I’m sure they smell great. Anyway, she kinda slips into the hole and says fuck it, lying down on the walkers. What a GD mess she is.

-Daryl and Aaron are still trackin’ someone or something, and Aaron, who is always talking, tells the story of the trio that was exiled from Alexandria. It was two men and a woman, and they were driven far away from the town. He can’t let that happen again, he says. So are these people now wolves? Was that the woman that was tied to a tree? Actually, never mind, Aaron would have known it was her, unless he’s shady and that wouldn’t surprise me at all.

-Carol visits Rick, who asks why she sold him out with Michonne with the guns earlier, and Carol has her reservations about Michonne, which is completely fair; she’s been acting kinda strange since they got to Alexandria, but that’s because she just wanted to stop running. Rick says he doesn’t want to take Alexandria, and he doesn’t wanna lie anymore. Carol just smiles at him and says, “awwww sunshine….you don’t get both”. KILLA CAROL IS SUCH A FUCKING G.

-Aaron and Daryl are following a dude in a red poncho, then we cut to Rick walking down the street. He says hello to three dudes who are lookin’ around like, could we even take him? Then he glares at Deanna or rather, they glare at each other. Meanwhile, Nicholas is plottin’ on Glenn from across the street, then Maggie comes out and tells Glenn she will try and talk to the entire town to get Rick out of this. Rick goes to his house and tells Carl he might have to threaten some mufuckas at the meeting, and even Carl is like, oh fuck, again? But Carl seems to be taking pity on this group; they don’t know what the streets are like nowadays. Besides, he needs like, a few more days to holla at Enid.

-Daryl and Aaron find a food warehouse about 50 miles away from Alexandria, so they get past a fence and a buncha walkers and this seems like such a terrible idea. Aaron finds an Alaskan license plate, because that shit is important. Daryl is lookin’ around like, something doesn’t seem right, but he tries to open a container, which starts a booby trap and walkers start coming from every direction. The chase is on and they’re trapped under a truck. Daryl kills three walkers at once with a chain, and Aaron slams one of their heads in a door as the two are trapped inside a car. Daryl says hey, maybe if we chill for a couple hours, someone will come. Then Aaron finds a note that says, “TRAP BAD PEOPLE COMING DON’T STAY” and it looks like the last three words are written in blood, so there goes that plan.

-Pete is wallowing, and Carol is knocking at the door. Carol brings over a tuna casserole and a knife, and threatens to kill Pete if he doesn’t come back to treat Tara, along with him just being a dickbag in general. The shot of Carol threatening Pete, who is at least eight inches taller than Carol, is fantastic, and she hits him with that “come at me bro”. Carol has a way of making everyone around her feel very small when she wants to, and it makes Pete freak out as he drops the dish on the ground, starts yelling that it isn’t his house and trashes the place.

-After talking to Maggie, Glenn saw Nicholas climb over the wall, which seems to be a common theme in Alexandria, and he follows him through the woods, but Nicholas shoots him in the shoulder. Nicholas ain’t truly about that life because he had a clean shot, but when he goes to find Glenn, there is no body. He has no idea who he is messin’ with.

-Rick goes to see Jessie because that sounds like a great idea, which she even admits, but Rick doesn’t care and she tells him he was right. Pete is looking through the window from across the street, so that’s gon’ happen.

-We’re back to Daryl and Aaron in the car, and Daryl admits that he fits in better in the open than back at the houses, which sounds about right. Daryl then comes up with a plan to draw the walkers to him while Aaron makes a run for it, and Aaron is like, fuck that, we’re doing this together. They get their shit up to make a run for it and then, BAM, Morgan comes outta nowhere and clears a path for them. They’re like, who the fuck are you, b? Aaron starts talkin’ like shit, tellin’ names and where they live and Daryl shoots him a look like, yo, shit the fuck up. But Morgan says he is on somewhere and hands Daryl the map that says, “The new world is gonna need Rick Grimes”. WE’RE ALMOST THERE.

-Father Bitchass went for a walk outside of the gates and finds a walker with a noose around his neck and says that he is ready, and I would love to see this walker win, but he seems to notice the person that the walker was eating is still alive, and he is even too much of a coward to die. He kills the walker and the dude who was a buffet for said walker, and he continues to cry and lie in the street. Fuck this dude, fuck his life, his friends, his family and everything that has to do with him.

-Abe goes to visit Tara and brings this little pitiful plant, but he sees Eugene and doesn’t wanna deal with a discussion that I figured they had a long time ago. They apologize for past indiscretions (Eugene lying, Abe for knocking him out), and yeah, that’s cool. I don’t care. Good for them. One of them is dying in the first couple episodes of Season 6.

-Gabriel comes back and Spencer, Deanna’s other son, wants to talk to him later on. But Father Bitchass, being the fuckboy he is, DOESN’T SHUT THE GATE ENTIRELY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??????????

-Nicholas is still tryna find Glenn, and you’d think he would just follow the trail of blood, but he’s an idiot. He gets distracted by a walker and Glenn jumps him and the two fight, and somehow, Glenn winds up with three walkers on him. Keep that in the back of your head for a minute.

-Michonne finds Rick before the meeting, and Rick tells her about the guns they stole, and they lied to Michonne because they weren’t sure of her. Michonne is like, y’all don’t think I’m down for the cause? She wants to do this non-violently, bu she says she is still with Rick and I’m down for this power couple of Rick and Michonne. Rickonne? Mick? I don’t know, I’ll figure something out before next season.

-We see someone unsheathing a sword, but no face. I think it is Rick, who looks out of the window and notices something. It is that the gate has been left open and something or someone got in. He springs into action and starts looking, while Father Bitchass gets back to his place and finds Sasha, who needs to talk to him about going crazy. This is being cut with the meeting, but they’re missing some people, a lot of people, actually. Rick is still chasing whatever got in through the gates, Nicholas and Glenn are still out in the woods, Father Bitchass and Sasha, Aaron and Daryl….but Deanna is tryna get this poppin’.

-Carol and Abe are talkin’ Rick up to the group and saying they need him, while Glenn comes outta nowhere and bops Nicholas over the head. Now, I wanna stop for a second. Glenn is badass and I have no question that he could have beaten those three walkers on top of him, but dogg, we need to see that because when we left him, I assumed that would be the end of that. That was probably my biggest problem with the episode; actually, second-biggest and both involve Glenn.

-Meanwhile, Rick is fighting off a walker and they’re on the ground, but it looks like he first puts his gun through its head, and then squeezes its head until it pops on some Game Of Thrones shit. Then it cuts to the red poncho guy, who is being walked up to the fence where the food trap was, and the two men with him slit his throat and say, welcome home. Interesting.

-Maggie takes over for Rick’s side, and says some shit about family, but Deanna is like, Father Bitchass told me y’all were on some bullshit. Jessie pushes back against her and she has to be a little pissed because Deanna was basially ready to sacrifice her because Pete is a doctor. Meanwhile, Glenn is still kickin’ Nicholas’ ass in the woods in the world’s longest fight scene, while Sasha has Father Bitchass on the ground with a gun pointed at him, which brings a happy tear to my eye. But then, we cut to the food trap and they have a remote system where there is music playing inside the containers, which draws the walkers back inside. These mufuckas, I’m assuming they’re the wolves, are pretty smart.

-The group are still talkin’ and someone, I think his name is Tobin, says something about keeping his family safe and if they gotta get rid of some people….just as Rick comes through with a dead walker over his shoulder. All he had to say after that was, THIS IS WHY Y’ALL MUFUCKAS NEED ME. Glenn still has a gun to Nicholas’ head and he is begging for his life, and Glenn is so much better than me because he doesn’t kill him. I woulda shot ol’ boy in his legs and left him there. That was my biggest problem with this episode, but I’m petty. Meanwhile, Maggie walks in on Sasha and stops her from shooting Father Bitchass, who says it was his fault that they all died, so I assume that is his congregation. Maggie feels sorry for him and helps him up. Maybe getting this off his chest will help be a better person next season? I hope so; I don’t know if I can do this anymore.

-Rick listens to Carl and Michonne and tells the people how it is, while there are cuts to scenes with Carl and Judith, and Glenn helping Nicholas back, Maggie/Father Bitchass/Sasha picking a great time for a prayer circle, Tara wakes up with Rosa and someone picking up a bag; the bag was Aaron’s, and the person picking it up was one of the two men that are controlling the walkers. All Rick is saying is that there are people and things out there that want to kill them and they have to strike first, and he was wondering how many of the Alexandria people he had to kill to make them see that, but he decided against it and that they had to change or else.

-Just then, Pete barges in with Michonne’s sword (so it was him unsheathing it earlier) and tries to go after Rick and Reg tries to intercept him, while Carol whispers, “do it now”. Pete slashes his throat and gets taken down by Abe while everyone gasps and Carol inside is hittin’ that Mr. Burns laugh like, holy shit this is working out SO WELL. Deanna is freaking out because now she has lost her husband, too, and says to Rick, ” do it”, and Rick shot Pete so fast. Then Aaron, Daryl and Morgan walk up like, what y’all doin’?

-After the credits, we see Michonne putting her sword on her back again, where it belongs, while we also see red poncho guy, who is now a walker, pass the car that Daryl and Aaron were inside of, and it says, “WOLVES NOT FAR” on the outside.

Well, alright then. The group managed to take over Alexandria, conquer, as it were, and this was similar to the way in which kinda took over the farm. They talked to the people running place and hey, a little blood had to get spilled, but it’s for the greater good and that is a huge overarching theme in The Walking Dead. You might not think you have to get your hands dirty in the zombie apocalypse, but you’re gon’ have to do it at some point, whether you’re the Alexandria people, or Father Bitchass. So, it looks like the wolves are building an army of walkers, while Rick is building an army of Alexandrians, so that shit ’bout to come to a head next season. And hey, Carl and Judith will have a new mommy, so that’s sorted.

Overall, it was a great ending to what I think has been the best season of the show since, shit, probably the first or second. I mean, I saw some people complaining about how many commercials there were, but AMC gotta eat and if you didn’t know how it would go down beforehand, you haven’t been watching TV very long. In particular, the second half was everything that is awesome about The Walking Dead and yeah, there were a couple of shaky parts, but come on, this shit ain’t exactly Mad Men or Breaking Bad, AMC’s two other flagship shows. By Season 5, you should know what you’re getting out of this show and they set a new rating record with this episode, so someone has to be doing something right. Anyway, I’m ready for Season 6. Until then, y’all. Thanks for rockin’ with me.

The Walking Dead S05E15 – Try

“Try” was a strange episode of The Walking Dead, especially as the penultimate episode of Season 5. I think I knew what they were tryna do, but I’m not sure they pulled it off. Maybe I’ll be more clear about it after I write this. Let’s go………

-There is a walking slothing around in the woods and he walks past a broken picture of, I’m not exactly sure who. Maybe it’s that Enid girl and her people? Were they the people that got killed with Aiden and Nicholas? Meanwhile, Deanna, Reg and Spencer are mourning Aiden’s death, and she throws on what I assume is a CD of Aiden’s, and I think it’s Nine Inch Nails. Unpopular opinion: I don’t like Nine Inch Nails. Trent Reznor seems like an alright guy, though.

-The family mourning is being cut with Carol baking a tuna casserole, which looks basic and tasty as hell. She is tryna think of what she can write on a note as she is giving it to the family, and then she sees Sam outside, staring in the window. Kinda creepy, but he gets a pass because he is going through some shit. The family turns off the music and Deanna opens the door to find the casserole and a note saying “We are truly sorry for your loss”. But she ain’t here for your sympathy, Carol, and Deanna leaves the casserole out on the step, comes inside and burns the note. Lines have officially been drawn in the sand if they weren’t before.

-While all this is happening, Sasha is going through a PTSD (or something similar, if anyone has a better term for it, holla) bout as the walker approaches and starts banging on the wall, which will surely attract more. She finally shoots it and then we see Daryl killing another one out in the field with Aaron, and the pair sees a light off in the distance before they hit the opening. Dem Wolves out?

-The episode returns with Nicholas lying on camera to Deanna about what happened to Aiden, while Glenn is telling the truth to Rick. Deanna doesn’t seem to fully buy what Nicholas is saying, though, and orders Nicholas, along with Glenn, to stay inside the walls until she sorts this out, so she must have had suspicions of her own anyway. Glenn pleads with Rick that they have to make this place work because while these people are some putzes, it’s better than being outside, in theory anyway. Carol sees Jessie, Sam and the older son and she asks Rick what he thinks about the whole “plotting to kill Pete” thing, and that Sam told her he has found his mother unconscious after a fight with his dad. Carol isn’t going to let this go and I have a feeling that if Rick won’t do it, she will. All she sees is what she used to go through with Ed, and she says she wouldn’t be here if the walkers hadn’t gotten him. Rick says that she would have, but would she?

-Rick is walking around in the dark as he is known to do and runs into Pete, who stays being drunk and he tries to talk to Rick, who is holding a gun and he tells Pete to walk away. It takes Pete a minute to figure out that Rick ain’t fuckin’ with him, so this shit has to come to a head soon.

-Michonne wakes up and lays out her uniform, then Rosa tells her that Tara is hanging in there, but the real problem is that no one has seen Sasha, so they go out in the woods for the first time since they got to Alexandria. Michonne also feels responsible for Noah dying, but that’s all I really got out of this exchange between her and Rosa. This isn’t the best written episode of The Walking Dead I’ve ever seen, which is strange because Angela Kang wrote “Four Walls And A Roof” and “Coda” from this season, along with a bunch of other episodes from previous seasons.

-Rick rolls up on Deanna at Aiden’s gravesite and tries to bring up the Pete/Jessie thing, which I found to be in really bad taste. I know it’s an important situation, but dogg, she’s tryna mourn her dead son. Deanna tells Rick that she knew about it, but Pete is a surgeon, which is a good point; you kinda need a doctor in these times, but Rick isn’t havin’ it and suggests that they separate the two of them and if Pete isn’t down with that, he’ll kill him, which Deanna knew was coming anyway. Deanna is like, come on, dogg, we civilized, we don’t do this, we kick mufuckas out, but Rick won’t let it go. I mean, I get where Rick is coming from and I don’t necessarily disagree, but he’s kind of an asshole about it.

-Michonne and Rosa figure out that Sasha is hunting walkers as she is shooting them in the back of the head. Meanwhile, Carl is following Enid, who hears him and tells him to go back and that he scares her, which is fair, he is kinda creepy. But so is she, so they’re a perfect match. Rick and Carl are so pressed to have a woman in their life since Lori that they’ll try and bang married women and follow girls out in the woods where they shouldn’t be. Jeez.

-Carl and Enid see a walker, and she throws a timer out to distract it. It’s around this point that I want them to get eaten.

-Glenn finds Nicholas cleaning blood out of the rave van and tells him that it was his fault that everyone died from Noah to Aiden to the people they let die before, and Nicholas fronts like he’s gon’ do something, but he’s pussy and Glenn can smell it. He tells Nicholas not to leave the place and that he is saving him, and he’s right. I would have liked to see Nicholas try something, though. Glenn woulda tore his ass up. Lucky Glenn didn’t leave you there to die, fuckboy.

-Carl and Enid take a rest in the woods because they’re runnin’ around like shit is sweet in these streets, but it’s obvious that something happened to her, Carl can see that. Then they hear a buncha walkers coming and they hide in a tree, and this whole scene made me angry. If we know one thing about walkers on The Walking Dead, it’s that they have a good sense of smell, but they can’t smell these kids. I guess this scene was put there just to get Carl and Enid close and they hold hands and shit. I don’t know. I don’t care. But one good thing came from this scene: we see another walker with a “W” in his forehead. DEM WOLVES COMIN’.

-Nicholas is diggin’ up what I think is the gun Rick hid in the blender a few episodes ago. Well, that answers that.

-Sasha is huntin’ the walkers like Michonne said, and she looks insane. Michonne and Rosa catch up to her and there is a horde coming, and Sasha just isn’t listening to reason. Michonne flashes back to when she was angry as Sasha is, and the three of them take on the horde. Sasha woulda died if they weren’t out there, and personally, I woulda left her out there if she ain’t wanna listen. Is there a therapist or some shit in Alexandria? She needs to talk to someone.

-Daryl and Aaron find a dismembered body that was recently killed, and they find a woman tied to a tree with her guts hangin’ out and a “W” on her forehead. She turns into a walker, but Daryl deads that shit with the quickness. Who or what in the fuck are these Wolves?

-Rick runs up on Jessie and tells her that he knows about Pete and that he wants to help her, and this scene gets super creepy really quick. He basically turns into Shane and is like, I wouldn’t do this for anyone else, which makes him a terrible cop. Again, not the best written scene. But Pete walks in and figures out, hey, Rick is tryna bang my wife and the brawl is on. Sasha is up in the watchtower and notices that everyone is runnin’ towards something.

-They’re runnin’ towards Rick and Pete tryna kill each other with chokeholds and punches. Jessie tries to pull Pete off and gets punched, while Carl tries to do the same to Rick, who throws him away and gets this messed-up look in his eyes. Deanna finally breaks it up, but Rick pulls a gun on everyone and you can see, he has totally lost it, lookin’ like Ric Flair after a steel-cage match back when wrestlers were allowed to bleed. He goes on some rant about the Alexandria people being naive to what is going on outside the walls, and he is right, but dude, you completely went about it the wrong way. Deanna kinda suggests that he is gon’ get the boot and Rick is like, oh fuckin’ word? YOU AND WHAT ARMY???? Then Michonne comes outta nowhere and bops him on the head.

After a run of very good episodes, “Try” was a bit of a letdown until the last 15 minutes or so, basically starting with Daryl and Aaron finding that girl and then the fight that is obviously going to force Deanna’s hand to make a decision. I don’t think Michonne is switching sides, but someone had to shut Rick the fuck up. I’m more interested in what Aaron and Daryl are doing and where these Wolves are, if that is even a thing. There is a lot left with one episode (which is about to be 90 minutes, so set ya PVRs), and it’ll be interesting to see what The Walking Dead decides to focus on.